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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:06,632 Why is the office so mellow today? 2 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:09,718 Huh. Add kombucha on tap, and we might be at Google. 3 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,285 Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes 4 00:00:11,401 --> 00:00:13,445 is at a global leadership conference in the Netherlands. 5 00:00:13,562 --> 00:00:16,177 Ooh! I'm picturing Skarsgards everywhere, 6 00:00:16,276 --> 00:00:17,575 - and I want to be there. - Yum. 7 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:19,144 Uh, that's Sweden, but, you know, same. 8 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:22,272 My dear, never slurp. 9 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:24,066 It gives men the wrong idea. 10 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,859 Oh, Nell, did you get that obituary assignment, 11 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,653 - Mary Sue Manners? - Sure did. 12 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,488 The public access lady 13 00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:30,989 that had the etiquette show for like 40 years? 14 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:33,116 "Manners Matter with Mary Sue Manners." 15 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,826 Poor old broad choked to death on crudit�. 16 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,161 Have fun writing that one. 17 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:39,248 - "Old broad"? - Everyone, stop relaxing! 18 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,333 I just hung up with my father's hologram. 19 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,543 And effective immediately, we will be merging 20 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,380 the two floors of the newsroom into one. 21 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,757 So pop a breath mint and get ready to say hello 22 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,551 to your new office-mates. 23 00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,096 As you know, my father is attending a conference 24 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,099 about the Dutch productivity philosophy uitmuntendheid. 25 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,768 It's a three-pronged approach... a livable wage, 26 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,355 solid benefits, and an intimate office. 27 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,023 Father was offended by the first two, 28 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,858 but I thought the third one sounded kind of fun. 29 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,694 So scooch over, everybody! 30 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:10,570 Mason has the new seating assignments, 31 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:14,230 and you can slip your thank-you notes under my office door. 32 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,284 Enjoy! 33 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,453 2x04 - Not Polite Yet 34 00:01:20,673 --> 00:01:22,384 Subs by kinglouisxx for www.MY-SUBS.com 35 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,794 It's weird but kind of exciting, right? 36 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,547 Like meeting your roommate on the first day of college. 37 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,092 Oh, my roommate in college ate my blanket. She ate it. 38 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,636 - So it can't be worse than that. Yeah. - Yeah. 39 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:38,724 Nell, you'll be sharing your disgusting cubicle with... 40 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,310 TJ Silva. You might wanna clean up the ants 41 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,978 and stick a Febreeze somewhere. 42 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,689 TJ Silva, the sports writer? 43 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,942 He started here right before you left for England. 44 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,695 He's literally the nicest guy in the office. 45 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,697 Maybe I will freshen up my space. 46 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,324 Ah, that's a wonderful idea. 47 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,700 You know, a hostess should always provide 48 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,869 a pleasant environment for her guests. 49 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:02,372 Do you have any soaps shaped like shellfish 50 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,541 or fun aquatic creatures? 51 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:08,378 Hey! Hey, B-dawg! Haven't seen you in a minute. 52 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,797 Derrick, still can't believe you got today's Wordle in two. 53 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,924 - Who does that? - If you got it, you got it. 54 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,469 Cheryl, how is your cat doing with the Prozac? 55 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:16,803 I stopped using Band-Aids. 56 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,014 Well, give Peaches a little belly rub for me. 57 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,891 Aww, he's got nicknames for everyone, 58 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,142 and he cares about animal mental health. 59 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,102 And he doesn't eat blankets. 60 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:25,979 - That I know of. Good luck! - Mm-hmm. 61 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,565 Later, TJ. 62 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,359 - Hi, I'm Nell. - Mm-hmm. 63 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,152 Welcome to our cubicle. 64 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,029 I mean, they're all the same, but... 65 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,322 ...this one's the best. 66 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,324 - Cool. - Feel free to use, you know, 67 00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,077 anything of mine... pens, post-its, my thesaurus. 68 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,161 I'm very solicitous. 69 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,038 Hey, String Cheese! What's up? 70 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,790 It's my favorite snack! 71 00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:46,166 Yeah, it is. 72 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:49,127 Ooh. I see what you have on your hands. 73 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,755 I call this the difficult guest. 74 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,509 I addressed that in an episode entitled "The Difficult Guest." 75 00:02:55,587 --> 00:02:56,587 What did you do? 76 00:02:56,657 --> 00:02:58,762 I found the flower that grew in his childhood garden, 77 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,722 and I presented it on his table setting 78 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,974 when he sat down to dinner. 79 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,394 There's a plant in the bathroom. 80 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,187 - Hey, TJ. - Oh. 81 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,689 So, since we're working alongside each other, 82 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,983 I wanted to get you a cubicle-warming gift. 83 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,402 Hope you enjoy it. 84 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,570 - Cool. Thanks. - Mm-hmm. 85 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,975 I love it. 86 00:03:21,053 --> 00:03:24,621 Hmm. I don't think you're gonna get a nickname. 87 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,127 Why are there a bunch of children in my office? 88 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,420 - Hello? - Hello. 89 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,462 Hello... Oh, what? 90 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,922 This is our social media team. 91 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,966 They turn our news stories into 30-second TikToks. 92 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,009 Well, tick tock, I need my office back. 93 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,594 Bad news. It's their office now. 94 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,471 Good news. You're getting another one... 95 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,181 that you have to share with another person. 96 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,225 That sounds like two bad newses. 97 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,476 Who am I stuck with? 98 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,812 - Yay! This is gonna be so fun. - Eee! Totally! 99 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,201 It's gonna be like a slumber party that you wear 100 00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:51,607 - your work clothes to. - You're right. It's gonna be fun. 101 00:03:51,716 --> 00:03:53,013 Luckily, we both like to keep the window... 102 00:03:53,083 --> 00:03:54,426 - ...closed. - Open. 103 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,195 I mean closed! Yay! 104 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,197 Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, Cheryl. 105 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:00,866 Some people just have to sit on the floor. 106 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,159 Them's the breaks. 107 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,703 Okay. 108 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,413 How's it going, Mason? 109 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:07,998 Everything working out with the new arrangement? 110 00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,584 Oh, aces, boss. Everybody's really loving it. 111 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,794 Excellent. I'm off to lunch with a gentleman friend. 112 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,629 I'll be back in half an hour. 113 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,841 45 minutes if I'm lucky. 114 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,301 Hey, I had an extra string cheese, 115 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,179 and I thought, why not give it to my man TJ? 116 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,806 Dude. 117 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,267 Bring it in. 118 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,561 That is so thoughtful. I was having a blood sugar dip, 119 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:30,770 and along comes a hero. 120 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,900 - All right. - Yeah. 121 00:04:33,010 --> 00:04:35,150 Oh, uh... Hey, everybody! 122 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,694 Ol' Nellybelly's getting coffee. Who wants one? My treat. 123 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,280 Ooh, I'd love a coffee. I'll get a list going. 124 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,997 - Who wants a coffee?! - Oh, I'll take one. 125 00:04:42,106 --> 00:04:43,158 Hey, TJ, I'm not sure if you heard, 126 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,576 but I'm getting coffee for my peeps. 127 00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:46,518 - No, thanks. I'm good. - Can... Oh, I... No? None? 128 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:47,954 I didn't have breakfast. Do you mind 129 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,957 - if I get a couple of muffins? - Yeah, I do mind, Tina! 130 00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,667 # When an edit comes along # 131 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,003 # You must click it # 132 00:04:55,143 --> 00:04:57,967 # Another edit comes along, you must click it # 133 00:04:58,060 --> 00:04:59,000 Dennis! 134 00:04:59,085 --> 00:05:00,300 Aah! Oh, my God. 135 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,676 I forgot you were here. 136 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,720 Can you not click your pen? 137 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,722 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 138 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,331 - Yes, I will stop that. - Okay. 139 00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:12,278 # Stop it good, dun-dun-dun-dun-doo # 140 00:05:12,401 --> 00:05:15,398 Oh, hey, your calendar is flipped to June 2021. 141 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,608 Let me fix that for you. 142 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,151 Leave it! 143 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:21,112 I mean... 144 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,240 please, uh, leave it. 145 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,785 I'm... I'm a big fan of the picture for June. 146 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,870 Yeah, but it's the... it's the wrong month. 147 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,747 - Mm-hmm. - And the wrong year. 148 00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,082 And if I have to look at that every single day, 149 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,293 it's going to drive me bananas, so... 150 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,383 But, you know, if a calendar page 151 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,969 - is that important to you, uh... - Great. Thank you. 152 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,930 Well, TJ hates me. 153 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,057 - What? Why? - I don't know! 154 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:52,602 I've tried everything... gifts, hid my desk junk, 155 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,354 bought everybody in the office coffee. 156 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,107 Oh, thank you for my iced caramel hazelnut mocha. 157 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,316 - Oh, that was you? - Mm-hmm. 158 00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,859 You owe me 9 bucks. 159 00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:02,070 Nell, maybe TJ's just having a bad day, you know? 160 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:07,242 TJ, you are so funny! 161 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,079 Okay. Well, sometimes when someone acts weird, 162 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,290 it's about something that's completely out of your control, 163 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:14,916 like maybe you just, like, remind him 164 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,167 of an ex-girlfriend or something. 165 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,461 Or, Nell, maybe your name reminds him 166 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,463 of that Jodie Foster movie where she can't talk 167 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,382 - because of the woods. - You think so? 168 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:25,510 Whatever's going on with TJ, it's best to just let it go. 169 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,596 He's right. You guys have to work right next to each other, 170 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,916 so just don't make it weird. 171 00:06:29,017 --> 00:06:31,683 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right. 172 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,853 I'm-a go make things weird. 173 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,063 Hey, TJ, can we... 174 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,066 Stupid plant. 175 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,028 Hey. Hey. Hi. 176 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,238 I feel like we need to talk about the tension 177 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,574 that's happening between us. 178 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:50,285 Oh, wow. I didn't think you were going to bring it up. 179 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,162 For sure. Let's discuss the elephant in the room. 180 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:55,915 Yes. And exactly what is our elephant? 181 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,919 Oh, my God. Are you serious? 182 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,880 November 2, 2016, ring a bell? 183 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,465 Who remembers something from that long ago? 184 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,008 It was the night you pretty much destroyed 185 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,386 what could have been the greatest moment of my life. 186 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:09,554 Yeah, still nothing. 187 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,098 Of course you don't remember. Why would you? 188 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,309 A person who's capable of doing what you did 189 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,019 wouldn't bother to remember. 190 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,273 Uh, how am I supposed to remember 191 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,941 what happened seven years ago? 192 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,152 Oh, just check your social diary. 193 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,695 I don't have a social diary. 194 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:26,988 Then how do you keep track 195 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,448 of the people with whom you've had brunch? 196 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:32,619 Damn, what the hell did I do in 2016? 197 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,413 I don't know. Turn 40? 198 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,415 I will punch you in the neck. 199 00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:44,297 I'll show you a social diary. 200 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,425 Hello, old friends. 201 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,596 What are you doing here? You're never home this early. 202 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,890 Well, I needed to... Ew. 203 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,059 Since when did you become an afternoon-robe guy? 204 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,644 I like the way the fabric feels on my arm hairs. 205 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:58,895 I don't know why I asked. 206 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,355 Lexi's doing this stupid thing at work 207 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,815 where she's forcing us to have cubicle-mates, 208 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,692 and mine hates me for something I don't remember doing, 209 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,485 so I'm going through the photos of all my old cell phones 210 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,278 to figure out what the hell happened 211 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,197 that pissed him off so much, 'cause I don't want to sit next 212 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:13,034 to someone who actively hates me for the next forever-many years. 213 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,161 You keep all your old cell phones? 214 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,871 Yeah, that was the headline of this rant. 215 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,581 Thank you for your active listening. 216 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,291 I don't understand. Have you never heard of the Cloud? 217 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,127 No... I do not trust the Cloud. 218 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,882 Someone in your room, Robe Guy? 219 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:31,094 Oh, my God. Is your sex friend in there? 220 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,264 No, I-I just ate some dairy. That's what that sound was. 221 00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,643 Unh-unh. Mnh-mnh! No, no! 222 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,604 No. Ew. Gross. Bye. 223 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,898 You're gross. 224 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,442 Did I just hear Nell speaking ill 225 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:47,110 about the conditions of her new work environment? 226 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,778 Yeah, she hates it. 227 00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,071 I checked in with an underling, 228 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,031 and he said everyone was "aces." 229 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,783 Maybe that's because you're his boss, 230 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,410 and he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear. 231 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,245 Employees do that? 232 00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,623 Yeah. Sometimes lovers do it, too. 233 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,241 For instance, I may have led you to believe 234 00:09:02,302 --> 00:09:03,386 - I like when you grab my... - But if people are complaining, 235 00:09:03,436 --> 00:09:05,044 then they won't be productive. 236 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,088 And that flies in the face of uitmuntendheid. 237 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,301 - You're leaving already? - Yeah. 238 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:12,886 We didn't get a chance to... 239 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,722 - # Oontz, oontz, oontz # - Oh, well, don't tempt me. 240 00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,683 # Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz # 241 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,269 No, I must go. 242 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:25,690 Let's see. 2016, 2016. 243 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,442 Ooh, I did not have my selfie game down yet. 244 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,528 These angles are all really nostril-heavy. 245 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,947 Oh, I found it. November 2, 2016. 246 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,033 Hey, and I was with you guys. 247 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,075 - Aww. - Aww. 248 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,453 - Yeah. - Look how on fleek I was. 249 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,992 I had bangs, and Sam didn't. 250 00:09:41,094 --> 00:09:42,165 - Sam's are better. - Sam's are better. 251 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,375 But what happened that night? 252 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,378 Okay, tell me. When I'm married and have kids, 253 00:09:47,518 --> 00:09:49,520 I can still do four shots of Jager on a Wednesday, right? 254 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,632 - Yeah, 100%. - Of course. Yeah. 255 00:09:50,765 --> 00:09:51,899 - Nothing's gonna change. - Oh, I'm in that, like, 256 00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:55,144 sweet spot of drunk, you know? I'm feeling, like, flirty. 257 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,180 I'm feeling a little girly, you know? 258 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,390 I think I'm gonna get somebody's number tonight. 259 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:00,378 Yeah! 260 00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:03,091 I think it's time to "shpin" that phone. 261 00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:04,687 - Oh. - Let's spin that phone. 262 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:05,764 - She gonna spin that phone? - Spin that phone? 263 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:06,981 - Let's spin that phone. - Spin that phone. 264 00:10:07,098 --> 00:10:09,073 - She gonna spin that phone. - Go spin that phone. 265 00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:10,944 Gonna spin that phone. 266 00:10:13,619 --> 00:10:15,667 She gonna spin that phone again. 267 00:10:15,722 --> 00:10:17,492 She wanna spin that phone again. 268 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,372 Yeah. 269 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,040 I think I found my man. 270 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,251 Oh, my God. 271 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:28,962 That's why TJ's been mad at me all these years. 272 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,547 I got his number, and I never called him back. 273 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,006 I broke his heart. 274 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,259 I'm such a hot monster. 275 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,303 Oh, and then years later, having all of this 276 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:41,140 just shoved up in his poor little face? 277 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,768 I'm gonna go apologize. 278 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,689 Okay. All right. 279 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,566 I just have to say it. 280 00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:53,319 The reason why I hate your calendar 281 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:57,490 is because June is the month of my wedding anniversary. 282 00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,326 And that is the last thing you want to be reminded of 283 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,953 when you are separated. 284 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,955 Oh, my God. Sam, I'm so sorry. 285 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,625 It's okay. I forgive you. Come here. 286 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,002 Wait a minute. 287 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,503 What? 288 00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:12,964 I wore a wool knit Mr. Turk to your wedding, 289 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,758 which I would never wear during the summer. 290 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,802 You didn't get married in June. 291 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,122 Okay, fine! Fine. 292 00:11:19,239 --> 00:11:21,222 I just find the calendar annoying. 293 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,141 Oh. Well, it is not half as annoying 294 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,934 as every time you send an e-mail, 295 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,478 you feel compelled to say, "Whoosh! Bye-bye." 296 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:28,938 That is adorable. 297 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,107 It is so not. And maybe I could handle it 298 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,817 if it weren't for the hard-boiled eggs 299 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,028 that you shove down your gullet like a pelican. 300 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:38,865 News flash, Sam... Nobody likes food that smells like farts. 301 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,199 Okay. Okay. 302 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,659 - What are you doing? No. - Yeah. 303 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,995 Ugh. Bleh. 304 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,538 Now it's gonna smell like that all day. 305 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:46,998 Oh, I know. 306 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:52,837 Okay. I remember our elephant. 307 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,507 I asked for your number, and I never called you. 308 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,801 I'm... I'm really sorry. 309 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,720 What are you talking about? 310 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,847 You're right. Yeah, we don't have to talk about it. 311 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,058 Yeah. It was a baseball game. 312 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,435 There was a baseball game? 313 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,646 It was Game 7 of the World Series. 314 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,022 The Cubs were on the verge of winning 315 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,951 for the first time in 108 years. 316 00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:17,334 Everyone in the bar was watching the game, except for you. 317 00:12:17,428 --> 00:12:20,198 Oh, my God. You guys, I forgot that the CMAs are on. 318 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,010 Beyonc� is about to perform with the Dixie Chicks. 319 00:12:22,082 --> 00:12:23,119 What? 320 00:12:23,229 --> 00:12:24,369 But we're never going to make it home on time 321 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,412 because we have such bad Uber ratings. 322 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:27,705 Don't let me pick the music 323 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,123 if you don't want to hear my falsetto. 324 00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,458 - Hands off. - Okay. Don't worry. 325 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,168 Listen, there's a TV right there. 326 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,129 - Bey is on the way! - Ooh! 327 00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,131 Bottom of the 10th. Two outs. 328 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:38,508 Cleveland at bat. 329 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,302 Martinez swings... 330 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,388 - Set it and forget it. - And forget it. 331 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,223 - That's if you followed... - What? No! 332 00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:46,552 - all the instructional material. - What? What just happened? 333 00:12:46,653 --> 00:12:49,227 I-I'm looking for Beyonc�. It's only one TV. 334 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,396 Oh. 335 00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:53,022 Okay, so it's all of them. 336 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,900 Who's got the remote?! Whoa. 337 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,819 I just pressed the wrong button, all right? 338 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,779 I don't work at Radio Shack! 339 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,281 And it's over! 340 00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,742 The Cubs have just made history! 341 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,663 They're going wild in Chicago. 342 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,249 What a time to be alive. 343 00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,251 I pity the loser who missed it. 344 00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:15,678 Okay, he did not say that. 345 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,368 Well, that's how I remember it. 346 00:13:17,454 --> 00:13:20,383 Mm, you were inebriated? 347 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,093 In a tavern? 348 00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:25,680 You ruined the biggest moment in Cubs history. 349 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,683 I may have to sit next to you, but I don't have to like you. 350 00:13:32,929 --> 00:13:35,515 Well, I'm sorry, but your social faux pas 351 00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,692 will be very difficult to recover from. 352 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,154 Ah, you'll be ostracized from society for years, 353 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,740 unless... Could you marry a Kennedy? 354 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,951 Uh... I'm fine. I can work from here. 355 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,370 The world is my office now. 356 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,372 Ohh. 357 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,623 Ugh. 358 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:56,002 All right, well, hopefully that gum 359 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,212 belonged to someone with excellent oral hygiene. 360 00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,505 - Hey! - Hey. 361 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,257 What are you, uh... Whatcha doing out here? 362 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,759 I don't think I can work next to TJ. 363 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,926 He's a huge Cubs fan, 364 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,220 and it turns out seven years ago, 365 00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:08,097 I changed the channel in a World Series game... 366 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,223 Oh, the chickens came on! 367 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,602 Wait, that's what he's mad about? 368 00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,104 - That was hilarious. - Well, he doesn't think so. 369 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,689 Yeah, he thinks I'm kind of awful. 370 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:20,359 Well, he's wrong. Remember we got kicked out of the bar, 371 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,279 and then we tried to sneak back in wearing hats? 372 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,655 Ugh, we almost made it. 373 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,599 - But somehow they found us out. - Aah! Aah! 374 00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:28,858 - They threw stuff at us. - Aah! Oh! Aah! 375 00:14:28,959 --> 00:14:30,244 Chicken wings! 376 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,372 You were so funny that night. 377 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,917 And Dennis saved me. 378 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,335 Do you remember I was wearing 379 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,213 that one off-the-rack Chanel blouse that I loved? 380 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,132 And he dove in between me and an incoming hot wing. 381 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,261 He sacrificed his favorite "On Fleek" shirt. 382 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:51,265 He took a wing for me. Mm, Dennis. 383 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,267 - I gotta go. - Okay. 384 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,732 I know, I know. I'm sure you're appalled at my behavior. 385 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:02,735 Well, you are loud and messy and rude and disgusting. 386 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,195 Well, that... That is me. 387 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,115 But you're also a lot of fun. 388 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,992 You know, Nell, 389 00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:13,204 when that crudit� got stuck in my throat, 390 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,664 I didn't want to draw attention, 391 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,458 so I excused myself and went outside. 392 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,502 But there was no one there to help me. 393 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,297 I choked to death on my own politeness. 394 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:26,342 Oh, don't be like me, Nell. 395 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,844 You be yourself. 396 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,096 You make as much noise as you want to. 397 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,515 And if that fella upstairs doesn't like it, 398 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,268 well, that's his [bleep] problem. 399 00:15:36,452 --> 00:15:39,480 My. Mary Sue, you are bad. 400 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,399 Just... 401 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:50,992 I have to show you something. 402 00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:00,710 I've tried to make you like me, but this is who I am. 403 00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,628 I'm messy, and I don't buy people coffee, 404 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,339 and I kill plants. And I'm really sorry 405 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,592 that I ruined your baseball game that night. 406 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,302 And I really hope that you can accept my apology, 407 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:12,138 but if you can't, I think maybe it's best 408 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,141 that you find another desk to work at. 409 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,935 - All right. Thank you for that. - Mm-hmm. 410 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,021 Oh. You... 411 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,194 Don't let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you! 412 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,612 Okay, Mary Sue. I'm going to give you 413 00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,238 like 10 minutes to get it out of your system, 414 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,449 and then I'm going to send your obituary. 415 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,826 - Ooh, well, in that case... - Mm-hmm. 416 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,746 Your tie is hideous. 417 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,248 I don't care that you didn't use a coaster. 418 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,083 Ah! You just sneezed, 419 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,127 and I'm not going to say God bless you. 420 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,631 You know, I've never said it aloud, 421 00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,133 but I've always wanted to. 422 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,761 Buttocks! Buttocks! 423 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,680 Buttocks! 424 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,140 I've created a monster. 425 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,351 Dennis, we really need to talk. 426 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,978 Wait, before you say anything... 427 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,772 I only kept the calendar on June 428 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,691 because the picture reminds me of us. 429 00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:08,152 - What? - Look... 430 00:17:08,269 --> 00:17:11,405 I'm the hippo, and you are the sweet little bird 431 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,199 riding my back into the sunset. 432 00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:15,576 That is actually so sweet. 433 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,495 You always just know what to... 434 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,121 Wait a minute. 435 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,040 I know for a fact 436 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,125 that you remember that one time we did gummies, 437 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,045 and we discussed in detail what animals we would be, 438 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,172 and we both said we would be a... 439 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,507 - pigeon... - Pigeon. 440 00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,300 ...because we belong to the city. 441 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,969 And we are both always stealing other people's fries. 442 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,887 Yes, I remember. 443 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,808 We are both dirty, lying little pigeons. 444 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,102 Which is why we are friends. 445 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,937 - Come here. - Mm. 446 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,940 But we can't work in the same office together. 447 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,400 Oh, God, no. You're a monster. 448 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,196 Can you come in here real quick? 449 00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,698 Trying to kill me? 450 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:54,949 It's really hard. Others have tried. 451 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,576 Come on, let's go. 452 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,963 So, I've been thinking about 453 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,589 how I missed the end of the Cubs game that night. 454 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,058 Oh, my God. Dude... 455 00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:16,095 And I realized I didn't stop to think about what you missed. 456 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,097 Picture this. 457 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,766 November 2, 2016. 458 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,185 Beyonc� and the Dixie Chicks take the stage. 459 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:26,637 The nation holds their breath, and then... 460 00:18:26,754 --> 00:18:29,131 - Set it and forget it. - And forget it. 461 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,886 That's if you followed all the instructional material. 462 00:18:31,993 --> 00:18:34,347 You know, there are so many people out there... 463 00:18:34,459 --> 00:18:38,505 Okay. I can see how painful it is from the other side. 464 00:18:38,629 --> 00:18:40,661 But I still maintain it is funny. 465 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,994 You're right, it is. 466 00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:44,874 But I couldn't see it back then. 467 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:46,959 I'd just moved to town for this job, 468 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,879 and I didn't know anyone or have any friends. 469 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:52,173 But I thought if my Cubs could win, 470 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,176 then maybe I could turn it around, too. 471 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,220 And it looked good. The Cubs were up, 472 00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,638 a pretty girl just asked for my number... 473 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,349 I knew you remembered that. 474 00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,811 But I missed the end of the game. 475 00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,606 And things kept sucking. 476 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,609 And it was the loneliest year of my life, 477 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:15,029 and I blamed it all on you. 478 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,530 And that wasn't fair. 479 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,327 I've been in many a tailspin. 480 00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:24,413 I get it. 481 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,332 Yeah, buy me one of those chicken roasters, 482 00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,709 and I'll forgive you. 483 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,128 Uh... 484 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,256 I'm not gonna do that. 485 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,258 Then I guess you're just gonna have to live with my wrath 486 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,844 next to you in a cubicle forever. 487 00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:40,346 I guess so. 488 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,975 Attention, employees! 489 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,852 Apparently you're all unhappy, 490 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,687 and apparently I care. 491 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,023 You want ergonomic chairs. You want childcare. 492 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:54,527 You want two-ply toilet paper. Well, I can't do it all. 493 00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:57,613 So what's one thing I can do that will make you all happy? 494 00:19:59,247 --> 00:20:02,393 I'll say it, I don't care. This overcrowding sucks ass. 495 00:20:02,526 --> 00:20:03,861 - Yeah. - Thank you, Tina. 496 00:20:03,972 --> 00:20:07,039 It is refreshing to finally hear the truth. 497 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:08,958 And I would love to not sit on the floor. 498 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,043 - Oh, enough, Cheryl. - Yeah, Cheryl. 499 00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,545 All right. Does everyone agree 500 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,672 that the current situation is not ideal? 501 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,258 - Mm-hmm. - Yes. 502 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,219 Very well. Then I shall un-merge the floors. 503 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,097 Go back to whence you came. 504 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,682 Thank you. 505 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,644 Is it weird that we're clapping for her 506 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,771 because she undid the terrible thing she did this morning? 507 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,398 Just about as weird as someone who's obsessed 508 00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,400 with a three-year-old calendar. 509 00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:35,776 - That's fair. - Mm. 510 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,944 I'm going to take the plant. 511 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,863 It's from the ladies' room. 512 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,364 Yeah, I know. 513 00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,869 See you around, Chicken Girl. 514 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,412 Only if you're lucky. 515 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:47,622 Get that... 516 00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,321 - Could you... - Can you... Oh... 517 00:20:52,446 --> 00:20:54,978 Nell, you said you were going to recycle all your old phones. 518 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,756 Show me one more time. 519 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,592 Look, all your photos and memories 520 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,261 are right here on the Cloud, including hundreds of selfies 521 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:03,888 of you seeing if there's food in your teeth. 522 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,222 - Okay? - Okay. 523 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,643 Are you sure they're still there? 524 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,229 - Ugh. - Uh, okay, just checking. 525 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:13,618 Oh, but what about on a clear day? 526 00:21:13,712 --> 00:21:15,357 It's not a literal cloud... 527 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,067 Oh. Jokes? 528 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:20,529 Yeah, totally. Duh. 529 00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:21,989 Give me my phones. 37237

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