All language subtitles for The Middleman S01E08 The Ectoplasmic Panhellenic Investigation 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track4_[eng]

♪ ♪

[woman speaking over radio]

Units, we have an attempted
374B in progress.

Niner niner, this is control.
We have a 27B-6.

What's up with the droid?

- She's listening to chatter.
- Chatter?

CIA, NSA, Interpol,
local police.

They tend to ignore
the important things,

so we keep an ear to their frequencies for
anything that might require our special touch.

Just how much "special
touching" do we do?

Remember the mutant llama invasion of '06?
The second werewolf administration?

- The day without wheat?
- Wait. The second werewolf administration?

Vigilance is the
name of the game.

There's a bogie in
the reception area.

- Tyler.
- What in the gosh darn...?

[Ida] Tyler Ford. Current
address: 1812 Galaxy Avenue.

Relationship to the
Middle-organization:

former potential recruit who
interfered with a covert operation

while working as a busboy
at The Booty Chest.

The pirate-themed sports bar
with scantily-clad waitresses.

Pipe down. I was just getting to the fun
part where he got knocked in the head

and stricken with two-day-amnesia
while trying to save Wendy's keister.

Hm. What's he doing here?

Hopefully looking for me.

If he regained his memory he probably
has a pantload of questions.

Questions I'd rather not answer.

I'll find out. I'm
gonna go say hi.

Wait, no. Wendy,
no, our secrecy.

Secrecy? Come on.

We walk around with fake badges and
paper-thin cover stories and dorky uniforms

and most people still don't
believe any of the things we do.

Precisely. Most people can be
trusted to shrug off our presence,

but Tyler Ford
isn't most people.

We identified him as a possible
Middleman and that makes him a danger.

When people like he
start asking questions,

- sometimes we have to take measures.
- Define "measures."

A local reporter once asked too many
questions about our parameters.

Days later he received a lucrative offer
from a TV station in another town.

- That doesn't sound so bad.
- In Greenland.

I told young Tyler to scram.

You made the cute
boy go bye bye?

He didn't get his memory back.

Found our address in
his appointment book.

Wanted help piecing together
his missing two days.

You could have let me talk to him. If he
doesn't remember anything, what's the harm?

Ida did right. Any reminder about the events
from that day could open a cerebral floodgate,

causing him to regain his entire memory,
and that can only mean one thing.

Greenland.

Everything's fine, Mom. I do
not sound "dour and forlorn."

I'm just popping home
to pick up some stuff.

- No, I did not get fired.
- Nice car.

I gotta call you back.

- Hi.
- She's a beauty.

Really. I think the Smart Car is the
greatest act of automotive engineering

since the cuter, cuddlier, albeit
less efficient... Hruck Bugbear.

- Whoa.
- You OK?

Uh... I just got a massive
case of the deja vus. Weird.

Anyway, do you live
in this building?

Uh, yeah.

This is gonna sound
totally insane,

but you seem really nice
so maybe you can help me.

- [Middlewatch beeping]
- Shoot.

A little while ago I was beaten
by Lucha Libre wrestlers,

left for dead in an alley and
suffered two-day amnesia.

You still with me
or did I lose you?

I walk beside you.

Anyway, I'm on this quest

to piece together my
missing two days.

And your quest brought you here?

I can't remember anything specific. I
just keep getting these weird feelings.

Like deja vu?

More like intense happiness

coupled with a profound
sense of giddiness.

This is the crazy part. I'm pretty
sure that during those two days

I met my soulmate.

Soulmate? Really?

- [Middlewatch beeping]
- Could you excuse me?

So you were saying something
about a soulmate?

Yeah. Unfortunately Google can only do so
much when you don't have a name. Or a face.

But I got this in the mail.

- A check for 14.73?
- You ever heard of The Booty Chest?

Pirate-themed sports bar with
scantily-clad waitresses?

Arrr. I apparently worked there
as a busboy for 90 minutes.

The manager confirmed that I flirted
with one of the waitresses.

He even gave me her address.

- So you're here to see her?
- Yeah. But now I'm totally losing my nerve.

And I was hoping you could give me the
scoop on the girl in 6B. Is she single?

- Do I have a shot in hell?
- She's single.

And I'm pretty sure you
have an excellent chance.

- Really?
- I'm Wendy.

Wendy Watson.

I can't believe you
know Lacey Thornfield.

♪ Middleman ♪

Remember that dark
and soulless day

I spent peddling my goods
at The Booty Chest?

Rings a bell.

Well, you'll never guess

who showed up at our doorstep
looking for my booty.

Remember that cute
busboy, Tyler?

Tyler? Wow. Really?

Yeah. Now here
comes the awkward.

He asked me out.

Wow. Really?

That's your second "Wow really?"

Which is International
Wendy Code for "awkward."

I sorta figured you'd
have a problem with this.

I'm just surprised is all. I didn't
realize you'd gotten to know him.

Please tell Lacey hello from me.
And then tell her goodbye.

I'm afraid this is urgent.

Is that Pillow Lips?
Tell him I'm over him.

Lacey says hey.

So, yeah, me and Tyler
didn't talk much,

but I guess I left
an impression.

And to be honest he kinda
left an impression on me too.

- Wow. Really?
- You're doing it again.

- Lacey, I gotta run.
- OK. But call me when you get...

- What?
- Please replay the message.

- [tape rewinding]
- [man] Reitman University campus police.

- What's your emergency?
- [man] Dude, oh God, oh God, oh God.

There is some seriously crunked up stuff
over here! It's a ghost! A ghost!

- She's coming after me!
- [tape cuts off]

Ghosts? Sweet.

Dubbie, there's nothing
sweet about ghosts.

Spirits only linger in this world
when they have unfinished business,

violent, vengeful business.

But Casper's such
a friendly guy.

It may all seem like light
and magic at first,

but the next thing you know
the walls are bleeding

and you've got 25 pregnant women running
around screaming, "Mary, Mary, Mary"

and clawing their eyes out
with knitting needles

while your own hair grows to three times
its length and tries to strangle you.

That sounds... specific.

I've got an address. 55 Ray Parker Jr.
Avenue.

The house is registered
to an Omega Theta Nu.

Guys, I cracked the case. That's a
sorority. This is a pledge stunt.

Good afternoon, sir. We need a word
with your incarcerated ghost caller.

I'm Dr. Stantz and this is Dr. Zeddemore
with the parapsychology department.

The only people allowed near
him are the Metro Police.

- Of the Metro Police.
- Let me go get him.

Is everything OK with Lacey?

Yeah. Totally fine.

I'd hate to think she
were upset about...

Well, anything.

Oh.

Is that our prank caller?

- Nice dress.
- You'd wear it too

if it got you into Theta
Theta Gamma fraternity.

- I seriously doubt that.
- Start at the beginning.

My pledge challenge was to boldly
go where no man had gone before.

The third floor of the Omega
Theta Nu sorority house.

And that's where
you saw the ghost?

I don't know if she had legs, but she definitely
had arms, because she reached out for me.

- What did she say?
- I dunno.

But I definitely heard the
words "skank and whore."

Are you going to arrest me?

The campus cops said I'm in trouble
for making a phony phone call.

But I swear, these
boobs may be fake,

but that emergency
phone call was real.

Oh, man. You're gonna rough me up.
I've got rights, you know.

Louis, I would never hit a man in a dress
unless I had exhausted all other options.

Now relax and tell me how
long you've had the gift.

- [beeping]
- What gift?

The ability to see
and hear ghosts.

This was the first time.

Tell me about what's going on in your life.
Anything unusual?

My freshman year has been totally normal.
I go to class, hang with the bros...

This boy has no pineal gland.

That's because I had brain
surgery a few months back.

Might've been worth mentioning in
the "anything unusual" portion

of the question and
answer period.

[Ida] This is interesting.

Louis' lack of a pineal gland allows his
brain to receive low frequency vibrations.

Thus allowing him to see and hear ghosts.
Fascinating.

Can you construct something
that duplicates the effect?

- Certainly. Scalpel.
- Ida.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on it.

So what now? We head
on over to Greek row?

I wish it were that easy.

I know. Strangling hair.
Walls bleeding.

Those things I can handle.

Dubbie, I can badge my
way into Fort Knox.

I can talk my way into
Lincoln's bedroom.

But a sorority house? When it comes to
that forbidden stronghold of femininity,

I'm afraid penetration
is nearly impossible.

That's not what I've heard
about the Omegas. Oooh!

Never mind. I can get in.

- You can?
- Sure.

Any out-of-town Omega can show up
at the Reitman University chapter,

slip the president the secret handshake,
and ask to stay in the house.

And I can get the handshake from Lacey.
Her mom was an Omega.

Oh. So everything is
OK with you and Lacey?

Yeah. Everything's fine.

Sisters now We welcome you

To Omega Theta Nu

From where we come

To where you roam

Sisters forever
You're always home

Gonna need you to
stop bouncing now.

Hey. You asked for the
full sorority experience.

This is what it was
like growing up with

Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD,
Omega Theta Nu for a mother.

Never realized the full extent to which
that woman psychologically damaged you.

Speaking of emotionally
stunted...

- I'm not avoiding the Tyler topic.
- Yeah, you are.

But I get it. If you
like him, I'll back off.

So do you? Like him?

- Do you?
- I asked you first.

I'm not the one who
got asked out.

But you're the one potentially
blocking my ask out.

So you do want to
go out with him?

Yeah. I do.

Then you should go out with him.

But do you like him?

Honestly? I barely
even remember the guy.

I hate the idea of sending you alone against
an angry minion of the spirit world.

If I had the physique for it I'd pull on pumps,
a flowery skirt and a pair of panty hose

and go in there myself.

- Are these my Pineal Blockers?
- You'll be able to see ghosts

but unless you go through a Pineal-ectomy,
you won't be able to hear them.

And be careful with those. Ida constructed
them with the last of our Nutrona Wands.

You break it, you bought it.

The girls come in. They come out.
They talk in groups of variant size.

There's no pattern.
I don't like it.

That's because they are sorority
girls, not Soviet spies.

Speaking of the Red Menace,

while undercover, you will follow the Cold
War spy method known as Moscow Rules.

The tenets by which America's agents of
freedom survived under the Socialist yoke.

Moscow Rule number
one, assume nothing.

Two. Build in opportunity,
use it sparingly.

Three, never go against your gut,
it is your operational antenna.

Four, don't look back. You
are never completely alone.

Five, everyone is potentially
under opposition control.

- Six...
- How many Moscow Rules are there?

Fifteen.

Six, there is no limit

to a human being's ability
to rationalize the truth.

Seven, vary your pattern and
stay within your cover.

Eight, any operation can be aborted.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

Nine, technology will
always let you down.

Did you used to have
an Irish Setter?

Captain Sparks?

Gotcha.

- Can I help you?
- You Omega Theta betcha.

I'm Wendy. I'm an Omega from State.
I'm just in town on vacay.

I was hoping to
stay at the house.

That handshake won't work here.

I don't understand.

Here at Reitman we greet our sisters
with hugs. Welcome home, Wendy.

It's drafty in here.
I'll close the door.

[no audio]

Are you ready for
the grand tour?

You couldn't have picked a better time
to visit. We're throwing a huge party.

We have a record number
of houses coming,

making Omega Theta Nu the
social hub of the campus.

- I hope you like to party.
- You know it.

- Hey!
- Are you OK, Wendy?

Yeah, it's a new prescription.
I'm still getting used to it.

- Sorry.
- And you are?

Wendy from State. This is Alley.

- Hi. Nice to meet...
- You go to State?

I know your social
chair from Nationals.

- What's your last name?
- Watson.

But I'm not from this state.

I'm an Omega from the great
state of, uh... Alaska.

- What are you doing here?
- Road trip.

Alley, maybe you could give
Wendy a chance to relax

before inappropriately
grilling her.

Besides, I'd like you to
meet our president, Dana.

Everything OK?

Uh... Could I use the
little Omega Theta's room?

Hey, Bossman, are you there?
It's Wendy.

Moscow Rules. No uncoded
names on an open frequency.

This is the Gatekeeper.
Are you in, Keymaster?

Keymaster here.
What's your status?

My status is I'm in
some deep ectoplasm.

I don't think these
ghosts are ghosts.

There's human versions
of them walking around.

I was just in a room standing next to a
perfectly normal flesh-and-blood coed,

who was talking to me and next to her,
an apparition that looked like her!

- Ghosts of the living!
- Is that one of your snappy exclamations

or are you just defining
what we're up against?

- A little of both.
- What do I do?

I need all your readings and test
results as soon as humanly possible.

- Pardon the bad pun.
- [sighs] Fantastic.

- Hey, guy I don't know.
- Hi, dude with the guitar.

I'm Tyler. Friend of Lacey's.

- Special friend of Lacey's?
- Hoping to be. Got any knowledge?

A special girl. You're gonna have to sleep out
in the rain if that's the way she wants it.

- Percy Sledge. Very nice.
- What can I say? The man knows how to love a woman.

Even Michael Bolton
couldn't ruin that song.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

Guy I don't know is starting to look
like guy I've known my whole life.

OK, I think I've got your
PKE Meter assembled.

Now attach the atrial inhibitor
into the flux valve modulator.

Long pokey thing into the
square stubby thing. Got it.

Let's hunt some ghosts.

- [floor creaking]
- Wait. You hear that?

- Our ghost friends?
- My gut says human.

Never go against your gut, Gatekeeper.
Your gut is your operational...

Oh hey, Alley. Watcha doin'?

Hi. I was just walking by.

That's weird because it sorta
looks like you're eavesdropping.

Does it?

Why are you all up in my
Omega Theta business?

Maybe I don't trust you
are who you say you are.

[electronic beeping]

You gonna check that?

[scoffs]

Oh man. Today officially sucks.

Who's the hottie?

You want to know my business?
Fine.

"Tyler and me playing Stump the
Band with Noser. How cute is he?"

I'm guessing Tyler
is the guy you like.

And the girl in the picture is
my best friend and roommate.

- Ouch.
- It's totally my fault,

because I told her
I didn't like him.

I know I haven't really earned
the right to give advice,

but I am really good at it.

Bizarre love triangles
are, like, my specialty.

My best friend, Erica Maynard, is
ensnared in the middle of this drama

that would blow your mind.

OK.

Uh... So last week I stopped
Lacey, my roommate,

from dating my boss...
...uh, professor.

And you feel like you can't
keep getting in her way?

That's pretty
selfless in theory.

But do you honestly think you can
handle seeing Lacey and Tyler together?

Not in any sane or rational way.

Look, I'm sorry if I came
off harsh before. Truce?

Truce.

You do know the Omega
Theta Nu handshake.

- Of course I do.
- We have to talk.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Eleanor.

Oh, is that someone
calling my name?

- I don't hear anything.
- Yeah, see ya.

Could you excuse me?

[gasping]

I'd like it duly noted

that in an exercise of trust,

I'm following you guys because
you seem to want to communicate.

So please don't abuse that trust
by killing me with my own hair.

So you're all officers.
You're all in the picture.

Um... you're all walking
around downstairs

but your ghosts are all here with me.
Is that what you want me to see?

- [girls silent]
- OK. OK, OK, OK.

Um, OK, uh...

Wait a minute.

You don't want me
to see who's here.

You want me to see
who's not here.

El.. Eleanor? [grunts]

- [muffled] What are you doing?
- [Middlewatch] Alert.

[muffled cries]

Sister Wendy, we are so
excited to welcome you

to the Reitman University
chapter of Omega Theta Nu.

Ladies, OK.

Sisters now We welcome you

- To Omega Theta Nu
- Theta Nu

From where you come
To where you roam

Sisters forever
You're always home

Sisters now We welcome you

- Act like everything is normal.
- What?

This might be our only chance.
They're watching me.

- They don't know the cheer.
- They don't know any cheers.

Or remember traditions.
Not even the handshake.

I wanted to tell you but Eleanor
won't let me be alone with anyone.

The president brought
her in two weeks ago.

Right around the time the whole
executive board started acting weird.

They're acting like
she's in charge.

- Eleanor's behind this. I know she is.
- Behind what?

- [car door slams]
- Hey!

Hey, big bro, what a
pleasant surprise!

Hey, sis. Uh...

Afternoon ladies.

I apologize for the hasty entrance
but Mother, our mother...

Different fathers.

- She had one crazy night in...
- Tijuana.

Tijuana?

Mother asked me to pick you up
to attend to a family emergency.

It was nice of you to rush over from
your job with the campus police.

Yes, of course.
Keeping you safe.

Take back the night.
Come on, sis.

Hurry back, Wendy.
We'll miss you.

- I'm Cuban.
- Campus police?

Why can't you be the
illegitimate, disreputable one?

Man, that Noser guy
is mesmerizing.

He's like a one-man oasis of
Zen in a desert of insanity.

I never thought I could play Stump the
Band without hearing a single song.

So here we are at last.

- Sweet pad.
- Put your walking shoes on, I'll give you the tour. Ready?

Kitchen, dining room, living room, my
room, performance art zone. Ta-da!

Uh-oh. Oh, I knew you
were too good to be true.

I can't even be friends with someone
who likes The Zombies of Mora Tau.

Then it's lucky for me zombies
are more of a Dub-Dub thing.

- What's a Dub-Dub?
- Roommate.

Ah.

Wow. Very nice.

Deja vu.

These are the masher
chumsuckers that attacked you.

- I'll turn it around.
- No, no, no. It's good deja vu.

Instead of memories I get feelings.
And this one is really strong.

And it is helping me remember something
specific. That day at The Booty Chest.

I met an amazing girl...

Well, you already
knew that part.

Yeah, but now I remember
that I wanted to do this.

Eleanor June Draper. Kid's got a record
a mile long. National Merit Scholar.

Recipient of the prestigious Egon Spengler
Memorial Award for Excellence in Physics.

Short listed for the
Ivo Shandor medal.

Fits the evil genius profile.

Fits the Middleman profile.

And we are in the market for someone
who can actually complete a mission.

I was attacked.

With flowers and a song.

Wendy is right. This has all the
tawdry stench of a mad scientist.

It's a rare opportunity to confront
one still in her nascent stage.

That's right. How
do you like me now?

If our theory is correct who knows
what Eleanor is capable of.

Or what else she has planned.

Dubbie, I only
have one question.

How does an evil physics genius
manufacture ghost versions of five women?

How in the eyeglasses of Doctor T. J.
Eckleburg did you manage to break yours

when we so desperately
need confirmation?

Probably tried to smoke 'em.

Moscow Rule number nine. Technology
will always let you down.

We have no way of contacting those
supernatural sorority bippies.

Moscow rule 11, always
keep your options open.

[Louis] I'd better get to
see some boobs out of this.

So, are "they" here?

Oh. Yeah.

OK, ladies. I've brought
an interpreter with me,

so please answer all my
questions clearly and slowly

- and Louis here will translate.
- They say "OK."

So, what the hell happened?

[effeminate voice] We have no idea.
This whole thing is so crazy upsetting.

OK. Uh... So, what's the
last thing you remember

before going all ghosty?

We all got invited to the Beta
Wu Lavender Sweetheart Court.

Which is super weird because...

If you even say it's
because I'm fat...

Nobody thinks you're fat, Nancy.
Hello issues.

I was going to say it's
super weird because

instead of telling us to go
to the fraternity house,

the invite said we should go to the
physics complex across campus.

- You get that, Keymaster? Basement.
- Loud and clear, Gatekeeper.

Double doors, 36 steps
from the elevator.

How in the hell
do you know that?

I like to count things.
It's comforting.

OK, superfreak. And
for the record

you totally called me fat that
time I wore a peasant blouse.

That's because everyone looks
fat in a peasant blouse.

I'm totally sorry I
implied you were fat.

I would never do anything to intentionally
drive you to an eating disorder.

- Really?
- Really.

I love you guys. Group hug?

[regular voice] They're hugging.

Gatekeeper? Gatekeeper!

If you can hear me, I'm looking
at five comatose females

of a decidedly bookish type.

- I resent that.
- Eleanor Draper.

I see that you've met my
friends from the physics dorm.

- Stop right there.
- Don't you want the grand tour before you shoot me?

I know exactly what this is.
A Quantum Processor.

You built this to project the souls of your
friends into the bodies of the Omegas.

I don't get it. You're
obviously brilliant.

Why attack a sorority?

The Omegas are
hedonistic, entitled...

- Wouldn't take you, would they, Eleanor?
- I hate those exclusive sluts!

So I built this machine and selected
the bodies of the five alpha females

to bring down their
organization from within.

The Omegas are throwing a party,

With my friends controlling the
bodies of the executive board,

the party will descend to a level
of drunken carnality and debauchery

that would make Caligula blush.

The university will have no choice
but to shut down the house,

perhaps even the Greek
system, forever.

All of this to take
down a sorority?

My plan is sheer elegance in
it's simplicity, isn't it?

No!

Then try this on for size.

Today Omega Theta Nu.
Tomorrow, the world.

This ends now.

Among other things, my machine runs on a
frequency that blocks all radio communication.

Not to mention the neutering effect
it has on positron glider blasts.

Moscow Rule number nine!

Not all technology.

[machine whirring]

[gasps]

[squealing]

- Boss! You OK?
- Ah. Wendy. Hello.

I've been trying to get a hold of you.
What's going on?

Uh. Everything's under control.
Situation normal.

Really? 'Cause I just ran here in heels
because I thought you were nerd jerky.

Why didn't you answer my calls?

Calls. As in the plural of call.

And heels. As in why does my required
crime-fighting uniform involve heels?

Eleanor's Quantum Processor evidently
jammed all our communication frequency.

It's an impressive
machine on many levels.

- Great. Let's go blow it up.
- Yes. Blow it up. Already done.

It's already done? And Eleanor?

Did her too.

You've really got to work on your
word choices. But I'll bite.

- What did you do to her?
- She's gone.

- Did you send her to Greenland?
- Yeah.

- Our work here is done?
- Mission accomplished.

I should check the girls. They've gotta
be having an Omega Theta meltdown.

Let's give them some time.

They're a little suspicious
of outsiders right now.

Yeah. You're probably right.

- Tyler.
- Wendy of The Smart Car.

Tyler of... Lacey! And Tyler.

You didn't tell me you were
also Dub-Dub of Apartment 6B.

Well, I'm a girl
of many mysteries.

- We're going to the Vegan Palace. Wanna...
- Wow.

Third wheel at a
vegan restaurant?

Now there's a Friday night.

But sadly, no can do.

I've got a hot date with
The Zombies of Mora Tau.

So it's true. Someone in the
world actually likes that movie.

Something against zombie
treasure protectors?

How can any human harvest enjoyment from
those gore-free sorry excuses for zombies?

With a pint of ice cream in one hand
and a can of Reddi-wip in the other.

All that movie did was remind the world
how boring zombie movies were until...

[both] Night of The Living Dead.

Which is why I worship those
gore-free little guys.

Just when I think I can't watch Night
of The Living Dead one more time

I watch Mora Tau and am so
stunned by the sheer awfulness

that I forget Living
Dead ever existed.

Then I pop my old friend into the DVD player.
And it's like seeing it for the first time.

A zombie palate cleanser.
That's pure genius.

- So...
- Right. Dinner.

The lady wants twigs and oats. The
lady shall eat twigs and oats.

- Later, Dub-Dub.
- Later.

Later.

[door shuts]

[growling, commotion on TV]

Great. Now in addition to sucking,
you guys also remind me of Tyler.

Awesome.

[dialing]

I can't believe
it's come to this.

- Hey, Alley?
- Wendy?

I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time,
but I'm in serious need of a talk down.

- Tyler drama?
- Like you wouldn't believe.

What's that noise? It sounds like
Caligula is raging in the living room.

I don't know who Caligula is. But if she's
like a total drunken slut, then yeah.

But I'm all yours. Tyler. Roommate.
Bizarre love triangle. Go.

I thought the party
would be cancelled.

I guess you haven't
talked to your brother.

My brother is at the party?

[people shouting]

Your brother is the party.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Louis! What are you doing here?

I'm being harassed by your boss.
He accosted me in the middle of...

OK, man. Calm down.

He wants me to do
this word for word.

Wendy, this is your boss.

Eleanor has inhabited my body and now
I'm afraid my communication with you

is only possible through
this young vessel.

Oh you gotta be kidding me.

We must act quickly. Now that I've experienced
for myself what Eleanor is capable of,

I fear she may not only be a threat to the
Greek system but to the world at large.

No way. I never trust a
Greek bearing gifts.

I'm not going anywhere until
you prove he's with you.

Boss, if you're floating around somewhere
out there, say something only you know.

Dubbie, I'm afraid I can't divulge sensitive
Middle-secrets through a civilian interpreter.

Let's go.

[dance music plays]

Omega Theta Nu.

You will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy.

Call the campus police.

You want me to call the cops?
No way.

I can't rat out the...

OK. Stop being such
a control freak.

Louis here will call the campus police while
you look around for my body and sedate it.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I'm on Louis' side.

If the cops show up now, Omega gets
their charter revoked and Eleanor wins.

Dubbie, there's too
much at stake.

I'm afraid Omega Theta Nu is a necessary
casualty for the sake of humanity.

This isn't just a house.
It's a home to these girls.

We can't take that
away from them.

Oh man. I really sucked
down the Kool-Aid.

But come on. There's gotta
be another way to stop her.

Great Caesar's Ghost.

Does that mean something to you?

He says you're absolutely right.

We'll use The Bio-Harmonic Universal
Multi Module Emotional Re-Router.

It's in his trunk.

The BUMMER?

[funky music plays]

[laughing loudly]

[electronic tone]

[music changes to
slow, organ music]

[person whimpering]

Stop right there.

Eleanor Draper.

Part of me is impressed you ruined
my party with simple physics.

The other part
will make you pay.

You're the one who's
going to pay.

You're not gonna make me, like,
fight that body, are you?

Relax, boss. I've got this one.

Your party's over, Eleanor.

Now get your little nerd
soul out of my boss' body.

[chuckles]

- I'm bigger than you are.
- True.

But you don't have
Sensei Ping's training.

Muscle memory, bitch.

[man] Fight, fight!

Dubbie, use the three terrors!

Shut up!

[screaming]

[crowd exclaiming]

Ouch!

Hey! You think you're some
hero beating on a girl?

Why don't you take
me on instead?

Uh...

Uh-oh. Omega down.

Hey. You gotta get up. Your
boss is seriously freaking out.

[computer voice]
Autopilot activated.

Now verify an identity.
Identity verified.

- What is your destination?
- Uh... What are my options?

Church, the Creamery, top secret
headquarters, the duck pond.

Top secret headquarters.

Get your filthy frat-boy paws
off my unconscious sister.

Dubbie, my body is
on its way to Ops.

Your body is gonna be on its way to jail
if you don't back it up off my sister.

- Eleanor is on her way to headquarters.
- Pan-Hellenic headquarters?

We have to stop her. She
could destroy the world.

We have to stop her. She could
get Omega's charter revoked.

[breathing fast] Ida,
Ida, please acknowledge.

I'm in the middle of something.

Do not, I repeat, do not, let
our boss inside headquarters.

He's being possessed by Eleanor.

I'm only going to say this once.

Lay off the doobage.

Do you need anything else from me
before I leave for a nice evening

with my husband and children?

No. Leave me. Good night.

Listen to me. That
is not our boss.

No spit, Sherlock. The little mutant's in
Ops right now getting cozy with The HEYDAR.

I'd love to stop her but I can't very well give
the boss' body two in the eyeballs, now can I?

But I will take great
pleasure in knocking her down

with 80 CCs of
sleepy-time juice.

[Middleman] Thanks
for the heads up.

I created a sophisticated
Quantum Processor

using only raw materials
from a public university.

Does it really surprise you that I
hacked into your communication system?

It's over, Eleanor. 'Cause guess what?
You're trapped.

There's no way out of Ops
without passing Ida.

Then I guess I won't
be leaving Ops.

She's activating the panic room
function and overloading the HEYDAR.

She's going to blow the
place to kingdom come.

- [alarm blares]
- [gasps]

That'll teach you to mess
with Eleanor Draper.

In five minutes this place
will be nothing but rubble.

And my soul will automatically
return to my body.

Too bad your boss' hunky flesh has
to be destroyed for that to happen.

Ida? Ida, what's going on?

- [bleeping]
- Eleanor cut us off!

It wasn't Eleanor who
silenced The Middlewatch.

Standard operating procedure dictates
that in case of penetration...

If you have a point I
highly suggest you make it.

Ida ended your transmission.

She is engaging emergency
incursion protocol.

Emergency incursion protocol?

Right now she's crawling through
the air vents, trying to stop her.

So, what do we do?

Shots?

I'm talking to him,
not you, Louis.

God?

We operate under a
communications blackout

until she successfully breaches

the internal section of the...

Dude. Slow down.

Something about Russia, and
Ida getting to his body

while we go the physics building
to reverse the quantum thingy.

What's a quantum thingy?

- [ringing]
- He says that might be Ida on a secure line.

Is that your roommate
and Tyler again?

Lacey is dating Tyler?

I'm sorry. I didn't want
you to find out like this.

I've had about enough of this.
Give me your phone.

- Hey. What are you doing?
- If you won't deal with this...

Hi, Lacey. This is Alley.
I'm one of 's sisters.

- Who?
- Omega Theta Nu sister.

Good lord! Would you
get off the phone?

Wendy is too nice to say anything but I think
you should know she really likes Tyler.

- What?
- And if you were any friend at all you'd back of.

But I asked Wendy. She said...

- Let's go.
- Give me that.

[alarm blaring]

Holy Wachowski Brothers.

How do I reverse it?

You have to trigger a total
protonic reversal by crossing...

- How?!
- Hit the red button.

- That's it?
- Do it!

[machine whirring]

Ida. It's me.

I'm not falling for
that one again.

Mutant.

[alarm stops]

Hello, ladies. Please step
out in an orderly fashion.

And if some of you need a reassuring
hug, know that I'm here for you.

After careful consideration, the sisters of Omega
Theta Nu have decided not to offer you a bid.

Are you gonna shoot her?

That would be my preferred
method of clean-up.

Unfortunately, my boss says it would be a waste
to liquefy a brain with so much potential.

You are gonna love
it in Greenland.

I'm sorry I punched
you in the face.

Your punches were spot on today.
Really spot on.

- But that's not what I wanted...
- I know. I'm avoiding.

But for what it's
worth I'm sorry

about the whole Lacey/Tyler thing.
I know it sucks.

I only care about her happiness.

But more than that,
I care about yours.

If you're carrying an
emotional burden...

It could interfere with the job
and jeopardize both our lives.

...I want to be there
to help you carry it.

Dubbie, you and I are
soldiers in arms.

Our lives are intertwined in a way
that generally only happens in battle.

I think of you as a brother

and in return you should feel
comfortable speaking to me

as if I were one of
your woman friends.

Wow.

That analogy so did not go
where I thought it was going.

But I appreciate the sentiment.

Now here comes the
non-sentimental part.

Lay it on me.

Tyler is in your life now.

No, he's not. He's in Lacey's.

And yours by association.

Tyler was a recruit
of this organization

and I'll admit his personal involvement
in your life makes me nervous.

Your mission is to keep
a watchful eye on him.

If he ever shows signs that his amnesia
is lifting I need to know about it.

Now, I know what I'm
asking isn't easy.

But you can talk to
me about it any time.

No avoiding. No
work emergencies.

We're gonna sit down and talk this out
like the well-adjusted mature adults

I know are in here somewhere.

- Tyler and I broke up.
- What? Lace, no.

He's such a great guy.

And I promise that my
personal feelings for him

won't deter me from feigning
enthusiasm over your budding romance

or even keep me from serving as your
occasional third wheel at The Vegan Palace.

You would do that for me?

Might have taken it too
far with the vegan thing.

But the other stuff...
You're my best friend.

I want you to be happy.

Then I guess it's a shame I don't
even have any feelings for him.

- Is that a lie?
- You bet it is.

We're ridiculous.

That's just what maladjusted yet intensely
loyal friends do for one another.

And for the record, Tyler and I
both decided it wasn't working.

There was just no spark.

You know? Whereas you and him...

I mean, this guy is like your
extra-curricular activity soulmate.

You think?

He couldn't stop talking
about you at dinner.

You might be one of my top five favorite
topics of conversation but not on a date.

[sighs] It's OK.

You remember that
speech you just gave me

about putting all your
personal feelings aside?

I don't remember all the words
but it was very lovely.

Just pretend I'm saying
that back to you.

I think you're amazing.

But I can't date Tyler.

For a lot of reasons.

Dub-Dub, if you don't go
get your man right now,

I swear this'll be the last noble act
of self-sacrifice you ever see from me.

- I don't think the guy you're looking for is home.
- I'm looking for you.

Then I'm sure he's not home.

Is that a Booty Chest bag?

Um... Don't judge me.

But after the whole vegan experience I
was in desperate need of some animal.

- They do actually have good wings.
- No judgment.

I also needed a place to
sit and clear my head.

- At a pirate-themed sports bar with scantily-clad waitresses?
- You're judging.

All day long something
didn't feel quite right.

So I wanted to go back to the scene of the
crime. See if it jogged some memories.

- And did it?
- I still don't remember a damn thing.

But while I was mowing on my wings I
got to talking to one of the busboys.

And it turns out that
while I was there

I didn't just meet a
waitress at The Booty Chest.

I also met a girl pretending to
be a waitress at The Booty Chest.

- Oh yeah?
- It was you, wasn't it?

So you're Wendy
of the Smart Car.

Dub-Dub of 6B. And the
imposter of The Booty Chest.

I'm also the sorry sack with
the busted Hruck Bugbear.

We met twice that day.

You know those vague giddy
deja vu feelings I was having?

Yeah.

They're kinda
not-so-vague anymore.

Oh yeah?

- You're not a vegan, are you?
- No.

- Good. Because I've got this bag of wings.
- I'm listening.

And I picked up a copy of The Zombies
of Mora Tau on the way home.

If you like gore-free
zombie treasure protectors.

Someone told me they make an
excellent zombie palate cleanser.

That someone sounds pretty cool.

I think she might be.

[♪ Camphor: The Sweetest Tooth]

♪ Pickaxe syntax chipping
at the sweetest tooth ♪