All language subtitles for Chapter Two (1979) -

You have nothing to declare?

MAN: No.

How long have you been out of the country?

3 1/2 weeks. Counting the flight.

And you have nothing to declare?

No.

You bought nothing in 3 1/2 weeks?

I ran out of toothpaste once. That's about all.

You can close it.

George!

George, over here!

Hello, George.

So, uh, what was it like?

What?

Your trip. Europe.

How was London?

Full of Arabs.

Yeah, I heard it's all changed.

They say Italy's going to close in two weeks, right?

Aren't you going to get in, George?

That's why I came to pick you up.

You lost weight, didn't ya?

Yeah, a couple pounds.

Sure, who could eat all that lousy food in Paris and Rome?

Did you meet anybody interesting?

Like who?

What do you mean like who? A person, a girl.

No girls left in Europe, George?

I didn't see any. Just a lot of guys that need shaves.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Listen, should we stop off at a grocery?

I mean, your refrigerator's probably empty.

No, I dropped a list off before I left.

They were supposed to deliver it this morning.

You flew 2,000 miles to get a divorce,

and you remembered to leave a grocery list?

It's that Catholic upbringing.

I majored in discipline.

61st and 3rd....

[♪♪♪]

Well, the idea was to get away,

take some time for yourself,

not visit the places you went to with--

Her name was Barbara, Leo.

You're allowed to say her name.

LEO: Why don't you go to Norway or Sweden?

They got no ugly girls there.

They send 'em to Finland.

I was fine until I got to Rome.

Then one night, I--

I got angry with her. Really mad.

I said, "How dare she go and die on me like that?

I'd never do that to her."

Like a nut, I'm walking up to Via Veneto cursing my dead wife.

In Italy, they probably didn't pay attention.

In Italy, they agree with you.

You don't look any different.

Well, your features don't actually change

until the final papers come through.

Heh, I'm glad you still have your sense of humor.

If it were me,

they would have carried me off the plane in a stretcher.

You. Yours is the one marriage I never worry about.

Really? Hmph.

What's wrong? [SIGHS]

Sidney and I had dinner with friends lat week--

a couple married 20 years.

The man never stopped fondling his wife for a minute.

They both said it was the best time of their lives,

that they never really knew how to enjoy each other

until now.

And I thought to myself,

"Shit, 12 more years to go until the good times."

[♪♪♪]

First time in four years I found a parking place in front of your house.

Maybe we should get an apartment,

I don't want to lose this space.

Phew, this place could use a little air.

It smells like the opening of King Tut's tomb.

You know what I think it is?

Gas. Don't you smell gas, George?

What? I think you have the gas on.

Don't light any matches, or we'll both be back in Italy.

It must be a slow leak in the pipes.

Sleep with your windows open and your mouth shut.

What are you reading?

Um, letters of condolence.

I thought I answered the last one

before I left.

Do we have an Aunt Henry?

Aunt Henry?

We have an Uncle Henry up in Kingston.

You want a beer?

This is signed "Aunt Henry."

Uncle Henry's about 63.

Maybe he's going through a change of life.

"Sorry to hear about your tragic loss.

With deepest sincerity, Aunt Henry."

You want to see sour milk?

You want to see white bread

that's turned into pumpernickel all by itself?

You want to see a dish of grapes

that have dried into raisins?

Uh, Leo?

Leo.

What?

Do you smell gas?

Your nose is having jet lag, George.

Want a beer?

No, thanks.

What do you think I ought to do about this house?

Well, if it was me, I'd sell it.

Move. Find another place for yourself.

I really love this house.

I had the best years of my life here.

That's why I'd move.

It was really weird in London.

I kept walking the streets looking for Barbara--

restaurants, places we used to go to.

And I thought to myself, "It's a joke.

"She's not really dead. She's, uh...

"She's here in some flat waiting for me...

"so we could disappear from everyone

and live our lives out in secret."

She would have thought of something like that, you know.

And she didn't. You did.

Yeah.

So, Leo, baby brother...

Well, I am back.

Chapter two in the life of George Schneider.

Where the hell do I begin?

I don't know. You want to go to a dance?

You're cute. You know that?

-Marilyn think you're cute? -Not enough.

I want other women to think so.

Uh, how's everything at home?

It couldn't be better.

You sure?

Never ask a question like that twice.

So, what do you think?

Want me to get tickets for the Yankee game on Saturday?

Yeah, maybe, I'll let you know.

How about dinner on Sunday? Monday?

♪ Maybe Tuesday will be... ♪

George.

George.

I'll be all right. I promise.

Just...give me a little time.

Alright?

Now I'm mad.

I think it stinks, too.

I'm not going to forgive her for a long time, George.

Look, I'm coming back next week,

and the two of us are getting bombed.

I mean, I want you disgusting.

Then we'll take a ride up to Kingston

and check out this Aunt Henry.

He's got money, it might be a nice catch for you.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[♪♪♪]

Five years of marriage,

and this is all they give you?

[SCOFFS]

Why don't you go home?

You're not gonna hang around until I've readjusted, are you?

I like it here.

I've always loved this apartment.

It's small, easy to take care of, very sexy.

Sexy? Now you tell me.

So--

Do you feel single, yet?

Not as long as I can still smell

the ghost of Gus' cigar. God.

What a cheap thing to be haunted by.

When does that go away?

When you throw it out. Oh.

Oh. He probably came by

to pick up the rest of his things.

Sidney keeps complaining

about the cleaner that I'm using, that they do terrible work.

I haven't got the nerve to tell him I keep forgetting to send it out.

I never realized I had so many books I never read.

Hey, Dr. Zhivago. We'll try it one more time.

No, Jennie. See, I think that's wrong. Hmm?

No, to tackle heavyweight material

is not what you should be doing now.

I would read filth.

My present plan is to sit in the tub for a week

with 12 pounds of junk food.

I feel so helpless.

I mean, are you going to be all right alone?

After the last few years, I look forward to alone.

Please go home.

I just want to crawl into my own little bed

and try to remember what my maiden name was.

Okay. Will you call me?

I will call you.

Promise? I promise.

Okay.

Even if it's the middle of the night.

Sidney and I aren't doing anything.

I love you.

[SIGHS]

OK, folks,

let's take it one night at a time.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING; LIGHT APPLAUSE]

MAN 1: Come on, babe, come on now. Let's go, come on.

Let's go, come on, big fella. Come on, now.

MAN 2: All right!

MAN 3: George! You got it! You got it, George!

Beautiful, George. Nice one.

So you're working on your book,

it's 10:30, and the phone rings.

Working on the book... It's 10:30...

The phone rings. The phone rings.

It's a woman.

She says her name is Leona Zorn.

We met once.

Her husband was my chiropractor.

Wants to know if I can have dinner with her, like a Thursday night.

Her husband's out of town? No.

Uh, he left her for some ice skater in Las Vegas.

What does she look like?

Like, like someone you would leave

for an ice skater in Las Vegas.

So what's your problem?

Women are calling me for dates.

I mean, I have four calls in the last three weeks.

That never happened to me before.

I mean, I don't know how to handle it.

You tell 'em to call me.

I'll take care of 'em.

[CROWD CHEERING]

You know, George, it's a competitive world.

The woman who sits waiting by the phone

sits waiting by the phone.

Well, I got invited to three class reunions... [BIKE BELL RINGING]

...from schools I never went to.

Hey, listen, if you're ready to step out into the world again,

let me take care of it, alright?

I don't think we live in the same worlds, Leo.

George.

Trust me. Will you just trust me?

[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Yes, sir, can I help you?

Yes. I have a reservation. Schneider.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, Schneider. George Schneider.

I, um-- I called late,

so if you don't have it, I understand.

Um, ah, yes, Mr. Schneider, here we are.

Party of 2.

Something in the back would be nice.

Certainly. Excuse me.

If you'll follow me, madam.

Ready?

I just called Regine's,

if that's alright with you.

You mean dancing? That should be fun.

[CROWD APPLAUDING WITHIN]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

I love Coline, but I don't know what the hell the play's about.

I don't know.

How long you gonna be in Cleveland?

Just a few days.

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming desire

to sleep in the bed I was born in.

Oh, Jenny, is it my fault?

Was the other night really terrible?

Well, I didn't expect any miracles.

I also didn't expect anyone 6 feet 9 inches tall.

When Sidney said he was a big man from Chicago,

I didn't take him literally.

Two more previews and we open on Thursday.

Hey, Joe is very excited about this one.

I think we got a helluva shot.

Uh, listen, I'll catch you

backstage after the show and we'll talk.

Nice seeing you. Excuse me.

Oh, God, he's coming over. Who?

Leo Schneider, he's a press agent,

I used to date him years ago.

Before I met Sydney.

He called me "Faysie."

That's what broke it up.

Faysie!

Hello, Leo.

I can't believe it. You look absolutely fabulous.

How are you? Fine.

Leo Schneider, this is Jennie MacLaine.

Hello. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Why do you look familiar?

I don't know. Faye, why do I look familiar?

Uh, we used to do a soap together, a few years ago.

She's the best actress in New York.

In fact, you ought to tell your friend Joe Papp about her.

Sure, why don't you give me a call in the office?

We're doing five new plays this year.

Thank you. I will.

I'm always interested in good work.

Faye, I have to get some air.

It was nice meeting you, Mr. Schneider.

If you'll excuse me.

Interesting looking girl.

And you...

Jesus, you look incredible, Faysie.

Where's Sidney?

In Baltimore on business. Where's Marilyn?

In Baltimore on business.

Jennie!

Jen! You just missed Joe Papp.

Leo wanted to introduce you.

I'm sorry, Faye, I just couldn't breathe in there.

I... I really have to get out of New York for awhile.

[CAR HORN HONKING] Well, don't stay too long.

Because you are going to get a call next week.

From Joe Papp? From George Schneider, Leo's brother.

Faye, you promised.

No, he's a writer. I met him once. [GROANS]

Not gorgeous, but sweet looking

with an intelligent face.

His wife died a few months ago.

Please! The play is depressing enough.

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

We got creamed 17-2! Where the hell were you?

Will you get that thing off of there, I just had the place cleaned.

You don't pick up your phone for four days.

You don't return any of your messages.

What, you had yellow fever of something?

I'm very busy, Leo.

I've written 300 pages of my new book

and I haven't thought of a story yet.

Yeah, well, you should, you should, you should call me.

You know, I worry about you.

Now, listen, I just need a couple minutes of your time.

We got some very important business to discuss.

What's the name of that researcher you told me about?

The old lady that works at Columbia Library?

I need that book on Edward Booth and I can't find it.

Yeah, Jurgens. Uh, Serene Jurgens.

What? 477-9970.

Now you listen to me, George.

I think I've found buried treasure.

I'm not diving anymore, Leo. You gave me the Benz last week.

Is it Jenkins or Jurgens?

Jurgens. Jurgens.

All right, I apologize, OK?

You didn't like Bambi. What could I tell you?

Where do you find them, Leo?

I mean, did-- Did you actually ever see her?

Hmm? Did ya?

With that white zigzag streak in her hair?

She looked like the cover of a record album.

But she had a terrific body. I mean, you gotta admit,

that body was put together by somebody very close to God.

I book a table in one of the best French restaurants in New York,

and I walk in with this creature from Star Wars.

I told you, you don't take her any place fancy.

You take her to New Jersey.

You know what kind of dress she was wearing, hmm?

Electric! Electric! I swear to God, I got in the cab,

and the driver got static on his radio.

But you had a good time, right, George?

Look, I went to a lot of trouble.

At least tell me you had a good time.

What do you mean, a good time?

A thunderstorm came up

and I'm sitting there with a lightning rod!

I did not, I did not have a good time.

She ordered a $9.00 goose liver pate

and made a hero sandwich out of it.

Leave me alone, Leo. Hey, listen, George.

I set this girl up

with some very heavy clients from Hollywood,

and they've been very nice to me every Christmas.

Are you telling me she's a hooker?

A hooker? Come-- What, are you crazy?

You think I would set my brother up with a hooker?

She's a terrific kid. She might be a little flashy,

a little art deco with the wardrobe maybe,

but she's no hooker.

Why? Did she charge you anything?

For what? I was wet. I was afraid to touch her.

Yep, look, I got a feeling about this new one.

Hey, this is class A material.

Now, all you got to do is call.

Look, Leo, please, please.

I got my work, I got my friends.

I have the Knicks, I have the Yankees, I got the Giants.

This season is taken care of.

Look, I will go out, I will meet people,

but I got to do it, do it in my time, in my way.

I love you for what you're doing,

I really do, but please, please don't do it again.

Alright? Wait a minute. Well, where you going?!

I'm going to work in privacy.

If you follow me, I'm going to break your legs.

Hey, look, don't call. What do I care?

Live your life like a monk.

Stay in here and make bread. It's none of my business.

[COIN DISPENSE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello, um, is this--

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I have your name right.

This is George Schneider, Leo Schneider's brother.

I believe he told you I'd be calling you?

George Schneider? Yes, the writer.

[GASPS] Oh, yes. George Schneider.

It seems so long ago.

I'm sorry, you got me at a bad time.

I just, uh, got off a plane and walked in the door.

Oh, I'm sorry. Should I call you back?

Well, uh, I'll be very honest with you, Mr. Schneider.

Um, I'm going through a, uh, transition period right now.

I'm not planning to date for awhile.

Date? Did, uh...

Did Leo say that I was calling you for a date?

Well, uh, I was told you were going to call,

so I assumed-- No, no, no, no. This...

This wasn't a date call.

I'm very surprised that Leo, Miss--

Is it Jenkins or Jurgens?

It's MacLaine, Jennifer MacLaine.

Jennifer MacLaine.

No, that's wrong.

I could show you my driver's license.

That's not the name he gave me.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

[LAUGHS] It's on the other side.

It's on the other side. I couldn't read his writing.

Um...

Serene Jurgens is the one I wanted.

She's a librarian about 85 years old.

Well, you know what you want better than I do.

I'm-- This is very, very embarrassing.

Very embarrassing.

I was going to call you socially.

I really was, at another time, really.

Well, uh, let's see how it goes with Serene first, okay?

Good-bye.

God.

Damn it, Leo!

Excuse me.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

It's me. I'm back.

You and the old lady didn't hit it off?

You see, now I know who you are. Leo told me about you.

I was on my way out the door, he wrote your name on a scrap of paper.

Who could ask for more than that?

I'm calling you back because I wanted you to know

that I got the phone numbers mixed up.

I didn't want you to think I wasn't calling you.

I was. I mean, not then, but I am now.

For a date?

No, no, no, not yet.

I thought I would wait and explain the last call

before I went on with the next one.

Heh, I'm a little slow.

Which call are we on now?

This.

This is the call back explaining the dumb call.

The charming call will come after we hang up from this one.

If I got this message on my answering service,

I would need a private detective.

See, to tell you the absolute truth,

uh, I haven't made a phone call to a nice girl

in 12 years.

I don't think I was very good at it then,

so if I'm a little inept, please bear with me.

You seem ept enough.

Uh, the point is, Mister--

It's Schneider. I got it right here on the paper.

The point is, Mr. Schneider,

as I told Faye to tell Leo to tell you,

I may be leaving town next week.

I may be going to Washington to do some repertory work,

and this is a bad time to, well, meet anyone.

Sure, I understand.

Nice talking to you. Good-bye.

[CHUCKLES]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

This is the charming call.

Oh, I think I have a problem

on my hands.

No, no, you don't, I promise.

This is definitely our last conversation.

Then why did you call back?

I couldn't resist saying this is the charming call.

Seriously, I realize I'm intruding on your privacy,

I know how you feel,

but I like the sound of your voice

and the way you handle yourself.

I just wanted to say...

good luck with your repertory

and the rest of your life and, uh,

this is now the end of the charming call.

Good-bye.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

It couldn't be.

Hello?

You see, I was trying to place your voice all day--

California girl, right? UCLA?

No, I was born in Cleveland

and I went to Bennington in Vermont.

How about that? I was so close.

That's where I've just come from.

Bennington? No, Cleveland.

I was visiting family. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, what? Um...

Just uh-huh-- acknowledgment,

comprehension, I understand.

Oh, well, uh-huh to you, too.

You know, Leo did say that you were someone very special.

I, uh, I just didn't pay any attention.

Why not?

Well, his previous social arrangements

all ended up like the Andrea Doria.

And yet here you are calling me.

Well, only by mistake.

No, no, no, no, no.

The first call was a mistake.

The second one was a call back explaining the mistake.

The charming call was yours.

Yeah, that's true.

You have a good mind, Jennie MacLaine.

Now you see why you got the charming call.

Well, you're a writer, that's for sure.

This is what they call repartee, isn't it?

[CHUCKLES] No, this is what they call

amusing telephone conversation under duress.

Um, In case you didn't know, I'm a widower.

Yes, Faye told me.

Faye? Faye Medwick.

She's the one pushing from my side.

Leo is getting up a brochure on me.

We'll send you one as soon as they come in.

Did I call at a bad time?

I was just eating a salad.

Oh, I've got Chinese food.

What do you say we, uh, we, uh, take a quick dinner break?

Two spoonfuls?

OK.

[CRUNCHING SOUNDS]

Yours sounds a lot better than mine.

Um, next to your number here,

Leo wrote "divorcee."

He's very thorough, isn't he?

Did he put down blood type, too?

You know, I don't know if you've noticed this or not,

but, uh, we talk in the same rhythm.

Oh?

Oh? What's oh?

Second cousin to uh-huh.

Listen, you're a very interesting

telephone person, Mr. Schneider--

No, no, no, no, no. George. I mean, you might as well call me George.

I've got 40 cents invested in this relationship.

However, George,

I really am very exhausted,

and despite the charming call back,

which really was charming, I just don't have the energy

or the inclination to be equally as charming tonight.

Maybe some other time?

Good-bye, George.

Good-bye, George.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Were you sleeping?

I was just about to fall off.

Oh, good, well, I caught you just in time.

What is it now?

I, uh, I was thinking.

I mean, we really should be practical.

They're never going to let up, you know.

Who?

Uh, the pushers.

Leo and Faye.

I mean, they will persist, push, and prod

and leave telephone numbers on scraps of paper

until eventually we have that inevitable date.

Nothing is inevitable. Dates are manmade.

Oh, goddamn it!

What's wrong?

The Yanks left a man on third.

Now I really won't sleep.

See, well, my point is that

you apparently have an active career.

And I cannot work with Leo bugging me all the time,

so I propose,

in the interest of getting on with both of our lives,

that we get this meeting over with just as soon as possible.

Surely you jest. Just hear me out.

What if we were to meet for, say, five minutes?

We could say hello, look each other over, and then part company.

And tell Leo and Faye

they've fulfilled they're noble mission in life.

That's very funny.

I hear no laughter.

Because I don't think it's funny.

Listen, can I call you right back?

I have to take two aspirins. I've got a terrible headache.

Oh. Uh, well, that's all right. I'll call you back.

No, please-- that's how I got the headache.

555-4421.

This is getting exciting, isn't it?

Yes.

555-4421.

That's how she got the headache.

[SHORT BREATHS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You got to stop calling me like this.

I'm sorry. I lost my head.

So what do you think?

Quick, uh, 5-minute hello-goodbye

like two speedboats passing in the night?

Am I talking to a competent person?

Yeah, my, uh, my friends say I have a certain charm.

It's like gold though, you gotta pan for it.

And what if, during this five minutes,

we took a liking to each other?

Do you want to take a shot at six minutes?

But if you took a fancy to me,

and I didn't to you,

or God forbid, vice-versa, what then?

It's a new system. We haven't got all the bugs worked out yet.

[SIGHS]

Why am I intrigued by this?

When did you want this momentous occasion to take place?

Um, how about tomorrow night from 8:10-8:15?

I hate Leo and Faye.

-Where do you want to meet? -I don't know, uh...

You know a restaurant we could book a table at for five minutes?

Let's make it my place.

141 East 61st Street.

And write it down. You've got a bad history with numbers.

Well, it's a luck thing I got you.

Mrs. Jurgens and I could have been a hot item by now.

Listen, you don't think this a weird thing to do?

Yeah, it's the weirdest thing I ever came up with.

But we could be blazing a trail for millions of others.

And neither of us will be disappointed

if we're disappointed?

Please, let's not build down our hopes too much.

Good-bye.

That's smart. Smart move, George.

Dumb.

You are a dumb lady, Jennie MacLaine.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

God. God, what am I doing?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello. Oh, Faye, I can't talk to you now.

He's on his way up. George Schneider.

Yes, your George Schneider.

It's not a date. It's a look.

Faye, I'll call you back in five minutes.

Because that's all the look takes.

[GROANS]

[BUZZER]

Who is it?

Ah, five minute man.

Well, OK.

[LAUGHS] Is that a review?

No, no, just a response.

Hello.

Hello.

I think I've put a lot of pressure on these next five minutes.

You could cut it with a knife.

Well, I think, if you don't mind,

if I came in, it would lessen the tension.

Oh, my God, yes, please do come in.

Uh-huh.

Does that mean you comprehend my apartment?

No, uh, it means I like it.

Uh-huh can be used in many situations,

like buying a little time to get over opening-moment jitters.

[CHUCKLES] Sometimes a glass of white wine can do the job.

That's good thinking. Please, sit down.

Yeah. Is it all right if I pry?

Occupational hazard.

Oh, I understand, I generally motivate too much.

You a, you a football fan?

Oh, that's my ex-husband.

He was a wide receiver for the New York Giants.

No kidding. What's his name?

Gus Hendricks.

Gus Hendricks.

Sorry, I don't remember him.

Exactly how wide a receiver was he?

Well, he was cut in the beginning of his second year.

Bad hands, I think they call it.

He couldn't hold onto the football.

Yeah, well, some coaches can be very demanding.

What does he do now?

Well, he was in mutual funds.

He was partners in a saloon.

He was in broadcasting, sport promotion.

Very ambitious.

He did all those in three months.

He has some problems to work out.

Who doesn't? True enough.

Um, here's to working out problems.

Leo was right. You're very, uh, very attractive.

Thank you.

I'm-- I'm curious.

You don't have to answer this.

But, um, how was I described?

Not gorgeous, but an intelligent face.

Well, that's true, I have.

You can ask my face anything.

[CHUCKLES]

I like your perfume.

Oh, well, I may have overdone it.

I didn't know how much to put on for five minutes.

Do you think this was a dumb thing to do?

[LAUGHS] I thought so three minutes ago,

but I'm beginning to get the hang of it.

It was an idea born out of fear.

Necessity is the mother of calamity.

Do you write the way you talk?

This is not talking. This is impressing.

Talking comes later. Oh. Heh. Good.

I don't know.

No matter how old or experienced you are,

the process never seems to get any easier, does it?

What process?

Um, mating.

Mating? My God, is that what we're doing?

The first thing I did when you passed was inhale.

Got a whiff of your fragrance.

I don't know if you're aware, but in our particular specie,

the sense of smell is the determining factor in sexual attraction.

This is just a guess,

but do you write for Field and Stream?

Please. Give me a break. I'm doing this cold sober.

[LAUGHS]

To tell you the truth, you're not the first girl that Leo introduced me to.

What were the others like?

Like a walk down Broadway at 2:00 in the morning.

Oh...

First there was Bambi.

Her name should tell you everything.

I got the picture.

Then there was Vilma--

a dynamite girl. Really?

Yeah, she spent three years in a Turkish prison for carrying--

Dynamite?

You want me to go on? No, no, I've had enough.

Since then, I've decided to take everything Leo says with a grain of panic.

That's why I'm very surprised to be sitting here

with an attractive, intelligent,

and what appears to be a very nice girl.

Thank you.

I really enjoyed talking to you on the phone.

You're very bright. I found I had to stay on my toes to keep up with you.

I write it all down and memorize it.

Leave nothing to chance.

[LAUGHS]

First awkward moment of silence.

That's not bad for three minutes. No.

I could fill it in nicely with some cheese?

Cheese is good for awkward moments.

[LAUGHS]

Gus Hendricks-- second round draft pick out of Penn State,

dropped three touchdown passes against the Vikings,

never heard from again.

I didn't hear much from him either.

I'm 42.

Today?

No. Just in general.

Is that statement of some historic importance?

I just wanted you to know because you looked to be about in your late 20's,

and I feel like I'm acting 17 and I didn't want you to think I'm too young for you.

I'm 34.

34? That was a good year for women.

So, uh, what do you think?

About what? About me.

God, you really like to come right to the point, don't you?

I'm not always this direct, but we are fighting the clock.

Well, my hunch is you're a very interesting person, George.

Well, my advice to you is to play your hunches.

Um, can I get you more wine?

No, no thanks, I'd better be going.

Oh. Time's up? Well, I don't need anymore.

I think know what my next move is.

Really? What's that?

I'd like to make a regulation date.

Your basic, uh, normal hours, 7:00 to 12:00.

You mean, with grown-up clothes and make-up?

Bath, shower, everything.

You think we're ready for the big time?

Well, we just spent four minutes in the minors.

I think we can hold up.

OK, why not? Let's make it.

Perfect. What's today? Tuesday.

How's Wednesday? Wednesday works out well.

You could have played hard to get and make it Thursday.

Well, let's stick with Wednesday and I'll keep you waiting half an hour.

That's fair enough.

This was really, uh, very nice.

I'm glad we met, Jennie.

So am I, George.

I can't believe that you've come from

the same man that gave us Bambi and Vilma.

[CHUCKLES]

OK.

GEORGE: My first two books published

were what you call "artistic successes,"

Which means, "Write more, but not too soon."

And the spy novels?

Ah. Well, those I write under the name

of Kenneth Blakely-Hill.

Hyphen Hill?

You don't say the hyphen, you just put it there.

The Murg Makhni?

Yes. For me please.

What are you getting?

I forgot. What am I getting?

Curry Bombay.

Please be careful. Very hot.

Um, who picked the name

Kenneth, uh, whatever?

Oh, uh, Barbara, my wife.

They told us that spy novels

sell better when they sound English. [LAUGHS]

We spent our honeymoon in London.

We stayed at the Blakely Hotel,

which was on a hill.

And the hall porter's name was Kenneth.

If we had more money in those days,

my name might've been Kenneth Spoil-Bill.

[LAUGHS] My God!

Yes, I've seen them in airports and drugstores!

Yeah, unfortunately not in libraries. Mmm.

What-What-What is this that I ordered here?

It looks like something from Mutiny on the Bounty.

Would you rather have my chicken?

I love hot, spicy food.

No problem. I love adventure.

Ah, so, what plays have you been in?

Oh, you name it. Well, for two years I was with

the Shakespeare Festival at Stratford.

And then I did a season of rep in Minneapolis.

Uh, The Cherry Orchard at Circle in the Square.

And, uh, then I was in two shows that never got to New York,

and one that did but shouldn't have, and...

Are you all right?

Is it too spicy?

Too hot?

Are you in pain?

[SMALL GRUNT]

Well, uh, drink some of the water.

Go ahead.

[LAUGHING]

Is your mouth all right?

[LOUD GASP]

You talk for a while. I'll catch up, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

[♪♪♪]

For you!

You're so brazen. I know.

Hey. Oh, wait.

We'll be back Wednesday.

You hang around, huh?

Lawrence, huh?

Are you sure you don't have to work today?

No, my typewriter's on automatic.

I mean, an idea writes while I'm out.

JENNIE: Schittel, Shiskel,

Schlumberger,

Schneider! Here!

The Glass Hat. Is that it?

Vivian? Vivian Schneider?

Do I look like Vivian Schneider?

I'm sorry, I have nothing

in our back catalog by a George Schneider.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sold out.

♪ Everywhere you go, sold out ♪

♪ Doh, doh, sold ♪

This is the most we haven't said to each other all week.

What are you thinking about?

I'm thinking you're terrific.

Maybe we should always keep quiet like this.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

He's incredible, isn't he?

Yes, yes.

Are you bored?

No, I love it.

I've had enough.

Good, let's go.

I'm a doctor.

What's happening to me?

I suddenly can't stand anything cultural.

Yes, I know. It's infatuation.

It makes you stupid.

It also makes you unable to walk.

Yo! Where are we going?

My place. The Yanks are playing the Red Sox.

You said it wasn't on TV.

Who said we had to watch?

His place.

It's dark. Aren't you going to turn on--

My God.

I hope that was you, George.

[♪♪♪]

So?

It's really lovely.

It really is.

I thought it would look exactly like this.

Well, so did I.

Would you like to take the tour?

Sure, what time does it leave?

I think you can catch the last one now. Okay.

This is the living room.

Uh-huh.

And this is the stairway that leads to the bedroom.

Mm-hmm.

This is the rug...

that lies on the floor that covers the wood

of the house that Kenneth hyphen Hill built.

I want to see everything.

Well, we could start with the bedroom.

OK.

If we start with the bedroom,

we could end with the bedroom.

Endings are just beginnings backwards.

It's going to be a fortune cookie romance, huh?

All right...

These are the steps.

And this is the carpet.

This is the banister.

This is the dust on the banister.

JENNIE: You looked about 12 years old right now.

GEORGE: Mmm. That's great.

17 last week, 12 this week.

Next week I'll disappear.

My God... Hmm?

Do you realize it's only been 10 days?

What?

It's only been 10 days.

Sometimes, I get the feeling

we're at least into our 5th year.

Oh. Well, maybe we are.

Have you checked the papers lately?

No.

No, I mean it.

It just doesn't feel like a new relationship at all.

I feel like we started in the middle somewhere

of something that began

a long, long time ago.

A long, long time ago?

A long, long time ago.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Like reincarnated lovers?

[LAUGHING]

Yes?

Oh, maybe.

What do you think we were?

Well, me-- I-I-I was Aristotle.

Heh. Of course.

And you... Yes?

You, you're an usherette at the Acropolis.

No, no, no, no.

You want to be Plato? I mean, there was a lot of talk in those days.

Forget it, forget it, forget it.

I just want to be Jennie and George.

You're the sweetest girl.

What is it, George?

What-- What's happening?

Nothing. It's all right.

It's all right, George.

Whatever you're feeling, it's OK.

I try to push her out of my mind,

and, uh, I can't do it.

I've tried, Jennie.

There isn't a day that goes by

I don't think about her.

And...

Along comes Jennie, and I...

I can't get what I'm really feeling straight in my mind.

It's all happening so fast.

You expect so much of yourself so soon.

No matter what you're feeling now, George,

I just want you to know

that I love you.

I don't expect any more than what you're giving me right now.

Just...

Just stay with me?

Give me the time to tell you

how happy you make me feel.

I'm not going to go anywhere.

You can't lose me.

I know a good thing when I see it.

I suddenly felt sick in there.

I didn't know what it was.

It turns out to be

a mild case of ecstasy.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hut! Hut! Hut!

[MEN CLAMORING]

[SEVERAL MEN CELEBRATING]

Leo, you mad at me?

Is that why you hired those guys to kill me?

One pass, one goddamn pass you throw me all afternoon.

I'm blocking my ass off out there. You can throw me one lousy pass.

Do me a favor. Go screw yourself. Alright, George?

What's wrong? Nothing.

Marilyn's leaving me.

Leo...

Leo, are you serious?

What is that, a joke-- my wife wants to leave me?

Why?

She's got a list, ask her. She'll show it to you.

She doesn't like my lifestyle.

She doesn't like the hours I keep,

my business, my friends,

my indifference...

my attitude,

my coldness, and our marriage.

Otherwise, we're in good shape.

I said to her, "Marilyn, you show me a press agent

"who comes home at 6:00 and I'll show you a man

who can't even get Jimmy Carter's name in the papers."

She's not going to leave you, Leo.

This has been going on for years, right.

Not this time.

She's leaving me the morning after Pinocchio.

Pinocchio? What's that?

Tina's doing Pinocchio in school.

Marilyn doesn't want to upset her until it's over.

The kid isn't even playing the lead.

She's a heron-- they get swallowed by the whale.

When's the show?

Friday night.

The only chance I have to keep her

is if the show runs four years.

Thank you.

The trouble with marriage is that it's relentless.

Every morning when you wake up,

it's still there.

If I could just get a leave of absence every once in awhile.

I used to get 'em all the time in the Army.

I always came back.

Oh well, another 30, 35 years, it'll all be over, right?

You're a very interesting man, Leo.

Someday I'm going to have to get to know you.

In the meantime, I met this terrific girl.

Who? Jennie? Yeah.

You went out with her? Yeah.

You like her?

Yeah, I like her. I more than like her.

That's wonderful. I only spoke to her for two minutes,

but you see, she had a spark, a vitality about her.

I knew she would interest you.

More than interested, Leo. I'm crazy about her.

Listen, I don't blame you.

If I wasn't married, I would've beaten you to the punch.

Isn't that terrific?

I'm in love with her. I'm crazy about her.

Well, we'll see. The point is, you enjoy being with her.

At this time of your life, that's very important.

I'm going to marry her, Leo.

Look, it's possible.

I hope so.

She seems very sweet, very bright.

She could be wonderful for you.

When things calm down and you get back to your old self again,

I would love to see it happen.

Look, I got to run. I'll call you on the weekend.

See if the guys want to play. So long, George.

Leo!

We're getting married Monday morning, 10:00 a.m.,

Judge Lowenthal's chambers.

I'd like you and Marilyn to be there.

Twelve seconds. How could you marry a girl

I spoke to in a theater line for 12 seconds?

I am not marrying a girl.

I am marrying Jennie. Jennie MacLaine.

Oh, good! You know both names!

Well, that, yeah-- Then you must've had a chance to talk to her.

I've lived with her for 20 hours a day...

over the last two weeks.

I know everything I want to know about her, alright?

Two weeks? You've known her for two weeks?

I eat eggs that are boiled for two weeks!

What the hell is two weeks?

What happened to how interesting she was?

What happened to "her vitality and sparkle"?

Hey, can't you wait to see

if she still sparkles in six months?

Six days, six months, what the hell difference does it make?

I only knew Barbara for, what, eight weeks?

The marriage lasted 12 years.

George, George, you're vulnerable now. You understand?

You're in no shape to make a decision like this.

Leo, I am not self destructing.

I'm not going to do anything to hurt Jennie and me.

I love her, I want to be with her,

and I want to make this commitment.

It's my fault, George.

I never should have introduced you to Bambi.

After Bambi, you're ready for anything.

I think marrying her is a class "A" idea, Leo.

Oh, right. What, is she Cinderella?

Is she leaving at 12:00? Wait!

You'd wait six weeks for a dentist appointment.

And that's with pain in your mouth.

Listen... Look, Have dinner with us.

Check her out. Bring Marilyn along.

I don't think a couple breaking up

is the best company for a couple starting out.

Look, George, wait a month. Wait a month for me.

I'm not marrying you.

Look, I'll tell you what. You wait a month for me,

and I'll wait a month for you.

I'll try to work things out with Marilyn.

Somehow, for a month, I'll keep us together

if you and Jennie will do the same.

We're not trading baseball cards here.

I mean, this is my life, and that's your marriage.

Save it for you and Marilyn, not me.

Look, why can't she move in with you? Is she against that?

She's not a Mormon or anything, is she?

Leo, we are wasting a lot of time.

This conversation just used up our entire engagement period.

Look, George... George,

what I'm trying to say is, deal with the past before you start something new.

Make sure that Barbara doesn't get in between you and Jennie.

Sleep on it. Take 12 Valium.

Wake up in a month.

She'll, uh, she'll wait if I ask her?

Ask her.

She'll move in if I ask her?

Yeah, so please, George, ask her.

Monday morning. [INDISTINCT] I'm wearing a blue suit.

Would you mind if I talked to her? Told her how I felt about this?

Damn right I do. She doesn't need an interview to get into this family.

You're absolutely sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

I hope so.

What the hell am I doing in publicity?

I was born to be a Jewish mother.

I feel like I'm in one of your spy novels.

Who goes first?

You. I can see yours.

Happy whatever.

[LOUD TEARING]

Oh, you shouldn't have.

That's your first two books.

Doubleday said to order them from the publisher.

Yeah. They're bound in leather. Mm-hmm.

Guaranteed to last as long as Dickens and Balzac.

I'm-- I'm speechless. I don't know what to say.

The binding is beautiful,

but to think I sold two more books...

Now me.

George. What have you done?

It's a car.

Oh!

It's beautiful.

It's your basic wholesale engagement ring.

But we're only gonna be engaged for three more days.

With what I paid, that's all it's gonna last.

Let's go someplace where we can thank each other properly.

[RUSTLING PAPER]

They don't make quiet paper.

[WATER SPLASHING]

Oh!

My God! Two more days to get myself into shape.

I'll never make it.

Aren't you gonna come in?

What for? I'm already married.

God!

You sound terrible. What is it?

Well, we're not going away for the holidays.

Sidney's ear infection still hasn't cleared up.

He's lost his sense of balance.

He keeps rolling away from me in bed.

Oh, come on, Faye.

You can't tell me things are worse at home than they are on the soap.

Jen?

If I ask you a favor, will you promise not to ask me any questions?

Sure.

Um, how long are you gonna keep your apartment?

Well, my lease is up in two months. Why?

Would you lend me the key?

I have to get dressed.

Jennie, wait a minute.

Jen, this is important to me.

Why do you want the key?

[SCOFFS] You promised no questions.

Well, that was before I knew the favor.

Alright, if you want it, you can have it.

But if it's something stupid, Faye, please don't do it.

Well, then forget the key.

'Cause I don't know any smart way of having an affair.

Christ!

What have you done?

Nothing yet. That's why I need the key.

[GROANS]

Jen, huh?

I don't want to know who it is.

It's a secret I'll keep to my grave.

Why, Faye, why are you doing this?

It's not important why, it's just important that I do it.

Don't you understand, Jennie? If I don't have something like an affair, I'll scream.

Then scream.

Well, I thought I'd try this first.

Well, you're a grown-up person.

I guess you know what you're doing.

The hell I do!

Is it mundane of me to point out that you are not making any sense.

What does? Why are you getting married to a man

you've known only two weeks,

who was married to a woman he idolized for 12 years,

because yesterday was lousy.

It seems right today.

I'll worry about tomorrow the day after.

Okay. I'll get you the key

and a map of all the quick exits from the apartment.

So, in other words you intend to keep acting.

Sure, certainly.

I mean, I won't travel as much, but I could never give it up. It's my work.

It's what I do best.

I majored in Political History in college.

Got halfway through my thesis when I married Leo.

Maybe I'll get to finish it one day.

Jennie, have you seen the horse? Did you show her the horse? We have a horse.

You gotta see the horse. Do you like horses?

I don't know any.

We have the worst goddamned horse in the world.

Eats $20 a day, won't let anybody ride him and craps up the entire two acres.

Maybe this is a thrill I could miss.

Nah, come on. I want a few minutes to talk to you alone.

It sounds serious. No, not at all.

I just wanted to chat. Okay.

It's beautiful up here, isn't it? Uh-huh!

[GASPS] Oh, God. [HORSE WHINNIES]

Hello.

Ohh...

What's his name?

Who cares? When you call him, he doesn't move.

So, what's on your mind?

Um, I don't know.

Where do I begin?

I don't want this to come out crudely.

I suppose that, um--

I mean, my feeling is, uh--

You think George and I are going too fast?

Thank you. Why can't I think that clearly?

What is it you're afraid will happen?

I once did some PR work for an insurance company.

They published a report

that the greatest loss to a man or a woman

was the death of a husband or wife.

Not even the loss of a child was considered as devastating.

In time, most people work it through.

But it, uh... it needs the time, Jen.

I see.

So, what I'm trying to say is, um...

please consider waiting.

Maybe you should get the past over with before you both start something new.

God, how naive I am!

I thought we were coming in here for you to tell me how happy George is.

I thought I was gonna get your blessing, not a warning.

It's not a warning, it's a discussion.

Just let me get angry for a second.

I think I'm entitled.

Leo, I can only deal with one thing at a time.

Let me experience my happiness

before I have to start dealing with the tragedies.

Getting married is a scary enough proposition.

I'm goddamned petrified.

Why?

Because he loved her.

Because he was devastated when she died.

And because I'm gonna move into that woman's house Monday afternoon.

That's my point.

Leo.

He feels he's ready to start living his life again.

I feel very fortunate I'm the one he wants to live it with.

Do you understand that?

I'm beginning to.

I mean, I'm the one that's gambling here, not you.

But I'll tell you something.

Even if what we're doing isn't right,

I'll make it right.

GIRL: Lunch is ready.

Who wants corn? Speak up, we gotta plant it right away.

[♪♪♪]

LEO: I'll be down in five minutes. You okay?

MARILYN: I'm fine!

Marilyn, we don't have to be civil to each other through their entire marriage,

just for the wedding, okay?

[RING]

Hello.

Okay. I'll take it.

Hello, Ma.

Ma, I can't talk to you right now, I'm leaving in two minutes.

I told you everything about her last night.

Her father sells insurance in Cleveland.

Yes, he also lives there, that's why he works there.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ma--

Ma, you'll meet them all when you come up from Florida.

Hold it, Ma.

Hold it, the doorbell's ringing.

No, mine.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

What?

I will pay for the entire honeymoon if you'll take my wife with you.

What's wrong with your face? What is that, a suicide attempt?

It won't stop bleeding. We got any royalty in the family?

Yeah, King Irving from White Plains. Where's your shoes?

Oh, Christ!

You know, I slept 12 minutes last night and I woke up twice during the 12 minutes.

Come on, hurry up, hurry up. This judge gives you a fine if you're late.

Who is she? I mean, really, who? Who is she?

I'm marrying a girl I don't know who the hell she is.

Hey, don't start with me.

You drove me and all your friends half crazy.

Now, sorry, George, but you gotta go through with it.

'Cause I already hired the limousine.

Move.

Hey, uh... I can't breathe.

You can't breathe?

I can't, I swear, I can't breathe.

I mean, I picked a hell of a day not to breathe, right? What do I do?

I tell you what. I'll buy you a balloon. You can suck on it.

Come on, let's go. Show some compassion for Christ's sake.

You think getting married is easy?

Who's on the phone?

Oh, Jesus, it's Ma. Will you talk to her, please?

Ma! How's it going, babe?

My what?

It's not a cold. It's Leo.

Leo-- your son's brother.

Right.

Yeah, look, Ma, we gotta run, okay?

I'll call you. Bye-bye.

What the hell are you doing? What is that? [INDISTINCT]

Give me that. Come on. We'll do this in the car.

You're right, Leo. It's all too soon. I didn't even have breakfast yet.

I'll buy you an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's.

Come on. Come on. Come on!

[♪♪♪]

Am I the only one that's crying?

I'll tell you, the judge had a bad eye.

I think he married me and George.

Have a wonderful trip, Jennie.

I'm very happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Marilyn. Listen, we'll all have dinner as soon as we get back, okay?

All right.

Here's your plane tickets and complete honeymoon instructions.

Now, come out of your room at least once a week. Food is very important.

I'm so sorry Sidney couldn't be here.

Me, too. Listen, whatever you decide to do,

it's all right with me.

Ohh...

I have never been so envious of anyone in my entire life.

Oh, I love you, Faye.

Thanks for everything, Leo.

Okay, let's go.

Um, which one of you is Jennie?

Me! Ah. Come on.

Good-bye! MARILYN: Bye!

FAYE: Bye-bye!

LEO: Good-bye! Bye-bye!

West Indies, please!

Bye! Catch, somebody!

[♪♪♪]

[JENNIE GASPS] Oh, my God!

GEORGE: What do you think?

JENNIE: Oh! It's okay, if you like perfection.

GEORGE: Well, it's all fake. It's rear projection, it's for the tourists.

Oh, my God!

George, this is fabulous!

Can we afford this?

It's alright. I worked out a deal.

We're sharing it with six other couples.

And a pool!

We have our own pool! Did you see that we have our own pool?

No, that's not ours. That's mine.

Yours is around back. It's a little one.

What do you wanna do first?

What do you wanna do first?

Okay. What do you wanna do second?

[NO AUDIO]

[♪♪♪]

So, where did a New York boy like you learn to fish?

We had a very large bathtub.

Oh, my God. I got something!

Are you serious? What?

Where? George, that's wonderful!

What is it?

It's smoked salmon. Give me a bagel, quick!

Oh. [SCREAMS]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What?

What? What?

You're staring at me.

Who else should I stare at? They put you at my table.

Oh.

You look great.

Thanks.

Did I buy that dress?

Nope. I did.

It cost me two years of commercials.

You want to dance?

I don't know.

I'm a professional dancer. I'm here on vacation.

Up, please.

You're just fair. Mezzo mezzo.

Well, my-my toes are all sunburned.

JENNIE: Uh-huh.

George.

Hmm?

I thought that was you. Lee Michaels.

It's George Schneider, isn't it?

Yes.

We had the cottage next to you and your wife.

You were just, what, married a couple of months? You remember Gwen?

Hi. How are you? This is my wife, Jennie.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

How do you do?

Yeah, we come down here every couple of years now.

We brought the kids with us this time.

Listen, we were really sorry to hear about--

Barbara.

Barbara.

A lovely, lovely girl.

Thank you.

Gwen lost her sister two months ago.

We know how you must have--

Well, anyway, you're really looking good.

Nice seeing you. Nice.

It was nice meeting you. Bye.

Enjoy yourselves.

Well, thank you.

For what?

For, uh, not always saying what you must be thinking.

GEORGE: How do you feel about kids?

JENNIE: That's not an uninteresting question.

I don't know.

I know I wasn't ready before.

I had enough to deal with just trying to make the marriage work.

How do you feel?

Barbara was pregnant twice.

Lost them both.

Maybe we were better off.

George.

George.

Are you all right?

I didn't even hear you get up.

Haven't you able to sleep?

What's wrong?

It's so stupid.

What's stupid?

Coming back here.

I didn't think--

I just remembered how pretty it was. I thought you'd like it.

Oh, but I do!

I think that's even the same cottage we stayed in.

Oh, George.

I don't remember. I don't remember.

Well, look, uh, we don't have to stay here.

I mean, there are other hotels we could go to.

It's a hell of a way to start a marriage.

Why did we come?

I don't know.

You tell me.

I wish I could.

Oh, you're cold as ice!

Please, just come back to bed.

I will. I will.

Later, I promise. Alright?

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

So, what do you want to do today?

You want to go scuba diving or bottom fishing?

I understand there's some buried treasure around. [INDISTINCT]

It might make a good Kenneth Hyphen Hill story in it.

Not too crazy about buried treasure, okay?

Um...

Would you like to see how they make coral necklaces?

Wanna get stoned and see how they make coral necklaces?

Whatever you want.

Well, what I would like is to know what you want to do, George.

I mean, you wanna go off in a boat by yourself, it's okay. I understand.

Look, what do you want me to do?

How do you want me to handle this?

I just--

I don't have any experience at it.

I'd like to go back today.

You mean back home?

There's a 3:00 plane. I checked with the desk clerk.

He said he could get us on it.

Did you?

I'm glad the two of you worked things out.

We're just gonna get trouble if we stay here, Jen.

I don't mind going back, I swear to God,

as long as I know when we get there, we can start tomorrow fresh.

Can we do that, please?

I'm trying, Jen.

I know you are.

I understand what you must be going through.

I'll tell them we're checking out.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Is there any mail for me?

You've only been living here 38 seconds.

Is there anything soft to drink?

Uh, there's some beer I can strain for you, if you like.

No, thanks. We have all the strain we can handle.

Wanna share an open bottle of Pepsi?

There's none of that annoying fizz to worry about.

How many glasses of wine did you have on the airplane?

Two.

How many?

Four.

You had seven.

I had six.

Two at the airport. That's eight.

All right, eight, it wasn't seven, but don't accuse me of having seven.

You're tight.

Oh, God.

George, is that what's been bothering you all day?

That I had too much to drink?

I'm sorry. I just don't like flying.

I asked you to hold my hand but you wouldn't. So, I drank some wine instead.

I did hold your hand. While I was holding it, you drank my wine.

Listen, I'm hungry.

What do you say we go to Joe Allen's and get a delicious hot chiliburger.

Look, I'm, uh, I'm really tired.

If you want one, go yourself.

Oh, come on, George.

A gorgeous, fattening, [INDISTINCT], greasy, chiliburger--

Goddamn it, will you cut it out!

I'm sorry.

How many times I gotta tell you, I don't want a goddamn chili hamburger!

Chiliburger. The ham is silent, like Hyphen Hill.

Oh, that's-that's very, very good. That's very good.

Drink two gallons of wine, the repartee gets really quick.

Well, never as quick as you, George.

I'm just a dumb old country girl from Cleveland.

Listen, I am walking a very fine line tonight.

There are a lot of things I want to say

that I think will just get us both in trouble.

I don't want to deal with it, alright?

All right?

I'd just as soon hear what you have to say, George.

I don't think you do.

Why don't we let me be responsible for what I want to hear?

Well, as honeymoons go, I don't think you got much of a break.

Really?

I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought it was pretty wonderful.

I don't know what you've experienced in the past,

but I found me a little on the moody side.

Two days out of six isn't much of a complaint, which I never did.

And I think we ought to limit this discussion to present honeymoons.

You can't get to the present without going through the past.

Why don't you ever ask me questions?

I mean, why do you treat our lives as though

there never was a day that happened before we met.

Because, I'm not overly curious, that's why.

I mean, if there are things that you wanna tell me, then tell me!

But, Christ, does it have to be my first night in this house?

Well, I was wondering when that perfectly calm exterior was gonna crack.

Thank God for a little antagonism.

Antagonism, hell, this is pure fear.

I have terrific animal instincts.

I know when my life is about to be threatened.

Aren't you, uh...

Aren't you even curious to know who the hell we are?

You've got some goddamned romantic image

of this man with a tragic past right out of Jane Eyre.

You're the one with the writer's imagination, not me.

All right. Tell me about Gus.

Hmm? I mean, he's got to be more than some-some

comic figure with a football jersey. Tell me something about him.

Tell me about your honeymoon. Was he a good lover, was he a bad lover?

Or was that something else he fumbled on the five-yard line?

Jesus Christ, do you expect me to stand here

and give you a detailed description of what it was like in bed with him?

That's what you wanna hear?

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Forget it.

Why are you doing this to me, George?

I don't understand what it is you want.

Talk to me.

Don't shut off, please.

I get...

so lost when you shut me out. Please don't!

I will do anything that is gonna make us move closer to each other.

I said forget it.

No, goddamn it!

You're not gonna walk away after you've opened me up!

I went through one marriage ignorant as hell.

Let me learn from this one!

I am not gonna blow off five years of analysis in one night

because you do not have the nerve to finish what you started.

You want questions? All right.

Let's ask questions. Do you want to go first?

You're doing fine on your own.

All right.

Tell me about Barbara.

She was terrific.

Well, I know that she was pretty.

There are enough pictures of her around here.

Tell me about your honeymoon. You went to Europe, didn't you?

Yes. We went to Paris, London, Rome.

If you want a romantic description, it was a knockout.

I got the adjectives, George. What about the specifics?

Big room? Small room?

A view of the park overlooking the Seine? A four-poster bed?

What was the wallpaper like?

Stop, please.

Why? What's wrong?

Do you want to make out a list of what is safe to talk about

and what is hands-off?

I don't have the strength for this kind of thing anymore.

You were doing just fine a few minutes ago.

I'm sorry, I just--

I'm not up to it tonight.

George, why is it so painful?

What are you feeling now?

Do you think that I expect you to behave a certain way?

No, I expect it. I expect it.

I expect a full...

commitment from myself.

I did it 12 years ago, and I can't do it now.

But I'm in no hurry.

What you're giving me now is enough.

I know the rest will come.

How do you know?

I mean, how do you know?

What makes you so goddamned-- so wise and so smart?

Stop being so goddamned understanding! It bores the crap out of me!

The crap out of me!

Then what do you want?

Do you want bitterness, anger, fury?

You want me to behave the way Barbara did, is that it?

Well, I am not Barbara! And I'll be goddamned

if I'm gonna recreate her life just to make my life with you work.

This is our life now, George!

And the sooner that we accept that,

the sooner that we can get on with this marriage.

You're not Barbara, that's for sure.

Oh, boy. If you wanted to hurt you didn't have to work--

I'm sorry. You give me so much room to be cruel.

I mean, I don't know when to stop. And you resent me for it.

No, I resent you for everything! Why?!

I don't-I don't feel like making you happy tonight.

But--

And I don't feel like having a wonderful time.

I don't think I wanted a terrifically wonderful honeymoon.

If you want happiness, go find yourself another goddamned football player!

I resent everything that you want out of marriage that I've already had,

for making me dig so deep to give it to you again.

And I resent being at "L" or "M" and having to go back to "A".

And most of all, most of all I resent

not being able to say in front of you that I miss Barbara so very much!

Oh, Christ!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I need some outside help.

What do you want to do now?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't want to make any promises I can't keep.

I don't know.

Oh, Christ.

WOMAN: And then I came out of Styron's Drugstore

and ran into Judi Claire.

And she said, "Well, if you were just buying yourself hairnets,

I'd march right back in there and purchase myself a bottle

of that Blue Night perfume you love so fondly

because a certain very gallant, debonair,

and extremely attractive young man in Uncle Sam's khaki

has just stepped off the train in Hannibal,

with his chest bulging with colored ribbons

and his eyes searching everywhere

for a certain Sally Ann Bedelia."

MAN: Thanks a lot. Would you wait just a minute, please?

Hey, Jennie. Where are you going? You're up next.

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Marty.

I told them I didn't think I could get through it today.

Are you sick? Do you want to sit down for a while?

No, really, um...

I just have too much respect for Joe Papp to go up unprepared.

I've had other things on my mind besides the work.

They're not gonna wait. They're going to cast that part today.

Oh.

We all have our priorities. Thanks anyway.

Now, look, we'd better finish this conversation on Thursday.

I'll call you back, okay, Tom? Right. Good-bye.

Hey, I'm sorry, Faye.

FAYE: Forget it.

Look, it was an important call. I had to take it.

It's not taking it that bothered me.

It's when you took it that I felt was badly timed.

Half my gross income depended on that call.

He's my biggest client.

You actually left this number?

I changed taxis three times

and walked with a limp into the building,

and you gave out this number.

Jesus, you're so tense.

You've been tense since I walked in the door.

I knew when I came in and we shook hands

things weren't going to be relaxed.

Oh, Leo, I'm no good at this.

I'm-I'm nervous. I'm clumsy.

I'm so sorry about your shoes.

Hey, it's just a little red wine. They're practically dry.

Jesus, you are pretty, Faye.

No, I'm not.

Don't you tell me you're not. I say you're pretty.

Okay, I'm pretty. I don't want to argue.

You're pretty, you're sweet, and you're soft.

You've done this a lot, haven't you?

No, maybe once.

No, you have done this a lot.

A few times, I swear, but they were never important to me.

Today is important to me.

Please, Leo.

A lot of meaningless affairs

does not raise my appreciation of what we're doing.

You know, it's not the phone call that's bothering you.

It's something else.

You know what your problem is?

You don't have a good enough reason to be here.

That's what my analyst said.

You told your analyst about this? What the hell for?

Did you name names?

Don't worry. I'm probably never gonna see him again anyway.

It doesn't seem to be doing me much good.

Oh, I don't know, Leo.

I just need something in my life.

I've tried transcendental meditation,

health foods, and jogging.

And I am now serenely, tranquilly,

and more robustly unhappy than I have ever been before.

Because you won't relax.

You're making more out of this than it is.

So far, it isn't anything.

Oh, Leo, it's not the actual act.

It's the--

I don't know.

The gaudiness.

Jesus, Faye.

You are so much more interesting looking

than you were eight years ago.

You have so much character in your face.

Why does that not overjoy me?

And why is life going by so fast, Leo?

First, I was pretty.

Now, I'm interesting looking with character.

Soon I'll be handsome, followed by stately,

and then, worst of all,

finally, remarkable for her age.

Why do you take such a gloomy perspective of things?

Gloom is the enemy of a good time.

You know, Leo, you're right.

I don't have a good enough reason to be here.

I-- because what I want I can't have.

I want what Jennie has--

the excitement of being in love again.

I'm so jealous of her I could scream.

I did for her what I wish I could have done for myself.

And in return, I got her apartment

to do exactly what I swore when I was young and pretty

I would never end up doing when I became interesting looking with character.

I think you're a very confused person, Faye.

I've noticed that.

Well...

I think you'd better leave first, Leo.

I want to stay for a while and practice my limp.

I'm not a hypocrite, Faye.

At least I know why I'm here today.

Tell me about it, Leo.

The cold, brutal truth?

I always need something new in my life.

That's why I like show business.

Another opening every three weeks.

I can't be monogamous, Faye.

What can I do, take shots for it? I'm sorry.

In our system, I'm put down as a social criminal.

I can't be faithful to my wife, and I hate the guilt that comes from fooling around.

So, I compromise, have a lot of unpleasurable affairs.

What makes it worse is I really do care for Marilyn.

I can't stop and I don't expect her to understand.

So we end up hurting each other.

I don't like crawling into bed and feeling the back a cold, angry woman.

And I don't like you coming up here under any false pretenses.

You see, I'd love to make love to you, Faye,

but that's the end of the sentence.

I don't want the excitement of being in love again.

I don't want to hurt anybody anymore.

I just want a little dispassionate passion.

Let George and Jennie handle all the romance of the east coast.

The man is half-crazed right now, and he's welcome to it.

But I'll tell you what I do want.

I want a woman who looks like you and feels like you

and thinks exactly like me.

Is that all there is for people like us, Leo?

It could be a lot if you look at it from the right perspective.

Hmm.

Maybe that's my problem.

Leo, um, before you go,

would you mind giving me one warm,

sincere, passionate kiss?

I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna go home empty-handed.

Hold onto your sheet.

Kissing is my main thing.

Green shirt, green shirt...

Oh!

Oh, God!

I am sorry!

I should have called!

It's all right, it's okay. You know, there's no harm done.

We're all adults here. These things happen.

We just got to be mature.

Oh, shut up, Leo!

I just came to get some of my clothes. I can do it later.

I am so sorry! Good-bye, Faye.

Good-bye, Leo. Say hello to Mar--

Good-bye.

This is one of those situations in life

that a lot of people find humor in.

I don't.

Hi.

Hi.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT] You got a few messages.

I don't know if you can read my writing.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

Helen Franklin called.

Said you had a reading

for the new Tom Stoppard play at 10:00 Monday.

And, uh, Faye called a few minutes ago.

She said it was urgent she talk to you,

and could you have lunch with her Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

I'm sorry. I'm not listening.

I-I can't take my eyes off your suitcase.

Um, I tried to explain everything in a letter.

I left it on the bed.

Good. I was afraid I wasn't getting any mail lately.

Where are you going?

Um, Los Angeles.

Someone at Paramount is interested in

The Duchess of Limehouse as a film.

Oh.

When did all this come up?

Yesterday.

Well, um, how long will you be gone?

I don't know.

Well, where are you staying?

I don't know.

Are you just going to circle the airport for a few days?

You never lose your equilibrium, do you?

Oh, you think not?

I'd hate to see an X-ray of my stomach right about now.

I don't think, um,

being apart for a couple days is gonna do us any damage.

No worse than being together the last few days.

[SIGHS]

If you want to get in touch with me, Leo knows where I am.

And I'll know where Leo is.

Well, I don't think I have anything else to say.

I have no statements to make at this time.

I'm... glad a lot of work is coming your way.

I know that's important to you.

Oh, I'm glad you know what's important to me, George.

If you'd told me five years ago I could have saved doctor money.

God! It's really interesting how all this worked out.

You pack up and go and leave me with all your memories.

Well, if you're going to go, go!

Well, go on! Get the hell out of here! Leave!

It's okay. I've got a couple minutes.

Oh, isn't it amazing?

The minute that I get abusive and angry

is one of the few times I can really hold your attention.

But what can I say that will really hurt you, George?

I want to send you off happy.

Oh, you!

[SOBBING]

I don't know what you expect to find out there!

Except maybe a larger audience for your two shows a day of suffering.

Oh, God.

You know what you want better than me.

Maybe I can't analyze and theorize

and speculate on why we behave as we do

and react as we do

and suffer guilt and love and hate.

You read all those books, not me.

But one thing I do know.

I know how I feel.

I can stand here and watch you try to destroy the most important thing in my life,

wanting to just smash your face with my fist

because you don't even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness.

And still, I know that I love you.

It's always so clear to me.

It's where I get all my strength from.

You mean so much to me.

I'm willing to suffer your insults and abuse,

and insensitivities

because I know that's what you need to prove that I'm not going to leave you.

I can't promise you I'm not going to die, George,

but if you want to test me, go ahead.

Test me. If you wanna leave, leave.

But I am not gonna be the one that walks away.

I won't be able to take it forever.

But I can take it for tonight.

And I can take it for next week.

Next month, maybe I'll be a little bit shaky.

But let me tell you something.

No matter what you say, about me,

I feel so good about myself,

better than I felt when I ran from Cleveland and was scared to death of New York.

And better than I felt when Gus used to come home at 2:00 a.m. just to change his clothes.

And better than I felt the night before we got married

and I thought I wasn't good enough for you.

Well, I am! I am wonderful!

I'm nuts about me!

If you're stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside,

you don't deserve as good as you've got!

Oh, I am so tired of running from people and places

and relationships.

I want a home, I want a family,

and I want a career.

I want everything.

And there is no harm in wanting it, George,

because there isn't a chance in hell we're gonna get it all anyway.

But if you don't want it,

you've got even less chance than that.

Everybody's out there running around trying to find easy answers.

God, if they don't find them at home, hop into some other bed.

Maybe you'll come up lucky.

Maybe.

You would be surprised at some of the "maybes" I have seen lately.

Well, none of that is for me.

If you want me, you gotta fight for me.

I'm fighting like hell for you.

I think we're both worth it.

I apologize for taking up so much of your valuable time.

I am now through.

Well... I'll tell you one thing.

I'm glad you're on my side.

You mean it?

Well, I'm no doctor,

but I can tell you right now,

you're one of the healthiest people I ever met in my life.

I sure don't look it.

I want to...

go over there and take you in my arms right now and say,

"The bad part is over, let's go get a chiliburger."

But I can't, Jen.

I'm stuck--

Glued to the floor like some overstuffed chair.

It's just driving me crazy.

I could rearrange the furniture.

Don't make it so easy for me.

I'm fighting to hang onto self-pity,

and I run into the most understanding girl in the world.

But you're-you're still going?

Maybe...

Maybe I can get unstuck in Los Angeles.

I'll be at the Chateau Marmont Hotel.

George, couldn't I go with you?

I wouldn't bother you. I would just watch.

Then the people next door would watch,

soon we'd have a crowd.

Where to, sir?

Kennedy Airport, please.

Will you stop watching me?

We don't have to stay if you don't want to.

I want to stay.

Come on. Let's go.

He'll probably never let me in here again.

So, what do you want to do now?

I want to get on the next plane to California.

What would you do, Faye?

I would get on the next plane to California.

No, I think the smart thing to do is just leave him alone.

Oh, well, you didn't say you wanted the smart thing.

Thanks for coming tonight. And don't phone.

I want to keep the lines open.

Mrs. Schneider.

Hi. Hi.

I wasn't sure I'd be able to face you again.

I gotta walk in here wearing a hood.

You don't have to explain anything, Leo.

You talked to Faye? Mm-hmm.

What'd she say?

She was completely honest and straightforward.

She told me she was drugged.

I'll vouch for that.

Oh, I stopped by my apartment this morning.

You left your wallet in my bedroom.

You didn't have to put my name on it.

It's humiliating enough.

Have you heard from George?

No. Give him a couple of days, Jennie.

He'll figure it all out.

I'm scared, Leo.

I am so scared of losing him.

Tell me what to do.

Me?

I'm not exactly an authority on human relations.

Listen, the rest of his life is gonna have to come up sooner or later.

Things were so simple when we were kids,

no matter how much trouble we got into outside,

when we came home, we always got a cupcake.

Excuse me, ma'am. Is your name Bambi?

Bambi?

There's a gentleman on the phone asking for Bambi

and he described what you looked like.

I left this number on my service.

Oh, my God, Leo, I'm shaking all over.

You'll get used to it. I do it every time Marilyn calls.

If it's good news, I'm buying lunch.

George?

GEORGE: Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Having lunch with Leo.

What are you eating?

Well, I didn't order yet.

I was thinking about a chef salad with Roquefort dressing,

and half a grapefruit, and some iced tea with Sweet-N-Low.

Yeah, that sounds good.

You sound so far away.

How are you, George?

Dumb.

Dumb?

Dummy Dumbo.

Why?

Well, uh, when Barbara and I would have a fight,

I'd walk around the block.

Come back 20 minutes later feeling terrific.

So, at the airport I thought, "Of course. That's what I'll do."

So, that's what I did.

I can't believe it.

You mean you just walked around the block?

Yeah.

What is so dumb about that?

I was, uh, I was at the Los Angeles Airport when I thought of it.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I see what you mean.

Where are you now?

Wait a minute. I'll look.

We have a house on the West Side?

You're at home?! In the house?!

Oh, my God!

George, don't move. I'll be right there.

I mean, is it okay? Do you feel like talking now?

I can try one of those five-minute dates. It worked last time.

I'll be right home.

And, George, no matter what you're going to tell me,

I'm still going to love you. Good-bye!

Waiter!

Taxi!

Sir, the young lady said order anything you want.

The lunch is on her.

[♪♪♪]

[NO AUDIO]

Look out!

Thanks.

George!

George, where are you?

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

Oh.

I just want to finish this thought.

Take all the thoughts you want.

[PANTING]

I'm sitting there on the plane in Los Angeles,

drinking my complimentary Fresca,

and I suddenly remembered something Dr. Ornstein once told me.

Yes?

He said, "George,

whenever you find yourself getting into trouble,

just ask yourself

what is it you're most afraid would happen if?"

I'm listening.

So, I said to myself, "George,

what is it that you're most afraid would happen

if you went back to New York to Jennie?

Started your life all over again?"

And the answer was so simple.

I'd be happy.

I have stared happiness in the face and I embrace it.

Happiness is good. I have always liked happiness.

So you see, you're not the only one that's wonderful. I'm wonderful, too.

Well, that's what I tell all my friends.

So, I'm sitting there over Kansas.

I have nothing else to do so I, uh, I finished my book.

You want to hear it? After.

After what?

After you kiss me.

Now I want to hear it.

Take your shoes off. You'll be here for a little while.

You gonna read the whole book?

I read it all except for the last chapter.

I know, but it sounds better from the beginning.

Oh.

Falling Into Place by George Schneider.

"Dedication.

To Jennie, a nice girl to spend the rest of your life with."

Chapter one.

Walter Maslanski looked in the mirror

and saw what he feared most... Walter Maslanski.

Not that Walter's features were awesome by any means,

he had the sort of--

♪ Here you are ♪

♪ With so much left to say ♪

♪ And here am I ♪

♪ With only time to listen ♪

♪ And if by chance ♪

♪ The words don't come today ♪

♪ I've got love enough ♪

♪ For the two of us ♪

♪ And I won't go away ♪

♪ I'm on your side ♪

♪ Tell the lovers of the world ♪

♪ I've come to realize ♪

♪ That it's okay ♪

♪ To lose your pride ♪

♪ And wait for him ♪

♪ To come back again ♪

♪ He'll take his time ♪

♪ And I'll be there ♪

♪ Hoping that he'll see ♪

♪ That we have time to share ♪

♪ And when he comes to you ♪

♪ Let him come to you ♪

♪ Give him love ♪

♪ To love ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ You may wonder ♪

♪ Why you're worth the time ♪

♪ Why I feel ♪

♪ So much ♪

♪ When I'm around you ♪

♪ I have seen ♪

♪ The man that you can be ♪

♪ When you find him ♪

♪ Please remind him ♪

♪ He's all I need for me ♪

♪ I'm on your side ♪

♪ Tell the lovers of the world ♪

♪ I've come to realize ♪

♪ That when he comes to you ♪

♪ Let him come to you ♪

♪ Give him love ♪

♪ Give him love ♪

♪ Give him love ♪

♪ To love ♪

♪ Again ♪