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[KNOCKING]
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Cleo Laine, 15 seconds to curtain,
Miss Laine.
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I'm ready.
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Oh, I hope the Muppets like me.
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Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!
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Hey, hate me a little, will you?
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Love, love!
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It's The Muppet Show, with our
special guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
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♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
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♪ It's time to meet The Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
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♪ It's time to get things started ♪
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
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♪ This is what we call ♪
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
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Come back here.
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Thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.
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With us tonight is one of
the truly great stars...
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Thank you, thank you, you are too kind.
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I am not kind, and you are not the star.
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-Could I talk to you for a second?
-What?
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-See, my mother is in the audience.
-Huh?
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Hi, Ma!
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-Watch me tonight! I'm sorry.
-Fozzie!
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In addition to our very, uh, ahem,
funny bear...
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tonight's guest star
is one of the truly great singers.
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-Miss Cleo Laine.
-Cleo Laine!
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-But first, let's limbo!
-Let's limbo!
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[STEEL DRUM MUSIC PLAYING]
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♪ Limbo, everybody limbo ♪
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♪ Limbo all the day ♪
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[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]
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♪ Limbo, everybody limbo ♪
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♪ Limbo all the day ♪
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[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]
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♪ Limbo, everybody limbo ♪
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♪ Limbo all the day ♪
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[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]
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♪ Limbo, everybody limbo ♪
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♪ Limbo all the day ♪
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[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]
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Terrific! I wonder how the frog did it.
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[HUMMING LIMBO MUSIC]
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Did what? Heh-heh-heh.
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Never mind.
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[PLAYING LIMBO MUSIC]
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[OINKS]
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Ooh-chicka-bow-wow.
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Can that frog limbo!
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Kermit, Kermit! Kermit?
Where is that frog? Kermit?
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-I'm down here.
-Oh, Kermit.
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Kermit, do you realize that my mother
is in the audience tonight
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and I wasn't even in the opening number?
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-I don't care.
-You don't care? Well, why not?
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Because I'm all scrunched up.
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You are scrunched up.
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Hey, hey, but Kermit,
you see, my mother...
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-Fozzie, would you unscrunch me?
-Yes, sir, yes, sir.
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-Okay?
-Thank you.
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Great. See, my mother
came here tonight, Kermit...
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Check, and so did Cleo Laine.
I gotta go introduce her.
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But, Kermit, when is the bear on?
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That's what I want to know.
When is the bear on?
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Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure
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to introduce a lady
with a truly remarkable voice...
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-Kermit, Kermit! Quick, look up there!
-Huh?
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[SHOUTS, THEN CRASHING]
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Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
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Fozzie!
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[SCATTING]
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♪ Don't mean a thing
If you ain't got that swing ♪
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♪ Don't mean a thing
All you've got to do is sing ♪
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♪ Doesn't matter if it's sweet or hot ♪
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♪ And give that rhythm
Everything you've got ♪
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♪ Don't mean a thing
If you ain't got that swing ♪
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You know, it gives me great pleasure
to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth
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and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra.
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Thank you, Cleo. You know,
I melt down those gold records
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and put 'em in my teeth.
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It's called putting your money
where your mouth is!
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Check. And here we have
the man on bass guitar,
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the hippest of the hip, Floyd Pepper!
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Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo.
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Right on. And then we have
the weirdest man of the weird,
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the man on saxophone, Zoot!
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Yeah, it is written,
a zebra and a geranium
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should never use the same toothbrush.
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Cogently put, Zoot.
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And here on guitar,
the lovely lady herself, Janice.
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Oh, wow, like, I'm really honored
to be here, really.
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-For sure. And way up there on the drums,
-Aw.
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the ma-- You know,
I'd rather not introduce him.
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Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo.
We nail his shoes to the bandstand.
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Okay. Animal!
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[SCATTING]
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♪ It don't mean a thing
If you ain't got that swing ♪
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Two, three, four.
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[SHOUTING]
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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Okay, Kermit, now it must be time
for me to go on, right?
105
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Uh, no, no, now it's time
for Pigs In Space.
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What? Kermit, please let me
at least be in Pigs In Space.
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-Uh, you... you can't.
-But why can't I be in Pigs In Space?
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Because you're not a pig!
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Well, nobody's perfect!
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Oh. If only I had an idea
to get me into Pigs In Space.
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Will somebody please bring me
my Pigs In Space costume?
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Oh, thank you!
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NARRATOR:
And now, Pigs In Space!
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Featuring the Neanderthalic
Captain Link Hogthrob...
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the over-developed first mate,
Miss Piggy...
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and the tridecaphobic
Dr. Julius Strangepork.
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As we left our heroes last week,
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Captain Hogthrob had just ordered
the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.
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Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew
on deck for inspection.
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All hogs on deck!
All hogs on deck! Swee! Pig, pig, pig!
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Ten-hut!
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Men, this ship is a disgrace.
Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.
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We thought it was kind of homey, Link.
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Doctor, you're out of line.
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Now I want this entire ship
swabbed down from stem to, uh...
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From stem to, uh...
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Uh, to the back part.
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That's stern, captain.
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You bet that's stern.
I'm sick of sloppiness.
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-First Mate Piggy!
-Uh, yes, sir!
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-Did you shave this morning?
-Uh, no, mon capitain, I did not!
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Well, see that it never happens again.
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Ma, we're only acting, don't worry.
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-What?
-Nothing, just, you know...
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Well, that goes for the rest
of you men, too. Dismissed!
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-Except for you, First Mate Piggy.
-Except for me! Yes, sir, mon capitain!
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I, First Mate Piggy, would love
to be of service to mon capitain, sir!
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-Uh, you would?
-Yes, sir!
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00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:34,926
Well, uh... ahem. Let's step over
to the console here. Walk this way.
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I'll try.
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00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,141
-Uh, First Mate Piggy?
-Yes, sir!
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-Stand next to me.
-Yes, sir!
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-Look deep into my eyes.
-Yes, sir!
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-Give us a little kiss, pork chop.
-Yes-- Sorry, ha, ha. No, sir!
145
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-Oh, sweetheart. First Mate Piggy...
-Ma, it's not that kind of show!
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Oh, come on. Please, oh, honey lamb.
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00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:05,790
NARRATOR: Tune in again next week
for another confusing episode of
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Pigs In Space!
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00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:16,509
Okay, where is Fozzie?
How dare he steal my costume!
150
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I'll chop him into bear burger!
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00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,058
Wait! You don't understand!
Wait! See? Look, look!
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-You're an impostor! Impostor!
-Oh, no! Wait, wait!
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I'll get you for imposting a pig!
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Come back here!
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00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,734
Ha-ha-ha. Uh-oh.
156
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There you are!
How dare you steal my costume!
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[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
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-Froggy! The frog, the frog.
-The frog, yeah, the frog...
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KERMIT: Hey, come on, you guys.
What are you doing?
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Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, Ma.
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It looks like it's just you and me
for the rest of the evening, folks.
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00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:03,181
Thought I'd come out and tell
a few jokes, sing a few songs...
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Fozzie, will you get off the stage?
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That too, yes.
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Let's see now, where was I? Ahem.
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Ladies and gentlemen, it's seldom
we have a guest puppeteer on the show.
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In fact, between you and me, it's rare
that we have any puppeteers on the show.
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00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:22,283
So it gives me great pleasure
to introduce a very talented young man.
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00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,743
Mr. Bruce Schwartz!
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[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING]
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Oh, that puppet looked so alive!
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Well, that's more than I can say for you!
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Here we go now.
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♪ In tropical climes
There are certain times of day ♪
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♪ When all the citizens retire
To take their clothes off and perspire ♪
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00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,718
♪ It's one of those rules
The greatest fools obey ♪
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00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:48,555
♪ Because the sun is far too sultry
And one must avoid its ultry-violet ray ♪
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00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:51,558
♪ Pakalaka-pakalaka-pakalaka boo
Pakalaka-pakalaka-pakalaka boo ♪
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00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:55,186
♪ Digga-rigga digga-rigga digga-rigga do
Digga-rigga digga-rigga digga-rigga do ♪
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00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,814
♪ The natives grieve
When the white men leave their huts ♪
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00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,817
♪ Because they're obviously
Definitely nuts ♪
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00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,988
♪ Mad dogs and Englishmen
Go out in the midday sun ♪
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00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:08,408
-♪ The Japanese don't care to ♪
-♪ The Chinese wouldn't dare to ♪
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00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,494
♪ Hindus and Argentines
Sleep firmly from twelve 'till one ♪
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00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:15,040
♪ But Englishmen detest a siesta ♪
186
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:18,168
♪ In the Philippines are lovely screens
To protect you from the glare ♪
187
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,086
♪ In the Malay States
There are hats like plates ♪
188
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,463
♪ Which the Britishers won't wear ♪
189
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:24,674
♪ At twelve noon, the natives swoon
And no further work is done ♪
190
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:28,428
♪ But mad dogs and Englishmen
Go out in the midday sun ♪
191
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:31,014
-Oh, very good.
-Wow!
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00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:34,059
♪ It's such a surprise
For the Eastern eyes to see ♪
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00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,061
-What?
-♪ That though the English are effete ♪
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00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,229
♪ They're quite impervious to heat ♪
195
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,440
♪ When the white man rides
Every native hides in glee ♪
196
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:42,650
-Why's that?
-♪ Because the simple creatures hope ♪
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00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:44,778
♪ He will impale
His sola topee on a tree ♪
198
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:48,114
♪ Mali-mali-mali-mali-mali-mali-ma
Mali-mali-mali-mali-mali-mali-ma ♪
199
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:51,368
♪ Hobinini-hobinini-hobinini-ha
Hobinini-hobinini-hobinini-ha ♪
200
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,995
♪ It seems such a shame
When the English claim the earth ♪
201
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,414
♪ That they give rise
To such hilarity and mirth ♪
202
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,208
[ALL LAUGHING]
203
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:01,169
♪ Mad dogs and Englishmen
Go out in the midday sun ♪
204
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:04,506
♪ The smallest Malay rabbit
Deplores this awful habit ♪
205
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:07,759
♪ In Hong Kong they strike a gong
And fire off a new-day gun ♪
206
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,178
♪ To reprimand each inmate who's in late ♪
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00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:11,304
Serves him right.
208
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,931
♪ In the mangrove swamps
Where the python romps ♪
209
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,557
♪ There's peace from twelve to two ♪
210
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,811
♪ And caribous lie around and snooze
There's nothing else to do ♪
211
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:21,314
♪ In Bengal to move at all
Is seldom if ever done ♪
212
00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:23,817
♪ But mad dogs and Englishmen
Go out in the midday ♪
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00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,362
♪ Out in the midday, out in the midday
Out in the midday, out in the midday ♪
214
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,781
♪ Out in the midday
Out in the midday sun ♪
215
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,456
Okay, Kermit, now you're going to
introduce me, right?
216
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:42,127
-Uh, no.
-Kermit, my mother is in the audience.
217
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:45,255
-When do I go on?
-When do you go on? You've already been
218
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,425
in all the introductions,
Pigs In Space, everything else.
219
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,428
-What do you want, star billing?
-That would be nice.
220
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,471
-Get out of here!
-Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
221
00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:59,019
[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]
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♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪
223
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,029
[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]
224
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:13,825
Excuse me! You look like
a very understanding person,
225
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:17,579
and maybe you can solve
my problem for me. You see...
226
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:22,751
♪ I hear singing
And there's no one there ♪
227
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:26,713
♪ I smell blossoms
And the trees are bare ♪
228
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:27,839
[CHEF SNIFFS]
229
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:32,677
♪ All day long I seem to walk on air ♪
230
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,221
♪ I wonder why ♪
231
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,891
♪ I wonder why ♪
232
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,142
Can you tell me why?
233
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,727
[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]
234
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,164
Let's get this together, shall we?
235
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:08,129
♪ I hear singing
And there's no one there ♪
236
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:13,468
♪ I smell blossoms
And the trees are bare ♪
237
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:18,056
♪ All day long I seem to walk on air ♪
238
00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:20,767
♪ I wonder why ♪
239
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:24,229
♪ I wonder why ♪
240
00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:29,567
♪ I keep tossing in my sleep at night ♪
241
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:34,823
♪ And what's more, lost my appetite ♪
242
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:39,703
♪ Stars that used to twinkle in the sky ♪
243
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:43,373
♪ Are twinkling in my eyes ♪
244
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:50,213
♪ I wonder why ♪
245
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:02,976
Well, I just learned something about
the Swedish Chef I didn't know before.
246
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:04,185
What's that?
247
00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:07,063
Cooking is the second worst thing he does.
248
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,653
-And now, ladies and gentlemen...
-Kermit, please, now me, please?
249
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:16,072
-Yes, now!
-Thank you.
250
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:20,201
Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen,
due to an overwhelming demand...
251
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,954
From him, if not from the rest of us...
252
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:27,542
Here he is, our own furry funny man,
Fozzie Bear!
253
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:31,713
Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you,
thank you, and thank you!
254
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:36,593
Yes, tonight, because there is a certain
someone special in the audience,
255
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:41,973
I will do a special act: Phrenology!
256
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,350
Phren-what?
257
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:49,397
And... And for this demonstration,
I will need a volunteer.
258
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:52,609
-Fozzie, what are you going to do?
-Trust me, it's for my mother.
259
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:56,404
Okay, gang. Phrenology.
260
00:19:56,488 --> 00:20:02,077
The art of reading a person's fortune
by feeling the bumps on his head.
261
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,620
[YELLS]
262
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:05,705
Okay, now, here we go.
263
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:10,835
Well, I can tell
you're a very flexible person.
264
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,507
-Fozzie.
-Yes, okay, okay, here we go.
265
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:20,178
I can see in your future...
Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow,
266
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,013
you will have a stiff neck.
267
00:20:22,097 --> 00:20:23,973
[KERMIT GROANING]
268
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:27,394
You're gonna get another job tomorrow,
I'll tell you that.
269
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,729
-Please, please, Do it for Mom.
-Yeah, sure.
270
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,940
-Here we go! Bumps!
-Yeah, sure. Your mother.
271
00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:36,069
You got some nice bumps, frog.
Bumps, bumps.
272
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:38,905
-Wonderful.
-Except your, uh...
273
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:42,075
Your bumps for intelligence
are very small.
274
00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:45,537
-What?
-Yeah, it's okay, I can fix that.
275
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:46,663
You're gonna what?
276
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:48,832
[YELLS]
277
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:51,042
-You'll notice...
-Fozzie, that's enough of that!
278
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,210
Get out of here!
279
00:20:57,465 --> 00:21:00,760
Hi. Uh, Uncle Kermit's
kind of busy right now,
280
00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,888
so I don't think he'd mind
if I tell you that here now,
281
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:07,475
accompanied by the puppet artistry
of Bruce Schwartz,
282
00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:10,311
is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine.
283
00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:14,858
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING]
284
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:26,953
♪ If a picture paints a thousand words ♪
285
00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:31,207
♪ Then how can I paint you? ♪
286
00:21:32,584 --> 00:21:37,464
♪ The words would never show ♪
287
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:43,261
♪ The you I've come to know ♪
288
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:51,978
♪ If a face could launch
A thousand ships ♪
289
00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:57,359
♪ Then where am I to go? ♪
290
00:21:58,318 --> 00:22:03,531
♪ There's no one home but you ♪
291
00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:10,288
♪ You're all that's left me too ♪
292
00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:19,172
♪ And when my love for life ♪
293
00:22:20,715 --> 00:22:23,551
♪ Is running dry ♪
294
00:22:24,469 --> 00:22:31,476
♪ You'll come and pour yourself ♪
295
00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:35,563
♪ On me ♪
296
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:42,654
♪ If a girl could be two places
At one time ♪
297
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:47,826
♪ I'd be with you ♪
298
00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:52,330
♪ Tomorrow and today ♪
299
00:22:53,957 --> 00:22:58,878
♪ Beside you all the way ♪
300
00:22:59,671 --> 00:23:06,177
♪ If the world should stop revolving ♪
301
00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:12,726
♪ Spinning slowly down to die ♪
302
00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:17,397
♪ I'd spend the end with you ♪
303
00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:23,820
♪ And when the world was through ♪
304
00:23:24,988 --> 00:23:29,534
♪ One by one ♪
305
00:23:30,577 --> 00:23:35,832
♪ The stars would all go out ♪
306
00:23:36,374 --> 00:23:42,255
♪ Then you and I ♪
307
00:23:42,339 --> 00:23:48,053
♪ Would simply fly ♪
308
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:53,725
♪ Away ♪
309
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:17,749
♪ Then one by one ♪
310
00:24:17,832 --> 00:24:24,047
♪ The stars would all go out ♪
311
00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:30,595
♪ And you and I ♪
312
00:24:32,097 --> 00:24:38,687
♪ Would simply fly ♪
313
00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:45,777
♪ Away ♪
314
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,330
Well, I think we've come
down to the end of it.
315
00:24:57,414 --> 00:25:01,209
Before we go, let's have a warm
thank-you for our special guest star,
316
00:25:01,292 --> 00:25:03,586
ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
317
00:25:06,339 --> 00:25:09,009
FOZZIE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
318
00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:12,679
Oh, thanks, Kermit.
It's been a lot of fun, really.
319
00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:15,056
-Hey, Fozzie, did your mom enjoy the show?
-Hmm?
320
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:17,642
Oh, I don't know,
I haven't even had time to ask her.
321
00:25:17,726 --> 00:25:20,645
-Listen, Fozzie, why don't you ask her?
-Okay.
322
00:25:20,729 --> 00:25:23,356
Hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?
323
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,316
[SNORING]
324
00:25:30,405 --> 00:25:33,158
Ugh. Mom, how could you?
325
00:25:34,325 --> 00:25:37,495
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!
326
00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:39,789
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
327
00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:42,834
Leave me alone, Gonzo.
328
00:26:16,201 --> 00:26:17,994
Well, shall we call it a night?
329
00:26:18,078 --> 00:26:20,747
Might as well.
Certainly wouldn't call it a show.
26341
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