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1
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[singer singing in Japanese]
2
00:00:06,764 --> 00:00:08,643
♪ Don't look over here ♪
3
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[singing in Japanese]
4
00:00:10,688 --> 00:00:12,107
Maybe we should help him.
5
00:00:12,191 --> 00:00:15,030
Wait, wait. He'll get it.
Thumbs are tricky.
6
00:00:15,113 --> 00:00:16,617
♪ I don't need anymore ♪
7
00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:17,994
♪ More ♪
8
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[singing in Japanese]
9
00:00:19,455 --> 00:00:21,292
♪ I don't wanna see anything ♪
10
00:00:21,376 --> 00:00:22,963
♪ Ha ha ha, anymore ♪
11
00:00:23,046 --> 00:00:24,716
♪ I don't need anyone ♪
12
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He doesn't know how to use a can opener?
13
00:00:29,601 --> 00:00:33,024
You're never gonna integrate back
into society if you can't do basic shit.
14
00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:37,993
[can, can opener scrapes, clattering]
15
00:00:38,076 --> 00:00:40,205
[Kash] It's simple, okay? You clamp it on,
16
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,963
and you…
17
00:00:44,548 --> 00:00:45,633
Shit! [screams]
18
00:00:47,052 --> 00:00:48,388
It's broken.
19
00:00:53,816 --> 00:00:55,068
♪ Shut up ♪
20
00:00:55,152 --> 00:00:57,741
[singing in Japanese]
21
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:58,826
♪ Shut up ♪
22
00:00:58,909 --> 00:01:01,372
[singing in Japanese]
23
00:01:01,456 --> 00:01:02,876
♪ Shut up ♪
24
00:01:02,959 --> 00:01:04,045
- [song ends]
- [door opens, bell clangs]
25
00:01:04,128 --> 00:01:06,215
- [customer, muffled] Excuse me?
- Oh, God, no!
26
00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:08,679
Do you work here? I have a complaint.
27
00:01:09,305 --> 00:01:10,474
What seems to be the problem?
28
00:01:10,558 --> 00:01:13,480
[customer] I rented this costume
for my husband's birthday,
29
00:01:13,564 --> 00:01:16,277
and now I can't get the bloody mask off.
30
00:01:16,862 --> 00:01:18,949
Uh, sorry,
did you say your husband's birthday?
31
00:01:19,033 --> 00:01:19,993
Yes.
32
00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:21,120
Okay.
33
00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:24,251
So, your husband likes strong women?
34
00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:26,464
I think it's some sort of vacuum effect.
35
00:01:26,548 --> 00:01:28,218
Have you tried greasing it up?
36
00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:29,721
You could use butter. Or lube.
37
00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:35,148
[customer] Excuse me,
but why would I have lube in my house?
38
00:01:35,232 --> 00:01:36,359
Oh, come on.
39
00:01:36,442 --> 00:01:37,529
You've got lube.
40
00:01:37,612 --> 00:01:40,325
[customer] I want this mask off now.
41
00:01:40,409 --> 00:01:43,498
And it goes without saying,
I expect a full refund.
42
00:01:43,582 --> 00:01:46,212
Oh, I'm afraid we can only offer refunds
43
00:01:46,295 --> 00:01:50,303
if the costume's been used
for its intended purpose.
44
00:01:50,387 --> 00:01:52,057
[customer] What are you implying?
45
00:01:53,309 --> 00:01:56,232
You can't imply a customer is pegging
their husband as Margaret Thatcher.
46
00:01:56,315 --> 00:01:57,317
She is!
47
00:01:57,401 --> 00:01:59,865
Of course she is, but you can't say that.
48
00:01:59,948 --> 00:02:01,284
[sighs]
49
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:03,831
Sometimes I wonder
if you're cut out for customer service.
50
00:02:03,914 --> 00:02:05,041
You're absolutely right.
51
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,920
No, I think the best thing to do is
to let me go
52
00:02:07,004 --> 00:02:08,381
with a generous redundancy package.
53
00:02:08,465 --> 00:02:12,055
You are a manager. Great liar.
54
00:02:12,139 --> 00:02:15,479
You hate people just the right amount.
I've never seen you miss a fag break.
55
00:02:15,563 --> 00:02:17,149
You could flourish here.
56
00:02:17,232 --> 00:02:18,736
Take my place when I die.
57
00:02:18,819 --> 00:02:21,575
That's a lovely thing to say, Ange.
But this is just temporary.
58
00:02:21,658 --> 00:02:23,203
[Ange] Tim said that too when he started.
59
00:02:23,286 --> 00:02:25,332
He's been here seven years.
He still loves it.
60
00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:35,310
♪ Are you ready, Check? ♪
61
00:02:38,149 --> 00:02:39,443
♪ Name, escape ♪
62
00:02:41,364 --> 00:02:43,536
[Valerie Gold] Absolutely not.
63
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:47,125
Are you fucking mad? I'm not signing it.
64
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,257
Listen, this is a very good deal for you.
65
00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:55,267
Your music in the lift
of every cruise ship in the fleet.
66
00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:58,022
They might even want your early stuff
for the hold lines on the phone.
67
00:02:58,106 --> 00:03:01,905
[Valerie Gold] I sold out the
Bradford Ballroom five nights in a row.
68
00:03:01,989 --> 00:03:04,786
I've fucked 75% of the Rolling Stones.
69
00:03:04,870 --> 00:03:06,915
A cruise ship? I think not.
70
00:03:06,999 --> 00:03:09,588
It's time for a comeback.
71
00:03:09,671 --> 00:03:11,884
Valerie… [chuckles]
…you know we love you at the label.
72
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:15,432
But only one person with your condition
has made a comeback, and that's Jesus.
73
00:03:15,516 --> 00:03:17,937
I can still sing. I'm still relevant.
74
00:03:18,021 --> 00:03:20,651
[sighs] Fuck it. I'll even do a duet.
75
00:03:21,193 --> 00:03:23,114
What's Whitney Houston up to these days?
76
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,608
[light switch clicks]
77
00:03:41,317 --> 00:03:43,989
Get out. I'm literally about
to start auditioning people.
78
00:03:44,073 --> 00:03:45,785
- Can I watch?
- Why?
79
00:03:46,787 --> 00:03:48,582
I just wanna learn how to human again.
80
00:03:50,168 --> 00:03:53,967
Fine. But don't do anything weird.
Or say anything. Or touch anyone.
81
00:03:54,051 --> 00:03:55,136
It's very important to me.
82
00:03:56,305 --> 00:03:57,474
And not just to me, okay?
83
00:03:58,393 --> 00:04:00,606
I'm doing this for the city.
For the vulnerable.
84
00:04:00,690 --> 00:04:02,985
Jen says you're doing it
because you're a feckless loser
85
00:04:03,069 --> 00:04:04,948
who sponges off his girlfriends.
86
00:04:05,031 --> 00:04:07,995
And, uh,
this nostalgic imitation of virility
87
00:04:08,079 --> 00:04:11,878
gives you the illusion of control over
your emasculated, directionless existence.
88
00:04:18,307 --> 00:04:21,648
Although, I don't know
what most of that means.
89
00:04:21,732 --> 00:04:22,734
Is that right?
90
00:04:24,403 --> 00:04:27,117
♪ Mummy, Daddy, look at me ♪
91
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,123
♪ I went to school and I got a degree ♪
92
00:04:30,206 --> 00:04:33,129
♪ All my friends go [scats] ♪
93
00:04:33,212 --> 00:04:35,760
♪ I went to school and I got a big ♪
94
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:36,845
[manager] All right?
95
00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,974
[sighs] She took the news very well.
96
00:04:39,058 --> 00:04:41,521
Yeah, that was very impressive in there.
Crystal clear.
97
00:04:41,605 --> 00:04:43,692
How do you feel about some moonlighting?
98
00:04:43,776 --> 00:04:47,199
We have another life-challenged artist
on our books
99
00:04:47,282 --> 00:04:49,036
that I think you'd work well with.
100
00:04:49,119 --> 00:04:52,502
Is it an estates dispute?
Because I'm quite junior.
101
00:04:52,585 --> 00:04:55,841
I'm sure there's nothing you can't handle.
You're very impressive, Carrie.
102
00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,891
Yes. Yes.
103
00:04:59,974 --> 00:05:02,354
I can handle it. I'll do it. [chuckles]
104
00:05:02,437 --> 00:05:05,736
Great. Saturday at 2.00.
I'll send you the addy. [clicks tongue]
105
00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:06,822
Yeah, great.
106
00:05:08,116 --> 00:05:09,911
♪ I got the big D ♪
107
00:05:11,038 --> 00:05:12,625
♪ I got the big D ♪
108
00:05:12,708 --> 00:05:15,171
♪ I went to school and I got the big D ♪
109
00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:18,720
[doorbell buzzes]
110
00:05:25,108 --> 00:05:26,110
Uh, name?
111
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,030
Sebastian. Seb-- Seb.
112
00:05:28,657 --> 00:05:31,621
Seb. And your power?
113
00:05:32,455 --> 00:05:33,457
[clears throat]
114
00:05:52,955 --> 00:05:54,249
[glass shatters]
115
00:05:57,297 --> 00:05:59,009
I can summon sea creatures.
116
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,428
Can you command them?
117
00:06:02,015 --> 00:06:03,894
Um, no.
118
00:06:03,977 --> 00:06:05,063
[Kash smacks lips]
119
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:08,319
I have a rich father.
120
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:23,767
- [Kash] Your name?
- Uh, Ade.
121
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:24,894
Megan.
122
00:06:26,063 --> 00:06:27,608
Uh, what-what can you do?
123
00:06:27,692 --> 00:06:30,405
Uh, I can, uh,
phase through solid objects.
124
00:06:30,488 --> 00:06:32,284
I can turn anything into a PDF.
125
00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:34,539
- So, what? Like a fridge?
- Anything.
126
00:06:34,622 --> 00:06:37,628
- A person?
- Anything.
127
00:06:37,712 --> 00:06:38,797
I'm basically a magnet.
128
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,886
It's not active all the time,
but when it happens, you'll know.
129
00:06:43,765 --> 00:06:44,892
[metal clattering]
130
00:06:45,853 --> 00:06:47,355
It happened.
131
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:56,750
[Ade grunts]
132
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,296
[pants, chuckles]
133
00:06:59,379 --> 00:07:00,966
Nice.
134
00:07:01,050 --> 00:07:02,260
We'll be in touch.
135
00:07:02,343 --> 00:07:03,429
[chuckles]
136
00:07:05,308 --> 00:07:07,730
Oh. [chuckles] I'm stuck.
137
00:07:08,899 --> 00:07:10,986
Don't mind me, though.
I'll be-- I'll get there. [chuckles]
138
00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:16,205
Mmm. Still stuck.
139
00:07:20,714 --> 00:07:22,175
[grunts] Uh…
140
00:07:22,258 --> 00:07:24,387
- Do you have more people coming?
- We do, yeah.
141
00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:31,903
[Kash] Excuse me. What are you doing?
142
00:07:31,986 --> 00:07:33,990
I have a 3D printing arse.
143
00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:36,538
I can do whatever you want
as long as it's aerodynamic.
144
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:40,461
[Ade] Can you do a spoon?
145
00:07:41,714 --> 00:07:43,384
So sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
146
00:07:43,927 --> 00:07:46,558
♪ Sun spots, changing glare ♪
147
00:07:46,641 --> 00:07:49,187
♪ Walking aroundWith my very best friend ♪
148
00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,983
- [Ade] Sorry.
- [Jizzlord] Come on. You can do it.
149
00:07:51,066 --> 00:07:52,987
- Come on. Oh, my God, yes!
- You can do it.
150
00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,281
- [Kash] Dig deep.
- [Ade] Oh, my God.
151
00:07:54,364 --> 00:07:55,617
- Come on, dig deep.
- Wow.
152
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:56,578
[all grunting]
153
00:07:56,661 --> 00:07:57,746
[Kash] Keep going with it.
154
00:07:57,830 --> 00:07:59,207
- Squeeze!
- Yeah!
155
00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:00,794
[Ade] Come on!
156
00:08:00,878 --> 00:08:02,380
[all cheers]
157
00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:04,594
- Come on!
- Wow.
158
00:08:04,677 --> 00:08:07,766
[all cheering, applauding]
159
00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,269
No.
160
00:08:10,772 --> 00:08:11,816
[whispering] Can I join?
161
00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:13,904
How did you get into the flat?
162
00:08:19,039 --> 00:08:21,961
Super speed. Like you have to ask.
163
00:08:23,422 --> 00:08:24,842
All right, how fast are we ta--
164
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,478
Been to the Tate Modern and back.
165
00:08:31,355 --> 00:08:34,277
Their Dada retrospective is…
underwhelming.
166
00:08:35,656 --> 00:08:37,158
Cheers.
167
00:08:45,717 --> 00:08:46,719
Peace.
168
00:08:46,803 --> 00:08:48,515
♪ We are born ♪
169
00:08:49,099 --> 00:08:50,727
♪ And I don't care ♪
170
00:08:51,270 --> 00:08:53,023
♪ As we grow old ♪
171
00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:55,152
♪ As I'm aware ♪
172
00:08:55,236 --> 00:08:59,494
♪ As we grow ♪
173
00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:01,123
Thanks so much for coming in.
174
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,751
Oh, no problem.
175
00:09:03,837 --> 00:09:06,968
Sometimes I feel a bit like a photocopier
they wheeled out. [chuckles]
176
00:09:07,051 --> 00:09:09,222
So it's nice to get asked
to do actual legal stuff.
177
00:09:09,306 --> 00:09:11,978
'Cause I can do that,
but they never really ask me to.
178
00:09:13,063 --> 00:09:15,569
- Oh, is this a recording studio?
- Smart as a button.
179
00:09:15,652 --> 00:09:18,742
We have an artist who died
before he could finish his last album.
180
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:22,040
Tragic, really.
His fans are still super passionate.
181
00:09:22,123 --> 00:09:25,046
And we already paid him the advance.
Uh-oh!
182
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:27,342
So, if he could sing through you,
183
00:09:27,425 --> 00:09:28,887
then we could finish the tracks
184
00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:32,603
and bada-bing-bada platinum sales
in 30, 40 territories worldwide.
185
00:09:32,686 --> 00:09:33,688
Is that cool?
186
00:09:34,982 --> 00:09:36,026
Uh.
187
00:09:38,155 --> 00:09:40,034
[microphone feedback]
188
00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:42,246
- [tapping drumsticks]
- Three, two, one.
189
00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:45,086
- They want you to channel who now?
- [Carrie] Colt Callaghan.
190
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:48,384
He was some big country music singer
in the '80s, apparently.
191
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:50,262
I thought you were there
for some legal bullshit?
192
00:09:50,346 --> 00:09:52,350
[Carrie] Me too,but they just want me for my power.
193
00:09:52,433 --> 00:09:54,605
Why doesn't anybody care
what Carrie has to offer?
194
00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:56,358
Probably because
Carrie talks about herself
195
00:09:56,441 --> 00:09:57,736
in the third person a bit too much.
196
00:09:58,613 --> 00:10:01,368
Can you come down? For moral support?
197
00:10:01,451 --> 00:10:03,247
I'm at work. I can't just bail.
198
00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:05,000
I'm saving up for the clinic.
I need the money.
199
00:10:05,084 --> 00:10:06,754
You can have a cut. They're paying me.
200
00:10:06,838 --> 00:10:07,923
How much are they paying you?
201
00:10:08,006 --> 00:10:10,469
I don't know.
It's a bit rude to ask, isn't it?
202
00:10:10,554 --> 00:10:12,725
Please come.I really need a friend right now.
203
00:10:12,808 --> 00:10:14,102
No, you don't need a friend.
204
00:10:14,185 --> 00:10:17,024
You need someone who can get you
a decent deal. A real hard-ass.
205
00:10:19,362 --> 00:10:20,364
You need--
206
00:10:20,448 --> 00:10:22,619
Jen Regan, Jen Regan Talent Management.
207
00:10:23,538 --> 00:10:25,124
This is handwritten.
208
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:28,338
We're a-a boutique agency
with a personal touch.
209
00:10:28,422 --> 00:10:33,600
Now, this national treasure is not opening
her money hole until we talk shop.
210
00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:34,852
Here is her rider.
211
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,781
"Sushi platter.
Room temperature ice water."
212
00:10:41,991 --> 00:10:43,160
We can deal with this later.
213
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,498
What I need to do right now, yeah,
is talk to Colt.
214
00:10:45,582 --> 00:10:47,126
He's gonna be pretty confused.
215
00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:48,337
Uh, money first.
216
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:50,341
- We can offer you 250.
- [Jen] Oh, please.
217
00:10:50,424 --> 00:10:54,224
Ms Jackson doesn't put on a bra
on a Saturday for 250.
218
00:10:54,307 --> 00:10:56,436
- Five hundred. Final offer.
- 300.
219
00:10:57,856 --> 00:10:59,777
I think my client would
be content with £300.
220
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:00,695
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
221
00:11:00,779 --> 00:11:02,406
£300,000.
222
00:11:05,997 --> 00:11:08,711
May I just have a moment alone
with my client?
223
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:20,652
[pants] Did he say £300,000?
224
00:11:21,152 --> 00:11:23,407
I could buy a flat. I could go on holiday.
225
00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:25,077
I could buy the Tenderstem broccoli.
226
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,375
Tenderstem, Jen.
It is so much more tender.
227
00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:30,421
[pants] You could pay for the clinic.
228
00:11:30,505 --> 00:11:33,010
[both scream, laugh]
229
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,139
♪ Didn't do it for the loveDidn't do it for the police ♪
230
00:11:35,222 --> 00:11:36,182
♪ Get on these knees ♪
231
00:11:36,266 --> 00:11:39,063
♪ Didn't do it for the sexDidn't do it for the love ♪
232
00:11:39,147 --> 00:11:41,484
That amount would be acceptable, yes.
233
00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:46,913
♪ I did it for the money ♪
234
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,046
When are our friends coming?
235
00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:55,513
They're not our friends.
They're my vigilante group.
236
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:57,935
What are you hiding?
237
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,649
You said that you needed snacks, so…
238
00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:02,653
[shrieks]
239
00:12:03,362 --> 00:12:05,449
- [doorbell buzzes]
- So, where should I sit?
240
00:12:05,533 --> 00:12:10,376
Uh, actually, um, I-I need you to
do something very important for me.
241
00:12:10,459 --> 00:12:11,294
Okay.
242
00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:14,635
Okay, um, I need you to
243
00:12:16,137 --> 00:12:17,139
get these for me.
244
00:12:17,975 --> 00:12:21,398
Okay, okay. Yeah, I can do that.
245
00:12:21,481 --> 00:12:23,443
I can do that. I'll get you your…
246
00:12:23,528 --> 00:12:25,239
…"tampons."
247
00:12:25,322 --> 00:12:26,951
- Great.
- [doorbell buzzes]
248
00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:29,623
- Where-- Where would I get a tampon?
- Chemist.
249
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,209
Chemist. Yeah.
250
00:12:32,086 --> 00:12:33,422
[doorbell buzzes]
251
00:12:33,506 --> 00:12:36,052
Um, Jen says it's too soon for me
to be out in the world.
252
00:12:36,136 --> 00:12:37,346
Well, Jen's not here. Okay?
253
00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:39,392
- Okay, I won't let you down.
- Yeah.
254
00:12:42,023 --> 00:12:43,358
[doorbell buzzes]
255
00:12:45,947 --> 00:12:47,116
[doorbell buzzes]
256
00:12:58,472 --> 00:12:59,725
The miniature horse is unavailable.
257
00:12:59,808 --> 00:13:01,436
Unacceptable.
258
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,023
Either you get us a big horse
259
00:13:03,106 --> 00:13:06,446
that we can look at through
the wrong end of a telescope, or we walk.
260
00:13:06,530 --> 00:13:10,747
Yeah, totally.
I'll sort all that after she gets Colt.
261
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,634
Heads up, by the way,
Colt could be a little difficult.
262
00:13:17,301 --> 00:13:18,554
What kind of difficult?
263
00:13:19,055 --> 00:13:21,309
[Colt] Where am I? Did I black out?
264
00:13:23,396 --> 00:13:26,946
How old are you?
Ah, wait. I don't wanna know.
265
00:13:27,029 --> 00:13:30,494
You told me you were 18,
and that's the line we're gonna go with.
266
00:13:30,578 --> 00:13:33,333
[manager] Colt, mate, don't panic,
but you're dead.
267
00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:35,003
[Colt groans]
268
00:13:35,087 --> 00:13:36,799
My fucking wife.
269
00:13:37,341 --> 00:13:39,513
She finally did it.
She always said she would.
270
00:13:39,596 --> 00:13:40,598
Gotta respect that.
271
00:13:40,682 --> 00:13:44,063
No one killed you, mate.
We brought you back to finish your album.
272
00:13:44,146 --> 00:13:47,361
[Colt] Sugar tits, you look
a bit like Margaret Thatcher.
273
00:13:47,444 --> 00:13:49,198
I like that.
274
00:13:49,282 --> 00:13:51,369
Thank you. Your tits look pretty good too.
275
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,877
[Colt] Wha--
276
00:13:55,712 --> 00:13:56,589
Holy shit!
277
00:13:56,672 --> 00:13:59,595
Maybe being in a woman's body
will give you a bit more respect.
278
00:13:59,678 --> 00:14:02,726
[Colt] Nice! I can work with these.
279
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,813
Now, what are these, a C cup?
280
00:14:04,897 --> 00:14:07,694
You've been gone a while. Is there
anything you wanna get caught up on?
281
00:14:07,777 --> 00:14:09,781
[Colt] There's only three things
I need to know.
282
00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:15,000
Is beer still cold? Are guns still cool?
And is Jesus still white?
283
00:14:15,919 --> 00:14:19,509
- Oh, yeah. Come on, now.
- 'Kay, stop that. Don't be touching them.
284
00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:22,306
- Get off them. Get off.
- [Colt grunts, groans]
285
00:14:22,389 --> 00:14:23,851
- [Colt] All right!
- [Jen] Dirty bastard.
286
00:14:28,026 --> 00:14:28,945
[Colt sighs]
287
00:14:29,028 --> 00:14:30,364
[Kash] Congratulations, men.
288
00:14:30,447 --> 00:14:32,953
You've all been selected because you
demonstrated to me
289
00:14:33,036 --> 00:14:35,290
that you are hero material.
290
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,044
You've passed the first test.
291
00:14:38,756 --> 00:14:41,469
Will there be more tests?
I'm dyslexic, and I need more time.
292
00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,891
It's more a series of trials than tests.
293
00:14:43,975 --> 00:14:46,270
It's, like, informal trials
of the spirit and body.
294
00:14:46,354 --> 00:14:47,356
It's more of a metaphor.
295
00:14:47,439 --> 00:14:49,528
Really, I probably shouldn't have used
the word "test."
296
00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,451
Uh, any-- Words aside-- Um.
297
00:14:53,536 --> 00:14:56,165
We're all here for one noble purpose:
fighting crime.
298
00:14:56,249 --> 00:14:57,961
What does that mean, specifically?
299
00:14:58,044 --> 00:15:01,384
Uh, like, going after crime.
Stopping it and stuff.
300
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,473
- There's lots of different types of crime.
- I know. I don't think we need--
301
00:15:04,558 --> 00:15:08,398
I suggest targeting child sex offenders.
302
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:12,364
Go after the real bad guys.
Anyone else got a suggestion?
303
00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:14,870
- Fly-tippers? No! Murderers!
- Yes.
304
00:15:14,953 --> 00:15:16,289
What about the elderly?
305
00:15:16,372 --> 00:15:17,667
- Yeah, fuck 'em.
- No. No.
306
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:21,174
I mean, like, people who scam the elderly.
Like telemarketers.
307
00:15:21,257 --> 00:15:22,677
[Seb] Or the drug dealers,
308
00:15:22,761 --> 00:15:25,975
uh, people who put their bag next to them
on the empty seat in the train,
309
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,394
rapists?
310
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:33,448
I swear I had another
marker here somewhere. Sorry.
311
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,622
I can get you one. Give me two minutes.
312
00:15:36,705 --> 00:15:38,041
- [belt buckle chinking]
- [clothes rustle]
313
00:15:38,124 --> 00:15:41,130
[grunts, pants]
314
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:42,675
What colour?
315
00:15:44,679 --> 00:15:47,894
♪ Well, I'm cracking one openWith the boys ♪
316
00:15:47,977 --> 00:15:49,773
♪ By myself ♪
317
00:15:49,856 --> 00:15:51,777
[singer chuckles]
318
00:15:51,860 --> 00:15:57,371
♪ Everybody thinks thatI need professional help ♪
319
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:02,590
♪ But I don't wannaThink about that anymore ♪
320
00:16:03,258 --> 00:16:04,343
Tampons?
321
00:16:04,426 --> 00:16:06,807
♪ And just because I woke upOn someone's floor ♪
322
00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:09,896
♪ And asked who the fuck am I ♪
323
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,781
♪ I didn't know it felt good to cry ♪
324
00:16:15,867 --> 00:16:18,037
♪ Yeah, I started from the bottom ♪
325
00:16:18,121 --> 00:16:19,875
♪ And I'm still at the bottom ♪
326
00:16:19,958 --> 00:16:21,545
♪ Yeah, I spent the night in jail ♪
327
00:16:21,628 --> 00:16:24,008
♪ Turns out it wasn't the bottom ♪
328
00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:25,093
[music stops]
329
00:16:25,177 --> 00:16:28,517
[Gregor] Okay, so we're down to nonces
versus children.
330
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:30,688
Uh, surely that's a tautology?
331
00:16:30,771 --> 00:16:33,569
Uh, wouldn't we be protecting the children
from the nonces?
332
00:16:33,652 --> 00:16:34,988
They cancel each other out.
333
00:16:35,071 --> 00:16:37,409
It should be children versus women.
334
00:16:38,286 --> 00:16:42,712
If we help women, like, protecting them
walking home at night or something,
335
00:16:42,795 --> 00:16:44,716
I think they'd be really grateful.
336
00:16:44,799 --> 00:16:47,054
Not that we'd ask them
for anything in return.
337
00:16:47,137 --> 00:16:50,645
But if they did want to thank us,
just a perk of the job.
338
00:16:50,728 --> 00:16:52,815
Yeah, we're talking
about them fucking us, right?
339
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,153
- No.
- What? No!
340
00:16:55,237 --> 00:16:57,199
[Kash]
No one sleeps with anyone they save.
341
00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:59,036
I'm drawing this ethical line
in the sand now.
342
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,790
What if someone wants to give us money?
343
00:17:00,873 --> 00:17:02,502
Well, that's just tipping. That's fine.
344
00:17:02,585 --> 00:17:05,549
I'd like to put myself forward
as task force leader for this one.
345
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:10,225
I know women. I respect women.
I love women.
346
00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:13,816
- Well, I love women more than you do.
- I have four sisters.
347
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:14,901
I have a mum.
348
00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:18,283
- I've got two mums.
- I've got a girlfriend. Do you?
349
00:17:19,201 --> 00:17:21,330
- I don't currently have--
- Ha! Three-two.
350
00:17:22,457 --> 00:17:24,044
But that also means
351
00:17:25,088 --> 00:17:27,510
that I don't view women
solely as sexual objects.
352
00:17:27,593 --> 00:17:29,305
Neither do I. I barely fuck my girlfriend.
353
00:17:29,388 --> 00:17:32,520
I read Jane Austen novels for fun.
354
00:17:36,903 --> 00:17:38,156
I know where the clitoris is.
355
00:17:38,239 --> 00:17:39,534
[gasps]
356
00:17:44,878 --> 00:17:45,713
Prove it.
357
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:49,763
[hyperventilates]
358
00:17:49,846 --> 00:17:51,349
Have some water, pet.
359
00:17:56,233 --> 00:17:57,235
[pants]
360
00:17:58,321 --> 00:18:00,660
It's just… a lot.
361
00:18:00,743 --> 00:18:02,496
You buying the tampons
for your girlfriend?
362
00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:03,832
No, he's a boyfriend.
363
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,880
Oh. You kids and your genders. Love it.
364
00:18:07,674 --> 00:18:09,803
I've been away for a while.
365
00:18:09,886 --> 00:18:12,558
There's too much everything.
366
00:18:13,476 --> 00:18:15,188
I'm sorry. I'm useless.
367
00:18:15,271 --> 00:18:18,862
Oh, chicken, no.
We all learn at our own pace.
368
00:18:18,946 --> 00:18:20,950
I can help you get what you need.
369
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:25,333
What's their period like?
Heavy? A lot of clotting?
370
00:18:25,417 --> 00:18:27,212
Do they like an applicator or non?
371
00:18:27,295 --> 00:18:28,507
What's a period?
372
00:18:29,551 --> 00:18:32,264
Oh, Lord. [sighs] Okay. [chuckles]
373
00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:35,478
I can see we're gonna have to start
from the beginning.
374
00:18:42,535 --> 00:18:44,998
[Colt] Come on, chica.
Is this strictly necessary?
375
00:18:45,081 --> 00:18:48,672
When you stop trying to unhook your bra,
then the shame mitts can come off.
376
00:18:48,756 --> 00:18:50,885
- [Colt] Honey pie! Sorry. Sorry.
- Stop that!
377
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:51,970
[Colt grunts]
378
00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,270
Darlin', can you turn these for me?
379
00:18:56,353 --> 00:18:59,026
I ain't looked at these songs in 30 years.
380
00:18:59,109 --> 00:19:01,197
Need a refresher on the old lyrics.
381
00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:09,296
[Carrie] Jen, have you read these lyrics?
382
00:19:09,881 --> 00:19:13,179
I'm not a prude, but they're not exactly
very respectful to women or Canadians.
383
00:19:13,262 --> 00:19:16,978
I'm sure they're not that ba--
Okay. Oh, no.
384
00:19:17,062 --> 00:19:18,524
I don't think I can do this.
385
00:19:18,607 --> 00:19:21,613
What? Of course you can.
No, you can do this.
386
00:19:21,696 --> 00:19:23,199
Do this, please.
387
00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:26,455
I don't think I feel comfortable
saying this stuff.
388
00:19:27,123 --> 00:19:29,086
But it's not really you saying it, though.
Is it?
389
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:32,342
It's coming out of my mouth.
My mouth is making the shape of the words.
390
00:19:32,425 --> 00:19:33,887
I don't wanna have a sexist mouth.
391
00:19:33,971 --> 00:19:35,683
What if I ever meet Malala?
I'll be mortified.
392
00:19:35,766 --> 00:19:36,768
Look, Carrie, babe.
393
00:19:36,852 --> 00:19:41,318
Look, you know I would never ask you to
do something you're uncomfortable with.
394
00:19:41,402 --> 00:19:44,199
Unless someone's going to pay us
£300,000 to do it, okay?
395
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,326
So, maybe just do it?
396
00:19:51,171 --> 00:19:54,637
Oh, if I could just make some adjustments
to the source material.
397
00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:56,056
He barely remembers what he wrote.
398
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:57,894
He'll sing
whatever you put in front of him.
399
00:19:57,977 --> 00:20:00,649
Yes. Okay, compromise.
It's the beauty of negotiation.
400
00:20:03,487 --> 00:20:04,616
Oh, where are you going?
401
00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,747
I made them get me
a handsome Latin masseur, Carrie.
402
00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:09,291
I'm not passing that up.
403
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,420
You've got this, okay?
Don't worry about it.
404
00:20:12,005 --> 00:20:13,842
♪ I don't know who's getting ready ♪
405
00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:15,554
♪ I don't know who's getting ♪
406
00:20:15,638 --> 00:20:16,973
♪ But what a pity ♪
407
00:20:17,057 --> 00:20:19,227
♪ Such a pity cityIf there's no children ♪
408
00:20:19,311 --> 00:20:21,942
♪ I don't see them on the runway ♪
409
00:20:22,025 --> 00:20:23,820
- ♪ They bus them in on Sundays ♪
- [Carrie gags]
410
00:20:23,904 --> 00:20:28,287
♪ The visitors are needing to decideIf you can come stay ♪
411
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,898
Honestly, this is too easy.
412
00:20:41,982 --> 00:20:44,277
Well, do it then. Or do you not know?
413
00:20:44,361 --> 00:20:47,785
How can you lead a group saving women
when you don't know where the "clid" is?
414
00:20:48,537 --> 00:20:49,580
The what?
415
00:20:50,373 --> 00:20:51,291
The "clid."
416
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,421
- Do you mean the clit?
- That's what I said.
417
00:20:53,505 --> 00:20:54,674
No, you said "clid" with a "D."
418
00:20:54,757 --> 00:20:56,636
- He's stalling. I think we should--
- I can do it.
419
00:21:20,099 --> 00:21:21,018
[door opens]
420
00:21:21,101 --> 00:21:23,355
Kash! I did it. I got, uh, your--
421
00:21:23,439 --> 00:21:25,903
- What's going on?
- We're locating the clitoris.
422
00:21:25,986 --> 00:21:28,074
Oh, it's right there at the top
underneath the clitoral hood
423
00:21:28,157 --> 00:21:29,326
at the crest of the labia minora.
424
00:21:29,409 --> 00:21:32,373
…Ora. Exactly.
425
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,754
Guys, come on. It's basic knowledge.
426
00:21:35,254 --> 00:21:37,843
- That doesn't mean you win.
- Kash, I have your tampons.
427
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:41,726
See? I buy my girlfriend tampons.
428
00:21:41,810 --> 00:21:44,064
Maybe you would too, if you had one.
429
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:47,362
Thank you.
430
00:22:02,433 --> 00:22:05,649
[Colt] You know, I like my women
the way I like my guns.
431
00:22:05,732 --> 00:22:06,818
With a silencer.
432
00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:08,572
[laughs]
433
00:22:08,655 --> 00:22:10,701
This here is a tribute
to the perfect woman.
434
00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,921
♪ I met her at a downtown bar ♪
435
00:22:17,005 --> 00:22:19,092
♪ She was waiting on drunks ♪
436
00:22:20,136 --> 00:22:24,562
♪ Lord, she had a mouth that wasOnly good for… measured debate ♪
437
00:22:26,524 --> 00:22:29,739
♪ And an ass that screamed"Respect me as an intellectual equal" ♪
438
00:22:29,822 --> 00:22:31,033
This doesn't sound right.
439
00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:33,120
- We may have made some minor changes.
- [Colt] ♪ Perfect woman ♪
440
00:22:33,204 --> 00:22:35,959
- Creative differences.
- You can't just do that.
441
00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:39,049
[Colt] ♪ Now we're inThe back of my big red truck ♪
442
00:22:39,132 --> 00:22:42,388
♪ Country music's playingAnd we're about to ♪
443
00:22:43,432 --> 00:22:45,520
♪ Have consensual sex ♪
444
00:22:46,689 --> 00:22:47,691
You can barely notice it.
445
00:22:47,775 --> 00:22:50,404
[Colt] ♪ We rocked all nightAnd she said she loved me ♪
446
00:22:50,989 --> 00:22:52,993
♪ But when the morning came ♪
447
00:22:53,828 --> 00:22:58,337
♪ I did what real men doAnd I licked her out ♪
448
00:22:58,379 --> 00:23:01,218
Whoa! Hey! Man, I know that's not right.
449
00:23:01,301 --> 00:23:03,430
What the hell, man? What the hell?
450
00:23:03,515 --> 00:23:05,936
"I licked her out"?
451
00:23:06,019 --> 00:23:07,313
I think there's a market for it.
452
00:23:07,397 --> 00:23:09,944
[Colt] Maggie, you know
I got a soft spot for you,
453
00:23:10,027 --> 00:23:12,658
but I sure as hell
would never, ever lick you out, Maggie.
454
00:23:12,741 --> 00:23:15,288
Do you hear me? That shit is nasty.
455
00:23:15,789 --> 00:23:19,880
Who changed things? This is my song.
Who changed these lyrics?
456
00:23:19,964 --> 00:23:22,511
♪ Okay, that's just who IThat's just who I ♪
457
00:23:35,036 --> 00:23:37,457
£300,000.
458
00:23:41,507 --> 00:23:42,634
[Jen groans]
459
00:23:43,928 --> 00:23:44,764
[sighs]
460
00:23:44,847 --> 00:23:46,016
Okay.
461
00:23:47,310 --> 00:23:48,813
[Carrie] You don't have to eat them all.
462
00:23:49,314 --> 00:23:51,360
I'll never get to live
the high life again, Carrie.
463
00:23:51,443 --> 00:23:53,740
I'm not even good
at pretending to be successful.
464
00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:56,411
You were. For, like, an hour.
465
00:23:57,581 --> 00:24:00,461
Maybe I should've just
sung the song as it was.
466
00:24:00,545 --> 00:24:04,135
I should say I'm proud of you
for standing up for what you believe in.
467
00:24:07,392 --> 00:24:09,855
- Oh, you're really not going to, are you?
- No.
468
00:24:10,899 --> 00:24:11,734
[sighs]
469
00:24:12,778 --> 00:24:13,822
[groans]
470
00:24:14,990 --> 00:24:18,205
It was so much money, Carrie. Oh, my God.
471
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:20,919
[sighs]
472
00:24:21,002 --> 00:24:23,842
Maybe channelling other people
is all I'm good for.
473
00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:27,724
Hey, shut the fuck up, you gorgeous idiot.
474
00:24:27,808 --> 00:24:30,564
- [Carrie chuckles]
- Your lyrics were good. Your lyrics.
475
00:24:31,064 --> 00:24:32,316
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
476
00:24:34,655 --> 00:24:37,034
And it's just money at the end of the day.
477
00:24:37,118 --> 00:24:38,120
It's only £300,000--
478
00:24:38,203 --> 00:24:41,836
Please don't say the amount.
It causes me physical pain when I hear it.
479
00:24:44,174 --> 00:24:46,219
[Kash, Jizzlord through door
cheers, laughs]
480
00:24:46,303 --> 00:24:47,931
[Kash] Come on!
481
00:25:06,343 --> 00:25:07,596
[Carrie clears throat]
482
00:25:09,975 --> 00:25:11,311
It was his idea.
483
00:25:12,146 --> 00:25:14,400
- I love it.
- It was my idea.
484
00:25:20,872 --> 00:25:23,545
- What did you do today?
- I know where the clitoris is.
485
00:25:24,379 --> 00:25:26,634
Okay, I am not unpacking that.
486
00:25:28,178 --> 00:25:29,389
How do you play this thing?
487
00:25:29,472 --> 00:25:32,604
- Okay, so everyone starts with five tamps.
- [Kash] Mm-hmm.
488
00:25:32,688 --> 00:25:35,902
And you have to get
from the Sanitary Valley
489
00:25:35,986 --> 00:25:37,990
to the Wings of Heaven.
490
00:25:38,073 --> 00:25:40,912
Mm-hmm. Don't get stuck
in Absorbency Marshes though.
491
00:25:40,996 --> 00:25:42,874
- That loses you ten points.
- Okay.
492
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:44,920
And you'll start over here…
493
00:25:45,004 --> 00:25:47,926
[Jizzlord, indistinct]
494
00:25:48,010 --> 00:25:50,264
♪ Getting strong today ♪
495
00:25:51,182 --> 00:25:54,982
♪ A giant step each day ♪
496
00:25:55,650 --> 00:26:01,787
♪ All I want in life is a little bit ofLove to take the pain away ♪
497
00:26:01,871 --> 00:26:04,752
- ♪ Getting strong today ♪
- ♪ Only fools rush in ♪
498
00:26:05,629 --> 00:26:09,344
- ♪ A giant step each day ♪
- ♪ Only fools rush in ♪
499
00:26:10,054 --> 00:26:15,982
♪ All I want in life is a little bit ofLove to take the pain away ♪
500
00:26:16,066 --> 00:26:18,696
[knocking on door]
501
00:26:18,780 --> 00:26:20,992
[speeds up]
502
00:26:21,076 --> 00:26:22,078
[stops]
503
00:26:22,829 --> 00:26:25,125
- I think I left my umbrella here.
- Magnet girl.
504
00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:26,211
I have a name.
505
00:26:26,921 --> 00:26:27,756
[magnetic humming]
506
00:26:27,839 --> 00:26:29,092
[sighs]
507
00:26:29,175 --> 00:26:31,179
- Have you got any piercings?
- No.
508
00:26:32,056 --> 00:26:34,268
Well, you're hardly microchipped, are you?
509
00:26:35,270 --> 00:26:41,659
♪ I will love you till I die ♪
510
00:26:41,742 --> 00:26:48,589
♪ And I will love you all the time ♪
511
00:26:49,090 --> 00:26:55,895
♪ So please put your sweet hand in mine ♪
512
00:26:56,522 --> 00:26:59,862
♪ And float in space ♪
513
00:26:59,945 --> 00:27:03,285
♪ And drift in time ♪
514
00:27:04,078 --> 00:27:10,215
♪ All I want in life is a little bit ofLove to take the pain away ♪
515
00:27:10,299 --> 00:27:17,146
♪ We'll float in space just you and I ♪
39950
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