Original subtitles

Please sir!

For pity's sake, she's our only child!

Have mercy!

There is no mercy for the undead.

Honey, are you ok?

Yeah. Just uh, a bad dream.

Sounds like a real doozy. You want to talk about it?

No, I'll be fine.

I'm gonna go check on Anastasia.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Oh... Ok.

Anna-banana? It's still daylight.

Put your phone away and get some shut eye.

You've got a busy night ahead.

Yes, Daddy.

Phone off. That's twice you're busted.

Ah, shit. Blood suckers.

Better watch it you don't end up

staking yourself in the heart there, Count.

Oh, I'm not a Count. Chuck Belasko.

Doug Roach.

Vampire Americans, am I right?

Yeah, you betcha. How'd you guess?

You're shitting me, right?

I mean, you got the map of Transylvania plastered all over your faces.

If you wouldn't mind cooling it on the yard work?

Yeah, sorry, I guess I lost track of time.

Didn't lose track so much as you were following the rules.

Like the one that says your kind sleep in coffins during the day.

During the sunlight hours, that's correct.

Because if the sunlight hits ya, you melt.

Decompose into a miasma putrid decay.

Also correct.

My wife lost her favorite uncle that way.

Made a slight miscalculation during daylight savings and uh-

I don't give a shit.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of the missus, this is my wife, Helena.

Countess?

Professor.

Helena and I teach night classes.

At Horlicks.

- Yeah, department of... - Zoology.

Oh yes, this is our own little ray of moonlight, Anastasia.

Goes by Anna. Anna-banana.

Alex...

Mind your own.

Alright, well it was...

Well, chin up.

He'll come around once he gets to know us.

After all, we're the Belaskos.

- Yes, we are. - Mmmhmm.

Bring it in for a family cheer. A little pound.

- Bring it in. - Yes.

- Ok. - Here it comes.

Here we go.

Look who is up.

Good evening, sleepy head.

So, there is a 24-hour gym less than a mile from here.

I was wondering if it would be alright if I joined?

I can pay for it myself with my babysitting stash.

Not yet.

We don't want you venturing off

until we get a proper feel for the neighborhood.

Then what am I supposed to do all night

while you guys are at work?

Well you've got your lesson plans.

Not to mention that phone that you've got grafted to your hand.

You guys swore that Mapleton would be different.

It is different.

This is a fully integrated neighborhood.

So was the last one. I fucking hate being undead.

That is a little dramatic.

And it'll cost you a buck.

That's one diddly-dollar in the cuss jar, young lady.

Mm, where do you think you're going?

Take a wild guess. Fucking nowhere.

My. Someone slept on the wrong side of the coffin.

Oh shit!

Oh my god, oh my god! Don't fucking kill me!

I fucking won't!

Jesus, dude! Take a chill pill.

What are you even doing over here?

Well, I saw you up on the roof...

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I heard you.

You did?

Yeah. I hear everything, whether I want to or not.

You're like a goddamn super hero.

Nope, just a girl. Anna.

I'm Alex.

Do you mind?

Oh, yeah. Here.

Thanks.

It's, uh, nice to see a friendly face, for once.

Yeah. But it's not gonna be the last once school starts up.

Oh, it won't for me. I'm home-schooled.

Oh, because of the whole sunlight thing.

I'm a night owl myself.

I could give you a midnight tour of the neighborhood

if you're up for it.

Wouldn't your father disapprove?

One hundred percent.

- What about yours? - One hundred percent.

So, I'm not totally clear on the rules.

Are you aloud to have ice cream?

Yeah. Yeah, when I'm in the mood for it.

That's good.

Well, uh, Molly's floats are to die for.

Oh, fuck! Shit! I'm not trying to say...

No, it's okay, Alex. I know what you mean.

And it's no worries, you know?

A Belasko hasn't drank human blood in over a century.

Not to mention that it's illegal and totally disgusting.

Good to know.

They're open late on Saturdays, so maybe we could go after dark?

Yeah. Maybe not.

Small town peeps can be a little dickish.

Yeah. Big town peeps can too.

I swear, I just want to fly away.

Run away where they'll never find me.

Yeah, take me with you.

Deal.

So, this is the last stop on the tour.

Mapleton's version of Disneyland.

Uh, I'm about it. Yeah, I like it.

My mom, she used to take me here.

Yeah, I lost her when I was seven, but...

Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry.

How?

She had a back ticker.

You, you're lucky that you never have to lose a parent.

Alex, that's a myth.

We die too, it just takes us a little bit longer.

Oh no, don't!

Please don't.

I don't really come out in pictures, it's...

That's uh... that's tragic.

I'll tell you what. I'll be your mirror.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Ok. How do I look?

Well you look scalding.

You up for a free ride?

Yeah.

Hold on, it goes really extremely fast.

Okay.

Well, I kind of feel like a wimp now.

Hold onto your vagina. I got this.

- Hop on. - Ok, alright.

Yeah.

What's with Anna-banana?

She's been skipping breakfast lately.

Hm.

She watching her waist?

More like the boy next door.

The roach kid?

Mmhmm. That scares me.

What's so scary about love?

It's not love that I'm afraid of.

They're never gonna accept us, Chuck.

No matter how hard we try to fit in.

Hate is thicker than blood.

I might need to do it.

Uh, woah, I think we just did.

No, not that.

I mean, the gift you know?

I wanna... I wanna become like you.

You think it's a gift?

To never see a sunrise?

To be hunted and persecuted wherever you go?

If that's what it takes to be yours, then yeah.

You're already mine, dummy.

We're just on different time zones.

You know that thing that you were saying about,

uh, like, running away?

Were you serious?

It's all I ever think about.

Where would you go?

Alaska.

Why? What's in Alaska?

Six months of continuous night.

So there.

And what would we do for the other six months?

We could hibernate. Five times a day.

Dude, what the fuck? What are you doing?

Checking for hickies, stupid. What do you think?

Still got your junk down there

or did your girlfriend bite it off, huh?

Sick.

Me?

I'm not the one playing hide the salami with a walking corpse.

Alex, son, you have no idea what you are dealing with.

Like you do?

Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

You know, I never told you how your mother actually died.

Ten years ago, she was attacked by one of those things.

All the blood drained from her body.

But the nightmare didn't end there, no sir.

It was just the beginning.

The night of her funeral, your mother came home.

Little boy, let me in. Mommy's so cold.

You know, I still see her wearing the dress

that we buried her in?

She came for you, Alex. Her only child.

So...

I did what any man would do

and I drove a stake through that thing's heart.

You killed my mother?

I released her!

Open it.

What am I supposed to do with this?

I think you know.

You would be doing that girl a favor.

She does not want to be the way she is.

It is unnatural.

There is no mercy for the undead.

Destroy her, son, or someone else will do it for you.

I'm not your fucking son.

Doug Roach here.

You up for a little hunting excursion?

Yeah, getting the band back together.

Just like old times.

What are we gunning for?

Leaches. And they're looking to breed.

Hello, darling.

Anna!

Anna!

Fuck!

Make some noise when you do that, please.

Boo. What is going on?

It's my old man. Bad shit is about to go down.

We need to go now. Tonight, like now.

Alex, that's crazy.

I can't just leave, what about my parents?

Oh, don't worry.

We'll be visiting them soon enough.

How did you find us?

There's a tracker on your phone, stupid.

Hey, get that out of her face

or I'll stick it up your fucking ass!

Alex!

No!

Alex!

Now look what you did.

Please, it doesn't have to be this way.

You can just let us be.

Let you be? Why?

So your kind can pollute the world?

Not on my watch, sweetie.

We didn't start this war but we sure as shit gonna end it.

Hold still.

I'll make this fast.

She can't be far, spread out. Spread out.

You're all gonna die tonight.

Don't worry, I'll make this fast.

Oh god, Alex.

You're like a goddamn super hero.

Alex, your heart.

We have to get you to a hospital.

I don't think I can look.

The sun's coming up, you have to go.

Shh, stop, stop, stop.

- No please, you have to go. - Don't talk.

You'll die if I go.

You're gonna die if you stay.

Hey.

It's even more beautiful than I imagined.

Please, please save him!

Alaska, okay?

I'm so there.

Hello?

What the hell is this?

I can't move my...

Somebody better tell me what the hell's going on around here,

and fast!

Look who's up.

Chuck, Helena.

I don't know what you think you're doing

but you have about two seconds

to undo these chains or I swear to god,

I will sue your asses back to Transylvania.

We're not from Transylvania, Doug.

We're from Pennsylvania.

Oh, who...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You gotta be shitting me!

Oh shoot. It's another blood sucker.

There goes the neighborhood.

Son... Alex.

Undo these chains... Please.

And infect our town?

No, no, no, no. Not that.

Show a little mercy.

There is no mercy for the undead.

No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!!!

Damn, why don't you leave some drops for the rest of us?

We got more coming, let's move.

Oh, nice!

Dave, Dave, Dave...

Hey, hey, hey! Check this out.

Shit.

Sorry guys, my dad just came in and totally broke my focus.

Hold on a sec.

Behold.

Sorry guys, I'll catch y'all at school tomorrow.

Nice relic.

Woah, is this you?

Hey, your old man had the highest score in the southwest.

I'd have won the national championship

if they hadn't have canceled it.

And for some reason they pulled all the copies of the game

off the shelves and buried them in the desert

and didn't tell anyone why.

Weird Wednesday. Sounds dumb.

Wait, Dad. Dad what are you doing?

You are gonna love it.

This game requires laser focus and iron will.

It's a game that's not balanced and not fair.

Brutal in its simplicity.

There's no way some old 8-bit clunker

is gonna be harder than Sentinel Strike.

Ok, well you just watch.

So, what do you do?

You just gotta get across town.

That sounds terrible.

No, no, no. That's the beauty of it.

Simplicity.

You never know what is going to kill you.

The newspaper, the raccoon in the trash,

the toaster oven.

It could even be the lamp.

I mean, you have no idea what is deadly.

So how do you win?

I don't know.

I mean, no player's ever reached the final level before.

The competition was always high score.

Ok.

Now, just like riding a bike.

Ok, ok, you laugh, but it's been 30 years

since I played this game, remember?

It's all coming back to me,

I just need to sharpen up a little.

Come on, let me try.

Oh! Oh, shit, this is hard.

Yeah, I told you.

Oh!

Ah, dang.

What does JEF spell?

Well, savor it while it lasts, it's gonna be mine soon.

Did you see it?

No, what was on it?

It was like this weird little drawing of the teacher.

Hey! You guys gotta try this old game.

What game? Is it any good?

No, it's the worst.

You're just this little 8-bit dude

and you have to dodge flying toasters and stuff

but it's insanely hard.

Have you beat it yet?

Oh, it's impossible.

No one's ever made it to the final level.

Wait, I thought you said no game is impossible to beat?

Bet I can beat it first.

So competitive, Reina.

You know, that's why I broke up with you, right?

Oh, you broke up with me? I don't remember that.

I remember you crying, a lot.

Yeah.

And the flowers. Oh, and the love song.

Look out for the shovel!

I got it, I got it!

Oh!

You're doing great.

Savor it while it lasts, Dad,

that high score is gonna be mine soon.

No one can defeat me!

Oh, it's on.

On like Donkey Kong.

Oh, that's the delivery guy, I'll get it.

- Hey, Spencer. - What's up?

Reina, it's good to see you. Dave's down in the basement.

Hey, Mr. D. How're you holding up?

Ah, you know. Taking it one day at a time.

So, tell me honestly. How's Dave doing?

You should ask him that yourself.

Oh, I would, but he doesn't exactly talk to me.

Maybe just give him some time.

Yeah.

Look, I'm really glad that you guys stayed friends.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, what's up Reina?

I can't wait for you guys to play this.

It's ridiculous.

Aw!

Death by mailbox. Brutal.

Hey, good try.

I know a little trick to get past that level.

Oh, it's ok. You can, uh, just show me later.

Ok, um, I'll be just upstairs.

Oh, ok. Bye, Dad.

How do you beat that?

You'll get the hang of it. Here.

Yes! Oh my god. Yes!

Are you ok?

Boom! In your face!

I won. I won.

You just beat the final boss?

No, I beat you, Dad. I beat you.

Woah, ok, woah, woah.

Son, you didn't win, you just got the highest score.

But we still need to beat it.

Dad, it's impossible.

It literally says on the game,

"Never beaten by a single player."

It's like a feature.

Yeah, well not yet.

This game has met its match

with this awesome father/son duo, huh?

Um, I think I'm gonna head to bed.

Uh...

Check this out.

I got a console and a copy of the game off eBay.

Seller listed it crazy cheap. And it was cursed or something.

Like, the game murdered her kids.

- Okay. - So many whack-jobs on there.

And look, it came with a cheat code.

Oh, come on. You know cheater wins don't count.

- Yeah, straight facts. - Whatever. Oh, my gosh.

What's up?

Nothing, just my dad.

Aren't you going to respond?

Oh! Cold!

You know, your dad's pretty cool, for a dad.

He's not cool. He's nice.

Still cuts the crusts off my sandwiches.

They sound delicious.

They are, but like, never lets me do anything.

Won't even let me take my driver's test.

You're his baby and he's lonely.

Lucky me.

Hey, Reina can I borrow your system?

What? No way. I just got it.

Plus, I need to crush Dave's high score.

Put him in his place.

Fair and square though. Better not use that cheat code.

Like I'd need it.

Come on, let me borrow it.

You said you had to study tonight anyway.

One night, nerd. One.

Hey, I missed you last night. What'd you get up to?

Just chilling at Reina's.

You two getting back together? She's great.

No, god dad.

We were just playing Weird Wednesday.

Are you ready to hunker down

for an all day, no-holds-barred rematch with your old man?

I'll pass.

Hey, Dave, look. I'll make you a deal.

Hey, you beat the game first,

I will take you to get your license.

What's the catch?

Well, if I win first,

you have to hang out with me every Friday night.

Deal?

Deal.

Did you use the cheat code?

There's a new character to choose from.

I didn't do anything. He just showed up.

Kind of looks like Spencer.

That asshole still has my console.

Oh, well I'll text him to bring it when he comes over.

Thanks. What's up with this new guy?

It's like he doesn't want to move or something.

Look at his face! So freaked out.

Come on dude, pick up.

Yo, Spencer, where you at, man?

Gotta come out to my house and check out this new character.

Ugh!

The freaking squirrel flew into my face.

Let me play.

Ah! Spencer's gotta see this.

Oh god. Every time.

It's the same thing every time.

Cheer up, take it.

Keep going, you got it.

- Ah! - Oh.

Ahh...

Oh man, what happened to the new guy?

This idiot is totally ghosting me.

Let's go get my console.

Dave, it's so good to see you. Hey, Reina.

Spencer's not answering his phone.

Have you seen him?

Uh no, we haven't seen him. We thought he was here.

He was playing some old video game this morning

then he walked out and didn't come home.

He borrowed my game system actually, can I grab it?

Come on in, yeah.

Hey, if you see Spencer,

tell him to call me right away. Moms worry.

Sure, no problem.

Spencer's not usually so MIA.

He's probably hanging out with Jessica

and just doesn't want his mom to know.

Probably.

I gotta get back to playing the game.

My dad's on some new forest level now

I've never even seen before.

It's probably getting close to the final boss.

You know he just wants to spend time with you, right?

Too much time.

If he wins, I'm stuck with him every Friday night.

Woah.

Want some ice cream?

Damn.

Jeez.

I'm gonna go get some chips.

Come on.

Fuck it.

Alright.

What, what the hell?

Dave, why are you being so weird?

Are you on drugs? Dude, just sit down.

I can't. It's like someone's controlling me.

No one is controlling you.

You have like, free will, you know?

It's not funny.

It definitely is. What's up with the screen?

This some new mode?

I put in the cheat code.

Cheater!

The eBay seller said it was cursed, right?

You believe every dumbass on eBay?

I do now!

You're so high.

Nobody wins this game. Ever.

Chill. I'll just turn off the power.

Ok.

Ah!

Don't ever do that again.

You're in the game! Oh, fuck.

Dave, come back.

I can't!

Yeah.

Oh god.

I died.

I think you respawned.

What happens when I run out of lives?

Oh god. Spencer.

He ran out of lives and now he's dead.

Don't... run out of lives.

Reina!

Whoa!

Do something! I don't want to die again.

It hurts.

Wait, if you're the player, who's playing you?

Come on.

Come on, come on!

Fuck, fuck!

Argh! Stupid knife store.

Oh god. Oh god, oh god.

Last life. In it to win it.

Final boss, here I come.

What?

Woah.

Ugh!

Ah.

Thank god.

The new character's actually Dave.

He used the cheat code,

got sucked into the video game, and if you lose he'll die.

What?

Oh my god.

I'll unplug it.

No, trust me, that doesn't work.

We have to win.

Okay. Let's do it.

Two player?

Ok, I'm going in.

Mr. D, that's crazy.

You don't know what's gonna happen.

Well, I know that I have to try.

The game has never been beaten by a single player.

But, if we work together, we can beat it.

Hey, pal.

The game is harder than you thought, huh?

Hell yeah. I can move again.

Who's controlling me?

I was. We're in two player mode now.

You ready?

Let's do this.

Come on, guys!

Is that all you got?

Eat this, ET!

Dave!!!

Dad!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I'm sorry, son. I just wanted to protect you.

I love you.

You can do this.

I love you too, Dad.

Son!

Come on!

Hey, Dad, we win.

Yes!

So, what's next, Mr. Driver's License?

Just home. Reina's coming over.

Oh, you know what? Why don't you go pick her up?

Do something fun. As friends, of course.

I'll walk home.

Hey, Dad.

Uh, wanna play ball tomorrow or something?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that.