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1
00:00:06,456 --> 00:00:08,924
Hey, perfect timing.
I'm just about to plug her in.
2
00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:10,692
Oh, okay, good.
Fire her up.
3
00:00:10,693 --> 00:00:13,628
And let there
be light.
4
00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:19,885
Wow,
that's... festive.
5
00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:21,619
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
6
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:23,922
Huh?
7
00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:25,340
All right.
8
00:00:25,341 --> 00:00:27,976
Seventy-nine more to go.
9
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,829
I see my timing is perfect.
10
00:00:31,830 --> 00:00:33,665
I spent the day
at the senior center,
11
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:37,269
crafting a one-of-a-kind
ornament for our tree.
12
00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:41,323
Okay.
13
00:00:41,324 --> 00:00:43,158
What is this?
14
00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:46,361
It started out as a coffee mug.
It became a reindeer.
15
00:00:46,362 --> 00:00:48,330
Hang it up, please.
16
00:00:48,331 --> 00:00:49,730
No. It doesn't look
like a reindeer.
17
00:00:49,731 --> 00:00:52,501
It looks like something
a reindeer left behind.
18
00:00:52,502 --> 00:00:55,337
Don't push me
during the holidays.
19
00:00:55,338 --> 00:00:57,289
Doug,
just do what he says.
20
00:00:57,290 --> 00:01:00,241
Carrie, this thing's a brick.
It'll drag the whole tree down.
21
00:01:00,242 --> 00:01:04,179
Hang it up or I'll bust
this angel wide open.
22
00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:05,730
Hey, put that down.
It's fragile.
23
00:01:05,731 --> 00:01:06,848
So help me, I'll do it.
24
00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:07,949
You do Vixen here
25
00:01:07,950 --> 00:01:09,518
is coming
right at your head!
26
00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:10,702
You what?
Yeah? Try me!
27
00:01:10,703 --> 00:01:14,306
All right, the both of you,
stop it! Stop it!
28
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:18,176
Where is your Christmas spirit?
29
00:01:23,032 --> 00:01:24,882
Now, Dad,
I will find
30
00:01:24,883 --> 00:01:28,353
a prime place for this
on the tree, okay?
31
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:30,155
Now, hand over
the angel,
32
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,789
nice and slow.
33
00:01:37,914 --> 00:01:40,131
This isn't over.
34
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,035
So, what's
the deal?
35
00:02:18,036 --> 00:02:19,871
Can we, uh,
go home yet or what?
36
00:02:19,872 --> 00:02:22,340
No, honey, we have to finish
our gift list.
37
00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:23,458
We don't need a list.
38
00:02:23,459 --> 00:02:25,260
I can get all our shopping
done in an hour.
39
00:02:25,261 --> 00:02:27,545
Honey, I saved very carefully
this year
40
00:02:27,546 --> 00:02:29,631
so everyone
would get a nice gift.
41
00:02:29,632 --> 00:02:31,499
Last year, you did all
your Christmas shopping
44
00:02:38,307 --> 00:02:40,008
Not everyone. Oh, yeah, that's right.
45
00:02:40,009 --> 00:02:43,828
Your mother did get a bottle
of herbal trucker's speed.
46
00:02:43,829 --> 00:02:46,764
Hey, she painted our garage
in under an hour.
47
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:51,369
Okay, look, I need you to finish
paying for this stuff,
48
00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:53,271
and then I need you
to go next door to buy these
49
00:02:53,272 --> 00:02:54,623
at Leather World.
50
00:02:54,624 --> 00:02:55,940
Leather World. Kinky.
51
00:02:55,941 --> 00:02:56,992
Yeah.
52
00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:59,794
Winter gloves.
Real kinky.
53
00:02:59,795 --> 00:03:01,546
Winter sex gloves.
54
00:03:01,547 --> 00:03:03,915
All right, I'll meet you
back here in a half-hour, okay?
55
00:03:03,916 --> 00:03:05,250
All right.
All right.
56
00:03:06,585 --> 00:03:07,785
Excuse me?
57
00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,120
Oh, yes?
58
00:03:09,121 --> 00:03:11,172
Sorry to bother you,
but, uh...
59
00:03:11,173 --> 00:03:13,892
I can't decide which one
of these sweaters to buy.
60
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:17,095
Oh, okay, well,
first off, who's it for?
61
00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:19,931
My sister
and she's very picky.
62
00:03:19,932 --> 00:03:23,234
Okay, well...
You know what?
63
00:03:23,235 --> 00:03:25,904
I would go with the black one
because she can wear it to work,
64
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:27,805
and then she can wear it
for goin' out at night.
65
00:03:29,141 --> 00:03:30,325
You know,
66
00:03:30,326 --> 00:03:31,809
I almost went
with the brown one,
67
00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:33,244
because when you held it up,
68
00:03:33,245 --> 00:03:35,079
it really brought out
your eyes.
69
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,383
Oh...
70
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,336
That's so sweet.
Thank you.
71
00:03:41,337 --> 00:03:42,621
And you're very beautiful.
72
00:03:44,540 --> 00:03:46,190
Hey, babe,
73
00:03:46,191 --> 00:03:48,260
what's up?
74
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:49,961
Hi.
75
00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:53,181
Yeah, just shoppin'
with my three favorite people:
76
00:03:53,182 --> 00:03:56,351
my wife, my love
and my lady.
77
00:03:56,352 --> 00:03:57,802
Okay. Yeah? How about you?
78
00:03:57,803 --> 00:03:59,304
Ya got everything
you need?
79
00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:00,955
Uh, yes,
looks like I do.
80
00:04:00,956 --> 00:04:02,307
Hm.
81
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:04,643
Well... thanks again.
82
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,477
Oh,
you're welcome.
83
00:04:05,478 --> 00:04:07,345
Happy holidays.
Mmm.
84
00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:12,400
What is the matter
with you?
85
00:04:12,401 --> 00:04:13,535
He was hittin' on you.
86
00:04:13,536 --> 00:04:15,654
You don't have to be
so rude to him.
87
00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:17,989
Hey. Guy hits on my woman,
I'm gonna throw down.
88
00:04:17,990 --> 00:04:20,492
Really? How come you didn't
do anything to that bank teller
89
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:21,993
when he asked me out
last week?
90
00:04:21,994 --> 00:04:24,328
'Cause he was
almost my height.
91
00:05:32,698 --> 00:05:33,965
May I help you?
Oh.
92
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:36,400
Yeah, I don't think
this is the right size.
93
00:05:37,987 --> 00:05:40,755
You know, I am looking at you,
and I am thinking,
94
00:05:40,756 --> 00:05:42,156
a Guiseppe Gimali,
95
00:05:42,157 --> 00:05:44,743
three-quarter length
leather duster.
96
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:47,495
Didn't understand a word
you just said.
97
00:05:47,496 --> 00:05:49,247
Shall I ring up
those gloves?
98
00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:50,715
Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.
99
00:05:50,716 --> 00:05:52,550
Will that be
cash or charge?
100
00:05:52,551 --> 00:05:53,501
Charge.
101
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:01,993
You lost
your wallet?
102
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:04,312
It looks that way.
Are you sure?
103
00:06:04,313 --> 00:06:06,364
I won't be positive
until I shower tonight,
104
00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:08,099
but I think it's gone.
105
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,967
Well, the leather store
was only 20 feet away.
106
00:06:09,968 --> 00:06:12,821
So it's gotta be somewhere
between here and there.
107
00:06:12,822 --> 00:06:15,240
Actually, I may have made
a couple stops
108
00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:16,574
before the leather store.
109
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,195
Okay, so where
did you go first?
110
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:23,665
Well, first I went right here
to Paws and Claws.
111
00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:24,949
Paws and Claws?
112
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:26,167
Yeah,
the pet store.
113
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:27,836
Why? What did you do
in the pet store?
114
00:06:27,837 --> 00:06:30,171
Held a puppy.
115
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:32,040
And then you went
to Leather World?
116
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:33,390
No, then I went
to Barnes & Noble
117
00:06:33,391 --> 00:06:35,593
to look up dog names,
in case you let me get a puppy.
118
00:06:35,594 --> 00:06:38,195
I like Hondo.
What do you think?
119
00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:42,550
Anyway, uh...
120
00:06:42,551 --> 00:06:43,802
Then I went
to the second level,
121
00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:46,304
where I tried on sunglasses,
sat in a massage chair
122
00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:48,239
and watched a little bit
of the teen fashion show.
123
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,941
It's pretty cool,
'cause I could see it
124
00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:51,475
from the massage chair.
125
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:56,815
Then I went over here
to Lady Foot Locker.
126
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,616
Why?
127
00:06:58,617 --> 00:07:00,902
I saw Céline Dion
in there.
128
00:07:00,903 --> 00:07:04,823
Oh, okay, Céline Dion
shops at Lady Foot Locker?
129
00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:06,073
No.
Céline Dion
130
00:07:06,074 --> 00:07:08,009
works
at Lady Foot Locker.
131
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,994
Anyway,
it wasn't her.
132
00:07:09,995 --> 00:07:10,862
Okay,
you know what?
133
00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,831
Please, let's just
retrace your steps
134
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:14,499
and maybe we can find
your wallet.
135
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,801
Cool.
I'll show you Hondo.
136
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:22,907
I cannot believe
I lost it.
137
00:07:22,908 --> 00:07:25,476
I mean,
my driver's license,
138
00:07:25,477 --> 00:07:28,213
my insurance card,
my gym membership.
139
00:07:29,331 --> 00:07:31,632
Yeah, without that
and your library card,
140
00:07:31,633 --> 00:07:33,651
how will you live?
141
00:07:33,652 --> 00:07:36,521
I just don't understand.
It's like it vanished.
142
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:39,323
Yeah. Along with the other
five wallets that you've lost.
143
00:07:39,324 --> 00:07:43,528
Including the one
that was chained to your pants.
144
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,446
I still can't figure
that one out.
145
00:07:45,447 --> 00:07:48,666
I lost my pants, Carrie.
It's not a big mystery.
146
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:49,917
Okay,
you know what?
147
00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:51,819
Let's just cancel
your credit cards
148
00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:54,521
and try to enjoy
the holidays, okay?
149
00:07:54,522 --> 00:07:56,841
So it was just the Visa
and the Amex, right?
150
00:07:56,842 --> 00:07:58,459
Yeah, and, uh,
151
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:00,712
some other ones.
152
00:08:00,713 --> 00:08:02,597
What other ones?
153
00:08:02,598 --> 00:08:05,249
Well, every day they send me
these applications in the mail.
154
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:08,719
Sign up for a Jets card
and get a free Jets hat.
155
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,307
Sign up for a Knicks card
and earn Knick bucks.
156
00:08:12,308 --> 00:08:15,977
What the hell
are Knick bucks?
157
00:08:15,978 --> 00:08:17,729
I don't know,
but if I get 20,000 of 'em,
158
00:08:17,730 --> 00:08:19,697
I get a free hat.
159
00:08:19,698 --> 00:08:22,834
Doug, I accept the fact that
I'm the responsible one, okay?
160
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:26,136
I do all our finances,
I plan for our retirement,
161
00:08:26,137 --> 00:08:28,706
I check us both
for lumps,
162
00:08:28,707 --> 00:08:31,108
and I real-
I don't expect you to help me,
163
00:08:31,109 --> 00:08:33,878
but now you're just
actively screwing me over.
164
00:08:33,879 --> 00:08:35,379
I just don't understand this.
165
00:08:35,380 --> 00:08:38,416
I swear, I took my wallet out.
I paid for your dad's sweater.
166
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:41,018
I put my wallet back,
and I-
167
00:08:41,019 --> 00:08:42,687
Wait a second.
168
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,506
That guy-
That guy, he picked my pocket!
169
00:08:45,507 --> 00:08:46,641
What guy?
170
00:08:46,642 --> 00:08:48,192
You know.
171
00:08:48,193 --> 00:08:50,428
Little Romeo.
172
00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:51,996
Oh, my G-
Okay, Doug.
173
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:55,433
You have tried to blame
your stupidity on other people,
174
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:58,269
but this-
This is just sad.
175
00:08:58,270 --> 00:09:00,021
No. I'm tellin' you,
he took it.
176
00:09:00,022 --> 00:09:02,440
Oh, you just have it in for him
'cause he was hitting on me.
177
00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:04,675
Maybe he was hitting on you
just to create a diversion
178
00:09:04,676 --> 00:09:06,244
so he could grab
my wallet.
179
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,862
Oh, please.
180
00:09:07,863 --> 00:09:09,630
Right, what was I thinkin'?
I mean, he had to be
181
00:09:09,631 --> 00:09:12,366
hittin' on you
'cause you're so damn hot.
182
00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:17,721
Okay, you know what,
Doug?
183
00:09:17,722 --> 00:09:20,658
I don't want you to buy me
a gift this year, okay?
184
00:09:20,659 --> 00:09:21,993
All I want
for Christmas
185
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:24,128
is for you to stop acting
like a big baby
186
00:09:24,129 --> 00:09:25,847
and grow up.
187
00:09:25,848 --> 00:09:27,481
No. I gave you that
last year.
188
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:34,121
Now,
if I cancel my credit card,
189
00:09:34,122 --> 00:09:36,790
do I still get to keep
the Knick bucks?
190
00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:40,361
I do? Great! Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.
191
00:09:44,383 --> 00:09:45,700
What the hell's goin' on?
192
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:46,901
Danny and I just got attacked
193
00:09:46,902 --> 00:09:48,653
by a bunch of kids
throwin' snowballs.
194
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:51,522
Where's Danny?
He's not here?
195
00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:52,907
I thought
he was ahead of me.
196
00:09:52,908 --> 00:09:54,375
Cut it out!
Just quit it!
197
00:10:01,549 --> 00:10:03,167
Where'd ya go?
198
00:10:03,168 --> 00:10:05,703
Once they ran out
from behind the station wagon,
199
00:10:05,704 --> 00:10:07,922
it was every man for himself.
200
00:10:07,923 --> 00:10:11,041
Aw, man, that Chinese kid's
got an arm.
201
00:10:13,762 --> 00:10:15,362
Okay, guys,
so, what's the plan now?
202
00:10:15,363 --> 00:10:18,066
Are you gonna hang out here
till the streetlights come on?
203
00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:20,134
We're on our way to Cooper's
to catch the second half
204
00:10:20,135 --> 00:10:21,736
of the game.
Get your coat on.
205
00:10:21,737 --> 00:10:23,855
Nah. You know what?
I pass.
206
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:25,523
Come on, 2-for-1 pitchers.
Yeah, come on.
207
00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:27,358
It's all right, man.
I'm not goin'.
208
00:10:27,359 --> 00:10:28,359
Why not?
'Cause I'm not.
209
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,727
Why not?
Becau- I-
210
00:10:29,728 --> 00:10:32,429
I spent my allowance
already, okay?
211
00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:33,665
What?
212
00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:35,283
Carrie and I got into a fight,
all right.
213
00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:36,717
And to teach me a lesson,
she-
214
00:10:36,718 --> 00:10:38,886
- put me on an allowance.
215
00:10:42,491 --> 00:10:44,542
Why don't you sell
your bike?
216
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:49,897
That's pretty tough talk
comin' from a guy
217
00:10:49,898 --> 00:10:52,633
who just got chased
into my house by a 12-year-old.
218
00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:54,785
It was
five 12-year-olds.
219
00:10:54,786 --> 00:10:56,821
And three of them
were guys.
220
00:10:58,357 --> 00:10:59,423
Well, I'm not goin',
so go-
221
00:10:59,424 --> 00:11:01,059
Go to Cooper's
and have a good time.
222
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,243
Aw, all right.
223
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:04,011
Hey, let's-
Let's go out the back door.
224
00:11:04,012 --> 00:11:05,313
Oh, good idea.
225
00:11:05,314 --> 00:11:06,747
We'll grab some
garbage-can covers,
226
00:11:06,748 --> 00:11:08,415
use them as shields.
Oh, good idea.
227
00:11:11,853 --> 00:11:13,121
Hello?
228
00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:15,389
This is he.
229
00:11:15,390 --> 00:11:17,791
Yes,
that is my credit card.
230
00:11:17,792 --> 00:11:20,428
Are there any charges
on it?
231
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:22,530
Really?
232
00:11:22,531 --> 00:11:24,332
Really?
233
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,733
Uh-huh.
234
00:11:25,734 --> 00:11:27,335
Thank you.
235
00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:30,471
Thank you very much.
236
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,239
Hey, Columbo.
237
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,093
How's the, uh,
manhunt goin'?
238
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:38,763
Oh, I just got a call
that blew this case wide open.
239
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:39,897
Oh, yeah?
240
00:11:39,898 --> 00:11:41,015
Mm-hm.
Here are some charges
241
00:11:41,016 --> 00:11:43,751
that were just made on one
of my missing credit cards.
242
00:11:43,752 --> 00:11:46,154
Read 'em and weep.
243
00:11:46,155 --> 00:11:47,605
Pablo's Tailor Shop.
244
00:11:47,606 --> 00:11:49,273
Yeah.
Now, tell me,
245
00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:54,579
what kind of a guy goes
to get his clothes altered?
246
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,513
You.
247
00:11:56,514 --> 00:11:58,983
I mean, I've let your pants out
so many times,
248
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:02,319
the tailor invited me
to his daughter's wedding.
249
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:03,504
Okay, fine.
250
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:04,722
But
how do you explain these?
251
00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:07,825
The boys' department at Saks,
huh?
252
00:12:07,826 --> 00:12:09,393
Island Minigolf.
253
00:12:09,394 --> 00:12:11,746
Which is like regular golf
for him.
254
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:14,715
And The Ladder Store.
255
00:12:14,716 --> 00:12:18,685
That's right,
The Ladder Store.
256
00:12:18,686 --> 00:12:22,140
Now,
who needs a ladder?
257
00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:25,943
Um, a contractor,
a painter, a tree trimmer,
258
00:12:25,944 --> 00:12:27,377
a window washer.
259
00:12:27,378 --> 00:12:29,697
That's just to name a few.
260
00:12:29,698 --> 00:12:31,783
It's him,
and you know it is.
261
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,184
No. What I know
is that you're a screwup,
262
00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,820
who just cost himself
next week's allowance.
263
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:39,090
You just can't face the fact
that he was after my wallet.
264
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,994
He was trying to get
in my pants, not yours.
265
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:48,833
Just cost yourself
another week, buddy boy.
266
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,435
You- You are livin'
in a fantasy world, okay?
267
00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:53,554
Because I got enough proof,
and I'll tell you what,
268
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:55,873
I'm goin' to the cops.
269
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,694
Okay,
I don't have a license,
270
00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:02,179
so I'm gonna need you
to drive me.
271
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:11,889
Mr. Heffernan?
272
00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:14,158
Detective Perry said
he'll be just another minute.
273
00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,961
Why are they makin' us
wait so long?
274
00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:19,497
I don't know,
Doug.
275
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,047
They're probably all
wastin' their time
276
00:13:21,048 --> 00:13:22,583
on some pesky murder.
277
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:26,653
Boy, you got some sass,
mujer.
278
00:13:28,423 --> 00:13:29,523
Mr. Heffernan?
279
00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,095
I'm Detective Perry.
280
00:13:34,096 --> 00:13:37,048
Hey there.
How ya doin' there?
281
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:39,467
I understand, uh,
someone stole your wallet.
282
00:13:39,468 --> 00:13:41,219
Uh, yeah.
283
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:42,285
Yeah, Doug, why don't you, uh,
284
00:13:42,286 --> 00:13:44,305
go ahead and tell the detective
who did it?
285
00:13:44,306 --> 00:13:46,740
Uh, yeah, I-
I was shopping,
286
00:13:46,741 --> 00:13:48,942
and this guy was talkin'
to my, uh, wife,
287
00:13:48,943 --> 00:13:50,844
and he- He-
He took it.
288
00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,397
What'd this guy
look like?
289
00:13:55,016 --> 00:13:56,817
Oh, just-
White guy.
290
00:13:56,818 --> 00:13:59,320
Uh, spiky hair.
291
00:13:59,321 --> 00:14:02,156
Probably in his 30s.
Yeah, that's the guy.
292
00:14:02,157 --> 00:14:04,692
Hey, honey, could you
be any more specific?
293
00:14:06,094 --> 00:14:08,312
Yeah, did he have any
distinctive characteristics?
294
00:14:08,313 --> 00:14:10,581
Anything unique that would
help us ID him. Anything.
295
00:14:10,582 --> 00:14:14,651
Distinctive...
296
00:14:14,652 --> 00:14:16,387
Let's see.
He was, uh...
297
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:19,190
Uh, dressed very nicely.
298
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:23,094
I think he was wearin'
some kind of cologne.
299
00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:25,862
He was a midget, and, uh...
300
00:14:25,863 --> 00:14:27,932
I think
he was wearin' jeans.
301
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,817
Uh, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
302
00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:32,153
Jeans. I think
he was wearing jeans.
303
00:14:32,154 --> 00:14:33,470
Before that
you said something.
304
00:14:33,471 --> 00:14:34,388
Oh, uh,
305
00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:35,589
he was a midget.
306
00:14:38,276 --> 00:14:40,027
I'm not catching this.
307
00:14:40,028 --> 00:14:41,779
He was a midget.
308
00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:42,780
He was in what?
309
00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:44,514
He was-
I can't-
310
00:14:44,515 --> 00:14:45,583
Mr. Heffernan-
311
00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:46,967
He's a midget!
312
00:14:48,736 --> 00:14:50,754
I'm sorry. I know
that's not the right word.
313
00:14:50,755 --> 00:14:52,456
Okay.
No offense. I-
314
00:14:52,457 --> 00:14:54,208
Why would I take offense?
315
00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:56,010
I'm not sayin'
that you're a-
316
00:14:56,011 --> 00:14:57,444
You're a-
You know-
317
00:14:57,445 --> 00:14:58,578
A midget?
318
00:14:58,579 --> 00:15:01,648
No. You're way past
the cutoff, right?
319
00:15:09,791 --> 00:15:11,992
Well, well,
320
00:15:11,993 --> 00:15:15,128
who put a lump of coal
in your stocking?
321
00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:19,266
It's nothin'.
It's just...
322
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:21,718
This little person
stole my wallet,
323
00:15:21,719 --> 00:15:23,871
and nobody believes me.
324
00:15:23,872 --> 00:15:25,973
Oh,
the little people.
325
00:15:25,974 --> 00:15:28,793
So small yet so cunning.
326
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:31,445
Yeah. I mean, Carrie thinks
I got it in for this guy
327
00:15:31,446 --> 00:15:33,047
just 'cause he hit on her.
328
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:37,284
Well, we all know her taste
in men runs to the extreme.
329
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:40,755
What makes you so sure
it's him?
330
00:15:40,756 --> 00:15:43,224
Look at the charges
on my credit card.
331
00:15:47,128 --> 00:15:48,762
Why,
any fool could tell
332
00:15:48,763 --> 00:15:50,830
these are the charges
of the tiny.
333
00:15:52,401 --> 00:15:53,734
Exactly.
I mean-
334
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,736
You're the only one
who believes me.
335
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,020
Great.
336
00:15:57,021 --> 00:15:58,656
This is no time
for self-pity.
337
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:00,824
There's a criminal
on the loose.
338
00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:03,360
We'll call these stores
and see if anyone remembers
339
00:16:03,361 --> 00:16:05,529
who used your card.
340
00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:07,114
Y- y-you think someone will?
341
00:16:07,115 --> 00:16:08,982
I worked in retail.
342
00:16:08,983 --> 00:16:11,685
If a little person
walked into my shop,
343
00:16:11,686 --> 00:16:14,722
it was all I could
talk about for years.
344
00:16:19,878 --> 00:16:21,645
Appreciate you
driving me, Arthur,
345
00:16:21,646 --> 00:16:24,415
but, uh, could you
speed it up a little?
346
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:27,150
I follow
the rules of the road.
347
00:16:28,903 --> 00:16:30,870
Okay, we just got passed
by a shopping cart.
348
00:16:30,871 --> 00:16:32,106
Come on.
349
00:16:32,107 --> 00:16:33,707
Are you sure
this is a strong lead?
350
00:16:33,708 --> 00:16:34,874
Positive.
351
00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:36,026
The Ladder Store said,
352
00:16:36,027 --> 00:16:38,562
"A little fella by
the name of Doug Heffernan
353
00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:40,847
just bought himself
a step stool. "
354
00:16:40,848 --> 00:16:42,749
She also said
she remembers him saying
355
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:44,684
that it was for his job
at the mall.
356
00:16:46,371 --> 00:16:49,089
You know,
we're quite a team.
357
00:16:49,090 --> 00:16:51,992
Like Jake and the Fatman.
358
00:16:51,993 --> 00:16:53,860
Needless to say,
I'm Jake.
359
00:16:55,997 --> 00:17:00,334
There's just one more person
I need to invite to the party.
360
00:17:00,335 --> 00:17:03,570
Hey, Car, it's, uh, me.
It's, uh...
361
00:17:03,571 --> 00:17:05,672
Let's see. It's 6:30 now.
362
00:17:05,673 --> 00:17:08,475
Do me a favor.
Meet me at the mall ASAP.
363
00:17:08,476 --> 00:17:10,761
I got a little surprise
for ya.
364
00:17:10,762 --> 00:17:12,762
Little surprise.
Marvelous.
365
00:17:21,690 --> 00:17:23,356
How are we gonna
find this guy?
366
00:17:23,357 --> 00:17:25,092
There's, like,
a million people here.
367
00:17:25,093 --> 00:17:28,461
Vigilante justice
takes patience, Douglas.
368
00:17:28,462 --> 00:17:31,582
Hey, do you see
what I see?
369
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:34,902
The Panda Express?
Because I could eat.
370
00:17:34,903 --> 00:17:37,671
No, that elf over there.
That's the guy.
371
00:17:37,672 --> 00:17:39,272
All right,
hand over my wallet.
372
00:17:40,308 --> 00:17:41,542
What?
373
00:17:41,543 --> 00:17:43,794
Oh, I'm sorry. I-
374
00:17:43,795 --> 00:17:46,797
I thought you were this
other guy who stole my wallet.
375
00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:48,298
Oh, ho, ho. I get it.
376
00:17:48,299 --> 00:17:50,601
Because I'm black.
377
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,219
No, no, no, no.
Not 'cause you're black.
378
00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:54,805
'Cause you're a-
A little person.
379
00:17:54,806 --> 00:17:57,475
Oh, so now all little people
are thieves?
380
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:58,809
No, that's not
what I'm sayin'.
381
00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:00,711
How would you feel
if I walked around sayin',
382
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:04,782
someone stole my donut,
it must have been the fat guy.
383
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:07,150
Whoa!
Where'd my Christmas ham go?
384
00:18:07,151 --> 00:18:09,653
Gee, I wonder.
385
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:11,322
All right, all right,
all right, all right!
386
00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:13,523
You made your point.
I'm sorry, man. Jeez.
387
00:18:13,524 --> 00:18:14,825
That's right!
388
00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:16,560
You better leave, tubby.
389
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,646
Hey! Hey!
390
00:18:22,516 --> 00:18:24,552
Hey, I know
it was you!
391
00:18:24,553 --> 00:18:26,337
Don't know what
you're talking about.
392
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:28,539
Yeah? You stole my wallet,
and you used my credit cards.
393
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,474
I wrote down all the charges
right here.
394
00:18:30,475 --> 00:18:33,594
All right, I did it,
but it serves you right.
395
00:18:33,595 --> 00:18:34,895
What are you
talkin' about?
396
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,014
I was having a nice conversation
with your wife,
397
00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:38,182
and you came over,
398
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,749
and you made me feel
like garbage.
399
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,819
So I just grabbed your wallet.
400
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:43,520
Careful, Douglas.
He's cornered.
401
00:18:43,521 --> 00:18:46,356
There's no telling
what he might do.
402
00:18:46,357 --> 00:18:48,125
Look, I got the situation
under control.
403
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:49,592
Why don't you go
to Panda Express?
404
00:18:49,593 --> 00:18:50,660
I could eat.
405
00:18:52,747 --> 00:18:54,598
Look, even if what you say
is true, okay,
406
00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:56,833
it doesn't give you the right
to steal my wallet.
407
00:18:58,185 --> 00:19:00,220
You're right.
408
00:19:00,221 --> 00:19:02,822
Why do I do these things?
I mean...
409
00:19:02,823 --> 00:19:04,675
I've really made a mess
of my life.
410
00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:08,512
I can't hold down a job
or make a marriage work,
411
00:19:08,513 --> 00:19:10,664
but when it comes
to screwin' up,
412
00:19:10,665 --> 00:19:13,667
man,
I'm the all-time champ.
413
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,003
All right, tell you what.
414
00:19:16,004 --> 00:19:18,305
Just, uh...
give me back my wallet,
415
00:19:18,306 --> 00:19:20,107
and we'll just forget
the whole thing.
416
00:19:20,108 --> 00:19:22,393
Really? You're not
gonna call the cops?
417
00:19:22,394 --> 00:19:23,844
Nah.
418
00:19:25,146 --> 00:19:27,064
Here. All the credit cards
are in there.
419
00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:28,799
You can count 'em if you want. No.
420
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:30,917
That's all right.
421
00:19:30,918 --> 00:19:32,203
Merry Christmas.
422
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:35,455
You too,
Douglas Steven Heffernan.
423
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:39,877
Doug?
424
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:41,127
Hey, uh...
I can explain.
425
00:19:41,128 --> 00:19:42,696
You don't have
to explain anything.
426
00:19:42,697 --> 00:19:44,882
That was a very nice
thing you did.
427
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:49,086
You're still a big baby, but...
you're a sweet big baby.
428
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:50,520
So we, uh...
429
00:19:50,521 --> 00:19:51,805
We're good?
430
00:19:51,806 --> 00:19:53,591
We're good.
Just hang on one second.
431
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:54,991
Uh, excuse me.
432
00:19:54,992 --> 00:19:56,343
Can I ask you
a question?
433
00:19:56,344 --> 00:19:57,261
Sure.
434
00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,846
You were...
hitting on me, right?
435
00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:01,615
I mean, that wasn't just
part of your scam
436
00:20:01,616 --> 00:20:02,733
to get the wallet?
437
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:04,217
Are you kidding?
438
00:20:04,218 --> 00:20:07,655
You're an A-1 piece of tail,
honey.
439
00:20:07,656 --> 00:20:10,958
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
440
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,461
Now, get the hell
outta here.
441
00:20:15,396 --> 00:20:17,531
We can go now?
Yes.
442
00:20:17,532 --> 00:20:19,199
Guess I owe you
an apology.
443
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,152
Actually, I owe you
an apology too.
444
00:20:22,153 --> 00:20:23,853
He's actually an okay guy.
445
00:20:27,408 --> 00:20:28,642
Mr. Heffernan,
446
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:30,844
welcome
to the Maui Paradise Resort.
447
00:20:30,845 --> 00:20:33,413
And how will you be paying
for your stay?
31564
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