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1
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:06,632
Why is the office so mellow today?
2
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:09,718
Huh. Add kombucha on tap,
and we might be at Google.
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,285
Isn't it nice? Mr. Rhodes
4
00:00:11,401 --> 00:00:13,445
is at a global leadership
conference in the Netherlands.
5
00:00:13,562 --> 00:00:16,177
Ooh! I'm picturing
Skarsgards everywhere,
6
00:00:16,276 --> 00:00:17,575
- and I want to be there.
- Yum.
7
00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:19,144
Uh, that's Sweden, but, you know, same.
8
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:22,272
My dear, never slurp.
9
00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:24,066
It gives men the wrong idea.
10
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,859
Oh, Nell, did you get that
obituary assignment,
11
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,653
- Mary Sue Manners?
- Sure did.
12
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,488
The public access lady
13
00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:30,989
that had the etiquette show
for like 40 years?
14
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:33,116
"Manners Matter with Mary Sue Manners."
15
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,826
Poor old broad
choked to death on crudit�.
16
00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,161
Have fun writing that one.
17
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:39,248
- "Old broad"?
- Everyone, stop relaxing!
18
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,333
I just hung up
with my father's hologram.
19
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,543
And effective immediately,
we will be merging
20
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,380
the two floors of the newsroom into one.
21
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,757
So pop a breath mint
and get ready to say hello
22
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,551
to your new office-mates.
23
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:54,096
As you know, my father
is attending a conference
24
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,099
about the Dutch productivity
philosophy uitmuntendheid.
25
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,768
It's a three-pronged approach...
a livable wage,
26
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,355
solid benefits, and an intimate office.
27
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,023
Father was offended by the first two,
28
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,858
but I thought the third one
sounded kind of fun.
29
00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,694
So scooch over, everybody!
30
00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:10,570
Mason has the new seating assignments,
31
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:14,230
and you can slip your thank-you
notes under my office door.
32
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,284
Enjoy!
33
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,453
2x04 - Not Polite Yet
34
00:01:20,673 --> 00:01:22,384
Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.MY-SUBS.com
35
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,794
It's weird but kind of exciting, right?
36
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,547
Like meeting your roommate
on the first day of college.
37
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,092
Oh, my roommate in college
ate my blanket. She ate it.
38
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,636
- So it can't be worse than that. Yeah.
- Yeah.
39
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:38,724
Nell, you'll be sharing
your disgusting cubicle with...
40
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,310
TJ Silva. You might wanna
clean up the ants
41
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,978
and stick a Febreeze somewhere.
42
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,689
TJ Silva, the sports writer?
43
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,942
He started here right before
you left for England.
44
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,695
He's literally the nicest guy
in the office.
45
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,697
Maybe I will freshen up my space.
46
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,324
Ah, that's a wonderful idea.
47
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,700
You know, a hostess
should always provide
48
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,869
a pleasant environment for her guests.
49
00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:02,372
Do you have any soaps
shaped like shellfish
50
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,541
or fun aquatic creatures?
51
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:08,378
Hey! Hey, B-dawg!
Haven't seen you in a minute.
52
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,797
Derrick, still can't believe
you got today's Wordle in two.
53
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,924
- Who does that?
- If you got it, you got it.
54
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,469
Cheryl, how is your cat
doing with the Prozac?
55
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:16,803
I stopped using Band-Aids.
56
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,014
Well, give Peaches
a little belly rub for me.
57
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,891
Aww, he's got nicknames for everyone,
58
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,142
and he cares about animal mental health.
59
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,102
And he doesn't eat blankets.
60
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:25,979
- That I know of. Good luck!
- Mm-hmm.
61
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,565
Later, TJ.
62
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,359
- Hi, I'm Nell.
- Mm-hmm.
63
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,152
Welcome to our cubicle.
64
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,029
I mean, they're all the same, but...
65
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,322
...this one's the best.
66
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,324
- Cool.
- Feel free to use, you know,
67
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,077
anything of mine...
pens, post-its, my thesaurus.
68
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,161
I'm very solicitous.
69
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,038
Hey, String Cheese! What's up?
70
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,790
It's my favorite snack!
71
00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:46,166
Yeah, it is.
72
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:49,127
Ooh. I see what you have on your hands.
73
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,755
I call this the difficult guest.
74
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,509
I addressed that in an episode
entitled "The Difficult Guest."
75
00:02:55,587 --> 00:02:56,587
What did you do?
76
00:02:56,657 --> 00:02:58,762
I found the flower that grew
in his childhood garden,
77
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,722
and I presented it on his table setting
78
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,974
when he sat down to dinner.
79
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,394
There's a plant in the bathroom.
80
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,187
- Hey, TJ.
- Oh.
81
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,689
So, since we're
working alongside each other,
82
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,983
I wanted to get you
a cubicle-warming gift.
83
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,402
Hope you enjoy it.
84
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,570
- Cool. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
85
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,975
I love it.
86
00:03:21,053 --> 00:03:24,621
Hmm. I don't think
you're gonna get a nickname.
87
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,127
Why are there a bunch
of children in my office?
88
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:31,420
- Hello?
- Hello.
89
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,462
Hello... Oh, what?
90
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,922
This is our social media team.
91
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,966
They turn our news stories
into 30-second TikToks.
92
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,009
Well, tick tock, I need my office back.
93
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,594
Bad news. It's their office now.
94
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,471
Good news. You're getting another one...
95
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,181
that you have to share
with another person.
96
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,225
That sounds like two bad newses.
97
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,476
Who am I stuck with?
98
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,812
- Yay! This is gonna be so fun.
- Eee! Totally!
99
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,201
It's gonna be like
a slumber party that you wear
100
00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:51,607
- your work clothes to.
- You're right. It's gonna be fun.
101
00:03:51,716 --> 00:03:53,013
Luckily, we both like
to keep the window...
102
00:03:53,083 --> 00:03:54,426
- ...closed.
- Open.
103
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,195
I mean closed! Yay!
104
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,197
Yeah, I don't know
what to tell you, Cheryl.
105
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:00,866
Some people just have
to sit on the floor.
106
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,159
Them's the breaks.
107
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,703
Okay.
108
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,413
How's it going, Mason?
109
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:07,998
Everything working out
with the new arrangement?
110
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,584
Oh, aces, boss.
Everybody's really loving it.
111
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,794
Excellent. I'm off to lunch
with a gentleman friend.
112
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,629
I'll be back in half an hour.
113
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,841
45 minutes if I'm lucky.
114
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,301
Hey, I had an extra string cheese,
115
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,179
and I thought,
why not give it to my man TJ?
116
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,806
Dude.
117
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,267
Bring it in.
118
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,561
That is so thoughtful.
I was having a blood sugar dip,
119
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:30,770
and along comes a hero.
120
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,900
- All right.
- Yeah.
121
00:04:33,010 --> 00:04:35,150
Oh, uh... Hey, everybody!
122
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,694
Ol' Nellybelly's getting coffee.
Who wants one? My treat.
123
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,280
Ooh, I'd love a coffee.
I'll get a list going.
124
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,997
- Who wants a coffee?!
- Oh, I'll take one.
125
00:04:42,106 --> 00:04:43,158
Hey, TJ, I'm not sure if you heard,
126
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,576
but I'm getting coffee for my peeps.
127
00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:46,518
- No, thanks. I'm good.
- Can... Oh, I... No? None?
128
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:47,954
I didn't have breakfast. Do you mind
129
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,957
- if I get a couple of muffins?
- Yeah, I do mind, Tina!
130
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,667
# When an edit comes along #
131
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,003
# You must click it #
132
00:04:55,143 --> 00:04:57,967
# Another edit comes along,
you must click it #
133
00:04:58,060 --> 00:04:59,000
Dennis!
134
00:04:59,085 --> 00:05:00,300
Aah! Oh, my God.
135
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,676
I forgot you were here.
136
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,720
Can you not click your pen?
137
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,722
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
138
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,331
- Yes, I will stop that.
- Okay.
139
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:12,278
# Stop it good, dun-dun-dun-dun-doo #
140
00:05:12,401 --> 00:05:15,398
Oh, hey, your calendar
is flipped to June 2021.
141
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,608
Let me fix that for you.
142
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,151
Leave it!
143
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:21,112
I mean...
144
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,240
please, uh, leave it.
145
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:26,785
I'm... I'm a big fan
of the picture for June.
146
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,870
Yeah, but it's the...
it's the wrong month.
147
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,747
- Mm-hmm.
- And the wrong year.
148
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:32,082
And if I have to look at that
every single day,
149
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,293
it's going to drive me bananas, so...
150
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,383
But, you know, if a calendar page
151
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,969
- is that important to you, uh...
- Great. Thank you.
152
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,930
Well, TJ hates me.
153
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,057
- What? Why?
- I don't know!
154
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:52,602
I've tried everything...
gifts, hid my desk junk,
155
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,354
bought everybody in the office coffee.
156
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,107
Oh, thank you for my iced
caramel hazelnut mocha.
157
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,316
- Oh, that was you?
- Mm-hmm.
158
00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,859
You owe me 9 bucks.
159
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:02,070
Nell, maybe TJ's just having
a bad day, you know?
160
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:07,242
TJ, you are so funny!
161
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,079
Okay. Well, sometimes
when someone acts weird,
162
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,290
it's about something that's
completely out of your control,
163
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:14,916
like maybe you just, like, remind him
164
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,167
of an ex-girlfriend or something.
165
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,461
Or, Nell, maybe your name reminds him
166
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,463
of that Jodie Foster movie
where she can't talk
167
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,382
- because of the woods.
- You think so?
168
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:25,510
Whatever's going on with TJ,
it's best to just let it go.
169
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,596
He's right. You guys have to
work right next to each other,
170
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,916
so just don't make it weird.
171
00:06:29,017 --> 00:06:31,683
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
172
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,853
I'm-a go make things weird.
173
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,063
Hey, TJ, can we...
174
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:40,066
Stupid plant.
175
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,028
Hey. Hey. Hi.
176
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,238
I feel like we need
to talk about the tension
177
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,574
that's happening between us.
178
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:50,285
Oh, wow. I didn't think
you were going to bring it up.
179
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,162
For sure. Let's discuss
the elephant in the room.
180
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:55,915
Yes. And exactly what is our elephant?
181
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,919
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
182
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,880
November 2, 2016, ring a bell?
183
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,465
Who remembers something
from that long ago?
184
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,008
It was the night
you pretty much destroyed
185
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,386
what could have been
the greatest moment of my life.
186
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:09,554
Yeah, still nothing.
187
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,098
Of course you don't remember.
Why would you?
188
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,309
A person who's capable
of doing what you did
189
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,019
wouldn't bother to remember.
190
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,273
Uh, how am I supposed to remember
191
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,941
what happened seven years ago?
192
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,152
Oh, just check your social diary.
193
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,695
I don't have a social diary.
194
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:26,988
Then how do you keep track
195
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,448
of the people
with whom you've had brunch?
196
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:32,619
Damn, what the hell did I do in 2016?
197
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,413
I don't know. Turn 40?
198
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,415
I will punch you in the neck.
199
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:44,297
I'll show you a social diary.
200
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,425
Hello, old friends.
201
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,596
What are you doing here?
You're never home this early.
202
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,890
Well, I needed to... Ew.
203
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,059
Since when did you become
an afternoon-robe guy?
204
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,644
I like the way the fabric
feels on my arm hairs.
205
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:58,895
I don't know why I asked.
206
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,355
Lexi's doing this stupid thing at work
207
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,815
where she's forcing us
to have cubicle-mates,
208
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,692
and mine hates me for something
I don't remember doing,
209
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,485
so I'm going through the photos
of all my old cell phones
210
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,278
to figure out what the hell happened
211
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,197
that pissed him off so much,
'cause I don't want to sit next
212
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:13,034
to someone who actively hates me
for the next forever-many years.
213
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,161
You keep all your old cell phones?
214
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,871
Yeah, that was the headline
of this rant.
215
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,581
Thank you for your active listening.
216
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,291
I don't understand. Have you
never heard of the Cloud?
217
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,127
No... I do not trust the Cloud.
218
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,882
Someone in your room, Robe Guy?
219
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:31,094
Oh, my God. Is your sex friend in there?
220
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,264
No, I-I just ate some dairy.
That's what that sound was.
221
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,643
Unh-unh. Mnh-mnh! No, no!
222
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,604
No. Ew. Gross. Bye.
223
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,898
You're gross.
224
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,442
Did I just hear Nell speaking ill
225
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:47,110
about the conditions
of her new work environment?
226
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,778
Yeah, she hates it.
227
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,071
I checked in with an underling,
228
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,031
and he said everyone was "aces."
229
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,783
Maybe that's because you're his boss,
230
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,410
and he's just saying
what he thinks you want to hear.
231
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,245
Employees do that?
232
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,623
Yeah. Sometimes lovers do it, too.
233
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,241
For instance,
I may have led you to believe
234
00:09:02,302 --> 00:09:03,386
- I like when you grab my...
- But if people are complaining,
235
00:09:03,436 --> 00:09:05,044
then they won't be productive.
236
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,088
And that flies in the face
of uitmuntendheid.
237
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,301
- You're leaving already?
- Yeah.
238
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:12,886
We didn't get a chance to...
239
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,722
- # Oontz, oontz, oontz #
- Oh, well, don't tempt me.
240
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,683
# Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz,
oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz #
241
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,269
No, I must go.
242
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:25,690
Let's see. 2016, 2016.
243
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,442
Ooh, I did not have
my selfie game down yet.
244
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,528
These angles are all
really nostril-heavy.
245
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,947
Oh, I found it. November 2, 2016.
246
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,033
Hey, and I was with you guys.
247
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,075
- Aww.
- Aww.
248
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,453
- Yeah.
- Look how on fleek I was.
249
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,992
I had bangs, and Sam didn't.
250
00:09:41,094 --> 00:09:42,165
- Sam's are better.
- Sam's are better.
251
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,375
But what happened that night?
252
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,378
Okay, tell me. When
I'm married and have kids,
253
00:09:47,518 --> 00:09:49,520
I can still do four shots
of Jager on a Wednesday, right?
254
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:50,632
- Yeah, 100%.
- Of course. Yeah.
255
00:09:50,765 --> 00:09:51,899
- Nothing's gonna change.
- Oh, I'm in that, like,
256
00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:55,144
sweet spot of drunk, you know?
I'm feeling, like, flirty.
257
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,180
I'm feeling a little girly, you know?
258
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,390
I think I'm gonna get
somebody's number tonight.
259
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:00,378
Yeah!
260
00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:03,091
I think it's time to "shpin" that phone.
261
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:04,687
- Oh.
- Let's spin that phone.
262
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:05,764
- She gonna spin that phone?
- Spin that phone?
263
00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:06,981
- Let's spin that phone.
- Spin that phone.
264
00:10:07,098 --> 00:10:09,073
- She gonna spin that phone.
- Go spin that phone.
265
00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:10,944
Gonna spin that phone.
266
00:10:13,619 --> 00:10:15,667
She gonna spin that phone again.
267
00:10:15,722 --> 00:10:17,492
She wanna spin that phone again.
268
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,372
Yeah.
269
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,040
I think I found my man.
270
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,251
Oh, my God.
271
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:28,962
That's why TJ's been mad at me
all these years.
272
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,547
I got his number,
and I never called him back.
273
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,006
I broke his heart.
274
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,259
I'm such a hot monster.
275
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,303
Oh, and then years later,
having all of this
276
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:41,140
just shoved up in his poor little face?
277
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,768
I'm gonna go apologize.
278
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,689
Okay. All right.
279
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,566
I just have to say it.
280
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:53,319
The reason why I hate your calendar
281
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:57,490
is because June is the month
of my wedding anniversary.
282
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,326
And that is the last thing
you want to be reminded of
283
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,953
when you are separated.
284
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,955
Oh, my God. Sam, I'm so sorry.
285
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,625
It's okay. I forgive you. Come here.
286
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,002
Wait a minute.
287
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,503
What?
288
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:12,964
I wore a wool knit Mr. Turk
to your wedding,
289
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,758
which I would never wear
during the summer.
290
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,802
You didn't get married in June.
291
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,122
Okay, fine! Fine.
292
00:11:19,239 --> 00:11:21,222
I just find the calendar annoying.
293
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,141
Oh. Well, it is not half as annoying
294
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,934
as every time you send an e-mail,
295
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,478
you feel compelled to say,
"Whoosh! Bye-bye."
296
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:28,938
That is adorable.
297
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,107
It is so not.
And maybe I could handle it
298
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,817
if it weren't for the hard-boiled eggs
299
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,028
that you shove down your gullet
like a pelican.
300
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:38,865
News flash, Sam... Nobody likes
food that smells like farts.
301
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,199
Okay. Okay.
302
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,659
- What are you doing? No.
- Yeah.
303
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,995
Ugh. Bleh.
304
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,538
Now it's gonna smell like that all day.
305
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:46,998
Oh, I know.
306
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:52,837
Okay. I remember our elephant.
307
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,507
I asked for your number,
and I never called you.
308
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,801
I'm... I'm really sorry.
309
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,720
What are you talking about?
310
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:02,847
You're right. Yeah, we don't
have to talk about it.
311
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,058
Yeah. It was a baseball game.
312
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,435
There was a baseball game?
313
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,646
It was Game 7 of the World Series.
314
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,022
The Cubs were on the verge of winning
315
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,951
for the first time in 108 years.
316
00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:17,334
Everyone in the bar was watching
the game, except for you.
317
00:12:17,428 --> 00:12:20,198
Oh, my God. You guys,
I forgot that the CMAs are on.
318
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,010
Beyonc� is about to perform
with the Dixie Chicks.
319
00:12:22,082 --> 00:12:23,119
What?
320
00:12:23,229 --> 00:12:24,369
But we're never going
to make it home on time
321
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,412
because we have such bad Uber ratings.
322
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:27,705
Don't let me pick the music
323
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,123
if you don't want to hear my falsetto.
324
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,458
- Hands off.
- Okay. Don't worry.
325
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,168
Listen, there's a TV right there.
326
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,129
- Bey is on the way!
- Ooh!
327
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,131
Bottom of the 10th. Two outs.
328
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:38,508
Cleveland at bat.
329
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,302
Martinez swings...
330
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,388
- Set it and forget it.
- And forget it.
331
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,223
- That's if you followed...
- What? No!
332
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:46,552
- all the instructional material.
- What? What just happened?
333
00:12:46,653 --> 00:12:49,227
I-I'm looking for Beyonc�.
It's only one TV.
334
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,396
Oh.
335
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:53,022
Okay, so it's all of them.
336
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,900
Who's got the remote?! Whoa.
337
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,819
I just pressed the wrong button, all right?
338
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,779
I don't work at Radio Shack!
339
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,281
And it's over!
340
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,742
The Cubs have just made history!
341
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,663
They're going wild in Chicago.
342
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,249
What a time to be alive.
343
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,251
I pity the loser who missed it.
344
00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:15,678
Okay, he did not say that.
345
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,368
Well, that's how I remember it.
346
00:13:17,454 --> 00:13:20,383
Mm, you were inebriated?
347
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,093
In a tavern?
348
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:25,680
You ruined the biggest moment
in Cubs history.
349
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,683
I may have to sit next to you,
but I don't have to like you.
350
00:13:32,929 --> 00:13:35,515
Well, I'm sorry,
but your social faux pas
351
00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,692
will be very difficult to recover from.
352
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,154
Ah, you'll be ostracized
from society for years,
353
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,740
unless... Could you marry a Kennedy?
354
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,951
Uh... I'm fine. I can work from here.
355
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,370
The world is my office now.
356
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,372
Ohh.
357
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:52,623
Ugh.
358
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:56,002
All right, well, hopefully that gum
359
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,212
belonged to someone
with excellent oral hygiene.
360
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,505
- Hey!
- Hey.
361
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,257
What are you, uh...
Whatcha doing out here?
362
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,759
I don't think I can work next to TJ.
363
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,926
He's a huge Cubs fan,
364
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,220
and it turns out seven years ago,
365
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:08,097
I changed the channel
in a World Series game...
366
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,223
Oh, the chickens came on!
367
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,602
Wait, that's what he's mad about?
368
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,104
- That was hilarious.
- Well, he doesn't think so.
369
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,689
Yeah, he thinks I'm kind of awful.
370
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:20,359
Well, he's wrong. Remember
we got kicked out of the bar,
371
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,279
and then we tried
to sneak back in wearing hats?
372
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:24,655
Ugh, we almost made it.
373
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,599
- But somehow they found us out.
- Aah! Aah!
374
00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:28,858
- They threw stuff at us.
- Aah! Oh! Aah!
375
00:14:28,959 --> 00:14:30,244
Chicken wings!
376
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,372
You were so funny that night.
377
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,917
And Dennis saved me.
378
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,335
Do you remember I was wearing
379
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,213
that one off-the-rack
Chanel blouse that I loved?
380
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,132
And he dove in between me
and an incoming hot wing.
381
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,261
He sacrificed
his favorite "On Fleek" shirt.
382
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:51,265
He took a wing for me. Mm, Dennis.
383
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,267
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
384
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,732
I know, I know. I'm sure
you're appalled at my behavior.
385
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:02,735
Well, you are loud and messy
and rude and disgusting.
386
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,195
Well, that... That is me.
387
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,115
But you're also a lot of fun.
388
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,992
You know, Nell,
389
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:13,204
when that crudit�
got stuck in my throat,
390
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,664
I didn't want to draw attention,
391
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,458
so I excused myself and went outside.
392
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,502
But there was no one there to help me.
393
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,297
I choked to death on my own politeness.
394
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:26,342
Oh, don't be like me, Nell.
395
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,844
You be yourself.
396
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,096
You make as much noise as you want to.
397
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,515
And if that fella upstairs
doesn't like it,
398
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,268
well, that's his [bleep] problem.
399
00:15:36,452 --> 00:15:39,480
My. Mary Sue, you are bad.
400
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,399
Just...
401
00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:50,992
I have to show you something.
402
00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:00,710
I've tried to make you like me,
but this is who I am.
403
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,628
I'm messy, and I don't
buy people coffee,
404
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,339
and I kill plants. And I'm really sorry
405
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,592
that I ruined your baseball
game that night.
406
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,302
And I really hope
that you can accept my apology,
407
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:12,138
but if you can't,
I think maybe it's best
408
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,141
that you find another desk to work at.
409
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,935
- All right. Thank you for that.
- Mm-hmm.
410
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,021
Oh. You...
411
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,194
Don't let the door hit you
where the Good Lord split you!
412
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,612
Okay, Mary Sue. I'm going to give you
413
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,238
like 10 minutes
to get it out of your system,
414
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,449
and then I'm going
to send your obituary.
415
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,826
- Ooh, well, in that case...
- Mm-hmm.
416
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,746
Your tie is hideous.
417
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,248
I don't care that
you didn't use a coaster.
418
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,083
Ah! You just sneezed,
419
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,127
and I'm not going to say God bless you.
420
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,631
You know, I've never said it aloud,
421
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,133
but I've always wanted to.
422
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,761
Buttocks! Buttocks!
423
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,680
Buttocks!
424
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,140
I've created a monster.
425
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,351
Dennis, we really need to talk.
426
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,978
Wait, before you say anything...
427
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,772
I only kept the calendar on June
428
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,691
because the picture reminds me of us.
429
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:08,152
- What?
- Look...
430
00:17:08,269 --> 00:17:11,405
I'm the hippo, and you
are the sweet little bird
431
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,199
riding my back into the sunset.
432
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:15,576
That is actually so sweet.
433
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,495
You always just know what to...
434
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,121
Wait a minute.
435
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,040
I know for a fact
436
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,125
that you remember
that one time we did gummies,
437
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,045
and we discussed in detail
what animals we would be,
438
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,172
and we both said we would be a...
439
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,507
- pigeon...
- Pigeon.
440
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,300
...because we belong to the city.
441
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,969
And we are both always stealing
other people's fries.
442
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,887
Yes, I remember.
443
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:38,808
We are both dirty, lying little pigeons.
444
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,102
Which is why we are friends.
445
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,937
- Come here.
- Mm.
446
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,940
But we can't work
in the same office together.
447
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,400
Oh, God, no. You're a monster.
448
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,196
Can you come in here real quick?
449
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,698
Trying to kill me?
450
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:54,949
It's really hard. Others have tried.
451
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,576
Come on, let's go.
452
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,963
So, I've been thinking about
453
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,589
how I missed the end
of the Cubs game that night.
454
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,058
Oh, my God. Dude...
455
00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:16,095
And I realized I didn't stop
to think about what you missed.
456
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,097
Picture this.
457
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,766
November 2, 2016.
458
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,185
Beyonc� and the Dixie Chicks
take the stage.
459
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:26,637
The nation holds their breath,
and then...
460
00:18:26,754 --> 00:18:29,131
- Set it and forget it.
- And forget it.
461
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,886
That's if you followed
all the instructional material.
462
00:18:31,993 --> 00:18:34,347
You know, there are
so many people out there...
463
00:18:34,459 --> 00:18:38,505
Okay. I can see how painful
it is from the other side.
464
00:18:38,629 --> 00:18:40,661
But I still maintain it is funny.
465
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,994
You're right, it is.
466
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:44,874
But I couldn't see it back then.
467
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:46,959
I'd just moved to town for this job,
468
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,879
and I didn't know anyone
or have any friends.
469
00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:52,173
But I thought if my Cubs could win,
470
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,176
then maybe I could turn it around, too.
471
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,220
And it looked good. The Cubs were up,
472
00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,638
a pretty girl just asked
for my number...
473
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,349
I knew you remembered that.
474
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,811
But I missed the end of the game.
475
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,606
And things kept sucking.
476
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,609
And it was the loneliest
year of my life,
477
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:15,029
and I blamed it all on you.
478
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,530
And that wasn't fair.
479
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,327
I've been in many a tailspin.
480
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:24,413
I get it.
481
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,332
Yeah, buy me one of those
chicken roasters,
482
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,709
and I'll forgive you.
483
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,128
Uh...
484
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,256
I'm not gonna do that.
485
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,258
Then I guess you're just
gonna have to live with my wrath
486
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,844
next to you in a cubicle forever.
487
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:40,346
I guess so.
488
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,975
Attention, employees!
489
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,852
Apparently you're all unhappy,
490
00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,687
and apparently I care.
491
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,023
You want ergonomic chairs.
You want childcare.
492
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:54,527
You want two-ply toilet paper.
Well, I can't do it all.
493
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:57,613
So what's one thing I can do
that will make you all happy?
494
00:19:59,247 --> 00:20:02,393
I'll say it, I don't care.
This overcrowding sucks ass.
495
00:20:02,526 --> 00:20:03,861
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Tina.
496
00:20:03,972 --> 00:20:07,039
It is refreshing
to finally hear the truth.
497
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:08,958
And I would love
to not sit on the floor.
498
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,043
- Oh, enough, Cheryl.
- Yeah, Cheryl.
499
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,545
All right. Does everyone agree
500
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,672
that the current situation is not ideal?
501
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,258
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
502
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,219
Very well. Then I shall
un-merge the floors.
503
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:23,097
Go back to whence you came.
504
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,682
Thank you.
505
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,644
Is it weird that we're clapping for her
506
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,771
because she undid the terrible
thing she did this morning?
507
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,398
Just about as weird
as someone who's obsessed
508
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,400
with a three-year-old calendar.
509
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:35,776
- That's fair.
- Mm.
510
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,944
I'm going to take the plant.
511
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,863
It's from the ladies' room.
512
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,364
Yeah, I know.
513
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,869
See you around, Chicken Girl.
514
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,412
Only if you're lucky.
515
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:47,622
Get that...
516
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,321
- Could you...
- Can you... Oh...
517
00:20:52,446 --> 00:20:54,978
Nell, you said you were going
to recycle all your old phones.
518
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,756
Show me one more time.
519
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,592
Look, all your photos and memories
520
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,261
are right here on the Cloud,
including hundreds of selfies
521
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:03,888
of you seeing
if there's food in your teeth.
522
00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,222
- Okay?
- Okay.
523
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,643
Are you sure they're still there?
524
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:12,229
- Ugh.
- Uh, okay, just checking.
525
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:13,618
Oh, but what about on a clear day?
526
00:21:13,712 --> 00:21:15,357
It's not a literal cloud...
527
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,067
Oh. Jokes?
528
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:20,529
Yeah, totally. Duh.
529
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:21,989
Give me my phones.
37237
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