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1
00:00:01,472 --> 00:00:03,174
[ timer dings ]
2
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:15,146
Hey, so, the kids gave me
Their final christmas list.
3
00:00:15,146 --> 00:00:16,487
What's the damage?
4
00:00:16,487 --> 00:00:17,588
Well, it's the usual.
5
00:00:17,588 --> 00:00:20,221
Amber wants a new car.
Abby wants a pony.
6
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:23,724
Oh, max wants the girl
From the "Blurred lines" video.
7
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,725
Oh. Which one?
8
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:25,796
What?
There's more than one?
9
00:00:25,796 --> 00:00:28,229
Yuletide greetings,
Weavers!
10
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,200
Hey.
11
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,231
I just got
Your family gift,
12
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,502
And I think
You're going to love it.
13
00:00:31,502 --> 00:00:34,105
Also, we were wondering
If we could borrow a wreath
14
00:00:34,105 --> 00:00:36,767
And a tree, some decorations,
Some wrapping paper.
15
00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:38,209
Some lights.
Maybe some lights.
16
00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:39,670
Oh, sorry, buddy.
17
00:00:39,670 --> 00:00:41,612
But we have our own christmas
To get ready for. Right, hon?
18
00:00:41,612 --> 00:00:42,613
Let me see that.
19
00:00:42,613 --> 00:00:45,776
A car? A pony?
[ chuckles ]
20
00:00:45,776 --> 00:00:48,279
Sounds like you should get your
Children jobs for christmas.
21
00:00:48,279 --> 00:00:52,123
Says the man living off his
Wife's taco kingdom paycheck.
22
00:00:52,123 --> 00:00:54,585
These first few things on
The list are just distractions.
23
00:00:54,585 --> 00:00:56,257
See, they like to
Shock us with things
24
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,488
They know they can't get,
25
00:00:57,488 --> 00:00:59,190
This way, the rest of the list
Seems reasonable.
26
00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:00,631
It's actually
Kind of brilliant.
27
00:01:00,631 --> 00:01:02,363
And those
First few minutes
28
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,364
When those devious
Little monsters
29
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:04,735
Are opening their gifts,
30
00:01:04,735 --> 00:01:07,268
Those are some of the happiest
Moments of my entire year.
31
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:08,339
So, I want to make sure
32
00:01:08,339 --> 00:01:10,671
I'm getting them exactly
What they want.
33
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:13,104
Oh, sounds fun.
You know what we do?
34
00:01:13,104 --> 00:01:15,276
We actually pay attention
To our children,
35
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:18,279
That way we don't need a list
To know what they want.
36
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:19,310
So, father,
Does this mean
37
00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:20,681
I'm getting an ant farm
For christmas?
38
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,683
What?! Ant farm?!
39
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,216
Don't be stupid.
You want a train set.
40
00:01:25,216 --> 00:01:26,257
Ohh.
41
00:01:26,257 --> 00:01:27,358
What's wrong
With an ant farm?
42
00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:28,559
It's a great toy
For a boy dick's age.
43
00:01:28,559 --> 00:01:29,560
It's educational.
44
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,262
Yeah, I had one
When I was a kid.
45
00:01:31,262 --> 00:01:32,523
Oh, is that
Why you grew up to be
46
00:01:32,523 --> 00:01:34,295
One of the world's
Leading scientific researchers?
47
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:37,228
Oh, no, wait.
You sell high chairs.
48
00:01:37,228 --> 00:01:39,230
Son, you will get
What I give you,
49
00:01:39,230 --> 00:01:40,701
And you will be
Delighted by it.
50
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,473
But, father, I --
Delighted!
51
00:01:42,473 --> 00:01:43,674
Crap.
52
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:46,137
Great parenting,
There, lar.
53
00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:48,139
Excuse me,
But I'll have you know
54
00:01:48,139 --> 00:01:50,181
That I have a mug
In my house
55
00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:52,383
That says I am
The world's greatest father.
56
00:01:52,383 --> 00:01:54,715
He does.
He bought it himself.
57
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,887
And they wouldn't sell it to me
If it wasn't true.
58
00:01:56,887 --> 00:01:59,150
That would be illegal.
It's true.
59
00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:02,223
Well, larry, I have a mug
That says I'm mrs. Clooney.
60
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,224
[ gasps ]
61
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,595
Oh, no.
I'm okay with it.
62
00:02:04,595 --> 00:02:08,499
♪ we came from outer space
And settled in new jersey ♪
63
00:02:08,499 --> 00:02:12,333
♪ we took names like larry bird
And jackie joyner-kersee ♪
64
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:14,335
♪ then the humans
Moved next door ♪
65
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,507
♪ started testing
All our limits ♪
66
00:02:16,507 --> 00:02:19,210
♪ so sit right down,
Enjoy the show ♪
67
00:02:19,210 --> 00:02:26,777
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪
68
00:02:26,777 --> 00:02:28,749
And a merry christmas,
Everybody!
69
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,751
[ all shouting ]
70
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,253
Child: merry christmas!
And there you are!
71
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,855
I can't wait to show you
All the gifts I made.
72
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,357
I thought we agreed
Not to do too much.
73
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,289
Yeah, we did.
74
00:02:38,289 --> 00:02:39,760
But it's our first christmas
As a couple,
75
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,432
And I want it
To be special.
76
00:02:41,432 --> 00:02:42,933
And I'm okay
That you're not comfortable
77
00:02:42,933 --> 00:02:44,535
With the whole
Gift-giving thing.
78
00:02:44,535 --> 00:02:45,866
Reggie, when you do more for me
Than I do for you,
79
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,238
I don't love it.
80
00:02:47,238 --> 00:02:48,769
It makes me feel
Like a crappy girlfriend.
81
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,201
It does?
82
00:02:50,201 --> 00:02:52,543
Yeah. A little.
83
00:02:52,543 --> 00:02:55,175
It's okay. Just maybe
Take it down a notch.
84
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,307
It's only christmas.
85
00:02:56,307 --> 00:02:57,908
[ gasping ]
86
00:02:57,908 --> 00:03:00,281
It's on--
[ snorts ]
87
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,182
Kid with the crutches
Dies.
88
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,484
Wha...
89
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,957
What is larry's deal?
90
00:03:06,957 --> 00:03:09,490
Why won't he get dick
What he wants for christmas?
91
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:10,821
Honestly, hon,
92
00:03:10,821 --> 00:03:12,192
I don't think it's gonna be
The kid's biggest issue.
93
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,965
He's so stern with dick
And set in his ways.
94
00:03:14,965 --> 00:03:16,196
And with jackie working,
95
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,329
Larry is dick's
Primary influence,
96
00:03:18,329 --> 00:03:20,701
And he's so inflexible
And demanding
97
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,203
And just so
Frigging weird.
98
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:26,206
I mean, why would
He choose his own human form
99
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,208
But still need
To wear glasses?
100
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,209
You ever think of that?
101
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,381
Huh. That is weird.
102
00:03:30,381 --> 00:03:31,642
Right?
Yeah.
103
00:03:31,642 --> 00:03:34,214
I'm getting dick
That ant farm.
104
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,416
Oh, no, no!
Please, honey, no.
105
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,548
How larry raises his son
Is none of our business.
106
00:03:37,548 --> 00:03:40,251
Hey, dad.
Can I talk to you for a second?
107
00:03:40,251 --> 00:03:43,324
Yeah.
What's up, buddy?
108
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:44,655
Okay, there's something
I want for christmas
109
00:03:44,655 --> 00:03:45,996
That I didn't
Put on my list.
110
00:03:45,996 --> 00:03:47,558
Okay.
111
00:03:47,558 --> 00:03:48,999
I want
A princess leia doll.
112
00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:51,962
A doll?
Oh, like an action figure?
113
00:03:51,962 --> 00:03:54,835
No. A princess leia doll.
Understand?
114
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,439
Uh-huh. I think so.
Yeah.
115
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,541
Cool.
116
00:04:02,273 --> 00:04:04,415
Interesting.
117
00:04:04,415 --> 00:04:06,417
Can you say something
Helpful, please?
118
00:04:06,417 --> 00:04:08,549
Oh, he probably
Just thinks it's hot.
119
00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,250
It's nothing
To worry about.
120
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,324
When you were his age,
You wanted a-a easy-bake oven.
121
00:04:13,324 --> 00:04:14,385
Yeah, but then
Christmas morning,
122
00:04:14,385 --> 00:04:15,956
My father smashed it
With a baseball bat
123
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,559
And said, "Merry christmas,
Martha. Here's a bat."
124
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:21,792
So, then, don't be like
Your dad, and buy him a doll.
125
00:04:21,792 --> 00:04:24,535
You know what?
You're right.
126
00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:25,966
I'm not my dad.
127
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,538
All right,
What's the big deal?
128
00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:29,770
If my son wants a doll,
Then I'm gonna get him a doll.
129
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,442
You know what?
I'll get him 100 dolls.
130
00:04:31,442 --> 00:04:33,003
Pretty ones.
131
00:04:33,003 --> 00:04:37,978
Or, you know,
Just the one doll for our son.
132
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,780
[ doorbell rings ]
133
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,012
Hello, jane.
134
00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:44,585
How's my son's
Intergalactic soul mate?
135
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:45,916
Good. Busy.
136
00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:48,389
Takes a lot of hard work
To look this good.
What?
137
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,060
No, I'm just kidding.
It's super easy.
138
00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:51,392
[ laughs ]
Hello, jane.
139
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,724
Thank you, mother.
140
00:04:53,724 --> 00:04:54,725
Hi, reggie.
141
00:04:54,725 --> 00:04:55,766
I just wanted to come by
142
00:04:55,766 --> 00:04:56,867
And give you
Your christmas present.
143
00:04:56,867 --> 00:05:00,030
Oh. Thank you.
I'm sure this is --
144
00:05:00,030 --> 00:05:01,332
Perfect.
145
00:05:01,332 --> 00:05:02,403
It's something
You've been
146
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,934
Subconsciously wanting
For awhile now.
147
00:05:03,934 --> 00:05:05,706
I brought it with me
From zabvron.
148
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,538
And who knows?
Maybe when you're ready,
149
00:05:07,538 --> 00:05:09,480
We can go back there together
And start a family.
150
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:13,544
Who knows what the universe
Has in store for us?
151
00:05:13,544 --> 00:05:15,015
Merry christmas, reggie.
152
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,017
Merry christmas.
I love you.
153
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,101
[ doorbell rings ]
154
00:05:32,963 --> 00:05:34,334
This is terrible.
155
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,806
Is it
Gwyneth paltrow's head?
156
00:05:35,806 --> 00:05:37,007
Because I'd be
Okay with that.
157
00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:39,710
It's reggie jackson's
Christmas gift from jane.
158
00:05:39,710 --> 00:05:41,041
She brought it with her
From zabvron,
159
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,673
And I think
He's going to love it.
160
00:05:42,673 --> 00:05:45,646
Okay, well, thanks for
Stopping by and freaking me out.
161
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,618
Listen, storm cloud, I have
Accepted that reggie jackson
162
00:05:47,618 --> 00:05:49,079
Will eventually end up
With a woman.
163
00:05:49,079 --> 00:05:51,622
If that has to happen,
I would much rather
164
00:05:51,622 --> 00:05:53,484
That it's a sullen pain
In the tokus from next door
165
00:05:53,484 --> 00:05:54,955
Over the pollyanna
Soul mate
166
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,727
Who wants to take him
To another planet.
167
00:05:56,727 --> 00:05:58,489
So,
What are you saying?
168
00:05:58,489 --> 00:05:59,930
I want to
Take you shopping
169
00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:02,132
To get reggie jackson
The perfect christmas gift.
170
00:06:02,132 --> 00:06:04,535
Is this the first conversation
We've ever had?
171
00:06:04,535 --> 00:06:06,997
Yes, I think so.
172
00:06:06,997 --> 00:06:08,839
How's it going so far?
173
00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:10,671
I'll let you know.
I'm on the fence.
174
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:14,845
♪ stille nacht ♪
175
00:06:14,845 --> 00:06:16,977
♪ heilige nacht ♪
176
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,009
Father, I was
Hoping to talk to you again
177
00:06:19,009 --> 00:06:20,380
About the ant farm.
178
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,883
It's not happening.
Here. Check this out.
179
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,386
I got your mother that
Video camera she's been wanting.
180
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,918
[ camera beeps ]
Wait a second.
181
00:06:27,918 --> 00:06:29,420
[ sniffing ]
182
00:06:30,861 --> 00:06:33,594
Is that a train set?
183
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,926
No, it's an ant farm
I sprayed with train scent.
184
00:06:35,926 --> 00:06:37,928
Yes.
It's a train set.
185
00:06:37,928 --> 00:06:39,700
Now it won't be
A surprise.
186
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:42,032
Father, train sets
Are for 6-year-olds
187
00:06:42,032 --> 00:06:43,904
And impotent
Middle-aged men
188
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,937
Looking to spend less time
With their wives.
189
00:06:46,937 --> 00:06:48,779
Dick, I'm not
Getting you an ant farm.
190
00:06:48,779 --> 00:06:50,010
You're better than that.
191
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,782
I'm taking this up
With santa.
192
00:06:52,983 --> 00:06:56,587
[ chuckles ]
193
00:06:56,587 --> 00:06:58,749
What he doesn't know
Is this.
194
00:06:58,749 --> 00:07:01,992
I did spray it
With train scent.
195
00:07:01,992 --> 00:07:05,155
I've been working on this
Ant farm for months.
196
00:07:05,155 --> 00:07:08,859
Actually, it's not
Just an ant farm.
197
00:07:08,859 --> 00:07:10,761
It's a plantation.
[ laughs ]
198
00:07:10,761 --> 00:07:13,033
It's -- it's an "Antation."
[ laughs ]
199
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:16,166
Oh, good lord.
What is this?
200
00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:18,438
[ gasps ]
201
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,741
It must be for me.
[ laughs ]
202
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,674
Who else could it be for?
[ sighs ]
203
00:07:23,674 --> 00:07:24,675
[ knock on door ]
204
00:07:24,675 --> 00:07:27,047
Hang on, katie.
What's up?
205
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,649
Abby,
I need your help.
206
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,681
I really want to get amber
Something perfect for christmas,
207
00:07:30,681 --> 00:07:32,052
And since you know more
208
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,224
About what's going on
In this house than anyone else,
209
00:07:34,224 --> 00:07:36,086
I was hoping
You could help me?
210
00:07:36,086 --> 00:07:37,087
[ sighs ]
211
00:07:37,087 --> 00:07:38,228
I'm going to
Have to call you back.
212
00:07:38,228 --> 00:07:40,661
I've got some drama
To deal with here.
213
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,763
My sister's boyfriend.
214
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,495
Yeah, the one
You thought was gay.
215
00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:47,137
Come on.
216
00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:52,673
Thanks for bringing me
To see santa.
217
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,505
Oh,
That's no problem.
218
00:07:54,505 --> 00:07:58,509
Okay. I'm gonna go
Buy my son a doll.
219
00:07:58,509 --> 00:08:00,080
Am I doing
The right thing here, dick?
220
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,912
I'm about to go
Tell a fat stranger
221
00:08:01,912 --> 00:08:04,054
That I've been a good boy
And ask him for some insects.
222
00:08:04,054 --> 00:08:06,687
I think we're all just feeling
Our way through this one.
223
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,088
That's well said.
224
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:12,663
Ho ho ho ho.
225
00:08:12,663 --> 00:08:15,095
You reek of gin.
226
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:17,998
Hello, young man.
227
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,900
Would you like to
Hop up here
228
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,002
And tell santa
What you want for christmas?
229
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,734
I don't have time
For your nonsense.
230
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:25,175
I know you're not
The real santa.
231
00:08:25,175 --> 00:08:28,008
Tell santa that dick butkus
Was good all year,
232
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,180
And all I want
Is an ant farm.
233
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,542
Can you do that?
234
00:08:31,542 --> 00:08:33,083
I guess so.
Thanks.
235
00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:34,514
Here's $20.
236
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,146
They're having a sale
On deodorant downstairs.
237
00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:42,052
Ho ho ho!
238
00:08:44,194 --> 00:08:46,056
Is that all for max?
239
00:08:46,056 --> 00:08:48,158
Yeah, I started looking
At the girls' toys.
240
00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:50,300
They are way more inspiring
Than the boys' toys.
241
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:52,933
Did you know that barbie has,
Like, 100 jobs?
242
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:56,737
Well, I also went shopping
And got dick an ant farm.
243
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,709
Deb.
244
00:08:58,709 --> 00:09:00,941
I know. I know. You told me
To mind my own business.
245
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,112
But bad father or not,
246
00:09:02,112 --> 00:09:04,244
I am not gonna let larry
Ruin dick's christmas.
247
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:08,078
Marty, did dick leave
His pager in your car?
248
00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:10,751
He might have left it
In 1997, larry.
249
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:11,982
I'll check.
250
00:09:11,982 --> 00:09:14,825
[ sniffing ]
251
00:09:14,825 --> 00:09:15,826
Hang on a second.
252
00:09:15,826 --> 00:09:20,190
Is that...An ant farm?!
253
00:09:20,190 --> 00:09:22,162
What?
254
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,065
It's my favorite present ever.
Thank you, deborah.
255
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,767
What is
The meaning of this?
256
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:27,968
Larry, I know you s--
257
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,801
No, you know nothing.
Nothing!
258
00:09:30,801 --> 00:09:33,604
Dick, can I see
That ant farm, please?
259
00:09:33,604 --> 00:09:34,745
Yeah, sure.
Oh, thank you.
260
00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:35,746
Here.
261
00:09:35,746 --> 00:09:38,078
Oh, yes.
That is nice.
262
00:09:44,054 --> 00:09:46,056
[ glass shatters ]
[ sighs ]
263
00:09:46,056 --> 00:09:49,189
Sorry. I think I just
Stepped on your ant farm.
264
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,692
It was an "Antcident."
265
00:09:55,165 --> 00:09:57,267
What the hell, larry?!
266
00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:59,700
I told you -- I didn't want
Dick to have an ant farm.
267
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:02,132
Poor little creatures.
Ew! It's on me!
268
00:10:02,132 --> 00:10:04,334
What gives you the right
To try and raise my children?
269
00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:06,236
I am not trying to
Raise your children.
270
00:10:06,236 --> 00:10:08,008
I'm just trying to help you
Do it better.
271
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,110
I am
An excellent father.
272
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,212
Then why can't dick have
An ant farm for christmas?
273
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,344
Because I --
[ sighs ]
274
00:10:14,344 --> 00:10:15,946
Because I have my reasons.
275
00:10:15,946 --> 00:10:18,618
And since I am his father,
That should be reason enough.
276
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,190
Dick, come on.
Let's go home.
277
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,094
Thank you, debbie.
278
00:10:24,094 --> 00:10:26,857
That 10 seconds
Was the happiest of my life.
279
00:10:26,857 --> 00:10:28,298
Oh, dick.
[ clicks tongue ]
280
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,234
Okay.
281
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,637
So, the first christmas gift
I made for amber is...
282
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,638
[ air hisses ]
283
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,870
What is that?
284
00:10:39,870 --> 00:10:41,241
It's a clone of my heart.
285
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,213
Seriously?
How about a sweater?
286
00:10:43,213 --> 00:10:46,076
Or something not
From the crazytown mall.
287
00:10:46,076 --> 00:10:47,177
But I want to
Make a gesture
288
00:10:47,177 --> 00:10:48,318
That lets her know
That I love her
289
00:10:48,318 --> 00:10:49,920
More than anything else
In this universe.
290
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,322
Have you met amber?
She doesn't want that.
291
00:10:52,322 --> 00:10:53,754
She wants something
292
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,386
That lets her know
That you like her a little.
293
00:10:56,386 --> 00:10:58,689
But I love her a lot.
She knows that.
294
00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,290
But you got to
Think smaller.
295
00:11:00,290 --> 00:11:03,293
And just when you think
You have the perfect thing,
296
00:11:03,293 --> 00:11:05,295
Know that it's wrong
And think smaller.
297
00:11:05,295 --> 00:11:08,298
Do that, like, 10 times.
Then maybe you'll be close.
298
00:11:08,298 --> 00:11:10,170
What about a --
Smaller.
299
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,401
Right.
300
00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:13,103
Now go.
301
00:11:13,103 --> 00:11:16,106
♪ snow is falling,
Winter's calling ♪
302
00:11:16,106 --> 00:11:18,949
♪ christmas ♪
303
00:11:18,949 --> 00:11:21,281
♪ church bells ringing ♪
Fun! Having fun!
304
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:24,114
♪ children singing, christmas ♪
We should
Hang out more often.
305
00:11:24,114 --> 00:11:26,256
See a movie
Or take a pottery class.
306
00:11:26,256 --> 00:11:28,388
All right,
Calm down, spaz.
Mm-hmm.
307
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,020
What about paint?
308
00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,261
Oh?
309
00:11:31,261 --> 00:11:33,023
Glow-in-the-dark paint.
That's interesting, right?
310
00:11:33,023 --> 00:11:34,795
It's crafty, unexpected.
311
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:35,966
Oh, sure.
312
00:11:35,966 --> 00:11:37,227
I can always guarantee
That reggie jackson
313
00:11:37,227 --> 00:11:39,229
Is not expecting
For you to give him
314
00:11:39,229 --> 00:11:41,231
A jar of paint
For christmas.
315
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,304
What about a lamp?
316
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,476
Reggie enjoys
Light and seeing things.
317
00:11:46,476 --> 00:11:48,138
Sure.
318
00:11:48,138 --> 00:11:49,139
I mean,
It's not something
319
00:11:49,139 --> 00:11:50,480
He's been
Subconsciously wanting
320
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,312
That was brought across
The galaxy by his soul mate,
321
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,284
But it is a lamp.
322
00:11:54,284 --> 00:11:56,847
Well, I can't get him
Normal boyfriend gifts.
323
00:11:56,847 --> 00:11:58,488
I can't get him clothes
Because your entire family
324
00:11:58,488 --> 00:12:01,021
Dresses like vijay singh
At a gospel brunch,
325
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,153
And I can't get him a book,
Because he's on a cleanse.
326
00:12:03,153 --> 00:12:05,195
I have no idea
What to get him.
327
00:12:05,195 --> 00:12:07,257
I'm, like,
The worst girlfriend ever.
328
00:12:07,257 --> 00:12:09,359
Amber.
329
00:12:09,359 --> 00:12:11,902
He's not expecting for you
To give him the whole universe.
330
00:12:11,902 --> 00:12:15,365
He just wants something that
Lets him know you care.
331
00:12:15,365 --> 00:12:17,908
Fine.
332
00:12:17,908 --> 00:12:19,209
Then I'm going with
The lamp and the paint.
333
00:12:19,209 --> 00:12:22,512
Oh. Okay.
334
00:12:22,512 --> 00:12:24,514
[ "Deck the halls" plays ]
335
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,223
Rarity!
She's my favorite
336
00:12:33,223 --> 00:12:35,956
Because she only cares about
Her friends and how she looks!
337
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,288
What every mother
Wants to hear.
338
00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:40,260
Where's larry?
He's missing the best part.
339
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,792
Oh, he said he had some
340
00:12:41,792 --> 00:12:43,533
Last-minute christmas elving
To do, whatever that means.
341
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:46,196
Hey, buddy, this is a little
Something just from me.
342
00:12:46,196 --> 00:12:47,367
Go ahead.
343
00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:56,306
Dad, I said
I wanted a princess leia doll!
344
00:12:56,306 --> 00:12:59,009
I know, but I realized
What you were really saying --
345
00:12:59,009 --> 00:13:00,480
That you want to be
Challenged a little bit,
346
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,013
Break out of the traditional
Male-oriented toys
347
00:13:03,013 --> 00:13:04,855
And broaden your horizons.
348
00:13:04,855 --> 00:13:05,956
I get it.
349
00:13:05,956 --> 00:13:08,118
I was saying
I wanted a princess leia --
350
00:13:08,118 --> 00:13:11,291
In a gold bikini,
Because she's hot.
351
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,422
Told you.
352
00:13:12,422 --> 00:13:14,264
[ door opens, closes ]
353
00:13:14,264 --> 00:13:16,226
Merry christmas, everyone!
354
00:13:16,226 --> 00:13:19,269
I come bearing gifts
For the weaver children.
355
00:13:19,269 --> 00:13:22,372
Amber weaver,
Merry christmas.
356
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,036
I got you a prius.
357
00:13:28,438 --> 00:13:31,241
Shut up.
What's happening?
358
00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:34,084
Abby, I'd like you
To meet rarity.
359
00:13:34,084 --> 00:13:37,247
She only cares about her friends
And how she looks.
360
00:13:37,247 --> 00:13:42,422
Oh, my gosh!
A real, live pony!
361
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,394
Larry, what the hell
Are you doing?
362
00:13:44,394 --> 00:13:47,257
Well, I thought about
What you were saying
363
00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:49,099
About me being a bad parent
364
00:13:49,099 --> 00:13:51,261
Because I didn't get dick
Exactly what he wanted
365
00:13:51,261 --> 00:13:52,502
For christmas,
366
00:13:52,502 --> 00:13:54,364
And then I thought about
Your children's lists
367
00:13:54,364 --> 00:13:56,036
And what a bad parent you were
368
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,308
For not getting them
Exactly what they wanted.
369
00:13:58,308 --> 00:14:00,210
So, I just went ahead
And got it for them.
370
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:02,342
Oh, and, uh, max.
371
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,215
Don't think
I've forgotten about you.
372
00:14:05,215 --> 00:14:08,218
[ whistles ]
373
00:14:08,218 --> 00:14:12,282
Help me, max weaver.
You're my only hope.
374
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:20,090
God bless us, every one!
375
00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:22,933
[ chuckles ]
376
00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:23,994
Larry!
377
00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:32,602
Marty: no, you cannot
Keep her in your room.
378
00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:35,275
Oh, come on, dad!
I'll take care of her.
379
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,376
No!
380
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:39,249
Larry, I don't
Even know what to say.
381
00:14:39,249 --> 00:14:40,951
How can you
Afford all this?
382
00:14:40,951 --> 00:14:43,153
Oh, I took out
A second mortgage.
383
00:14:43,153 --> 00:14:45,285
It was worth it
To make a point.
384
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,316
Was it? Was it, larry?
385
00:14:46,316 --> 00:14:47,517
I can't believe
You did this, larry.
386
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:48,658
What?
387
00:14:48,658 --> 00:14:51,591
You've ruined my moment.
I ruined yours.
388
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,263
Okay, you know what, guys?
I am sorry.
389
00:14:53,263 --> 00:14:55,395
But you cannot keep the car
Or the pony or the lady, sorry.
390
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,927
What?
No!
Rarity!
391
00:14:56,927 --> 00:14:58,568
Unbelievable.
392
00:14:58,568 --> 00:15:00,400
Mom, you ruined
Christmas!
393
00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:04,004
Who's a bad parent now?
394
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,337
Need to talk to you,
Larry, out back.
395
00:15:07,337 --> 00:15:09,980
May the horse
Be with you.
396
00:15:17,447 --> 00:15:22,092
This took
A lot of balls, larry.
397
00:15:23,553 --> 00:15:26,256
You open
The box from hell yet?
398
00:15:26,256 --> 00:15:28,558
Not yet.
399
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,964
You know, I struggled
With what to get you.
400
00:15:33,964 --> 00:15:37,437
But with some help, I think
I settled on the perfect thing.
401
00:15:39,509 --> 00:15:41,211
[ rattle ]
402
00:15:41,211 --> 00:15:43,673
A jar
With only the brown ones?
403
00:15:43,673 --> 00:15:45,515
I know you don't trust
The colorful ones.
404
00:15:45,515 --> 00:15:46,977
Chocolate
Should be brown.
405
00:15:46,977 --> 00:15:49,349
I agree. So I picked
All the other ones out.
406
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:50,620
It was quite
Time-consuming.
407
00:15:51,721 --> 00:15:57,087
This is oddly perfect --
Thoughtful, small, delicious.
408
00:15:57,087 --> 00:15:58,288
Thank you.
409
00:15:59,589 --> 00:16:02,292
I got you something, too.
Close your eyes.
410
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:06,596
And...Open them.
411
00:16:07,697 --> 00:16:09,369
Oh.
412
00:16:13,343 --> 00:16:16,046
Right?
413
00:16:16,046 --> 00:16:18,748
You got me a lamp
For christmas?
414
00:16:18,748 --> 00:16:22,052
Well, when you
Say it like that...
415
00:16:25,355 --> 00:16:29,359
So, are you
Ready to apologize?
416
00:16:29,359 --> 00:16:31,221
Apologize?
You have got to be kidding me.
417
00:16:31,221 --> 00:16:33,393
Debbie weaver,
Did it ever occur to you
418
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,365
That I might have spent
The past four months
419
00:16:35,365 --> 00:16:37,567
Constructing the world's
Most elaborate ant farm
420
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:41,031
So that my son would
Not only have what he wanted,
421
00:16:41,031 --> 00:16:43,533
But he would also have
The world's best version of it?
422
00:16:43,533 --> 00:16:45,705
No, that did not
Occur to me.
423
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,078
And do you know why
I spent all that time?
424
00:16:48,078 --> 00:16:50,310
Because, aside from
What you may think,
425
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,212
I am a good father.
426
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:56,346
That does sound like something
A good father would do.
427
00:16:56,346 --> 00:17:00,350
Oh, larry, I'm sorry.
Truly.
428
00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:02,252
I just get so
Caught up in christmas.
429
00:17:02,252 --> 00:17:04,294
I think it's because
When I was a kid --
430
00:17:04,294 --> 00:17:05,295
Yes, I don't care.
431
00:17:05,295 --> 00:17:08,158
Right.
432
00:17:08,158 --> 00:17:09,799
I never should have
Got dick that ant farm.
433
00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:13,032
It was a mistake.
I am sorry.
434
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,206
It's just dick
Is such a special kid.
435
00:17:16,206 --> 00:17:18,468
And sometimes I think
You're a little hard on him.
436
00:17:18,468 --> 00:17:21,641
Yes, he did seem rather broken
A couple of times this week.
437
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:24,174
I do see what you mean.
438
00:17:24,174 --> 00:17:25,475
You know, in spite of
439
00:17:25,475 --> 00:17:27,317
Your relentless badgering
And your weakness for drink,
440
00:17:27,317 --> 00:17:29,479
You are a good mother,
Debbie weaver.
441
00:17:29,479 --> 00:17:32,352
If I was going to take
Parenting advice from anyone,
442
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,185
I suppose on occasion
I could take it from you.
443
00:17:35,185 --> 00:17:36,326
Well, thanks, larry.
444
00:17:36,326 --> 00:17:38,558
And your kids
Obviously love you.
445
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,561
And I'm just gonna back off.
You are a good father.
446
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,564
A good father?
That's what I said.
447
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,266
Am I not the world's
Greatest father?
448
00:17:47,737 --> 00:17:51,341
You are the world's
Greatest father, lar.
449
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,303
That's
What my mug says.
450
00:17:53,303 --> 00:17:55,675
We're keeping the ball pit,
Right?
451
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:58,348
I love the ball pit.
I really love the ball pit.
452
00:17:58,348 --> 00:18:00,410
Whoa!
453
00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:02,352
That is why I drink.
454
00:18:03,653 --> 00:18:07,317
I have to say,
I'm a little underwhelmed.
455
00:18:07,317 --> 00:18:09,319
Well, reggie,
I can't give you something
456
00:18:09,319 --> 00:18:11,121
From across the galaxy,
So I thought that --
457
00:18:11,121 --> 00:18:12,322
Oh, did you?
458
00:18:12,322 --> 00:18:14,324
Because this looks like
You didn't think at all.
459
00:18:14,324 --> 00:18:15,865
Well, if you'll
Just listen, I --
460
00:18:15,865 --> 00:18:17,697
No, amber, I know the idea
Of being romantic
461
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:20,200
Is embarrassing for you,
And I accept it
462
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,503
Because I love you,
But this is just insulting and,
463
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,275
To be honest,
It hurts my feelings.
464
00:18:25,275 --> 00:18:26,636
Reggie, I --
465
00:18:26,636 --> 00:18:28,478
Now,
If you'll excuse me.
466
00:18:31,241 --> 00:18:34,414
I'd like to be alone
So I can cry like a man cries.
467
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,851
Mm!
If you'll j--
468
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:48,798
[ jack johnson's "Angel" plays ]
469
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:04,674
♪ I've got an angel ♪
470
00:19:04,674 --> 00:19:08,378
♪ she doesn't wear any wings ♪
471
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:13,823
♪ she wears a heart
That could melt my own ♪
472
00:19:13,823 --> 00:19:19,259
♪ wears a smile that could
Make you want to sing ♪
473
00:19:21,391 --> 00:19:26,266
♪ she gives me presents ♪
474
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,799
♪ with her her presence alone ♪
475
00:19:29,799 --> 00:19:32,302
She went big.
476
00:19:32,302 --> 00:19:34,173
♪ she gives me everything
I could wish for ♪
477
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,705
Yeah!
478
00:19:35,705 --> 00:19:41,581
♪ gives me kisses on the lips
Just for coming home ♪
Yeah!
479
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,253
♪ close together ♪
480
00:19:43,253 --> 00:19:45,385
♪ so close together ♪
481
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,417
♪ close together ♪
482
00:19:47,417 --> 00:19:48,888
♪ christmas together ♪
483
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,562
♪ the lights, the trees ♪
484
00:19:52,562 --> 00:19:56,896
♪ and the way they work
Together in perfect harmony ♪
485
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:00,400
♪ the friends, the fam ♪
486
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,733
♪ gathering the neighbors,
Singing "Winter wonderland" ♪
487
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:05,905
♪ when we're all this close ♪
488
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:07,437
♪ close together ♪
489
00:20:07,437 --> 00:20:08,908
♪ so close together ♪
490
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,581
♪ ooh, ooh ♪
♪ close together ♪
491
00:20:11,581 --> 00:20:14,444
♪ when we're all this close ♪
492
00:20:14,444 --> 00:20:16,316
What's wrong, son?
493
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:17,847
Nothing.
494
00:20:17,847 --> 00:20:21,291
Look, I know you really wanted
A little ant farm for christmas,
495
00:20:21,291 --> 00:20:23,793
And I'm sorry
You didn't get what you want,
496
00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:27,927
But hopefully you'll accept
This instead.
497
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:30,300
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
498
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,502
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
499
00:20:32,502 --> 00:20:34,334
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
Ooh!
500
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:37,837
♪ and a happy ♪
This is the biggest
Ant farm I've ever seen!
501
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:41,441
♪ new year! ♪
Thanks, mom.
You're the best.
502
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:42,672
What? Mom?
503
00:20:43,613 --> 00:20:44,914
Why do I even bother?
504
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,352
[ sighs ]
505
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,854
Are you coming to bed?
506
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:55,825
Marty.
507
00:20:55,825 --> 00:20:56,826
Marty!
508
00:20:56,826 --> 00:20:59,859
Yeah, hon.
On my way.
509
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:07,837
Merry christmas to me.
510
00:21:12,442 --> 00:21:14,944
Whoo-hoo!
37015
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