All language subtitles for The Neighbors (2012) S02E09 Thanksgiving is No Schmuck Bait (1080p AMZN Webrip x265 10bit EAC3 5.1 - TheSickle)[TAoE]_track3_[eng]
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1
00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:03,474
Debbie: all right,
So, all I need to do
2
00:00:03,474 --> 00:00:05,076
Is shove the chicken
In the duck,
3
00:00:05,076 --> 00:00:06,237
The duck in the turkey,
4
00:00:06,237 --> 00:00:08,079
And voilà,
Thanksgiving turducken.
5
00:00:08,079 --> 00:00:09,210
That's an alarming amount
6
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,741
Of animals
To stick inside each other.
7
00:00:10,741 --> 00:00:12,613
Can you put it all
In a pig?
8
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,315
[ as ralph kramden ]
Honey, I'm home!
9
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:16,147
[ as joey tribbiani ]
How you doin'?
10
00:00:16,147 --> 00:00:18,789
[ canned laughter ]
11
00:00:18,789 --> 00:00:21,122
So, I'm guessing
There's a story here.
12
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,023
[ normal voice ] There
Certainly is, wacky neighbor.
13
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:26,227
We've been up all night watching
A nick at nite marathon
14
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,229
Of thanksgiving
Sitcom episodes.
15
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,630
[ normal voice ]
And it made us want
16
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,362
A live studio audience
For our very own.
17
00:00:31,362 --> 00:00:32,703
Audience, huh?
18
00:00:32,703 --> 00:00:34,605
I always wished I had a song
That followed me around
19
00:00:34,605 --> 00:00:36,707
And played every time
I walked into a room.
20
00:00:36,707 --> 00:00:39,340
My song would be --
Stupid idea.
Wife, continue.
21
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,272
So,
The nick at nite marathon
22
00:00:41,272 --> 00:00:44,145
Taught us that thanksgiving
Is a special day
23
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,777
Filled with troublemaking
In-laws, cooking mishaps,
24
00:00:46,777 --> 00:00:48,319
And unpleasant surprises,
25
00:00:48,319 --> 00:00:51,422
Which makes it a holiday
Which nobody really wanted,
26
00:00:51,422 --> 00:00:54,155
But in the end,
Everyone really needed.
27
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:57,258
"American girl" by tom petty --
That would be my song.
28
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,090
Well, I hate
To disappoint you guys,
29
00:00:59,090 --> 00:01:00,791
But I'm gonna go
Out on a limb here
30
00:01:00,791 --> 00:01:02,163
And say there will be
31
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,594
No unpleasant surprises
This thanksgiving.
32
00:01:03,594 --> 00:01:06,397
I agree. There's been
A lovely peace in the family.
33
00:01:06,397 --> 00:01:08,399
Plus, I'm making
A foolproof meal.
34
00:01:08,399 --> 00:01:09,740
It literally can't lose.
35
00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:12,573
Oh, boy!
We know what comes next.
36
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,405
Whoa, what do you mean?
What co--
[ doorbell rings ]
37
00:01:14,405 --> 00:01:16,447
Cue the holiday surprise.
38
00:01:16,447 --> 00:01:18,279
Together: whoo!
39
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:19,380
Who could that be?
40
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:22,113
Let's watch
And see what happens.
41
00:01:24,855 --> 00:01:26,857
Happy thanksgiving!
42
00:01:26,857 --> 00:01:29,860
Yes, I'm six hours early.
Now we've talked about that.
43
00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:32,663
Yeah, dad,
A little early.
Ahh.
44
00:01:32,663 --> 00:01:34,125
Hey, dominick.
Mwah!
45
00:01:34,125 --> 00:01:35,196
Where's theresa?
46
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,427
No idea.
47
00:01:36,427 --> 00:01:39,200
After almost five
Miserable decades, I ended it.
48
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,133
We're getting a divorce.
Grandpa's moving in.
49
00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:43,704
Audience: uh-oh!
50
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,807
I love
Holiday episodes.
51
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:50,311
♪♪♪
52
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:54,145
♪ we came from outer space
And settled in new jersey ♪
53
00:01:54,145 --> 00:01:58,189
♪ we took names like larry bird
And jackie joyner-kersee ♪
54
00:01:58,189 --> 00:02:00,221
♪ then the humans
Moved next door ♪
55
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:02,393
♪ started testing
All our limits ♪
56
00:02:02,393 --> 00:02:04,555
♪ so sit right down,
Enjoy the show ♪
57
00:02:04,555 --> 00:02:09,800
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪
58
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,763
Okay, so, what did you say, dad?
You left mom?
59
00:02:12,763 --> 00:02:14,665
Like a baby
At a fire station.
60
00:02:14,665 --> 00:02:17,568
Dominick, we're happy
To have you -- so happy.
61
00:02:17,568 --> 00:02:19,210
We love it.
But come on.
62
00:02:19,210 --> 00:02:21,612
Why divorce theresa?
We hate each other.
63
00:02:21,612 --> 00:02:23,174
You've hated each other
For 50 years.
64
00:02:23,174 --> 00:02:24,515
You love
To hate each other.
65
00:02:24,515 --> 00:02:26,617
Hate is the glue that keeps
Your marriage together.
66
00:02:26,617 --> 00:02:28,449
Max:
Grandpa, grandpa!
Abby: happy thanksgiving!
67
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:29,920
Hey, guys!
68
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,582
Where's grandma?
69
00:02:31,582 --> 00:02:33,784
I left her, kids. It's over.
She's horrible.
70
00:02:33,784 --> 00:02:35,326
She'll be here at 2:00.
71
00:02:35,326 --> 00:02:36,927
Oh, so she's still coming
72
00:02:36,927 --> 00:02:39,230
Even though
You're splitting up? Fun.
73
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:40,731
Of course she's coming.
74
00:02:40,731 --> 00:02:43,594
We can't let that crotchety old
Bag sit alone on thanksgiving.
75
00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:44,765
We're family.
76
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:47,268
Now, kids, I want you
To take me upstairs
77
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,300
And show grandpa
Whose bedroom he's taking.
78
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:50,801
Say what now?
What did you say?
79
00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:52,643
Let's go.
You'd hate my bedroom!
80
00:02:52,643 --> 00:02:54,605
I still pee the bed!
No, you don't!
81
00:02:54,605 --> 00:02:56,677
I'm going to
As soon as I get up there.
82
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,949
So, your father's
Not moving in here.
Of course not.
83
00:02:58,949 --> 00:03:00,781
Because fitting
That man in our house
84
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,284
Is kind of like fitting
This duck into this turkey.
85
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:04,685
Don't worry.
Babe, he's not staying.
86
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,217
My mother
Is a damaged person
87
00:03:06,217 --> 00:03:07,418
Who needs someone
To scream at.
88
00:03:07,418 --> 00:03:09,460
My father needs
A damaged person around
89
00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:10,861
So he can feel superior.
90
00:03:10,861 --> 00:03:13,664
Believe me, there's no way
This breakup will last.
91
00:03:13,664 --> 00:03:14,625
True.
92
00:03:14,625 --> 00:03:15,866
If there's one thing we learned
93
00:03:15,866 --> 00:03:17,328
From our
Holiday-episode research,
94
00:03:17,328 --> 00:03:19,270
It's that things will always
Go back to normal
95
00:03:19,270 --> 00:03:20,601
At the end of the holiday.
96
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,873
Yes. They try to trick you
Into thinking that they won't,
97
00:03:22,873 --> 00:03:25,276
But they don't want to change
The premise of the show.
98
00:03:25,276 --> 00:03:27,538
Well, this premise will change
If your father moves in,
99
00:03:27,538 --> 00:03:29,910
'cause then I'm getting
In the oven with the poultry.
100
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:33,914
Dick, our audience
Is in the garage.
101
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,247
Would you please entertain them
While I have a chat with dad?
102
00:03:36,247 --> 00:03:39,650
Does no one
Respect my knitting time?
103
00:03:39,650 --> 00:03:43,524
Oh, husband, I do not enjoy
How the story has become
104
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,225
About the mertzes
Over there.
105
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,728
We are the main family.
They are the wacky neighbors.
106
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,830
We deserve a thanksgiving story
Of our own,
107
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:53,003
Not just a bunch of jokes
That makes their story funnier.
So, what are you thinking?
108
00:03:53,003 --> 00:03:55,836
Perhaps we get a job
In a high-speed assembly line.
Ooh! Good one.
109
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:58,339
Or bring home a homeless man,
Clean him up,
110
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,911
And make him the c.E.O.
Of a major corporation.
111
00:04:00,911 --> 00:04:01,972
Great.
112
00:04:01,972 --> 00:04:03,874
Or we could
Trade responsibilities
113
00:04:03,874 --> 00:04:05,416
With the children in order
114
00:04:05,416 --> 00:04:07,578
To learn comical, and yet
Mutually beneficial lessons.
115
00:04:07,578 --> 00:04:09,650
[ as dick butkus ] You think
Being a grown-up is hard?
116
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,751
Try being
A kid sometime.
117
00:04:11,922 --> 00:04:13,954
My wife said
That for our anniversary,
118
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,727
She wanted to go somewhere
She's never been before,
119
00:04:16,727 --> 00:04:19,560
So I said, "Try the kitchen."
120
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,892
[ laughter ]
121
00:04:21,892 --> 00:04:24,465
How we doing on time,
Sweetie?
122
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,297
Six hours in the oven.
123
00:04:26,297 --> 00:04:29,039
I still got two out
Of the three animals uncooked.
124
00:04:29,039 --> 00:04:31,672
It's like the bigger one
Is protecting the littler ones.
125
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,444
Let them burn!
126
00:04:33,444 --> 00:04:35,476
Well, try and speed it up,
'cause in my experience,
127
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,748
My parents fight less when
They have food in their mouths.
128
00:04:37,748 --> 00:04:39,450
Your mother's gonna be
A basket case.
129
00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:41,752
Cook,
You unholy frankenstein!
130
00:04:41,752 --> 00:04:43,013
Cook!
Come on!
131
00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:45,756
We're gonna be okay.
[ sighs ]
132
00:04:45,756 --> 00:04:47,287
But you and grandma?
133
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,819
I loved you two together.
134
00:04:48,819 --> 00:04:51,562
How is this even possible?
You two are soul mates.
I don't know.
135
00:04:51,562 --> 00:04:53,364
I always thought you two
Sort of hated each other.
136
00:04:53,364 --> 00:04:54,925
Now,
That's my granddaughter.
137
00:04:54,925 --> 00:04:56,967
And, kid, don't be sad.
138
00:04:56,967 --> 00:04:59,069
You know what I've been doing
This last week
139
00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:00,701
In my room
At the hampton inn?
140
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,973
Eating in bed and smiling.
141
00:05:02,973 --> 00:05:04,935
I haven't done either
Since I got married.
142
00:05:04,935 --> 00:05:08,078
But you were together for
Two-thirds of a human life-span.
143
00:05:08,078 --> 00:05:10,341
Why now?
Eh, it was enough.
144
00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:13,313
[ squeals ]
I got a recently widowed
Math teacher.
145
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,486
She's got a weird
Jewfro thing going on,
146
00:05:15,486 --> 00:05:16,747
But she's not hideous.
147
00:05:16,747 --> 00:05:19,420
Want me to set it up?
Sure. I'm open.
148
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,392
Give her my number
At the hamp.
149
00:05:21,392 --> 00:05:22,823
[ doorbell rings ]
150
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,525
Oh, boy.
There's grandma.
151
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,997
Now, she's gonna be pulling all
The waterworks with sympathy.
152
00:05:26,997 --> 00:05:28,559
But, kids,
Don't fall for it.
153
00:05:28,559 --> 00:05:31,101
All right, dad.
Just please be nice to her.
154
00:05:31,101 --> 00:05:33,333
God, please let her
Be nice to me.
155
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,965
[ salsa music plays ]
156
00:05:34,965 --> 00:05:36,467
Sweetheart!
Hey!
157
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:37,938
Happy thanksgiving!
158
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,070
Aw! Hello, honey.
Happy thanksgiving.
Hello.
159
00:05:40,070 --> 00:05:42,773
Mm!
Don't you smell good?
Oh.
160
00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:45,345
And the house is gorgeous.
161
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,678
Really? Thank you.
162
00:05:47,678 --> 00:05:49,950
Wow. Your hair's all nice
And long, and you look tan.
163
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,652
Hit the spa this week.
164
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,584
I am bronzed
And hair-extended
165
00:05:53,584 --> 00:05:56,056
And waxed in places
I had no idea people wax.
166
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:59,029
Well, now we have
That information.
167
00:05:59,029 --> 00:06:00,961
Okay. I'm ready
For some wine.
168
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:04,665
The foam party at la bamba
Got a little crazy last night,
169
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,497
And I could use
Some hair of the dog.
170
00:06:06,497 --> 00:06:08,839
Dominick.
Theresa.
171
00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,001
[ salsa music plays ]
172
00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:15,005
Guess who's accidentally
Got two dates to the prom?
173
00:06:15,005 --> 00:06:16,807
I'll never get away with it.
[ laughs ]
174
00:06:18,849 --> 00:06:20,851
What did we miss?
175
00:06:20,851 --> 00:06:22,082
I don't know.
176
00:06:26,457 --> 00:06:27,918
Oh, dinner
Smells mouth-watering.
177
00:06:27,918 --> 00:06:29,920
Now, I don't know
If I've ever told you this,
178
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,992
But I think
You're a wonderful cook.
179
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,794
You haven't.
180
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,597
You haven't ever
Said that, like never.
181
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:37,768
Mm.
182
00:06:37,768 --> 00:06:40,000
Marty:
You know, ma, I got to say,
183
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,533
You haven't looked
This good in years.
184
00:06:42,533 --> 00:06:43,804
Well,
I should hope so.
185
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,075
I've lost
A lot of weight --
186
00:06:45,075 --> 00:06:47,878
210 pounds of soul-sucking fat,
To be exact.
187
00:06:47,878 --> 00:06:49,710
Hardy har.
188
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,482
Oh, plus, I've been
Power-walking at the mall
189
00:06:51,482 --> 00:06:52,613
With other
Senior singles.
190
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:53,884
And did I mention
The wax?
191
00:06:53,884 --> 00:06:56,116
Yes, you did.
You definitely did.
192
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,918
Max, take your sister
Upstairs.
193
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,590
You look pretty,
Grandma.
194
00:06:59,590 --> 00:07:01,421
Oh, thank you,
Sweetheart.
195
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,824
Now, remember,
Marriage ruins your looks.
196
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:05,896
Nope.
Don't remember that. Go.
197
00:07:05,896 --> 00:07:08,799
So, ma, what are you gonna do
In that big house all alone?
198
00:07:08,799 --> 00:07:10,130
Probably sell it.
199
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,162
Well, then, what's --
What's gonna happen to my room?
200
00:07:12,162 --> 00:07:13,834
Which one was your room?
201
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,866
My craft room
Or the yoga room?
202
00:07:15,866 --> 00:07:17,768
It's the one down the hall
From your bedroom
203
00:07:17,768 --> 00:07:19,970
So you could hear me in case
I got scared during the night.
204
00:07:19,970 --> 00:07:21,712
Ah. Yoga room.
205
00:07:21,712 --> 00:07:23,874
Look at us just sitting here
In silence.
206
00:07:23,874 --> 00:07:25,976
What are we, extras?
Do something.
207
00:07:25,976 --> 00:07:27,117
I'm gay.
208
00:07:27,117 --> 00:07:28,949
I knew it.
209
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,681
All right, guys,
Can I have a moment alone
210
00:07:30,681 --> 00:07:31,852
With my family, please?
211
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,655
For the record,
I find it very regrettable
212
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,186
That your primitive society
213
00:07:36,186 --> 00:07:38,789
Doesn't place a higher value
On in-laws.
214
00:07:38,789 --> 00:07:40,931
Or legitimate
Third-party candidates.
215
00:07:40,931 --> 00:07:42,563
See you guys.
216
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:43,794
[ cellphone beeps ]
217
00:07:43,794 --> 00:07:44,965
Oh, boy.
218
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,499
Another hit
On my online-dating profile.
219
00:07:48,499 --> 00:07:50,941
Oh, now, he's a cutie,
And he's still in his 60s.
220
00:07:50,941 --> 00:07:53,203
For god's sake,
Don't tell me you've signed up
221
00:07:53,203 --> 00:07:55,145
With one of those
Online-dating scams.
222
00:07:55,145 --> 00:07:57,748
Yep. It's the kind of scam
Where I give them 20 bucks
223
00:07:57,748 --> 00:07:59,750
And they give me
A revitalized sex life.
224
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:02,012
Oh!
Oh, come on, guys.
225
00:08:02,012 --> 00:08:04,615
This is just posturing.
You're not dating already.
226
00:08:04,615 --> 00:08:07,818
Right, because you guys
Aren't breaking up. Right?
227
00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:10,921
[ cellphone beeps ]
Oh! [ laughs ]
228
00:08:10,921 --> 00:08:12,993
It's a good thing they
Didn't have online dating
229
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,825
When I was younger
Or I would have needed
230
00:08:14,825 --> 00:08:16,627
A what-I-just-had-waxed
Transplant.
231
00:08:20,931 --> 00:08:21,832
[ sneezes ]
232
00:08:21,832 --> 00:08:24,705
[ blows nose ]
233
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,977
Oh, sure.
Throw the tissue away.
234
00:08:26,977 --> 00:08:28,939
There's plenty
Of snot-free real estate.
235
00:08:28,939 --> 00:08:30,280
No, you just want
To throw it away
236
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,942
And move on
To a fresh, new one.
237
00:08:31,942 --> 00:08:32,943
That's true. I do.
238
00:08:32,943 --> 00:08:34,815
Reggie, I'm gonna go
Out on a limb
239
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,747
And say that this is
About my grandparents.
240
00:08:36,747 --> 00:08:38,048
You're right.
241
00:08:38,048 --> 00:08:40,290
I'm mad because I blew off
My zabvronian soul mate,
242
00:08:40,290 --> 00:08:42,753
Who's guaranteed to love me
Forever, for you.
243
00:08:42,753 --> 00:08:46,156
You seem so happy about
Two people breaking up,
244
00:08:46,156 --> 00:08:47,898
Even after 5o years.
245
00:08:52,603 --> 00:08:53,934
I know it's stressful,
246
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,235
But if you're gonna be
With a human,
247
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,608
You have to accept the fact
That we're unpredictable.
248
00:08:57,608 --> 00:09:00,911
More than 50% of marriages end.
That's just reality.
249
00:09:00,911 --> 00:09:02,613
50%.
250
00:09:02,613 --> 00:09:04,875
Humans
Are inconstant monsters.
251
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:09,079
I'm dating a monster.
252
00:09:11,982 --> 00:09:15,125
Sure, amber. Just date
The weird alien kid next door.
253
00:09:15,125 --> 00:09:16,927
It'll be fun.
254
00:09:19,329 --> 00:09:21,061
Debbie: oh, god.
255
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:24,134
My oven can't handle
This many corpses.
256
00:09:24,134 --> 00:09:25,195
This is real, deb.
257
00:09:25,195 --> 00:09:26,937
My parents are splitting up
For real.
258
00:09:26,937 --> 00:09:28,098
If they
Don't get back together,
259
00:09:28,098 --> 00:09:29,800
That makes me the child
Of a broken home.
260
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,301
I don't want
To be an orphan.
261
00:09:31,301 --> 00:09:34,304
Oh, honey, I know, although
That's not what an orphan is.
262
00:09:34,304 --> 00:09:35,946
You know,
I think you could
263
00:09:35,946 --> 00:09:38,208
Be getting
A little more upset here, deb.
264
00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:39,950
Did you know
That children of divorce
265
00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:41,952
Are more likely
To divorce themselves?
266
00:09:41,952 --> 00:09:44,655
This could have serious
Implications on your future.
267
00:09:44,655 --> 00:09:48,689
Okay, well, whatever happens,
That man is not moving in here.
268
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:49,890
Marty,
What's your plan?
269
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,963
Oh, right.
That's a good idea.
270
00:09:52,963 --> 00:09:54,865
Make it the responsibility
Of the child
271
00:09:54,865 --> 00:09:56,667
To keep
His parents together.
272
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:59,670
Do you know how detrimental
That could be?
To a 43-year-old man?
273
00:09:59,670 --> 00:10:01,972
Well, honey,
At a moment like this,
274
00:10:01,972 --> 00:10:05,075
Every man becomes
A hurt, helpless little boy.
275
00:10:05,075 --> 00:10:06,777
Dick:
Stop your blubbering!
276
00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:09,609
We just wanted to pop by
To remind you not to worry.
277
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,241
This is a completely
Manufactured crisis
278
00:10:11,241 --> 00:10:13,844
Which will resolve itself by
The end of thanksgiving dinner.
279
00:10:13,844 --> 00:10:15,646
Although, if you'd
Like it resolved sooner,
280
00:10:15,646 --> 00:10:17,688
We're happy
To pull some hijinks.
281
00:10:17,688 --> 00:10:19,249
Because that's what
Main characters do!
282
00:10:19,249 --> 00:10:20,691
Think about it.
283
00:10:20,691 --> 00:10:21,922
Debbie: oh, god.
284
00:10:26,957 --> 00:10:28,098
[ cellphone beeps ]
[ chuckles ]
285
00:10:36,406 --> 00:10:38,368
Just look at you guys.
286
00:10:38,368 --> 00:10:40,941
You still got
That same old spark, you know?
287
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:44,244
Well, I would like
To know where you even
288
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,076
Came up with the cash
For that phone.
289
00:10:46,076 --> 00:10:48,278
You had at least another year
On your contract!
290
00:10:48,278 --> 00:10:50,120
I just used the money
I was gonna waste
291
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,722
On your
Anniversary present.
292
00:10:51,722 --> 00:10:53,684
Great idea, sister.
293
00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:55,826
I think I'll spend my wad
On a bottle
294
00:10:55,826 --> 00:10:57,387
Of those little,
Blue pills.
295
00:10:57,387 --> 00:11:01,161
You know, the gals outnumber
The fellas 10 to 1 at our age.
296
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,663
Can't wait
To meet the lucky broad
297
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,266
Who gets stuck
Having to listen to you snore
298
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,798
For the rest
Of her life.
299
00:11:07,798 --> 00:11:09,139
Kids, dinner!
300
00:11:09,139 --> 00:11:11,902
Come eat now so this day can end
And everyone can go home
301
00:11:11,902 --> 00:11:14,775
To their house
That isn't this one.
302
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,176
Larry:
Has anyone seen my wife?
303
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,948
She's going to miss
This revolting
304
00:11:17,948 --> 00:11:19,079
Bird-on-bird-on-bird
Action.
305
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,782
Debbie used
Your stuffing recipe, mom.
306
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:22,983
Dad, that's your favorite,
Right?
307
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,284
Tell mom
How that's your favorite.
308
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,216
I never liked
Her stuffing.
309
00:11:26,216 --> 00:11:28,889
That's because it's too good
For you, you nincompoop.
310
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,090
Watch your language.
311
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,723
This isn't one of your
Sailor hump-hump bars.
312
00:11:32,723 --> 00:11:34,895
Oh! [ scoffs ]
Enjoy him, debbie.
313
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,728
No, no.
You enjoy him.
314
00:11:37,728 --> 00:11:39,900
You take him home,
And you enjoy him.
315
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,832
I really can't tolerate
This anymore, deborah.
316
00:11:41,832 --> 00:11:43,934
These are the parents
Of your soul mate.
317
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:47,237
That is a sacred bond
That deserves mad respect.
318
00:11:47,237 --> 00:11:48,979
[ gasps ] Announcement!
319
00:11:48,979 --> 00:11:50,881
I found us a story line.
320
00:11:50,881 --> 00:11:52,442
Hello!
321
00:11:52,442 --> 00:11:53,784
Hi, there.
322
00:11:53,784 --> 00:11:56,346
We are the parents
Of jackie joyner-kersee,
323
00:11:56,346 --> 00:11:59,950
And we are the in-laws
To that guy.
324
00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:02,422
[ dramatic music plays ]
325
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,424
Cut to commercial.
Cut to commer--
326
00:12:08,258 --> 00:12:10,360
Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr.
327
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,403
I can't believe they stuck me
At the kids' table.
328
00:12:13,403 --> 00:12:16,366
So, dick,
You like old people, huh?
329
00:12:16,366 --> 00:12:17,467
I find they have character,
330
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:19,810
History,
And superior knitting skills.
331
00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:21,471
Not to mention
That cool smell.
332
00:12:21,471 --> 00:12:23,073
How would you like a chance
333
00:12:23,073 --> 00:12:26,176
To have your very own old person
Living right in your room?
334
00:12:26,176 --> 00:12:27,878
Doesn't that
Sound amazing?
335
00:12:27,878 --> 00:12:31,852
My very own old person?
What a dream.
336
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:35,525
Guys, my I.Q. Is more than
50 times greater than yours.
337
00:12:35,525 --> 00:12:37,757
Did you really think you could
Manipulate me like that?
338
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,489
Uh, it was worth a try.
339
00:12:39,489 --> 00:12:40,530
Pull my finger.
340
00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:43,333
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
341
00:12:45,796 --> 00:12:49,269
Debbie: it is so nice
To have jackie's parents here.
342
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,171
Kind of nice
To have a buffer.
343
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,243
Well, thank you,
Marty and debbie weaver,
344
00:12:53,243 --> 00:12:55,375
For hosting us in your home
That you paid for
345
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,477
From the sweat
Of your brow.
346
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,209
Okay. Here we go.
347
00:12:59,209 --> 00:13:01,151
So what are you saying,
Father-in-law,
348
00:13:01,151 --> 00:13:02,853
That I can't afford
My lifestyle
349
00:13:02,853 --> 00:13:04,514
Without my father's
Trust fund?
350
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:06,456
He's not saying
That at all, husband.
351
00:13:06,456 --> 00:13:07,988
My lovely daughter
Is right.
352
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:10,160
I have not said that,
Not once.
353
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,992
Other people
Have said it.
354
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,364
They've said it a lot.
But not us.
355
00:13:14,364 --> 00:13:16,827
Another thing we don't say
Is that your family fortune
356
00:13:16,827 --> 00:13:18,798
Is mostly blood money
Taken from the people --
357
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,500
People we have devoted
Our lives to helping.
358
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,501
Where are you guys
From again?
359
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,802
France.
Canada.
360
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,835
Oh, you better watch out
For my husband.
361
00:13:24,835 --> 00:13:25,976
He hates foreigners.
362
00:13:25,976 --> 00:13:28,038
This from the woman
Who kept her wallet
363
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:30,841
In her underwear during
Our entire jamaican cruise.
364
00:13:30,841 --> 00:13:32,883
I hope you're satisfied,
In-laws.
365
00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:35,185
You've turned
This thanksgiving meal
366
00:13:35,185 --> 00:13:36,847
Into chaos and conflict.
367
00:13:36,847 --> 00:13:38,318
As always,
You're toxic.
368
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,549
Debbie: easy, larry.
369
00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:41,351
Yeah, what happened
To respecting
370
00:13:41,351 --> 00:13:43,353
And loving your in-laws
As your own, larry?
371
00:13:43,353 --> 00:13:45,525
When I said that,
Jackie's parents
372
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,557
And their
Holier-than-thou attitude
373
00:13:47,557 --> 00:13:51,201
Were safely ensconced on
The other side of the universe.
374
00:13:51,201 --> 00:13:53,904
Husband, fake private whispering
Does not work.
375
00:13:53,904 --> 00:13:56,336
Neither does larry.
Pow!
376
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,238
Toxic!
377
00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,569
She's toxic?
378
00:13:59,569 --> 00:14:00,941
This one over here
379
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,973
Is like three mile island
In sensible shoes.
380
00:14:02,973 --> 00:14:04,844
Keep stuffing your face,
Animal.
381
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,147
You've got side-by-side
Grave plots now.
382
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,549
Come on!
Look at that repartee, huh?
383
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,521
Why would you want to walk away
From that, from this family?
384
00:14:11,521 --> 00:14:12,582
Why?
385
00:14:12,582 --> 00:14:13,954
Or your lovely house
386
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,156
Now that you finally
Paid off that mortgage
387
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,458
And your lawn animals are just
The way you like them.
388
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,991
Our house doesn't even
Have lawn animals.
389
00:14:20,991 --> 00:14:22,432
Guys, I just want to say
I'm proud of you.
390
00:14:22,432 --> 00:14:24,594
Most people would just settle
For being unhappy,
391
00:14:24,594 --> 00:14:27,567
But it takes some serious sack
To break up after 50 years
392
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:31,171
To see if there's a better life
Out there, so mazel tov.
393
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,303
Amber,
How could you say that?
394
00:14:33,303 --> 00:14:36,006
Well, I hope that I'm happy
With one person forever,
395
00:14:36,006 --> 00:14:38,308
But if not, I'd like to be
As brave as my grandparents.
396
00:14:39,950 --> 00:14:41,451
May I please be excused?
397
00:14:43,613 --> 00:14:46,286
May I also be excused?
398
00:14:48,558 --> 00:14:50,660
Jackie: oh.
I'll talk to him.
399
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:53,023
Oh, yes. Go have
A heart to heart with our son.
400
00:14:53,023 --> 00:14:54,464
That's your strong suit.
401
00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:55,665
You're such a delight.
402
00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:59,629
Do you know
I'm very intuitive?
403
00:14:59,629 --> 00:15:01,501
I've done lots
Of energy work,
404
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:04,304
And I sense some trouble
In the home.
405
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,337
Wow.
You think, genius?
406
00:15:07,337 --> 00:15:10,580
So, mommy, did you hear
That I got a job?
407
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:12,282
No.
I can't hear anything
408
00:15:12,282 --> 00:15:14,914
Over larry's deafening sense
Of entitlement.
409
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,586
Oh, I'm sorry.
410
00:15:16,586 --> 00:15:20,490
I couldn't hear you over
Your deafening sense of sucking.
411
00:15:22,092 --> 00:15:25,095
Jackie, um,
If you'll excuse me,
412
00:15:25,095 --> 00:15:27,327
I'm gonna let you deal
With your family drama.
413
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,658
I'm gonna go check on mine.
414
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,003
You guys
Don't drink wine, so...
415
00:15:35,705 --> 00:15:38,238
Reggie,
Are you gonna let me in?
416
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,570
Reggie: leave me alone,
You monster!
417
00:15:40,570 --> 00:15:42,672
Son, are you okay?
418
00:15:42,672 --> 00:15:43,943
Open up, marty.
419
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,176
Marty: go away!
You don't care about me!
420
00:15:46,176 --> 00:15:48,248
You hurt my feelings,
And you don't care!
421
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:49,649
[ sighs ]
422
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:53,053
I'm gonna start
With the actual child.
423
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:57,527
Reggie, it stinks that half
Of all people get divorced
424
00:15:57,527 --> 00:16:00,590
And that you can't be sure
That love will last forever,
425
00:16:00,590 --> 00:16:04,294
But that's what makes it
So amazing when it does, right?
426
00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:07,167
And you two -- of course
You fell out of love.
427
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,299
'cause you stopped
Working at it.
428
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:12,702
It takes work
Every single day.
429
00:16:12,702 --> 00:16:16,506
There are no guarantees, reggie,
So you have to work at it,
430
00:16:16,506 --> 00:16:20,380
Even after 50 years,
Or it dies.
431
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:25,615
And it's that work
That makes it beautiful.
432
00:16:28,158 --> 00:16:31,591
That was lovely,
Debbie weaver.
433
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,423
Well, thanks, reg.
434
00:16:33,423 --> 00:16:36,766
It was from the heart...
And the wine.
435
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:42,332
So, are we okay?
436
00:16:42,332 --> 00:16:45,004
Amber, you know
The sign in history class
437
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,437
That says
"Work sets you free"?
438
00:16:47,437 --> 00:16:49,679
It's about us.
439
00:16:49,679 --> 00:16:52,482
It's actually a holocaust
Diorama, but I hear you.
440
00:16:52,482 --> 00:16:55,115
I like that we're gonna
Have to spend every single day
441
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,617
Of our lives working
To keep our love alive.
442
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:58,648
Are you sure?
443
00:16:58,648 --> 00:17:01,051
Jane wouldn't be
Any work at all.
444
00:17:01,051 --> 00:17:03,323
Anything worthwhile
Takes work.
445
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,425
And what about
You two?
446
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,698
Do you seriously
Want to start over now?
447
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,202
We go back out there,
448
00:17:12,202 --> 00:17:15,635
People are gonna want us
To work on ourselves.
449
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,668
I'm gonna
Have to shave every day,
450
00:17:18,668 --> 00:17:20,570
Suck in my gut, flush.
451
00:17:20,570 --> 00:17:22,572
Tell me about it.
452
00:17:22,572 --> 00:17:25,415
You know how tiring it is
To get all fapitzed like this?
453
00:17:25,415 --> 00:17:26,576
You look great,
Mrs. Weaver.
454
00:17:26,576 --> 00:17:29,449
Stop. I hate cardio.
I hate getting waxed.
455
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:32,322
I hate the stupid noises
That phone makes,
456
00:17:32,322 --> 00:17:34,624
And I hate having
To hold in my toots.
457
00:17:34,624 --> 00:17:35,725
Yeah.
458
00:17:35,725 --> 00:17:38,288
I'd rather phone it in
And die with you
459
00:17:38,288 --> 00:17:42,232
Than some broad who wants me
To work for the rest of my life.
460
00:17:42,232 --> 00:17:44,134
Man: ♪ and I got you ♪
461
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:46,636
♪ I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you ♪
Come here, you stinker.
462
00:17:46,636 --> 00:17:49,599
Theresa...
[ laughs ]
463
00:17:49,599 --> 00:17:54,474
♪ I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you ♪
464
00:17:55,675 --> 00:18:00,710
So, does this mean that
You guys are back together?
465
00:18:00,710 --> 00:18:03,613
For the most
Depressing reason imaginable.
466
00:18:03,613 --> 00:18:06,356
Great news, everybody!
467
00:18:06,356 --> 00:18:07,717
My mom and dad
Are back together!
468
00:18:07,717 --> 00:18:10,590
Max and abby: yay!
Larry: see? I knew it.
469
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,792
Things always go back to normal
At the end of the holiday.
470
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:15,865
Oh! Which reminds me,
It's nearly 9:00 p.M.
471
00:18:15,865 --> 00:18:19,469
My precious in-laws, I believe
You have a wormhole to catch.
472
00:18:19,469 --> 00:18:22,402
Plenty of peace rallies
Back home to attend.
473
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:25,505
I bet you would love
To see us leave so soon,
474
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:28,608
But we have a lifetime
Of possessions to unpack.
475
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:29,779
Unpack?
476
00:18:29,779 --> 00:18:32,442
Yes, it's clear
That your family needs us
477
00:18:32,442 --> 00:18:35,315
More than even the orphans
Your father's war created,
478
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,546
So we're staying.
479
00:18:36,546 --> 00:18:38,788
There is no bigger charity case
In the universe
480
00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:40,320
Right now than you, son.
481
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,523
Congratulations.
[ laughs ]
482
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:44,754
Oh, god.
483
00:18:44,754 --> 00:18:46,356
They're not leaving.
484
00:18:46,356 --> 00:18:48,398
♪ I got you ♪
485
00:18:48,398 --> 00:18:52,432
This is a "To be continued."
486
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,334
Marty: things are gonna be
So great now
487
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:55,805
That mom and dad
Are back together.
488
00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:57,337
I know, honey.
489
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,808
You know, we really ought
To spend more time with them
490
00:18:58,808 --> 00:19:00,270
Now that things
Are all better.
491
00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:03,473
We should take a trip
With them to disney world!
492
00:19:03,473 --> 00:19:06,346
All of us, just one big,
Happy family.
493
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,847
Fun!
494
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,321
♪ if they all fall down ♪
495
00:19:11,321 --> 00:19:14,254
♪ you still got me
And I got you ♪
496
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:20,730
♪ I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you-ou-ou ♪
[ snoring ]
497
00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:24,464
♪ I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you ♪
498
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,337
Thank you, dick.
499
00:19:27,337 --> 00:19:33,403
♪ I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you-ou-ou ♪
[ snoring ]
500
00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:38,308
You're right, babe.
501
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:39,879
The turducken is even better
The morning after.
502
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,252
And I really nailed your mom's
Stuffing recipe this year.
Mm-hmm.
503
00:19:42,252 --> 00:19:43,683
[ doorbell rings ]
504
00:19:45,215 --> 00:19:46,556
Buon giorno.
505
00:19:46,556 --> 00:19:48,218
I am here for theresa.
506
00:19:48,218 --> 00:19:49,759
Excuse me.
507
00:19:49,759 --> 00:19:51,661
We met online,
And I am-a supposed
508
00:19:51,661 --> 00:19:53,423
To pick her up here
For brunch.
509
00:19:53,423 --> 00:19:55,765
Well, she's unavailable
Like forever.
510
00:19:55,765 --> 00:19:58,928
She went back
With my dad.
I am so sorry to hear this.
511
00:19:58,928 --> 00:20:00,370
[ chuckles ]
512
00:20:00,370 --> 00:20:02,272
I am a man who has
All the money in the world,
513
00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:03,733
But-a nobody
To share it with.
514
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:08,308
[ speaking italian ]
Mi scusi.
515
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:12,712
But when I saw her profile,
I thought to myself this --
516
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:16,346
This is the woman
I could spend my twilight years
517
00:20:16,346 --> 00:20:17,947
Traveling the world with.
518
00:20:17,947 --> 00:20:19,749
[ gasps ]
God.
519
00:20:19,749 --> 00:20:23,793
I mean, would it kill us
To pass along her phone number?
520
00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:26,256
Here.
521
00:20:26,256 --> 00:20:28,328
Oh!
522
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,929
Grazie.
523
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,230
Prego.
524
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,733
All right, don juan.
Oh, no. Carmine.
39500
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