Original subtitles

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

James Coco? James Coco?

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Coco.

Ah, thank you, Scooter. Would you tell wardrobe I'd like this jacket pressed?

Sure. Hey, wardrobe, press that jacket!

Anything else?

No. Nothing. Nothing at all. Everything's just perfect. Really.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, James Coco.

Yeah!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

Here's your script! Whoa!

♪ It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[BLARING IN HARMONY]

Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show,

where our guest star tonight

is the wonderful and very talented Mr. James Coco.

But first, we're going to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy.

So without more ado, last one in is a sissy.

♪ I'd like to be under the sea ♪

♪ In an octopus' garden in the shade ♪

♪ He'd let us in ♪

♪ Knows where we've been ♪

♪ In his octopus' garden in the shade ♪

♪ I'd ask my friends to come and see ♪

♪ An octopus' garden with me ♪

♪ I'd like to be under the sea ♪

♪ In an octopus' garden in the shade ♪

-♪ We would be warm below the storm ♪ -♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ In our little hideaway Beneath the waves ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

-♪ Resting our head on the sea bed ♪ -♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ In an octopus' garden near a cave ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ We would sing and dance around ♪

♪ Because we know we can't be found ♪

♪ I'd like to be under the sea ♪

♪ In an octopus' garden in the shade ♪

[YELLING]

♪ We would shout and swim about ♪

♪ The coral that lies beneath the waves ♪

♪ We would be so happy, you and me ♪

♪ With no one there To tell us what to do ♪

♪ I'd like to be under the sea ♪

♪ In an octopus' garden with you ♪

♪ In an octopus' garden with you ♪

Well, that was different.

-Did you like it? -No.

Then it wasn't different.

Did you get any water on the stage, boss?

Uh, yeah, but it's okay. The next act will take care of it.

Okay, dancing sponges, you're on.

Smart thinking.

[PANTING]

-How was I, Kermie? -You were great, Piggy.

Thank you, Kermie. You know, I really like the water.

-Well, I'm glad. -Mm-hm.

Which means after we're married, we can live at your place.

Yeah.

Kermie, would you help me take this mermaid outfit off?

-You want me to undo the zipper here? -Back there, the zipper.

[ZIPS]

Oh! Oh, what a relief.

Thank you. Oh, don't look, don't look. No peeking.

Did you get the stage all dried up?

-Oh, I think so. -Good.

And now, our very special guest star, James Coco, portraying a medium

who will attempt to predict the future of a character who has no future.

Curtain!

Boy, oh, boy, am I ever excited.

I've never been to a real gypsy clairvoyant before.

They say that for 10 dollars, he'll read your mind.

I wonder what he'd see in mine.

Three dollars change.

[SINGS]

-Oh, are you Dr. Coco, the happy medium? -That's right.

-Oh. Yes. -And you are...

You are...

Fozzie Bear!

And I am seasick.

-Thank you, thank you. -Better?

-I've got to know one thing. -Yes, I can.

-Can you predict the future? -I just did.

Oh!

I want to know what my future in romance will be.

Let me see if my crystal ball will speak to me.

-Howdy. -Aah!

-Bad news. -What? What? What?

It spoke to me.

Do you see a tall, cute stranger?

Could be taller. Could be cuter. But it couldn't be stranger.

Hi, Fozzie.

-Beauregard, I want to get my future told. -I want to get my head out.

I just want to get on with this sketch.

But-- But you're a medium.

Are you kidding? Medium? I'm an extra-large.

[GHOST LAUGHING]

Howdy, y'all. Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?

-No. -Uh, no, no, no. No, no.

Oh, shucks. I'm Chester Pugh.

-I'm due to show up at their seance. -Are you late?

-Of course. I'm the late Chester Pugh. -Never.

Better late than never.

-But this isn't even a real seance. -It isn't?

Well, hold-- Wait, wait.

Jimmy, you mean he's not part of the sketch?

No. This is a show.

A show?

Well, say, I'd like to say hello to Maw and Paw

and all the night shift down at Schneider's.

And this one's for everybody on the other side.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are callin' ♪

-Huh? -No good.

-Why? -Just no rhythm, no pace.

-♪ And down the mountainside ♪ -Not even good looking.

-Oh. Jimmy? -Hm?

Jimmy, is this supposed to go this way?

Of course not. I didn't know we'd get a real ghost.

-Oh, look! -Help, help!

The table is levitating.

Beauregard, watch out. You're gonna get killed.

No, I'm gonna get lunch.

♪ And I must bide ♪

Well, what do we do now?

♪ But I'll be here ♪

♪ In sunshine, or in shadow ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

What was that?

It's called "The Medium Sketch."

"The Medium Sketch?"

Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.

That was disgusting.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, that sketch was the last straw.

That does it. I am leaving.

Well?

Don't you have anything to say to me before I go?

Uh... Oh, yeah.

On your way out, would you empty the garbage?

Beatnik.

I have spent my last moment in this theater.

Oh, that's too bad, Sam.

You're gonna miss my tribute to Beethoven.

I don't care. As long as...

-Beethoven? -Mm-hm.

Are you serious?

Would I joke about Beethoven? He's my idol. See?

Oh, Beethoven, at last.

Oh, well, for Beethoven, I'll stay. He's my favorite playwright.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

♪ All he had was eight little notes ♪

♪ Just eight little notes ♪

♪ But, oh ♪

♪ What Mr. B did With do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪

♪ Though all he used Were eight little notes ♪

♪ Just eight, count them Eight like these ♪

♪ He'd mix and match and hatch a batch ♪

♪ Of catchy melodies ♪

♪ Now, I could take two notes And come up with nothing of note ♪

♪ Mr. B took a G ♪

♪ And a flattened E ♪

♪ And wrote ♪

Wasn't that fantastic?

♪ Though all he had Was eight little notes ♪

♪ Just eight little notes like these ♪

♪ Which goes to show ♪

♪ That one man's scale Is another man's symphonies ♪

Oh, yeah.

[HUMMING]

♪ Yet, all he had was eight little notes ♪

♪ Just eight little notes, just eight ♪

♪ But he wrote nine symphonies ♪

♪ And also some great ♪

♪ Quartets, quintets Fugues and cantatas ♪

♪ Plus, some opera and a few cantatas ♪

♪ Using only eight little notes in a row ♪

♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪

♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪

-♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪ -♪ Do, ti, la, so, fa, mi, re, do ♪

Okay, Robin, time to go to sleep.

But I can't, Uncle Kermit, I'm afraid of snakes.

Snakes? Uh, snakes? Well, uh...

[STAMMERING] Well, there aren't any snakes around here.

Unless they're under the bed.

[SHRIEKS]

Uh, no, no, no snakes under the bed.

This really isn't helping, Uncle Kermit.

Oh, well, listen, Robin.

If you just close your eyes and think about it,

why, snakes can be very beautiful.

[RATTLING]

[PUNGI PLAYING CHARMING MUSIC]

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, Uncle Kermit, snakes are really very nice.

Thank you.

[SNAKES HISSING]

Uh, you're welcome.

Okay. Set up the kitchen. The Swedish Chef is on next.

Oh, Kermit, you have a terrific show here.

Oh. Oh, thank you, James. It's not exactly Broadway...

Oh, you mean with all the girls and the glitter and the razzle-dazzle?

-Yeah, I guess so. -You don't need it.

This show moves. It's got pace, pace, pace.

Know what I mean?

-Pace? -You got it.

You only need razzle-dazzle if you've got a dull, slow moving act.

But I have been watching this show. It is dynamic.

It is full of sex appeal. It is fast paced.

You do not need razzle-dazzle. You have...

[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

What is that?

Uh, the next act.

You need razzle-dazzle.

Look, get some musicians, chorus girls, dancers.

-Anything that moves. Quick. -Yes, I'm on my way.

Hurry, Kermit. What can I do about the lights?

Ah. Switch. There we go. Uh, wrong one. Fantastic.

[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Banana-na-na-na-na-na.

Peel de banana-na-na-na-na.

The banana split.

[DANCERS SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Where is the banana-na-na?

Banana split?

[DANCERS SHOUTING]

Aha.

Banana-na-na-na-na...

Peel. Banana-na-na-na peel.

Ho, ho. Dancer?

[DANCERS SHOUTING]

Whoa!

And now, banana split.

Well, the chef's done it again.

-Done what? -Nothing.

Is he gonna be all right?

I doubt it. He never has been.

-Well, what's next? -Uh, let's see. A singer.

Oh, good. Now we can relax.

Singing is always good. Music is terrific.

♪ Catch a falling star ♪

♪ And put it in your pocket ♪

Kermit, we have a lot of work to do.

♪ Catch a falling star ♪

♪ And put it in your pocket ♪

♪ Save it for a rainy day ♪

♪ For love may come And tap you on the shoul... ♪

Hey, your pants are on fire.

♪ One star that ♪

What are you doing? What are you doing?

No-- Ooh! Ow! Ow!

[SHOUTING]

Well, you can't win them all.

I'd settle for a tie.

Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!

What did you guys do to me? I almost got killed out there.

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!

Almost?

-What's next? -Let's see. Veterinarian's Hospital.

Veterinarian's Hospital?

Yeah, it's this part where we tell bad jokes and, uh...

And it's death.

Uh-huh. I have just the thing that will liven it up.

-It never fails. -Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh. Girls.

-Girls? Oh, yeah. Girls. -Right. Say it. Girls. Girls!

NARRATOR: Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Say cheese.

[GROANS]

Close enough.

-Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf. -Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, now, yes, nurse. Tell me, what's wrong with this patient?

Oh, Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis.

I don't care how cute it is. It has to come out.

Music, lights, dancers. Quick!

[BROADWAY SHOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate with those girls dancing by?

Easy. I never take my eyes off them.

Bring on the girls, quick!

Here they come again.

That's the girls?

Dr. Bob, why do they keep dancing that way?

That's the way they get their kicks.

Wow, I'd love to be on Broadway.

Yeah, I can see your name in lights. Twenty-five watts. Ha-ha-ha.

Twenty-five watts? That's not very bright.

Look who's talking.

This is good. This is excellent.

I've changed my mind. I am not taking out the appendix.

-What are you taking out? -The blond on the end.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Dr. Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl.

What about the patient?

Why should I go out with someone who's sick?

-Any luck? -Nope. I checked all the doors.

They got us locked in.

[PIGGY SIGHS]

-Okay. -Kermit, what's with those showgirls?

We just kind of threw them in.

-Yeah? Well, throw them out. -Um, yeah.

Kermit, I'm ready for my closing number.

Oh? Oh, good.

Listen, I realize things have been a little ragged so far,

but wait until you see the closing number we have planned.

It's a wonderful thing. We have staircases and waterfalls.

We have colored lights and wind machines and 38 chorus girls.

Does your shaking your head mean what I think it does?

That's right. I'd really like-- I'd like a change of pace.

I'd like to do something simple. Something small.

-Closing numbers are big extravaganzas. -No, no, no. They're small.

-Small, Kermit. Small. -Small?

-Yeah, but usually... -No, Kermit...

-Really small. -Really small?

-Yeah, small. Trust me. -Small?

Just introduce me. Kermit, you're gonna love it.

I promise you, you're gonna love it. Just introduce me.

Here once again, ladies and gentlemen, is our guest star, James Coco,

in a very small gigantic finale.

Hit it, guys.

Hi, guys. You look gorgeous. Terrific.

♪ Short people got no reason ♪

♪ Short people got no reason ♪

♪ Short people got no reason to live ♪

♪ They got little hands and little eyes ♪

♪ And they go around Telling great big lies ♪

♪ They got little noses And tiny little teeth ♪

♪ They wear platform shoes On their tiny little feet ♪

♪ Well, I don't want no short people ♪

♪ I don't want no short people ♪

♪ I don't want no short people ♪ 'Round here ♪

♪ Short people are just the same As you and I ♪

♪ A fool such as I ♪

♪ All men are brothers Until the day they die ♪

♪ It's a wonderful world ♪

♪ Short people got nobody ♪

♪ Short people got nobody ♪

♪ Short people got nobody to love ♪

♪ They got little baby legs And they stand so low ♪

♪ You got to pick him up Just to say hello ♪

♪ They got little cars That go beep, beep, beep ♪

♪ They got little voices Going peep, peep, peep ♪

♪ Grubby little fingers And dirty little minds ♪

♪ They're gonna get you every time ♪

♪ No, I don't want no short people ♪

♪ I don't want no short people ♪

♪ I don't want no short people 'Round here ♪

I hope I haven't offended you. I was short once myself.

[CHUCKLING]

Hi, shorty.

Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one,

because the next thing I'm going to do is ask our guest star to say good night.

Mr. James Coco! Yeah!

Ah, Kermit, thank you. I really enjoyed myself tonight.

I'm glad, I just loved your number with the short people.

You don't think they resented it?

Oh, no. They loved it. Right, short people?

[CHEERING]

-You were wonderful, all of you. MUPPET: Thank you, Jimmy.

Whoa! Hey, hey! Put me down. Put me down!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Well, shall we leave?

Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.