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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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BOTH: Right arm up and elbow bent.
2
00:00:05,322 --> 00:00:07,909
Head roll, shimmy it, and shimmy it.
3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,256
And step on the bug.
Squish it, squish it.
4
00:00:10,267 --> 00:00:12,378
Bitten by a rattlesnake. Wince! Wince!
5
00:00:12,389 --> 00:00:14,891
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
6
00:00:14,891 --> 00:00:16,059
Drive to the hospital.
7
00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:18,103
Swerving, swerving.
8
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Slam on the brakes.
9
00:00:19,271 --> 00:00:21,273
Backwards box step.
10
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- Yeah!
- Yes!
11
00:00:22,399 --> 00:00:23,567
- Whoo!
- [GRUNTS DETERMINEDLY]
12
00:00:23,567 --> 00:00:25,152
Okay, okay, break time.
13
00:00:25,152 --> 00:00:27,988
Must take a break to not die.
14
00:00:28,366 --> 00:00:30,782
We're doing the annual
father-daughter dance,
15
00:00:30,782 --> 00:00:33,118
so we need to... are you knitting?
16
00:00:33,118 --> 00:00:35,745
Read an article that said
hobbies are good for the brain.
17
00:00:35,745 --> 00:00:37,914
Also said to give up bacon and fudge.
18
00:00:37,914 --> 00:00:40,917
But you can't believe
everything you read.
19
00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:42,502
Jimmy, car looks great.
20
00:00:42,822 --> 00:00:44,671
Any shot at winning the Pinewood Derby?
21
00:00:44,671 --> 00:00:46,506
Yeah, if nobody else shows up.
22
00:00:46,506 --> 00:00:47,841
Okay, Grace, let's take another...
23
00:00:47,841 --> 00:00:49,426
ah!
24
00:00:49,426 --> 00:00:52,012
- Oh, my God!
- Dad, are you okay?
25
00:00:52,315 --> 00:00:55,265
Don't move, don't move,
don't move, don't move.
26
00:00:55,265 --> 00:00:58,810
Oh, thank God, the blanket's unharmed.
27
00:00:58,810 --> 00:01:00,645
You can move now, Jim.
28
00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:02,689
I've never seen a human fly like that.
29
00:01:02,689 --> 00:01:05,567
- Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, yeah, I think I am.
30
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:07,486
It must be the adrenaline.
31
00:01:07,486 --> 00:01:08,820
I don't feel a thing.
32
00:01:08,820 --> 00:01:11,198
Where's my other knitting needle?
33
00:01:11,602 --> 00:01:13,909
- Ahh.
- [BOTH GASP]
34
00:01:21,846 --> 00:01:22,876
Why did they just gasp?
35
00:01:22,887 --> 00:01:24,669
Uh, no reason.
36
00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:27,380
Nobody gasps just to gasp.
37
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,841
Son, I need you to look at me.
38
00:01:29,841 --> 00:01:30,952
Why, what's happening?
39
00:01:30,963 --> 00:01:32,385
Everything is gonna be okay.
40
00:01:32,385 --> 00:01:33,905
Why wouldn't everything be okay?
41
00:01:33,916 --> 00:01:35,263
No reason. That's why
42
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,599
everything is gonna be okay.
43
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:40,560
ALL: Don't sit down!
44
00:01:42,813 --> 00:01:44,898
There's a knitting needle in
my butt cheek, isn't there?
45
00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:48,235
[YELPS]
46
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No, there isn't.
47
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,824
♪ It's true ♪
48
00:01:53,824 --> 00:01:57,911
♪ The marriage that we
once had now is through ♪
49
00:01:57,911 --> 00:02:01,915
♪ But now we're doing
all that we can do ♪
50
00:02:01,915 --> 00:02:06,586
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
51
00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:10,215
♪ Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
52
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♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
53
00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:17,013
♪ But we've just begun ♪
54
00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:19,224
♪ ♪
55
00:02:19,224 --> 00:02:21,768
Hey, thanks for the help
cleaning up the table, kids.
56
00:02:21,768 --> 00:02:24,104
I plugged the hole with
a dollop of Polysporin,
57
00:02:24,104 --> 00:02:26,731
and now my tush is good as new.
58
00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:28,358
Look who's here with Chinese.
59
00:02:28,358 --> 00:02:30,944
Got the orange chicken family meal.
60
00:02:30,944 --> 00:02:35,365
Orange, my second favorite
chicken flavor after nuggets.
61
00:02:36,575 --> 00:02:37,742
Where's the coffee table?
62
00:02:37,742 --> 00:02:39,953
- I got hit by a car.
- What?
63
00:02:39,953 --> 00:02:41,913
Oh, continue.
64
00:02:41,913 --> 00:02:43,540
Anyway, took a little bit of a tumble.
65
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,041
Punctured my old patootie.
66
00:02:47,461 --> 00:02:50,464
But I am confident that by this
Friday's father-daughter dance,
67
00:02:50,464 --> 00:02:52,340
that my little moneymaker will be 100%.
68
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:53,800
Not this Friday night.
69
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,927
This Friday is the Pinewood Derby.
70
00:02:55,927 --> 00:02:57,471
No, that's next Friday.
71
00:02:57,471 --> 00:02:58,726
It's in my phone. See?
72
00:02:58,737 --> 00:03:00,640
Next Friday.
73
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,684
Pretty sure they changed it.
74
00:03:02,684 --> 00:03:04,686
No, they would have sent
you home with a memo.
75
00:03:04,686 --> 00:03:09,274
Jimmy, did you leave a
memo in your backpack again?
76
00:03:09,274 --> 00:03:12,110
What kind of word is "memo"?
77
00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:13,737
It's short for "memorandum."
78
00:03:13,737 --> 00:03:16,823
What kind of word is "memorandum"?
79
00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,743
I believe it's the
long version of "memo."
80
00:03:19,743 --> 00:03:21,786
I know, but they're all we got.
81
00:03:22,152 --> 00:03:24,488
When is the last time you emptied this?
82
00:03:24,528 --> 00:03:26,196
Last time I what?
83
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,419
Dad, you got to go to
the father-daughter dance.
84
00:03:29,419 --> 00:03:30,670
Grace, I know.
85
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:32,172
Have I not learned all the moves?
86
00:03:32,172 --> 00:03:33,423
Risked paralysis?
87
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:34,841
The father-daughter
dance is why I'm getting
88
00:03:34,841 --> 00:03:37,886
bitten by rattlesnakes
and swerving off the road.
89
00:03:37,886 --> 00:03:39,679
I'm the daughter, you're my father.
90
00:03:39,679 --> 00:03:41,765
There's a dance. We have to go!
91
00:03:41,765 --> 00:03:43,475
This is an unsigned
permission slip for the zoo
92
00:03:43,475 --> 00:03:44,518
from two weeks ago.
93
00:03:44,518 --> 00:03:45,685
And you still went?
94
00:03:45,685 --> 00:03:47,813
There's cracks in the system.
95
00:03:49,147 --> 00:03:50,524
Ugh! He's right.
96
00:03:50,524 --> 00:03:51,733
They did change the date of the derby.
97
00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:54,611
- I hate this school.
- I'm with you, Mom.
98
00:03:54,611 --> 00:03:56,530
You are not without blame, buddy.
99
00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:58,698
Me? They put their trust in a C student.
100
00:03:58,698 --> 00:04:00,200
You're a B student.
101
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,744
I think there's another
memo in that bag.
102
00:04:04,454 --> 00:04:06,540
Dad, the dance is our tradition...
103
00:04:06,540 --> 00:04:08,250
a tradition that's about to be over.
104
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:09,626
I know I messed up,
105
00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:11,795
but the Pinewood Derby
is a tradition too.
106
00:04:11,795 --> 00:04:13,296
Dad, you gotta come with me.
107
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:16,383
All right, I-I realize
that you both need Super Dad
108
00:04:16,383 --> 00:04:17,884
to bless you with his presence.
109
00:04:17,884 --> 00:04:20,762
But cloning technology
has sadly not kept pace
110
00:04:20,762 --> 00:04:23,849
with the universal need for more me.
111
00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:26,935
So just give me a minute
to figure out a plan.
112
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,356
Okay, help.
113
00:04:31,356 --> 00:04:33,900
Uh, okay. Well, why don't I sub in
114
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,235
for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?
115
00:04:35,235 --> 00:04:36,403
Boom, problem solved.
116
00:04:36,403 --> 00:04:38,029
No, not boom.
117
00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:39,239
I can't go with Mom.
118
00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:41,116
Whenever I'm with Mom,
everyone calls me...
119
00:04:43,702 --> 00:04:45,537
When I was playing
Fortnite last month...
120
00:04:45,537 --> 00:04:47,789
keep in mind, I have a
live mic on my headset
121
00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:51,084
that is broadcasting to
45 of my best friends...
122
00:04:51,084 --> 00:04:52,586
Mom bursts in yelling,
123
00:04:52,586 --> 00:04:54,754
"Goo Goo Bear, your
bubble bath is ready."
124
00:04:56,758 --> 00:04:58,509
My God, what were you thinking?
125
00:05:00,326 --> 00:05:02,078
I was thinking it was tubby time.
126
00:05:04,306 --> 00:05:08,101
Plus, Mom, Steve Green's
dad is always saying
127
00:05:08,101 --> 00:05:10,562
that you're the prettiest
mom in the neighborhood.
128
00:05:10,562 --> 00:05:13,231
Oh. Jerry said that?
129
00:05:13,231 --> 00:05:14,566
Hm.
130
00:05:14,566 --> 00:05:17,486
Yeah, Jerry said that.
131
00:05:17,486 --> 00:05:19,196
Jerry says a lot of things.
132
00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:23,116
Grace, why don't I sub in at the dance?
133
00:05:23,116 --> 00:05:24,576
I'm a better dancer than your dad.
134
00:05:24,576 --> 00:05:26,286
Just ask the coffee table.
135
00:05:26,286 --> 00:05:28,330
I'm not going to the
father-daughter dance
136
00:05:28,330 --> 00:05:29,664
- with my mom.
- Why?
137
00:05:29,664 --> 00:05:31,124
Your other classmates
go with their moms,
138
00:05:31,124 --> 00:05:33,418
- and they think it's cool.
- Yeah, if you have two moms
139
00:05:33,418 --> 00:05:34,795
or your dad's in prison, it's cool.
140
00:05:34,795 --> 00:05:37,464
But that's not me. Dad, you decide.
141
00:05:37,464 --> 00:05:39,341
The child that first made you a father
142
00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:40,967
or the other kid?
143
00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:42,302
Other kid?
144
00:05:42,302 --> 00:05:46,598
I am James Patrick
Kearney, second of his name.
145
00:05:46,598 --> 00:05:48,809
I cannot and will not choose.
146
00:05:48,809 --> 00:05:51,061
Ethically and philosophically,
it would be a mistake
147
00:05:51,061 --> 00:05:54,689
because one of you would not like me.
148
00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:56,399
The more I see how
adults make decisions,
149
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,485
the less safe I feel.
150
00:05:58,485 --> 00:06:00,111
So what, we flip a coin?
151
00:06:00,111 --> 00:06:02,531
Ah, the age-old
tiebreaker. Jimmy, call it.
152
00:06:02,531 --> 00:06:04,741
- Give me the nickel off the car.
- Heads.
153
00:06:04,741 --> 00:06:05,951
I'm not flipping it. The losing kid
154
00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:07,452
will just blame me for how I flipped.
155
00:06:07,452 --> 00:06:09,496
The blame is never on the
flipper, it's on the caller.
156
00:06:09,496 --> 00:06:10,956
Why? The responsibility is just
157
00:06:10,956 --> 00:06:12,123
as much on the flipper as the caller.
158
00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:14,000
- She's got a point.
- That's legit.
159
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,545
No, no, no, the caller has
two choices, heads or tails.
160
00:06:16,545 --> 00:06:18,463
If Jimmy picks the wrong one,
then the blame lies with him.
161
00:06:18,463 --> 00:06:20,841
But the flipper is the last
person to touch the coin.
162
00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:22,425
That's when the questions begin.
163
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,344
How high did the flipper toss?
How fast did the flipper flip?
164
00:06:24,344 --> 00:06:26,304
The flipper holds the fate
of the flip in their hands.
165
00:06:26,304 --> 00:06:28,014
The flipper has all the blame.
166
00:06:29,724 --> 00:06:31,726
Trey, we need you to flip a coin.
167
00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:35,188
Jimmy Jr.'s already called heads.
168
00:06:35,188 --> 00:06:37,274
We need an impartial
flipper to flip in a way
169
00:06:37,274 --> 00:06:40,026
that is free of conscious
or unconscious flipper bias.
170
00:06:40,026 --> 00:06:41,862
How could a flipper flip with bias?
171
00:06:41,862 --> 00:06:44,281
Velocity, trajectory, phalange, finesse.
172
00:06:44,281 --> 00:06:45,866
I've studied magic, so I know.
173
00:06:45,866 --> 00:06:47,701
I am not surprised.
174
00:06:47,701 --> 00:06:49,744
Did you know that coin
flipping actually began
175
00:06:49,744 --> 00:06:51,663
during the Roman Empire
when they had to decide
176
00:06:51,663 --> 00:06:53,665
who was going to be castrated?
177
00:06:53,665 --> 00:06:55,375
The term eunuch comes...
178
00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:57,043
BOTH: Flip it!
179
00:06:59,212 --> 00:07:00,380
- Tails.
- Yes!
180
00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:01,923
I'm gonna go try on my dress.
181
00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:05,010
That's what the losers
used to say in Rome.
182
00:07:05,010 --> 00:07:06,887
We're gonna need more orange chicken.
183
00:07:06,887 --> 00:07:08,930
- You spilled it?
- I ate it.
184
00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:11,641
You ate the whole thing?
It was a family size.
185
00:07:11,641 --> 00:07:14,102
I'm family.
186
00:07:15,417 --> 00:07:18,064
I'm really sorry about missing
the Pinewood Derby, buddy.
187
00:07:18,064 --> 00:07:20,066
This is a ridiculous way to parent.
188
00:07:22,269 --> 00:07:23,937
Ridiculous!
189
00:07:25,447 --> 00:07:28,241
- Did I mess this up?
- No. He messed this up.
190
00:07:28,241 --> 00:07:29,659
Do you have any idea how many times
191
00:07:29,659 --> 00:07:31,161
we've told him to empty his backpack?
192
00:07:31,161 --> 00:07:32,537
Well, is there anything I can do?
193
00:07:32,537 --> 00:07:33,788
I feel responsible.
194
00:07:33,788 --> 00:07:35,457
Well, you should. You're the flipper.
195
00:07:35,457 --> 00:07:37,751
If you'd stayed in the kitchen,
none of this would've happened.
196
00:07:37,762 --> 00:07:39,566
And we have chicken.
197
00:07:44,103 --> 00:07:46,344
Hey, kid. Sorry it didn't go your way.
198
00:07:46,355 --> 00:07:48,107
I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.
199
00:07:48,107 --> 00:07:50,484
No, I get it. I totally get it.
200
00:07:50,484 --> 00:07:53,070
I mean, I enjoyed going to
the Pinewood Derby with my dad.
201
00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,738
I really loved that bonding time.
202
00:07:54,738 --> 00:07:56,073
Yeah, it's fun.
203
00:07:56,073 --> 00:07:57,575
I mean, we make a whole night out of it.
204
00:07:57,575 --> 00:08:00,327
First we lose, then
we go to Mike's Pastry,
205
00:08:00,327 --> 00:08:02,371
and the whole time we're laughing.
206
00:08:02,371 --> 00:08:04,874
I love me some Mike's Pastry. [CHUCKLES]
207
00:08:04,874 --> 00:08:06,750
You know, um,
208
00:08:06,750 --> 00:08:08,961
you'd probably do better
if you polished your axle
209
00:08:08,961 --> 00:08:11,463
and checked your alignment.
210
00:08:11,463 --> 00:08:14,341
When I was a scout,
we studied woodworking,
211
00:08:14,341 --> 00:08:17,386
we studied aerodynamics,
weight transfer.
212
00:08:17,386 --> 00:08:19,722
We had this thing down to a science.
213
00:08:19,722 --> 00:08:22,183
Will you go to the Derby
with me instead of my mom?
214
00:08:22,183 --> 00:08:23,601
Dude, your mom's gonna kill it.
215
00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:26,103
She's in the kitchen scouring
the web for ways to win.
216
00:08:26,103 --> 00:08:28,564
Well, she should scour your head.
217
00:08:31,025 --> 00:08:33,110
Please? You're my stepdad.
218
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,321
I mean, future stepdad.
219
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:43,204
I-I will be your stepdad.
220
00:08:43,204 --> 00:08:45,456
Unless, um...
221
00:08:45,456 --> 00:08:47,958
how are you and Mom
getting along lately?
222
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,210
We're good.
223
00:08:49,210 --> 00:08:51,128
Why, you heard something?
224
00:08:51,128 --> 00:08:52,922
Dude, you think she'd tell me?
225
00:08:52,922 --> 00:08:54,715
I thought my parents
had a good marriage.
226
00:08:56,592 --> 00:08:57,927
Talk to her.
227
00:08:57,927 --> 00:09:01,597
Fingers crossed for the
Derby and your engagement.
228
00:09:01,597 --> 00:09:05,100
The engagement's solid.
Let me go work on the Derby.
229
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:08,062
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC]
230
00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:10,523
♪ ♪
231
00:09:12,983 --> 00:09:15,736
Pro tip, always include
the words "Pinewood Derby"
232
00:09:15,736 --> 00:09:17,238
when you Google "which
lubricant gives you
233
00:09:17,238 --> 00:09:19,907
the most bang for your buck?"
234
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:21,492
Also, "wood derby" by itself
235
00:09:21,492 --> 00:09:24,286
will return some very disturbing images.
236
00:09:24,286 --> 00:09:26,247
We gotta bring back shame.
237
00:09:27,706 --> 00:09:29,124
Are you okay?
238
00:09:29,124 --> 00:09:32,086
Yeah, um,
239
00:09:32,086 --> 00:09:36,257
Jimmy Jr. just called
me his future stepdad.
240
00:09:36,257 --> 00:09:41,178
Emotions just kind of
snuck up on me like a burp.
241
00:09:41,178 --> 00:09:43,722
He wants me to take him to the Derby.
242
00:09:43,722 --> 00:09:45,057
Instead of me?
243
00:09:45,057 --> 00:09:46,934
Yeah, but it's only
'cause I'm an Eagle Scout.
244
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:49,228
Oh, yeah, of course.
245
00:09:49,228 --> 00:09:51,564
- So you won't feel hurt?
- Far from.
246
00:09:51,564 --> 00:09:53,774
- Cast aside or iced out?
- Nope.
247
00:09:53,774 --> 00:09:55,901
- Taken for granted?
- I don't think in those terms.
248
00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,361
You're amazing.
249
00:09:57,361 --> 00:09:59,155
[LAUGHS] By the way,
250
00:09:59,155 --> 00:10:01,490
I think your Eagle
Scout thing is super hot.
251
00:10:01,490 --> 00:10:03,868
That might be the first time
those words were ever spoken.
252
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:06,036
[LAUGHS]
253
00:10:06,036 --> 00:10:11,584
♪ ♪
254
00:10:13,335 --> 00:10:16,255
This is when you really
miss coffee tables.
255
00:10:18,591 --> 00:10:21,677
- Where's Dad?
- Went to go pick up his tux.
256
00:10:21,677 --> 00:10:24,221
Oh, my God, I can't get
over how good you look.
257
00:10:24,221 --> 00:10:26,515
- Let me get a few pictures.
- Mom, enough, please.
258
00:10:26,515 --> 00:10:28,517
I'm the most documented
child in captivity.
259
00:10:32,146 --> 00:10:34,398
Hey, future stepdad.
260
00:10:34,398 --> 00:10:37,234
- Big night.
- Jimmy, Trey's here.
261
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:38,861
You're gonna do great, okay?
262
00:10:38,861 --> 00:10:40,654
Just remember the basics.
Favorite place to eat?
263
00:10:40,654 --> 00:10:42,448
7-Eleven. Two Big Bites,
264
00:10:42,448 --> 00:10:44,742
blue Takis, Code Red Mountain Dew,
265
00:10:44,742 --> 00:10:47,161
and family-sized pack
of Sour Patch Kids.
266
00:10:47,161 --> 00:10:49,288
And if he then gets sick in the car?
267
00:10:49,288 --> 00:10:50,915
Ginger ale.
268
00:10:50,915 --> 00:10:52,708
Really sick?
269
00:10:52,708 --> 00:10:53,792
Backup ginger ale.
270
00:10:55,294 --> 00:10:57,004
An Eagle Scout is always prepared.
271
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,088
Yep.
272
00:10:58,088 --> 00:11:00,257
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
273
00:11:00,608 --> 00:11:01,844
Jim, where are you?
274
00:11:01,855 --> 00:11:03,093
I'm stuck.
275
00:11:03,093 --> 00:11:04,094
What do you mean you're stuck?
276
00:11:04,094 --> 00:11:05,596
The green line is stuck.
277
00:11:05,596 --> 00:11:07,765
- Are you on the green line?
- No, Julia.
278
00:11:07,765 --> 00:11:10,059
I'm updating you on an
unrelated track closure.
279
00:11:10,059 --> 00:11:12,061
Yes, I'm on the green
line, and I'm stuck!
280
00:11:12,061 --> 00:11:15,564
And desperately clinging
to a single bar of service.
281
00:11:15,564 --> 00:11:17,650
Dad, the dance starts in an hour.
282
00:11:17,650 --> 00:11:19,276
I told the engineer that.
283
00:11:19,276 --> 00:11:21,904
But like this train, he was unmoved.
284
00:11:21,904 --> 00:11:23,072
I'll go to the dance.
285
00:11:23,072 --> 00:11:24,198
We'll say your father is in prison.
286
00:11:24,198 --> 00:11:26,158
We can brainstorm about why on the way.
287
00:11:26,158 --> 00:11:27,868
No, no, no, no! I'm innocent.
288
00:11:27,868 --> 00:11:29,870
I-I'm gonna make it,
Grace. You hear me?
289
00:11:29,870 --> 00:11:31,747
Grandpa is on his way
to escort you there,
290
00:11:31,747 --> 00:11:34,875
and I will arrive before
the last dance, I promise.
291
00:11:34,875 --> 00:11:37,002
There are some old dads
there on their third wives,
292
00:11:37,002 --> 00:11:39,797
so I guess Grandpa won't stand out.
293
00:11:39,797 --> 00:11:42,800
Um, he's not gonna wear his
powder blue tuxedo, is he?
294
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,885
Oh, no, that's just for
weddings and funerals.
295
00:11:44,885 --> 00:11:46,387
He'll be there any second.
296
00:11:46,387 --> 00:11:48,013
Can I have your attention, please?
297
00:11:48,013 --> 00:11:49,932
Could the guy in the back
who's standing up on the seat
298
00:11:49,932 --> 00:11:53,352
please get his dirty
sneakers off the seat?
299
00:11:53,352 --> 00:11:56,689
♪ ♪
300
00:11:56,689 --> 00:11:59,275
You're deliberately going the
long way to jack up the fare!
301
00:11:59,275 --> 00:12:00,734
I'm using Waze.
302
00:12:00,734 --> 00:12:03,988
Yeah, ways to cheat me out
of my hard-earned dough!
303
00:12:03,988 --> 00:12:06,615
Trust me, I want you out of
my cab as soon as possible.
304
00:12:06,615 --> 00:12:08,450
You should have taken Storrow Drive,
305
00:12:08,450 --> 00:12:10,035
you rip-off artist.
306
00:12:10,035 --> 00:12:12,204
I didn't take Storrow 'cause
I knew there was an accident.
307
00:12:12,204 --> 00:12:13,539
How? We didn't even try it.
308
00:12:13,539 --> 00:12:15,332
I told you, I got Waze.
309
00:12:15,332 --> 00:12:16,500
Oh, you got ways, huh?
310
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,294
I got ways to deal with bums like you.
311
00:12:18,294 --> 00:12:19,670
Pull over!
312
00:12:22,548 --> 00:12:25,176
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hey, you owe me $12.50.
313
00:12:25,176 --> 00:12:27,344
Not a chance, you crook!
314
00:12:28,888 --> 00:12:30,890
This looks like it's worth $12.50,
315
00:12:30,890 --> 00:12:33,184
you Bobby Vinton wannabe.
316
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,837
Not my knitting bag.
317
00:12:34,848 --> 00:12:37,158
I need that for my brain.
318
00:12:39,806 --> 00:12:42,297
A crooked cabdriver just robbed me.
319
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:43,879
Oh, my God, are you okay?
320
00:12:43,879 --> 00:12:46,298
Yeah, he only got my knitting bag.
321
00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:48,509
And my wallet was in the bag.
322
00:12:48,509 --> 00:12:50,761
I'll send an Uber. Give me your address.
323
00:12:50,761 --> 00:12:54,098
I'm on the corner of
walk and don't walk.
324
00:12:54,098 --> 00:12:55,933
Forget it. I'll hail another cab
325
00:12:55,933 --> 00:12:58,310
and just ditch the fare when I'm close.
326
00:12:58,310 --> 00:12:59,979
See you soon.
327
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,191
Grace, I'm not bullish
on Grandpa's chances.
328
00:13:04,191 --> 00:13:05,276
We may need a Plan B.
329
00:13:05,276 --> 00:13:07,778
Isn't it, like, Plan G at this point?
330
00:13:07,778 --> 00:13:09,238
I may be your best bet.
331
00:13:09,238 --> 00:13:10,573
I've got the perfect dress.
332
00:13:10,573 --> 00:13:13,117
Mom, it's not that I
don't want to go with you.
333
00:13:13,117 --> 00:13:15,202
It's that I don't
want you to go with me.
334
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:18,873
Trey, will you take me?
335
00:13:18,873 --> 00:13:20,583
To the father-daughter dance?
336
00:13:20,583 --> 00:13:22,626
Yeah, you're kind of
like my other father.
337
00:13:22,626 --> 00:13:25,755
Stepfather... stepfather-to-be.
338
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,842
- They're both saying it now.
- I know.
339
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,969
Keep it together, big guy.
340
00:13:31,969 --> 00:13:34,263
Grace, Trey already
promised to go to the Derby.
341
00:13:34,263 --> 00:13:35,514
It wouldn't be fair to Jimmy.
342
00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:38,225
What wouldn't be fair
to Jimmy this time?
343
00:13:38,225 --> 00:13:40,644
Well, your father is
stuck in the subway,
344
00:13:40,644 --> 00:13:42,104
and Grace asked Trey to
take her to the dance.
345
00:13:42,104 --> 00:13:43,981
But I know how much
you're looking forward
346
00:13:43,981 --> 00:13:45,816
to Trey taking you to the Derby.
347
00:13:45,816 --> 00:13:47,735
Even though I've done a lot of research,
348
00:13:47,735 --> 00:13:48,986
and I know that if we swap out
349
00:13:48,986 --> 00:13:50,780
the steel axle for the graphite,
350
00:13:50,780 --> 00:13:54,325
we can achieve a significant
reduction in friction.
351
00:13:54,325 --> 00:13:55,701
I'm just saying.
352
00:13:57,244 --> 00:14:00,623
Wow. I don't know so
many of those words.
353
00:14:02,995 --> 00:14:04,398
What would you rather do?
354
00:14:04,409 --> 00:14:06,077
It's up to you, Jimmy.
355
00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:12,009
So this is what power feels like, huh?
356
00:14:12,009 --> 00:14:14,095
I like it.
357
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:16,597
I like it a lot.
358
00:14:16,597 --> 00:14:19,141
- Jimmy, I re...
- [SHUSHES]
359
00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:22,436
Okay, fine. I'll take Mom.
360
00:14:22,436 --> 00:14:23,771
But I want the bigger bedroom.
361
00:14:23,771 --> 00:14:25,022
And I want to be an only child,
362
00:14:25,022 --> 00:14:26,190
but there are laws that prevent me
363
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:28,401
from making that dream come true.
364
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,529
Then I win the next
five arguments we have.
365
00:14:31,529 --> 00:14:32,655
- Four.
- Five.
366
00:14:32,655 --> 00:14:34,115
Okay, you win. You have four left.
367
00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:35,199
Trey, let's go!
368
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:38,869
I promise not to call you Goo Goo Bear.
369
00:14:38,869 --> 00:14:40,746
We can only hope.
370
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,206
Babe, I'm not dressed for it.
371
00:14:42,206 --> 00:14:44,583
I studied up on Jimmy Jr., not Grace.
372
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,585
I know the TikTok song, not the dance.
373
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,212
Go by your place and pick up a suit.
374
00:14:48,212 --> 00:14:50,339
Just dance with her in a
way that won't embarrass her
375
00:14:50,339 --> 00:14:51,716
or you'll... what am I saying?
376
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,175
She usually goes to this thing with Jim.
377
00:14:53,175 --> 00:14:54,301
You're good.
378
00:14:54,301 --> 00:14:57,012
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
379
00:14:57,227 --> 00:14:59,306
- You moving?
- Uh, I am.
380
00:14:59,306 --> 00:15:01,726
However, my train is
not. Did my dad show up?
381
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,061
Your dad got his wallet
stolen by a cabbie.
382
00:15:04,061 --> 00:15:05,813
- Apparently...
- I don't want to know.
383
00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:07,648
So Grace had to go with Trey.
384
00:15:07,648 --> 00:15:09,608
Wha... no, no, Grace can't go
385
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:11,026
to the father-daughter
dance without me.
386
00:15:11,026 --> 00:15:12,486
People will think I bailed on her.
387
00:15:12,486 --> 00:15:14,321
But you didn't; you just
chose the wrong train.
388
00:15:14,321 --> 00:15:15,948
Wait, no, h-how is this my fault?
389
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:17,908
I'm not driving the
train. I'm merely a rider.
390
00:15:17,908 --> 00:15:19,827
Yes, I've heard news of budget cuts.
391
00:15:19,827 --> 00:15:22,079
But I expected basic functionality.
392
00:15:22,079 --> 00:15:23,956
Ah, so the rider did pick the train,
393
00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:26,083
and the rider did fail to plan
for unforeseen circumstances,
394
00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:28,294
so the rider did, in fact,
choose his own destiny!
395
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:31,005
I will not be flipped down
that rabbit hole again.
396
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:33,883
I will get to the dance
no matter what occurs.
397
00:15:35,342 --> 00:15:37,011
[SINGSONGY] Pinewood Derby, let's go.
398
00:15:37,011 --> 00:15:38,763
Let's go, Jimmy, let's go!
399
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,765
Pinewood Derby, let's go. Oh!
400
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,224
Gracie, let's go!
401
00:15:42,224 --> 00:15:44,518
I ditched the cabbie at a
red light two blocks away.
402
00:15:44,518 --> 00:15:46,520
Oh, sorry, Bobby. Grace
already left with Trey
403
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,731
to the dance and Jimmy Jr.
and I are off to the Derby.
404
00:15:48,731 --> 00:15:50,608
Ah, the Pinewood Derby.
405
00:15:50,608 --> 00:15:52,109
I used to love going with Jim.
406
00:15:52,109 --> 00:15:54,236
I guess I could go with
little Jimmy next year.
407
00:15:54,236 --> 00:15:57,823
You know what they say.
Grandparents live forever.
408
00:16:02,453 --> 00:16:04,955
Jimmy, you're going
with your grandfather.
409
00:16:04,955 --> 00:16:07,958
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC]
410
00:16:07,958 --> 00:16:10,628
Uh, Grace, it's Dad.
411
00:16:10,628 --> 00:16:12,004
Pointlessly leaving you a voicemail
412
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:13,756
to which you will never listen.
413
00:16:13,756 --> 00:16:16,759
I am so sorry I'm not at the dance yet.
414
00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:18,302
I know you're having no fun without me.
415
00:16:18,302 --> 00:16:20,971
But I promise you, I am on my way,
416
00:16:20,971 --> 00:16:22,973
because there is nothing on this Earth
417
00:16:22,973 --> 00:16:24,850
that will keep me from... rat!
418
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,728
Rat! Rat! [RAT SQUEAKING]
419
00:16:27,728 --> 00:16:30,731
Good lord, look at
the size of that thing.
420
00:16:30,731 --> 00:16:33,234
I'm on my way. Don't dance without me.
421
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:36,195
[TRAIN HORN BLASTS]
422
00:16:42,422 --> 00:16:44,722
Dammit! That was my train.
423
00:16:49,111 --> 00:16:51,780
Here we go, Grace, let's see
if I can keep up with you.
424
00:16:51,791 --> 00:16:54,710
[JAZZY SWING MUSIC PLAYING]
425
00:16:54,710 --> 00:17:01,467
♪ ♪
426
00:17:06,764 --> 00:17:10,017
Elbow bent, and shoulder,
shoulder, shimmy it...
427
00:17:10,017 --> 00:17:11,602
- Dad, you made it!
- Oh.
428
00:17:11,867 --> 00:17:13,437
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Trey.
429
00:17:13,437 --> 00:17:15,022
Did you know Trey knew
how to swing dance?
430
00:17:15,022 --> 00:17:17,400
I didn't even know you
knew how to swing dance.
431
00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:20,418
- She's a natural.
- And he's a natural coach.
432
00:17:22,738 --> 00:17:23,906
[MUSIC ENDS]
433
00:17:23,906 --> 00:17:26,367
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
434
00:17:27,952 --> 00:17:29,286
Super, super.
435
00:17:29,286 --> 00:17:30,913
Do you want to step on the bug now?
436
00:17:30,913 --> 00:17:33,457
Hey, DJ, play "Snake
Bite Emergency," okay?
437
00:17:33,457 --> 00:17:36,168
Actually, do you mind if I
do one more dance with Trey?
438
00:17:36,168 --> 00:17:38,587
Oh. Yeah, yeah, of
course. Go... go ahead.
439
00:17:38,587 --> 00:17:40,339
I should probably go freshen
up in the men's room anyway.
440
00:17:40,339 --> 00:17:42,842
A lot of subway soot in my lungs
441
00:17:42,842 --> 00:17:44,427
I should probably cough up,
442
00:17:44,427 --> 00:17:46,720
along with a smidgen of rat dander.
443
00:17:49,974 --> 00:17:51,517
Ow! Ow.
444
00:17:51,517 --> 00:17:53,477
Oh, man.
445
00:17:53,477 --> 00:17:56,313
Happened again. I pulled a hamstring.
446
00:17:56,313 --> 00:17:58,315
Swinging too strong.
447
00:18:00,317 --> 00:18:03,028
Go get 'em, Kearneys!
448
00:18:03,028 --> 00:18:04,530
- Uh...
- DJ, hit it!
449
00:18:04,530 --> 00:18:07,199
- Maybe I should stretch first.
- No time, Dad. Let's go.
450
00:18:07,199 --> 00:18:08,200
[WHISPERS] Trey.
451
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,827
[MOUTHS WORDS]
452
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:13,247
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
453
00:18:13,247 --> 00:18:15,082
BOTH: Left arm up and elbow bent
454
00:18:15,082 --> 00:18:16,125
and shoulder shrug.
455
00:18:16,125 --> 00:18:18,127
And shimmy it, shimmy it.
456
00:18:18,127 --> 00:18:20,087
Right arm up and elbow bent.
457
00:18:20,087 --> 00:18:22,673
Head roll. Shimmy it, shimmy it.
458
00:18:22,673 --> 00:18:23,966
Step on the bug.
459
00:18:23,966 --> 00:18:30,890
♪ ♪
460
00:18:35,227 --> 00:18:36,479
And while pretending to pull my hammy,
461
00:18:36,479 --> 00:18:39,023
I almost did pull my hammy.
462
00:18:39,023 --> 00:18:40,490
Thanks for stepping up tonight.
463
00:18:40,501 --> 00:18:43,277
Oh, it was fun to step in.
464
00:18:43,277 --> 00:18:45,321
Then Jim showed up, and I stepped back.
465
00:18:45,616 --> 00:18:47,019
Yep, that's being a parent.
466
00:18:47,030 --> 00:18:49,366
Sacrifice, sucking it up, stepping back.
467
00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:50,826
Hm.
468
00:18:50,972 --> 00:18:53,044
And you're sure you're
all right with all of this?
469
00:18:53,055 --> 00:18:58,000
Dude, I'm a battle-tested
tournament-tough warhorse mom.
470
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,251
What does that mean?
471
00:18:59,251 --> 00:19:00,628
[CHUCKLES] It means that I'm immune
472
00:19:00,628 --> 00:19:02,421
to getting my feelings hurt by children,
473
00:19:02,421 --> 00:19:04,673
because I have to be as a parent.
474
00:19:04,673 --> 00:19:06,801
These are kids. Every day is like this,
475
00:19:06,801 --> 00:19:09,303
except for the first two
hours of Mother's Day.
476
00:19:09,303 --> 00:19:10,596
First two hours? That's all you get?
477
00:19:10,596 --> 00:19:11,680
What do you do the rest of the day?
478
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,182
It's just managing the fallout
479
00:19:13,182 --> 00:19:14,433
from breakfast in bed...
480
00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:15,935
scrubbing the syrup out of your sheets,
481
00:19:15,935 --> 00:19:17,978
rinsing the coffee
stains out of your robe.
482
00:19:17,978 --> 00:19:20,147
Luckily, your children have
gotten you a brand-new robe
483
00:19:20,147 --> 00:19:21,899
to replace the old new robe
they gave you for Christmas.
484
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:24,568
Mother's Day is the dirtiest
trick the devil ever played.
485
00:19:26,237 --> 00:19:28,114
My mom says she loves it.
486
00:19:28,114 --> 00:19:30,616
Your mom is a great liar.
487
00:19:30,616 --> 00:19:32,118
Look, you've already learned
488
00:19:32,118 --> 00:19:33,911
the biggest lesson of parenting:
489
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,455
When you feel left out, you
gotta shut up and limp off
490
00:19:36,455 --> 00:19:38,207
because their feelings come first.
491
00:19:38,207 --> 00:19:40,501
Besides, it's not so bad.
492
00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:41,919
And they always come back to you.
493
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,629
[DOOR OPENS] Sometimes
sooner than you want.
494
00:19:43,629 --> 00:19:45,256
Hello!
495
00:19:45,256 --> 00:19:47,591
- Mom, we had the best time.
- Oh, good.
496
00:19:47,591 --> 00:19:49,385
The bug squishing
dance had a lot of steps
497
00:19:49,385 --> 00:19:50,803
to keep track of, so Grace taught me
498
00:19:50,803 --> 00:19:52,930
some swing moves that
she learned from Trey.
499
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,223
Bravo, Trey.
500
00:19:54,223 --> 00:19:56,350
Yeah, you know, I picked
it up at prep school
501
00:19:56,350 --> 00:19:57,852
for the Friday night socials
502
00:19:57,852 --> 00:19:59,395
we had with the girls'
school across the lake.
503
00:19:59,395 --> 00:20:00,771
Mm, how lovely.
504
00:20:00,771 --> 00:20:03,190
As a public school kid,
every other Tuesday,
505
00:20:03,190 --> 00:20:06,402
I would get beaten senseless
by the McGrath twins.
506
00:20:06,402 --> 00:20:08,821
Bob held and Betsy punched.
507
00:20:08,821 --> 00:20:10,239
[LAUGHS]
508
00:20:10,239 --> 00:20:11,699
Hey, hey, hey!
509
00:20:11,699 --> 00:20:14,118
New record in the books. Fourth place!
510
00:20:14,118 --> 00:20:16,245
- [ALL CHEER]
- Whoa! Whoa!
511
00:20:16,245 --> 00:20:17,371
That's my boy.
512
00:20:17,371 --> 00:20:18,956
I never did better than tenth.
513
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:21,083
Evolution in action.
514
00:20:21,083 --> 00:20:23,002
It was fun, Jimmy.
515
00:20:23,002 --> 00:20:24,420
But I got a cab waiting.
516
00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:26,630
Found a cabbie who
didn't know my reputation.
517
00:20:26,630 --> 00:20:29,633
Until the next Kearney family fiasco!
518
00:20:31,159 --> 00:20:33,846
Uh, kids, I will plan on you
ignoring my calls and texts
519
00:20:33,846 --> 00:20:35,649
until you need something. Love you.
520
00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:37,349
- Love you.
- You're the best.
521
00:20:37,349 --> 00:20:40,060
- Thank you.
- They were talking to me.
522
00:20:40,060 --> 00:20:41,937
I didn't hear 'em say "Dad."
523
00:20:44,774 --> 00:20:46,066
Jimmy, you want some ice cream?
524
00:20:46,077 --> 00:20:48,366
- Always.
- Chocolate or strawberry?
525
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:49,613
Uh, strawberry.
526
00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:50,780
Chocolate.
527
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:52,782
- Strawberry.
- Fine, strawberry.
528
00:20:52,782 --> 00:20:54,575
You only have three more
wins in your account.
529
00:20:57,161 --> 00:20:59,705
Man, why are girls so smart?
530
00:21:01,874 --> 00:21:05,169
Oh, and Trey, thanks for the
pep talk before the Derby.
531
00:21:05,169 --> 00:21:06,462
It helped a lot.
532
00:21:06,462 --> 00:21:09,090
You're gonna be a great stepdad.
533
00:21:09,090 --> 00:21:10,591
[SNIFFLES]
534
00:21:10,591 --> 00:21:13,302
Are you welling up?
535
00:21:13,302 --> 00:21:15,471
[TEARFULLY] I can't look at you yet.
536
00:21:17,056 --> 00:21:18,557
Come here.
537
00:21:20,184 --> 00:21:21,894
[LAUGHS]
538
00:21:22,224 --> 00:21:27,224
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
39600
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