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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
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Oh, Raquel Welch,
30 seconds to curtain, Miss Welch.
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"The quality of mercy is not strained.
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It droppeth as a gentle rain
upon the place beneath... "
5
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Oh, changing your image, huh?
6
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:17,350
-Yes, I was toying with the idea.
-You do what you want, Miss Welch.
7
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On this show, you don't have to dress up
in any scanty, revealing costumes.
8
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:23,815
Oh, thank you, Scooter.
9
00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:27,527
-Not unless you really want to.
-Well...
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00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:30,780
ALL:
Oh, please want to!
11
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:39,205
It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Raquel Welch!
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Whoo! Yeah!
13
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
15
00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,808
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
16
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:03,188
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
17
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,607
♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
18
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:07,692
♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
19
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,611
♪ It's time to get things started ♪
20
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♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
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♪ This is what we call ♪
24
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
25
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Thank you! Thank you!
26
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:42,018
And welcome again to The Muppet Show,
where, tonight, we are delighted
27
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to have the one and only
Miss Raquel Welch.
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[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]
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Pity we can't book an important
guest star on this show.
30
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What are you saying, Piggy?
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We have an internationally acclaimed
actress, singer, dancer,
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and one of the sexiest ladies alive.
33
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You've got that every night, frog.
34
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,875
Uh, well... Ahem.
35
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,045
Ignoring that, ladies and
particularly gentlemen,
36
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here she is, the curvaceous,
the tantalizing, the desirable...
37
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-Hold it, chief.
-What now?
38
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-She's changing her image.
-Changing her image?
39
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Yeah, she was just rehearsing Shakespeare.
40
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But-- Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen,
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one of cinema's leading
dramatic actresses,
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the very erudite Miss Raquel Welch.
43
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[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
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♪ You got the shakin', I got the shimmy ♪
45
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,724
♪ You got the takin', I got the gimme ♪
46
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♪ And I don't want to go
But, baby, you send me ♪
47
00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:10,190
♪ You want it all and I wanna give it ♪
48
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,650
♪ You are the dream and I wanna live it ♪
49
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,946
♪ And I don't want to go
But, baby, you send me ♪
50
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,577
♪ Baby, it's me
I'm the same as you ♪
51
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,121
♪ A dreamer who dreams
That's a dream come true ♪
52
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♪ And all my life, I just wanted to meet ♪
53
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♪ Someone just like you ♪
54
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♪ Someone just like you ♪
55
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:35,048
♪ To tell my troubles to ♪
56
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:37,759
♪ Someone just like you ♪
57
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,789
♪You've got the spark
I've got the desire ♪
58
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:10,333
♪ The longer we burn
The higher the fire ♪
59
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♪ And, baby, take my heart
I want you to have it ♪
60
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♪ Our love is a storm
That goes on forever ♪
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♪ The more that it rains
The better the weather ♪
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♪ And, baby, take my heart
I want you to have it ♪
63
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,892
♪ Baby, it's me, I'm the same as you ♪
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♪ A dreamer who dreams
That's a dream come true ♪
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♪ And all my life
I've just wanted to meet ♪
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♪ Someone just like you ♪
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♪ Someone just like you ♪
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♪ Who wants to love me too ♪
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♪ Someone just like you ♪
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♪ Oh, yeah, hey, hey ♪
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[KERMIT SIGHS]
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-Pluperfect.
-Uh, yeah.
73
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:12,103
Uh, I thought she was going to change
her image.
74
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Well, she might be changing her image,
75
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but you wouldn't want her
to change the rest of that.
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PIGGY:
Hmph.
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Hey, where's Fozzie?
He's supposed to be on-stage.
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He must be late getting back from group.
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Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?
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-He wanted to learn to be more dominating.
FOZZIE: Open up, doors.
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These doors will swing open
through the force of my will alone!
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Okay, I'll open the doors...
83
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[RATTLING]
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There, I opened the doors,
and I wanted to. Thank you.
85
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,772
It's a pity you couldn't
open the show too.
86
00:05:55,855 --> 00:06:00,485
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Frog,
I am an established artiste.
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00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:03,154
I will not be treated like a newcomer.
88
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-No, you'll be treated like a latecomer.
-Very good.
89
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,287
Uh, Fozzie, are you trying to be pushy
or something?
90
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,207
Oh, no. I mean, uh, yes.
91
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:17,877
-I am trying to be more decisive.
-Hmm.
92
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:18,878
Uh, maybe.
93
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-Uh, Fozzie, what are you doing?
-I'm not too sure.
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00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:28,013
Uh, oh, you see, my group leader
told me to be more aggressive.
95
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Yes, uh, here.
96
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[GROWLS]
97
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Excuse me, I'm sorry.
98
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[GROWLS]
99
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Thank you. Thank you.
100
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Fozzie, why don't you just go sit quietly
in your dressing room?
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Oh, no. Oh, no, not this time!
102
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Frog, this bear will never be
pushed around or stepped on ever again.
103
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:54,914
Hey, did somebody order raw eggs
and chili peppers?
104
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Breakfast! Breakfast! Aah!
105
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Breakfast! Breakfast!
106
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I think I'll go sit quietly
in my dressing room.
107
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,224
Uh, you could describe our next performer
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as a complete contrast
to Miss Raquel Welch.
109
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,147
Then again, you could also describe him
as a complete contrast
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to every man, woman and child on Earth.
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Uh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
Gonzo the Great.
112
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♪ Lonely? Hey, I get lonely ♪
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♪ Sad? Whoo, I know sad ♪
114
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♪ But you do what you can
With the things that you see ♪
115
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♪ To make life a jamboree ♪
116
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♪ And I see cows playing cellos ♪
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♪ With bananas
Where their horns should be ♪
118
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:57,894
♪ And I see flags being waved
By ducks in buckets ♪
119
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:02,148
♪ And pigs drinking lemon tea ♪
120
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-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
121
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,278
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
122
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♪ Find where you hide and look inside
And you've got a jamboree ♪
123
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♪ Ee, ee, ee
Ee, ee, ee, ee ♪
124
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♪ If all you know are bad times
If all you see are walls ♪
125
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:22,127
♪ If you get your news
From the scuffs on your shoes ♪
126
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,712
♪ Then that won't help at all ♪
127
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,798
♪ 'Cause you've gotta see penguins
Throwing popcorn ♪
128
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,718
♪ Chickens on a well-dressed moose ♪
129
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-[CLUCKING]
-Hi, girls.
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♪ And you gotta see rats floating by ♪
131
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♪ On pink balloons ♪
132
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♪ And fuzzy things on the loose ♪
133
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-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
134
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-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
135
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♪ Find where you hide and look inside
And you've got a jamboree ♪
136
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:56,411
♪ Well, you go run from thunder
And you stay away from rain ♪
137
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♪ But I'll be looking at the colors
In the puddles ♪
138
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♪ To see my jamboree ♪
139
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,335
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Chocolate cakes ♪
140
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,129
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Bells on snakes ♪
141
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,173
♪ Some people give up
Some people get out ♪
142
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,674
♪ But me? Whoo, whoo, whoo! ♪
143
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♪ I'm a jamboree! ♪
144
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,554
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
145
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,890
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
146
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,142
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
147
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,519
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
148
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,855
-♪ Jamboree ♪
-♪ Jamboree ♪
149
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,691
♪ Jamboree ♪
150
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,360
♪ Me, I'm a jamboree ♪
151
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♪ Yeah! ♪
152
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,743
I've seen wars started
over less than that.
153
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:40,413
Wrong, there's nothing less than that.
154
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:46,127
-Okay, nice one.
-Yeah, good number, baby.
155
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:50,715
Yeah, very cute, very cute.
Uh, sick, but cute.
156
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,967
-Sick but cute?
-Mm-hm.
157
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:57,055
Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?
158
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,808
-No.
-Uh, yeah.
159
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:04,270
-Floyd!
-Hey, Kermit, Kermit, it's all right.
160
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,856
It's no problem. I can take it.
161
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,359
Well, I don't know if I can take it.
162
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,612
Uh, listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do
your monologue now?
163
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,072
[FOZZIE CLEARS THROAT]
164
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:19,661
No! No! I am not-- Excuse me, I'm sorry.
165
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:24,624
I'm through with all that. I do not need
to buy friends with laughter anymore.
166
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:30,046
No, no. I am about to meet my true self.
167
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,924
-Uh, of course you are.
-Yes.
168
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:36,845
-I hope you'll be very happy together.
-Thank you.
169
00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:39,931
I'll just go cancel your act for tonight.
170
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,058
Well, I'm sorry about that.
171
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,352
Uh, don't worry,
we've all got our problems here.
172
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,396
Yep, that's showbiz.
173
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See, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
174
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:53,528
Yeah, that was our problem too.
175
00:10:55,363 --> 00:11:00,243
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
due to the indisposition of Fozzie Bear,
176
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:04,080
there will be no comic monologue
on this show.
177
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,790
[CHEERING]
178
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:14,549
Scooter, they-- They want me.
They-- They like me. They need me.
179
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,593
-Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
-Fozzie!
180
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,929
-And so, on with The Muppet...
-Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
181
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,433
-Fozzie, what are you doing here?
-My monologue.
182
00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:26,728
But you were supposed to meet
your true self.
183
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,064
-I just met him.
-What's he like?
184
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:33,818
He's shallow, insecure, and needs
to buy friends with laughter.
185
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:37,739
-Ah! It's too late! Get off! Get off!
-What? What?
186
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,949
[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
187
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:45,622
Kermit, let go, they want me!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
188
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,709
Uh, did you hear the one about
the nut who joined the Army?
189
00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:52,587
Sure. They made him a kernel.
190
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:55,715
What, that old chestnut?
191
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:59,594
Wait, hey! Hey!
You just cut that out, you pigs!
192
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:03,640
Speaking of pigs, what do you get
when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?
193
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,143
Oh, that's easy. You get a polar boar.
194
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,064
What is going on--? Whoa!
195
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,607
Move! Look out!
196
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:14,401
[CRASHING]
197
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,529
Hey, do you do all the cooking
in the monastery?
198
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,031
FOZZIE:
Hey! Hey, I was gonna do that one!
199
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:24,619
-No, I only cook the potatoes.
-You only cook the potatoes?
200
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:27,789
Wait! I'm doing this one!
201
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:30,875
You only cook the potatoes?
What do they call you?
202
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:36,464
-The friar.
-No, the chip monk.
203
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,011
From time to time, I like to chat
204
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,388
with some of the different members
of The Muppet Show
205
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:44,973
so you'll get to know them better.
206
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,225
Tonight, I'll talk with
one of your favorite acts,
207
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,853
-Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones.
-Ow! Ow!
208
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,022
Uh, excuse me, Marvin.
209
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,899
I know you're rehearsing.
Could I talk to you for a few minutes?
210
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:58,570
But of course, Mr. Kermit. Anything.
211
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:02,574
-Take a four.
-Five.
212
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:06,286
-Ow!
-Four!
213
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,330
Uh, Marvin, the question
that most people ask...
214
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:13,877
Oh, the answer is mutual love and respect.
215
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,339
The Muppaphones, they adore me.
216
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:18,590
[MURMURING]
217
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,925
Shut up!
218
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:25,930
Uh, Marvin, are these--
Are these the original Muppaphones?
219
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:31,394
Oh, no. I have to replace them
every two or three months.
220
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,937
They go flat.
221
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,774
-You mean they get off-key?
-No, flat.
222
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:40,945
-Ow!
-Like little pancakes.
223
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,280
Thank you!
224
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:45,450
Uh, yeah, well, what happens to them then?
225
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:49,037
I don't think you want to know.
226
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,956
-Uh, yes...
-Yes!
227
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,460
Uh, well, Marvin, I was wondering,
can I talk to the Muppaphones?
228
00:13:55,543 --> 00:14:01,216
But of course. The little froggy
want to talk to you. Be nice.
229
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:05,679
Uh, Muppaphones, I'll ask you
the question most people ask is,
230
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,430
does it hurt?
231
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:11,017
-Uh, is Marvin still here?
-Right here.
232
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:16,439
-Uh, no.
-Of course it does not hurt.
233
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,275
I am not a cruel man.
234
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,527
[MURMURING]
235
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,071
Shut up!
236
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,240
-Uh, Marvin...
-Please continue.
237
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:28,034
You were telling me how compassionate
and sensitive you are.
238
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,870
Yes, but I should get back to rehearsal.
239
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,623
Ah, come on, Marvin,
how about some time off?
240
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,876
How about some croquet?
241
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,093
[GROANS]
242
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,846
I wish I had the nerve
to meet Raquel Welch.
243
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:53,309
Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's terrific.
She kissed me right here.
244
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:57,897
Scooter, I know she kissed you.
You told me four times she kissed you.
245
00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:00,150
Why don't you go have your cheek bronzed?
246
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,360
Hmm. Touchy, touchy.
247
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:06,197
Well, she didn't kiss-- Oh.
248
00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:09,034
Hey, wait a minute. I can handle this.
I can cope with it.
249
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:13,997
I am an important bear.
I am capable, I am poised...
250
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,001
-Hiya, Fozzie.
-I am-- I am...
251
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,754
Hi. I've been looking all over for you.
252
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,173
-M... M...
-Uh-huh.
253
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,924
Come here a second.
254
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:28,595
Did you know that one of the main reasons
255
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:32,557
that I wanted to do The Muppet Show
was just so I could meet you?
256
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,684
[STUTTERING]
257
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:39,689
-Is something wrong?
-No, uh...
258
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,067
-Aw.
-I can't talk about it.
259
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:45,070
Just put your head on my shoulder here.
260
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:49,115
♪ Confide in me ♪
261
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:51,951
♪ Rely on me ♪
262
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:56,706
♪ And I will try to satisfy ♪
263
00:15:56,790 --> 00:16:00,835
♪ Your every need ♪
264
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:04,422
♪ Through the day ♪
265
00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:05,840
♪ 'Till we say ♪
266
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,842
Don't do that, please.
267
00:16:07,926 --> 00:16:11,262
♪ Goodbye ♪
268
00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:16,017
♪ Ooh ♪
269
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:19,312
♪ Take it slow ♪
270
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,315
♪ Easy go ♪
271
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:26,486
♪ Any friend would recommend ♪
272
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:30,740
♪ The starlight show ♪
273
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:34,786
♪ On a night like this ♪
274
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:40,333
♪ I insist you try ♪
275
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:44,379
Oh. Oh, Raquel, you are terrific.
276
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:48,258
On the contrary, Fozzie,
you're the one that's terrific.
277
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,093
-Me?
-Uh-huh.
278
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,805
You know, just being here
kind of close to you,
279
00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,307
I've noticed that you're really
very charming.
280
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,351
-Charming?
-Mm-hm.
281
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:01,771
-And even witty.
-And even witty.
282
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:05,567
In fact, I think you're very sexy.
283
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,235
Say again.
284
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,571
I think you're sex-sational.
285
00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:13,825
Ahh!
286
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:19,330
♪ Mm, take your time ♪
287
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,375
♪ And you will find ♪
288
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:24,419
♪ A smiling face ♪
289
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,713
-♪ A warm embrace ♪
-Oh.
290
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:30,967
♪ A sympathetic mind ♪
291
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:34,596
♪ To do it right ♪
292
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:37,891
♪ Confide in me ♪
293
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:40,435
♪ Tonight ♪
294
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:44,606
-♪ Woh, oh, oh, oh ♪
-♪ Woh, ho, ho, ho ♪
295
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:48,693
♪ Confide in me ♪
296
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:55,658
♪ Tonight ♪
297
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,370
Oh, Raquel.
298
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:02,123
Oh, Raquel! Oh, I feel so confident now.
299
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:06,336
You've made a complete bear out of me.
Oh, yes! Yes!
300
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,631
-Um, Fozzie...
-Yes, sweetheart.
301
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,717
-Do you--? Do you think there's, uh...
-Yes, baby, say it.
302
00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:16,054
-...even the slightest possibility that...
-Yes!
303
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:19,641
...you might want to go
to my dressing room
304
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:22,936
and have a cup of tea?
305
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:28,191
-You-- You and me?
-Uh-huh.
306
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,611
Could I bring a friend?
307
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,783
[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]
308
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,743
[CHICKEN GROANING]
309
00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:45,083
♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪
310
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,379
[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]
311
00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:52,799
...de chickie in de baskie.
312
00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,264
...de baskie.
313
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:00,557
[CLUCKING]
314
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,852
Hey, chickie! Come back here, chickie!
315
00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:18,867
[HUMMING]
316
00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,453
[CHICKEN GROANING]
317
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,873
That's two points.
318
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:29,878
Kermit! Kermit! Kermit!
Oh, listen, you've gotta read this!
319
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:32,380
What? Are you still
on the assertive kick, Fozzie?
320
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:35,717
Kind of, but listen, Kermit,
you are gonna love this.
321
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:40,096
I have just written the greatest joke
in the world.
322
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,891
It's the all-time comedy classic.
323
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,727
Kermit, in the history of show business,
324
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:51,649
there has never been,
or will there ever be, a joke this funny.
325
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,443
Here, read it, go ahead, read it.
326
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,945
Ahh. Yeah.
327
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,829
-Ah?
-It's not funny.
328
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:06,915
I got a better one.
329
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,629
Uh, excuse moi, Raquel.
330
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:17,634
I just wanted to come by
and welcome you to my show.
331
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:18,885
Thank you, Miss Piggy,
332
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:23,640
but I understood that you weren't
too happy about me being on the show.
333
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,768
Oh, where did you ever get that idea?
334
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:29,229
Believe me, I understand.
After all, it is your show,
335
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:30,480
and I'm just a guest here.
336
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:33,149
Oh. Raquel, Raquel, Raquel.
337
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:37,028
The burdens of being
an international sex goddess.
338
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:41,241
-Yes, well, I suppose.
-It must be nearly as tough for you.
339
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,784
RAQUEL:
Mm-hm.
340
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:46,413
You know, sometimes, I really feel like
341
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:49,374
renouncing the whole thing,
the whole image.
342
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:53,336
Yes, me too.
It gets to be kind of a bore, doesn't it?
343
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:57,507
There's still a lot of joy left in being
a woman. Don't you agree?
344
00:20:57,590 --> 00:21:00,051
I plan to gather up all I can
while it lasts.
345
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:01,344
SCOOTER:
Oh, Raquel?
346
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,805
Stand by for your solo number.
347
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,892
Solo?
348
00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:10,353
Yes. You don't mind, do you?
349
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:13,023
Of course not. I... I...
350
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:17,652
Oh, is that the costume
for the solo number? How sweet.
351
00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:20,238
Thank you. They made it especially for me.
352
00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:22,907
Oh, especially pour vous.
353
00:21:22,991 --> 00:21:25,660
Hmm, how tres tres happy I am pour vous.
354
00:21:25,744 --> 00:21:28,955
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
355
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:30,790
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
356
00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:36,838
Uh, I think I shall go now to be up close
where I can really see you.
357
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:41,676
-Why, thank you. In the front row?
-Closer than that.
358
00:21:42,761 --> 00:21:43,887
[DOOR CLOSES]
359
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:46,306
Now, once again, ladies and gentlemen,
360
00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:50,894
it's time for our wonderful
and indescribable, fantastic guest star...
361
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:53,146
-Is she ready yet?
MUPPET: Who?
362
00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,065
-Raquel.
MUPPET: Oh, yeah, yeah.
363
00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:58,360
Ladies and gentlemen, Raquel Welch!
364
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:02,864
[BAND PLAYING BLUES RIFF]
365
00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:17,629
♪ I can wash out 44 pairs of socks
And have 'em hangin' out on the line ♪
366
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,382
♪ I can starch and iron
Two dozen shirts ♪
367
00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:23,176
♪ 'Fore you can count from one to nine ♪
368
00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:25,970
♪ I can scoop up a great big dipper ♪
369
00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:29,015
♪ Full of lard from the drippin's can ♪
370
00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:31,601
♪ Throw it in the skillet
Go out and do my shopping ♪
371
00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:33,728
♪ And be back before it melts in the pan ♪
372
00:22:33,812 --> 00:22:36,898
♪ 'Cause I'm a woman! ♪
373
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,820
♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪
374
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:44,614
♪ Like to say it again ♪
375
00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:51,413
♪ I can rub and scrub this house
'Till it's shinin' just like a dime ♪
376
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:54,249
♪ Feed the baby, grease the car
And powder my face ♪
377
00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:57,335
♪ All at the same time ♪
378
00:22:57,419 --> 00:23:02,674
♪ I can get all dressed up go out
And swing till 4:00 a.m. and then ♪
379
00:23:02,757 --> 00:23:05,510
♪ Lay down at 5, jump up at 6 ♪
380
00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:07,470
♪ And start all over again ♪
381
00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:10,682
♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪
382
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:15,520
♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪
383
00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:19,524
-♪ Like to say it again
-Ha, ha! Yes, we would! ♪
384
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:25,280
♪ If you come to me sickly you know
That I'm gonna make you well ♪
385
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:30,827
♪ If you come to me hexed up
You know I'm gonna break the spell ♪
386
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:36,541
♪ If you come to me hungry you know
I'm gonna fill you all full of grits ♪
387
00:23:36,624 --> 00:23:38,960
♪ If it's lovin' you're lackin'
I'll kiss you ♪
388
00:23:39,044 --> 00:23:41,087
♪ And give you the shiverin' fits ♪
389
00:23:41,171 --> 00:23:44,507
♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪
390
00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:49,054
-♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪
-Whoo!
391
00:23:49,137 --> 00:23:51,806
-♪ Like to say it again ♪
-♪ Like to say it again ♪
392
00:23:53,308 --> 00:23:58,688
♪ I can stretch a greenback dollar bill
From here to kingdom come ♪
393
00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:02,859
♪ I can play the numbers, pay the bills
And still end up with some ♪
394
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,319
-Uh-huh.
-Mm-hm.
395
00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:08,490
♪ I got a 20 dollar gold piece
Says there ain't nothing I can't do ♪
396
00:24:08,573 --> 00:24:12,660
♪ I can make a dress out of a food sack ♪
397
00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:14,537
You can what?
398
00:24:14,621 --> 00:24:18,249
I said, I can make a dress
out of a food sack.
399
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,169
What do you do with a food sack dress?
400
00:24:21,252 --> 00:24:23,213
Honey, I can make anything look good.
401
00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:25,298
Oh, yes!
402
00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:28,968
♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪
403
00:24:29,052 --> 00:24:32,764
♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪
404
00:24:32,847 --> 00:24:35,141
-♪ Ah-ha! Like to say it again ♪
-♪ Like to say it again ♪
405
00:24:35,225 --> 00:24:36,518
Hoo, hoo!
406
00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:41,439
♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪
407
00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:43,233
♪ W-O... ♪
408
00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:44,442
[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]
409
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:47,070
♪ P-I- ♪
410
00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:50,198
♪ G ♪
411
00:24:50,281 --> 00:24:52,784
♪ And that's all ♪
412
00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:07,173
We've done everything
we had planned to do,
413
00:25:07,257 --> 00:25:09,592
so I seriously suspect
that this is the end.
414
00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:12,512
But before we go,
let us have a warm thank-you
415
00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:17,058
to our very special guest star,
Miss Raquel Welch! Yeah!
416
00:25:17,142 --> 00:25:21,271
All right! Oh, wow! Oh, yeah!
417
00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:23,982
Thank you very much, Kermit.
I had a wonderful time.
418
00:25:24,065 --> 00:25:25,692
But I don't think I changed my image.
419
00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:29,946
Hey, Raquel, sweetie, baby,
wanna go tell a joke together?
420
00:25:30,030 --> 00:25:34,617
You may not have changed your image,
but I think you may have changed ours.
421
00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:36,745
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!
422
00:25:36,828 --> 00:25:38,788
Bye-bye!
423
00:25:38,872 --> 00:25:40,957
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
424
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:20,038
Have you ever thought
there must be life after death?
425
00:26:20,121 --> 00:26:22,999
Every time I leave this theater.
32950
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