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1
00:00:03,374 --> 00:00:07,078
Oh, there she is --
First day of business school!
2
00:00:07,078 --> 00:00:08,279
I watched
"Pretty little liars"
3
00:00:08,279 --> 00:00:09,510
To see
What college kids wear.
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,012
How do I look --
Pretty, little?
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,185
[ sighs ] Liar-y?
Yep, all those things.
6
00:00:14,185 --> 00:00:15,786
I don't look like a mom
Who's trying too hard, do I?
7
00:00:15,786 --> 00:00:17,718
No, no,
Y-you don't, no.
8
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,390
And the scarf --
Is it too much?
9
00:00:19,390 --> 00:00:20,651
It's pink,
10
00:00:20,651 --> 00:00:22,723
And I-it's got skulls
And crossbones and stuff.
11
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,024
It's great. I love it.
12
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,156
Good,
So I look the part.
13
00:00:25,156 --> 00:00:26,427
Yes.
14
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:27,798
Now I just have to get through
My first class today,
15
00:00:27,798 --> 00:00:31,062
Which is something called
"Intermediate media marketing."
16
00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:34,565
God, I haven't been to school
In 20 years.
17
00:00:34,565 --> 00:00:38,809
Skipping the entry-level course,
Was that a bad idea?
18
00:00:38,809 --> 00:00:40,811
No!
No, it wasn't.
19
00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:42,643
You're gonna do great.
And listen, I --
20
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,175
Look, I don't want you
Worrying about
21
00:00:44,175 --> 00:00:45,516
Things around here
Either, okay?
22
00:00:45,516 --> 00:00:47,118
Because I took a day
Off of work
23
00:00:47,118 --> 00:00:50,081
So that I could help transition
The household, so good.
24
00:00:50,081 --> 00:00:54,085
Oh, and on a day with
The "Die hard" marathon on tnt.
25
00:00:54,085 --> 00:00:55,086
Ooh!
26
00:00:55,086 --> 00:00:57,088
Huh, "Die hard."
That sounds fun.
27
00:00:57,088 --> 00:00:58,789
What's that about --
A guy who's hard to kill?
28
00:00:58,789 --> 00:01:01,132
Mm-hmm.
29
00:01:01,132 --> 00:01:02,163
Good morning.
30
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:05,336
Amber, sweetie,
How are you feeling?
31
00:01:05,336 --> 00:01:09,069
Sick. Ah-choo.
I can't go to school today.
32
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,841
I'm so sorry
That I'm starting school
33
00:01:10,841 --> 00:01:13,144
While you're going through
Your first breakup.
34
00:01:13,144 --> 00:01:14,275
Do you want to
Talk about reggie?
35
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,076
No, I'm fine.
36
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,579
Did you hear that?!
[ sighs ]
37
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,451
Apparently, not the way you did.
What's going on?
38
00:01:20,451 --> 00:01:22,082
Marty, if you are
Gonna stay home
39
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,514
To transition
The household,
40
00:01:23,514 --> 00:01:25,456
Then you need to help amber
Through this.
41
00:01:25,456 --> 00:01:27,618
She hasn't cried
Since the breakup with reggie.
42
00:01:27,618 --> 00:01:29,790
You need to fix that.
43
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,562
Y-y-you want me
To make amber cry?
44
00:01:31,562 --> 00:01:32,723
Yes!
Wow.
45
00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:34,425
Watch a romantic comedy
With her,
46
00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:35,766
Eat some ice cream.
47
00:01:35,766 --> 00:01:38,169
If you love our daughter, marty,
You will make her cry.
48
00:01:38,169 --> 00:01:39,830
Okay, sure.
You got it.
49
00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:41,272
And, marty?
Yes.
50
00:01:41,272 --> 00:01:43,874
"Die hard"
Is not a romantic comedy.
51
00:01:43,874 --> 00:01:45,806
Oh, but she takes his name back
In the end!
52
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:48,679
She's holly mcclane again!
It's beautiful!
53
00:01:48,679 --> 00:01:49,710
[ door closes ]
54
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,282
♪♪♪
55
00:01:51,282 --> 00:01:55,186
♪ we came from outer space
And settled in new jersey ♪
56
00:01:55,186 --> 00:01:58,849
♪ we took names like larry bird
And jackie joyner-kersee ♪
57
00:01:58,849 --> 00:02:01,252
♪ then the humans
Moved next door ♪
58
00:02:01,252 --> 00:02:03,424
♪ started testing
All our limits ♪
59
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,426
♪ so sit right down,
Enjoy the show ♪
60
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:13,204
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪
61
00:02:13,204 --> 00:02:15,366
[ foam gurgling ]
62
00:02:15,366 --> 00:02:18,639
Husband, you've been working on
That latte for over an hour.
63
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,140
You almost done
Over there?
64
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,772
I'm working on
The coffee shop
65
00:02:21,772 --> 00:02:24,375
The new jersey department
Of health calls a "B-plus."
66
00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:26,177
I must really
Be on top of my game.
67
00:02:26,177 --> 00:02:28,148
Well, it doesn't
Have to be perfect.
68
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,580
Did michelangelo
Say that
69
00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:31,622
When he painted
The sistine chapel
70
00:02:31,622 --> 00:02:33,324
Or became
A mutant ninja turtle?!
71
00:02:33,324 --> 00:02:35,786
Jackie, quick, this scarf --
Does it make me look --
72
00:02:35,786 --> 00:02:37,188
Like a mother
Trying too hard, yes.
73
00:02:37,188 --> 00:02:39,860
Oh, bummer. Thank you.
74
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:42,193
Why can't marty
Answer questions honestly?
75
00:02:42,193 --> 00:02:45,466
Maybe because human
Relationships are pointless.
76
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:47,498
I wonder what amber's doing
Right now.
77
00:02:47,498 --> 00:02:49,840
She's probably
Not flossing.
78
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,603
[ voice breaking ]
She loves to skip flossing!
79
00:02:52,603 --> 00:02:54,305
He's been like this
For a week.
80
00:02:54,305 --> 00:02:55,846
[ sighs ]
Walk it off, son.
81
00:02:55,846 --> 00:02:57,848
Rub some dirt on it
And move on!
82
00:02:57,848 --> 00:03:00,211
Come here, reg.
Give me a hug.
83
00:03:00,211 --> 00:03:02,583
Oh, even your hair
Is sad!
84
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,884
[ sniffles ]
85
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:04,955
[ sniffs ]
86
00:03:04,955 --> 00:03:07,388
Oh, god. I can smell
Amber's dna on you.
87
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,589
[ sniffing ]
88
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,960
Oh, okay.
You know what, reggie?
89
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,962
Never mind, never mind.
Rub some dirt on it.
90
00:03:11,962 --> 00:03:13,324
[ crying ]
91
00:03:13,324 --> 00:03:15,226
See?
He's a real hot mess.
92
00:03:15,226 --> 00:03:17,568
Hey, can you
Keep the yammering down?!
93
00:03:17,568 --> 00:03:18,729
Some of us
Are actually trying to
94
00:03:18,729 --> 00:03:20,231
Make something
Of our lives!
95
00:03:20,231 --> 00:03:21,402
What has gotten into you?
96
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:22,673
Are you going to say something
To our son?
97
00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:24,775
Yes.
Dick, get out of the way.
98
00:03:24,775 --> 00:03:27,678
Behold!
My foam art.
99
00:03:27,678 --> 00:03:29,240
[ sniffing ]
100
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,241
Oh, a circle?
101
00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:31,912
Lizard.
No!
102
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,244
It's a heart!
103
00:03:33,244 --> 00:03:35,416
[ inhales deeply ]
Oh, who am I kidding?
104
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:38,519
I don't deserve to be called
"Junior barista in training."
105
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,691
Excuse me, dick.
I'm gonna join my son.
106
00:03:40,691 --> 00:03:42,853
Reggie-kins, save a spot
On the couch for papa.
107
00:03:42,853 --> 00:03:45,296
[ dramatic music playing ]
108
00:03:45,296 --> 00:03:48,829
Look, the man and the woman
Are rock climbing.
109
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,861
They do everything
Together!
110
00:03:50,861 --> 00:03:54,234
We must purchase this
Allergy medication immediately!
111
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,866
Oh, I'm all alone here,
Debbie.
112
00:03:55,866 --> 00:03:58,569
It's just me,
A petulant young boy,
113
00:03:58,569 --> 00:04:00,911
And two overly emotional
Grown men.
114
00:04:00,911 --> 00:04:02,943
Debbie: yeah.
What's up with them today?
115
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:05,976
As you know,
Zabvronian men carry our babies.
116
00:04:05,976 --> 00:04:08,319
Yeah, go on --
Not a lot of detail.
117
00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:10,651
Well, uh, once a year,
They have their...
118
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:11,752
Cycle.
119
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,854
And sometimes
When men live together,
120
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,527
Their cycles sync up
And happen at the same time.
121
00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:19,029
I'm six weeks early!
Thanks a lot, reggie!
122
00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:21,632
Ah, ow!
Sorry.
123
00:04:21,632 --> 00:04:23,634
Wait, so you're saying
That reggie and larry
124
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:24,995
Are having their --
Mm.
125
00:04:24,995 --> 00:04:27,898
Oh, well, that's it for me.
You guys have a great day.
126
00:04:27,898 --> 00:04:28,969
Was she calling me fat?!
127
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:29,940
[ sighing ] No.
128
00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:31,271
If you're fat,
Then I'm fat!
129
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,573
[ sighing ]
Oh, I hate being the only woman
130
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:33,674
In this house.
131
00:04:34,945 --> 00:04:38,609
Clint: now, in order to
Aggregate social networks,
132
00:04:38,609 --> 00:04:42,012
Many aggregation services
Will provide widgets,
133
00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:43,854
Which allow you
To search across
134
00:04:43,854 --> 00:04:45,916
Multiple social-networking
Platforms...
Hi. I'm debbie weaver.
135
00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:47,488
...And also access any --
136
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,320
What the hell's a widget?
[ laughs ]
137
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,363
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi.
138
00:04:52,363 --> 00:04:54,625
If you do have
Any questions, uh,
139
00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:56,527
Please direct them towards me.
140
00:04:56,527 --> 00:04:58,699
Even beautiful girls
Have to follow the rules.
141
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,003
Okay. So...
142
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,336
Did our professor
Just hit on me?
143
00:05:05,336 --> 00:05:06,877
Oh, my god!
144
00:05:06,877 --> 00:05:07,908
We'll talk later.
145
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,913
You're fun.
146
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,385
[ birds chirping ]
147
00:05:14,385 --> 00:05:18,689
[ sighs ]
♪ close your eyes ♪
148
00:05:18,689 --> 00:05:20,421
♪ give me your hand, darling ♪
Stupid human bodies.
149
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,593
[ door closes ]
If I get any more bloated...
150
00:05:22,593 --> 00:05:24,324
♪ do you feel
My heart beating? ♪
...Something, something,
Rush limbaugh.
151
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,397
I can't even
Complete my own joke.
152
00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:28,729
♪ do you understand? ♪
Well, dick just told me
To take a chill pill.
153
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,000
♪ do you feel the same? ♪
Oh, not so bad.
154
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,002
He told me
To take it rectally!
155
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:33,864
♪ or am I only dreaming? ♪
His behavior's completely
Out of control.
156
00:05:33,864 --> 00:05:34,905
We have to do something.
157
00:05:34,905 --> 00:05:36,437
I think
He's hit his terrible 10s.
158
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,838
♪ is this burning ♪
Is that a thing?
159
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,671
Oh, can't you see I'm listening
To my favorite cry song?
160
00:05:40,671 --> 00:05:44,044
♪ an eternal flame? ♪
Oh, why does feeling bad
Feel so good?
161
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,916
Husband, if I have to listen
To this song one more time,
162
00:05:45,916 --> 00:05:47,418
I'm going to give you
Something to cry about!
[ music stops ]
163
00:05:47,418 --> 00:05:49,349
Now help me deal with
Our little dick problem.
164
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,351
Wife, you're overreacting.
Dick's fine.
165
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,654
Bite me!
See? Classic dick.
166
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,856
[ sighs ]
I'm going to take
167
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,858
My darling older son
To the coffee shop.
168
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,590
He's going through
A real crisis.
169
00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:01,492
No, reggie jackson
Has school today, husband.
170
00:06:01,492 --> 00:06:03,564
Oh, so you're saying
I'm a bad parent?!
171
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:04,965
You always do this,
Jackie!
172
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,067
Husband, do you think maybe
You're overreacting a little bit
173
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,899
Because you're having
Your --
Say it!
174
00:06:08,899 --> 00:06:11,442
Say it
And see what happens!
175
00:06:11,442 --> 00:06:13,904
I j-- I just --
I'm allowed
To have feelings, too.
176
00:06:13,904 --> 00:06:15,776
Don't just try and blame it
On my gentleman time.
177
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:16,877
God!
178
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:23,954
Hey.
179
00:06:23,954 --> 00:06:25,155
Hey.
180
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:28,018
So, you, uh...
181
00:06:28,018 --> 00:06:29,590
You need to
Talk about anything?
182
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,462
No, I'm fine.
183
00:06:31,462 --> 00:06:34,064
Wait, wait, wait.
184
00:06:34,064 --> 00:06:37,067
Uh...
185
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:38,769
I have to watch...
186
00:06:38,769 --> 00:06:41,432
"Love actually"...
For work.
187
00:06:41,432 --> 00:06:44,104
Do you want to, uh,
Maybe watch it with me, maybe?
188
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,807
You have to watch
"Love actually"...
189
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:47,978
For work?
190
00:06:47,978 --> 00:06:50,010
Sensitivity training.
191
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,982
I'm gonna pass.
192
00:06:51,982 --> 00:06:54,515
You have any interest
In "Die hard"?
193
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,687
We -- we could -- we could
Take a bite of ice cream
194
00:06:56,687 --> 00:06:58,689
For every
Dead terrorist!
195
00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:01,992
It's gonna get pretty tasty
20 minutes in!
196
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:05,956
I hate my hair today.
197
00:07:05,956 --> 00:07:07,828
Your hair
Looks amazing.
198
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:10,501
No, it doesn't.
Yours does.
199
00:07:10,501 --> 00:07:13,834
No, it doesn't!
It used to.
200
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,105
It broke
When my heart did.
201
00:07:15,105 --> 00:07:18,969
Oh.
My little tickle-me-emo.
202
00:07:18,969 --> 00:07:20,671
You must get over
This breakup.
203
00:07:20,671 --> 00:07:22,573
I can't bear you
Feeling like this.
204
00:07:22,573 --> 00:07:25,175
Uh, hey, lar, we really need you
Back behind the counter.
205
00:07:25,175 --> 00:07:26,877
Really, carl?
206
00:07:26,877 --> 00:07:28,178
Are we really
Going to make this about
207
00:07:28,178 --> 00:07:30,721
What the coffee shop
Needs right now?
208
00:07:30,721 --> 00:07:31,822
Carl?!
Carl!
209
00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:34,054
Go. Go.
210
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,057
[ sighs ]
211
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,960
Reggie jackson, I am going to
Fix your heartache
212
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,492
If it's
The last thing I do,
213
00:07:41,492 --> 00:07:43,494
But [sighs] Ohh. Ooh.
In a few minutes.
214
00:07:43,494 --> 00:07:45,666
I'm cramping
Something fierce.
215
00:07:47,898 --> 00:07:50,240
Hey. Hey, can I
Borrow your notes?
216
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,902
Can I borrow your notes?
217
00:07:51,902 --> 00:07:52,903
[ indistinct conversations ]
218
00:07:52,903 --> 00:07:54,044
Excuse me.
219
00:07:54,044 --> 00:07:56,947
Chatty cathy.
220
00:07:56,947 --> 00:07:58,709
How can I help you?
221
00:07:58,709 --> 00:08:01,051
I was wondering,
What is a widget?
222
00:08:01,051 --> 00:08:03,183
Oh, well,
Why don't you come by
223
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,985
During my office hours
Later?
224
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,617
I promise,
By the end of tonight,
225
00:08:06,617 --> 00:08:08,589
You'll know not only
What a widget is...
226
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,821
But how to use it.
227
00:08:10,821 --> 00:08:11,822
[ chuckles ]
228
00:08:11,822 --> 00:08:13,123
That would be great.
Mm-hmm.
229
00:08:13,123 --> 00:08:14,595
Thank you,
Professor vance.
230
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,598
It's a date.
Great.
231
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,069
[ sighs ]
232
00:08:19,069 --> 00:08:22,733
Oh, I should have kept you two
Under the scarf.
233
00:08:27,237 --> 00:08:30,080
There's my schoolgirl.
234
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,582
You're home early.
235
00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:35,646
Listen, I tried to talk to
Amber, and, uh, she just...
236
00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:37,648
Wait, why -- why are you wearing
Your depression outfit?
237
00:08:37,648 --> 00:08:39,119
Oh, I got it
All wrong, marty.
238
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,591
College girls
Don't dress cute.
239
00:08:40,591 --> 00:08:42,092
They dress like
Depressed moms.
240
00:08:42,092 --> 00:08:44,925
And my first class
Was really tough,
241
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,757
So now I'm gonna have to
Have private tutoring
242
00:08:46,757 --> 00:08:47,858
From my professor,
243
00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:49,960
Who I'm pretty sure
Was hitting on me.
244
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,762
And by "Pretty sure,"
I mean definitely,
245
00:08:51,762 --> 00:08:54,064
So now I got to
Nip that in the bud
246
00:08:54,064 --> 00:08:55,706
And look as unattractive
As possible.
247
00:08:55,706 --> 00:08:59,069
Well, well, well, looks like
Someone's hot for student.
248
00:08:59,069 --> 00:09:01,241
Yeah, I still got it,
But I got to turn it off.
249
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,272
Will this do it?
250
00:09:02,272 --> 00:09:04,174
What is my most
Unattractive outfit?
251
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,179
[ sniffs ] Marty?
252
00:09:09,179 --> 00:09:10,681
You look great
In everything.
253
00:09:10,681 --> 00:09:12,653
Nothing could
Make you look unattractive.
254
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,085
Oh, marty, come on.
I give you full license.
255
00:09:17,588 --> 00:09:19,059
Stop playing around.
I'm serious.
256
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,190
Yeah, so am I.
257
00:09:20,190 --> 00:09:21,331
I don't -- I don't want to
Play this game.
258
00:09:21,331 --> 00:09:22,332
It isn't a game.
259
00:09:22,332 --> 00:09:23,794
I want to
Do well in my class,
260
00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:25,235
And I don't want my professor
To flirt with me.
261
00:09:25,235 --> 00:09:28,739
Your professor will be into you
No matter what you do.
262
00:09:28,739 --> 00:09:29,740
You are so pretty.
263
00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:30,801
Oh, marty, come on.
264
00:09:30,801 --> 00:09:32,572
This has got to stop.
I'm your wife.
265
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,605
When I ask you a question,
I want an opinion.
266
00:09:34,605 --> 00:09:37,247
What's my most
Unattractive outfit?
267
00:09:37,247 --> 00:09:38,609
Marty?
268
00:09:38,609 --> 00:09:39,750
Mnh-mnh. No.
Marty.
269
00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:41,151
No, I'm not doing it, deb.
Marty.
270
00:09:41,151 --> 00:09:42,653
Don't make me do it!
I don't want to do it!
271
00:09:42,653 --> 00:09:44,014
No, marty --
I don't want to --
272
00:09:44,014 --> 00:09:45,756
Your capri pants!
273
00:09:45,756 --> 00:09:47,858
You don't
Like my capris?
274
00:09:47,858 --> 00:09:49,920
See, now you're mad
At me, right?
I am not mad.
275
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,061
This is why
I didn't want to say anything,
276
00:09:51,061 --> 00:09:52,693
'cause now you're mad at me.
I am not mad.
277
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,164
No capris -- got it.
What else?
278
00:09:54,164 --> 00:09:57,668
For real?
You're totally okay with this?
279
00:09:57,668 --> 00:09:59,169
I am.
280
00:09:59,169 --> 00:10:03,233
Okay, great. So, great.
I would have to say then...
281
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:05,605
Um, I didn't
Totally love it
282
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,238
When you experimented
With being blond.
283
00:10:08,238 --> 00:10:09,810
Oof! What was that?
284
00:10:11,341 --> 00:10:12,342
Oh, boy.
285
00:10:12,342 --> 00:10:15,716
That was not
An experiment.
286
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,889
I was blond
For six years!
287
00:10:18,889 --> 00:10:20,320
No, no, I don't --
That's not what I --
288
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,852
I'm not -- okay,
What happened to full li--
289
00:10:21,852 --> 00:10:22,993
You said full license,
Right?
290
00:10:22,993 --> 00:10:24,755
To comment on an outfit,
291
00:10:24,755 --> 00:10:26,827
Not my hair color
Nine years ago!
292
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,260
I-I was blond
Between amber and max.
293
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:31,702
Oh, my god!
294
00:10:31,702 --> 00:10:33,864
Is that why it took us
Six years to have max?!
295
00:10:33,864 --> 00:10:35,105
No, not at all!
296
00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:36,336
Look, I don't even know
What you're worried about.
297
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,038
This professor's probably
Not even hitting on you.
298
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,239
Ohh.
299
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,811
[ gasps ]
300
00:10:40,811 --> 00:10:42,913
Was that such a good thing
To say to me right now?
301
00:10:42,913 --> 00:10:43,944
No.
302
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,776
Yes? No?
I don't know. I don't know!
303
00:10:45,776 --> 00:10:46,747
Just tell me
What you want me to say, deb.
304
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:47,878
I'll say it. Go ahead.
305
00:10:47,878 --> 00:10:49,750
Okay, well,
That is the problem, marty,
306
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,221
Because you say what you think
I want to hear
307
00:10:51,221 --> 00:10:53,724
Instead of what you really feel
Until it's too late!
308
00:10:53,724 --> 00:10:55,886
Too late for what?!
[ door slams ]
309
00:10:55,886 --> 00:10:58,729
Damn, I'm like charlie brown
With the football.
310
00:10:58,729 --> 00:10:59,760
[ sighs ]
311
00:11:01,231 --> 00:11:02,733
[ clatter ]
[ gasps ]
312
00:11:02,733 --> 00:11:04,765
Dick,
What have you done?!
313
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:07,337
I'm not the one who left
The garage door closed!
314
00:11:07,337 --> 00:11:09,399
Take some responsibility,
Jackie!
315
00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:11,902
Children are a blessing.
Children are a blessing.
316
00:11:11,902 --> 00:11:13,003
Children are a blessing.
317
00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:14,805
Marty: come on, deb.
318
00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:16,947
Come on! Wait!
319
00:11:16,947 --> 00:11:18,448
Amber, how do I look?
320
00:11:18,448 --> 00:11:19,750
Terrible.
321
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:21,151
Thank you!
322
00:11:21,151 --> 00:11:23,453
[ animals calling ]
323
00:11:23,453 --> 00:11:25,786
[ sighs ]
324
00:11:28,919 --> 00:11:30,420
You okay?
325
00:11:32,262 --> 00:11:35,025
You want to watch
"Love actually"?
326
00:11:35,025 --> 00:11:36,727
You know, for work.
327
00:11:36,727 --> 00:11:39,229
I would like that
Very much.
328
00:11:42,432 --> 00:11:44,735
All right, son.
329
00:11:46,777 --> 00:11:47,938
Voilà!
330
00:11:47,938 --> 00:11:51,842
You got me
Defunct technology?
331
00:11:51,842 --> 00:11:53,183
No,
I made you a mix tape.
332
00:11:53,183 --> 00:11:55,015
Sometimes you just need
A good breakup song
333
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,787
To stew in your emotions
334
00:11:56,787 --> 00:11:58,118
Until you disgust yourself
And move on.
335
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:01,191
This contains taylor swift's
Breakup songs to joe jonas,
336
00:12:01,191 --> 00:12:03,493
Taylor lautner,
Jake gyllenhaal, john mayer,
337
00:12:03,493 --> 00:12:07,327
And, my personal favorite,
Frog voice eddie redmayne.
338
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,229
Father!
What?!
He ruined "Les mis"!
339
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,831
Excessive close-ups
Ruined "Les mis,"
340
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,032
But that's not the point.
341
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,204
I don't care about
Taylor swift's heartbreaks.
342
00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:16,066
She isn't feeling
The hurt I'm feeling.
343
00:12:16,066 --> 00:12:18,068
No one has ever felt
The hurt that I'm feeling!
344
00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:19,109
Oh, I don't know.
345
00:12:19,109 --> 00:12:20,911
She was pretty messed up
After mayer.
346
00:12:20,911 --> 00:12:22,042
That's it.
347
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,743
I should write my own
Breakup song.
348
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,745
I need to express
My totally unique
349
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,047
And once-in-a-lifetime
Pain.
350
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,849
And perform it
For the masses!
351
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,450
Wait, what?
352
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,482
Carl, we'll need the stage
Cleared.
353
00:12:32,482 --> 00:12:33,984
We don't have a stage.
354
00:12:33,984 --> 00:12:36,056
Then build it, carl!
355
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:38,758
Ugh, carl is the worst.
The worst.
356
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:39,830
Carl!
357
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,065
[ sighs ]
358
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,197
[ clattering ]
359
00:12:47,197 --> 00:12:49,069
Way to go, genius.
360
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,771
Dick, I cannot take
This behavior anymore.
361
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,073
It's time for you
To go back to being
362
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,405
That delightful,
Rambunctious, fanciful dick
363
00:12:55,405 --> 00:12:56,877
We all know and love.
364
00:12:56,877 --> 00:13:00,210
Oh, save it for reggie.
He's everyone's favorite.
365
00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:01,952
What?
Goodbye forever.
366
00:13:01,952 --> 00:13:03,183
I'm running away.
367
00:13:06,356 --> 00:13:08,358
[ grunting ]
368
00:13:08,358 --> 00:13:10,390
Um...Dick?
369
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,062
[ grunting ]
370
00:13:12,062 --> 00:13:14,224
What are you doing?
Are you swimming?
371
00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:15,265
[ grunts ]
372
00:13:15,265 --> 00:13:16,226
I don't think --
[ clang ]
373
00:13:16,226 --> 00:13:17,868
Well, it's a good try,
Anyway.
374
00:13:22,472 --> 00:13:24,074
[ sighs ]
I'll be in my room.
375
00:13:24,074 --> 00:13:27,077
[ sighing ] Oh, boy.
376
00:13:27,077 --> 00:13:28,238
[ romantic music playing ]
377
00:13:28,238 --> 00:13:29,579
These movies
Make me crazy.
378
00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:32,012
If these people would just
Tell each other how they feel,
379
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,213
Then everything
Would be okay.
380
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,384
I know, right?
381
00:13:34,384 --> 00:13:36,086
If "Walking dead" guy
Would have just told
382
00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:37,918
"Pirates of the caribbean" girl
That he loved her
383
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,219
Before she went
And married that dude
384
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,021
From "12 years a slave,"
385
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:44,494
Maybe he wouldn't be all alone,
Wondering, "What if?"
386
00:13:44,494 --> 00:13:45,956
Jerk.
387
00:13:45,956 --> 00:13:48,228
Then again, the movie
Would be over in five minutes.
388
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:51,101
Right, then they don't get to
Storm into some crowded room
389
00:13:51,101 --> 00:13:53,003
And profess their love
For each other
390
00:13:53,003 --> 00:13:55,105
In front of
Complete strangers
391
00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:58,608
In some fake, unrealistic way
As the music swells.
392
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:03,013
In portuguese.
393
00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:04,174
What if I made a mistake
394
00:14:04,174 --> 00:14:06,116
Not telling reggie
How I feel about him?
395
00:14:06,116 --> 00:14:09,079
Is that why
You've been avoiding him?
396
00:14:09,079 --> 00:14:12,482
Maybe.
What happened with mom?
397
00:14:12,482 --> 00:14:13,553
She asked me to tell her
398
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,225
What I found unattractive
About her.
399
00:14:15,225 --> 00:14:17,387
And I-I told her,
"Nothing, nothing."
400
00:14:17,387 --> 00:14:19,930
Then she started
Yelling at me
401
00:14:19,930 --> 00:14:22,232
For not communicating
Well enough.
402
00:14:22,232 --> 00:14:24,334
So I told her I didn't like her
As a blonde.
403
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:27,037
Oh, good. So, like,
The worst answer ever.
404
00:14:27,037 --> 00:14:28,438
Yeah, maybe.
405
00:14:28,438 --> 00:14:31,241
You should
Go talk to reggie.
You should go talk to mom.
406
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,305
[ chuckles ]
407
00:14:35,305 --> 00:14:37,307
Hey, amber,
This was nice,
408
00:14:37,307 --> 00:14:40,610
This whole
"You and me talking" thing.
409
00:14:40,610 --> 00:14:43,453
Yeah, we should do it again.
You know, for work.
410
00:14:43,453 --> 00:14:45,986
Right.
411
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,357
Oh,
And just between us...
412
00:14:47,357 --> 00:14:52,022
If I was reggie, I would
Take you back in a heartbeat.
413
00:14:52,022 --> 00:14:54,224
That's weird.
414
00:14:54,224 --> 00:14:56,196
Sorry.
415
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,498
Oh, also, just between us,
When mom was a blonde,
416
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,630
She looked like a waitress
From fort lauderdale.
417
00:15:00,630 --> 00:15:03,033
I know, right?!
[ sighs ]
418
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:05,905
That's like having food stuck
In your teeth for six years
419
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,278
And the person
That you are closest to
420
00:15:08,278 --> 00:15:11,041
Just lets you sit there
Looking like an idiot!
421
00:15:11,041 --> 00:15:12,682
I wish he'd just
Speak his mind!
422
00:15:12,682 --> 00:15:14,684
[ door opens ]
[ sighs ]
423
00:15:14,684 --> 00:15:17,587
I don't like your
Lime-green toenail polish.
424
00:15:17,587 --> 00:15:19,119
It creeps me out.
425
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,421
I don't like when you throw
Around random italian words.
426
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,593
I get it.
You wanted to live in italy.
427
00:15:23,593 --> 00:15:26,126
I don't like
At the end of a movie trailer
428
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,258
When you say,
"Oh, that's not gonna be good."
429
00:15:28,258 --> 00:15:29,659
How do you know?
430
00:15:29,659 --> 00:15:32,702
I don't like those one-piece
Short pants/skirt combo things.
431
00:15:32,702 --> 00:15:35,105
Rompers.
Yeah, you like
A stretched-out dwarf.
432
00:15:35,105 --> 00:15:37,237
I don't like
That I'm sitting here right now.
433
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:39,109
Most of all...
434
00:15:39,109 --> 00:15:40,370
I don't like
When I hurt your feelings.
435
00:15:40,370 --> 00:15:42,372
Oh, marty.
436
00:15:42,372 --> 00:15:43,543
I don't want you
To feel like
437
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,215
You got to hide things
From me.
438
00:15:45,215 --> 00:15:47,477
I want
Your honest opinion.
439
00:15:47,477 --> 00:15:51,221
Back at home
When we're alone.
440
00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:52,382
Oh, I'm sorry.
441
00:15:52,382 --> 00:15:54,154
I overdid it
On the "Love actually" today.
442
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,585
I almost did this whole thing
In portuguese.
443
00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:57,657
Oh, did amber watch with you?!
Did she cry?!
444
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,259
She watched.
She didn't cry.
445
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,960
Oh.
But we had a great moment.
446
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,132
Oh, I'm excited.
Yeah.
447
00:16:02,132 --> 00:16:03,463
Can we wrap this up,
Maybe?
448
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:07,637
And you!
Stop hitting on my hot wife!
449
00:16:07,637 --> 00:16:10,240
Trust me,
No longer an issue.
450
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,472
Arrivederci. You're right.
That does sound awful.
451
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,304
Know what a widget is?
No, what's a widget?
452
00:16:14,304 --> 00:16:16,346
What the hell's a widget?!
It's in your syllabus!
453
00:16:18,008 --> 00:16:21,351
Why would you ever think that
Reggie jackson is our favorite?
454
00:16:21,351 --> 00:16:22,582
Oh, I don't know --
455
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,614
Maybe 'cause he goes through
One breakup
456
00:16:24,614 --> 00:16:26,716
And suddenly everyone forgets
The butkus!
457
00:16:26,716 --> 00:16:29,989
Dick,
You're feeling left out.
458
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,021
Ding, ding, ding!
459
00:16:31,021 --> 00:16:32,322
Detective obvious
Cracks the case!
460
00:16:32,322 --> 00:16:35,025
Well, trust me, son.
I know the feeling.
461
00:16:35,025 --> 00:16:37,167
Once a year,
Your father and reggie jackson
462
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:38,668
Have a very special bond
463
00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:41,271
That I will never,
Ever understand -- ever.
464
00:16:41,271 --> 00:16:42,732
Tell me about it.
465
00:16:42,732 --> 00:16:45,004
But I will let you in
On a little secret.
466
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,778
I do have a favorite,
And it's you.
467
00:16:48,778 --> 00:16:50,580
Girl, please.
468
00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:52,011
No, seriously.
469
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,414
You have no idea
How much I need you right now.
470
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,347
You're not a "Weep at
The drop of a hat" man yet.
471
00:16:57,347 --> 00:16:59,519
Ugh! Men are the worst.
472
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,520
Hmm.
473
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,052
But, dick,
The only reason
474
00:17:02,052 --> 00:17:03,793
That I pay reggie jackson
And your father
475
00:17:03,793 --> 00:17:07,157
So much more attention
Is because they need it.
476
00:17:07,157 --> 00:17:10,160
You are my strong,
Little ginger boo --
477
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,303
And the one I have the most
In common with in this family.
478
00:17:13,303 --> 00:17:16,166
[ sighs ]
Sorry for being such a man.
479
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:17,267
Bump it out?
480
00:17:21,311 --> 00:17:24,774
Say, dick, you'll still
Want to hang out with me
481
00:17:24,774 --> 00:17:27,247
In 400 years once you start
Having your cycle, won't you?
482
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:32,182
Oh, mother, let's not ruin
This moment with insecurity.
483
00:17:32,182 --> 00:17:33,483
[ indistinct conversations ]
484
00:17:33,483 --> 00:17:36,156
Are you sure this is
The best way to get over amber?
485
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,288
Son, all I know is that
Once a year,
486
00:17:38,288 --> 00:17:41,461
We zabvronian men have a unique
Perspective on the world.
487
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,464
Unlike human males
Who replace their emotions
488
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:46,796
With machismo
And meaningless grunts,
489
00:17:46,796 --> 00:17:51,541
We can actually show our
Feelings in all their raw glory!
490
00:17:51,541 --> 00:17:54,374
Now get on that mike and...
491
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,805
Let yourself go!
492
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:03,813
Welcome to larry bird's
Open mike.
493
00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:06,686
Tonight, prepare for something
You've never seen before.
494
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,718
Someone will
Self-centeredly work through
495
00:18:08,718 --> 00:18:13,263
Their failed relationship issues
Through song in a coffee shop.
496
00:18:13,263 --> 00:18:19,399
Now, put your hands together
For my son, reggie jackson!
497
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,801
[ applause ]
498
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,109
[ guitar plays ]
499
00:18:33,783 --> 00:18:36,146
♪ is it that I'm sad? ♪
500
00:18:36,146 --> 00:18:38,618
♪ or is it just the hormones? ♪
501
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,720
♪ you don't return my texts ♪
502
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,623
♪ and I know you have
A cellphone ♪
503
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,456
♪ amber ♪
504
00:18:46,456 --> 00:18:50,129
♪ I'm better off alone ♪
505
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,462
[ harmonica plays ]
506
00:18:57,707 --> 00:19:00,470
♪ we're from different worlds ♪
507
00:19:00,470 --> 00:19:03,313
♪ doomed from the start ♪
508
00:19:03,313 --> 00:19:06,216
♪ destiny has shown ♪
509
00:19:06,216 --> 00:19:08,818
♪ we're meant to be apart ♪
510
00:19:08,818 --> 00:19:12,322
♪ amber ♪
511
00:19:12,322 --> 00:19:15,154
♪ amber, I'm moving on ♪
512
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,557
[ harmonica plays ]
513
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,159
♪ the universe is right ♪
514
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,663
♪ we should never date ♪
515
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,836
[ harmonica plays ]
516
00:19:26,836 --> 00:19:28,368
♪ no ♪
517
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:31,301
♪ the universe is wrong ♪
518
00:19:31,301 --> 00:19:32,642
♪ it's you ♪
519
00:19:32,642 --> 00:19:37,847
♪ you're my soul mate ♪
520
00:19:37,847 --> 00:19:40,179
[ applause ]
521
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,386
She left.
522
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,718
I played her my song,
And s-she left.
523
00:19:48,718 --> 00:19:52,262
Oh, I shouldn't have
Pushed you to do that.
524
00:19:52,262 --> 00:19:54,224
Why are my speeches
So rousing?
525
00:19:54,224 --> 00:19:56,326
Amber doesn't care
How I feel.
526
00:19:56,326 --> 00:19:58,328
She doesn't care
About me.
527
00:19:58,328 --> 00:19:59,669
[ sighs ]
528
00:19:59,669 --> 00:20:01,231
Please tell me
It hurts this bad
529
00:20:01,231 --> 00:20:02,472
Because it's our time
Of the year.
530
00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:04,304
Oh, I don't know, son.
531
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,976
Oh, it's all
So unbearably heartbreaking.
532
00:20:06,976 --> 00:20:08,978
Maybe we'll feel
Like this forever.
533
00:20:08,978 --> 00:20:10,310
[ ding! ]
534
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:13,283
Oh.
Oh, my cycle's completed.
535
00:20:13,283 --> 00:20:14,314
Whew!
536
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,985
Do I feel better!
537
00:20:15,985 --> 00:20:17,647
Oh!
Onwards and upwards.
538
00:20:17,647 --> 00:20:19,489
There's plenty of more fish
In the sea,
539
00:20:19,489 --> 00:20:20,820
So get back on
That horse.
540
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,652
Am I right?
You know what I mean?
541
00:20:22,652 --> 00:20:23,953
Bump it out!
542
00:20:23,953 --> 00:20:25,325
No?
543
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,627
Oh, reggie,
Rub some dirt in it and move on.
544
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,329
[ sighs ]
545
00:20:32,802 --> 00:20:34,964
[ sighs ]
546
00:20:34,964 --> 00:20:36,506
[ cheers and applause ]
547
00:20:36,506 --> 00:20:38,508
For god sakes,
Is there anyone
548
00:20:38,508 --> 00:20:40,670
That hugh grant
Doesn't have chemistry with?
549
00:20:40,670 --> 00:20:42,342
You could put him
Next to a toaster,
550
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,674
And I'd think
They belong together.
551
00:20:44,674 --> 00:20:46,516
That explains
Andie macdowell.
552
00:20:46,516 --> 00:20:47,877
Quick question.
553
00:20:47,877 --> 00:20:49,879
Who brings out
Hugh grant's best qualities --
554
00:20:49,879 --> 00:20:52,722
Drew barrymore, sandra bullock,
Or julia roberts?
555
00:20:52,722 --> 00:20:53,823
Trick question.
556
00:20:53,823 --> 00:20:54,754
Hugh brings out
His own best qualities.
557
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:55,925
Correct.
You get a scoop.
558
00:20:55,925 --> 00:20:57,627
Sweet. [ sighs ]
559
00:20:57,627 --> 00:20:59,759
Ooh, hey, guys.
560
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:02,832
Is there anyone hugh grant
Doesn't have chemistry with?
561
00:21:02,832 --> 00:21:04,864
[ chuckles ]
562
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:05,965
Grab a spoon.
40576
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