All language subtitles for You.Cant.Cheat.an.Honest.Man.1939.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.AVC.FLAC.2.0-EPSiLON.hi

Come on. Let's sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Well, then let's dance.

And I don't want to dance.

What's the matter
with you tonight?

Listen, I'm tired
of being subtle.

Scram. BOTP.

Beat it off of the porch.

All right, Phineas Whipsnade.

But let me tell you something.

I'll never buy gas
for your car again!

Aw.

Oh, do you care for some punch?

No, thanks.

Whoa. Positively
stuffy in there.

It was.

Yeah. I guess
my collar's wilted.

It was lucky I brought a change.
(CHUCKLES)

But as I was saying, you
know, Mother's gonna be

quite upset about not
being able to go to Europe.

Mmm. She'll miss
her Baden-Baden.

Uh, baths, you know?

Yeah, we're going
to Bermuda instead.

Oh, that'll be nice.

You know, you'd like Bermuda.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

Vicky, why don't you...

But, Roger,
I've changed my mind.

I believe I'll have
some punch now.

Punch?

Did you say "punch?" Hmm.

Oh. Excuse me.

Well? Oh, Phin.

Well, what?

When's the wedding?
What wedding?

You didn't turn him down again?

Phineas, I've told you
a million times...

I'm not in love with Roger.
So please forget it.

Love!

You give me a pain in the neck.

There's a guy that's gonna get a pile
of dough the day he gets married,

and he's just
begging you to take it.

Well, I'm not interested.

Oh. One sister, and
she has to be a halfwit.

VICTORIA: That's enough.

Listen, sister dear.

Roger's gonna get tired
of being pushed around,

and he's gonna grab
someone that isn't so dumb.

As usual, Phineas,
you have an angle?

Sure, I have.

Straight from the shoulder.

You get a rich husband, and I get
a swell job in his father's bank.

And I'm going inside.

Wait a minute, Vicky.

If you won't think of
your own future,

you might think of the old man.

What's Dad got to do with it?

Well, I happen to know he's
having a plenty tough time.

He could use a little help now,

after all he's gone through
to keep us in college.

His last letter said
everything was fine.

Sure.

His letter also said the circus
would be in Bridgetown yesterday.

But where was he?

I tell you, he's in
hock up to his ears.

I don't believe it.

Okay.

Go on your merry way and let the old
man wind up behind the eight ball.

Oop! I'm sorry.

Oh, Phineas. Hello, Roger.

Say, that's a swell new
car you got out there.

Sixteen cylinders.

It is? Mmm-hmm.

How's chances to use it
for a few minutes?

Oh, surely. Have the driver
take you anyplace you wanna go.

Gee, thanks.

Uh, who is it? New girl?

Same one. Oh.

(WHISTLES)

Where are we going?

Sorry to be so long, but
I was standing in a line.

(DRIVERS SHOUTING)

Come on. Step on it!
He'll get away!

We'll have to do better
than this, Sheriff.

He'll be across that state
line before we can get him.

I'm doing the best
I can, Mr. Burr.

Well, keep working on it.

Maybe you can get a little
more speed out of it.

I got her down on
the floorboard now.

Well, he got away from us.
This is as far as I can go.

I'll get him if I have to chase him
through every state in the Union.

Take me back to
the sheriff's office.

(CALLIOPE PLAYING)

BARKER: Here you are, folks.
Step right this way.

Step up and...

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SINGING)
My mother was a lady

(HUMMING)

Seventy...

Seventy five, 80. Almost 90.

(BELL GONGS)

Get your tickets
at the box office!

The big show is about to...

What's that, little girl?

No, I'm not the Good Humor man.

The big show is about to start!

WOMAN: One 50, center, please.

Thank you very much, lady.

Here's a seat right down
in front of the elephants.

See the whole show from there.

(BELL GONGS) MAN: Two.

Two? Thank you very much.

There you are. One right down
in front of the elephants.

(RATTLING)

Count your...

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Count your change before
leaving the window.

MAN: Thank you.

One right in front of the elephants.
(STOOL CRASHING)

Yep, the big show
is now going on!

No mistakes rectified
after once leaving...

Pardon me, I'm...

(BELL GONGS)

Wish you fellas would...

(CLANGING)

Count your... Keep your
hands off my lunch, will you?

(BELL GONGS)

Count your change
before leaving the window.

Thank you.

(BALLOONS POPPING)

(MUTTERING)

What are you doing there?

You don't want no trouble
with the unions, do you?

Oh, I got it. I pay union wages.

Yeah, but which kind,
the maxium or the minium?

(LAUGHS)
"The maxium or the minium?"

You slay me. (GROANS)

Godfrey Daniel,
what's going on here now?

What's the idea?

Oh, I'm Colonel Dalrymple's nephew,
Chester, your new assistant.

Well, that doesn't give you
the right to kiss me, does it?

Hey, you got a match?

Yeah.

Count your change
before leaving the window!

Mister, don't you remember?

I'm supposed to pay you $8 a
week to learn me this business.

Wait a minute.
You can't do that!

Oh, yes, yes. The union says...

You keep out of this!

No, I won't keep out of it!

The union says the minium wage on
assistants is 15 smacks a week!

Oh, ho, he's right. He's right.

I beg your pardon, I beg
your pardon, young man.

He's quite right, 15.
How much you got there?

And 10... (MUMBLES)

Fourteen dollars.

Another dollar, please.

Fifteen is right, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right.
Uh, 15.14...

Have you a half a dollar?

Hey, I don't get it.

I got it, and I'm
gonna keep it too.

(BALLOON POPPING) Count your
change before leaving the window.

Two four bit ducats.

Oh, thank you very much.

A 10 dollar bill.

Ten smackers,
thank you very much.

There you are, that's one.

That's two.

Three.

Uh, pardon me.

Got a little pneumonia here.

WHIPSNADE: Two, three, four.

Come on! Step on it!

I won't walk another step.

Make him drag ya, lady.
He got ya drunk.

(CHUCKLING)

Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10.

You gave me a $20 bill? Did you?
Ten and 10 are 20.

Count your change
before leaving the window.

Now you take the Wagner Act.

You take 'em.
We had 'em last summer.

The worst acrobats I ever saw.

Liquor addicts!

That guy talks too much.

He counted "three, four, five" three times.
Did ya hear him?

Yeah. Is it
dishonest to keep it?

He'd do the same thing to us
wouldn't he, if he had a chance.

Here, I'll split with ya.

One, two...

Why, there's only
five dollars here.

He's doubled the bills. Look.

You mean he's crooked us?

He thinks he has. Come on.

Listen, you'll hear from me!

That's fine.
Don't telegraph, write.

(DOOR SLAMMING) (BELL CLANGING)

(POUNDING)

There's been a mistake
in my change.

Ah, at long last, an honest man.

Wanna return some money?

No, I'm short!

Don't brag about it. I'm
only five feet eight myself.

I mean I'm short in my money.

No mistakes rectified after
once leaving the window!

You're dishonest.

"Dishonest?" Meshach,
Shadrach and Abednego!

You cheated us.

Sir, you impugn my honor.

As my dear old grandfather
Litvak said,

just before
they sprung the trap,

he said, "You can't
cheat an honest man."

"Never give a sucker an even
break or smarten up a chump."

We want what's comin' to us.

I'm gonna get it too!

You are? Oh, yeah.

You too? Yep. Come
on, give it to us!

You are certainly
both gonna get it.

You're welcome.
(PATRONS LAUGHING)

What do you mean by creating a disturbance?
You can't do this.

Come on! Wait!

You big schnozzle!
Get outta here!

He cheated us!
"Big schnozzle," eh?

That's libelous!

Demon rum. My heart bleeds
for those poor boys. Ticket?

I tell you, we're being gypped.

Yeah. It looks like it.

We do all the work,
and we don't get any money.

I know. I'll have
to talk to Whipsnade.

Talk? Action,
that's what we need.

Well, what can we do?

Well, I've been
reconnoitering, see,

and I know where
he keeps his money.

Charlie. So what? Huh?

Well, I wanna get
my lunch hooks on it.

You stay away
from that box office.

Bergen, you gotta fight fire
with fire, crooks with crookery.

Oh, forget it.

Bergen? Yes?

You know, he takes a
shower every day at 2:00.

I said, forget it.

Oh, all right, all right.

Just thinking, that's all.

Giddap, Napoleon.
(CLICKING TONGUE)

(HUMMING)

Thank you. Step right up.

The big show is how going on!
Thank you.

It's time for the
sideshow, Mr. Rib steak!

"Rib steak."

You don't mean sirloin with
onions by any chance, do you?

It's Whipsnade!

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Gimme that ticket, you lug!

Gimme that ticket, you coot!

WHIPSNADE: Give it to me!

(GROANS) You've broken
my metatarsal bone!

This way, ladies and
gentlemen, this way.

Right up on this platform.

The world's greatest novelty.

The Pronkwonk Twins!

Elwood and Brentwood.

Elwood is 10 minutes
older than Brentwood,

and has been in
a hurry ever since.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Brentwood, is the smallest
giant in the world,

whilst his brother, Elwood, is
the largest midget in the world.

They baffle science.

I tell ya, he's dishonest.
Quiet.

Chief, listen to that guy lie.

Quiet, you termites
flophouse. (WHISPERS)

Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?

That's the last straw!
That little... I'm going...

Now if you'll take one short
step with me, to the next...

(COUGHS) (GROANS)

(LAUGHING)

Upsydaisy!

CHARLIE: What a flopperoo!

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen.

On this platform,

we have the Great Edgar
and his whispering pine,

Charlie McCarthy.
They baffle science.

Are you eating a tomato,
or is that your nose?

Shh! CHARLIE: Oh.

(LAUGHING)

Very good. Very good, Charles.

You must come down with me after
the show to the lumberyard,

and ride piggyback
on the buzz saws.

Nobody's gonna
find me after the show.

Oh, yes, they are.

You'll be hanging in my
window as a Venetian blind.

(GASPING) That makes me shudder.

Quiet, or I'll throw
a woodpecker on you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

So help me, I'll clip that guy!

I'll mow him down,
that's what I'll do!

Now just be quiet.
Yes, well, I don't care.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
for my first experiment,

I want to call your attention
to this mystic cabinet.

Mystic? Hooey!

This cabinet is
entirely unprepared.

So are you.

It consists of three walls...

And a false bottom.

You can see it right down there.

Ow! You stop that!

Will you stop that? All right.

And now, this, ladies and
gentlemen, is the little maharajah.

Where? No, no, you.

Me? Yes, of course.

Oh, yes, yes. How do you do?

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, hello!

Hello.

(SWOONING)

All right.
Will you sit back there.

My right name is Charlie McCarthy,
but I don't get any billing.

Oh, will you please sit back and
let me finish this experiment?

(JABBERING)

Uh, now we'll go ahead,

and I will cause this little
man to completely disappear.

You'll do what?
Yes, and then reappear.

Well, you'd better. Yeah.

Bet him 8 to 5 he can't do
it and I'll double cross him.

Will you please? Are you ready?

Huh? Are you ready?

For lunch? No, no, no.

The experiment.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Go ahead, buddy. Take it away.

Wait, wait, wait.
What's your phone number?

Oh! Will you pull it?

All right, will you sit back?
Okay.

Now we'll go...

Don't go away!

(HUMMING)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING)

I now call upon the powers
of Yaga Bomba. Go!

(CHARLIE COUGHING)

CHARLIE: One smoked ham,
coming up.

Quiet, quiet.

And now to prove that
the cabinet is empty,

and that the maharajah
has disappeared,

I will force this sword
right through...

CAHRLIE: Not yet. Not yet.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hurry up.

One, two...

Okay. Ouch!

And there you see for yourself.

He has gone.

And now as quickly as the bullet
flies from the magic pistol,

the maharajah shall
return to his throne.

(GUNSHOT)

CHARLIE: Oh, you got me!

And there he is.

What are you doing here? Hmm?

I said, "What are
you doing here?"

Well, I don't know.
You don't know?

No, um, Charlie set it up.

Oh, so Charlie's
in back of this?

Is he?

Well, he said it would make
the trick twice as good.

He did? Yeah.

Well, you've made the
trick just twice as bad.

Tsk. Well, is that so? Yes.

Well, I knew it was
twice as something.

Yes. Well, now will you
please get out of here?

Yes, ma'am.

Charlie, will you let me down?

(SCREAMS)

CHARLIE: Why don't you
look where you're going?

MORTIMER: You wanted me to...

That concludes my performance,
ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

(DUMMIES ARGUING)

The big show is how going on!

BOY: Telegram for
Larceny Whipsnake.

Count your change before
leaving the box office.

Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

Uh, street daven.

Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

Uh, messenger boy.

Thank you.

Larceny Whipsnake?

Gimme that telegram.

It's not "Larceny."
It's Larson E.

And it's not "Whipsnake.”
It's Whipsnade.

Okay, snake, how about a tip?

I'll give ya a tip.

I'll part your hair
with a wagon tongue.

It's an air raid!

(HORN SQUEAKING)

Wish that was a gun. I'd shoot
you deader than a mackerel!

That's what
I'd do to you, you...

(RATTLING)

What's that?

Well, I guess you're satisfied.

That's what I thought.

I wanna tell ya something.

As long as you're with this
show, cut out those peccadilloes.

There's too much
of the tomboy in you.

Get me up! Get me up!
Gimme a hand!

(SCREAMING) (GROWLING)

MAN: How about a ticket?

(GRUNTING) I've got
a dog on my foot here!

No mistakes... (SCREAMING)

Once leaving the box office!

(MUTTERING)

(GROWLING)

Get out!

No mistakes rectified!

Boss? Yeah?

It's time for your bath, sir.

How time flies.

Seems only yesterday
it was Monday.

You sure runs on schedule.

Yes, I do, yes, I do, yes.

Don't open that door
till I come back.

I can hear the bell.

Hey, boss. Huh?

Just wanna tell ya the sword
swallower's got tonsillitis.

Can't go on.

Tears of Falstaff.

I haven't swallowed
a sword in 20 years.

I'm taking on the personality
of a Mexican jumping bean.

First the contortionist
gets rheumatism.

Then the sword swallower
gets tonsillitis.

Hope nothing happens
to that fan dancer.

Till I get rid of
this cold, anyway.

What is that? (SNIFFING)

Ah, c'est bon.

That's what you say in French.

Perfume de la
mountain goat.

Come on, Queenie.

Let go of that
provender and give.

Give, Queenie!

Give, Queenie! Come on!

Good girl!

Hold it in your trunk a
little while longer this time.

Kinda heat it up a bit.

(SINGING)
I'd rather have two girls.

At 21 each.

Than one girl at 42.

Enough!

Gimme a towel.

These towels aren't big
enough to dry your face on.

Maybe you better use less water.

Quite an idea. (BELL GONGING)

Uh-huh.

(WOMEN SHRIEKING)

Look out, boss, look out.
Look out! Look out!

What is it? Those ladies.

Oh. I thought those
cassowaries got loose again.

You better put on your
robe before you catch cold.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you.

Uh-oh.

Uh-huh and uh.

CHARLIE: Forty cents
and five makes 45.

Five more makes
half a buck. Whoo!

Money, money, money, money.

Beautiful Whipsnade
money. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, help!

(WHIPSNADE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

CHARLIE: Help, Bergen!
Help, help, help!

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Charlie?

Have you seen Charlie? No.

Charlie?

Have you seen Charlie?
No. I haven't.

Charlie?

Bergen! Bergen! (ROARING)

Blacaman! Blacaman! Blacaman!

The lions have got Charlie!

Oh.

Poor Charlie.

Well, that's that.

CHARLIE: Bergen! Bergen!

Help! Help!

Charlie? Charlie?

Well, it's about time
you got here.

Well, which one are you in?

CHARLIE: How do I know?
Get me out of all of them.

Blacaman!

Well, how did you get in there?

CHARLIE: Don't change
the subject.

How do I get out?

Charlie's in one
of these animals.

CHARLIE: Ah, come on, boys.

I'm just north of his liver.

Oh, oh, my.

(ALLIGATOR HISSING)
CHARLIE: Come in.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Will you fellas help him?

We'll have you out
in a minute, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Yeah, all right.
I wish I had a flashlight.

Okay. Oh.

(GROANING)

Ah. Easy, boys, easy.

What are you doing,
dancing or wrestling?

(GROANING)

Easy, boys. Easy, boys.

CHARLIE: Easy. Oh.

Oh. (GROANING)

Ah, ah! Ah, daylight.

Oh, Blackie, old boy. Boy.

Wait a minute, Blackie.
My foot's caught on a tonsil.

(JABBERING)

Open it up! Open up!

Open it up! Open up!

Ah! Oh, don't do that,
Blackie. Leave it open.

Get me outta here.
Get me outta here.

(PANTING)

(CHARLIE GROANING)

Oh, you dog you!

(SPITS) Oh.

Oh, dear. Oh. Oh.

You'll be all right
in a few minutes.

I never want to go through
anything like that again.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SCREAMING)
Oh, excuse me, Blackie.

You'll be all right. Yeah.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Pay attention.
(CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yeah, well,
I didn't go in there.

Whipsnade threw me in.

Whipsnade? Yeah.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

That goes double, the snake.

Yes. You say Whipsnade
threw you in?

Yes, he did.

Why? I don't know.

I'm innocent. Innocent.

Yes. Charlie?

Charlie, look at me. What?

Have you been in
that box office again?

Uh... Yes. Yes, I have.

Haven't I told you...

Yeah, but I didn't get anything.

Oh, but Whipsnade caught you.

Yes, he did. Yes.

What did you say?

I told him he owed us money
and that I wanted action.

Mmm. And?

And believe me,
I certainly got it.

Have you seen those things? Oh!

You'll be all right now.

Well, Charlie, this
has gone far enough.

Uh. You mean we can pack up?

Well, we'll pack after
the next performance.

Oh, thank you.
Let's get outta here.

You know, my life
ain't worth a dime.

MEN: (SINGING)
Goin' to work all night.

Goin' to work all day.

Makes no difference
what the boss man say.

Ya ain't gonna
get no pay.

Break it up, break it up.

Say, who's the head
Ubangi around here?

The head what? The head Igorote.

You ain't by chance referring to one
of us little colored boys, are you?

No, I'm referring
to the head Ubangi.

I wanna tell him how
to make an easy five dollars.

Oh, you mean the head Ubangi!

The head Igorote!

Uh, look here. Yeah.
I assumes that portfolio.

All you gotta do is hold
an apple on your head.

Oh, that's easy.

I bound around the ring on
a wild Percheron stallion.

Then I take my 404 elephant
gun and I try to...

I try to shoot
an apple off your head.

Try?

Somebody's been foolin'
with that, yeah.

What are you looking around there for?
There's nobody there.

There must be.
You ain't talkin' to me.

Yeah. I'll tell you what to do.

Get a dozen or two apples,

because I may miss
eight or nine...

Hey, Haille!

(FANFARE)

(HUMMING)

Act nonchalant.

Ladies and gentlemen!

The next act on the
program is Buffalo Bella,

the only bearded lady
sharpshooter in the world!

Here he comes now. Here he comes.
Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

(SINGING) Help yourself to
popcorn. The rocks are in the box

(HUMMING)

What is all this mumbling?

Uh, just singing.
That's all, singing.

Shh. Singing, singing.

All right. All right. It's okay.

Come on, Pegasus!

Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the
largest Shetland pony in the world.

Come on, Pegasus!

Okay, ready, ready.

Re... Re... Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.

What, ready what?
That's his name, Red.

Oh. That's his name.

Uh...

Shooting glass balls
while perched on the back

of a wild Percheron pony!

(SINGING) And
name rhymes with aim.

And let her go.

Oh, a bull's-eye! (LAUGHING)

Evidently a Ubangi
in the fuel supply.

(LAUGHING) Oh... Ahem!

Hi... Hide it. (STUTTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Enjoying it?

Yes, yes, thank you. He's
very clever, isn't he?

Yes, he is. He seldom misses.
What?

Oh, I mean... He hasn't
hit anything yet.

What do you mean? Uh, quiet,
quiet, stranger, stranger.

What's that? I don't know the kid.
I don't know whose he is.

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

(SINGING) Oh, hi-dee
ho-dee. Better loadee.

I wish to reiterate,

whilst bounding around the
ring on this wild Percheron...

(SINGING) The coast is clear.

Oh, where there's smoke
there's fire.

I'd feel more rosy.

If you'd hit him
on the nosy.

Oh, zasu za...

Uh-oh!

Scram, kid. Scram, scram!

That, ladies and gentlemen,
concludes my performance.

(FANFARE) Oh!

I bagged a covey of acrobats!

I beg your pardon, miss. Huh?

Can you tell me where
I can find Whipsnade?

Uh... No.

My name's Shickelgruber.
Gretchel Shickelgruber.

Better known as Buffalo Bella.

I thought Buffalo Bella
was a bearded lady.

Uh, yes. I just came
from the barbershop.

Oh, he gave me such a
close shave, I feel naked.

Hey, uh, come here. Come here.

Wait a minute. No, wait.

I wanna tell you something.

I used to be one of
the Shickelgruber Sisters.

Remember the Shickelgruber Sisters?
High and lofty tumbling?

No, no, no. Slack wire?

Say, listen. Ground tumb...

Would you like to make a few
honest dollars for yourself?

Do they have to be honest?

I bought up the credit
accounts of this circus,

and I'm in control
of the situation.

Now, I'd like to buy up your
IOUs for 10 cents on the dollar.

When I own the circus, I'll make you
the star, give you half interest,

and we'll rename it
"Buffalo Bella's Wild West."

Won't that be ducky!
Oh, that would be wonderful!

Say, are you interested
in any other man?

Ahhh!

I'm not the girl you take
me for, you badems, you!

You badems!

You old badems! And you, too.

You badems, you! Ouch!

You badems!

I'm gonna take your watch
and put my picture in it!

I'll be back sometime, maybe.

Hello there, Miss Victoria!
How are ya?

Fine, Ernie, thanks.

You're quite a stranger
around here.

That's not my fault.

Hello, Bill. Hi, Henry.
Miss Victoria.

Murph! Gonna pass me
right up, were you?

Why, Miss Vicky,
I never knowed ya.

Oh, I'll forgive you if
you tell me where Dad is.

I reckon he oughta be in the
sideshow by now. Fine. See ya later.

Let go! Let go, I tell ya!

Oh, it's you. Not another cent.

You kids are disgusting!

Staggering around here all day,
reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

Come here! I don't want
it for candy! What?

My little dog died! (BAWLING)

Your dog died?
Well, I don't care.

Come here!

Your elephant stepped on him
and squashed him! (WAILING)

My elephant stepped on your dog
and squashed him? Where is he?

I shoved him under the door!

You shoved him under the door.
Ah, that's disgusting!

Here. Here's a quarter.
Buy another dog.

It ain't enough!

I want a big dog!

A big dog will bite you. Now
go ahead, get away from...

(SCREAMING) No!

Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it.

Go ahead. Go ahead
and buy your dog.

(LAUGHING)

Wait a minute!
That's your dog, isn't it?

I guess he got better.
Yeah, I guess he did.

Gimme back that money! Come here!
(SCREAMING)

What's this? (SPEAKING GERMAN)

Heh? Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Nothing's lost.

Everything's okay. (CHUCKLING)

Fortunate for you, you got a dress
on, or I'd bust ya in the nose.

And now you can
see for yourself.

He has gone. But as quickly as the
bullet flies from this magic pistol,

the maharajah will return.

CHARLIE: You missed me a mile.

And there he is. MAN: Where?

Well, I, uh... (CLEARS
THROAT) My friend,

we must not attempt to
understand the supernatural.

But at least he has disappeared.

Are there any questions?

CHARLIE: Yeah.
How do you get outta here?

Charlie, right here. Charlie.

Oh, where are you? In front.

Oh, Bergen, you don't know
what I've been through.

Well, now, come out of there.
Well, I can't come out.

Well, why not?
I'm caught on a nail.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.
Come in and I'll show you.

Charlie, come on out here.

Will you stop this monkey business?
Why?

We have to go on with the next trick.
What trick?

Well, it's where I saw you in two.
Oh, that oughta be...

You do what? Oh, no, you don't.
Charlie. Charlie.

Will you come out of there?
I'm not here.

Yes, you are. I'm in conference.

Say, whose idea
was that? Whipsnade's?

Yes. Yeah, that's enough.
Goodbye.

Charlie! Charlie!
Um, let go, Berg...

Hey, Rube! Charlie!

No! He stuck a knife in me!

Eh, he stuck a... (SIGHING)

(ENCHANTING MUSIC PLAYING)

Who's that?
That's Princess Baba.

Ba Wa? No, Baba.

Goo Goo. No. Princess Baba.
She's my new assistant.

She is? Mine, too? Certainly.

She holds your head
in the next trick.

She does? Yes.

Well, what are you keeping me in here for?
Well, you said that...

Oh, come, come, come. This is no time
for small talk. Let's get outta here.

All right. Oh, I didn't know.

How do you do? How do you do?

You will be careful,
won't you, Baba?

Yes, my little lamb.

Oh, Baa-Baa, I wanna
be your black sheep.

Huh? Oh, excuse me.
For my next experiment,

I will saw the little
maharajah in half.

Yup, I'm a victim of saw-cumstances!
(LAUGHING)

Charlie? Look at me.
Huh? I'm busy.

Charlie...
Scram. Will you scram?

Don't be afraid.

Promise me it won't hurt?

I promise.

(SIGHS) Well,
anything for science.

(PANTING)

Okay, Bergen. Yes. Sleep, sleep.

Say, what is this?

(BLOWS) (SPITS)

Oh. You're in a trance. Huh?

(LAUGHING)

He's says I'm in a trance.

Charlie, I've got
a good mind to...

Why don't you use it?
Now listen, Charlie.

Oh, I know what you want.
Do it again. All right.

Sleep. Yeah. He... Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

(SIGHING)

Oh!

If you please, Princess.

(SIGHING) Ow!

BERGEN: The box
is made of solid oak.

Come in.

Watch this razor-sharp steel saw

tear its way through
the body of the little man.

Ohhh! Don't worry. I'm here.

Yes, but dash it all, I'm here.

BERGEN: Just ignore him.
Hmph! Bounder.

(SINGING) La di da
La di da.

Seesaw Marjorie Daw

(GROANING)

Do you feel any pain?
Just hunger pains, that's all.

Hmm. Cut right
through my breakfast.

You see the little man is perfectly
normal, so we shall proceed.

(MIMICS BEEPING)

We are now passing through
the state of indigestion.

Ah, that did it.

I now separate the two
halves to prove to you

that there is absolutely
no connection nor deception.

If you please, Princess.

"Ah, parting is such
sweet sorrow." Shakespeare.

In spite of his condition, the
little man retains all his faculties.

I command you, move your feet.

Where? Over there.

Are those my tootsies? Yes.

Gee!

Move your feet.

Move the feet.

Who, me? No, no.

No, not you.

Well, I didn't know.
Charlie said that...

Oh, no! (CROWD LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

How long have you been with the circus?
BERGEN: What?

Too long. In fact, we were...
Quiet, quiet.

Don't pay any attention to him.

Oh, it was a very
nice performance.

Thank you very much.

Bergen.

It's a pleasure to work
for such a lovely audience.

Thank you. Did you
really enjoy it?

Oh, it was splendid. Oh.

Yeah, my name is Charlie McCarthy.
What's yours? Vicky.

Oh, that's cute. Charlie.

Oh, Vicky, Mr. Bergen.
Bergen, Vicky.

How do you do? How do you do?

You know, ventriloquism
has always fascinated me.

It has? Mmm.

Well, I'll be glad
to explain it for you.

Well, I'd love to know, but really,
I must find my... Oh, please stay.

It'll just take a minute.

Yeah. Oh, yes.
Well, um, ventriloquism...

It starts here and goes up here.

And it comes out here.
It comes out there, yes.

Tell me, how do you talk
without moving your lips?

Oh, now you're asking
quite a bit.

You're asking the wrong man.
He's noticed it, too.

(LAUGHING) Your, uh, your voice
isn't double-jointed, is it?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

Eh, it's, uh...

Well, may I have your hand?

Now, you can feel the muscles
contract in my vocal cords.

Vocal cords? Uh, oh, yes.

Yes. Like this.

You're lovely. Did that
come out of me? Hmm?

I'm a little confused, I guess.
He's talking... Yes.

Uh, can you throw
your voice just anywhere?

Oh, certainly. Yes.

Won't you sit down? Move over.

Yeah, but how 'bout the packing?
Later on. Forget it.

Forget... That's what I thought.
I knew this would come.

Now, if you'll move your
lips, I can make you talk.

Are you ready? Ready.

What is your name, little girl?

Vicky. (LAUGHING)

Now you know how foolish I feel.

Isn't it silly?

Would you meet me after the show?
Oh, now...

Just move your lips.
I'll do the talking.

Will you meet me after the show?
I...

I'll be glad to.

Perfect. Now that
completes our first lesson.

Are there any questions?
Yeah. Am I intruding?

You certainly are.

(WHISTLING) MAN: Hey, Whipsnade!

Hey, are you Whipsnade?

Weinstub? No, no, no, Whipsnade.
Whipsnade, you know.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Ah, ya dump stoop! Ja!

Ja, you go away.
I break your throat.

And break my foot at the same...

BERGEN: I think we can do
better if we start over again.

VICKY: Yes.
CHARLIE: So do I. Let's go.

You stay out of it.
Oh, okay, okay.

Are you ready? Ready.

What's your name, little girl?
WHIPSNADE: Vicky!

Dad!

Oh, Dad, darling.

I guess we'll pack now, huh?

(LAUGHING) Uh, what
were you doing talking

to the unholy two over there?

Oh, I just stopped to catch their act.
They're marvelous, Dad, really.

Yeah? Oh, you were fortunate
in acquiring their services.

It will be fortunate if we
don't attend their services.

You have to catch us
first, you big... Quiet.

"Have to catch us first." Can
you imagine that? I hate him.

Horse face. Let go of me.

Why, Dad? He's nice.
Oh, uh, let's go this way.

Won't be interrupted.

By the way, tell me all
about Phineas and yourself.

Uh, why didn't he
come along with ya?

I say why didn't, uh...

Why didn't he come along with ya?
Oh.

I can't figure it out. Eh, what?

Oh, nothing. Oh. Yeah.

I must read up
on evolution sometimes.

Well, it doesn't seem right.

You mean we're not gonna quit?

Well, It wouldn't be fair to
Mr. Whipsnade to leave like this.

Why, you... You...

Oh, I get it. I get it.

She... She is
beautiful, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

But of course, that had
nothing to do with my decision.

Oh, no, no! You said you were
gonna quit, and now you...

Listen, Charlie.
Don't talk to me!

Don't you want to meet
her younger sister?

Women and business
don't mix, and I...

Has she got a younger sister?

Yes, and lovely too.

Oh, oh. Hmm.

I'm beginning to
see your point now.

That's why I say
we shouldn't be too hasty.

No. Let's not do anything
we'll be sorry for.

Exactly. You're right.

It wouldn't be fair
to Mr. Whipsnade

or his daughters.

Catch on? Yes.

(CHUCKLING)

(HUMMING)

How's everything going, Dad?
Oh, fine, dear.

Last night, they were
packed in so tightly,

they couldn't applaud that way,

they had to applaud this way.

Let me do that for ya.
Oh, thank you, dear, yeah.

You need someone
to take care of you.

Ah, quite the antithesis.

My little plum.

I was hoping you'd let
me come stay with you.

Oh, no, dear. No, dear.

I couldn't break that promise
to your dear old mother.

Don't want you kids with the circus.
And another thing,

what's happened
to that young squirt

that Phineas tells me
you're running around with?

Oh, I'm still going with him.

If he's very rich,
why don't you marry him?

What about you, Dad?

Now, dear, nobody can ever
take your mother's place.

Besides, the circus
is doing great business.

I don't owe a cent.

Salaries all paid up to date.
I want my money!

What? I want my money!

Pardon me, dear. All right, Mr. Pronkwonk.
Go right ahead.

Be right back, dearest.

Got change for a $100 bill? No!

That's fine.

I offer you your salary
and you haven't change.

That's sabotage.

All I want's my salary.

(CHUCKLES) Glutton.

Yes, indeedy. Yes, indeedy.

You'll get your celery
and olives and mustard too.

I'll be right back in a minute, dear.
Yes, right back.

(MUTTERING)

Let go of me, will ya?

Mr. Wipesnood!

Wipesnood?

It's Windshade. Uh...

Whipsnade. Whipsnade, yes.

Yes, Whipsnade.

Sir, the ventriloquist has
got a tent full of ofays.

He can't go on. Why not?

He's got the (HICCUPS) hiccups.

Got the hiccups?

Tell him I'll be right over.

Yes, sir.

Don't touch that drawer.

What is it, a holdup? (EXHALING)

No. We were trying to cure
our (HICCUPS) hiccups.

I'm afraid I can't go on.

Here. Gimme this.

Oh, don't touch me!
Grubs' winter quarters!

Why don't you sandpaper
that whiffletree?

Got a splinter
in my finger again.

That's good. Listen, Charlie.

Remember, he's the boss.
I don't (HICCUPS) care.

Someone has to go (HICCUPS) on.

Well, let him monkey around with...
(HICCUPS) Oliver.

Yes, you can have
(HICCUPS) Oliver.

Very good. I'll take Oliver.

Here. Put it at my pitch.
I'll be right up there.

That reminds me. I must order
cracked crab for dinner tonight.

(CHUCKLES) We certainly
fooled him, huh?

Yes. Let's hurry up and get our
clothes changed. Vicky's waiting.

Oh, is she? Yes.

Is her sister with her?

Who? Her sister.

Oh, has Vicky a sister?

Oh, yes. Yes,
she has a lovely...

What's that? Why, you said she did!
Oh, I'm sorry about that.

I had to do that.

Why, you double-crosser, you!

You, you, you, you cad!

You, you, you... Whipsnade!

(STAMMERING)

A little castle in the air.

Unusual place for a rendezvous.

Unusual but exclusive.

I'll let you in on a secret.

When I was a little girl
traveling with Dad's circus,

this was always
my favorite hideaway.

Ooh.

By any chance, did your
father ever find you up here?

Ooh, many times. He did?

Let's get outta here!

It's all right. I think we're
safe with Charlie as our lookout.

(GRUMBLING)

I don't think we can count on Charlie.
He's acting very disagreeable today.

I don't have to come up here
to be insulted, thank you.

Oh, Charlie, what's the matter?

Have I said something
to hurt your feelings?

No, it's all right.
It's just a certain thing.

He's sulking because I
told him you had a sister.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
follow me to this platform.

We have the great... Keep on going.
I have it. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
special announcement.

On this platform,
the great Whipsnade,

ventriloquist extraordinaire.

He will be assisted
by his little friend, Oliver.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Whipsnade the Great!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I thank you for this
mental and silent reception.

Mr. Whipsnade?

Yes, Oliver?

May I ask you a conundrum?

Why, certainly, Oliver. Go
right ahead, ask me. What is it?

Mr. Whipsnade, why is a cat's
tail like a long journey?

I don't know, Oliver.

Why is a cat's tail
like a long journey?

Because it's "fur" to the end.

Because it's... (LAUGHS)

Ladies and gentlemen,
what do you think of that?

Drinking and singing
simultaneously.

It baffles science.

Proceed, Oliver.

(SINGING) His heart was set
on becoming a banker.

And wearing
a high silk hat.

How did you come
to join the circus?

Well, I was a dignified
college teacher.

One day I dropped my
dignity and flew the coop.

Must be fun working
with Dad, though.

Oh!

Yes, there is Dad, isn't there?

You can say that again.

You like him, don't you?

Talk yourself out of that one.

Well, he must have
some fine qualities.

After all, you're his daughter.

Maybe she takes
after her mother.

Oh, quiet! You're a lookout.

So why don't you
keep quiet and look out?

Aye, aye, sir, but you look out.

(SINGING) And he treated
rich and poor alike.

And it wasn't long before.

He had accumulated nearly a
thousand dollars in his own right.

Away, boy, you draw flies.

Then he charged him five
hundred dollars and told him that was.

Practically nothing.

He returned
to the village.

To see
his old sweetheart.

She looked oily through
the imitation lace curtains.

She'd gained a...

(BLOWS)

Pounds in the ten years
he'd been away.

Dad means a lot to me.

Whenever I'm upset or things
don't go well, I run right to him.

He's the one person
I can always count on.

Well, now, wait a minute.
You can count on me.

I know, Edgar.

I'm grateful for your loyalty.

Loyalty?

Is that what you call it?

What should I call it?

Well, if you ask me,
I call it mush.

Well, I didn't ask you.
Well, I told you anyway.

Why don't you keep quiet?

Oh, why don't you tell her you love her
and quit beating around the balloon?

Well, that's enough of that.
Well, I'm hungry.

(LAUGHS)

Whoop, I dropped something.

Hope it didn't hit
anybody, except one.

Calico dress...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen, that
concludes my performance.

WHIPSNADE: I'll cleave him.

(BELL DINGS) BARKER: Two
bells and two cigars!

(POUNDING) (BELL DINGS)

Two bells and two cigars!

What did you do? Hit five...

Jiggers, jiggers, jiggers!

(HAWKING PHLEGM) No, no, no!

Want to make an easy $5?

Sure. I want you to
chop some wood for me.

Follow me. Sure.

I can't understand
why that fellow hit us.

Yeah. Gee, he didn't even give
me a chance to insult him.

I just opened my eye,
and a fist flew in.

Must have been a mistake.

Yeah, sure, sure.

You know what I think? I smell a
rodent, and I do mean Whipsnade.

Oh, I don't think he would
do anything like that.

(SCOFFS) Bergen,
don't be so naive.

Victoria dear,

some weasel

took the cork out of my lunch.

Then a lumpoc comes along

and spills it
all over the place.

I was fit to be tied. I...

Honestly, Dad,
you and your lumpoc...

Dad?

Dad?

He might be in here. Yeah.

I'll tell you what. You go
around, and I'll go through.

Yeah, we'll bottle him up.

There, that's the last dab.

Yeah, and I resents every dab.

You do? Well, forget it.
Yeah. Yeah.

Want to look at yourself?
I don't care how I look.

Oh, you look very cute.

I don't...
I don't care, I don't...

Doggone, is that me? (LAUGHS)

Well, shut my mouth!

Say, you know,
I do look kind of cute.

Yes, you do.

You little rascal you.
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! (LAUGHS)

CHARLIE: Yeah, sweet... Uh-oh.

Here comes old rubber nose.

Hide your gold teeth. (CHUCKLES)

Hello, Edgar. Oh, hello.

Hello, Charles,
my little eggplant.

Yeah, hello.

Little nipper have his napper
out the window last night

as we went through the tunnel?

Yeah. That ain't funny.
I'm blacked up.

Oh, he's got a mouse... Why, you
have a mouse on your eye also.

Yeah, and we know
the rat who did it too.

Yes, he certainly earned his...

My heart bleeds
for the little chap.

Hey, you. Seen Whipsnade
around here?

Huh? Whipsnade!

Fat fellow with a big red nose.

Yeah. Ah-ya-ya-ya-ya!

Come in, Sheriff.
I think we can help y'all.

(SINGING) Hoeing in the
cotton and the corn.

The corn...

(HUMMING)

(COUGHING) Yes.

What's it worth to you
if I point out Whipsnade?

I'll give you $5
if you point him out.

Five doll...
Ah, my little magnolia twig,

here's the $10 I owe you.

Just happened to think of it.

Well, thank you, Mr... Huh?

Thank you, Mr...

(COUGHING)

Pardon me. I've got a cough.

You wouldn't give 20, would you?

Charles! I want you to
hold my hat until I return.

Oh! Oh! Let me outta here.

I'm blind.

Hey, boss.
Don't call me "horse."

Now, be the loving, little
pickaninny you've always been.

Show these gentlemen
around the circus.

They want to find Mr. Whipsnade,

the entrepreneur. Entrepreneur?

Yes, yes, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Come, come, come.

Oh, right this way.
Gentlemen, he'll show you.

Nothing to worry about. He'll
show you just where to go.

I don't care, I got ten bucks out of it.
Yes, he'll show you.

I got... Give me my money, you rat!
Give it to me!

No! No! Sheriff! Sheriff!

Shut up! (GAGGING)

(GROANS)

He's a "canabo"!

Sheriff! Mr. Sheriff,
He's got my hat too.

Get him, Bergen! Get him!

All right. All right. Here,
Queenie, some elephant's caviar.

Take it or leave it.

My hat! Give, Queenie!

Cease, Queenie! Cease, Queen!

Missed him, darn it.

Thank you, Charles.

I shall send over a couple of
pet beavers to romp with you.

I'm innocent, so help me.

Yes, I suppose it was the whine
through the whispering pines

that said, "Give, Queenie!"

Cease, Queenie! Cease, Queen!

(CHUCKLING)

You shouldn't say,
"Give, Queenie!"

(CHARLIE CHUCKLING)

Cease, Queenie! Cease, Queen!

Red nose! Get him, Sheriff!

Can't fool us any longer,
Whipsnade. Take it.

Stand clear!

This circus is attached, and I'm
serving you with this summons.

Served it on him that time.

You haven't served me.
You served Queenie.

Hey, you'll pay for this!

Obstructin' justice! Yeah?

Yeah, we'll come back with a paper that
will put you in jail where you belong!

Well, that's fine. If I'm
not here, don't wait for me.

Wait a minute, please.

How much is the circus in debt?

$3,500. Why?

I just wanted to know.
Thank you.

Oh!

What? You...

You will?

Oh, Vicky darling,

you've made me he happiest
person in the world.

We'll make it Saturday night.

Fine.

Well, good-bye, darling.

Oh!

Robinson,
I'm going to be married!

Very good, sir. Your tea.

No!

Father, Father,
I'm going to get married!

Why?

WOMAN: I had to stand
there while she talked.

Now I can understand
what caused the separation.

She's one of those women
who never stop talking.

Mother! Mother! Roger,

Mother is talking.
How did she look?

Oh, well, I'm not the kind of woman
who wants to talk about anyone,

but her hair... Mother,
I'm going to get married.

Really? How nice.
Well, girls, it...

Married, did you say?
Saturday night.

Saturday? Oh, that'll be lovely.

We're having the party anyway.

Of course, you're all coming. Well,
dear, this dress was atrocious.

WOMAN: I hear she waits
for all the sales.

That's not the only thing
she waits for.

Really, you would be shocked.

Roger?

Roger!

Isn't that like the silly boy?
He forgot to tell me

who he's marrying, or did he?

No, he didn't.
Well, Mrs. Smythe...

WHIPSNADE: Big show
is now going on!

The big show is how going on!

The big show is how going on!
The big show...

Yes, lady. Children half price.

Main entrance right over to the left.
Thank you.

What a pity your dear mother isn't
here to share this joy with us, dear.

She's the first woman
to ever wear jodhpurs

with an evening basque.

She carried a riding crop
at the same time.

She hit me over the
head with it once.

Thought I was flirting with
one of the girls in the show.

There was nothing to it, though.

She would have been the cynosure
of all eyes at your wedding.

Excuse me, Dad. I want to go over and
see Edgar and Charlie before I go.

Ah... They're waiting for
me over at the balloon.

Oh, well, all right, dear.
I'm going there now.

You pack here. I'll
bring 'em back with me.

All right. I'll be
right back with 'em.

I'll bring 'em both here.

Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.
All I hear is Vicky.

Well, Charlie,
don't you understand?

Yeah, I get it.

Love, huh? Yes, Charlie,

I think it's really
happened this time.

Poor boy, poor boy.

Well, Charlie,
you could help me.

All right, I will.

But if I'm nice to Whipsnade,
which is asking plenty...

Yes?

And you propose to Vicky...

Yes? And she turns you down...

Well... then will you quit?

Of course. Then there'll
be nothing to stay for.

Okay, it's a deal. All right.

And you will be
sweet to Whipsnade.

I'll be more than sweet.
I'll be sickening.

I see. (CHUCKLES)

I'll even go so far as...

Uh-oh. Speak of the
polecat and there he is.

Good afternoon, Charles,

my night-blooming jasmine.

My nostrils quiver
at your pungent aroma.

Oh, thank you.
That's quite a compliment.

Considering the size
of his nose. (GROANS)

You know, Mr. Whipsnade Charlie
and I were just saying that

we should forget this
ill feeling between us.

I'll feeling? I have never been
conscious of any quibblings.

Oh, that's fine, isn't it?

Yes, I hope.

We know beneath
your rough exterior

there beats an honest and tender heart.
Nice going.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Edgar.

I'll top it.

We think you're the softest
hard-boiled egg in the world.

How's that?
Oh, thank you, Charles.

Thank you for
those sweet pretties.

You know Bergen
is that way about Vicky.

Oh, yes? Yes, I...

He's waiting
to propose to her now.

Yes, I have hopes
of being your son-in-law.

In youth, hope springs eternal.

At the mere mention of her name,
he rises to ethereal heights.

That's what I had in mind!

(CHARLIE SCREAMS)

Help! Help! Help!

Give my ethereal respects
to St. Peter.

Somebody, help! Help!
Help! Help!

How...

We're loose! Help! Help!
Help! Help!

Drat!

Help! Help!

We're loose! Help!

Oh!

Get out! Gangway!

Dad, what on earth?

Where's Edgar and Charlie? They've
taken a run-out powder on us!

I understand
on very good authority

they have absconded
with our balloon.

Come on. Let's go.
(BAG CRASHING)

Dad, I can't believe it.

No, it's incredible.

But as Grandma Litvak used to say,
never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

Come on, let's... Let's go.
Watch yourself. Come on!

Oh!

Look, Charlie. Why,
he did it on purpose.

I agree with you.

Do you suppose he resented the
idea of my being his son-in-law?

Yeah, well, from where
I am now, I'd say, yes.

I know you're going to be
very happy, Vicky.

Dad...

Come on, now,
be brave. Be brave.

You know, getting married
is like buying a new horse

or going into
a strange saloon, sometimes...

It's not that, Dad. I...

I'll see you tonight, Dad.
All right, dear.

Good-bye.

He certainly separated us
from terra... Ooh!

You're not scared, are you?

Bergen, this is neither the
time nor place for lying.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Do something! Ooh!

What was that? What was that?
We hit something!

We hit... No, no.

What was that? Oh. (EXHALES)

Probably an air pocket.

Yeah, a pocket
has a bottom in it.

(MUTTERING) (ROPES CREAKING)

Oh! Oh! That's gotta stop.

What? Oh! That's no good.

That's gonna do it.
What's the matter, Charlie?

I'm gettin' seasick.

You mean airsick?

What's the difference? I'm sick.

I don't know what to do.

I do! Hold me!

(GROANING)

Just throw me out, Bergen.

Oh! Hang on tight! Hang on...

(GROANING)

Ooh! Ouch! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

(GROANING)

Hey! What are you doing here?

I'm a stowaway. A stowaway?

Yeah. Why?

I don't know. Charlie said...

Oh, come on. (MUTTERING)

Fine sort of thing.
All right, all right.

What's the matter?

There's plenty the matter.
We're in a free balloon.

Free? Don't nobody own it?

Oh, no. What I mean is
we're in a runaway balloon.

Oh, a runaway.
(CHUCKLES) Let her run.

It's untied.

Yeah? Well, why don't you
tie her up again?

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Guess you waited too long, huh?

Yes, you might say that.

Where's the rope?

That's just it. It's been cut.

Been cut? Yes.

What's holding us up?

Well, the gasbag is.

Gasbag? Yeah.

Gasbag. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

What holds the gasbag up?

Well, gas holds it up. Yeah?

Gas is lighter than air,
and that's why we rise.

That's the principle
of a balloon.

Tsk. No! Yes.

Gas lighter than air, the
principle of a balloon. Yes.

No, I don't think it'll work.

Oh, of course it'll work.
It's not ordinary gas.

Oh!

No good for cooking. No!

(GROANS) Will you
cut it out, Mortimer?

What's the matter? You
want a pork chop, Charlie?

(GRUMBLES)

What's he sulking about?

Oh, never mind that.
The important thing is,

how are we going to get down?

Well, let's see.

I could climb up on top
of the bag and push it down.

Oh, no. No?

How can you be so ignorant?

Well, tsk, it ain't easy.

No!

(WIND HOWLING)

Hang on, boys! Hang on!

Help!

The balloon
can't stand this strain.

Oh, well, neither can I.

We'll have to jump.

Jump? Man, you'll kill yourself.

Well, I have a seat pack here.

What good is that?
Well, it'll save our life.

That little cushion? Yes!

Yeah? Well, throw it out.

But you gotta be
pretty smart to land on it.

Oh, you're as bad as Mortimer.
This is a parachute.

Oh, a parachute.

Yeah. Yeah.

It'll open up.

Yeah, you hope.

Yes, well, are you jumping
or are you staying?

Yeah, well, I'll, uh...
I'll, uh... I'll, uh...

What are you going to do?
I'm going to jump.

Yeah. Yes.

Okay, we're jumping. All right, then.
That's what I wanted to know.

Now, hang on, we'll be ready
to go in a minute.

(SINGING) A tisket, a taskeT
I'm singin' in the basket.

Like a little birdy.

I'm flyin' through the sky.
The sky, the sky.

All right. Here we go.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, boy, whoa.

Aren't you jumping, Mortimer?

No, I like it up here.

He would, the sap.
I'm sentimental. (CHUCKLES)

Well, open up that thing now. All
right, I tell you, first we jump,

count five... Yeah.

And then we pull this ring.

Oh, boy. It's getting more
complicated all the time, isn't it?

(SCREAMS)

Five! Five, five, five!

One... Five!

No, keep quiet. Two... Five!

Three. Whoa!

It don't mean a thing if you
don't pull that string.

Five, five, five, five!
All right, five.

(EXHALES) Oh, boy.

See, you were all scared
about nothing.

Oh, who was scared? (CHUCKLES)

Say that umbrella won't turn
inside out, will it?

No, no, I tell you, there's
nothing more to worry about.

All right, I don't worry, Bergen.
You know me. Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah. There's one thing
to remember now. Yeah?

When we strike the ground,
pull your knees up.

Yeah. I know all about that.

That's so you won't break a leg.

Yeah, well, that's logical...
What's that?

Oh! Oh! Oh, please! Oh!

It's all right...

Oh, I can't see!

Jump for your life, Kelly.

Here comes one!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

VICKY: Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get those drunks! VICKY:
Get this thing off my head.

Hey, what's the matter here?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Please, please!

Lady, there's nothing I can do.

But I've got to get out of here.

It's a free country.

It was all my fault.
You can let her go.

You have to wait until
the judge gets here.

You said that an hour ago.

And I'll say it again!

Cossack.

What's that?

(MUTTERING) You shouldn't talk
that way to this gentleman.

Then can I use your telephone?

You'll have to wait until the judge...
Until the judge gets here.

(HUMMING)

(HAWKING PHLEGM)
Huh? No? All right.

Oh, Mayor, Mayor, I want you to
stand here during the ceremony.

If you come up here, everybody.
It'll soon be...

Roger? Where's Roger? Roger!
Oh, yes, Mother, yes.

Roger, now, I want you and
Victoria to walk along here, see.

(SINGING) Here comes...

Where is Victoria? She's late.

Late? But she can't
be late at her own wedding.

Don't get excited, my dear.
Oh, who's getting excited?

Don't stand here, everybody.
They'll soon be here, you know.

Did you want to see me?

Yes, I did.

On account of your unimpeachable
integrity and business perspicacity...

You know what that is, don't ya?

That's fine. On account of that,

I'm going to leave you in
charge of the circus tonight

whilst I go over to Pasimicoy and
announce my daughter's marriage.

If anybody comes around
here and asks for me,

you just say, um, he's
around the place somewhere.

You can remember that, can't ya?

Well, what are you gonna say to them
if they come around and ask for me?

That's okay. That's even better.

I'll be back in time to get
the show out of town as usual.

Stop... What are you...

Stop it, will ya?

Trouble with you, young man, is you
got too much of the dictator in ya.

Here's your cape, boss.

Thanks. Give me that coat.

Don't hand it to me
that way, hold it up!

So, how's the house tonight?

Biggest crowd we ever had.

That's fine. Yeah, they all
belong to some kind of lodge.

Yeah, getting lodge members now.

Yeah, the, uh, lapel pullers.

Lapel pullers?
Never heard of 'em.

They just do that
and walk right in.

Oh, they're coppers.
Give me my cape.

I just gave it to you.

Give it... Where is it?

I don't...

There it is! Give it to me!

I hate you.

Ow!

I'll cleave you to the
ground, the both of you,

if you start a mutiny around me.

What happened to the boy that held
the apple on his head tonight?

WHIPSNADE: I shot a little low.

Hit him right down there
in the abdomen.

Yes.

(MUTTERING)

Yes. Don't ask
so many questions.

Sheriff, over here.

Okay. Look at the gas and oil?
Come on, Queen.

Stop that man! Stop that man.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Stop that man in the chariot!

Don't let that man
in the chariot get away!

Hey, Sheriff, you go back and get your men.
I'll get the car.

Victoria will be here very soon.

We're just waiting for her.
Mrs. Bel-Goodie,

I'm sure she'll be here
any moment.

You see, she's motoring
down with Father.

Father?

Whoa, Queen!

Here, take over
these reins, groom.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Wait a minute.

That's a funny place
to have a doorknob.

I get it.

There you are, okay.

Your card, sir.

Card? I don't need a card.

Wherever people speak
a civilized tongue,

the name of Whipsnade
is a household word.

Take it or leave it.

Well, well.

What a wickiup.

Huh? Oh.

Well, just once more, please.
Ring them once more, please.

Well, well... Wait a minute.

Give me a break on the advertising.
Just a little break.

Put it up this way. Very modest.

Just in black and white,
no colors.

Put it over there.

WHIPSNADE: Where's the bar?

Dad!

Phineas, my son! This is the
proudest moment of my life.

I'm glad to see you too, Dad.

What a wickiup they have.
Where's the mob? Shh!

They're in there, Dad. Quiet.

Where's Vicky? She'll be here
in half a tick. She's primping up.

A lot of necks
washed here tonight.

Wait a minute. What are you doing there?
Wait a minute.

Come here, Dad. I was leaving that
cape there for a little advertisement.

Now, look, you know these
people are society people.

I know. "The Creme de la creme."

They have what they call
"noblesse oblige."

We have acrobats
with our circus too.

I know, but, Dad, they don't
know you're in the circus,

so please don't mention it.

I got a button on my lip.

I told them that
you deal in wild animals.

They think you're
a big game hunter.

Oh! Leave it to me. I'll
explain anything if left alone.

Am I intruding?

Not at all.
Roger, this is my father.

Dad, this is
Roger Bel-Goodie, the third.

Oh, hello, Rog, how are you?
How do you do?

Your future son-in-law.

(CLEARING THROAT)

This is a surprise, huh?

Yes, a pretty pleasant surprise.

Where's Vicky?

She's gone down
to the barbershop.

She's gotta get
a permanent and a facial.

There's eight or nine men ahead of her.
She'll be at least 20 minutes.

Do come in and meet
the pater and mater.

Mater and pater? What's the matter
with that lug? Is he stuffed?

Ah, here's the mob.

This is Mr. Whipsnade,

Vicky's, uh, parent.

I'm Vicky's paternoster.

Oh, how are you?

Oh, I feel
rather poorly, thank you.

I got a little stomachache,
rather a big stomachache.

I've been eating
those canned cherries.

They put them in the
Manhattan cocktails, you know.

Don't agree with me. Yeah, Dad,
you have put on a little weight...

Oh, no, no. I got a sweater under here.
I always wear a sweater under these.

This is my, uh, father.

Well, well, well. Ah...

Um...

How do you do? How are you?
You all right?

Your son tells me you've had quite
an experience with wild animals.

Sort of a big game hunter.

Well, I had quite an
experience up at Lake Titicaha.

Lake Titicaha, the Bolivian...
Dad, what time...

What time is it?

I don't know. This chain,
I just got it pinned

in my vest pocket
with a safety pin.

Yes, up at Lake Titicaca I had a
wonderful experience with a rattlesnake.

(SCREAMS)

Stop it. Stop it.
My wife's allergic to snakes!

She is, eh? How unfortunate.

Mrs. Bel-Goodie fainted?

Oh, stewed to the whiskers.

Get a doctor, quick.

As I was telling you, up at Lake
Titicaca, this rattlesnake...

(SCREAMS) I don't know.

Probably had too much to drink.

Up at Lake Titicaca, this rattlesnake
was imprisoned under a rock.

I took the rock, rolled it
off the little fellow's back.

To show his appreciation, he
followed me down to the, uh...

Followed me down to the wickiup.

We were living
in a little place there.

Get her some whiskey.

Yeah, get me one too,
with ginger ale on the side.

I followed the, uh...
The rattlesnake followed me.

Followed me down to my shack.

What's the matter
with these guys?

Followed me down to the shack...

(STAMMERING) What happened?

I don't know.
Probably drinking too much.

Followed me down to the shack.

Hello. The rattlesnake
followed me down to the shack.

I took my socks off
and put it over the snake.

To show its appreciation, during the night,
a marauder crawled in through the window.

Gosh, everybody's in a hurry.

Was there an accident?
No, nothing happened at all.

The marauder crawled in
through the window.

The snake, in order to...

Chinese people.

The snake, in order
to show its appreciation,

sunk its teeth
into the marauder's fetlocks.

Into its fetlocks and stuck its
tail out the window and, uh,

rattled for a constable.

Dad! Dad! See what you've done!

What? You've ruined everything.

How?

Mrs. Bel-Goodie's fainted.

Pay no attention to her.
She's been drinking too much.

Gangway! Gangway! Gangway!
Let me handle the situation.

I'm sorry
I distressed you, honey...

"Honey"?

With that little story.

Why, some of my
best friends are snakes.

(SCREAMS)

This is outrageous!

Now, Dad, don't you see
you've gone and done it again?

I was trying to jolly them up.

Trying to make
everybody feel at home.

Why don't you leave that up
to Mr. and Mrs. Bel-Goodie?

All right now, let's
get this thing straight.

Where was the car parked?

Beside the road. Where were you?

Up in a balloon.

No wisecracks, young fellow.

Who's cracking? No, it's the truth, Judge.
We were up in a balloon.

Then we bailed out.

Then bail yourself out of here.

That's just the trouble, Judge.
We haven't any money.

Then what did you
call for me for?

Come on, get them out there.

Put them back where they belong.

Go on, get out of here
where you belong.

But you don't understand, Judge.

I'm going to be married tonight.

Oh, you are? Yes!

You're going to be married?

I'm sorry, Edgar.

Your Honor, may I leave
this bracelet as security?

Well,

I guess it'll be all right.

Thank you.

Who's the lucky man?

Roger Bel-Goodie.

Must be a swell fellow.

He is.

I wish you luck.

Thank you, Edgar.

I...

Well, that's that.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

JAILER: Did you get that name?

Yeah, and it beats me how
a nice young girl like her

can get mixed up with a
lunkhead like Bel-Goodie.

How'd he get out of his scrape
with that maid at the country club?

JUDGE: Money.

Did you hear that? Yes,
she's marrying for money.

Yeah! That's her privilege.

Don't you see Whipsnade's
in back of this?

She doesn't love the guy.

Well, what can I do?
Well, stop it.

Get a gun, dynamite.
Burn the house.

Oh, no, no. Well, do something.

Then, suddenly,
from out of nowhere,

bang, bang! Two shots rang
out in the clear home air.

Two blowouts and not a spare.
Quite poetic, wasn't I?

Well, two boa constrictors who
I, uh, had previously befriended

wrapped themselves around my
naked rims, and off we went again.

I can't understand
what's happened to Vicky.

She should have
been here two hours ago.

At least she might
have telephoned.

Well,

I go 300 miles

on two tires
and two boa constrictors.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANING)

Get water here!

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

And they left us
on the outskirts of the city.

A tow car came along

and pulled us into Punxsutawney.

(SNIFFING)

Ferdinand.

Lift her carefully, gentlemen.

Thanks, son. Help me carry
her upstairs, please.

Carefully now.

Yeah, she's very beautiful.
Oh, Dad.

But don't you think
she's overdoing it a bit?

Every time you look at her,
she throws a dummy.

Listen, Dad,
I know you don't realize it,

but you're ruining Vicky and
my future with those stories.

I could tell them
that drummer's yarn.

No, no, no.

I could clean it up a bit.

Oh, Dad.

Listen, it's not
the quality of the stories.

It just is that
you're talking too much.

Come on in here and sit down.

I'd rather be in here. It's cooler.
Get away from those barflies.

What's that, a beaver's tail?

By the way,
how is your ping-pong?

Huh?

Oh!

You speaking to me, honey?

How is your ping-pong?

(COUGHING)

Fine, how's yours? Want to
make anything out of it?

Mrs. Sludge, this is
my dad, Mr. Whipsnade.

Whipsnade?

(COUGHING)

Ah, that's the name, yes.

Does your father play ping-pong?

Do I play ping-pong?
Do I play...

I think I didn't get you
the first time.

I was one-time champion of the Tri-State
League and the Lesser Antilles.

Didn't know one card from
the other when I started.

But I stayed up at night
and marked them with a pen.

(LAUGHING)

I am so sorry to have
kept you waiting.

Oh, it's okay.

Shall I serve?

No, thanks, I've had enough.
Would you like one, dear?

Ah, I'm serving.

What are you trying to do,
make a drunkard out of me?

Nothing really.

Cease, cease, you rat! You crud!

This duel paddle!
Quiet on the green!

Stop! Cease!

Pardon me, dear,
I'm haunted. Oh, dear!

Nothing, dear.

Nothing, dear, nothing.
Don't get excited!

Mind your back.

It's like a hailstorm
I encountered in the Dakotas.

Here!

Hold your breath, dear!

Good going.

This is getting irksome.

He's gone up my aisle! Gangway!

(HUMMING)

(CHUCKLES)

Disperse!

This is unethical.

Shh!

Days of Izaak Walton.

What a game! What a racket!

Mind your back, dear.

This is the way the General
used to have me

knock cannonballs
back to the foe.

Look out, General, here I come!

(SCREAMING)

The vulgarian!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Dear, Archibald, get that
man out of this house.

There's nobody home.

Oh!

Stop at the second floor, Foreign
Department. Groceries and liqueurs.

Oh.

Now, look here, sir. You absent
yourself from this house immediately.

You Pharisee! You Pecksniff!

You egregious tartuffle!

Is that good or bad?

You're a fraud, a charlatan
and a rogue, sir!

Is any of that in my favor?

Just a moment. You're
talking to my father.

He called me a tartuffle.

What kind of a tartuffle?

Are there two different kinds?
Male or female?

Dad, this is no time for levity.

This is no levity.
Explain yourself.

Mother! Mother?

Calling your mother, eh?

Papa!

Will you leave my house, sir?

No, no time...

Phineas! Are you all right?

I'm so sorry...
Where have you been?

The funniest thing happened...
Never mind about that.

Get that father
of yours out of here.

What's the matter? Everything!

Why didn't you tell me
he was just a person?

That's enough now. What's
the matter with my father?

Everything, he's...
Common, crude, vulgar.

Right, Mother. I'll sue you
for defamation of character.

I've been imposed on!

I didn't ask you to marry me.

Oh, I see it now. You were just marrying
me for my name, my social position!

Why, you insignificant,
egotistical little...

You're speaking to a Bel-Goodie!

You're speaking to a Whipsnade!
That's right.

Why don't you get off the trapeze
and come down into the sawdust

where you belong! Ooh!

Vicky, you can't talk
to my mother like that!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Cease! Hold it up!

Young man, if there is
such a thing as a tartuffle,

you are just that thing!

One more peep out of you and
I'll give you a sound trundling.

A pummeling, a trouncing...

Unhand me, woman. A trouncing.

WHIPSNADE: Tartuffle, huh?

Whipsnade, your conduct
is entirely reprehensible.

That's him. Gildersleeves!
Great snakes!

(SCREAMING)

Take her upstairs, quick!
Hurry up!

Run for the Grampian Hills,
children.

Entree into the chariot,
my own flesh and blood.

Giddyap!

Oh, you dropped her!

Where are those
Grampian Hills, Dad?

I wonder, I wonder.

I guess where those swanky
affairs are concerned,

I'm a square peg
in a round hole.

But don't be foolish.

That was the kindest thing
you've ever done for me. Yeah?

I'm in love with Edgar.

Oh, come along! Come along!

Stop at the jail!

What's that?

Stop at the jail! Yes, I will.

Yes, I will.

Oh, I guess everything
has happened for the best.

No women in our lives, Charlie.
No.

It's the open road for us.

Edgar!

Edgar! Edgar, come on!

I didn't marry him!
Did you hear that, Charlie?

Yeah. Wait for us!

Dad, Edgar just passed us. Yeah?

That's fine. We'll overtake him.

Come on there!

Come on, you hounds!
Get up there!

Oh, oh, oh, boy.

It's a great race, folks. They're
all headin' for the state line.

Whipsnade in front, and Vicky
and Bergen are neck and neck.

(CHUCKLING)

Glad I'm safe up here.

Oh!