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1
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So I'm working the counter
at the bowling alley,
2
00:00:34,881 --> 00:00:36,213
and Spence returns his shoes.
3
00:00:36,281 --> 00:00:38,680
And I'm about to spray them,
and he says, "Don't bother."
4
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,079
Then he pulls out this
little travel shoe sprayer,
5
00:00:41,147 --> 00:00:43,847
like he's James
Bond or something.
6
00:00:43,914 --> 00:00:46,280
I had to ask him out
right there on the spot.
7
00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:47,946
Well, you're only human, right?
8
00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:49,979
Actually, most women
are turned on
9
00:00:50,047 --> 00:00:52,180
by his asthma inhaler.
10
00:00:52,247 --> 00:00:54,814
But for me, it's always
been the bite plate.
11
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,613
Anyway, since then, it has been
12
00:00:56,681 --> 00:00:58,613
a month of heaven, right, cutie?
13
00:00:58,681 --> 00:00:59,613
Mm-hmm!
14
00:00:59,681 --> 00:01:02,546
Except for... the incident.
15
00:01:02,614 --> 00:01:04,780
Uh-oh!
16
00:01:04,848 --> 00:01:07,446
Denise bought me the
ugliest contact paper
17
00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:08,946
for my kitchen drawers.
18
00:01:09,014 --> 00:01:10,313
It's adorable!
19
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,379
Hey, it's not.
20
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,946
But if teddy bears
wearing aprons
21
00:01:14,014 --> 00:01:15,713
is what you like,
then I support that
22
00:01:15,781 --> 00:01:17,479
because that's part
of who you are.
23
00:01:17,547 --> 00:01:19,780
Just like line dancing
is part of who you are.
24
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,113
Exactly!
25
00:01:22,181 --> 00:01:23,546
Plus, there are plenty
of things we both like.
26
00:01:23,614 --> 00:01:24,780
Like...
27
00:01:24,847 --> 00:01:27,946
La Boheme! La Boheme!
28
00:01:29,147 --> 00:01:30,113
They're a cute couple,
29
00:01:30,181 --> 00:01:31,280
but they just turned
a bad corner.
30
00:01:31,347 --> 00:01:33,746
I wanted to see La Boheme.
31
00:01:33,814 --> 00:01:35,313
I love the opera.
32
00:01:35,380 --> 00:01:36,613
Since when?
33
00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:38,280
Uh, since I was a kid
34
00:01:38,347 --> 00:01:39,646
and I saw Rigoletto
35
00:01:39,714 --> 00:01:42,579
after Sarette
Hornblass' bat mitzvah.
36
00:01:44,747 --> 00:01:46,479
OK, I didn't understand one
word in that sentence,
37
00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:48,246
and I'm not going.
38
00:01:48,314 --> 00:01:49,946
Doug, I felt the same way as you
39
00:01:50,014 --> 00:01:51,079
until I saw it.
40
00:01:51,147 --> 00:01:52,613
I mean, I went to mock,
41
00:01:52,681 --> 00:01:55,413
I stayed to rock.
42
00:01:57,514 --> 00:01:59,346
Please don't make me go.
43
00:02:03,580 --> 00:02:06,046
All right, boys, time
for a little moo shu
44
00:02:06,114 --> 00:02:07,279
and some March madness.
45
00:02:07,347 --> 00:02:08,879
That's what I'm talking about.
46
00:02:08,947 --> 00:02:11,046
College hoops, only my
favorite time of year.
47
00:02:11,114 --> 00:02:12,713
OK, let's fire this sucker up.
48
00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:13,979
Who we got, who we got?
49
00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:15,579
OK, it's 5:00.
50
00:02:15,648 --> 00:02:18,779
We got Southern Illinois vs.
American Samoa.
51
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,113
Who do you like, Deac?
52
00:02:20,180 --> 00:02:21,579
I think this is Samoa's year.
53
00:02:21,648 --> 00:02:22,812
Yeah.
54
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,879
Keep it down a sec, guys,
I got a message here.
55
00:02:25,947 --> 00:02:27,346
Carrie On Answering Machine:
Hey, hon, it's me. Listen,
56
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:29,979
one of the partners can get
me 2 free tickets tonight
57
00:02:30,047 --> 00:02:31,879
for La Boheme. I have
to let him know by 6:00
58
00:02:31,947 --> 00:02:33,280
or he's giving them
to someone else.
59
00:02:33,347 --> 00:02:34,945
I promise you'll
have a good time.
60
00:02:35,013 --> 00:02:38,346
Call me before 6:00, OK?
Love you, bye.
61
00:02:42,347 --> 00:02:44,045
Damn it!
62
00:02:44,113 --> 00:02:46,245
Hey, La Boheme. Good for you.
63
00:02:46,313 --> 00:02:47,613
Know what I'm doing tonight?
64
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,946
Not seeing La Boheme.
65
00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,613
You know what? I'm not
seeing it, either.
66
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,679
I just... I gotta think
of a way out of this.
67
00:02:54,746 --> 00:02:55,879
Why don't you just tell
Carrie you're watching hoops,
68
00:02:55,947 --> 00:02:57,412
you don't feel like going.
69
00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:59,613
Yeah, that's a good idea.
The only problem is
70
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,212
I don't want one of her
boots in this area.
71
00:03:04,113 --> 00:03:06,645
Well, then, you're going
to the opera, boy.
72
00:03:06,713 --> 00:03:09,045
You best get your mind right.
73
00:03:10,347 --> 00:03:12,745
Wait a second. I can't
go to the opera
74
00:03:12,813 --> 00:03:14,879
if I never heard
Carrie's message, right?
75
00:03:14,947 --> 00:03:17,679
And I couldn't have
heard her message if...
76
00:03:17,746 --> 00:03:19,812
I was working late! That's it!
Get everything up, guys.
77
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,279
We're out of here.
Go! Clean it up!
78
00:03:21,347 --> 00:03:22,912
What? I just rolled
my first moo sh...
79
00:03:22,980 --> 00:03:23,979
Yeah, well, you know what?
You can eat it
80
00:03:24,046 --> 00:03:25,245
on the bus ride home, all right?
81
00:03:25,313 --> 00:03:26,412
We gotta get this room
looking exactly like it was
82
00:03:26,481 --> 00:03:28,312
when we walked in.
Come on, let's go!
83
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:31,112
That's it. Next time,
we're watching TV
84
00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:33,279
at the divorced guy's house.
85
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,346
You know what? Don't
forget anything, too.
86
00:03:35,413 --> 00:03:36,779
Carrie's got eyes like a hawk.
87
00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:39,346
All right. Oh, man.
88
00:03:39,413 --> 00:03:40,879
OK. Come on, let's go.
89
00:03:40,947 --> 00:03:42,212
Hey, Deac, hand me a napkin.
90
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,480
There's a little plum
sauce on the table.
91
00:03:43,547 --> 00:03:46,045
Whoa! Hold it!
92
00:03:46,113 --> 00:03:48,379
Wait a second.
93
00:03:50,347 --> 00:03:52,145
OK, that's not plum sauce.
That's jelly from yesterday.
94
00:03:52,213 --> 00:03:54,812
That stays. Let's go, let's go!
95
00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:07,212
Answering machine!
96
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,379
What about it?
97
00:04:08,447 --> 00:04:11,145
Oh, my God. The light's
not flashing anymore.
98
00:04:11,213 --> 00:04:12,812
Carrie's gonna know I
checked the message.
99
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,579
And we're back at the opera.
100
00:04:16,646 --> 00:04:18,712
No, no, no, no, no! Deac,
call me on your cell phone.
101
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:20,812
Leave a message. The
light will flash again
102
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,412
and both messages
will play as new.
103
00:04:22,481 --> 00:04:23,679
I don't want to get in
the middle of this.
104
00:04:23,746 --> 00:04:26,946
I'm kind of fond of this area.
105
00:04:27,013 --> 00:04:29,379
Fine, then, Danny, you do it.
106
00:04:29,447 --> 00:04:31,679
Really? Thanks.
107
00:04:34,113 --> 00:04:36,312
OK, so, uh, what do I say?
108
00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:38,379
I don't know. Just say, "Doug, it's Danny.
Call me later."
109
00:04:38,447 --> 00:04:40,045
Well, what am I calling about?
110
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,679
It doesn't matter!
111
00:04:41,746 --> 00:04:43,679
You know what, I can't
watch this anymore.
112
00:04:43,746 --> 00:04:44,679
Thank you.
113
00:04:44,746 --> 00:04:48,913
Gotta get me some
grown-ass friends.
114
00:04:50,613 --> 00:04:51,745
Doug: Hey, you've
reached the Heffernans.
115
00:04:51,814 --> 00:04:53,813
Leave a message.
116
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,879
Hey, man. Sorry you got
roped into the late shift.
117
00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:58,612
Listen, remember to bring my
Coltrane CD to work tomorrow.
118
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,679
I gotta... Kirby, I told you
119
00:05:00,746 --> 00:05:02,612
to quit unbuckling
Major's car seat!
120
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,279
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
121
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:08,046
That's what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
122
00:05:14,646 --> 00:05:15,979
That all right?
123
00:05:16,047 --> 00:05:18,379
I got chills.
124
00:05:25,313 --> 00:05:28,712
Doug? Doug!
125
00:05:33,747 --> 00:05:35,346
Hey, hon.
126
00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:36,879
Are you just getting home now?
127
00:05:36,947 --> 00:05:39,746
Yeah. I got stuck with the
late shift at the last minute.
128
00:05:39,813 --> 00:05:41,578
What you got there? The mail?
129
00:05:41,647 --> 00:05:44,312
Yeah. I left you a
message earlier today.
130
00:05:44,379 --> 00:05:46,345
I could've gotten us La
Boheme tickets for tonight
131
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:47,679
from one of the partners.
132
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:50,879
Aww. Well, there's nothing
I could've done about it.
133
00:05:50,947 --> 00:05:52,578
Nick Faruno's wife
went into labor.
134
00:05:52,647 --> 00:05:54,979
Just what we need, another one
of him in the world, huh?
135
00:05:55,047 --> 00:05:57,311
Ugh! God.
136
00:06:01,147 --> 00:06:02,411
We, uh, get any messages?
137
00:06:02,479 --> 00:06:04,612
Well, I know there's
one from me.
138
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:05,812
Carrie: Hey, hon, it's me.
139
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,679
Listen, one of the
partners can get me...
140
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:10,445
Deacon: Hey, man. Hey,
sorry you got roped
141
00:06:10,513 --> 00:06:12,812
into the late shift. Listen,
remember to bring my Coltrane CD
142
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,345
to work tomorrow. I want to...
143
00:06:14,412 --> 00:06:17,113
Kirby, I told you to quit
unbuckling Major's car seat!
144
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:19,579
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
145
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,745
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
146
00:06:24,746 --> 00:06:26,445
Hmm.
147
00:06:26,513 --> 00:06:27,979
You ask me, that kid could use
148
00:06:28,047 --> 00:06:29,913
a little taste of
highway life, huh?
149
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:32,345
Knock the sissy out of him.
150
00:06:32,413 --> 00:06:33,913
W-what are you doing?
151
00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:36,612
I just want to...
152
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,679
I just want to hear
something again.
153
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,745
Deacon: Leave your
behind on the B.Q.E.!
154
00:06:40,814 --> 00:06:42,812
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
155
00:06:47,046 --> 00:06:48,879
Hey, did you know there's
another outlet over here?
156
00:06:48,947 --> 00:06:51,244
Come here, you gotta check this out!
It's wild! 3-prong!
157
00:06:51,312 --> 00:06:53,478
You want to live on the highway?
158
00:06:57,213 --> 00:06:58,411
Hey, let's go get
pizza right now
159
00:06:58,479 --> 00:07:01,512
like 2 crazy kids. Come on,
let's go right now, huh?
160
00:07:01,579 --> 00:07:03,079
Who's hungry for fun?
161
00:07:06,747 --> 00:07:08,746
Wh-what are you doing?
162
00:07:20,114 --> 00:07:21,979
That was Pepper barking
163
00:07:22,013 --> 00:07:24,712
on that message.
164
00:07:24,780 --> 00:07:26,345
Deacon didn't call from his car.
165
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:29,179
He called from inside our house.
166
00:07:31,346 --> 00:07:32,679
No, no, no. You know
what probably happened?
167
00:07:32,746 --> 00:07:33,913
Pepper probably got out
168
00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:37,079
and was chasing Deacon's
car on the highway.
169
00:07:37,146 --> 00:07:40,079
Damn it, keep your gate closed!
170
00:07:40,146 --> 00:07:41,445
I gotta go talk to them.
171
00:07:41,513 --> 00:07:45,279
Doug, Deacon left
us a phony message.
172
00:07:45,346 --> 00:07:47,879
Why would he do that?
173
00:07:49,513 --> 00:07:52,012
Shh. We're both tense.
Let's get that pizza.
174
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,112
Doug, what the hell
is going on here?
175
00:07:56,046 --> 00:07:57,678
Shh. I don't know.
176
00:07:57,747 --> 00:08:00,311
Doug, tell me what the
hell is going on,
177
00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:02,012
or so help me, I will kill you.
178
00:08:02,079 --> 00:08:03,212
And I don't mean that funny,
179
00:08:03,214 --> 00:08:04,478
"Oh, my God! I'm
gonna kill you."
180
00:08:04,546 --> 00:08:08,078
I mean I will stop your heart!
181
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,046
OK, I was home. OK, I heard
your stinking message.
182
00:08:13,113 --> 00:08:14,211
I had Deacon leave another one
183
00:08:14,279 --> 00:08:15,612
so the light would flash again.
184
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,746
Then I left and I
waited in the car
185
00:08:17,813 --> 00:08:19,178
till you got home.
186
00:08:20,613 --> 00:08:22,279
So you would rather
187
00:08:22,346 --> 00:08:24,979
sit in the car for 3 hours
188
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,913
then in a theater for 2?
189
00:08:29,312 --> 00:08:33,445
It's the opera! They sing
every word in foreign!
190
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,378
Oh, my God!
191
00:08:35,446 --> 00:08:36,445
Carrie!
192
00:08:36,513 --> 00:08:38,679
Do me a favor...
Get away from me.
193
00:08:38,747 --> 00:08:39,779
But it was my only way out!
194
00:08:39,847 --> 00:08:42,045
It wasn't your only
way out, Doug.
195
00:08:42,113 --> 00:08:43,912
If you were a grown-up,
you would just say,
196
00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:46,045
"Carrie, I don't want
to go to the opera,"
197
00:08:46,113 --> 00:08:47,211
and that would've
been the end of it.
198
00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,512
I did that, and it
wasn't the end of it.
199
00:08:49,579 --> 00:08:51,478
It's never the end of it
until you crush me to dust!
200
00:08:51,546 --> 00:08:53,112
Oh, I crush you to dust.
201
00:08:53,179 --> 00:08:55,679
Doug, I can barely
roll you off my arm
202
00:08:55,747 --> 00:08:57,612
when we're sleeping.
203
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:01,245
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
204
00:09:01,312 --> 00:09:03,578
I got a couple pounds on you,
205
00:09:03,647 --> 00:09:06,445
no argument there.
206
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,978
But don't you kid yourself.
207
00:09:08,045 --> 00:09:09,545
You're the one who rules
this relationship.
208
00:09:09,613 --> 00:09:12,144
Oh, I rule the relationship. How
do I rule the relationship?
209
00:09:12,212 --> 00:09:15,479
With fear.
210
00:09:15,546 --> 00:09:16,612
I'm scared of you, yeah.
211
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,278
Hmm. You're scared of me.
212
00:09:18,346 --> 00:09:19,712
Yeah, I said it.
213
00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:23,045
And, frankly, I'm a little
scared that I said it.
214
00:09:23,113 --> 00:09:25,178
You know, you are
so full of crap!
215
00:09:25,246 --> 00:09:26,712
Not crap. Terror.
216
00:09:26,780 --> 00:09:28,445
Terror? You know what, Doug?
217
00:09:28,513 --> 00:09:29,645
I don't think this has to do
218
00:09:29,713 --> 00:09:30,779
with you being
scared of me at all.
219
00:09:30,846 --> 00:09:31,978
No, this has to do with you
220
00:09:32,046 --> 00:09:34,712
being a big selfish baby
and trying to cover it up.
221
00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:38,845
Because I'm scared of you!
222
00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:40,879
Anyway, you think I like
having to lie all the time?
223
00:09:40,946 --> 00:09:42,078
I mean, except for our marriage,
224
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:44,812
I'm a pretty honest guy.
225
00:09:44,879 --> 00:09:48,678
So this lying, you
do it all the time?
226
00:09:48,746 --> 00:09:50,912
No.
227
00:09:50,979 --> 00:09:53,312
Yes, yes, I do.
228
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:55,312
Like when? Give me an example.
229
00:09:55,380 --> 00:09:57,445
All right, um, well, you know
230
00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,012
when you were upset at
the guys at the car wash
231
00:10:00,079 --> 00:10:03,045
because you thought they
shorted out our power seats?
232
00:10:03,113 --> 00:10:06,145
Yeah. Actually, that was me.
233
00:10:06,213 --> 00:10:07,445
I was working 2 buttons at once
234
00:10:07,513 --> 00:10:09,445
trying to get it to buck.
235
00:10:16,013 --> 00:10:18,612
Like Urban Cowboy, you know.
236
00:10:19,913 --> 00:10:23,212
But I got a letter of
apology from Enrique.
237
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,512
That was me writing lefty.
238
00:10:27,546 --> 00:10:31,578
I knew "gracias" wasn't
spelled with a "z"!
239
00:10:31,646 --> 00:10:33,112
OK, what else?
240
00:10:33,180 --> 00:10:34,845
All right, well, uh,
241
00:10:34,913 --> 00:10:38,812
often I enjoy a pre-dinner
Whopper on my drive home.
242
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,778
Yeah, and you know why you
don't smell it on me?
243
00:10:41,846 --> 00:10:44,378
Because I change
uniforms in the garage.
244
00:10:44,446 --> 00:10:45,812
Yeah, because of you,
245
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:48,645
I gotta stash uniforms
all over this place.
246
00:10:48,713 --> 00:10:51,378
Wow! That's one deceitful
247
00:10:51,446 --> 00:10:53,812
and self-destructive. Kudos!
248
00:10:53,879 --> 00:10:55,712
Oh, Carrie, come on, all right?
I do what I gotta do
249
00:10:55,779 --> 00:10:57,645
to keep this marriage
running smoothly, OK?
250
00:10:57,713 --> 00:10:58,712
You just see the sausage.
251
00:10:58,779 --> 00:11:00,279
You don't see how it's made.
252
00:11:00,346 --> 00:11:02,679
Are you listening to yourself?
253
00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,312
I mean, I'm not the
scary one here.
254
00:11:04,379 --> 00:11:05,778
Nuh-uh! You're the scary one.
255
00:11:05,846 --> 00:11:07,279
I am? Yeah.
256
00:11:07,346 --> 00:11:08,512
Oh, yeah? Then how come
257
00:11:08,579 --> 00:11:10,012
they didn't make a horror
movie called Doug?
258
00:11:10,079 --> 00:11:12,412
Huh? Carrie? Yeah!
259
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,445
I hope this isn't a bad time.
260
00:11:21,513 --> 00:11:22,711
Oh, no. No, come in.
261
00:11:22,779 --> 00:11:23,978
OK, I just want to
go over my bill
262
00:11:24,046 --> 00:11:25,912
for walking your dad
like we discussed.
263
00:11:25,979 --> 00:11:26,978
I don't want you to think
264
00:11:27,046 --> 00:11:28,378
I cook the books or anything.
265
00:11:28,446 --> 00:11:29,645
Sure, sure. OK.
266
00:11:29,712 --> 00:11:32,145
On the 15th, I have a
charge for 89 cents
267
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:33,845
because I bought biscuits
for the other dogs
268
00:11:33,913 --> 00:11:37,412
and Arthur got jealous and
demanded marshmallow Peeps.
269
00:11:39,913 --> 00:11:42,612
Um... Holly, can I
ask you a question?
270
00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:44,179
I know. When did the
price of Peeps go up?
271
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,445
I was stunned.
272
00:11:46,513 --> 00:11:50,412
Do you find me... scary?
273
00:11:52,013 --> 00:11:53,279
You know, I'll just pay
for the Peeps myself.
274
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,112
No, Holly, come on! I
really want to know.
275
00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:56,778
Just be honest with me.
I mean, how do you feel
276
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:59,912
when you're around me?
Like right now?
277
00:11:59,979 --> 00:12:02,279
Happy.
278
00:12:04,113 --> 00:12:05,677
OK, well, I'm looking
right at you,
279
00:12:05,746 --> 00:12:07,112
and I'm not seeing happy.
280
00:12:07,179 --> 00:12:10,212
I can do better. Happy!
281
00:12:10,279 --> 00:12:11,811
Holly, come on! I just need you
282
00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:14,644
to answer the question. I mean,
is that too much to ask?
283
00:12:14,712 --> 00:12:16,178
I think we've been
pretty damn good to you.
284
00:12:16,246 --> 00:12:17,278
Oh, God, are you gonna fire me?
285
00:12:17,346 --> 00:12:18,378
No, I'm not gonna fire you!
286
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,545
I just need you to
answer the question.
287
00:12:19,612 --> 00:12:21,278
What? Am I scary?
288
00:12:21,346 --> 00:12:22,545
No! Holly!
289
00:12:22,612 --> 00:12:24,111
Yes, yes, you're terrifying me!
290
00:12:24,179 --> 00:12:26,578
You've terrified me
since the day we met!
291
00:12:28,279 --> 00:12:30,778
Thank you.
292
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:38,611
Here's Carrie!
293
00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:41,745
Hi.
294
00:12:41,812 --> 00:12:45,112
Relax. I come in peace.
295
00:12:45,179 --> 00:12:47,245
Really? You're not mad anymore?
296
00:12:47,312 --> 00:12:48,711
No.
297
00:12:48,779 --> 00:12:50,478
Look, I'm sorry.
298
00:12:50,545 --> 00:12:51,911
I said some really rough
things last night
299
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,112
because I was flailing, but...
300
00:12:54,179 --> 00:12:55,511
you're great.
301
00:12:55,578 --> 00:12:58,045
Well, you know, I can
be scary sometimes,
302
00:12:58,113 --> 00:13:00,245
and I really don't like
that about myself.
303
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:01,745
Yeah, but I'm very selfish,
304
00:13:01,812 --> 00:13:04,145
and my lying has gotten
way out of control.
305
00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:05,678
But you know what it is?
Sometimes we just...
306
00:13:05,746 --> 00:13:07,345
We bring the worst
out in each other,
307
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,045
and it doesn't have
to be like that.
308
00:13:09,113 --> 00:13:10,445
I mean, we could
have a more honest
309
00:13:10,512 --> 00:13:12,611
and supportive relationship
310
00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:15,044
if we were willing
to work on it.
311
00:13:15,113 --> 00:13:18,111
Sign me up for that. Mm-wah!
312
00:13:25,946 --> 00:13:27,812
Doug? Yeah?
313
00:13:27,879 --> 00:13:30,412
I thought we were
gonna work on it.
314
00:13:30,478 --> 00:13:31,845
Now?
315
00:13:31,913 --> 00:13:33,778
Yes, now!
316
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:37,012
Oh. OK. Well...
317
00:13:37,079 --> 00:13:38,312
let's work on it. OK.
318
00:13:38,379 --> 00:13:39,412
What do we do?
319
00:13:39,478 --> 00:13:40,912
Well, um,
320
00:13:40,979 --> 00:13:43,078
well, why don't you try
telling me the truth
321
00:13:43,146 --> 00:13:44,677
about something you
would normally hide,
322
00:13:44,746 --> 00:13:46,577
and I will try to respond
323
00:13:46,645 --> 00:13:48,811
without making you
poop yourself.
324
00:13:51,445 --> 00:13:53,911
All right, uh...
325
00:13:53,979 --> 00:13:56,811
Oh, let me see. OK, our...
our Visa bill.
326
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,212
Have you... have you
looked at it yet?
327
00:13:59,279 --> 00:14:00,644
No.
328
00:14:00,712 --> 00:14:02,711
OK, well, there's
a charge on here
329
00:14:02,779 --> 00:14:07,510
from a video store for "G.G.W."
330
00:14:07,578 --> 00:14:09,978
That stands for Girls Gone Wild.
331
00:14:11,379 --> 00:14:12,577
Uh-huh.
332
00:14:12,646 --> 00:14:16,345
Now, I was planning on
telling you that "G.G.W."
333
00:14:16,411 --> 00:14:19,611
stood for George Washington.
334
00:14:19,678 --> 00:14:23,245
And what were you
planning on telling me
335
00:14:23,313 --> 00:14:24,411
the middle "G" stood for?
336
00:14:24,478 --> 00:14:25,677
Gary.
337
00:14:25,745 --> 00:14:27,078
Gary. OK.
338
00:14:27,146 --> 00:14:28,878
Well, I'm just curious, Doug,
339
00:14:28,946 --> 00:14:30,611
in a, you know, supportive,
340
00:14:30,678 --> 00:14:32,744
non-scary way, of course,
341
00:14:32,812 --> 00:14:35,078
why you would purchase a
Girls Gone Wild video
342
00:14:35,146 --> 00:14:36,978
in the first place?
343
00:14:37,046 --> 00:14:40,344
That's a good question, and
I support that question.
344
00:14:40,412 --> 00:14:42,744
Mm-hmm.
345
00:14:42,813 --> 00:14:45,744
There's something about
the "going wild" process
346
00:14:45,813 --> 00:14:49,045
that fascinates me.
347
00:14:49,113 --> 00:14:52,078
Right, right, right.
348
00:14:52,146 --> 00:14:53,544
I mean, because I
could understand
349
00:14:53,612 --> 00:14:56,344
why guys who aren't married
to attractive women
350
00:14:56,411 --> 00:14:58,778
would want to buy
that video, but...
351
00:14:58,846 --> 00:15:00,245
You know what I'm saying?
352
00:15:00,311 --> 00:15:01,645
Ha ha ha! You do?
353
00:15:01,712 --> 00:15:03,145
I do, I do. OK, OK.
354
00:15:03,212 --> 00:15:06,277
And yet I don't know.
355
00:15:06,345 --> 00:15:08,911
OK.
356
00:15:08,979 --> 00:15:11,444
Ahem. So, where is this video?
357
00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:13,611
It's in the My Fair Lady box.
358
00:15:16,745 --> 00:15:18,844
OK. Well...
359
00:15:18,912 --> 00:15:20,278
thank you for telling me.
360
00:15:20,345 --> 00:15:23,678
Thank you for not getting upset.
361
00:15:23,745 --> 00:15:25,344
No problem.
362
00:15:25,412 --> 00:15:26,644
One other thing.
363
00:15:26,712 --> 00:15:29,112
Yeah?
364
00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:32,212
I'm gonna go to race
car driving school.
365
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,212
I'm sorry?
366
00:15:34,279 --> 00:15:35,978
Yeah. Jimmy from work,
367
00:15:36,046 --> 00:15:37,145
his uncle runs a place.
368
00:15:37,213 --> 00:15:38,945
It's every Saturday for,
like, a few months.
369
00:15:39,012 --> 00:15:41,844
OK. And what lie were you
planning on telling me
370
00:15:41,912 --> 00:15:43,344
every time you snuck
out of the house?
371
00:15:43,412 --> 00:15:44,545
I hadn't thought of it yet.
372
00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:46,778
Probably something
medical, you know.
373
00:15:48,745 --> 00:15:50,844
Well... Doug...
374
00:15:50,912 --> 00:15:54,344
A liiittle scary
on the Doug there.
375
00:15:55,745 --> 00:15:58,511
Doug... honey...
376
00:15:58,579 --> 00:16:01,011
I can't support your
race car driving
377
00:16:01,079 --> 00:16:02,444
because I would rather support
378
00:16:02,512 --> 00:16:04,277
your continuing to live.
379
00:16:04,345 --> 00:16:07,310
I respect that, and I would ask
380
00:16:07,378 --> 00:16:08,911
that you would support me anyway
381
00:16:08,979 --> 00:16:12,012
because that is what a
supportive relationship
382
00:16:12,079 --> 00:16:13,878
indeed is.
383
00:16:13,946 --> 00:16:16,145
Hmm. OK.
384
00:16:16,212 --> 00:16:19,112
And in that same
supportive vein,
385
00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:21,211
would you go to La
Boheme with me?
386
00:16:21,279 --> 00:16:23,744
No, but thank you for asking.
387
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:29,410
Gee, it was so sweet of you
388
00:16:29,478 --> 00:16:31,012
to invite me to lunch, Carrie.
389
00:16:31,079 --> 00:16:32,112
Well, you're dating Spence,
390
00:16:32,178 --> 00:16:33,277
and he's our friend,
so, you know.
391
00:16:33,345 --> 00:16:35,845
Oh, so is this like a tradition?
392
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,310
Like, when Spence
gets a new girlfriend
393
00:16:37,378 --> 00:16:40,244
you take her to lunch
to check her out?
394
00:16:40,311 --> 00:16:43,244
Actually, it hasn't
come up that much.
395
00:16:43,311 --> 00:16:44,645
No. Yeah, no, I just wanted
396
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,277
to pick your brain
about something.
397
00:16:46,345 --> 00:16:47,544
Oh, well, fine.
398
00:16:47,612 --> 00:16:49,945
Just a leave a little for me.
Heh heh heh!
399
00:16:50,013 --> 00:16:52,045
Right. Right, right, right.
400
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,045
Listen, I noticed
that you and Spence
401
00:16:55,112 --> 00:16:56,945
really respect and
support each other.
402
00:16:57,013 --> 00:16:59,511
Oh, yeah. Um, in
our relationship,
403
00:16:59,578 --> 00:17:01,144
that's job one.
404
00:17:01,211 --> 00:17:02,778
OK, you see,
405
00:17:02,846 --> 00:17:05,012
now, I've been trying to do
that with Doug recently,
406
00:17:05,078 --> 00:17:07,845
and I gotta admit...
Not loving it.
407
00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:11,778
Well, I guess I feel that
way sometimes a little,
408
00:17:11,846 --> 00:17:13,111
but I just deal with it.
409
00:17:13,178 --> 00:17:14,210
How?
410
00:17:14,278 --> 00:17:15,344
Well, like, for instance,
411
00:17:15,411 --> 00:17:17,444
this Sunday is our
6-week anniversary,
412
00:17:17,512 --> 00:17:19,377
and, um, Spence is missing it
413
00:17:19,445 --> 00:17:21,778
to go to his Dark
Shadows convention.
414
00:17:23,612 --> 00:17:26,044
But I'm OK with that because I
know it's important to him.
415
00:17:26,112 --> 00:17:27,310
Dark Shadows? What is that?
416
00:17:27,378 --> 00:17:31,111
Um, it was, like, a soap
opera a long time ago
417
00:17:31,178 --> 00:17:34,377
with, um, vampires, I think.
418
00:17:34,445 --> 00:17:37,344
But, um, like I said,
I'm OK with it
419
00:17:37,411 --> 00:17:39,544
because I know it's
important to him.
420
00:17:39,612 --> 00:17:40,577
You see, that's what I'm talk...
421
00:17:40,646 --> 00:17:41,711
I wish I could be like that.
422
00:17:41,779 --> 00:17:43,111
I mean, if it was my
boyfriend, I'd say,
423
00:17:43,178 --> 00:17:46,577
"You selfish jerk! You're
gonna spend our anniversary"
424
00:17:46,646 --> 00:17:49,444
"with a bunch of dorks dressed
up like Count Chocula?"
425
00:17:51,879 --> 00:17:53,745
"OK, freak, have a good time,
426
00:17:53,812 --> 00:17:54,911
"because when you get back,
427
00:17:54,978 --> 00:17:57,277
I'm gonna punch your
fangs down your throat."
428
00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,511
Oh, well. Can you
pass the ketchup?
429
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,511
I don't know what got into her.
430
00:18:10,578 --> 00:18:12,977
Suddenly, I gotta miss the
DarkShadows convention
431
00:18:13,045 --> 00:18:14,477
for our 6-week anniversary,
432
00:18:14,545 --> 00:18:17,611
and she threatened to punch
my fangs down my throat.
433
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,845
It was very disturbing.
434
00:18:19,912 --> 00:18:22,812
Something wrong
with your Whopper?
435
00:18:22,879 --> 00:18:24,477
No. Why?
436
00:18:24,545 --> 00:18:27,144
Because it's still there.
437
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,745
You know what it is?
The pre-dinner Whopper
438
00:18:30,812 --> 00:18:32,410
was my favorite part of the day,
439
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:34,011
but now that I don't have
to hide it from Carrie,
440
00:18:34,078 --> 00:18:38,111
it's just a gross,
disgusting habit.
441
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:41,143
It was always that.
442
00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:45,077
I know, but all the
hiding, all the deceit,
443
00:18:45,145 --> 00:18:47,411
that's what made it so great.
444
00:18:47,478 --> 00:18:51,645
I gotta tell you, I miss
the thrill of the dance.
445
00:18:51,712 --> 00:18:53,711
You know, Dark Shadows
is not Star Trek.
446
00:18:53,779 --> 00:18:56,244
I mean, they don't have
conventions every week.
447
00:18:56,311 --> 00:18:57,377
If I miss this one,
448
00:18:57,445 --> 00:18:59,077
I'm looking at a
3-year dry spell.
449
00:18:59,145 --> 00:19:02,745
I cannot survive in
just the chat rooms!
450
00:19:02,812 --> 00:19:05,211
Will you quit bitching
about it already?
451
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:08,311
Hey, I blew 70 bucks on a
Barnabas Collins costume,
452
00:19:08,379 --> 00:19:10,511
and now it's worthless!
It's just worthless.
453
00:19:10,579 --> 00:19:13,211
So go to the stupid convention.
454
00:19:13,279 --> 00:19:15,244
I can't! Denise'll hate me.
455
00:19:15,312 --> 00:19:16,910
Please, this is so
easy to pull off.
456
00:19:16,978 --> 00:19:18,678
What are you talking about?
457
00:19:18,745 --> 00:19:20,144
You just have somebody
from work call you,
458
00:19:20,212 --> 00:19:22,144
and you make sure
Denise picks up.
459
00:19:22,212 --> 00:19:23,910
Then the work friend
pretends to be
460
00:19:23,978 --> 00:19:25,211
from the Dark
Shadows convention,
461
00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:26,678
says she's sorry to
hear you're canceling.
462
00:19:26,745 --> 00:19:28,211
Denise'll be so touched,
463
00:19:28,279 --> 00:19:29,810
she'll think you're the
greatest guy in the world.
464
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,311
A few days later,
465
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:32,744
you have the same person call,
466
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:34,344
leave another message
saying she's sorry,
467
00:19:34,412 --> 00:19:36,578
but they can't refund your
money like they thought.
468
00:19:36,645 --> 00:19:37,678
Denise'll feel so bad,
469
00:19:37,745 --> 00:19:40,944
she'll send you there
in a freakin' limo.
470
00:19:41,011 --> 00:19:43,044
That was brilliant.
471
00:19:43,145 --> 00:19:45,544
I know.
472
00:19:51,345 --> 00:19:52,877
Carrie: Hey. Hey.
473
00:19:52,945 --> 00:19:54,544
Did you have a good afternoon?
474
00:19:54,612 --> 00:19:55,811
Yeah. How about you?
475
00:19:55,878 --> 00:19:57,644
Yeah, I did.
476
00:19:57,712 --> 00:20:00,678
Well, I see you... You
had a Whopper again.
477
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:05,611
Um, no, actually, I
didn't have a Whopper.
478
00:20:05,679 --> 00:20:07,010
What are you talking about?
479
00:20:07,078 --> 00:20:09,143
I am staring directly
at a piece of lettuce,
480
00:20:09,211 --> 00:20:10,678
and the only lettuce
you let come near you
481
00:20:10,744 --> 00:20:13,110
is on a hamburger.
482
00:20:13,178 --> 00:20:15,377
You know, I was thinking
about what you said,
483
00:20:15,445 --> 00:20:17,444
and you're right. I should
start eating healthier,
484
00:20:17,512 --> 00:20:20,077
so I, uh... I got a salad.
485
00:20:20,145 --> 00:20:22,477
A salad? Yeah.
486
00:20:22,545 --> 00:20:24,310
Ohh. What kind of salad?
487
00:20:25,645 --> 00:20:27,944
Insalata primavera.
488
00:20:28,012 --> 00:20:29,944
So you only had a salad today?
489
00:20:30,011 --> 00:20:31,077
That's all.
490
00:20:31,145 --> 00:20:32,644
Hmm. Oh!
491
00:20:32,711 --> 00:20:36,010
What's this ketchup
packet doing here?
492
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:40,744
I made my own Russian dressing.
493
00:20:43,711 --> 00:20:45,177
What kind of salad you
say you had again?
494
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,844
Insalata primavera.
495
00:20:46,911 --> 00:20:48,444
Insalata primavera. OK.
496
00:20:48,512 --> 00:20:50,177
Excuse me.
497
00:20:51,645 --> 00:20:53,044
Uh, Doug? Yeah?
498
00:20:53,112 --> 00:20:56,844
If you're lying, I will find
out, and I will kill you.
499
00:20:58,278 --> 00:21:00,177
I know you will, honey. I know.
500
00:21:00,244 --> 00:21:01,977
OK.
501
00:21:04,711 --> 00:21:06,310
Hmph!
502
00:21:08,378 --> 00:21:11,010
And we're back.
503
00:21:15,611 --> 00:21:17,377
You get some slut from work
504
00:21:17,445 --> 00:21:19,277
to make fake phone
calls for you?!
505
00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:21,244
What kind of an idiot
do you think I am?!
506
00:21:21,311 --> 00:21:22,910
If you ever pull a
stunt like that again,
507
00:21:22,978 --> 00:21:26,710
I will beat you to within
an inch of your life!
508
00:21:26,778 --> 00:21:28,377
Yeah!
509
00:21:42,445 --> 00:21:43,910
Man On TV: Fort Lauderdale!
510
00:21:43,978 --> 00:21:46,977
Full of coeds and possibilities!
511
00:21:47,045 --> 00:21:48,378
Hey, what's your name?
512
00:21:48,446 --> 00:21:49,743
Woman on TV: Lonnie.
513
00:21:49,811 --> 00:21:51,444
Looking good!
514
00:21:53,244 --> 00:21:56,311
Doug, this is not
Terms of Endearment.
515
00:21:57,911 --> 00:21:59,410
Oh, crap.
36832
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