All language subtitles for Ghosts.2021.S03E05]

I can't believe this.

Yeah, it's a weird thing to see.

Just be glad they
put your body in bag.

That not happen to Thor.

Slowly watched my own body
decompose over many years.

You've said all this before.

Not to her! She new here.

Is very good story.
MARVIN: That should do it.

Just need you to sign
here and initial here.

It's just so sad.

We knew the family.

Yeah, it's rough.

And just to reiterate,

we did not provide
the donut holes.

The deceased brought
them to the party.

Not to victim blame.

Mm. Kind of sounds like you are.

Peter, how are you managing
this turn of events?

Well, I'll admit, I
was pretty steamed

when I realized I
was gonna have to

spend eternity with Carol.

Because of the fact
that she cuckolded you

with your best friend Jerry.

Right, but...

I've been thinking about it,

and it's not healthy
to dwell in the past.

You know what, I'm
sorry, I believe

it was actually Jerry
that cuckolded you.

Carol just cheated.

Even in these difficult
times, we must be precise.

Yes, thank you for that
attention to detail,

but the larger point I'm
making is that I'm fine.

So you're not gonna
confront her about it?

PETE: Well, I don't think
she realizes that I know.

And if that's the case,

why make her transition to
the afterlife any harder?

She's got a lot on her plate.

One less donut hole than before.

(both laugh)

I should not be laughing
at that. No. No.

I mean, I'm filled
with anger toward her,

but I-I'm trying to swallow it.

Hopefully better than she
swallowed that tiny confection.

(both laughing)

Hetty, you're bad. I am bad.

♪ ♪

So, uh, we have some bad news.

Yeah, I heard about the
dead lady. (Chuckles)

A lot of people did,
including our main investor,

who feels like,

in combination with
the finance bro

we fished out of the
lake last year...

Epic.

It's just too many dead bodies

for her taste, and she's
pulling her funding.

Oh, man, this is not good.

Mark getting bad news.
The tables have turned.

We'll get another investor,
we'll figure it out.

Hamilton would
say you could just

print the money, and
then he'd probably

go whoring, which he did.

That's great, but
we need money now.

If we shut down, we're
gonna lose our crew,

and who knows when
we'll get them back.

Wait, what are you saying?

I'm saying,

if we don't come up
with, like, ten grand

to cover us over the
next couple weeks,

you can forget about
the restaurant.

And now we're back to
Mark delivering bad news.

All's right in the world again.

Hey, you know who's literally
got exactly $10,000?

Isaac,

from his biography you
sold. SAMANTHA: Right.

Sass is pointing out that

we gave Isaac that money
for the book advance.

Speaking of which, have
you looked at the draft

I gave you to read yet? Uh...

Jay, it's been on your
nightstand for the last week.

I've been really busy
with the restaurant.

He was on TikTok
for, like, an hour,

watching people unclog drains.

It is oddly satisfying. So good.

I promise I will soon, babe.

Now, in the meantime,

let's go get that
Founding Farter

and save our restaurant.

Sounds like we have
our book title.

Not a good start, Jay,

but I am intrigued.

I once turned down
the opportunity

to be part owner in a tavern,

and I always regretted it.

Oh! Isaac's interested, Jay.

ISAAC: They were known

for their horse pie.

They put cinnamon in it.

The name of the
horse was Cinnamon.

TREVOR: T-Money time out.

As your financial advisor, I
need to advise you against this.

The restaurant
business is very risky.

Well, we'll pay you right back.

We just need to get through
the next couple weeks.

JAY: What's happening?

Is the ghost that
we gave the money to

not gonna give it back to us?

No, he will, Jay.

Not if he listens
to the Wharton grad

he looks to to make
these decisions.

Oh, did you go to Wharton?
Haven't heard you mention that.

Samantha, I would
love to help you out,

but I'm sorry, I must heed
Trevor's financial advice.

It's not that I
don't believe in you,

it's just... No, it's that.

In his defense, you two
aren't great at business.

I mean, you gave $10,000

to a ghost. Exactly.

PETE: So, you see, Carol,

aside from not being
able to touch things

or leave the property,
we actually lead

a pretty normal existence here.

And, yes, ghosts can have sex.

What?

She was gonna get
there eventually,

I thought I'd cut to the chase.

The ghosts date each other?

There is some of
that going on, yes.

Isaac and Nigel are engaged.

I was consorting with Trevor

and a washing machine.

And Thor was with Flower.

She get sucked off.

Well... (scoffs) good
for her, I guess.

Yes, good for Flower, but
very painful for Thor.

Jerry always used a pillow.

Anyway, what about you, Pete?

Are you dating anyone?

(stammering): Oh, uh, me?

I know this could be a
little awkward to talk about,

but it's been 40 years.

It's okay if you've moved on.

In fact, it would be
weird if you hadn't.

Yeah. Very weird.

(laughs loudly)

(whispers): This is
painful to watch. Yeah.

What do we think Carol has
in that big purse of hers?

If there's a God, cocaine.

SASAPPIS: Do people keep
pizza in their purses?

We'll find out when we
look for the cocaine.

So... you seeing
anyone currently?

You bet I am. Yeah, big-time.

Oh. What's her name?

Name? Uh, well,
you know, let me,

let me check with her first.

Uh, just of respect, you know.

I-I can't wait to
tell you about it,

'cause she is real

really...

Carol, I don't believe you
have seen the mansion yet,

and I would love
to give you a tour.

Yes, and we can learn more
about your purse in the process.

Person. I said "person."

Thank you. HETTY: So tell
us about your interests.

Greasy foods? Stimulants?

Good grits!

I'm really up a creek this time.

Will one of you pretend
to be my girlfriend?

(groans) Are we really
singing this song again?

Why is that always
your first move?

I just don't want Carol knowing
I spent the first 40 years

of my afterlife
being loyal to her,

when she wasn't even loyal
to me while we were married.

It's humiliating.

You should've just
bit the bullet

and told her the truth.

There's plenty of time

for Monday-morning
quarterbacking, Nancy.

We are where we are.

Now, will you be my
fake girlfriend or not?

No, I'm not doing it.
I've served my time.

Alberta? Please?

I-I don't think that's
a good idea, Pete.

You know, there's history.

Like when Pete try to kiss
you and you facepalm him.

I think we all knew what
she was referring to.

Just very funny to talk about.

SAMANTHA: Are we really
taking Isaac's money?

This feels wrong.

No, babe, what was wrong was

us giving an invisible person
$10,000 in the first place.

Samantha, I've been
thinking about it,

and to hell with Trevor.

It's my money and I want
to help you guys out.

Besides, we're only
borrowing Isaac's money.

Wait.

Are you stealing my money?

Nope, no. We're not stealing.

That's it, you say it out loud

and it feels true, right?

Jay, Isaac's in here.

God, I wish we could
put a bell on them.

I'm confused. You want to
see what's in my purse?

Carol, you died with your purse,

which means everything in
it is stuff we can touch.

Let's see. Receipts.
Tissues. Some candy.

My keys. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What type of candy? Nose candy?

Butterscotch. Here, try it.

Oh. What the heck?

Once you let go of an
item, it zaps back to you.

It's ghost rules.

So you can only touch it
if I'm also touching it?

That is correct.

There you guys are.

We were thinking about
going for a walk.

Oh, you should come, Carol.

Sure. I'll come.

Will your girlfriend
be joining us, Pete?

Um, my-my girlfriend?

Uh...

N-No, she's, uh, she's
not here right now.

CAROL: But I thought

we couldn't leave the
property. PETE: Right.

But, uh, you know, the thing
with my girlfriend is, um...

Uh, h-how do I put
this? ALBERTA: Pete.

It's fine.

You can tell her about us.

I-I can?

(gasps) You're dating Alberta.

I asked Pete not
to say anything.

We just wanted to make
sure you were okay

to adjust to the afterlife,

before we rubbed our
relationship in your face.

(chuckles) Ooh...

Every time she touches me,
it's like the first time.

Happy for you two.

So, if we could just
circle back to the candy.

If you were to hold it,

then we could suck
on it that way.

With her fingers in our mouth
and the candy in her fingers.

Sasappis! That's just
genius enough to work.

I think I'm gonna
go get some air.

Between your toes is
also a possibility.

We're willing to
work with you! Carol!

Carol!

Oh, my God, Alberta. I
can't thank you enough.

I'm happy to help you out.

But just remember,
this is not one of

your '80s romantic comedies
where we pretend to date

and fall in love for real.

Of course. I-I wasn't
even thinking that.

(scoffs) Yeah.

He was definitely
thinking it. (Sighs)

I mean, you did say some
nice things about me

that seemed to come
from a genuine place.

Pete. Yeah, yeah, no,
no. Just friends. Got it.

SAMANTHA: Isaac.

I'm sorry.

The restaurant means
so much to Jay.

We just didn't know
what else to do.

Samantha... JAY: The
money's gone, Sam.

Sergeant Fartypants' account
is totally cleared out.

Wh-What do you mean gone?

Also, Isaac is in
here, you should know.

And I was a captain.
It's Captain Fartypants.

Which he would know if
he had read my book.

How does $10,000 just disappear?

Relax.

I moved the money into a
brokerage account. SAMANTHA: What?

Trevor said he moved it
into a brokerage account.

You think I'm gonna sit
back and let my boy collect

two percent like a chump?

I know better than
that. I went to Wharton.

We know, Trev!

So, where is the money now?

It's safe and sound.
I'll show you guys.

I just need a minute to log in.

And some privacy.

Trevor wants us to
stand over there.

He doesn't want us
to see his password.

(exclaims) Sure.

(clears throat)

(inhales deeply)

(straining)

Done. ISAAC: Wait,
that can't be right.

Does that say $200,000?

(chuckling): I'm rich.

I could buy Delaware twice over.

I wouldn't want to, but I could.

Trevor, this is amazing!

Just a little taste of what
I was like when I was alive.

Was it natural talent,

or skill

that I developed at the
country's most elite...

Babe, it's nosediving.

Lower than zero? How can
it go lower than zero?

Well, technically, when
you short an option,

there's no limit to
how much you can lose.

Wait. W-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So now I owe them $48,000?

No, you're fine.

Jay owes them $48,000.

It's going back up.
What is this stock?

"Norwegian Cattle Futures"?

Sell! Sell! Sell!
Sam, just press

that little red button
there that says "sell."

JAY: "You have successfully

executed a trade."

$187,000!

Oh...!

Babe, this changes everything.

We could pay for the
whole restaurant now.

The good chairs,
the custom oven.

No cutting corners.
This is the dream!

ISAAC: Need I remind
you, Samantha,

that that money belongs to moi.

I'm gonna get the tufted
cushions for the booths.

I thought you said
you had reconsidered,

and you were gonna
give us the money.

What's happening?

I do recall saying that,

but then I remember walking in

and finding you committing
a robbery. Isaac!

Don't you "Isaac" me.
You will get nothing.

Your cushions will
have no tufts.

No tufts!

We're back to not
getting the money again,

aren't we? Mm-hmm.

TREVOR: He picks up
on a lot of stuff

from context.

It's impressive.

So, how did this thing start?

I want the whole story.

Oh. (Chuckles): Well,

I guess it started a few

weeks ago. Years. Ago.

What? Uh

212 weeks, which
adds up to years.

(laughs): So... it tracks.

Ooh, speaking of
time, if it's 3:30,

that means Jay's peeling
a Cutie downstairs

and I never miss that.

Excuse me.

Bye, babe.

(sighs quietly)

Alberta seems great.

I'm a lucky guy.

There he is.

My sexy

little scoutmaster.

(chuckles)

Now come on and give
mama some sugar.

(whispers): I felt
bad, so I'm here now.

You're welcome.

I'm just, I... I
am really confused.

What about Alberta?

Alberta?

Yeah, yes,

because I've been dating
Alberta for a while,

as you know, Nancy.

Right. Right.

Well, I guess now you know...

I'm Pete's mistress.

I see. (Chuckles
nervously) Y-Yes.

That's right. I've been

dating Alberta for quite
some time, but, um...

I'm also stepping out on her

with this lovely lady. Yeah.

I have to say, I am shocked.

I just never thought of
you as the cheating type.

Well, I am, apparently.
(chuckles) You know?

It's a lot to keep straight,

but the heart wants
what the heart wants.

Well, when your heart wants
what's under this sack,

you know where to find me.

Bye, babe.

(whispers): I call
her that, too.

You know, I might be able
to help you out there.

I know a thing or
two about affairs.

Oh, do you? Well,
that's news to me.

Well, I don't know from
experience, obviously.

But I watch a lot
of soap operas.

Right, you know about
cheating from your soaps.

So I can coach you.

Well, that's just about the
best thing I've ever heard.

You teaching me
about infidelity.

Don't worry.

Follow my lead, you'll
never get busted.

(breathing shakily)

SAMANTHA Isaac, we have
a preposition for you.

What if, instead of you
just giving us the money,

we made you an actual
partner in our restaurant?

I don't know, Sam. You
know, Trevor was suggesting

that I invest my funds in
something called a Lamborghini.

Apparently, it's some
sort of cat magnet,

which I find very interesting,
as a man of science.

Isaac, I-I know
you're upset with us,

but you've always
wanted to own a tavern,

and this way you get to have
your dream and Jay gets his.

And this title of partner,

would that mean I
have true input?

Yes, you would have
input. Right, Jay?

Isaac would have some input.

I mean, yeah, sure,

but I don't want you
to work too hard.

You got to rest in peace.

No, no, no. 'Tis no bother.

Now, obviously,

ambience is of the
utmost importance.

So, for lighting, I'm
thinking whale oil lamps.

Oh, h-he wants us to
use whale oil lamps.

I'm definitely sure that
that is super illegal. But

maybe we can do
something close to that.

Right? For our partner.

Yeah, I'm sure we can find
another inefficient way

to light the restaurant that
doesn't break maritime law.

Excellent. Now, on the
floors, I'm thinking sawdust.

Of course we don't want
to encourage the patrons

urinating on the floor,
but when they do,

we'll be ready.

Oh, did people pee
a lot on the floor

back in your day? Yeah.

What? What is he saying now?

He wants us to put
sawdust on the floor.

(laughs) Now, let's talk name.

How do we feel
about... Higgintoot's?

Oh, h-he's not gonna like that.

What am I not gonna like?

Or... "Isaac's
House of Horse Pie."

It does put a lot of
pressure on the horse pie,

but I believe Jay can do it.

Uh, Jay, what do you think about

calling the place Higgintoot's?

Mm. Well, I mean,

are we naming an
Indian restaurant

or a men's clothing store
on a Dr. Seuss book?

Excuse me?

We are not doing any of this.

This is insane.

Well, then I'm afraid
we have no deal.

Well, then he says we
can't have the money.

Who says that, Sam? Huh?

I don't see anyone.

Jay. No.

I'm sorry, Sam. This is crazy.

We're negotiating with a ghost.

I'm not using whale blubber.

I'm not pee-proofing the floors.

And I'm definitely not naming
my restaurant after him.

He's not even a
real person, Sam.

Oh, I see.

So now I'm not even real.

He doesn't mean that.

No, no, no, Sam. Why
would you listen to me?

I was nothing in life, and
I guess I'm a nothing now.

It's not true, Isaac.

Samantha,

why don't you just let
Jay take all of the money,

because clearly that's
all he cares about

when it comes to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

(groans)

(panting): How's that for real?

He got me.

JAY: I took a bath
in tomato sauce,

so hopefully that got
the Isaac smell out.

Good night, Jay.

What? What's wrong?

Isaac was really upset.

Yeah, I know, babe, I feel bad,

but it's my restaurant.

Yeah, we all know
it's your restaurant,

and kind of the only thing
you care about right now.

What does that
mean? It just means,

there are other
people in this house,

and they also have things
that are important to them.

Huh?

(scoffs)

♪ ♪

JAY: Three more unclogging
videos, then I dive in.

CAROL: So, yeah, a lot of people
think the hardest part about cheating

is the guilt, but
in my experience

uh, you know, watching soaps...

Right, the soaps
you love so much.

The biggest issue is logistics.

So you need a good cover.

Something innocuous

that you can tell
Alberta you're doing

when what you're
really doing is Nancy,

if you know what I mean.

(chuckles): Oh, I do. I do.

Hey there, Pete.

I was thinking later

you and I could take a
nice romantic stroll.

The-the thing is...

Pete and I have plans.

He's gonna be showing
me the ghost boundary.

Oh, okay. No problem.

I'll catch you later, hot stuff.

(whispers): You're welcome.

No. I'm not welcome.

I don't want your
help cheating, Carol.

What?

I know where you're
getting all your advice

and it's not your soaps.

It's from your
affair with Jerry.

Pete, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Save it. I know.

I've known about you and Jerry

since I heard you talking about
it with Sam two years ago.

Well, as you
yourself should know,

these things happen.

I should probably excuse myself,

but this is getting
pretty juicy.

No, I don't know, Carol,

'cause I'm not a
cheater like you.

Well, what about Alberta and
that little potato sack girl?

They were pretending so that
I wouldn't look like a loser.

The truth is, I don't
have a girlfriend.

I haven't had a
girlfriend since I died

'cause I was staying
loyal to my wife!

So, if that makes me pathetic,

then fine, Carol, you win.

I'm pathetic.

But you

you suck.

Not sure if this is
the best time, Carol,

but we think we've
lit upon a solution

to this candy business that
might satisfy all parties.

What we're thinking
is, you hold your hand

with the candy through a wall,

and then we lick
it from the privacy

of a different room.
No eye contact.

No problem.

(Carol scoffs)

I think it may have
been a bad time.

Yeah.

(insects chirping)

JAY: Okay, uh...

I'm sure you're all
wondering why I asked Sam

to gather you here. Well,

allow me to explain.

We're here today to talk about

my partner in this endeavor,

Isaac Higgintoot.

(chuckles): Oh.

Born 1742,

to Harold and Mary Higginbottom,

who later changed their name

due to some
outstanding bank debts.

Aw, he read the book.

They chose Higgintoot?

Mm-hmm. JAY: Isaac excelled

as an officer and attorney,

a barber and a
squirrel taxidermist.

There weren't a lot
of people back then,

so you had to wear
a lot of hats.

And yet, he was never
fully appreciated

in his time.

So here,

at our restaurant, in the center

will sit Isaac's table.

And it'll always be open
for Isaac and his friends,

because even though
you're not alive,

you're real to us.

ALL: Aw!

What a touching gesture

and characteristically
stupid business decision.

THORFINN: They
dumber than Danes,

but I do love them.

Anyways, um,

I can see now

that what I said was
really insensitive,

and I'm sorry, Isaac.

Thank you, Jay. And I'm honored.

Although, I will be laughing
when you're cleaning up

(laughing): All that urine

the sawdust could've soaked up.

Isaac is very appreciative, Jay.

So am I.

Well, before I
say anything else,

is that book, like, "done done"?

'Cause I did have some
structure thoughts.

Don't ruin this. I loved it.

I loved the structure.

(laughs)

Hey. Sorry about making
a big scene in there.

I-I didn't mean to
blow up like that.

Oh, don't apologize to me.

I was proud of you.

I did want to thank
you for helping me out.

Obviously it didn't work,
but I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

And for what it's worth,
you're not pathetic.

Carol cheated. She's pathetic.

You stayed loyal to your
wife, even in death,

and there's no shame in that.

Thanks, pal.

Sheesh, this darn
arrow gets so itchy.

People forget there's
fiberglass in the shaft.

("If You Were Here" by
Thompson Twins plays)

♪ ♪

♪ If you were here ♪

♪ I could deceive you. ♪

(grunts)

Well,

thanks again for
your... (gurgles) help.

(chuckles) See you
around, basset hound.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org