All language subtitles for The Middleman S01E10 The Vampiric Puppet Lamentation 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track4_[eng]

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Then the crown roast caught on fire
while Tyler was in the shower,

and he had to run outside naked.

Could you hand me the
Subway Collapse?

He covered himself with the tarp
from the neighbor's Slip 'N Slide

while he waited for the
fire department to show,

but his sister Marjorie was so busy
listening to her Miguel Bose records,

that she never realized
there was a fire at all.

Hey, this is Impending Doom.

So how's Tyler's trip
with his family going?

The trip I've been talking about
for the last five minutes?

Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm
a little out of it.

Tell me you didn't eat another hot
lunch on the day of our party.

You know how that
saps your energy.

I had a sex dream about Pip.

Could you rewind that? 'Cause it sounded like
you said you dreamt you were knocking boots

with the malignant nematode son of our
building owner who copied my artwork

and tried to pass
it off as his own.

That's just it. And he was kinda...
[laughs]

I'm still a little dizzy.

You have to walk me through this
because I do not see it at all.

It started pretty normal,
for that kind of a dream.

- Hello, Lacey.
- Hey.

How could a sex dream with
Pip possibly start normal?

Hello, Lacey.

Oh, God. Why are we even
talking about this?

- Oh, God, you are hot for him.
- Hot for Pip?

- PMGO.
- PMGO?

- "Puke my guts out."
- He ripped your clothes off?

Grow up, Dub-Dub. He is a being
of the purest and darkest evil.

You and I have a party to throw and
this discussion is getting in the way.

Wait, wait, wait. I just have
one thing I have to know:

Was Pip packing?

The seventh grade called, they
want their maturity back.

[dance music plays]

- Hey, have you seen Noser?
- No... sir. [laughs]

Joe, I'm serious. He's
not in the hallway,

Anvil hasn't seen him in forever.
No one knows where he is.

- Hey, am I my Noser's keeper?
- Oh...

Hey, Lacey. Have you seen Noser?

So, I see the being of purest evil that no
part of you is even remotely attracted to

somehow got invited
to our party.

He never gets invited anywhere.
Doesn't mean I wanna do him.

Can I interest my gracious
hosts in a free reading?

Tarot cards are for the spiritually
vulnerable and intellectually weak.

Come on, it'll be scintillating and
revealing of all your darkest secrets.

Do it for Wendy, she's the one
that looks way too into dreams.

Empty your thoughts.

No party, no music, no friends.

- Can you do this?
- Does Usagi Yojimbo kick serious ass?

- That's a yes.
- Then look far within yourself

until you see nothing but the
deepest yearnings of your soul.

Ah, it's The Lovers
and The Chariot.

You recently were in a
long relationship, yes?

- Yeah, with Ben.
- It'll continue for many years.

Yeah, he dumped me on camera and then
used the footage to score a movie deal.

Oh, well, the pairing can also
mean The Lover has left you.

Permanently.

[speaking foreign
language in deep voice]

- What?
- [continues speaking]

English, woman!

Young Noser will be
rent limb from limb

to save you!

And, after years of silence, you
finally hear from your mother.

Um, could you go back to the
part about Noser being killed?

I didn't say
anything about that.

Oh! Temperance and The Emperor.

You spend too much
time with your father.

Hey, Noser. I know this is like
the fourteenth message I've left,

but, uh, I just wanna
make sure you're OK.

So call me back.

Or text. Or, you
know, come over.

Bye.

Why do you hate me?

Noser never showed
up for the party

and he still hasn't come
in to drink our coffee.

He's officially MIA.

He's a grown boy.
What's the big?

Jamie the Tarot girl, she
told me he was gonna die.

I think. I'm pretty sure.

Do I have to read you
Carl Sagan's book again?

Even if the universe
decided to communicate

via playing card images
of antiquated archetypes,

do you really think it would use that CK
One-cologne drenched charlatan as its mouthpiece?

I really want to believe you,
but your subconscious desire

to do Pip calls all your
advice into question.

- That was one dream.
- Really? You didn't have one last night?

No.

- No!
- Whether the universe speaks through Jamie or not,

I still wanna know
if my friend's OK.

- Maybe I should go ask his roommate.
- Anvil? Are you crazy?

He'll sell you for
decongestant money.

I guess I'll just
go door to door.

- [watch beeping]
- [sighs]

Or get called in to work and leave
Noser abandoned and defenseless.

- [sighs]
- [laughs] Go to work.

- I'll find Noser.
- Thanks, Lace.

- Hello, Dubbie.
- Ooh! Is it 4:20 already?

Please tell me we're
hunting vampires.

- Einstein strikes again.
- [Wendy] Yes!

At my Confirmation, I prayed I would
one day grow up to kill a vampire.

And now I can.

Wait. Vampires don't rend
people limb from limb, do they?

Not traditionally. Try
this on for size.

- Oh. I'm-a get my Buffy on.
- Hopefully, you won't.

Vampires have been extinct
ever since a Middleman killed

the last one in the late 1800s.

Let's just say that Van Helsing might
as well be Dutch for "The Middleman."

But if vampires are extinct,
what's with the wooden stake?

Not just any wood, Dubbie.
You can only kill a vampire

with a stake carved of
purest Carpathian wood.

OK, what's with the stake
of purest Carpathian wood?

And what's Ida doing
with that pile of money?

Marked bills. Don't
get any bright ideas.

- Ever hear of Vlad the Impaler?
- Does Usagi Yojimbo kick...?

Fifteenth century Wallachian
duke, impaled 80,000 Ottomans?

And feasted on their blood. Vlad
was the king of all vampires.

His army once killed 15,000
peasants in a single afternoon.

Just to be clear, he did that by
impaling, not by rending limbs?

Today, a vast collection of Vlad's personal
artifacts has come up for auction.

O2STK believes that,
in the wrong hands,

any one of those artifacts could
trigger a vampire resurgence.

So we're buying the
whole collection.

I'll be darned if vampires come
out of retirement on my watch.

This auction, some pretty
gnarly stuff, huh?

Like, uh, torture devices,

that wheel they use to rend
people from limb to limb?

Dubbie, I can't help but notice you seem
to have rent appendages on your brain.

That's the hippie
lettuce talking.

This annoying girl gave
me a Tarot card reading,

and I'm kinda sure I saw her
get all creepy and tell me

that Noser was gonna be rent limb
from limb. Pretty silly, huh?

Not necessarily.
The way I see it,

A, you overdid it
with the tipple,

B, your experience in the
underworld opened your third eye,

putting you in direct contact with
prophetic voices from the great beyond.

- Thanks for ruining my life.
- If you want to help Mr. Noser,

you'll dedicate yourself
mind, body and soul

to preventing undead creatures of the night
from rising from the grave to suck him dry.

You don't talk to other
humans much, do you?

- What did you say?
- You heard me.

Tell me where Noser went!

- Hey, now, what's going on?
- Pip was about to eat my fist for lunch.

- Bring it.
- Before we bring in the first responders,

mind if I ask you boys something?
I'm looking for Noser.

So am I, but vocational school
here won't tell me where he is.

Ask God when you see
him in five seconds.

Actually, Anvil, I haven't
seen Noser in a few days,

and I'm getting freaked out.

You're his roommate, can you
remember the last time you saw him?

Come to think of it, Lacey, I haven't
seen Noser in a few days either.

[sighs] Thanks.

Nice going, flower power. Noser owes
me three months rent, plus interest.

Dude was this close to
telling me where he is.

Dude was this close to giving
you a manual lobotomy.

- Why do you want him?
- Wendy got a reading that said he was gonna die.

Tarot's for the spiritually
vulnerable and weak.

It sure is.

I have to go.

- You're not going anywhere.
- I have to find Noser.

I do too, and until I get my rent money,
you're getting more than you bargained for.

I'm your [beeps] partner.

Complete the
following statement:

"Vampires cannot be
detected by A, mirrors,

B, cameras, C,
cameras or mirrors,

- or D, none of the above."
- You do get it

that I have reprints of Marv Wolfman and
Gene Colan's entire run on Tomb of Dracula,

an encyclopedic knowledge of Christopher Lee
and Peter Cushing's work for Hammer Films,

and have laid eyes on at least three
of the major Canadian syndicated

vampire detective shows? C.

Gold star.

"Vampires have the ability to turn
humans into vampires, true or false?"

- Do you want me to leave?
- Actually, this one's tricky.

The Middle organization does
have an anti-vampire vaccine.

Once a vampire tastes your blood,
it knows your entire life story,

your hopes, your
fears, your dreams.

I get it. Don't let them bite me.
Check.

[clears throat]

"If a vampire offers you
soup, what does this mean?

- A..."
- [phone rings]

- Find Noser yet?
- No, but we're still looking.

I mean I'm still looking.

- Alone.
- You're with Pip, aren't you?

- It kinda just happened.
- Oh, Lacey, you didn't.

I'd rather lick money. He's
just looking for Noser, too.

And, by the way, he agrees
that Tarot is a total joke.

I'm glad you have
so much in common.

It's the foundation for a lasting
and loving relationship.

Anyway, we're looking through the whole
building, so I'm sure we'll find Noser soon.

Keep me posted. And with Pip, you
know, just keep your pants on.

- Lacey's seeing Pip?
- What? No. I'm making fun of her

because she had a sex
dream about him.

- Lacey had a sex dream about Pip?
- It's not that big of a deal.

- But he's a plagiarist.
- What happened to dedicating mind, body and soul

to the task at hand?

"If a vampire
offers you soup..."

Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated.
Thank you.

Good afternoon, my name is Nikolas
Pherides. I'll be your tour guide today

for the most terrifying
auction in history.

Actual items actually owned by
the actual Vlad the Impaler.

Who knows what foul sights
our first item has seen,

what unheard cries for help, what
splatters of blood it must have felt.

Presenting lot A,

- this door hinge!
- [crowd gasps]

Shall we start the
bidding at, say, $666?

[scoffs] Like anyone's gonna pay
that much for a door hinge.

Rich people.

Seven-fifty. Do I have $800?
Eight hundred, do I have $850?

$850? $850. Do I have $900?
$900.

- We don't have to buy that, do we?
- Of course.

- But it's just a door hinge.
- And perhaps it opens a door to the vampire underworld.

- There's a vampire underworld?
- Do you want to find out the hard way?

1,300 to the gentleman here.
1,300 going once, going twice.

Sold to the gentleman with the green
Eisenhower jacket. for $1,300

[applause]

4,005? 5,000? 5,000.

Do I have 5,005? 5,005!
Do I have 6,000? 6,000.

6,005? 6,005 going
once, going twice.

Sold to the young lady in back.

[applause]

That's one expensive
spoon fragment.

You said it yourself:
vampire soup.

I just hope we have enough
money left for the last item.

- We're down to $400,000.
- What's the last item?

- A surprise.
- Sadly, ladies and gentlemen,

we've reached the end of
our journey of terror.

But don't despair, we've
saved the best for last.

Vlad the Impaler had two loves:

Feasting on the blood
of his impaled victims,

and puppet shows.

Say hello to Little Vladdy.
A mere puppet? Perhaps.

But legend has a
different story.

Throughout history, his owners'
lives have been fraught

with madness, fever, pestilence,

matri-, fratri-,
patri-and sui-cide.

- [laughter]
- I have a bad feeling about this.

How many of you would like
to see what Little Vladdy

has to say about his
bad reputation?

[cheering]

[puppet gasping]

Where am I? Who are you people?

- [laughter]
- That's not the auctioneer talking, is it?

Dare you laugh at me? The eternal night
of blood shall soon be upon you!

A seemingly possessed
auctioneer?

A puppet ranting about an
eternal night of blood?

- It's go time.
- You mortals will either join the cult,

or serve as food for
your new masters!

[screaming]

- Out of my way, you fools!
- [screaming]

Sir? Sir, put down that dummy!

I obey no man!

Looks like we're gonna have
to do this the hard way.

Dubbie, did he just
turn into a bat puppet?

Man, I don't even
have an opinion.

I don't suppose our coping guide
has a chapter on vampire puppets.

We'll have to write
it ourselves.

Why didn't he turn into a
crispy fritter in the sun?

- Isn't that vampire 101?
- For flesh and blood vampires, but Vladdy's made of wood.

- Wait.
- [both] Shellac!

All bets are off, Dubbie.
The only thing I'm sure of

is we need to stake Vladdy's heart
before he turns people into...

...whatever a vampire
puppet turns people into.

Ida, glue your ear
to the police radio.

It's only a matter of time before the
puppet-attack 911 calls start pouring in.

I'm not sure Vladdy's gonna
start biting anyone just yet.

Look, it's trying to think.

I've seen all the Blade movies.
I know my way around suckheads.

Vampires live to feast on the
blood of the living, right?

There were plenty of throats at that
auction. Why didn't Vladdy bite anyone?

I figured he didn't want a chestful
of purest Carpathian wood.

No. He said something about
"the eternal night of blood"

and he was out the door before
he realized anyone was chasing.

Maybe he has to do something to bring
about that "eternal night of blood,"

and maybe one of his previous
owners already tried.

Bram Stoker's widow!

Dubbie, that's a very
canny observation.

Ida, course correction.

Hop on the HEYDAR and search down every
previous owner of Little Vladdy.

Hopefully, someone who tried him on in
the past has lived to tell the story.

Way to see clearly in this bog.

It hasn't been easy wiping
the vision of Noser's

agonizing dismemberment
from your mind.

And thanks for putting
it right back in.

Vampires have killed more
Middlemen than any other threat.

- Really? How many?
- Two.

Okey-dokey, how's this sound?
Renfield Rehnquist

tried Little Vladdy on on
national television 15 years ago.

We're here at the home of
everybody's favorite ventriloquist

to take a look at some
of his favorite dummies.

Renfield, this is quite a collection.
What's your most valuable puppet?

I'd have to say... it's
this guy, by a long shot.

- Wow, he looks pretty scary.
- I'm not sure that's the best idea.

I mean, I don't wear him.
He's quite old, and delicate.

- He's scared to put him on.
- I'll say he is.

- Just wait.
- [laughs] Think of all the kiddie fans watching from home.

You really want to
disappoint them?

- Don't do it.
- What the heck?

- [laughs]
- I have always wanted to try him on.

Here we go.

Where am I? Who are you people?

[host laughs] Hello
there, little fella.

How dare you laugh at me!
Don't you know who I am?

Easy, easy. Maybe it's time
to take off the puppet.

- Never! Away from me!
- [screaming]

- PMGO!
- Goes on like that for a while.

After killing the camera
guy and the van driver,

the boom operator managed
to chop off Renfield's arm.

He's been spending his days at
the laughing academy ever since.

Ida, would you hit pause
on that, please? Ugh!

You do understand
the concept here?

We want people to talk to us.

- So we can find Noser.
- News flash, Pollyanna.

The problem ain't me.

Keep giving people sugar, they're
gonna keep walking all over you.

- Let's go talk to Joe 90.
- He doesn't know anything.

- I talked to him this morning.
- Did you make fun of his glasses?

Yeah? So?

Time to see what
Pollyanna can do.

Oh. Care to make
this interesting?

- Twenty bucks?
- Done.

- Hey, Lacey, what's up?
- Two things:

One, did I tell you how much I
liked your latest sculpture?

You liked Obelisk at Dawn?
[chuckles]

I thought I'd be in for
another one of your lectures

on the art community's need for
phallic symbol reversalism. [laughs]

Nope, I'm good.

Anyway, number two: have
you seen Noser lately?

Weird. Pip came by this morning
asking me the same thing.

I'll tell you what
I told him: No.

Now, I'll you the truth: Yes.

[laughs] Like I'd ever rat out the Nose
to that smug little self-loving ponce.

- So you wanna see the surveillance tape?
- Surveillance tape?

Pip's dad gives him money to pay
for the building's security,

but he keeps the cash and lowers
my rent to do it instead.

Seriously, I don't know how that tool
case looks at himself in the mirror.

I'll get the tape.

Looks like boy owes
girl 20 bucks.

Small price to pay for being the
laughing stock of the building.

You know, Pip, maybe if you
were a little nicer to people,

they'd be more willing to
let you into their lives.

You so wanna do me.

We don't get many visitors from
the Department of Education.

If you can teach the criminally
insane, you can teach anyone.

When that boom operator chopped off
Renfield's arm, he lost blood,

so much so, he went brain dead three
times on the operating table.

He now suffers from a
rare condition called

acute-borderline-hyper-
cerebral-dysplasia.

It's destroyed his ability
to tell where he stops

and where the machinations of
his deranged psyche begin.

- And you give him needles?
- Needlepoint can be a valuable tool for the relief of stress.

- Talk to him all you like.
- Thank you, Dr. Judd.

Sir, time is of the essence,
so I'll skip the pleasantries.

Little Vladdy, the puppet that sent
you here, has come back to life.

We believe you might know
where we can find him.

Hey. Look here, buddy.

- It's OK, Wendy.
- What are you doing?

There's only one way to speak
to an insane ventriloquist.

Where has Little Vladdy gone?

- Elizabeth Rousset.
- Elizabeth Rousset?

His heart will guide him to her.

- Who is she?
- The vampire queen.

Vlad the Impaler married her
on the witch's Sabbath, 1459.

But a mob of villagers
scaled the castle walls

and murdered the lovers with
crude farming implements.

Vlad and Elizabeth's blood spilled
onto their two favorite puppets,

Vladdy and Lizzie, exact
replicas of themselves.

Their souls were damned
into the wood for all time.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

[sighs] [high-pitched
voice] Unless what?

If Vladdy and Lizzie remarry

on the arms of two people
who share true love,

they will regain the
form of flesh and blood

and create an undead army
that will plunge earth

into an eternal night of blood.
[laughing]

Ida, Vladdy's looking for a puppet named
Lizzie, and he's got a huge head start.

We need to find her yesterday.
Start by cross-referencing

Lizzie with Vlad the Impaler
in every database...

- Found her.
- That was fast.

Ha! Didn't even have to look
outside my local memory bank.

Are you telling me the puppet bride of
Vlad the Impaler is right there at HQ?

Yeah, a Middleman
bought her in 1895.

- Should be in the fifth floor archive.
- Dubbie, let's go!

We have Einstein's brain? I thought
that was at Princeton Hospital.

Transylvania 6-5000, Dubbie.

You really think we'd leave that hanging
around a bunch of frat boys with mono?

So whose brain does
Princeton have?

The only woman smart
enough to kill Einstein.

[phone rings]

Hey, Lacey. Good news?

Pip and I found Noser on the
building's surveillance footage.

Please tell me you're not alone
in our apartment with Pip.

And on that footage, Noser's
outside and he's pacing,

he looks kinda on edge. Then this
knock-out Eastern European-looking chick

gets out of a cab and hands
him a shiny metal briefcase.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Action movies from the
'90s taught us anything,

no good can come from anyone
of Eastern European descent

carrying or exchanging a
shiny silver briefcase!

That sounds suspiciously like
racial profiling, Dub-Dub.

OK, we can handle this. This doesn't necessarily
mean Noser's gonna be rent limb from limb.

See if you can read
the cab number.

Hey, can I use the HEYDAR
to help find Noser?

I can't lie, Wendy, this
Pip business bothers me.

The thought of her dating that
thievish entitled ne'er-do-well,

- it just smokes my skillet.
- So I can use the HEYDAR?

All right.

Ah.

Good work, Middleman 1895.

Hey, Lacey, I'll use my connections
at work to track down that taxi cab.

The woman in the surveillance
video is Irena Dubrovna.

- 1010 Holmwood Drive.
- Get the stake!

- [shouting]
- [grunting]

Unhand me!

Now, Dubbie!

- Ah!
- No!

- Would you hold the [beep] still?
- There's no time.

This is a code blood red. We have
to move and we have to move now.

Oh, you are not going
anywhere without a dose

- of the Montesi Formula anti-vampire vaccine.
- Yeah.

I don't want you turning into a vampire,
or a vampire puppet, or whatever.

Besides, we don't even know
where Vladdy and Lizzie went.

Oh, you slipped him the Middlewatch
to track him. Very nice.

- Ida, ETA on the vaccine?
- Sixty seconds.

- Make it thirty.
- I know you're upset about Chucky's grandfather

sneaking in and biting you.

Dang vampires, not showing
up on surveillance monitors.

- How could I have missed it?
- Could you take it down a notch?

Dubbie, ten minutes ago this
fight was just like any other.

Now Vladdy has a tummyful
of my red stuff.

That bite gave him front
row seats to my being.

He knows the way I think now.

So we know he won't be hiding out
in any dairies or G-rated movies.

My ability to fight may have
been permanently compromised.

You need to ready yourself
to finish this fight alone.

- Bend over.
- The whole me fighting the fight without you,

that's like a worst-case
scenario, right?

Dubbie, as much as it pains me,

at this moment I'm unable to give you
any guarantee this will end well.

No pressure, hon. I fully
expect you to fail.

How'd Wendy find this
briefcase chick, anyway?

She's got crazy access
to stuff at work.

Crazy access to
her boss's pants.

Don't touch my stomach.
Or my legs.

Then how do you want me to sit?

OK. Lessons are $65 per session,
with a four week mini...

Excuse me, I'm sorry.
We're friends of Noser's.

- Do you know where he is?
- How did you find me?

- Just tell us where he is!
- What are you...?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just, Noser's
my best friend,

and he's in really big trouble with
his entitled tool of a landlord.

- Pip?
- Yeah, he's a monster.

And he's gonna sell all
of Noser's guitars.

Do you know what that would do to him?
Music is his life.

- Noser swore me to secrecy.
- No, Lacey, it's OK.

This just isn't meant to be.

- Wait.
- Yeah?

You know Noser as the carefree
guitar strumming poet, no?

But I tell you, he's got
the talent of a god.

His family hired
me to tutor him.

By age five, he was
writing his own material.

By age six, he humiliated
all of the great masters.

It was marvelous. We saw the
world, one royal palace at a time.

Of course, by then I had
nothing to teach the boy.

But the family took pity, allowing
me to care for the instrument.

Then one day, Noser turned 13.

He asked to retire. His
family respected his wishes,

moving to a goat farm in Monaco.

I vowed to heaven I would
guard the instrument,

knowing in my heart of hearts that
one day he would perform again.

- And that's what was in the briefcase?
- Yes.

Where is he performing?

The trail stops here, Dubbie.

You ready to puncture
some puppet heart?

I'm not sure it's
gonna be that simple.

A crazed man walking around
with two ventriloquist dummies?

He'll stick out
like a sore thumb.

Oh, phooey.

- Lacey?
- Hey, Wendy.

- And Wendy's boss.
- Hello, Lacey.

- Oh, have you met Pip?
- It's a pleasure.

Boop.

So, what brings you here, Lacey?

Irena said this is
where we'd find Noser.

- At a ventriloquist convention?
- Oh, this is way too good to be true.

Noser doesn't play guitar.
He's a ventriloquist.

I gotta go home and
get my camera.

So, Lacey, how have you been?

I've been fine. You know, I mean...
[laughs] OK.

I guess. Oh, my
God, what happened?

Oh, it's all right.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- I cut myself shaving this morning.

- With a machete?
- [both laugh]

- Hey, I think I see our client.
- Oh. Um...

You'll have to excuse us, Lacey.

Careful with that razor.

Lacey, find Noser and get him out of here.
He's not safe.

- Why not?
- Just... trust me.

Sir? Sir?

Where did the puppets go?

- Puppets?
- Uh, Vladdy from the auction.

- Where am I?
- Excuse us a moment.

- What's going on?
- Clearly, this man's suffering

from some sort of vampire
puppet-induced amnesia.

Vampire puppet-induced amnesia?
Sheesh!

Wait, if Vladdy's not on his
arm, he could be anywhere.

In a convention center
full of puppets.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a guy named Noser.

- Noser?
- He's about this tall...

- You're kidding.
- No. He's got an Afro...

The Noser? I know
what he looks like.

- Have you seen him?
- If I'd seen him, do you think I would

have flown across the country
to enter this contest?

Do you have any idea where
I could look to find him?

Sure, wherever they hand out
the gold [beeps] medals.

[Vladdy] Excuse me,
young pretty girl.

- I know where Noser is.
- Aw! He's cute.

- What's his name?
- Vladdy.

- Where's Noser, Vladdy?
- Follow me. I'll take you.

You're really good. I didn't
see your lips moving at all.

We should keep our eyes
peeled for couples, Dubbie.

Now that Vladdy has his fiance,
he'll be looking to get married.

Hey, look. I think
she found Noser.

- Lacey?
- Lacey?

- [growls]
- Get your fangs away from my best friend.

I have a different idea.

Put me on.

I thought the puppets had to get
married on two people in love...

Oh, boss.

- Stay your weapon, Dubbie.
- What are you doing?

- Saving Lacey.
- We can do that by putting a stake in Vladdy and Lizzie's

- cold black hearts.
- He knows I can't let Lacey get hurt.

- The blood does not lie.
- Pipe down, Pinocchio.

You can't do this. What about the vampire
army and the night of eternal blood?

Stop him alone. I warned
you this might happen.

Wendy, if this comes
down to the wire

and you have to make a choice
between me or Lacey, save her.

[Vladdy] Don't get any ideas
when I'm between arms,

or the girl dies.

- Where am I?
- Hang back and you'll be cool.

Prepare to reap the whirlwind.

Now, Wendy Watson.
Hand over the stake.

No way. I'm using
you for kindling.

I have a few friends standing
behind you who might disagree.

That one might have worked in 1459, but
today's woman is a little more savvy.

You created vampire puppet minions and
they're all standing behind me, aren't they?

Guilty.

Eat her slowly, my children.

Ah!

- [cackling]
- That is so not cool.

Hello. We'd like to get married.

It's a ventriloquist thing. Will there be
a problem marrying us with our puppets?

Goodness, no! I always have
time for two people in love.

Sorry, dude.

- [puppet screams]
- And sorry in advance.

This ring I give you,
in token and pledge

of our constant faith
and abiding love.

- Noser?
- Wendy Watson? What are you doing here?

- You gotta get out of here.
- I need the prize money.

Look, I sank all my money
into my concept album.

I came out of
retirement to do this,

to pay the rent and
finish my record,

and Young Noser and I
are taking the stage.

Noser, if you don't leave
immediately you're gonna...

Wait, "Young Noser?"

Young Noser will be
rent limb from limb

to save you!

Young Noser is my dummy. The whole point of
my act is that he looks exactly like me.

Trust me, Wendy Watson,
I get on that stage,

this prize money is mine.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

They're about to call me to stage.
Anything else I can do?

Not unless you have some
purest Carpathian wood handy.

That's weird. Did you just
say purest Carpathian wood?

- Yes.
- My old ventriloquism tutor

used that expression
all the time.

I carved him for you myself, out
of the purest Carpathian wood.

[both] Minions of the night,

arise from your
centuries of sleep

to feast on the blood
of all mankind!

You give love a bad name.

[screaming]

Where's Lacey?

- So I guess we, uh...
- Yep.

- What's going on?
- Uh, Lacey got a little overheated

in the convention center. So we
brought her here to cool off.

Really? I don't
remember that at all.

It's not uncommon for
a fainting victim

to experience a brief
period of forgetfulness.

Save it for class, teach.
Help me stand her up.

My car's parked just outside in the
handicapped spot if you want a ride home.

Get a good night's rest.
You'll be fine.

Oh. [laughs] Yeah, of course.

Hey. Where'd I get this ring?

Wendy, why don't you ride home with
your friends? I can see to things here.

Good idea.

- Ride lonesome, huh?
- Yeah. That's right.

So, Young Noser, I can't help but
notice you look a little different.

Why don't you tell the nice people
here what happened to your arms?

Oh, three-picture
deal, here I come.

- Hey. I'm watching that.
- Show's over.

- What are you doing?
- I want the footage.

Then watch it on-line when
I put it on MyFacelnATube.

Noser's very protective
about his past, Pip,

and it should be his decision whether
or not to come out of the...

- ...ventriloquism closet.
- Oh, well.

You got your rent money.
Now, you're just being mean.

Can't you do a solid
for your friend?

Noser's not my friend, remember?

Apparently, no one
in this building is.

Uh... here.

You done good, Pip.

Hey. Wanna do some more good?

- Ow!
- [laughs]

See you around.

So, looks like I'm rooming
with your ex-wife.

That was just an evil ceremony, Wendy.
It wasn't legally binding in any way.

I know. Just thought
a spoonful of funny

might help the unbearable
awkwardness go down.

Oh. Thanks.

So, you and my best friend...

True love.

Uh, the success of our
demonic puppet marriage

would seem to
validate that, yes.

You know, you're the one who
told me to open the door

if true love comes knocking.

None of this would have happened if
what you felt for Lacey wasn't real.

Even true love doesn't
always work out.

You're one of the good guys.
So is Lacey.

You deserve each other.
What if it's fate?

Like my message about Noser.
God knows what it was,

but something wanted to get me a
message that would save the day.

Who are you to say that something
doesn't want you to be with Lacey?

If I wanted to be with Lacey,
nothing could stop me.

No enemy, not Pip, not you,

not even fate.

But, uh...

- Well, she's not...
- She's not what?

'Cause from where I'm sitting,
she looks pretty good.

She's not the only woman I love.

Good work today, Dubbie.

Hey, Lacey and Noser, and
everyone in our building.

We had to celebrate Noser's
return to the land of the living.

And there was plenty
of green punch left.

Gotta love a recipe that
yields nine gallons.

To Noser: our favorite
man of mystery.

So, I assume the building doesn't
know your little secret.

I rushed out of town to spend a
few days with my grandmother?

- Nah, they know.
- Oh, my gosh, Noser, you'll never believe this.

While you were gone, I
totally did your reading

and it said you were with your grandmother.
Isn't that insane?

- My thoughts exactly.
- I still have the cards laid out.

Come on, I'll show you.

I'm telling you, he's a ventriloquist.
I have everything on camera.

- And where's the tape?
- Lacey stole it.

You actually expect me to believe someone
as pure-hearted and loving as Lacey

could out-manipulate someone as
conniving and evil-hearted as you?

She distracted me...
with a kiss.

[laughs] Yeah. This story's getting
easier and easier to believe.

- I can't make this stuff up!
- [laughing]

[gasps] Wait,

- you kissed Pip?
- It was for a good cause.

And believe me, it officially eradicated
any confusing subconscious attraction

- that may have been going on.
- Seriously?

You didn't have a sex dream
during your pre-party nap?

Hello, Lacey.

Nope. I'm good.

Then that's even more
cause to celebrate.

[piano music plays]