Original subtitles

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

I finally found a sure way to lose weight.

I bought a scale that lies.

[LAUGHING]

♪ To introduce our guest star ♪

♪ That's what it's time to do ♪

♪ So it really makes me happy ♪

♪ To introduce to you ♪

Miss Ruth Buzzi.

♪ But now let's get things started On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[FANFARE PLAYS]

Hi, gang, and welcome to the show. Hey, I feel good tonight for two reasons.

One, Scooter's uncle has extended the lease on our theater

which gives us a roof over our head.

And two, our special guest star is Miss Ruth Buzzi,

which is enough to make anyone feel good.

But now, let's get the show underway with some musical mayhem.

Hit it, boys.

[PLAYING]

♪ Sunny ♪

♪ Yesterday my life was filled with rain ♪

Too slow!

[MUSIC INCREASES SPEED] ♪ Sunny ♪

♪ You smiled at me And really eased the pain ♪

♪ Dark days are done Bright days are here ♪

♪ My sunny one shines so sincere ♪

♪ Oh, sunny one so true ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Faster!

[MUSIC INCREASES SPEED] ♪ Sunny ♪

All right!

♪ Thank you for the sunshine bouquet ♪

♪ Sunny ♪

♪ Thank you for the love You brought my way ♪

♪ You gave to me your all in all ♪

♪ Now I feel I'm ten feet tall ♪

♪ Oh, sunny one so true, I love you ♪

Faster!

-[SPEED INCREASES] ♪ Sunny -Sunny! ♪

♪ Thank you for the truth you let me see ♪

What's going on? Sunny... What's happening?

♪ Thank you for the facts from A to Z ♪

♪ My life was torn like windblown sand ♪

♪ And a rock was formed When we held hands ♪

♪ -Oh, sunny one so true, I love you -Yeah! ♪

What's happening? Sunny... Wait a minute.

♪ Thank you for the smile upon your face Oh, Sunny ♪

♪ You're my spark of nature's fire You're my complete desire ♪

♪ -Oh, sunny one so true, I love you -Yeah! ♪

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

[APPLAUDING]

-Too fast. Too fast. -Nice, nice.

-Tell him to lighten up, man, -Yeah, I will, okay.

-Ahh. -Take it easy, Animal.

-Hi, Kermit. Hey, Kermit. -Scooter. Scooter.

-Scooter, what is this? -Oh, that's a crate.

I can see it's a crate, but who's responsible for it?

-Oh, I am. -Scooter!

What makes you think you can bring a crate into the backstage?

-My uncle owns the theater. -And a nice crate it is too.

-Thank you. -May I ask you what is in it?

-Sure, go ahead, -What is in it?

Well, it's a mechanical windup TV show host.

-A mechanical windup TV show host? -Right.

Scooter, that is the dumbest, the craziest, most ridiculous idea

you have ever-- Agh!

Good grief.

-Scooter, you're out of your mind! -Mm-hm.

Be careful, frog. His uncle owns the theater.

Wait a minute. Oh!

Ha, ha!

[BAND PLAYING BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC]

[PANTING]

I wish they had rock 'n' roll in the '40s.

-Why? -We'd be dead by now.

Don't you see? You've got to be strong, You've got to stand on your own two feet.

-But that's the problem, -What?

I've got three feet.

Oh, my dear, you are so lovely. Have I ever seen you in the movies?

Well, I don't think so, I hardly ever go.

Don't you feel stupid with three feet?

Sure, but the other one didn't come back from the cleaners.

You know, I have a bone to pick with you.

Too late, I just buried it.

Do you really have three feet?

Sure, One, two, three.

Agh!

Three feet and one broken back.

Well, I think I'll go stretch my legs.

I'll do it for you.

[GRUNTING]

Ha, ha!

Well, time soon for the handsome frog here to make another one of his introductions,

I will check myself and see how I look in the mirror.

Scooter, where did you get this ridiculous windup TV-show host?

-I was a gift from his uncle, -Welcome to the show.

With a few exceptions, the characters on this program

are weird and peculiar, and not to be trusted.

One of those exceptions, aside from myself, of course,

is the wonderful singing team of Wayne and Wanda.

They've really rehearsed this one, so they're sure to get it right.

Here they are, Wayne and Wanda, with "Row, Row, Row."

♪ Young Johnnie Jones He had a cute little boat ♪

♪ And all the girlies I would take for a float ♪

♪ He had girlies on the shore ♪

♪ Sweet little peaches by the score ♪

♪ But Johnnie was a wisenheimer you know ♪

♪ A steady girl was Flo ♪

♪ And every Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ She'd jump in his boat And they would spoon ♪

♪ And then he'd row, row, row ♪

NEWSCASTER: Here's a Muppet news flash.

The Atlantic Ocean has just been kidnapped. Disappearance of the ocean

was first reported by lighthouse keeper Murray Patterson.

He was awakened late last night when 500 fish pounded on his door asking for water.

Authorities suspect that the ocean is being held prisoner

in an apartment somewhere in Newark.

A ransom note has reportedly been received.

The kidnappers are demanding two Christmases each year

and a hug from Mommy every night.

Ladies and gentlemen, a lady you loved on Laugh-In and hundreds of other shows.

A comedian, an actress, a singer, a dancer, and a lot of fun at parties,

our guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi.

[FANFARE]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪

♪ You'd be like heaven to touch ♪

[SHATTERS]

♪ I want to hold you so much ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ At last love has arrived ♪

♪ Then I thank God I'm alive ♪

♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my eyes off you ♪

♪ Pardon the way that I stare ♪

♪ There's nothing else to compare ♪

♪ The sight of you leaves me weak ♪

♪ There are no words left to speak ♪

♪ But if you feel like I feel ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ Please let me know that it's real ♪

♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ And if it's quite all right ♪

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ To warm the lonely night ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Trust in me when I say ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪

♪ Don't bring me down, I pray ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪

♪ Now that I've found you, stay ♪

♪ And let me love you, baby ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ Let me love you, baby ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

That's my kind of woman.

[APPLAUDING]

[PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

You may not know this, but I'm really a very sentimental dog.

I cry easily.

Onions, for instance, always make me cry.

♪ I'll admit I split bananas ♪

♪ Take Easter eggs and make them dye ♪

♪ But I never harmed an onion ♪

♪ So why should they make me cry? ♪

♪ Once I saw a salad dressing ♪

♪ My face got radish My, oh, my ♪

♪ But I never harmed an onion ♪

♪ So why should they make me cry? ♪

♪ Potatoes I've mashed And berries I've crushed ♪

♪ I've made an artichoke And that's not all ♪

♪ I've also whipped cream And beaten an egg ♪

♪ Yes, I've even made a melon ball ♪

♪ Of all the things above I'm guilty ♪

♪ If punished, I would know just why ♪

♪ But I never harmed an onion ♪

♪ So why should they make me cry? ♪

♪ Oh, why should they make me cry? ♪

[CRYING]

[APPLAUSE]

Well, Ruth, I thought we'd just sit here and chew the fat for a while.

Oh, Kermit, I never chew the fat.

-Uh, yeah, well-- -Uh-uh. No, fat is not good for you.

Fat is a no-no. In fact, every time I see fat, I go blah!

-Yeah, well, I-- -You are looking at a body, Kermit,

that has not one ounce of fat on it.

-Well, yeah-- -This is lean, lean.

El leano, Kermit, my froggy friend.

Yeah, yeah, I can see all that, yeah--

Kermit, I had a friend once who chewed so much fat that she was as big as a house

and she decided to rent herself out as a duplex. Ha-ha-ha!

-You get it, Kermit? A duplex. -Yeah, Yeah.

A little joke.

I seem to be losing control here.

Ruth. Ruth, what I meant, when I said all that back there,

what I meant was let's talk a bit. Let's just talk a bit.

I love to talk, Kermit. Okay, what'll we talk about?

Well, we all know that you hate fat, but what do you love?

Oh, well, I love to eat.

-But you just said-- -I eat health foods,

organic foods, dairy products...

Dairy products, no, no. That's a no-no. Dairy products killed my uncle.

-Oh, that's awful. -Yep, he was hit by a dairy truck.

-That's terrible, -His last words were:

"Take the cheese off my chest."

Oh, that's awful, Kermit.

Yeah, well, don't blame me, I didn't write that.

-Oh, it's a joke, -Yeah, it was just a joke.

That's up to the laugh track.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But speaking of laughs, Ruth, you know, you really tickle me.

-Well, that's how I make everyone laugh. -How's that?

I tickle them.

-Wonderful, -Marvelous.

That you should care for me.

-Huh? -Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, now the act you've been waiting for.

The man with the fur and the funnies, our own Fozzie Bear.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Mwah, mwah.

Love you all. Yeah. Oh, it's gonna be a great night tonight.

Yeah, somewhere, but not here.

You folks are in for a real treat.

You mean you're finished?

Hey, come on, you guys.

Hey, a lot of these folks wanna see me.

-Well, so do we. -You wanna see me perform?

-No, retire. -Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, look, If you don't like me, why do you come here?

Because you're one of the top comics in the business.

-In the world. -In the business world.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look, who's doing this show? You or me?

Well, we're getting all the laughs,

This is my act.

And you're the greatest straight man in the business. You've never been funnier.

-Never. -Really?

Oh, thank you, you're a wonderful audience. Kisses. Mwah. Kisses.

Yeah.

-What did we just do? -His act.

-Well, we've never been funnier. -Ha-ha-ha.

[WOMAN SHRIEKING]

All right. Now, give us the information,

or we have ways of making you talk.

Yes, sir, I'm WAC Lieutenant Jane B. Smithers.

First Battalion, Fifth Army. Based on the far side of the river.

We have over 15,000 troops,

heavily armed with 40 tanks and three fighter planes.

Good, thank you very much. That's the information we needed. Thank you.

You're very welcome. Now, listen.

We have enough food and ammunition for three weeks. Heh, heh.

The commanding officer's name is Frank Irving.

He's a gunnery expert and a former account exec

with an ad agency in Philadelphia.

Well, yes, fine. That should do it. Thank you.

He's 43 years old and has two children.

And he drives a '63 Dodge station wagon.

And the pilot flying plane number one is Mike Kelly.

Oh, yes. He's a graduate of West Point and he wears a toupée.

That's enough! Enough already.

He got three Bs and an A in his final year.

And he went with the general's daughter named Maggie.

-I don't care. -Oh, she had a mole on her left shoulder.

I'm warning you. We have ways of making you stop talking.

Listen. Now, the other pilot is an expert in decoding,

and he is a crack gin rummy player. I mean, he is really terrific.

Please don't do any more. Stop. Don't talk.

Please don't talk. Stop it, please.

Oh, light of my life, frog in my arms.

At last we are alone.

At last you are alone, Piggy. I'm about to go on-stage in front of a thousand people.

But...

[GASPS]

Oh, wretched day for a pig in her prime to be thus scorned.

Oh.

How I long to hear my love whisper sweet passion.

Hiya, good-looking. Where you been all my life?

-Kermit? -Mm-hm.

How...? But...

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Hey, listen, you. Hey, you.

How about you and me getting together and making some steam heat,

huh, snuggle bunny?

Snuggle bunny? But...

Yeah, look. Let me take you away from all this.

A marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig.

We could have bouncing baby figs.

-Baby figs? -Sure, let me whisper...

Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Sweet nothings.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh. Oh.

Huh?

Ugh! Ugh!

Yuck!

How dare you say that to a pig!

-Uh, Piggy. Piggy, let me explain. -Oh?

Explain this.

[GRUNTING]

-Listen, I think you may have dented him. -I don't...

[SIGHS]

Oh, well. The frog broke her fall.

[CREAKING]

I hear your son the hotel has become interested in religion.

Oh, interested isn't the word.

He's seriously thinking about becoming a monastery.

Kermit has asked me to introduce this week's closing number.

So it is with great pleasure...

Excuse me. Don't pay any mind to me, Miss Buzzi.

I merely stand by, checking the content of this program

to make sure it is morally above reproach.

-Go right ahead. -Okay.

It is with great pleasure that I present the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band.

That does not sound culturally uplifting.

♪ Well, you can't Roller-skate in a buffalo herd ♪

♪ You can't roller-skate In a buffalo herd ♪

♪ No, you can't roller-skate In a buffalo herd ♪

♪ But you can be happy If you've a mind to ♪

♪ All you gotta do Is put your mind to it ♪

♪ Knuckle down, buckle down, Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ You can't go swimmin' In a baseball pool ♪

♪ You can't go swimmin' In a baseball pool ♪

♪ No, you can't go swimmin' In a baseball pool ♪

♪ But you can be happy If you've a mind to ♪

[WHOOPS]

[SCATTING]

[WHOOPS]

♪ You can't change film With a kid on your back ♪

♪ You can't change film With a kid on your back ♪

♪ No, you can't change film With a kid on your back ♪

♪ But you can be happy If you've a mind to ♪

♪ All you gotta do is Put your mind to it ♪

-♪ Knuckle down, buckle down -Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ You can't roller-skate In a buffalo herd ♪

♪ You can't roller-skate In a buffalo herd ♪

♪ No, you can't roller-skate In a buffalo herd ♪

♪ But you can be happy If this is the end of the song ♪

[WHOOPS]

Pass me that jug over here.

[CHATTERING]

Time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program.

-It's about time too. -Just hold it down there, Sam.

Tonight, our distinguished panel of experts

includes our special guest, Miss Gloria Goodbody.

-Thank you, KERMIT: You're more than welcome.

And tonight we discuss that controversial topic, "Is the human body obsolete?"

I presume the question under discussion is something to do with the importance,

or lack thereof, of the physiological prowess, in this age of growing technology

and ever-escalating cybernetic engineering.

That was wonderful.

I didn't understand it.

Now, actually, actually, everyone, I was saying

that I think we're supposed to be talking about physical fitness.

-Oh, physical fitness. -Yes, physical fitness.

-Well, I'm fit. -Let's get physical.

-I'm a nut on physical fitness. -Really?

In fact, I've tried every exercise program that there is.

-Right now, I'm into yoga. -Yoga?

-Yes, yoga. -Isn't that that weird sour milk stuff?

Oh, no, that's yogurt. This is yoga.

What are you doing?

[EXHALES]

Doesn't that hurt?

KERMIT: Well, that's about all the time we have.

What's going on?

Are you all right, Miss Goodbody?

Where are you going? There's supposed to be a discussion here.

Oh, listen, listen. That's nothing. Watch this. This is physical fitness.

Wing-ups, One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

-You wanna elucidate? -Would I?

The panel appear to be too busy to continue the discussion,

but tune in next week,

where our topic will be crowd control and riot suppression.

-Bravo! Bravo! -Wonderful.

Well, that's all for tonight. Thank you all for watching,

and special thanks to our wonderful guest star, Miss Buth Ruzzi.

[HICCUPPING] Buth Ruzzi, Buth Ruzzi, Buth Ruzzi.

Oh, look at that, I knew this wicked contraption would break down eventually.

Ah, there.

A mere machine could never replace a real frog.

-Aww. You're a nice person, Ruth. -Thank you.

And I hope we've tickled you as much as you've tickled us on the show.

-You have, Kermit, -Right, guys? Huh?

-Tickle, tickle, -Oh, don't! Ha-ha-ha!

Hey, join us next week on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

-Well, did you like the show? -No, I didn't. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.