All language subtitles for The Middleman S01E02 The Accidental Occidental Conception 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track4_[eng]

♪ ♪

Previously on The Middleman:

Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm going
to have to ask you to move aside.

[growling]

- The human.
- This weird temp agency called.

The Jolly Fats
Weehauken Temp Agency?

Is this the part I ask you who the
hell you are and what the hell you do?

You know how in comic books there's
all kinds of mad scientists,

aliens and androids and monsters

and all of them want to either
destroy or take over the world?

- In comic books.
- It really does work like that.

Don't you want to fight evil?

Monsters, robots and aliens?

- Yeah, why not?
- Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.

- Lacey Thornfield. Charmed.
- Delighted, ma'am.

- I'm a conceptual artist.
- Some have said that about me, too.

I heard you take care
of exotic problems.

I'm just the middleman.

[siren whoop]

No one is more firmly rooted on
the side of justice than I am.

You might find this
hard to believe,

but I too fight for the truth and
preservation of American values

in a concerned
citizen kind of way.

I'm just sayin', one
crime-hating gal to another.

Can't we just make these
charges disappear?

Your roommate was arrested
for indecent exposure

- in a sushi restaurant.
- As a form of protest.

It was like a free
speech thing, with skin.

Oh, come on. Indecent
exposure is a misdemeanor.

Her third one in the
past six months.

Yo, Wendy Watson, I'm double parked.
Have you got the goods yet?

I don't know. Have I
got the goods yet?

Just sign.

I'm releasing her to your care.
That makes you responsible.

- You won't regret this.
- [scoffs] You might.

[door buzzes]

Hey, guys! Did you miss me?

The sushi eaters hear you roar?

- They certainly know I am woman.
- Right on.

Thanks for springing
me, Dub-Dub.

Hey, why is there
no hugging back?

There's hugging back. It's just
accompanied by exhaustion.

And confusion.

- Indecent exposure at a sushi restaurant?
- Yep.

Mercury in tuna kills humans
and sushi eaters kill fish,

so no matter where you serve it,

how you serve it,
spicy tuna kills.

Now connect the dots
to public nudity.

Girl's got to fight the power.

Girl's gotta remember
she's not 18 anymore.

This isn't the campus police.

I spent a couple of
hours in the slammer.

Yeah, I dragged myself out
of bed to talk your way out.

Wendy, I'm a confrontational...

Spoken word performance artist.
I know.

I don't complain when you
stay up late to paint.

Yeah, because when I paint, you
don't have to grease the cops.

Maybe you should
find a better way

to make a statement than
these pointless pranks.

Pointless?

[sighs] You have no idea what it takes
to save the world, Wendy Watson.

Too harsh? Yeah.

[sighs]

♪ Middleman ♪

[door slides open]

Find what you're looking for?

If I needed to kill a man by
scrambling his molecular structure,

yes, but since what I really
want is a cup of coffee...

- Hmm.
- Hey!

Bloodshot eyes,
fatigue, crankiness.

Someone spent all night
sucking on a spliff.

No. Somebody was up late bailing
your roomie out of the slammer.

If that somebody was you, then that
makes Lacey the roommate in question.

Gosh, Sparky, did your fancy
computer tell you that?

- Is she OK?
- I don't know.

I wish I thought to ask.

Instead I just launched
on some tirade

about responsibility
and growing up.

And if we're gonna get into this,
I really need a double black-eye.

Caffeine is a drug, Dubbie.

I'm holding the
molecular stun cannon.

Ida.

[Wendy] Sweet.

Can that thing do a muffin?

Oh, don't push
your luck, junkie.

I like watching you
get the shakes.

Lacey was just doing
her protest thing.

Her heart's in the right place,

just... I wanted
to be supportive.

But when I opened my
mouth, my mom came out.

No, seriously. I might have
even said to buy a nice bag,

high heels, a push-up bra
and get herself a man.

- She's from Miami.
- Ah.

You'll make it up to her.

Not unless we have
some alien weapon

that shoots the
mercury off fish.

I was thinking more of a
sparkly card or a makeover.

Or we could use our computers

to hack into the
police mainframe

and erase her permanent record.

Katie-bar-the-door, Dubbie.

We do not use our resources
to solve personal issues.

Oh, come on. I bet Ida's
just a doubleclick away

from making her permanent
record go bye-bye.

I'm a doubleclick away from
making something go bye-bye.

[telephone rings]

Oh, come on, why not?

Our mandate is to protect
the people from threats

infra, extra, and
juxta-terrestrial,

not to become consumed with the
mundane problems of everyday life.

Just this one time?

You let yourself become
distracted, next thing you know

a geological rift opens and the
city's overrun by three-toed hominids

who battled man for dominance

while you've got your
tighty-whiteys around your ankles.

That happened to you, didn't it?

Anybody want to
get to work here?

'Cause we got hot donuts now.

- Maybe you should sit this one out.
- What? Why?

Underslept. Overcaffeinated.
Distracted.

I'm as serious as a Hefty
bag full of rottweilers.

A Middleman must remain
focused at all times.

I said I'm good.

Apparently there's
been a mudslide.

What's so weird about that?

Inside a Chinese restaurant.

I'm sorry, but this
is a sealed area.

- We're waiting for the coroner.
- The coroner?

Oh.

I'm Dr. Kynes, this is Dr.
Rabban

from the Ecological Task Force.

We think global
warming is to blame.

- Al Gore just ain't whistling Dixie.
- No, sir, he isn't.

- Were there any witnesses?
- Uh, just a busboy, he's in the back.

Why don't you go get him while
we investigate the site?

OK.

So, when do I get one of those?

Try using your eyes.
See anything?

Aside from the
half-buried corpse?

Focus, Dubbie.

Don't let the 'feine
deaden your senses.

The 'feine?

Well, I see nothing.

Which is something because
there should be a statue

of a terra cotta warrior
on this pedestal.

Good. Make a note.

I need Ida to tap CHAD for any
information on our warrior.

- CHAD?
- Chinese Historical Art Database.

Or I could tell you that
our statue is a general

in the terra cotta army commissioned
by the emperor of the Qin Dynasty

and buried with him in 209 BC.

Color me impressed.

Color me focused.

I heard an awful sound,

so I ran out from the kitchen

and a huge wall of mud
just came out of nowhere,

overrunning everything
in the place.

And that's your boss?

- Mr. Hsu.
- What can you tell us about him?

He was your typical
small business owner.

Driven, hard-working, freakish
obsession with that warrior statue.

- Can you expand on that?
- Long hours.

Impeccable work ethic. I
think it's a cultural thing.

I meant the freakish obsession.

Oh. Well, he mortgaged the place

to bring the terra cotta
warrior over from China.

Then he spent all hours of
the night burning candles

- and chanting in Mandarin.
- What did he say?

Dude, I'm like third
generation twice-removed.

I don't speak a lick of Chinese,

but it sounded like
[speaks in Mandarin]

"Rise, be flesh, and
walk the Earth."

Could global warming
make that happen?

- Yes.
- Yes.

What are your thoughts
on how to handle this?

Are you quizzing me because
you think I'm not focused?

I'm quizzing you because I have no
thoughts on how to handle this.

You're at a loss? [scoffs]
That's a new one.

You might find what I'm
about to tell you shocking,

given my knowledge of aliens,
monsters and androids,

but I do have one
area of weakness.

- Brevity?
- Magic. The supernatural.

The dark arts.
Things that go bump.

Anathema.

We'll need to consult someone.

- Who?
- Our consultant, of course.

You are off today.

[scoffs]

Hate it, hate it, hate it.

It's a disaster of
unmitigated proportions.

They look like the
"Addicted to Love" girls.

Roxy, this was your concept.

[deep voice] It stinks! [growls]

All right, boss,
we'll tear it down.

The devil actually
does wear Prada.

That's no devil.
That's a succubus.

You, get over to the hair, now!
To the models.

You stay here with Trevor because
certainly he is incompetent.

- Should I kill it?
- Stay your weapon, Dubbie.

Roxy Wasserman is
completely reformed.

Opened this place as a halfway
house for other reformed succubi.

Gives them a chance to get out of the
killing field and onto their feet.

This place is a halfway house
for soul-sucking demons

who sneak up on defenseless men
and seduce them in their sleep?

Also a halfway house for
soul-sucking demons

who sneak up on
defenseless women

and seduce them in their sleep.
MM, darling, give me kisses.

We're in a pantload
of trouble, Rox.

It looks like you're wearing
Hitler's smoking jacket

- and it looks even worse on a girl.
- I know!

We didn't come for
the fashion advice.

We're in need of
supernatural consultation.

My normal fee? Step
into my office.

A Chinese warrior, you say.

Trevor!

I'm going to guess it was
a terra cotta warrior.

Buried with the emperor of
the Qin Dynasty in 209.

We already got that
from the placemat.

If you knew anything at all you
wouldn't be standing in my office.

You'd be running for the hills.
Trevor, come in and meet our guests.

Watch your mouth with this one.

Trevor here is just
barely reformed.

You know Trevor used to sneak
up on poor, unsuspecting women

in their sleep and do unspeakable
things to them with his cold, icy...

Hands.

Thank you. What can
I do for you, Roxy?

They have an Earth
Elemental on their hands.

- Mmm, nasty.
- Start gathering the items listed on page 47.

An Earth Elemental?

Spirit that draws its
power from living earth.

Can manipulate or control
anything made of earth.

Hence your mudslide
inside a restaurant.

So he's like the Magneto of mud?

Grapes of wrath, Dubbie.
Do you have any idea

how much of the earth
is made up of... earth?

Himself included. He
can take any form

as long as it's made of earth.

And hide anywhere.

Gobsmack it, this is
why I hate magic.

Oh, don't make such a fuss.

Water beats earth, MM.

I'll make you a vial
of aquatic banishment.

You throw it at him and poof!
No more warrior.

But the recipe is delicate.
I will need some time.

So we just hang out here?

No. You must stop the warrior
from completing its mission.

- Which is?
- Legend says the terra cotta warriors

were created to have a fanatical
devotion to the emperor.

Believed the world would end
with the death of their liege.

If this one truly
walks the earth,

he will make it his mission to find the
last living heir to the Qin Dynasty

- and take him to the land of the dead.
- That's it?

Well, that doesn't
sound so scary.

And release a hail of fire that will
rain down on Earth for a thousand years.

Oh.

Aw, phooey.

We get to your place, go inside and
pack a bag. I'll wait outside.

Why do I need to pack a bag?

- Look over there.
- What?

- [syringe hisses]
- Ow!

Those are your State Department-recommended
inoculations for China.

A healthy dose of distraction
would help the medicine go down.

- We're going to China?
- As soon as Ida gives us

the coordinates for the heir.

Let's hope it takes Mudman
a good amount of time

to figure out transcontinental
travel and passport control.

Why can't the Chinese Middleman
just take over the case?

Don't be ridiculous. China
is a Communist country.

A hero would be reduced to
the level of the common man.

I'm the only Middleman,
and you're the only...

- Sidekick?
- Right.

Just you and me against all
the bad things out there.

That's all that separates the planet
from a thousand years of fire.

I hear you.

And keep an eye on yourself.

The vaccinations may cause drowsiness,
paranoia, and atypically vivid daydreams.

- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.

What are you gonna do
with the light fandango?

Not gonna let it distract
me from saving the world.

Wanna do cartwheels
'cross the floor?

Nope, I'm a guided
missile of purpose.

That truth is plain to see.

Oh, hang on. She just walked in.

It's your mom.

And she agrees that tuna kills.

Mom, hey. Can I call you later?

Yes, mother. It is shocking
how much mercury is in fish.

You're right. It's very important
to get the message out.

- Know where my puffy coat is?
- I borrowed it.

Yes, I know I was cranky. Did she tell
you that I bailed her out at 3:00 AM?

I'm still in the room.

After the longest
day at work ever.

What's with the repo, man?

I'm going out of
town for a few days.

Hey, Mom. I gotta go. I'm doing
a job for Roxy Wasserman.

And I sorta owe Lacey an apology for
last night so... OK, love you too.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I was really tired last night and... I
probably should've been a little more patient

I mean about working
for Roxy Wasserman.

Roxy Wasserman is single-handedly
keeping fur in style.

Do you have any idea how many
animals die to make her clothes?

I've got a good mind to march down there right
now and spray the place with fake blood.

Lacey, no.

Famouse is not the sort of place
where you want to commit a felony.

Roxy Wasserman takes fashion
seriously, really seriously.

And I take animals seriously.
really seriously.

Please don't go down there.

That place, it's...
it's not human.

At least we agree on that.

I don't know how
else to say this.

Just don't. I work with Roxy...

Relax, Captain Day Job. I won't
tell anyone we're friends.

I won't call you
from jail either.

That's not what I mean, Lacey.

Wait.

[bleeping]

[exhales]

Do you guys know
where the furs are?

Hate it, hate it so much I
want to gouge my eyes out,

hate it so much I want
to gouge you eyes out.

Oh, good lord!

I ask for modern. I ask for
hip and what do I get?

What exactly is this? It's
like somebody's nightmare.

My label goes on
these rags, people.

Tell me how to fix it!

How about a fur coat?

Who said that?

Uh...

What is your name?

Um... Uh... Lacey Thornfield.

Um... Uh... Lacey Thornfield.

You're adorable.

Now tell me, do I look
like Margaret Thatcher?

A fur coat at a summer shoot?
Shut your eyes! Shut them!

Ignore every stupid
thought of conformity

in that tiny little
brain of yours

and I want you to visualize like as if your
life depends on your ability to accessorize.

Don't think! Imagine.

Pink tulle fairy skirt with rhinestone
embellished gold lamé waist belt

and matching unicorn headdress?

What did you say?

I'm not sure, ma'am.

Brilliant. Absolutely
transcendent.

You're like Karl
Lagerfeld with breasts.

You heard her, people. Fairy
Skirt and headdress! Go! Go!

[sighs]

Lacey Thornfield, you just landed
yourself a new job as my assistant.

But you already
have an assistant.

Betty, you're fired!

Stand by me, darling.

Not too close. Back up. Yes.

More horsey, more horsey.

And tighter, tighter horsey.
There we are.

- [phone ringing]
- Come on, Lacey. Pick up. Pick up.

- Pick up!
- Turn that thing off.

There's no way my cell phone interferes
with that thing's frequency.

I'm talking about your mouth.

Lay off, Threepio. I've got
a serious problem here.

We are in the middle of an operation.
How close are we?

- Finishing the STORC search.
- Sperm Tracker Operations and Reconnaissance Commander.

I'll have a location
in 40 seconds.

Dubbie, you have 40 seconds
to talk this out. Go.

Uh, well, Lacey's been mad at me before,
but she's never ignored my calls.

I thought you solved
your female problems.

I don't think female problems means
what you think it means, but no.

Now, it's even worse.

Because of me, Lacey went to Famouse
to sling fake blood at the fur line.

You have to admire
her enthusiasm.

It's not a joke. She
could get arrested.

Again. Or worse.

Those succubi are
completely reformed.

As for the arresting, she's an adult.
She'll handle it.

She's like half an adult.

- [ding]
- Hey! I've got an heir lock.

You need to trust Lacey.

Let me just try her
one more time.

And right now, I
need to trust you.

[phone ringing, clicks off]

His name's Duncan.

The name of the heir to the
Qin Dynasty is... Duncan?

So where's the next
Emperor to China?

What is the heir to the Qin Dynasty
doing in a school in the suburbs?

Physical education by the
looks of his schedule.

Can't believe you gave me
that shot for nothing.

You're not experiencing side
effects, are you? Drowsiness?

- Vivid daydreams?
- Annoyance?

Let's go find his majesty before
that Terracotta Warrior shows up.

That mud-molding demon
could be anywhere.

...fifty daffodils to Shaddam
at the House of Corrino

and, oh, and I have people
working on a water elemental.

Is that a fashion thing?

Do I pay you to ask questions?

Supposed to get a drop of water from each of the
seven seas and a hair from a water buffalo.

Go down there and find out
how far they've come.

I already have the sea water
and hair of water buffalo.

Hair of water buffalo? What
kind of design is this?

One that will prevent fire from raining
on earth for a thousand years.

Someone thinks a little
too highly of her job.

So all that remains is 30 bottles of
Tahiti Water. That's yours, Lacey.

Tahiti Water? That stuff is
terrible for the environment.

It's the only water in the world
with the mineral content I need.

Don't you care about
your carbon footprint?

Is it like the footprint I'm going to
leave on your young, arrogant derriere

if you don't do
exactly as I say?

[sighs] Why is she so mean?

See the way she looked at me? I
thought she was gonna kill me.

I doubt it. Roxy hasn't
killed since the early 80s.

[stops laughing, clears throat]

- I'm Lacey.
- Trevor.

- You're different than the assistants Roxy usually hires.
- 'Cause I have a soul.

Really?

Shocking. I know.

I want this job for one reason. I
want to see where they keep the furs.

- You like fur?
- I have a thing for fur.

Make Roxy Wasserman happy and
you might just get your wish.

Keep a watchful eye
for our Warrior.

Yes. Because he can control
the very earth with his mind,

and there's earth everywhere
on the Earth, I get it.

You underestimate the
enemy at our peril.

We're in a public school, there's
no earth here, just blacktop.

Which one looks like the heir to a
royal dynasty from the far east?

Allow me.

Red rover, red rover,
send Duncan right over!

He's the heir to
the Qin Dynasty?

Hands Across America,
that's unexpected.

[loud wind-like roaring]

Terracotta roof!

[roaring continues]

OK, MM, I defer to you on this
one 'cause I got nothing.

[groaning]

Duck and cover, Dubbie.

Roxy said only the Vial of Aquatic
Banishment can kill this dude!

You may want to come with us.

[roaring]

There are just way too many
copies of Terminator out there.

[grunts]

OK. Let's go!

We don't have a lot of time.
I must be blunt.

That warrior wants to serve you up as a
ritualistic sacrifice to the underworld

because you're the heir
to the Qin Dynasty.

We'll either be destroying the
Warrior with a supernatural weapon

or delivering you to an international
safehouse where you'll assume a new identity.

How are you with
foreign languages?

- [bleeping]
- That's our supernatural consultant. Excuse me.

Roxy? It's The Middleman. In a bit of a
sticky widget so let me get right to it.

- Is he some kind of superhero?
- Something like that.

And what are you?

Ever hear of Robin
the Boy Wonder?

He sucks.

So you didn't know you're the
heir to the Qin Dynasty?

Roxy just finished the Vial of Aquatic
Banishment. What's your address?

Uh... 1965 Caladan Lane.

You smoking terracotta? We can't take him
home. The Warrior will track him there.

Elemental my dear Watson.
Right into our trap.

1965 Caladan Lane, Roxy.
And make it snappy.

We can't let the
Warrior beat us there.

What in the gosh darn heck?

Can you give me just one second?

Lacey, what are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed
to be in China?

We had a change of plans.
I've been trying to call you.

Sorry. I've been too busy
to take personal calls.

Roxy Wasserman hand picked
me to be her assistant.

Apparently I'm Karl
Lagerfield with breasts.

She sent me here to
deliver this bag.

What? But you despise Roxy Wasserman
and everything she stands for.

I thought you'd be
glad I got a job.

You're the one that
told me to grow up.

Hello, Lacey.

Hi, Wendy's boss.

You have something for me.

This is for you?

Ah, my toner, wonderful. You can
never be too kind to your skin.

It is, after all, the largest and
most sensitive of the body's organs.

I got the Tahiti
Water for it myself.

Tahiti Water? You have fundamental
issues with bottled water.

My skin thanks you
kindly, Lacey.

As do I. I hate to delay
you any longer, Lacey.

I'm sure Ms. Wasserman must be eager
to get you back at the office.

Right. Job. Right.

Bye bye, Wendy's boss.

They took her soul.

I told you, those succubi are...

Her metaphorical soul.

what is she doing working
for a furmonger?

This development is upsetting
but I must remind you to...

Delay any emotional reaction until we've
safely delivered the Earth from peril.

I got it without the lecture.

I'll grab the heir.

You think our son is the heir to
an ancient line of Chinese rulers?

And is currently being hunted by a
military Zealot born of clay made flesh

and bent on taking him
to the Underworld, yes.

There's obviously
been a huge mistake.

That thing came after me, Dad. It would have
killed me if this guy didn't go T-2 on his ass.

Don't say "ass" in
front of company.

Say "ass" all you want, Duncan.
Our company was just leaving.

Honey, maybe we should listen
to what they have to say.

But this is insane. Isn't it?

Jessica?

Duncan, you know how Mommy sometimes
takes long international business trips?

Yeah.

Well, sometimes
Mommy gets lonely.

And one time she drank
a lot of plum wine

during her trip to Shanghai.

Oh, no she didn't.

Tell me she didn't.

Sometimes her husband forgets how
to make her feel attractive.

[door shuts]

Now that we've settled the boy's lineage
let's move on to more pressing matters.

The Boy Scouts called. they want their
family counseling Merit Badge back.

Would you excuse me?

Dad? I'm being hunted!

- [door shuts]
- [sighs] I am gonna need so much therapy.

Hey. I know this Dad stuff
is a lot to handle.

Is that your job?
To talk me down?

Well, I understand where
you're coming from.

My Dad disappeared
when I was 14.

I don't know if he abandoned
me or if he's dead.

- That sucks.
- Totally.

But I get what it's like to have a
lot of questions about your Dad.

I'm gonna make sure you
live to get yours answered.

[rumbling]

[speak Chinese language]

He's just ordered us
to give him the heir.

[speaks Chinese language]

- I told him it's not going to happen.
- Just throw it.

Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt.

[gasps]

[groans]

Shouldn't he be
melting or something?

It'll be a cold day in hell before I
destroy the Earth with bottled water.

Like anyone's gonna
know the difference.

I just had an atypically
vivid daydream.

[groaning]

Duncan! Duncan!

[breathing heavy]
Where's our son?

[bleeping]

Roxy Wasserman. MM, darling,
how much do you love me?

Did you get a direct hit?

Did the Terracotta Warrior
die magnificently?

What? Where are you now?

On our way. Should be there in... one
minute 54 seconds, give or take.

- Garbage truck!
- [tires screech]

Seatbelt please. The life
you save may be your own.

Yes, Roxy, I'm looking
forward to seeing you too.

OK, buh bye.

"Buh bye?" A boy taken from his parents and a
thousand years of fire and that's all you got?

I see no need to forgo simple courtesy, and
it doesn't seem to be raining fire yet.

One of those rare times I'm thankful the
road to the underworld is long, burdensome.

Does she know it's
Lacey's fault?

Now is not the time
to cast blame.

It's not even Lacey's fault.
It's mine.

For driving her into that den
of fur, succubus, and anorexia.

We can talk about it after we've
liberated the world from certain doom.

- Stop doing that.
- What?

"Don't talk until the
world is undoomed.

You can't cry until you've reached
the international safehouse.

You have 40 seconds to
save your friendship."

- These rules exist for a reason.
- Why?

I don't have time to
explain right now.

Everything's under control, darlings. We're
whipping up a new Vial of Aquatic Banishment.

It was all the fault of that vapid
and useless new assistant of mine.

Hey. That's my roommate
you're talking about.

Wait. Where is she?

Gone.

Good. Wait. Gone where?
You didn't...?

She's been dealt with.

Define "dealt with."

Wendy. Roxy would never...

I said "define dealt with."

Your sidekicks's got spunk, MM.

Relax, sidekick.

I fired her. See, everyone's a winner.
Shall we get to business?

[sighs]

The Warrior will take the old road to the
underworld. It's long and inefficient.

Stupid ancients and their
mistrust of modern technology.

Still time to cut him
off on the road?

If you're up for battling unspeakable
horrors that no mortal has ever survived,

then by all means, cut
him off on the road.

You should hold all questions until
the end of the demonstration.

The new route was created this century.
It's modern, comfortable,

and most important... direct.

- Then that means...
- Yes.

- Means what?
- You know the danger.

- It has to be done.
- What has to be done?

Your sidekick will be a hindrance.
You must go alone.

- Go where?
- I can't go alone.

Somebody has to hold the
Vial of Aquatic Banishment.

Yes. Your hands will be
full with the Scythe.

What Scythe?

- The Scythe of Muadru.
- That's the question you answer?

She can handle it. I have
the utmost faith in her.

- She's like her roommate.
- I take that as a compliment.

- Vapid and useless.
- Am not.

See. There. It's settled.
She's going.

Going where?!

All Succubi report to your stations. We're
opening the door to the underworld.

[laughs maniacally]

Lacey! Lacey! Wait! Are you OK?

I can't believe Roxy Wasserman canned
me for trying to save the environment.

It's her loss.

I'm so mad at myself!

Why'd I have to pull that
stunt with the water?

So much I wanted to
accomplish here.

Anything I can do
to cheer you up?

No.

I need my Dub Dub.

What's that?

It's my best friend.

Who I'm sort of fighting
with right now.

She's kind of always there to bail me out.
Sometimes literally.

Are you sure there's
nothing I can do?

Actually, I can think of one thing that
would make me feel a whole lot better.

The Scythe of Muadru allows the
living to navigate the Underworld.

If I let go for a second, we'll
be stuck there for eternity.

Which is why your job
is so important.

Hold the little girly bottle.
Hand it to you when you need it.

I got it the first three times.

My redundancy is only a reflection of
the importance of this assignment.

The Underworld is
full of temptations,

personal and emotional enticements that
would tax the strongest of mortals.

You think I can't handle it?

- I think...
- I know what you think. Been hearing it all day.

"Saving the world
requires focus."

Look, I'm a multitasker.

Ability to defeat evil and deal
with emo at the same time.

It's like my superpower.

Personally, I've never had emo that
didn't interfere with the job.

I find that hard to believe.

I mean, that you've
ever had emo.

Ann Arbor High School, 1991.

Oh, jeez. Way to reach
for a recent example.

Fred Butler was a quarterback
with a bright future.

Big Ten scouts were coming to watch him
play. He was running a play against Adrian.

Game was in the bag.

One of his line men couldn't
wait to run off the field.

That was you, right?

I had a gal cheering
for me in the stands.

Before the game she'd
given me a mix tape.

Is "mix tape" a euphemism for...

No. The play was called,
the ball was snapped.

All I could think about was
that Bryan Adams song,

how much I loved the girl
who'd given me that tape.

That's, uh... kinda
sweet I guess.

No, Dubbie. It was pathetic.

Your words. Not mine.

Fred was my man and I was
supposed to have his back.

But instead, I'm whistling that
stupid song from Robin Hood.

The next thing I heard was the sickening
wet crunch when his knee hit the turf.

Fred had three operations before we graduated
high school, but he never played again.

You can't be sure
that was your fault.

No. But I am sure I could
have prevented it.

Life sometimes scatters you.
It happens.

Not since then. And not for us.

I will always give
you 100 percent.

I hope I can expect
the same in return.

The Underworld awaits.

[drums pounding]

Powers of the world beneath,
spirits of the dead,

powers of the planes beyond,

spirits of the restless, grant
us passage through your realms!

Grant us strength
in our journey!

grant us courage
in this travail,

grant us speed in our crossing,

grant us fortune in our quest.

Open the door!

Open the door!

Open the door!

[lounge music playing]

This is the underworld?

Horrifying, isn't it?

So all those temp jobs
really were hell on earth.

What do you mean?

It was a joke.

You know, because this is
supposed to be the Underworld

but instead, it looks just like
a boring old office building.

Sands of Zanzibar! You
see an office building?

Yeah. You don't?

I see a field. Wild.

Overgrown. Barbaric.

Look over there. A feral rabbit.

Seriously?

No. I see an office building.

Wow. Somebody's funny
in the Underworld.

Which way?

I'm not sure. We'll have to
ask at the information desk.

What's in all those files?

- Heard of The Book of The Dead?
- Sure.

That was version 1.0.

Now the dead are catalogued in
a proprietary system of files.

Much like our own
Dewey Decimal System.

There's a record of
everyone who's ever died?

For being an infinitely massive
vale of shadows and mystery,

this place is surprisingly
well-organized.

Dangnabit. Service down
here has gone to pot.

[clears throat]

[continues ringing bell]

Have you been helped?

- Oh, you're alive.
- Yes. And hoping to stay that way.

We're looking for a Terracotta
Warrior and his boy hostage.

I hate the living.

And we'll be skedaddling
out of your way posthaste

but not until we resolve some unfinished
business with our warrior friend.

You just missed him.
Thousand Years of Fire Room.

Guns of Navarone! How
did he beat us here?

Upstairs. End of the hall.

Better hurry.

Let's roll, Dubbie.

I need you to look
someone up for me.

His name is Peter Watson.
My Dad.

Peter Watson? Sure.
Piece of cake.

Or maybe you'd like me to
find a specific Joe Smith.

That's not at all inconvenient.

[man shouting in
Chinese language]

I know Watson is an
annoyingly common name.

OK, believe me. It's my cross to bear too.
But please.

Look, I know you're dead.

Or something, so you probably
don't even have emotions.

But please try to understand.

I was 14 when my
father disappeared.

I've spent my entire life
wondering if he's still alive.

This is my Holy Grail.

This is my Rosebud. This is...

Not working on me, hon.

[shouting in Chinese continues]

Oh.

Can't kill the dead, can I?

No. But you're funny.

Oh, what the hell. What
was the name again?

Peter Watson.

Was he by any chance
with the Luftwaffe?

No. Uh, he flew a DC-3.
Fixed wing. American.

OK.

Dubbie! Now! The Vial!

- [man groaning]
- Dubbie?

OK, here we go.

- You found it?
- I found the right year. I'm close.

[Middleman] Wendy!

Wendy!

Wendy!

I think I have your answer.

Where the hell did she go?

Watson, I need you!

- I'm sorry. I was...
- Let's go! Move!

Come on!

Don't look back!

Now!

Coming now, come on!

Throw it!

She's gonna blow!

[drums pounding]

I don't know about you, but
I need some chocolate.

I said chocolate, people!
The good stuff.

- I want my Dad.
- I hear ya.

- So.
- Yeah.

Do we need to post-mortem?

It may have an unfortunate
double meaning

but I assure you I mean it solely
in the recap sense of the word.

You were right. I let personal
stuff get in the way.

Wendy, it's one thing to set aside
a fight with your roommate,

but some things walk beside
you your whole life.

The world could have ended.

But it didn't. You came through in the end.
That's all that matters.

So what now?

It looks like we have all
the time in the world

if you'd like to have some
kind of emotional breakdown.

Kinda numb right now.

But I appreciate the offer.

You know, all this
Middleman stuff.

I think my dad would
have been proud.

Maybe he still is.

I didn't think I'd hear
myself say this, Trevor,

but I really love these furs.

It's just so great we're
getting to keep so many.

Thanks for helping me carry them out.
I don't know how...

He sucked her soul out!
Son of a bitch!

Wendy? What are you doing?

Uh... I got these for you.

To apologize.

And to tell you how much
I admire your soul.

[alternative rock music playing]

Maybe I should give
you girls a minute.

Are those really for me?

Uh, No.

They were kinda sorta to
smash Trevor over the head

for luring you into a
soulless life of fur-wearing

because that's totally not
who you are in any way.

You'd do that for me?

I am your best friend.

A girl could go to prison
for braining a guy.

I know, I just get so mad

when I see people doing the wrong
thing I have to take a stand.

I just wish my best friend
would understand that.

That's why I love you.

Ladies.

OK.

Why are homeless men
walking around in mink?

I have to show you something.

When Roxy Wasserman
offered me a job,

I figured all I had to do was
hang in there long enough

to get to the fur room and
go all Carrie Prom Night II.

but after Trevor finally
got me into the fur room

I started thinking about
everything you said.

And I thought, WWWWD.

WWWWD.

What would Wendy Watson do?

The minks already lost their lives.
I can't do anything about that.

But I can make sure their ultimate
sacrifice is used for good, not evil.

You still committed grand larceny.
You stole all those furs.

- I talked Roxy into donating them.
- You did?

She was so busy she barely noticed
I was still in the building.

She told me to take the furs because
the world's going to hell anyway.

Oh, Lacey, that is so...

- Mature?
- ...awesome.

I know, right?