All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E10.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE[EZTVx.to]

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

Thanks for bringing us
to your company picnic, peter.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Yeah, I figured it's
finally time you guys put faces

To the people I've been bitching
about for the past eight years.

Oop, there's charity 5k guy.

Let's run lupus
out of town, huh, guys?

I work with peter now.

There's the guy who started
after me, and was beneath me,

But now he's, like,
higher up than I am.

-Hey, bob.
-Hey, darren.

Thank you all for coming
to today's picnic.

Now, for our main event:
The aerial ovum transfer,

Or, as it's sometimes known,
the egg toss.

This year, as a special prize,

The winning team
will receive a five-night stay

At my vacation home
in mooseattackee, maine.

With miles of trails,
it is one of maine's

Premiere hiking destinations.

And you're only
a short bike ride away

From its quaint downtown.

Let your cares melt away as you
paddle across serene lake June.

Peter, that place
in maine is amazing.

It looks
like a stephen king book

Before anything bad happens.

Hi, gary, how's it going?
How's brenda?

Oh, she's great.
Uh, just alive, super alive.

-How are the boys?
-Yep, all alive.

Children and pets all alive

And acting
like normal children and pets.

That's great.
H-hey, have you met

That new stranger from not here?

Nope.
See you tomorrow definitely.

Peter,
we got to win this vacation,

But there are
so many other teams.

Relax, lois.
I brought a hard-boiled egg,

So while all the other teams
are getting eliminated,

We can just play
an "angry dad" game of catch.

So the school called to say
they found pot in your locker.

You want to tell me about that?

Ow! I-I'm not sure
what we're doing, peter.

So how's that summer job hunt
coming?

I don't think they're hiring
in front of the tv all day.

Ow! That's too hard.

You know what else is hard?

Waking up next to a woman
you no longer love.

Try that on for size.

[indistinct chatter]

Peter, they've all
been eliminated.

The game is over,
but I think we should talk.

Yes! The griffins
are going to maine.

And if that isn't
the perfect promo

For the middle of a meaningless
vikings-packers game,

I don't know what is.

Announcer: And the players
have gathered around clark.

And we can only hope that
his injury wasn't too serious

And we start to see some
movement in those extremities.

And while we have
this break in the action,

This Sunday
on an all-new family guy,

The griffins are going to maine.

On right after
an all-new bob's burgers.

A family vacation in maine.

My monogrammed canvas bag
is gonna be so excited.

You said it, lois.

I can't wait to get stuffed
with old sunscreens

And emergency tampons.

Yo, a pool table?

Hell ya! I'm gonna be
gettin' all up in that.

How does one get
"all up in" a pool table?

And, wow, look,
it's bigger than I thought.

So many bedrooms.

Yeah, with all that extra space,

We could invite
our friends along.

Quagmire, joe and bonnie,
cleveland and his family.

-The whole gang could come.
-Really?

Do you think
everyone would enjoy it?

Lois, do you know
what's up in maine?

Art's trading post.

Ever since I was a kid,
I wanted to go up there

To see the trained bear show.

They ride bikes,
they wear dracula fangs--

Seasonally--
and then there's one part

Where nipsy the brown bear
pretends to smoke a cigar.

And I'm not even kidding.

Ah, I don't know, peter.

It's a lot of people
under one roof.

Come on, lois,
this is our big chance

To yell at kids who aren't ours.

You know what? Let's do it.

I think bonnie's gained
five pounds,

And I want to see her
in a swimsuit.

While we're on the subject
of mrs. Swanson and swimsuits,

Question:
If mrs. Swanson goes swimming,

Then hangs her bathing suit
to dry in the bathroom,

Am I allowed to wring
the water into a cup?

-And do what with it?
-Irrelevant.

Do not concern yourself
with what happens to the water

Once it's in the cup.
Am I allowed?

Uh, I'm gonna say no.

All right, well, the guy
from reddit already paid

For the water, but I'll--

I'll figure something out.

I've been waiting a long time
for this trip, brian.

To come to maine? Huh.

I didn't think you were much
of an outdoorsman.

[scoffs] the outdoors
can get stuffed.

We're near kennebunkport,

Home of the bush family compound

And,
according to dowdy magazine,

The very place
where barbara bush picked

That one haircut 40 years ago

And never looked back. See?

The perfect, coiffed, lady fro.

I hear tell that she brought
a quaker oats box

Into the salon and said, "this."

Uh-oh, no pavement,
lot of rocks and roots.

Good thing joe brought his

New off-road tires!

I didn't pack the tires.

Oh.

Nuts.

All right, gang,
time to head inside.

Now one quick heads-up.

Every room has a lake view
except one.

Somebody's gonna have
to look out

Over that girls' volleyball camp
next door.

Nice serve, stacy.

What did I tell ya, lois?

Look at
all those big smiles and--

Cleveland jr., no wet feet
on the hardwood floor!

This is gonna be a great week.

Hey, peter,
will you call your boss?

For what? I don't want
to bug him already.

He wrote the wi-fi password
in a font

Where the big letter I's and the
l juniors are the same thing.

I can't make
heads or tails of it.

Are you calling preston?
Ask him about the towel sitch.

I could only find three
and you're gonna need those

To clean the soda off
the pool table.

We already spilled
on the pool table?

Yeah, meg was really
gettin' all up in it.

Hey, peter? Uh, someone
either laid a giant turd

Or tried to flush
a russet potato down the toilet.

It's totally clogged.

Announcer:
And clark, still unresponsive,

Being carted off the field
and into an ambulance.

This week's family guy:
Someone lays a giant turd.

It's the single largest
defecate I ever saw.

Should we try flushing it
again as a show of force?

Nah, chris,
that'll only make it angry.

Okay, here's the situation:
A stubborn bm

Is blocking up our main toilet.

I can't find a plunger,
so whoever did it

Needs to get in there
with a dishwashing glove

And punch it through.
So who was it?

Say, chris, that looks like a
fresh rim of sweat on your hat.

Wouldn't happen to be
"pushing sweat," would it?

What? No!
I was reading a chapter book.

Meg, you're generally gross.

Anything you want to fess up to?

Nope. I'm "dogging it"
this month for the environment.

That means I only go outside.

Saves water, feeds the soil,

Turns a few heads
at the same time.

Okay, this is disgusting.

D-does it really matter
who did it?

I'd kind of like to know.

Yeah, we should
at least make sure

They don't need
medical attention.

Well, I'd like to get on
with my vacation.

There's got to be a plunger
around here somewhere.

Peter, come on, help me look.

Okay, listen up,
we don't have much time.

It was me, peter.
I clogged the toilet.

That was you?
How is that even possible?

[groans] it was all
that fiber-y mom cereal

The view told us to eat.

That turd has joy behar's
fingerprints all over it.

But I need you
to take the fall for me.

Uh, I don't know, lois.

Even for a husky guy like me,

It's shamefully large.

I know!
That's why I need your help.

That is not a poop
a woman can come back from.

Look, you take the blame,
and I'll let you

Get two souvenirs
at the bear show.

It's not gonna be, like,
like, like, books, is it?

No.

All right, everybody, listen up.

I'm the one
who clogged the toilet.

[all clamoring in disgust]

Oh, great! As if that
little slug of yours

Isn't embarrassing enough.

Sorry, I have
to make this believable.

-So it's big?
-Let's...

Let's just
get through this, huh?

[to the tune of "reveille"]
♪ gig-gig-giggity ♪

♪ gig-gig-giggity, gig-gig,
giggity, gee-gee ♪

♪ gig-gig-giggity
gig-gig-giggity, gee-gee. ♪

What the hell is happening?!

Life, peter.
That's what's happening.

I've put together
a whole itinerary of adventures

-For our week.
-Wow, this is very detailed.

"6:27, read '6:27'
on daily schedule."

Right on schedule.

Hey, why's some of this stuff
highlighted in green,

But my bear show is in yellow?

Because the bear show
is priority yellow.

[laughing] a bear, a bear show
would never be priority green.

All right, as long
as it's on there, I guess.

Now to put on a pair of shorts
I never wear at home,

But packed for vacation,
hoping they'd magically fit.

[grunting]

[sighs]

Announcer:
Vacation: Let's just pack

The stuff we're sure fits.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

You guys smell that?

You smell that air?

[all inhale, exhale]

Peter, you still back there?

I don't hear you
smelling that air.

[panting]
yeah, I'm here.

I'm just having a hard time
on the one bike

That was stored
under the deck all winter

Instead of in the garage.
[sighs]

We've been at this all morning.

Is it time to go
to the bear show yet?

Soon, peter. But before that,

The itinerary has us going
to a must-visit local market

That no local
has ever stepped foot in.

Now, be sure to put
your bikes down in a place

That blocks the path of people
just trying to live their lives.

[crowd clamoring]

We're doing vacation
really good, you guys.

God, I hate these stores.

They're so tiny, so the owner's

Right on top of you
the whole time.

-Can I wrap that for you?
-Hoda kotb!

Oh, you're such a tourist.
Here, follow my lead.

You know how it's
typically rude to talk

-To people about their finances?
-Yeah.

Well, in a small town market,
you can come right out

And ask the owner if he makes
enough money to feed his family.

You just have to do it
in the voice white ladies use

With people
who don't speak english.

Was it a good tourist season,

Or will your children
go without?

This business you've
dedicated your life to

Is very cute to me.

Isn't this fun, peter?

Now don't forget to say "bye"
like the world's biggest ass.

[high-pitched]
bye! Buh-bye, bye.

♪ ♪

How are those burgers
coming along?

Fine, I guess.

Well, thanks for
volunteering to cook.

I didn't volunteer.

Everyone just
called me "grill master"

Until I submitted.

[laughs] spoken like
a true grill master.

Whatever. Hey, everybody,
we got to eat quick

If we're gonna
catch the bear show.

They're kept on a robitussin
and zoloft-heavy diet,

So they fall asleep
pretty early.

Okay, I'll tell chris.
He's down at the dock fishing.

There he is, the bait master.

I think I misunderstood
the assignment.

Well, let's see what you caught.

I wouldn't look in the bucket.

I'm sorry,
we closed 20 minutes ago.

What? Wait a minute,
if you closed 20 minutes ago,

Why are you just
flipping the sign now?

Owner said
I had to wait to flip it

Until it would
devastate a fat guy.

I told him he was crazy,
but you look pretty upset.

That's why he's the boss.

What's going on, peter?

They're closed,
that's what's going on.

And now we got to come
all the way back here tomorrow.

Oh, we're actually
closed permanently.

After decades of very valid
animal cruelty complaints,

It was easier to
shut down than to

Keep cleaning fake peta blood
off our clothes.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, honestly, it's a miracle

They let us go
as long as we did.

There's not a single license
or permit for this whole thing.

One day, we just started
putting bears on pogo sticks

And no one ever told us to stop.

This can't be happening.

Sorry, you should've
been here earlier

For the bear flash sale.
I was strapping 'em to

People's cars
like christmas trees.

See, that guy got one.

By the end,
we didn't even charge people.

We were just
giving the bears away.

[echoing]
just giving the bears away.

Just giving the bears away.
Just giving the bears away.

Sorry you didn't
see the bears, peter,

But quagmire has us going
blueberry-picking tomorrow.

Maybe you'll see a bear then.

I do not want to
see a wild bear, lois.

I want to see
a unicycle bear in a fez.

You know,
I still don't really get it.

A bear on a unicycle?

It sounds kind of dumb.

It's not dumb. It's hilarious

And it's the only thing
I wanted to do this entire trip.

You know,
if I remember correctly,

Part of our deal was
I get two souvenirs

From the bear show.
Well, I'm looking around

And I don't see
any plastic bear heads on sticks

That I can make bite things.

That means I get to
tell everyone it was you

Who clogged the toilet.

[all gasp]

Lois, that was you?

But it had such a man stink.

You know what, donna?
Going in the bathroom after you

Ain't exactly a walk
through the rose garden,

So I'd be quiet right about now.

Don't listen to him, donna.

We think your movements smell
very lady-like.

Isn't that right, kids?

Oh, of course, 'cause
you all agree on everything.

Just the perfect family,
aren't you?

News flash:
Normal families fight

And like spending time
away from each other.

Sir? Sir? I'm gonna need you
to calm down, sir.

Stop acting like
a real cop, joe.

Your right leg is in a knot.

Uh, yeah,

They got a little tangled

When bonnie dipped me

In the lake.

God, I can't believe I thought
it'd be a good idea

To bring you people
on this trip.

The only reason I still
talk to any of you

Is 'cause
we live on the same street.

And after this week, I am
seriously considering a move.

Peter, peter. I'm sorry,
but 7:05 sunset,

So I need to simulate more
trumpet songs with "giggity."

[to the tune of "taps"]
♪ giggity ♪

♪ giggity. ♪

Give me that thing.

Oh, no.
How will you distract yourself

From the fact that
you're gonna die alone

Without your precious itinerary?

-Whoa.
-Aah! Son of a--

[gasps]

[all gasp]

[panicked shouting]

[clamoring]

Oh, my god. The cabin's on fire.

Heavens.

Hey, thanks for coming out.
Guess all that's left to do

Is get a picture of me
in the truck

And, uh, you fellas
can be on your way.

Oh, god, look at this place.

If preston finds out
I torched his house,

I'm screwed, you guys.

We got to fix this fast.

But I'm sure it's nothing

A resourceful group of
best friends like us

Can't handle, right?

♪ ♪

Look, I know peter said
some very mean things,

But what's important right now
is that no one was hurt.

That's not entirely true, lois.

Your reusable grocery bags
didn't make it.

[scoffs] what?

Your bags, they were
lost in the fire.

No. No.

No!

[grunts]

-[clamoring]
-you son of a bitch,

Peter griffin!

What have you done?

I will never
forgive you for this.

Do you hear me?

[sobbing]
I will never forgive you.

♪ ♪

Well, peter,
you made it crystal clear

We're no longer wanted,
so we'll leave you be.

Yeah, you can deal with
this mess on your own.

Let's go, everybody.

[car doors closing]

[engines starting]

Why aren't we moving?

We got to wait for joe

To back out of the driveway

'cause he pulled in last.

Sorry. If I knew you were doing
a big, dramatic exit,

I would've rearranged the cars
this morning.

You mind if I wait till I'm
all the way in to tell you off?

Yeah, that's fine.

Shame on you, peter.

It is people like you who--

[car horn honking]

[quagmire]
go!

♪ ♪

All right, peter, don't panic.

You got till the end of
the week to fix this.

Maybe there's an online
tutorial that'll help.

What's going on, guys?

I'm corey, from "corey's world."

Today I'm gonna show you
how to patch a big hole

In your boss's cabin.
Here's what you'll need:

[fading]
a drywall saw, tape measure...

[peter]
shoot, what did he say?

Turn off the power so you don't

Drill into a live wire
like my stepdad todd.

Now our spoons move

When he walks in the kitchen.

To do that...

[peter]
gerbils can't sing opera.

Damn it, peter, focus.

-Your job is on the lin--
-[mouse button clicks]

[singing "o sole mio"]

[laughs] aw, touché,
"recommended videos."

I know you're leading me
down a rabbit hole

To isis beheadings,
but this was a bull's-eye.

[phone rings]

Preston. I wasn't
expecting to hear from you

For a couple of days.

Yes, well, I realized

I only provided three towels
for the entire cabin,

So I'm on my way
to deliver more.

Oh, you don't have to come all
the way up here just for that.

Unfortunately, I do.

My ocd won't allow me to stop...
[clicks tongue] clicking

Until the cabin has 15 towels.

Well, I should let you go.

A new car is in front of me
and I need to... [clicks tongue]

Do math problems
with its license plate number.

♪ ♪

All right, everything I need to
get out of this mess

Is right here.
Power drill, level,

Circular saw. Perfect.

How can preston fire me

If he can't get inside?

[wind gusts]

Ah! My defenses are down.

-[car approaching]
-oh, no.

He's here. [sighs]

Well, I guess it's time to
face the music.

What are you guys doing here?

We came back to help you, peter.

And it's not just us.

♪ ♪

Did we time it right?

Did you say "not just us"

Before we pulled over
the horizon?

Yeah, it was perfect.

Yes. That is why we practiced

In the walmart parking lot.

But I was
such a jerk to all of you.

Why would you help me now?

Lois says you were the one
pushing to

Invite us on the trip at all.

Called us your best friends.

And we should've
made a better effort to

Get to your bear show,
instead of making the trip

All about what we wanted to do.

Yeah, and we left without
any of our chargers.

If it was just the blocks,
you know, big whoop-dee-doo,

But it was the wires, too.

So, what do you say?

Can we help you
fix the cabin, peter?

I'd like that.

Now, let's go chop down

Some ancient pine trees

To save this millionaire's
vacation home.

[all] yeah!

The chimney has proved stalwart.

Well, that's preston.

I'm sorry for what I said.

Only true friends would come
back to help the way you did,

And that's all that matters.

True friends will also stay

To watch their friend get fired.

Thanks, guys.

I'll probably cry.

That's okay.
It'll make a better tiktok.

Griffin, what the hell?

My cabin.
It's completely destroyed.

[crying] I'm so sorry, preston,

But you got to know this was
completely my fault.

My friends and family
were the perfect guests,

And they had
nothing to do with it.

If you want to fire me,

Or issue some maine justice

And clamp some lobsters
to my nipples,

I understand.

Peter, you don't understand.

I hate it up here.

The small-town pace,
the pressure to relax,

The barn owl that pushed
my wife down a staircase.

I don't get it.
Then why have the cabin at all?

An address in maine
allowed me to establish

An ethically dubious, but
technically legal shell company.

But now,
with the money I'll save

From taking a casualty deduction
on the destroyed property,

I won't need that.

[applause]

Hey, preston,
I know the cabin's a mess,

But we still got
three days in the prize week.

Could we finish out our trip
here in maine? Together?

I don't see why not.

[bird calls]

[announcer]
maine: A day and a half
is probably enough.

Well, we had our troubles,

But I'm glad we're back at home,
safe and sound.

Peter, what are you talking
about? This is all a dream.

You had a stress heart attack
during the egg toss.

[groaning]

Poor darren.