Original subtitles

Previously on Young Sheldon...

Sheldon Cooper.

What?

I finished reading it. My name's Sheldon Cooper.

What... You finished it?

Yes.

(chuckles) Impressive.

Wha-- You should major in computer science.

(laughs) No, thanks. I'll stick to real science.

(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me, but you're not Evan.

True.

Where's Evan? Elsewhere.

So you don't know?

True.

Oh, good. You met Joaquin.

Proper introductions were not made. What's he doing here?

Uh, he's helping me write an algorithm

so, uh, we can beat the stock market.

Why?

Uh, well, so we can get rich, buy cool cars and get girls.

But mostly the girls.

Isn't the search for knowledge its own reward?

Uh, yeah, sure, if the knowledge helps you get girls.

That seems like a lot of unnecessary effort

just to meet females.

Yeah, we've tried talking to them.

Actual disaster.

You want to help us?

I don't need to meet girls.

In fact, I'd like to know fewer people, not more.

You could use the money to buy yourself something fun.

Ooh, like a particle accelerator or 100 tanks of liquid nitrogen.

I was thinking of a hot tub, but okay.

I can't get you to take a shower,

and-and you want a hot tub?

Girls like hot tubs.

How much would it cost to build a particle accelerator?

Conservatively, four to ten billion dollars.

Then you need to help us.

Hmm. Well, I haven't done much coding,

but I am good at everything.

Okay, I'm in charge.

Scoot.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man.♪

What are you watching? Travis Lemon.

The crazy church guy?

He's not crazy. Well, his hair is.

(organ music playing) Well, I got news for y'all.

Jesus wants you to prosper.

He wants you to have nice things, a life of abundance.

Says so right here in the book.

"My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches

in glory by Jesus Christ."

He's right. It does say that.

When's it's over? I want to watch MTV.

Reverend Travis has a band.

They rock pretty hard.

(scoffs)

The same is true for you.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread,

but somebody had to give him those loaves.

And that's what I need from you.

Every dollar you donate

to the Travis Lemon ministry will be returned to you tenfold!

Tenfold, my sweet patootie.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Daphne, get the address on the screen?

So you get the checkbook out,

and you show how much you love the Lord,

and the Lord will love you back.

And when your neighbor asks you,

"Where'd you get that new Cadillac?" you tell 'em,

"On the corner of Heaven and Saved."

Oh, what the heck.

All right, Steve-arooni, let's hit it!

(Mary sighs)

(upbeat rock music plays)

Hey, Missy. Hey. What are you doing?

Just breaking in my new shoes for school.

They're brown.

Cool.

Can I watch your TV?

Sure.

(leather squeaking)

That squeaking you're hearing is my new shoes.

♪ Getting edgy all the time... ♪

Where's your mom at?

She went to my Aunt Sylvia's for a few days.

Aunt Sylvia has a big lump on her neck.

So you're alone?

Just me and my chickens.

Billy, we have to throw a party.

For the chickens?

No! For us! Why?

What do you mean "why"? Your mom's not home.

What would we do? Play games?

Yeah, drinking games.

Like when you paid me a dollar to chug a gallon of milk?

That was a different game, and I'm sorry.

Boy, did I throw up.

For this party, I'm thinking beer.

We're not old enough to drink beer.

That's why kids'll come.

Smart.

Do you think they'll like eggs?

I have so many eggs.

What's that A-sub-one-variable?

It's undefined.

It's defined in the previous subroutine.

Oh, my. That is elegant.

We don't use the word "elegant."

Why? What's wrong with it?

Well, last semester, I invited a girl to my room

to look at my elegant coding,

and... she called the police, so...

Understood. So what happens next?

Uh, we just buy the stocks the algorithm suggests.

With what? Our student loan money.

How much are you in for?

Oh, my mother's always warned me

against the evils of gambling.

Well, it's not gambling, it-it's math.

Is your mother against math?

Well, when you use it to prove

the Earth wasn't made in seven days, she gets a little touchy.

It's your call.

Particle accelerator, or no particle accelerator?

Let me fetch my money sock.

You keep your money in a sock?

My meemaw keeps her money in her bra.

Does she like hot tubs?

So how are you and Dale getting along?

Well, I rode a bike seven miles

to have coffee with you, so that should tell you.

Not going well?

Oh, it's fine.

It's just, after you've lived

by yourself for a long time,

having a roommate takes a little getting used to.

I'm sure Dale's doing his best.

That's my fear.

Mare, what's this $50 to an "R.T.L.M."?

Reverend Travis Lemon Ministries.

I made a donation.

The goofy guy with the hair?

He's not goofy,

and he preaches the gospel in a way that speaks to me.

Yeah, well, let me speak to you.

We can't be throwing away 50 bucks.

We are not throwing it away.

We are gonna get that money back plus some.

Oh, honey, now, come on.

You can't possibly believe that B.S.

Maybe. Reverend Travis says that Jesus wants us to prosper.

MEEMAW: Is that why

he huffed and puffed and blew my house down?

I'm cancelling this check. Don't you dare.

Mary, this is groceries for a week.

We will get it back. We just need to have faith.

(sighs) Will you talk some sense into your daughter?

If I could talk sense into her,

she would never have married you.

She had to marry me because I got her pregnant. Ha!

Huh.

He ain't wrong about the money.

Thank you!

Well, gentlemen, we've doubled our income

in a little over eight hours.

I'm gonna need a bigger sock.

The good news is, our algorithm is working,

and it's getting more efficient with every trade.

Which is why we have to stay strong.

We can't expect to be millionaires overnight.

It'll take...

12 to 14 business days.

It's actually gonna happen.

I'm gonna have sex.

Where are you going?

To take a shower.

(footsteps approaching)

Hey, can I talk to you?

Yeah. What's up?

Actually, in there.

You ain't pregnant, are you?

No. How could you say that?!

Been known to happen.

(scoffs)

(sighs) Okay.

So, Billy's mom's away, and we're throwing a party.

All right.

Do you think if I took some of Dad's beer, he'd notice?

Do you think he'd notice?

Okay, dumb question.

Anyways, you're too young. You shouldn't be drinking.

You just asked if I was pregnant.

Well, don't do either.

So you wouldn't buy us a case of beer if I gave you the money?

Missy, I'm not old enough to buy beer.

That's never stopped you before.

And I'm ashamed of myself.

(sighs) I'll tell you what I can do.

I got something for a party that's better than beer.

What?

Bottle rockets, Roman candles, M80s, the works.

Oh, sure. Thanks.

You're not excited now, but trust me,

you blow up one mailbox, and you got yourself a party.

(sighs)

Need a hand?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, so, when you were my age, did you go any parties?

Oh, yeah.

The good ones I remember, the great ones... gone.

That is so cool.

Ah, I was pretty cool.

You get invited to one?

Kind of.

Ooh, tell me.

I'm sort of helping my friend throw it.

(gasps) First party. That's a big deal.

Any advice?

Hmm. Well, for starters,

music is key.

You want it good, you want it loud,

but not so loud the cops come.

Although, if they do, you're a legend.

Damn.

And if you have make-out spots,

you want to keep 'em private, but not too private.

You know, closets, pantries.

You want to keep your guests standing. Makes sense.

Mm-hmm.

And, um, I've heard

at some of these parties there's drinking?

Oh.

Well... yeah, sometimes,

but, uh,

fun can be had without... it.

Uh-huh, but just in case,

would you buy it for us?

No. Why not?

Because you're a kid.

You were a kid.

Yeah, but it was different. How?

The point is, I'm a mom now.

A cool mom.

Not that cool.

Besides, the only underage person

that I'm gonna buy alcohol for is the father of my child.

You really aren't cool.

Thanks for seeing me.

Of course, my door is always open.

Smoke?

I'm good. I'll just breathe in yours.

Suit yourself.

(coughing)

Could we have a little privacy?

I'll just be listening at the door.

She does.

So, what can we do for you?

Well, I was thinking maybe it was time

for Mary to come back to the church.

You know, be a part of your herd again.

We say flock.

Although, Texas-- herd works.

With all the beef and whatnot.

Well, Mary's always welcome.

Great. (phone ringing)

Oh. Maybe you could use her back here in the office.

Nah, we got things covered.

Do you need to answer that?

No, they'll call back.

Peg, please.

All right, bossy.

(chuckles)

So, uh...

what do you think?

Mary said she wants to come back?

Not in so many words.

But I know if you asked her,

it would just mean the world to me,

to her, to us... (chuckles)

To God.

I'll pray on it.

Great.

(sighs)

I'll pray on it later.

Right. Sure.

Fascinating.

Why aren't you doing what I tell you?

We rich yet?

Yeah, we better be.

Evan went nuts.

He got garlic sticks.

Did either of you authorize the algorithm

to make foreign trades?

No. No.

Well, that's what it's doing.

We own 7,000 shares of Chow Fat Enterprises

on the Hong Kong exchange.

Fascinating.

That's what I said.

It's trading on its own?

It would seem so.

Uh, we... need to stop it, pull the plug.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Are we up or down?

We're up.

Then what's the problem?

The problem is we've lost control.

This is Frankenstein's monster.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

What?

To reanimate life was

an incredible scientific achievement.

The real bad guys in the story are

the ignorant villagers.

You were on the monster's side?

Unfairly hounded for being different?

You betcha.

Guys, guys, guys.

Chow Fat stock just split.

We have 14,000 shares.

So, we created an algorithm that's evolving by itself

and becoming a new form of intelligence?

And I, Sheldon Cooper,

wholeheartedly think it's terrific.

(quietly): It may be listening.

♪ ♪

How do we do this?

We just got to wait for someone

who's old enough to buy beer

but young enough to be cool.

Got it.

Try him. Excuse me, sir--

Buy your own beer.

Thank you.

I think he was onto us.

Let me try.

Hey. Hey.

Would you buy me beer? I forgot my ID at home.

How old are you?

Um...

thirty.

(scoffs)

Twenty-five?

(sighs) This isn't working.

Maybe the party was a bad idea.

Hey, mister,

will you buy us some beer?

I'm not old enough.

Those guys thought I was a grown-up.

Billy!

What?

CLARK: Here's your change. Thank you.

♪ I'm on my way to Italy ♪

♪ From the Gulf of Mexico... ♪

You can go now.

Thank you. (shoes squeaking)

Howdy, neighbor.

Pastor Jeff, how nice to see you.

Am I interrupting anything?

No, no, come on in.

So, what brings you by?

Well, I've been thinking, uh,

we really miss you over at the church

and maybe you might consider coming back.

Well...

that's awful kind of you, but I've joined a new church.

Oh! The Methodists got you, didn't they?

Oh, no.

Reverend Travis Lemon.

Oh, not the fella with the hair.

Mary, he's a snake oil salesman,

taking people's money

and promising 'em all kinds of riches.

Well...

Then how do you explain this check I got from the IRS?

$800.

I sent Reverend Travis $50

and that came the very next day.

Oh, come on.

It had to be in the mail before you sent your money in.

Did it?

Of course. I'm as patriotic as the next guy,

but our postal service flat-out sucks.

Excuse my French.

Well, we disagree.

Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me

to be prosperous and I believe him.

This is nothing but a coincidence.

You overpaid your taxes,

you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.

You sound like Sheldon.

I believe I know my way out.

Mm.

♪ Like me care for you? ♪

♪ Ah♪ ♪ Why do I bother... ♪

Help me move this, will you?

What are you doing?

Making a dance floor.

I'm a very good dancer. Really?

My mom says so. Watch.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes... ♪ (phone ringing)

I'll get it.

♪ Life is demanding... ♪

Sparks' residence. Hey, sweetie.

Oh. Hey, Mom.

You okay there all by yourself?

I'm not by myself, Missy's here.

W-wait, she's not here.

Put her on.

Okay.

♪ But where do you belong? ♪

Hey, Mrs. Sparks.

What are y'all up to?

Just hanging out.

Cut the crap.

You throwing a party, ain't you?

What? No.

Relax, I'm all for it.

I want my son to have a life.

Wait, he's invited right?

'Course. We're just making a dance floor.

Oh, God, Missy, do not let him dance.

♪ Bring me joy? ♪

♪ Under the pale moon. ♪

MARY: Lord, I know everyone thinks I'm being foolish

giving money to Reverend Travis,

but why wouldn't you want us to be prosperous?

You love us, it makes sense.

And I got that IRS check, which feels like a sign.

And I think I know a sign when I see one.

(crow cawing) Ugh. Oh!

Oh!

Ew!

What's going on?

A bird did its business in my eye.

Better than your mouth, right?

You think you're funny?!

Yeah.

We may have a problem.

Oh, what's wrong?

The program's running really slow.

We're losing money.

Well, what's happening?

It was fine this morning.

I don't know if this is related,

but I did add a new subroutine.

To do what?

To resolve the inconsistencies

between general relativity and quantum mechanics.

Why would you do that?

Because our algorithm's so smart

and it's the biggest unanswered question in the universe.

But it's messing with the computer.

We're losing money.

What about my car? What about girls?

Rest assured, you solve general relativity,

the girls will be lined up around the block to kiss you.

(laughter, chatter) (fireworks whistling)

Someone's having a party and we weren't invited.

(exhales)

(engine cranking)

(groans) Gosh darn it.

(sighs)

Stupid car.

Oh! (gasps)

(groaning)

Make it stop. I'm trying, it doesn't want to.

I think it finds the question too interesting.

Ooh, but it's messing with the computer.

We're losing everything. I don't know what else to do.

You could have just unplugged it.

Or at least opened the window.

I showered for nothing.

(Roman candle flares whistling, music playing nearby)

You know, honey, nothing much you can do

about a broken toe.

Unless you think Reverend Travis can fix it.

Maybe I'll stick it up your butt.

Mary Cooper. Language.

I'm going to bed.

(candle flare whistles, window shatters)

Ah!

I'm in.

My bottom is scorched, don't look at it.

And as we're passing the collection plate,

let's give a warm welcome to the Coopers

who are back in the fold.

Our donation room is looking

a little empty after the tornado.

So please bring in your canned goods,

your used clothing--

(retching)

Is that beer? Oh, my--

(retching)

Anyway, welcome back Coopers.

Please turn to page 37 in your hymnals.