All language subtitles for two.and.a.half.men.s03e04.hdtv.xvid-fov.vo

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven...

What are you doing?

Masticating.

What?

Don't worry,
it doesn't mean what you think.

What do you think I think?

You know...

Okay, I know what I know.

What do you know?

I know that you're supposed to masticate
your food 20 times before you swallow.

Yeah, but what about
the other thing?

What other thing?

The thing you thought
I was thinking.

I'm sorry, Dad.
You lost me.

Morning.

It is, but I need
to talk to Charlie.

Oh, Morning.

Isn't this your day off?

Well, good luck.

He got home an hour ago, had a bowl
of chili, threw up and went to bed.

He probably threw up 'cause
he didn't masticate enough.

Hey, pottymouth,
there's a lady present.

Berta, why don't you tell me
what you need,

and then you can go enjoy your day off by
spreading sunshine and cheer to others.

It's about the house.
I should wait for Charlie.

I live here, too.
What's the problem?

I'll wait.

Oh, for God's sake, pretend I'm Charlie.
Talk to me.

Hey, Charlie,
I've thought it over,

and if you want me to kill your brother,
I'll need the cash up front.

Very amusing.

Thanks.
I've been taking an improv class.

Okay, here's the deal.

I got five brothers and sisters.

I'm the middle child, which probably
explains why I'm such a people pleaser.

Anyhow, my brother Philip--
he's the second oldest--

he's in the roadside
fireworks business,

which is,
as you might expect, seasonal.

Now, this creates a lot of
economic uncertainty

which has strained
his marriage.

Perhaps not as much as
him boinking his wife's half-sister...

...but it's a snowball effect.

Anyway, to make
a long story short...

Too late.

Fair enough.

Berta: 1;
Zippy: 1.

Anyway, Philip can't live
at his house because,

technically, it's a crime scene.

Which is why I wanted to ask Charlie...

You, uh, you want your
brother to stay here?

Oh, don't be stupid.

He's staying at
my place trying to

wean himself off the meth and
the codeine and whatnot.

I want to stay here
for a couple of days.

That's okay.
I'll ask Charlie.

No, you don't have to ask Charlie.
You-you can ask me.

Fine.

Oh, you'd like
an answer now.

That'd be swell.

Ah, ah, well, uh, uh, I-I
would have to say, um...

uh, after due
consideration and, uh,

and, uh, uh,
taking into account all the, uh,

uh, factors
that are-are involved that...

It would be our
pleasure to have you.

Super. Do you mind
if I take your room?

My room?
Gee, I-I...

Trust me. You want me to have
a room with a private crapper.

Okay. By all means.

Take my room.
I'll bunk with Jake.

Thanks.

What do you mean,
you'll bunk with Jake?

Is that a problem?

Yes. I need my privacy.

For what?

You know...

Two and a half men

Episode 3x04
Your dismissive attitude toward boobs

Never again.

Never, ever, ever again.

You gonna quit drinkin'?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm gonna quit wakin' up.

What are you doing here?
Isn't this your day off?

It is, but your brother invited me to be
your houseguest for a couple of days.

Did he now?

Well, I was going to ask you, but Alan
said he could speak for both of you.

Did he now?

You got a problem with that?

Don't be silly.
You're like family.

Yeah, well, I've seen
how you treat family.

Hey, you're always welcome here.
You don't even have to ask.

Morning, Alan.

Hey, look who
finally...

Berta?
Living here?

Are you insane?

She needed a place to stay
for a couple of days.

What would you have said?

I would have sat her down
and explained my sincere belief

that there are boundaries
between employer and employee

which exist specifically
to protect said employer

from accidentally seeing
the employee

prancing around in her
big cotton granny-panties.

All right.
Go tell her that.

Okay, I was bluffing.

Look, look,
it's just for a couple of days.

We can tough it out.

Yeah, but we wouldn't
have to tough it out

if you hadn't presumed
to invite someone

to stay at my house
without my permission.

Hey, hey, I live here, too.

So do termites!

But they don't have
guest-inviting privileges either.

You're equating me
with termites?

Hell, no. You can get
get rid of termites.

You know, if I thought you meant that,
I would be really hurt.

Too subtle?

Okay, let me take
another tack.

Do you know why I've never accepted
any money from you to stay here?

Well, I assumed you were being
compassionate and generous

during a difficult period
in my life.

It's so you can be here
and Jake can be here,

but it remains my house,
not our house.

What's the difference?

In my house, what you think,
what you want, what you say

doesn't mean squat.

It's just jibber-jabber.

So... so you're saying
I have no rights here?

I thought that
was understood.

I can't believe
we're even talking about it.

Incredible!

I've been living here
for two years,

and you still consider
me a houseguest.

No.

My houseguests bring a bottle
of wine and have sex with me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll go get some chardonnay
and assume the position.

Hey, don't be letting your mouth
write checks your ass can't cash.

Pompous jerk.

I don't know how you
put up with that.

You heard?

We were whispering.

Must be one of them
acoustical anomalies.

I just think it's criminal
the way Charlie treats you--

like some kind
of second-class citizen.

Second-class?

I aspire to second-class.

You know what the pecking order
is in this house?

Charlie,
women Charlie sleeps with,

Charlie's bookie,
women Charlie hopes to sleep with,

termites,

me.

Well, that's just not right.

Yeah, but what
am I supposed to do?

I-I-I can't really afford
my own place.

I mean, I could, but it certainly
wouldn't be on the beach...

unless the beach
was Guadalcanal.

It's a shame, you paying all that money
for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house,

and you're not allowed
inside either one.

Exactly.

I'm a victim here.

Oh, yeah. You got "victim"
written all over you.

But does my brother sympathize?

Do Catholic priests
make good baby-sitters?

Listen, you want rights and privileges,
you got to demand them.

Stand up to Charlie.
Get in his face.

You know what?

You're right.
And starting now.

Go get him, tiger.

Come here, Charlie.

I want to...

Oh, that is so wrong.

Hey.

Hey. You know, Charlie,
you've really got a beautiful view here.

You're just noticing that?

Well, I spend most of my days
looking dirty toilets and

those Rorschach tests
you call bedsheets.

Oh. Well, it's nice you're getting
a chance to stop and smell the roses.

Oh, don't get me started
on the smells around here.

Hey, listen, Berta,
you know,

you know how I feel
about you, right?

No, tell me.

Oh, gee, I could never
put it into words.

Well...

then show me.

Relax, I'm just
screwin' with you.

Good one.

Anyway, uh...

I believe there are certain boundaries
between an employer and an employee...

which is why I think
it'd be best if you found...

Oh, I agree with you
about the boundaries...

...which is why I've been
keeping quiet about

the things your brother says
behind your back.

What does he say?

Oh, I don't want
to cause problems.

No, no, no, come on, tell me.

Let's just say that he doesn't always
appreciate everything you do for him.

You know what the problem is?

I'm a soft touch.

You do have a big heart,

and there are always people out there
who will take advantage of that.

You just wouldn't think
it'd be your own brother.

Yeah, that's the saddest part.

But what can I do about it?

Respect's not freely given
in this life, Charlie.

You got to demand it.

You're right. It's time for me
to stand up for myself.

Good for you.

And while you're up,

would you get me
one of those little

Japanese beers you keep
in the refrigerator?

Oh, sure.
Be right back.

Thanks.

I'm a baaad pussycat.

Did you know
your body doesn't digest corn?

It goes out the same way
it comes in.

It's like a little bookmark
in your poop.

Did they teach you that
at school?

Nope. It's the powers
of observation.

Jake,

that's not dinner conversation.

You're right.

It's dinner cornversation.

See what happens
when you don't hit your kids.

Hey, something smells good.

Meat loaf.

Great, I love meat loaf.

Well, you should make some.

I'll give you the recipe.

You didn't make enough for me?

I'm not your chef.

Is that so?

How did you cook
the meat loaf?

- In the oven.
- Aha.

My oven.

What's your point?

My point?

Oh, don't put me in the middle.
I love you both.

My point is, I'm hungry,
and I want meat loaf.

Yeah, well, I'm Alan,
and I want respect.

I think I got a better chance
at gettin' meat loaf.

You know what, Charlie?

I'm starting to feel like maybe
Jake and I have overstayed our welcome.

No, not at all.
Jake's still welcome.

You're the one
with the attitude.

My attitude?

I-I thought my attitude
didn't count for anything.

that it was just...
jabberwocky.

Jibber-jabber, you moron.

Okay, okay, that settles it.
I think it's time we moved.

We?

Yeah, we.

But I'm still welcome.

You'll go
where I go.

Can we get a place
on the beach?

Sure, if you don't mind living
under a lifeguard stand.

Hey, we managed to get by
without your help before we came here,

we'll do it again.

Why do you keep saying "we"?

You know what
your problem is?

You just don't appreciate
all the things I do for you.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of being
treated like a second-class citizen.

Fine. You want to leave, leave.

Maybe I will.

Way to stand up
for yourself.

Thank you.

So, are we really
out of meat loaf,

or were you just
saying that to piss him off?

Oh, this looks interesting.

"Two-bedroom.
Needs work.

Up-and-coming neighborhood."

What-What does that mean, uh,
"Up-and-coming neighborhood?"

It means the Realtor didn't think
he could move the house saying,

"Drug-ravaged battlefield."

Okay, we'll keep looking.

Alan, I don't mean to pry,
but after alimony and child support,

exactly how much
can you afford to spend?

Really?

Yes, really.

Sweetie, my shoes
cost more than this.

Well, Mom, you have
a lot of shoes.

The ones I'm wearing.

Alan, based on this amount,
you don't need a Realtor.

You need someone
who sells camping equipment.

Yeah, well, then
that's what I'll do.

All right, but may I propose
a simple alternative?

I'm not living
with you, Mom.

Okay.

Well, then I have
a final alternative.

And what would that be?

Run straight to your brother's ass,
and kiss it repeatedly.

Forget it.
I-I can't stay here anymore.

Hey Red, you wanna top this off for me?

Certainly.

May I get you a short stack
and some pork links while I'm at it?

Nah, I'm full.

But as long as we're discussing
dining choices, why don't you bite me?

Oh, goodie.

More loved ones.

Good morning, Charlie.

Let me guess.

Alan invited you to move in.

No. She's helping me move out.

This is a sad day.

We're gonna miss you
around here, Alan.

Well, thank you, Berta.

Sad, sad, sad.

Don't you have
anything to say, Charlie?

Yeah.

Okay, well,
enough of sentiment.

We should really get going.

Apartments in your price range
are a long drive from Malibu.

I know, Mom.

A long, long drive.

Got it.

Maybe you should try to go
pee-pee before we get in the car.

Would you mind
looking after Jake?

If it'll help get you out
of here, I'll breast-feed him.

You know,
with Zippy out of here,

you're gonna have that nice guest room
just going to waste.

Yeah?

So, I was thinking,
how about if I become a live-in?

A live-in what?

Housekeeper.

Easier for you, easier for me.

Everybody wins.

Gee, um...

Hold that thought.
My coffee just kicked in.

Hey, you want to go down to the
arcade and play some air hockey?

No.

Want to go to a movie?

No.

Come on, I'll take you
to some unrated.

See some boobs.

Leave me alone.

Are you mad at me?

What was your first clue?

Well, frankly, your dismissive
attitude toward boobs.

Why are you making us move?

You're not moving.

Well, then why is Dad looking
for another place for us to live?

Because he's trying to
teach me a lesson.

Why don't you tell him to stop?

Because I'm trying to
teach him a lesson.

What's your lesson?

That it's my house.

What's his lesson?

That he lives here, too.

Okay, I'm just a kid, but
that sounds stupid even to me.

Well, be that as it may,

I give you my word,

I am not gonna let
you go anywhere.

Promise?

Promise.

Is the boob offer still open?

Come on.

How do you pronounce
her last name?

Hayek.
Salma Hayek.

Wow. Her name's as pretty
as her boobs.

What's all this?

Found a place.

Fully furnished,
ready to move in.

Uh, Jake, I packed most
of your stuff.

You may want to check
if I missed anything.

Uncle Charlie...?

Listen to your father.

- But you said...
- I said listen to your father.

I'm just a pawn.

So, where is this place?

In the Valley.

A lovely, uh,
Spanish-style complex called

Valley Hacienda.

Good for you.

Two-bedroom.

Pool, Jacuzzi, rec room.

Sounds great.

It is, and we're going.

I can see that.

Well, it's for the best.

I'll finally have a place
that's really mine,

and you can go back
to living the

selfish, unexamined life
you obviously cherish.

Looking forward to it.

OK, I guess I'm ready to go.

Well, then, uh,
I guess we should go.

Need some help?

No, we can handle it.

All right, uh,
Valley Hacienda, here we come.

Jake, say good-bye
to your Uncle Charlie.

Bye, Uncle Charlie.

Bye, kid.

Jake, go get in the car.

Listen to your father.

I don't think anybody's
learning anything here.

Well, uh, thanks
for your hospitality.

I'm sorry we
overstayed our welcome.

Alan...

I don't want to go.
Please don't make me go.

I love it here.
I love it so much!

I thought you
found a nice place.

I was bluffing.
It sucked!

They all sucked!

Do you want me to kiss your ass?
'Cause I will literally kiss your ass!

Come on. Turn around.

Alan, cut it out.

I mean it, I mean it.
You're the boss.

You know, I'd-I'd rather be a
second-class citizen here in paradise

than king of a urine-soaked firetrap
next to Burbank Airport.

Alan, Alan,
calm down, calm down.

If you want to stay,
you can stay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, Charlie,
you have no idea how bad it was.

I mean, I couldn't bring a woman
to one of these places.

The only way I'd ever have sex
was if I was molested by a rat.

Pull yourself together.

Now go grab Jake,
and we'll all have some dinner.

And-And thanks again.

You're welcome.

Hey, hey, Charlie?

What?

Just before I-
I went down on my knees...

were you about to say something?

I don't think so.

Before I started weeping,

you were gonna tell me to stay.

No, I wasn't.

You're not
fooling anybody.

You'd miss me if I was gone.

Despite everything you've said,

we're brothers,

and we have a bond that's deeper
and more meaningful than any...

He folded,
didn't he?

My ass is covered
with lip-prints.

Damn.

Well, anyway, uh,

I guess you want to head home
and see how Philip's doing.

Who?

Philip?

Your brother?

Detoxing?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Philip.

My brother.

This isn't so bad.

Seems reasonably safe.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sure the Valley Hacienda
crack dealers have organized

some sort of
neighborhood watch.

We could make this work.

I-I think
it's got a lot going for it.

I'm not a big fan
of the orange carpet,

but part of the fun of having a new place
is fixing it up, making it your own.

You know, slap on a new coat
of paint...

Of course, a little bleach to take out
those bloodstains in the tub.

Or you could just run home and
kiss your brother's ass repeatedly.

Couldn't you just say,
"I told you so?"

transcripts by cfsmp3

corrections by Bouliii

Synchro by nColas

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