Original subtitles

-[CHUCKLES] -[DOOR OPENS]

Oh. Who are you?

Coburn. James Coburn.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I seen you in all them tough-guy movies.

Ha ha. Hey, you got a contract out on the frog?

No, no, I'm just here as a guest.

Sure, you are.

And that bulge in your pocket's just a pipe.

Sorry.

I think you've seen too many movies, Pop.

[POPS CHUCKLES]

-Now can you show me to my dressing room? -Yeah. Uh, Scooter!

-Yeah, Pop? -Yeah.

Show Mr. Coburn to his dressing room.

And make it snappy.

[BULLETS RICOCHET]

Right this way, sir.

It's the Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star, James Coburn.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of torture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Well, she heard it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hi-ho, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

I have some wonderful news for you,

because tonight's guest star is Hollywood's own James Coburn.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes! But first-- First,

we have, direct from the Lamprey Lounge of the Bermuda Triangle Hilton,

here are the Sargasso Bottom Rhythm Boys.

[CHEERS]

[PLAYING MARCH]

Easy, Animal. Easy.

[PANTING]

Square drums.

Yucky drums!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

He's breaking away!

[YELLING]

[OCTOPUS GRUNTING]

[ANIMAL GROWLING]

[LAUGHING]

[OCTOPUSES WHIMPERING]

[YELLS]

[ANIMAL GROWLING, OCTOPUS YELLING]

You got it wrong again.

Yeah! We're supposed to sit up here and throw things at you.

Yeah. Huh?

Oh. Scooter. Are the octopuses all right?

Well, it's hard to be sure. They may wind up in bouillabaisse.

Huh. Bouillabaisse.

Well, those French towns are nice.

Animal's on the loose! Animal's on the loose!

-Get him, Rizzo! -Oh, good grief, it's James Coburn.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-What is it, Kermit? You having problems? -Uh, problems?

Uh, uh, no, no. No, no, no.

Actually, uh, everything's right under control. Yes.

It's gonna be a very different experience having you with us tonight.

Really? How so?

Oh, well, for a change,

we have a real Hollywood tough guy with us.

[ANIMAL YELLING]

What do you call this? The Easter Bunny?

Uh, well, this is Animal.

Animal!

[LAUGHS]

I don't know what's got into him, Kermit. I tried to tire him out this morning.

Took him for a long walk wearing his cement galoshes.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROWLING]

Animal. Animal, come here.

There's right ways and wrong ways to handle aggression.

Aggression?

You don't wanna bust a chair up like that.

-Wha...? -You wanna bust it up like this!

[ANIMAL YELLS]

My kind of guy.

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

[BAND PLAYING "CLOSE TO YOU"]

♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪ Every time you are near? ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ Why do stars fall down from the sky ♪

♪ Every time you walk by? ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ On the day that you were born The angels got together ♪

♪ And decided to create A dream come true ♪

♪ So they sprinkled moondust In your hair of gold ♪

♪ And starlight in your eyes of blue ♪

♪ That is why all the guys in town ♪

♪ Follow you all around ♪

♪ Just like me ♪

♪ They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Help me throw him out.

-No, no, no. He's a family man. -He is?

Yes, he's got a wife and squids.

[YELLS THEN THUDS]

[LAUGHS]

Anybody got a crowbar?

Will you get out of here, octopus? Scram, scram, scram.

-Kermit, I can't believe it. -What?

James Coburn and Animal have made friends.

Yeah, they're up in his dressing room swapping stories.

[ANIMAL YELLS]

JAMES: Oh, I bet. How about this?

[JAMES GRUNTS]

Well, they're swapping something.

-Kermit, we're ready for Bear on Patrol. -Yes, sir, sir.

Uh, Bear on Patrol is not until the second half of the show.

Okay, we'll wait in the squad car.

Take this thing with you, would you?

Oh. In that case, we'll wait in the squid car.

Ha-ha-ha.

[TRUMPETS PLAY FANFARE]

Okay, it is now my privilege

to present our very special guest star, Mr. James Coburn,

in a Muppet salute to the Roaring '20s,

the era of flappers and bathtubs.

Hey. You gonna need me?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you're doing the Roaring '20s,

who's gonna roar? You?

[LAUGHING]

Well, we'll work on it.

Well, just don't forget, if you need me, I'm your "mane" man.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here it is,

the Muppet salute to the Roaring '20s.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[CROWD WHOOPS]

MAN 1: Oh, yeah.

MAN 2: Oh, yeah. Oh, look at her go.

[CROWD WHOOPS]

MAN 3: Hey, she's not bad.

MAN 4: Yeah.

[CROWD CONTINUES CHATTERING]

MAN 5: Hey. Go, birdy, go!

MAN 6: Yeah! All right!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CLUCKING]

What--? What's the matter, sweetheart?

[CLUCKING]

You're scared?

What's to be scared of at the Club Mildew?

-Hey, boss. -Yeah?

I heard another mob's gonna try to muscle in.

Ah, relax, Cuddles.

Nobody muscles in on the Gonz.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Yeah? Who's there? -James.

James who?

James Coburn.

That's not funny.

JAMES: Yeah, neither is this.

Hey, uh, don't do that. It might be bad for the door.

Holy rigatoni, it's Big Jimmy!

Take him, Lefty.

Hey. Where do you think you're going?

[GASPS]

All right, Gonzo, you're finished.

Why, you two-bit hood.

-You calling me a two-bit hood? GONZO: Yeah.

When I've been living next door to you for 10 years?

Okay, okay, fine,

then you're a neighbor-hood.

-Gonzo, Gonzo. -Aah!

That's a lousy joke.

-[GAS FIZZES] -[GONZO GRUNTS]

Oh!

That root beer is terrible.

It's the first thing we're gonna change around here.

Oh, yeah? You and who else?

Me and my mob.

I don't see any mob.

Well, gosh. Heh, heh.

Gee, they were right behind me outside.

Ha, ha! Get him, boys!

Louie, Max, Lefty, Dopey, Sneezy,

-Donner, Blitzen! -Help, Jimmy! Help, Jimmy!

-Help, Jimmy! -Animal!

[ANIMAL, JAMES GROWL]

[GONZO SCREAMS]

[ALL YELLING]

No, no, no!

[YELPS]

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH YELLING]

Oh, no. I'll bet you don't have a violin in that case.

That's right, Gonzo.

[WHIMPERS]

I give up! I give up. You can have the place.

I was gonna open a chicken ranch anyway.

-I don't want the place, Gonzo. -What?

I just came to play with the band.

[PLAYING LIVELY RAGTIME MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪

♪ Come on and hear, come on and hear It's the best band in the land ♪

♪ He can play a bugle call Like you never heard before ♪

♪ That's just the bestest band what am Honey lamb ♪

♪ Come on along, come on along Let me take you by the hand ♪

♪ Up to the man, up to the man Who's the leader of the band ♪

♪ And if you care to hear "The Swanee River" played in ragtime ♪

♪ Come on and hear ♪

♪ Come on and hear ♪

♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪

[CHATTERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

NARRATOR: And now...

ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.

FOZZIE: Get in there, you. -Hey, lighten up.

Just keep going. Get in there. Stand still.

-Patrol Bear, -Yes, sir?

can't you be more polite to the public?

But, sir, this is a crook.

Well, that's different.

What's the little twerp's name?

Banana Nose Maldonado.

Banana Nose Maldonado. How'd you ever get a dumb name like that?

My parents were Mr. and Mrs. Maldonado.

Well, okay, smarty-poo. Lock him up, Patrol Bear.

Yes, sir, sir, sir.

-Get in there, you. -Hey, wait, wait. Don't put me away.

What if I spill the beans?

That's simple. Lock him up and don't give him any beans.

-Uh-- -Yes, sir. Get in there. No beans for you.

Hey, wait a minute, what if I actually tell you that I'm really a police officer?

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you wearing one of these

official police officer-type uniforms, hmm?

Uh, well, uh, this is an official police disguise.

HOGTHROB & FOZZIE: Really?

-Yeah. -Wow, this looks cute.

-Thank you. -Let me...

Is this part of it right here?

Aah! That's real!

Oh, oh, sorry.

Actually, I'm Chief Inspector Maldonado.

[HOGTHROB GASPS]

HOGTHROB & FOZZIE: Really?

-Yeah. -Oh.

Patrol Bear, set the chief inspector free.

Yes, sir, sir, sir.

-Thank you, sergeant. -Sorry.

-Let me show you the way out. HOGTHROB: Help him out.

-Thank you. -You look attractive in that.

I'll get you a-- Taxi!

Love to the wife and kids.

[GROANS]

Oh, sir, we almost...

Sir? Would you come here?

Uh, do you recognize this fellow?

HOGTHROB: Oh, yeah. -Oh!

What are we going to tell the commissioner?

Well, the truth, of course.

I caught this guy, but I'm still looking for this one and this one.

[GONG SOUNDS]

Now...

Animal, if you can control yourself,

we will enter a state of relaxation.

[CHIMES GENTLY RINGING]

We're getting deeper and deeper relaxed.

Relaxed.

Are you relaxed?

Wha...?

Relax now.

Control yourself.

The white eternal light is penetrating your temples,

going down through your body,

and coming out your toes.

Are you relaxed?

Uh...

Uh, James?

Oh.

-Oh, Kermit. -Uh, excuse me, I--

You know, I think it's just great what you're doing with Animal here.

Oh, it's nothing, just a little Oriental philosophy

and some meditation.

Meditation.

-Mm-hm, mm-hm. -Yeah.

Yeah, just don't forget that the closing number

is a rooting-tooting, gun-toting, cowboy desperado shoot-'em-up.

Yeah, Kermit, listen, Animal and I have been talking this over,

and there's an awful lot of violence in entertainment these days.

We'd like to do something a little bit more enlightened.

-Oh. -Uh, something more serene.

Like maybe a salute to Japan.

Oh. Uh...

Uh, yeah, well, we--

Well, we already have the cowboys and we rented the horses though.

[YELPS]

-Kermit. -Hm?

We want to do something serene.

Serene!

[STAMMERS]

Yes, well, that's a good idea. Yes, indeed.

A salute to Japan. Of course.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hey, will you sit down?

I can't. My seat has been "octopied."

[YELLS]

[PIANO CRASHES]

We were so funny.

Yeah.

Were we supposed to be?

Hm? Oh, boy, what are we gonna do?

James doesn't wanna do the gunfighter sketch.

-Why not? -He doesn't like the gunfighter sketch.

You wanna know what the gunfighter thinks of James Coburn?

Uh, no, no, probably not.

Nah.

-Uh, Scooter? -Yeah?

What are we gonna do?

James Coburn wants to do a quiet, contemplative Japanese closing number.

I got no time, boss.

You know whose bus just broke down in front of the theater?

The Tokyo Tai Chi, Karate, and Chowder Society. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, look!

Wow, fate sometimes just seems to step right in.

-I'll go make the intro. -Hm? Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Okay. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,

we're never too sure if any act on this show will work or not,

but this next act is guaranteed to work.

Or not. Hoo, boy.

Anyway, here is our special guest, Mr. James Coburn,

exploring the perfect serenity of Eastern gong music

with our own Zen percussionist, Animal.

I give it about a minute and a half.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Coburn.

[BAND PLAYING SERENE MUSIC]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[LAUGHS]

-Animal. -Huh?

Serenely.

Serenely.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Boring.

You guys are really dying out there.

Shh!

I'm telling you, Jimmy, you should've done the Western.

We're doing the Eastern.

What kind of a dance you call that?

Square.

Most humbly beg to differ.

This not square dance.

This square dance.

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY COUNTRY MUSIC]

Hey, buckaroos, it's a hoedown!

[COWBOYS WHOOPING]

[WHOOPS]

Well, I certainly can't beat them.

♪ Lean your partners to and fro All join in with an "oh, soh, do" ♪

[DANCERS WHOOPING]

♪ Out in the barnyard having fun Chickens are laying egg foo young ♪

♪ Dance to the middle, then come backy Mud in your eye and a cup of hot sake ♪

♪ Dog in the bread pan, kitten in the stew Girls in the middle for a little kung fu ♪

Hi-yah!

-Oof! -Hee-yah!

♪ Keep on dancing round the floor ♪

♪ It'll soon be over 'Cause there ain't no more ♪

♪ Tough old cowboys, Japanese dolls ♪

♪ Bow to your partner Walk through the walls ♪

Hi-yah!

[ANIMAL LAUGHS]

[ANIMAL YELLING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, well, we made it to the end of another one,

thanks to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Coburn!

[CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yes, well, thank you very much, Kermit. I had a terrific time.

Now I can say I've done The Muppet Show.

Yeah, well, the way things turned out, you could say you did The Gong Show.

-Gong Show! Gong Show! -Animal, will you get out of here?

-Give me that. -Oh, good.

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

[GONG CLANGING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

More! More!

[STATLER, WALDORF GRUNTING]