All language subtitles for two.and.a.half.men.s03e03.hdtv-lol.vo

Will you please stop that?!

I got a piece of popcorn
stuck in my teeth.

So go brush them.

I brushed them this morning.

So go floss them.

Oh, gross!

Wait. I got it.

No, that's chicken.

When did we have chicken?

You didn't really brush
this morning, did you?

Between you and me, I lost
my toothbrush three days ago.

Still good.

Hey, have you met any of
the ladies my dad's been dating?

No. You?

No.

More chicken?

Fingernail.

Yours?

I hope so.

So, how come I don't get
to meet Dad's dates?

I don't know.

Maybe 'cause you're disgusting.

No, come on, really.

I'm not kidding.

For most women,
you're a deal-breaker.

But you used to say
I was a babe magnet.

You used to be
little and cute.

Now you're just old
and in the way.

That's very hurtful,
Uncle Charlie.

All right,
the truth is that

your dad doesn't want you
to get attached to any of these women

in case the relationship
doesn't work out.

Why?

Because he loves you very much,
and he cares about your feelings.

You let me
meet your dates.

And what does that tell you?

I have no idea.

Episode 3x03
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Hello?

Hey, Dad.

What are you
doing up so late?

Charlie,
what is he doing up?

Shh, he's asleep.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Charlie!

What?!

Oh, hey, Alan.

What is he doing up so late?

I told him to go to bed.

How many times did I tell you
to go to bed?

Boy, I lost count.

See?

So how was your date?

It was fine.

Did you get any?

Did I get any what?

Hang on.

What's he supposed to get?

I swear, I don't know
what he's talking about.

Go to bed!

What are you teaching him?

What difference does it make?

The only thing he retains
is little shards of chicken.

Wonderful.

So, did you get any?

It was a nice evening.
We had a lovely dinner.

You know, for the record,

"a lovely dinner"
doesn't necessarily preclude

carpet burns and
a bite mark on your ass.

In this case, it was just dinner
and pleasant conversation.

Well, that's why God gave us
Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Good evening.

Oh, hey, Alan.

The kid was asking about these women
you've been going out with,

why he never gets
to meet any of them.

Really? Uh, what...
what did you tell him?

I said it's probably because
he's disgusting.

Oh, Charlie...

I also told him that you love him
and that you don't want him

to get attached to somebody and then be
disappointed if things don't work out.

Good. Thank you.

But how come
I don't get to meet them?

'Cause you're disgusting.

That's very hurtful, Alan.

Come on, really.

What's the big secret
with these women?

Oh, boy, I-I really
don't want to get into it.

- They're hideous, right?
- No.

- Insufferable?
- No.

Inflatable?

Are you insane?

Ooh, insane.
Are they insane?

Leave me alone.

Come on,
give me a hint.

When you go to
pick them up,

do you need a border collie
to cut them off from the herd?

Stop it!

I'm never going to stop, Alan.
You know me better than that.

Okay, fine.

I'll-I'll tell you.

First of all,

there's no women.

Imaginary. My next guess
was gonna be imaginary.

Let me finish.

It's just one woman.

I've been seeing the same woman
for several weeks now.

I see.

You've been
playing it slow.

Yes.

And by "slow,"
I mean "gay."

I can't talk to you
about this.

Alan,

you hook a fish
and play it too long,

you know what you're gonna
finally have when you reel it in?

What?

A tired fish that
thinks you're gay.

Do you drink while you're
baby-sitting my son?

Not at first,
but he wears me down.

So, what's the deal
with this broad?

She's not a broad.

It's Judith.

Your ex-wife?

Okay. Okay,
that's not fair.

You said "no" to
insufferable and insane.

Very funny.

Are you serious?

And by "serious," I mean
dumber than a bag of doorknobs.

Look, we went out to dinner
a couple of weeks ago

to talk about getting Jake
into a good middle school,

and before you know it,
we were laughing and...

and having
a great time.

Well, I can see
the humor in trying to get

the little bonehead
into a good school.

But that doesn't mean you
start dating your ex-wife.

I-I know what you're thinking.

I'm being naive,
and romantic...

Not even close!

Charlie, you can't overlook the fact
that we still have a lot in common.

Yeah, neither of you have
any respect for you.

The point is, she wants to give
it another try, and so do I.

But we can't let Jake know because
we don't want him to get his hopes up.

Oh, buddy, why don't you just take
an electric sander to your testicles?

We're both adults,
we are aware of the pitfalls,

and we think
it's worth the risk.

Okay, fine.

I wish you both
nothing but happiness.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

What's going on?

Sit down, Alan.

We need to talk.

Yeah, well, uh... listen,
I'd love to,

but I've got to wake up Jake
so that we can...

Let him sleep.

Am I getting whacked?

It was discussed,
but I was overruled.

Sit down.

Alan, we're all here
because we love you.

And we don't want to see you
make a terrible mistake.

I'm just waiting
for my toaster strudel to pop.

There we go.

You told on me.

Hey, you wouldn't
listen to reason, so now,

you're going
to listen to mom.

Alan, sweetheart,

you know I only want
the best for you, right?

I do.

I do.

Which is why,
when Judith threw you out,

I was right there
supporting you.

You had other options?

Don't be naive.

I could have
sucked up to Judith

in order to have
more access to my grandson.

But, no, I burned
that bridge.

I said horrible things to her
that I can never take back.

And, keep in mind, this is a woman
who worked the phrase

"mousy bitch" into
her wedding toast.

So, if you two reconcile,
I'll have to apologize to her.

So?

I'd rather kill us all.

Moving on.

Rose, do you have something
you'd like to say to Alan?

Yes, thank you.

Alan, when I first met you,
I didn't care for you at all.

You were a fussy,
whiny control freak.

Yes, and-and now?

Now it doesn't bother me
so much.

I think what Rose means
is that, since the divorce,

you've grown,
you've been reborn.

That's not what I meant.

If that was what I meant,
that's what I would've said.

Sorry.

Yeah, you'll get your turn.

Okay.

Alan, life is all about
moving on.

Now, in the
animal kingdom,

sharks move forward
while crabs move sideways.

So the question you
have to ask yourself is,

are you a shark
or a crab?

Which way do
sea monkeys move?

Okay, that's Judith.

Now, I thank you
for your concern,

but, uh, I would appreciate it

if nobody said anything and
everybody just stayed out of it.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Mom.

Hi, honey.
Why aren't you dressed?

Alan, I told you
I was picking him up early.

Why isn't he ready?

- Go get dressed.
- I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're always sorry, but I'm always
the one who has to play the bad guy.

Damn it, Alan...

Okay, he's gone.

I was thinking about you
last night.

Really?

What were you thinking?

Just what a nice time I had.

Yes, yes it was.

Alan?

Turn around.

Hi, Judith.

Hello. How are you?

Fine.

Bye dad.
Bye, everybody.

Bye, Jake.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Thanks for staying out of it.

You're welcome.

Hey, Alan, come on out.

I got a surprise for you.

Can it wait?

Jake forgot
his math book.

I'm going to run it
over to Judith's.

No, no, no, no, no,
you can't go to Judith's.

The surprise is ready now.

Okay. What is it?

Oh, for God's sake.

Wait, there's more.

Twins, Alan!

I got 'em for you,
but you can share if you want.

Charlie, no.

Fine, you can
have them both.

Bad luck to split
sisters anyway.

I don't want either of 'em.
I'm going over to Judith's.

I don't think you're getting
the full picture here.

Turn around!

Show him the full picture!

That's daily Pilates classes
and one meal a month.

I'll see you later.

Are you sure?

Even put together, these girls
aren't as old as your ex-wife.

Bye.

Oh, for the love of God.

Stop turning!

Show's over!

Isn't he adorable?

Yeah.

When's he's sleeping,
he's like a little angel.

I was planning to
have a glass of wine

and sit in the hot tub
before you came over.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to be sure he got the book.
I'll get out of your way.

Alan, would you
like to join me?

Oh, well, uh,
I didn't bring a bathing suit.

You don't need
a bathing suit.

Okay.

Have you been keeping up
the chlorine treatments?

'Cause, you know,
without a bathing suit,

you're just inviting algae
into your privates.

I like the, uh... the
new patio furniture.

Thanks.

What is that,
uh, uh, redwood?

Teak.

Whoa, teak.

That must have set
me back a few bucks.

The salesman said it would pay
for itself in five years.

Oh, really? Really?
How-how's it going to do that?

Is it going to
get a paper route?

It's very nice.

Thank you.

Uh, of course, it's, uh,
going to require a lot of upkeep.

Um, actually, all wood
that's outside requires upkeep...

except trees.

They seem to have it down.

Alan, are you nervous?

Yeah, a-a little.
I mean, uh...

we've been separated
for two years.

I haven't seen you
naked for four...

except, you know, that-that one time
I walked in on you on the toilet...

Mom, you out there?

Oh, my God, what
are we going to do?!

Take a deep breath.

What?

I'm thirsty.

Uh, so have
something to drink.

There's no more
Goofy Juice.

So have some water.

Fine.

Hey, Mom?

What?!

I'm hungry, too.

Can you make me
a sandwich?

No. Have your drink
and go to bed.

Fine.

Mom?

How about a cookie?

You already brushed
your teeth.

No, I didn't.

You said you did.

I always say that.

Well, then brush them
and go to bed.

Fine.

Are you okay?

There was a bright light,
and I saw my dead grandma.

She seemed happy.

Have a little wine.

Thank you.
Thank you.

That was close.

Oh, relax, he...
he didn't see you.

And what if
he comes back?

Maybe I should go.

Or we could go upstairs
and get in bed.

Bed?

Our old bed?

My new bed.

What was wrong
with the old one?

Too many memories.

Of what?

You pretending to sleep
and me watching Letterman?

Alan, do you really want
to have this conversation?

No, I don't, but apparently
my mouth has a mind of its own.

Well, let's put your mouth
to better use.

I can't go back
underwater, Judith.

Hey, Charlie?

Yeah?

Not that it's any of my business,
but I couldn't help noticing

the matched set of rotating floozies
on your deck earlier.

They were for Alan.

I was trying to get his mind
off of Judith.

With a night of meaningless,
impersonal group sex?

What a good brother.

No, no. A good brother
gets him a couple of girls.

It takes a great brother to get
him two from the same egg.

You know...

there is a possibility
that we were wrong about this.

Maybe Alan and Judith
can work things out.

Maybe, but if they do,
what happens to Jake?

He grows up in a happy home with a
mommy and daddy who love each other.

Yeah, but what about me?

It's too late for you, Charlie.

No, I mean, what
happens to me and Jake?

I'll never
get to see him.

You really love
the little guy, huh?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Love hurts, Rose.

Yes, it does.

Especially when you've given your heart
to someone who barely knows you exist,

who insists on plowing
through strange, stupid women

who could never love him
the way you do,

leaving you to stand outside,
alone in the night,

wishing with all your heart
that he would come to his senses

and realize that his true happiness
lies with you and no one else,

but knowing all the while
that it'll never happen

because he's a selfish,
immature, heartless jerk!

I mean...

poor baby.

Okay, I'm going to
stick my neck out here

and say that was the
best sex we ever had.

I agree.

Not that it wasn't
good before...

It wasn't.

Granted.

Which raises the question...

Why is it so much better now?

Does it matter?

No, not-not really.
I mean, just-just curious.

I mean, I, uh...

I noticed, uh, some
new moves on your part,

and I can't
help wondering

where you might
have picked them up.

Are you saying you haven't been with
other women in the last two years?

Oh, no, no, I-I've
been with other women.

I just didn't
learn anything.

You, on the other hand, have an
entirely new sexual repertoire,

including a-
a couple of numbers

I repeatedly requested
when we were married.

And by "requested,"
I mean "begged."

Please don't go there.

Oh. Now, see,
that's, uh...

that's what I'm used to hearing
from you in bed.

"Don't go there."

"Ooh, don't touch that."

"Leave that alone.
It's not a toy."

So I've changed.
I would think that you would be happy.

Well, I was...
very happy,

but then I started
to think about it,

and there's no reason you
couldn't have changed with me.

Oh, please.

I gave you every chance.

I-I bought tickets
to sex seminars.

I-I brought home books
and tapes and accessories,

and-and-and what happened?

I sat right here reading
and watching by myself

while eating low-fat love jelly
straight out of the tube.

Okay, I can see
this was a bad idea.

The bad idea was sitting in that
filthy hot tub without a bathing suit.

I can feel mushrooms
growing in my crack as we speak.

Just go home, Alan.

Hey, we're not married anymore.

You can't tell me what to do.

Hey, Mom, does
this look infected?

Okay, bye.

It's okay.
I didn't see anything.

What are you watching?

Soft-core porn.

Sound's not on.

I don't need to hear 'em.

Aren't those the-the twins
from the deck?

Too late now, Alan.

You could have been delivering
that pizza.

So, how's Judith?

Fine. She got
some new patio furniture.

That's nice.

Teak.

Put in some rose bushes, too.

How about that?

And I think the neighbors
got a new dog.

A mean dog.

Really?

Might have been a coyote.

Hard to say.

It was dark,
and I was crying.

Anything else?

No.

Oh, yeah, um...

I saw our dead grandmother.

Where?

In the hot tub.

Oh, that's the cab.

Could you, uh,
lend me 60 bucks?

I don't have
my wallet on me.

Sure.

Thank you.

I suddenly have
a craving for pizza.

Script : cfsmp3, Sync: nColas
Corrections : Bouliii

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