All language subtitles for The Guest Book S01E03 Story Three 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Hey, man.
Huh?

That show
I told you about,

where people rent
a cabin in the mountains,
is on again tonight.

It's pretty much
a different story each week
with brand-new characters,

but there's a few things
you should know.

So, there's this stripper
at a bikini bar

who secretly records
guys doing crazy foot stuff,

and then her and her stepson
blackmail them.

[ Frog ribbits ]
And there's this old couple
who gives out the keys

to people who rent the cabins,

and the old dude started
going to the bikini bar.

There's also a guy who lives
next door to the cabin

who's going through
a divorce,

but I don't know what the deal
with him is yet.

Anyways,
you should check it out.

Yeah, I don't know.

My mother usually controls
the clicker.

[ Bag thuds ]

**

* Wherever we go

* That's fine by me

* We'll settle our bones

* Eventually

* Yeah, I need a break,
I need a minute *

* Just give me one day

* Let's get, get, get away

[ Frog croaking ]

Phyllis: Dear Jennifer,
something crazy just happened,

so I thought I'd let you know
about it in your guest book.

It all started
when my husband decided

we should treat his boss
and his new wife

to a vacation in the mountains.

**

[ Cellphone rings ]

**

[ Indistinct radio chatter ]

John:
Let me do the talking.

-In a hurry?
-Yeah. Sorry, officer.

Um, normally,
I would be the one driving,

but we stopped for lunch,

and my boss back there

pressured me into having
a couple of beers.

So, maybe you could
let us off with a warning

since we were being
so responsible.

I guess that sounds fair.

So your boss --
was he drinking, as well?

Which boss?

Sir, will you step out
of the car, please?

[ Door closes ]

Got one. He wouldn't let me
do much to him,

but he's wearing a ring,

so I bet he'll cough up
a couple hundred

once he learns
it's all on tape.

Okay. Hey, I, uh, found
this picture

of you, me, and my dad.
[ Engine starts in distance ]

I was thinking we could
put it up behind the bar.

People come in here to get drunk
and stare at bouncing titties,

not pictures
of dead black men.

Besides, I was only married
to your father for like a month.

Keep it in your pocket
if you miss him so much.

**

That's twice!

What'd you do, watch a pantyhose
commercial or somethin'?

Phyllis: That -- first of all,
that's ridiculous.

You told me to speed up,
so how is this my fault?

-Can I help you?
-Yes.

We're here to pick up
the key for Froggy Cottage.

Coming right up.

David just called.

We can pick him up
at the station.

I'm gonna run next door
and get him some whiskey.

[ Baby voice ]
He sounded fussy.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Ring ]

[ Beep ]
Chubbys -- we won't tell
if you don't.

Bullshit. Hey, it's me.

I don't think
I should do this one.

It looks like he was just trying
to get things going

so he could bang his old wife,
and that can't be easy.

I don't care. Business around
here isn't exactly thriving.

Pick 'em up...slow.

Look, blackmailing
these horny tourists

is the only way
to keep this place open.

And I can't go back
to dental hygiening.

That's how I got Hep C.
I know, but --

Don't come back here without
my money and a Twix!

[ Line disconnects ]

**

Yep, they got my laptop,
and they took her purse.

Well, just make sure to cancel
all her credit cards.

Hey, I'm really sorry
about this.

Shh!
I can't believe --

No, not you.
Someone's bothering me.

Hey! Psst!

Do you have any Plan B pills
I could borrow?

-Excuse me?
-Don't tell David

because
he's super pro-life,

but mine were in the purse
that got stolen.

David hates condoms,

so he told me
to get on the pill.

But the pill gives me
whiskers on my chin,

so I've been secretly taking
Plan B instead.

Anyway, do you have
any I could borrow?

No, sorry.

Had a hysterectomy
in my 20s.

Lucky.

I bet you lost, like, 2 pounds
just like that.

Hey, buddy. Come on, man.

Hey!

What's that about?
[ Mouth full ] I told him
this was all your fault.

[ Lighter clicks ]
The separation?
Why would you do that?

Because it is.
How?

Plus, I had a date
the other night,

and he kept judging me with
those little beady eyes of his.

I had to tell him something
to get him off my back.

You're dating now?

A guy from the gym took me
to the Red Lobster.

Don't get all weepy.

Mm-hmm.

Pussy.

**

David: Who's thirsty?

I'll have one.
Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink.

**

Last one in the hot tub
has body issues!

I don't drink?

[ Lowered voice ] This weekend
is already a disaster.

And you get mouthy
when you're drunk.

I don't need another
St. Patrick's Day.

Fine. But your niece
started that.

-She's 8.
-She's racist.

The alcohol kept flowing,
and by the end of the night,

everyone except me could barely
make it back to their bedrooms.

[ Laughs ]

And that's when it happened.

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Ring ]

Hello?

Jennifer, is that you?
It's me, Marcia.

I-I have to hurry.
He's in the bathroom.

I'm sorry.
I think you --

Man: Who are you talking to?
[ Beep ]

No one!
It's just the cats.

[ Imitates cat meowing ]

[ Bell rings ]

Getting a call like that

in the middle of the night
was pretty jarring,

but since John blames me

for anything bad
or strange that ever happens,

I tried to go back to bed
and just forget about it.

[ Telephone rings ]
[ Gasps ]

[ Ring ]

-Hello?
-Jennifer, I need help.

Okay, look,
I'm not Jennifer.

We're just renting
the place, okay?

Yeah? You -- Maybe you want
the owners?

Yes! Oh, I'm looking
for my sister, Jennifer.

Ah, she always said
she was gonna move away
and rent the place out.

Damn, I really needed her
to wire me money

for a bus ticket so that
I can leave my husband.

[ Cat meows ]

Are you being abused?
Oh, no, no.

I'm -- I'm in
a plural marriage,

and I'm beginning
to have second thoughts

about being married to one man
and three women.

You know, this latest wife
is 24

and he gave her
bedroom duties

and put me in charge
of laundry and pet care.

-Well, that sounds terrible.
-Oh, it is.

You know, I would just --

I would buy
the bus ticket myself,

except the sister wife
who's in charge of finances

never lets the debit card
out of her sight.

Man, if you could pay
for a bus ticket

with dryer sheets
and kitty litter,

I would've been
out of here months ago.

What?

Jesus! Um, hey.

H-H-How much money
do you need?

I used my phone to go online
and wire her the money.

You don't
have to pay me back, Jen.

I like to think you'd do
the same for my sister.

Take care. Phyllis.

So, when you, uh, retired,
what was your speciality?

Shiatsu, reflexology?

I would just touch the guys
really soft and slow.

If he was a regular,
I'd let the back of my hand

accidentally brush up against
his nut sack a few times.

Is that how you met David?

Oh, no. He wasn't a client.

No, we met
at a Mike Huckabee rally.

David was holding a sign
that said --

What did it say again,
honey?

"If babies had guns,
they wouldn't be aborted."

I didn't understand it at first,
so he explained it to me.

And then he complimented me
on my eyes,

which pissed off his wife.

Who turned out to be
a real bitch, by the way.

Total bitch.
Anyway...

Ah. [ Sighs ]

Where did you get that?

I won it in a silent auction
at a charity event

for kids
with jacked-up smiles.
[ Chuckles ]

I've been wanting to get out
of the city and give it a go.

[ Sighs ]
Hey, bud.
You want to play some catch?

No.

[ Exhales deeply ] Okay.

Wanna talk about
what your mom said?

No.

Oh, sh--
Oh.

**

[ Telephone rings ]

Whoa. Cool!

[ Ring ]
Hello?

Phyllis, I did it.
I got out. [ Chuckles ]

I didn't even
say goodbye to the cat.

I was hoping
you could pick me up.

I'm across the street
from a bikini bar.

You're here?

Yeah, the bus let me off

right in front of
Wang's Tastey Delightful.

Uh, Marcia?

My husband's boss is here,

and even though things
started out real rough at first,

they're going well now,
okay?

I-I can't throw
the midnight caller
into the mix.

Well, I-I just need
to walk around the house

and look for a clue
how to find my sister.

Please, Phyllis.

You're the only friend
I have right now.

Please?

[ David speaking indistinctly ]

Be right back.
We're out of milk.

Hey, Bethany should
be able to make milk

with how much I paid
for her titties.

[ Laughter ]

She didn't get it.

Hello, it's Phyllis again.

Last I left you, I was heading
over to pick up Marcia.

**

Marcia.

Oh. How'd you guess?

You're wearing
four wedding bands.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Yeah, hey,
listen, do me a favor.

Go inside, order me
a slippery shrimp, okay?

I'm gonna go park the car.

I don't wanna
take you back to the house
till everyone's tits up.

Okay. Slipper-- okay.

Tits up. Got it.

**

$1 for
the teeth-bleaching strips.

Do I have $1 and 10 cents?

Sold.
Yay!

I'm gonna see
if these work on buttholes.

They don't.
It just stings.

Oh, now here's something
you both might be interested in.

Plan B.

Let's start the bidding

on this convenient
little abortion at $3.

* Hey, hey, hey

**

Sorry. Are you closed?
[ Door closes ]

-No, we're open.
-Great!

* Come on

Your Shoe's untied, buddy.

Hey, Frank, can I talk to you
outside for a second?

You lied to me.

I should've known
that old man wouldn't have

given you
a laptop and a purse.

Yeah, I stole it.

I couldn't blackmail him.

There are not that many
black people up here,

and it doesn't feel right
to start turning on each other.

He's not a tourist?

No. He works at
that rental place.

Rents cabins
for the owners.

He gives people the keys.

That old dude has a key

to every rental cabin
on the mountain?

Yeah.

**

Well, let's get him a drink

and make sure he keeps
coming back.

That guy's our new
retirement plan.

Phyllis: So, uh,
plural marriage --
not for you, huh?

Uh, I don't know
if I'm against plural marriage,

or if I just haven't found
the right guy and gal

and gal and gal.

Yeah, well, you know,

finding one of those
is hard enough.

John and I get along
pretty well most of the time,

but man, this week
has been so stressful.

Plus, anytime anything
goes wrong, he just blames me.

[ Gasps ] My husband and wives
do that to me, too.

-Get out of here!
-I'm serious.

It all started after I had
the worst Thursday ever.

My bedroom in the basement
flooded,

a vending machine fell on me,

and my favorite cat
accidentally hung herself.

Ever since that happened,
anytime anything goes wrong,

they say it's my fault
because I'm cursed.

Okay, that is bullshit.

That is total bullshit.

You know, they call me
"Schleprock"...
What?

...which is some sort
of reference

to "The Flintstones"
that I don't even get.

But I told myself,

"If they call me that
one more time, I am leaving."

What do you think
they called me last night?

Hmm.

"Schleppy."

But it was short
for "Schleprock."

Wow.

John calls me "Drama Magnet."

Oh.

It's not from a cartoon,

but you know,
if he ever does it again,

I'm gonna
just stand up for myself.

You've inspired me, Marcia.
I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Good for you.
[ Chuckles ]

**

Anyone ever tell you
you smell like snickerdoodles?

Yes! I've heard that
quite a few times.

It's good, right?

It's great.

[ Frog croaking ]

Once it was dark,
I figured it was safe

to take Marcia
back to the house.

[ Grunts ]

Probably best if we don't tell
your mom about this.

You can try it next time
you visit, okay?

You want to keep visiting,
right?

Are you kidding?
Of course.

Good.

Can I shoot this
with my shirt off?

I don't see why not.

This isn't
my sister's house.

My sister's house is yellow,

and the mailbox
is a mini Eiffel Tower.

Marcia, this is the house
you called.

What -- Does that look
like a 2 or a 3?

Uh, I-I don't know because
it's -- it's very smudged.

It could be a zero.
Actually, it's all smudged.

I know.
I guessed at most of those.

I think -- I think the cats
peed on it.

Oh, seriously?

I think they knew
I was leaving.

At this point, we both realized

something that you must
have known

when you started reading
this story --

You're not Jennifer,
and Marcia is not your sister.

[ Both laughing ]

Oh. [ Whispers ] Oh, boy.

Do you care
if I sleep on the porch,

and then tomorrow
I can walk around

and -- and try and find
my sister's house?

No, you can't sleep outside.
You'll freeze.

I have an idea.

Since my car is so small,
I let her sleep in David's car.

Worst case --
they'll wonder why

their car smells
like snickerdoodles.

Anyway, just thought
you'd wanna hear
how things turned out

even if it wasn't your sister.

Oh, by the way, don't wanna
make a big deal out of it --

there was a used syringe
in your driveway.

**

I decided to hide
your guest book

in a closet I found
under your stairs

so my husband doesn't read
any of this.

Take care. Phyllis.

[ Door creaks ]

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Ring ]

[ Ring ]

Hello?

Is Marcia there?

Who is this?
It's Marcia's husband.

I checked the phone bill online
and saw she called this number.

Is she there? I just wanna
tell her I love her.

Please.

[ Cat meows ]

Hold on.

[ Meowing continues ]

[ Door creaks ]

**

Oh, for shit's sake.

Hey, Big Love.

One of your wives
just stole a car.

Hello?

[ Cat meows ]

[ Receiver clatters ]

No sign of forced entry.

Are you sure you didn't leave
the keys in the Escalade?

Positive. I left it right there
on that table.

Someone must have walked in
and took 'em.

Phyllis,
you were up longer than us.

Did you lock the door?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Front door locked real tight.

Back door, always open.
[ Clicks tongue ]

Isn't that right, officer?
You know what I'm talking about.

Really?
Hmm?

Now? You decide
to start drinking now?

[ Horn honks ]
That's for us.

I ordered a cab to take us
to the rental car place.

David,
I don't mind driving you.

No, you -- Oh.
You've done enough.

Thank you, John,
for an amazing weekend.

I'm -- I'm sorry, David.
I mean, trust me.

My wife's the jinx
in this family, not me.

What did you say?

You know it's true.
You're a drama magnet.

Hey, David.

You're gonna wanna take
a couple drinks for the road

'cause you're gonna wanna be
real nice and lubed up

when you find out that that your
monkey-brained child bride

is probably pregnant
'cause her birth control

was in her purse
that got stolen.

Mm. Mm. Oh, wait.

And what birth control
would that be? Hmm.

Well let's just go ahead
and say

she wasn't using Plan A.

Isn't that right?
That's right, David.

Every time you finish

pumping and wheezing on top of
your barely legal spouse,

she just pops one of those
handy dandy little

no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills.

Hey, what -- what do you think
your little right-wing,

bass guitar-playing buddy
would think about that? Huh?

What do ya think,
you bald, alcoholic,

halitosis-having,
cheap wristwatch-wearing

piece of shit?

Borderline pedophile --
what -- what do you think?

The pill gives me whiskers.
I look like a catfish.

Bethany,
we'll talk about it in the car.

I probably
shouldn't have drinked.

**

* First one gets me started

* Second one breaks me out

* Third one,
I'm eating fat fried chicken *

* And cursing strangers out

* Fourth one, I reconsider it

* Fifth one, I'm having doubts

* On the sixth one,
I'm in a bathroom stall *

* With my tongue
in someone's mouth *

* Lord, I need a double of

* One too many's not enough

* But ooh

* Tip it back,
it ain't no bluff *

* One too many's not enough

* No, one too many's
not enough, no, no *

Hi.
[ Door closes ]

I'm here to pick up the keys
to Froggy Cottage.

My husband usually
handles that.

I don't know where
he done got off to.

But I can help you, though.
Nice place --

some jackass pissed
in the kitchen,

but I mopped it up.

They left an awful lot
of liquor, too.

You can help yourself
if you like.
Oh, no, thanks.

I'm up here so my girlfriend
can get to know my daughter.

Probably not the best time
to impair our judgement.

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Ring,
answering machine beeps ]

Phyllis? It's Marcia.
Listen, sorry about the car.

I-I got hungry, so I grabbed
the keys from inside

and I went looking for food.

But then a bee flew in the car,
and I drove it into the lake.

I managed to swim to shore,

but the Escalade sunk
to the bottom.

[ Horn blares ]
Man: Get off the highway,
you stupid bitch!

You! You get off the highway,
you stupid bitch!

Anyway, I've decided
to hitchhike back home.

I'm just -- I'm no good
on my own.

And if the insurance company
needs to get in touch with me,

my number's 7-4...
[ Truck horn blares ]

...3-8. Take care!
[ Line disconnects ]