All language subtitles for two.and.a.half.men.s03e01.hdtv.xvid-tcm.vo

I'm sure she's
a lovely girl, Mom,

but I have a strict policy
against blind dates.

Yes, I know I'm not God's gift
to women, but, nevertheless...

Oh, come on. How do you know what
she can suck through a garden hose?

Doesn't matter.
The policy stands.

Okay, bye.

You know, while I applaud
your blind date policy,

I would encourage you to
consider a garden hose exemption.

I'm sorry, but you remember
the last time I let Mom fix me up.

Oh, yeah.
The enema freak.

She was a colonic
irrigation therapist.

Tomato, tomahto...

You still wound up with five gallons
of coffee up your keister.

Not a pleasant memory.

I can't remember it
without chuckling.

These days, they'll open
a Starbucks anywhere.

Are you done?

No, wait.
One more.

You had the venti nonfat
"crappuccino"...

...with extra foam.

Okay, I'm done.

So what's wrong with the TV?

I don't know.

I think that storm last night
messed up the satellite dish.

I'll call the guy
on Monday.

That's your answer
for everything.

"Call the guy."

Not for everything.

Often I, call the girl.

Of course, there was the one time that
the girl turned out to be the guy.

Needless to say,
I got a full cash refund.

Well, you don't have
to call the guy this time.

You just have to adjust the dish
till the signal clears up.

Which is what the guy
will do on Monday.

But Jake is coming tonight.

Do you really want to listen to him
complain about the TV all weekend?

I can deal with Jake.

It's your whining that
makes me want to hang myself.

Come on.
Help me get the ladder.

I'll go up on the roof,
and we'll fix it in five minutes.

I have a ladder?

How did I get a ladder?

For the life of me, I can't
remember buying a ladder.

Well, apparently,
you did.

But why?
And how did I get it home?

I really couldn't tell you.

Did I rent a truck?

Who knows?

I'm telling you, we got
a real mystery on our hands.

Yeah.
It's a puzzler.

I'm going to go up
and adjust the dish,

and you go look at the TV

and tell me when
the picture improves.

All right.

I still think
we should call the guy.

Forget the guy!

I'm the guy!

Charlie!

Yeah?!

There's a pair
of panties up here.

Of course.
The ladder.

Alan, mystery solved!

What?

Never mind.
Focus on the job at hand.

Are you
watching the TV?

Yes.

How's it look now?

It's a little better.

How about now?

No. That's worse.

Move it the other way.

What?

I said, move it the other way!

There, there, there!
That's perfect!

What?!

I said,
that's perfect!

Great! I'm coming down!

Did you say something?

3x01 - Weekend in Bangkok
with Two Olympic Gymnasts

I told you.
We should have called the guy.

You want to flip me the bird,
but the poor little fella can't fly.

Just help me lie down.

There is a bright side here,
you know.

Oh, really? Really?
And what might the bright side be?

Handicapped parking?

Pity sex?

Oh, I can see there's going to be
no talking to you about this.

Do me a favor, and call Judith
and tell her not to bring Jake over.

How come?

Look at me, Charlie.

I have abrasions, contusions,
a severely sprained neck,

two fractured fingers,
and I'm hopped up on pain pills.

Does that spell "Weekend Dad"
to you?

Well, actually, to me, it spells :

"Weekend in Bangkok with
two Olympic gymnasts."

But that's a whole other story.

Look, I got no plans for the weekend.
I could take care of Jake.

Bangkok?

It was the '80s.

A simpler time.

The dollar was strong.

I was kind of looking forward to
hanging out with the little knucklehead.

Let him come over.

But I'm not going
to be able to help you.

What are you going
to do all weekend?

I don't know.
Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.

We could play
chutes and ladders.

See, that's why I want Jake here.
He has a sense of humor.

All right. If...
if you think you can handle it.

Don't worry.
I got everything covered.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Is there anything
I can do for you now?

Well,

I got to pee.

Yeah. So?

So I can't undo my pants or...

anything.

Where are we headed with this, Alan?

You said you'd help me.

I was thinking more like
I could make you a sandwich.

Charlie...

I am not reaching
into your pants.

What am I supposed to do?

Go stand in the surf.

Oh, come on.
Grow up.

Where are you going?

To the bathroom.
Now, come on and unzip me.

Just like that? Right to it?
No dinner? No movie?

Charlie!

Hold on!

Coming!

Holy God!

Charlie?

Can you get the door?

Charlie?

Hang on!

Charlie!

Oh, great.

I think I just punctured a lung.

Don't worry Alan,
I've got everything covered.

I'm coming!

You need to start
your report this weekend!

Why? It's not due till next Wednesday!
I have plenty of time.

That's what you said last time.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

I think you're getting senile.

Watch your mouth, young man.

I can't watch it.
It's under my nose.

Hello.

What happened to you?

Well, most recently,

I was hit in the head by a door.

But, before that,

I was fixing the satellite dish
on the roof and I kind of...

fell.

Why didn't you just call the guy?

Well, for God's sake, Alan, how do you
intend to look after him this weekend?

I am in excruciating pain,

but I appreciate your concern.

Well, you could have picked up
a phone and given me a heads-up.

Pick up the phone?

Judith, needed barbecue tongs
to take a leak.

Can you look after Jake or not?

Well, Charlie said
he'd look after him.

Oh, like hell he will.

There is no way I'm going to

let your degenerate brother
be responsible for my son.

Oh, sure.
Don't ask me what I want.

Just boss me around like
you're my boss or something.

Charlie will be fine.
Have a good weekend.

Thanks.

You, too.

Can we go out to dinner tonight?

Do I look like I'm in any kind
of shape to go to dinner?

I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.

The The answer is no.

Okay.

Then can we go to the video store
and rent the new "Final Fantasy"?

Jake, I hurt myself.
I'm in a lot of pain.

So? When I took a
soccer ball to the nads,

I was in a lot of pain and
all my coach said was, "Walk it off."

Well, you can't
just walk this off.

Not with that attitude.

Hey, there he is.

How's it going, buddy?

My life stinks.

Cheer up.
You're still a kid.

It's going to get much worse.

Where have you been?

Taking a nap.

Why?

I find it refreshes me.

You said you were going
to take care of everything.

Yeah. So?

So, while you were sleeping,
I had to answer the door.

Do you realize how petty
you sound right now?

Relax. Lie down.
I got it covered.

No, you don't.

Nothing is covered.
It's all coverless.

Now, there's a life that stinks.

So, what's on the agenda?
What do you want to do?

I want to go out to dinner.

Yeah? Well,
I want my own talk show.

You'll eat what we've got.

Why can't we go out?

Alan, I can't deal with this.
Talk to your son.

That's it?
You... you're done covering?

I didn't know
he was going be impossible.

Hey, don't talk about me
like I'm not here.

Keep yappin',
and you won't be.

Charlie, just take him
to dinner.

Why should I?

'Cause he's not going to shut up
till he gets what he wants.

That's true.
I'll drive you crazy.

Yeah? Well, do your worst.

If we go out to dinner,
there's nothing to clean up.

We're not going out to dinner.

You usually want to go out to dinner.

Not tonight.

You're not punishing me.
You're just punishing yourself.

Back off, bobblehead.

Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.

We're not going.

Why not?

This conversation's over.

Not if I keep talking.

So where do you want to eat?

Clucky's.

What's Clucky's?

Zesty fire-roasted chicken with Grandma
Clucky's secret herbs and spices.

All right.
Where is it?

There are several
convenient locations.

Like where?

I don't know.
I just sit in the car.

Well, I've never seen
a Clucky's around here.

- How about a pizza?
- No.

- Burgers?
- No.

Sushi?

- Italian?
- No.

- Chinese.
- No.

- Clucky's?
- No.

You're not even
listening!

I mean, yes.

Clucky's.

Well, forget it.

I'm not driving all over this city
hoping to stumble across a Clucky's.

This isn't the Clucky's
my mom takes me to.

No kidding.

Where are we anyway?

It's called Watts.

Now hurry up and
finish your chicken.

I like the Cajun Clucky's better.

Good for you.

Can I go back and get
some Cajun Clucky's?

No, eat what you got.

But I like
the Cajun Clucky's better.

Then why did you order
the regular Clucky?

Because I forgot
I like the Cajun Clucky's.

Oh, just eat the freakin' chicken.

Fine.

Why do you say "freakin'"?

I know what you mean.
I'm not a little kid anymore.

Eat. Don't talk, eat!

What's up?

Gotta pee.

Charlie,

get the tongs.

Charlie?!

Oh, boy.

** Gotta pee, gotta pee *
** Gotta pee, pee, pee... *

Alan?

I've got somebody
who wants to meet you.

Not a good time, Mom.

Yes, I can see that.

Are you all right?

No, not really.

Oh, my poor baby.

Well, anyway, Mona, Alan.

Alan, Mona.

Hi, Mona.

Hello.

What happened to you?

I was fixing the satellite dish
and I fell off the roof.

Why didn't you
just call the guy?

Want to know why
I didn't call the guy?

I'll tell you why
I didn't call the guy.

Because you don't need
to call the guy!

It's a simple adjustment
that any idiot can do!

And, yes, I know,
this idiot fell off the roof

but it was after I
fixed it all by myself,

no guy!

Okay, the ice
has been broken.

I'll just give you
Mona's number

and you can call her sometime
when it's more convenient.

Come along, dear.

Do you just stay awake nights, trying to
think of new ways to embarrass me?

Still gotta pee.

Oh, God!

Oh, what the hell.

Oh, yeah.

The Cajun Clucky's
is way better.

I'll notify Zagat's.

Hey, before stop at the video store,
can we get some ice cream?

Who said we're stopping
at the video store?

I wanna rent the new
"Final Fantasy."

Yeah, well, I want my $80,000 Mercedes
not to smell like chicken.

But life is full of
little disappointments.

Okay, forget the ice cream.

We'll just stop
at the video store.

Jake, I'm tired,
I've got a headache,

I just paid a hundred dollars to get
my car back from the "chicken valet,"

and I want to go home.

Please.

I'm sorry, what part of "no"
did you not understand?

The "nnn" or the "oh"?

How about if we just stop
in front of the store,

I'll run in and get the video game
and you just wait in the car?

How about we stop by
the video store and

I just stuff you through
the return slot?

I wouldn't fit.

Try me.

Oh, come on,
it'll only take a minute.

Look, Jake,

you might be able to bully your
parents into doing whatever you want,

but when I say "no,"
that's it.

Okay. Then I guess I won't have
a video game to play this weekend.

Exactly. You'll find
something else to do.

Right. It'll just be
you and me.

They're all out
of "Final Fantasy."

So get something else.

But I want "Final Fantasy."

Are you telling me that
out of this entire store,

thousands of movies
and video games,

there's nothing here
that interests you?

You're not gonna
like the answer.

I'm having chest pains.

You're giving me chest pains.

I bet they have "Final Fantasy"
at another store.

You want a final fantasy?

Close your eyes and imagine yourself
flying across a freakin' video store,

'cause that's what's
about to happen.

Again with the "freakin'."

Excuse me, but did I hear you say
you were looking for "Final Fantasy"?

I was about to return one.

You can have it.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

He's really something,
isn't he?

Oh, yeah, he's something.

Question is "What?"

I have a boy his age.

Single mom.

Single uncle.

- Betsy.
- Charlie.

- Jake.
- Nobody asked you.

So, uh, Betsy,

maybe we can get the boys together
for a little play date sometime.

I don't want a play date
with some stupid kid

just so you can
have sex with her.

Isn't he something?

Yeah.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Bye-bye.

What?

Are you happy?

Pretty much.
You?

Hello.

"Controlled substance.

Do not exceed one pill
every six hours."

Yeah, right.

Oh, what fresh
child-proof hell is this?

Come on, you bastard.

Yes!

What are we doing?

I'm taking you
back to your mother.

Why?

Why?
I'll tell you why.

Because you're no fun anymore.

Because the whole
"isn't he cute" thing is over.

And I'll tell you something else:

if this is is a prelude to what
you're gonna be like as a teenager,

then we've got
a serious problem.

Whatever.

You see?
You see, right there!

That attitude does not fly with me.

Whatever.

God, I hope that's the chicken.

She's not home.
Ha-ha.

Do not "ha-ha" me.
Never "ha-ha" me.

Judith!
Come get your kid!

Don't hide behind the couch!

I can see you, Judith!

How about some ice cream?

Sure.

Listen, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

I'm sorry you slipped
in dog crap chasing me.

Thank you.

Now, you know
that I love you,

but we've gotta be clear
on a couple of things.

I get that you're growing up,

that your body's changing,

that your emotions are in flux.
But,

the important thing
you need to keep in mind is that

I don't care.

When you're in my house,
when you're out with me

and especially
when we're around women,

you will be adorable.
Got it?

Shh, I'm trying to concentrate.

Don't shush me.
Never shush me.

Whatever.

Please be the chicken.

Pour me one of those, will ya?

You know, mixing those pills
with alcohol is a really bad idea.

Not if you're trying to die.

Hey, how many of those pills
you got left?

Transcript : cfsmp3

Sync : nColas

corrections : Bouliii

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