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1
00:00:01,672 --> 00:00:04,105
Marty: all right, hon.
I'm off to work.
2
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:06,437
The kids' sleepovers
Are all set up,
3
00:00:06,437 --> 00:00:09,280
And we are all clear
For our big date night.
4
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:11,542
I'm very excited.
Oh, me too.
5
00:00:11,542 --> 00:00:13,214
I keep thinking about
Those lamb chops.
6
00:00:14,285 --> 00:00:15,616
And spending time
With you --
7
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,448
I didn't say that part
Because it was implicit.
8
00:00:17,448 --> 00:00:18,489
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
9
00:00:18,489 --> 00:00:20,291
[ smooches ]
Waffle me, woman.
10
00:00:20,291 --> 00:00:22,253
Ooh.
Mm.
11
00:00:22,253 --> 00:00:23,724
Good morning, marty.
12
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,496
Is that a waffle in your mouth,
Or are you just happy to see me?
13
00:00:25,496 --> 00:00:27,198
Still not doing
That joke right.
14
00:00:27,198 --> 00:00:28,729
That's what she said.
Nope!
15
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,432
Ready to brainstorm
Business ideas?
Yes.
16
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:34,105
I thought we could create dream
Boards to come up with ideas.
17
00:00:34,105 --> 00:00:37,568
I saw it on the fifth hour
Of the "Today" show.
18
00:00:37,568 --> 00:00:39,240
You cut out pictures
That you love,
19
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,213
And you glue them
To poster board.
Mm.
20
00:00:42,213 --> 00:00:43,544
It'll be good
When I have a business,
21
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,447
Because then I won't watch
So much stupid "Today" show.
22
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,080
So, how do
Dream boards work?
23
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,182
Well, you look at it
For inspiration,
24
00:00:51,182 --> 00:00:53,784
And then you have an epiphany
About your destiny.
25
00:00:53,784 --> 00:00:56,557
Oh, that sounds easy.
26
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,333
Huh.
27
00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:05,166
No epiphany?
28
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:08,299
Maybe if I stare
A little longer.
29
00:01:08,299 --> 00:01:10,141
Why are there so many pictures
Of risotto?
30
00:01:10,141 --> 00:01:12,373
Oh,
Rice represents bounty,
31
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:16,547
And the only subscription we had
Was to bon appétit magazine.
32
00:01:16,547 --> 00:01:18,549
Are you sure
This is the way
33
00:01:18,549 --> 00:01:20,381
To come up with an idea
Which will be profitable?
34
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:23,254
Oh, jackie, I don't want money
To be the driving force here.
35
00:01:23,254 --> 00:01:25,256
I mean,
Extra cash would be great,
36
00:01:25,256 --> 00:01:27,488
But I need to find a job
That makes me feel fulfilled.
37
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,660
Said no one who ever worked
In a coal mine.
38
00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:32,493
All right, I'm off.
Have a good date night.
39
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,825
Thanks. Keep thinking on it,
Will ya?
40
00:01:34,825 --> 00:01:36,767
Key word -- "Fulfilling."
41
00:01:44,835 --> 00:01:47,178
Welcome to salsa castle.
May I take your order?
42
00:01:47,178 --> 00:01:50,141
Oh, fulfilling my --
[ horn honks ]
43
00:01:50,141 --> 00:01:51,642
♪♪♪
44
00:01:51,642 --> 00:01:55,486
♪ we came from outer space
And settled in new jersey ♪
45
00:01:55,486 --> 00:01:59,320
♪ we took names like larry bird
And jackie joyner-kersee ♪
46
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,552
♪ then the humans
Moved next door ♪
47
00:02:01,552 --> 00:02:03,724
♪ started testing
All our limits ♪
48
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,896
♪ so sit right down,
Enjoy the show ♪
49
00:02:05,896 --> 00:02:17,238
♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪
50
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,310
[ bang ]
Oh, what the...
51
00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:23,314
Marty!
What the hell is going on!
52
00:02:23,314 --> 00:02:25,145
Why is there a hole
In the wall?
53
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,778
Well, you said you wanted
A built-in entertainment center
54
00:02:27,778 --> 00:02:29,180
For how long now, right?
55
00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:31,252
I'm the guy
That's gonna give it you.
56
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:34,385
Is this about last night?
57
00:02:34,385 --> 00:02:36,387
What?
[ laughs ] No.
58
00:02:36,387 --> 00:02:38,229
Are you sure there's
Nothing about last night
59
00:02:38,229 --> 00:02:39,230
That you
Want to talk about?
60
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:41,232
'cause
I'm a good listener.
61
00:02:41,232 --> 00:02:43,234
Remember in high school,
I was named "Best listener"?
62
00:02:43,234 --> 00:02:44,795
Oh, because of
Your understanding nod.
63
00:02:46,697 --> 00:02:47,868
Yep. There it is.
That's it.
64
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,400
So? Anything?
65
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,272
Yeah.
66
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:54,305
I, uh...
67
00:02:54,305 --> 00:02:56,277
I, uh...
68
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,279
Okay, I got to get
To the hardware store
69
00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:00,180
And get some
Wood...En shelves.
70
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,312
I'm gonna get
Wooden shelves.
71
00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:02,853
Got to get
Some wooden shelves
72
00:03:02,853 --> 00:03:05,856
For the...
[ chuckles nervously ]
73
00:03:05,856 --> 00:03:08,659
You and I are gonna have
A long week.
74
00:03:08,659 --> 00:03:10,321
Hang in there.
75
00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:12,893
That's one dragon egg
Breakfast burrito
76
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:15,266
And one king arthur's
Quesadilla.
77
00:03:15,266 --> 00:03:17,197
Would you like me
To knight that for you?
78
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,198
Duh.
79
00:03:21,332 --> 00:03:26,206
[ fanfare plays ]
I hereby knight your breakfast
Burrito an excalibur-rito,
80
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,239
And you, a knight
Of the salsa castle.
81
00:03:28,239 --> 00:03:29,440
Thanks, wench.
82
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,613
[ sighs ] Oh.
83
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,985
I hear that.
[ groans ]
84
00:03:34,985 --> 00:03:37,818
And raise you a...
[ groans loudly ]
85
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,820
[ both laugh ]
86
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:40,951
Oh, keef.
87
00:03:40,951 --> 00:03:42,693
If you weren't
So hilarious,
88
00:03:42,693 --> 00:03:44,695
The night shift here
Would be pure torture.
89
00:03:44,695 --> 00:03:46,697
Oh, what's a classy lady
Like you
90
00:03:46,697 --> 00:03:48,929
Doing in a castle like this
Anyway?
91
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,602
Oh, well, my father-in-law
Used to support my family,
92
00:03:51,602 --> 00:03:54,765
But he didn't like our decision
To stay here on earth --
93
00:03:54,765 --> 00:03:57,438
Um, in, uh, new jersey --
So he cut us off.
94
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,609
Oh, I feel you on that.
95
00:03:58,609 --> 00:04:00,571
My parents cut me off
After they found out
96
00:04:00,571 --> 00:04:02,913
I was spending rent money
On mime classes,
97
00:04:02,913 --> 00:04:05,576
Just a couple
Of dream killers.
Oh, yeah.
98
00:04:05,576 --> 00:04:08,248
The worst part is I'm too
Ashamed to tell my best friend,
99
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,281
Especially since debbie weaver
Looks down on anything
100
00:04:10,281 --> 00:04:11,922
That doesn't
"Nourish the soul."
101
00:04:11,922 --> 00:04:15,626
Oh.
[ laughs ]
102
00:04:15,626 --> 00:04:17,928
Ohh, I wish I had herb's
Manager job.
103
00:04:17,928 --> 00:04:19,790
All he does
Is watch cat videos all day.
104
00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:21,362
He never has to knight
Anything.
105
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,693
Yeah, herb's killing it.
106
00:04:22,693 --> 00:04:24,365
Helen: [ british accent ]
Uh, let's look around.
107
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:27,868
So this, for example --
Monstrosity --
108
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,370
Is gonna have to go.
109
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,442
Anything that looks like tin,
But actually isn't,
110
00:04:31,442 --> 00:04:32,443
Is probably paper.
111
00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:33,574
That can go.
112
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,045
Who is that?
113
00:04:35,045 --> 00:04:36,707
Oh,
It's the new owner.
114
00:04:36,707 --> 00:04:38,909
She got the restaurant
In a divorce settlement.
115
00:04:38,909 --> 00:04:41,011
If you want to be manager,
She's the one to impress.
116
00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:42,553
So...
117
00:04:42,553 --> 00:04:43,714
[ laughs ]
118
00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:45,956
You would have made
A wonderful mime.
119
00:04:45,956 --> 00:04:47,958
You're so good.
120
00:04:50,861 --> 00:04:52,423
Hello.
121
00:04:52,423 --> 00:04:54,965
My name is jackie joyner-kersee,
And I work for you.
122
00:04:54,965 --> 00:04:57,428
Oh, did I just hear
What I thought I heard?
123
00:04:57,428 --> 00:04:59,069
Yes, my name is
Jackie joyner-kersee.
124
00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:00,501
When we moved here,
We took on the names of --
125
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,433
I mean your accent.
126
00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:04,074
Never thought
I'd find a fellow brit
127
00:05:04,074 --> 00:05:07,307
Working at one of my husband's
Taco...Situations.
128
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,381
Yes. That's me.
Just a brit.
129
00:05:10,381 --> 00:05:12,082
Well, helen reading-kemper.
Pleasure.
130
00:05:12,082 --> 00:05:15,446
Pleased to meet you,
Helen reading-kemper-pleasure.
131
00:05:15,446 --> 00:05:16,447
Oh!
132
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,354
[ squeals ]
He's an aspiring mime.
133
00:05:23,354 --> 00:05:25,926
So good.
Aw.
134
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:29,930
Reggie, I can't decide if I want
This foot-massaging ottoman
135
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:33,103
In horse-mane mahogany
Or shark-tooth ivory.
136
00:05:33,103 --> 00:05:35,466
You have a flair for design.
What does your gut say?
137
00:05:35,466 --> 00:05:37,638
My gut says you should help me
Clip coupons.
138
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:38,969
Oh,
We don't need coupons.
139
00:05:38,969 --> 00:05:40,641
Your mother is out
Earning mad coin
140
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,513
At the mexican
Folded-sandwich shop.
141
00:05:42,513 --> 00:05:44,344
Maybe you should
Get a job too.
142
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,346
What?! Me?!
143
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,948
A job?!
144
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,480
I have a job!
145
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:53,053
It's called "Being the supreme
Leader of this community,"
146
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,486
And a big part of that
Is keeping up appearances.
147
00:05:55,486 --> 00:05:57,988
It seems like all you do
Is buy meaningless stuff.
[ scoffs ]
148
00:05:57,988 --> 00:06:02,032
Reggie, this bracelet not only
Monitors my r.E.M. Sleep,
149
00:06:02,032 --> 00:06:04,064
It also comes fully loaded
150
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,036
With every song
R.E.M. Ever recorded.
151
00:06:06,036 --> 00:06:07,738
Now,
If that is meaningless...
152
00:06:07,738 --> 00:06:10,571
I probably shouldn't
Have bought two of them.
153
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,903
Father,
Can we get a dog?
154
00:06:12,903 --> 00:06:16,447
Absolutely. A purebred.
That is the spirit.
155
00:06:16,447 --> 00:06:18,449
Good, because I heard
Panhandlers make more money
156
00:06:18,449 --> 00:06:20,511
When they have
A cute dog.
157
00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:22,983
Dick, everyone
In this family has a job.
158
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:27,387
Your mother sells tacos,
And we men keep up appearances.
159
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,860
Sorry, father.
Shame.
160
00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:34,094
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go and parade my fur.
161
00:06:38,128 --> 00:06:40,901
He looks phenomenal.
162
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,904
♪♪♪
163
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,736
Larry:
Behold me, marty weaver.
164
00:06:45,736 --> 00:06:48,909
For I am a fancy boy without
A financial care in the --
165
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,081
Wait a minute.
What's happening here?
166
00:06:51,081 --> 00:06:53,083
You're sawing lumber.
167
00:06:53,083 --> 00:06:55,686
You're listening to something
Besides michael bublé.
168
00:06:55,686 --> 00:06:57,848
It's almost as if you were
Recently emasculated,
169
00:06:57,848 --> 00:07:00,751
And now you're subconsciously
Overcompensating
170
00:07:00,751 --> 00:07:02,653
To prove your manhood.
171
00:07:02,653 --> 00:07:06,426
Larry, that's is...
Incredibly perceptive.
172
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,859
I'm not just a pretty face
In a gorgeous hat.
173
00:07:08,859 --> 00:07:10,160
Yeah, no,
You're right, larry.
174
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,833
I guess I am trying to
Feel like a man.
175
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:16,006
Larry, last night, debbie and I,
We had date night.
176
00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:18,469
And it started out great.
I ordered --
177
00:07:18,469 --> 00:07:21,071
Please spare me
The extraneous details.
178
00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:22,613
I have three more blocks
To parade,
179
00:07:22,613 --> 00:07:24,775
And this hat is much hotter
Than I anticipated.
180
00:07:24,775 --> 00:07:28,448
It's real polar bear.
Don't tell anyone.
181
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,950
Tell everyone!
182
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,623
Sorry.
You were saying.
183
00:07:32,623 --> 00:07:34,024
Well, after dinner...
Mm-hmm.
184
00:07:34,024 --> 00:07:35,926
...You know, we came home.
Mm-hmm.
185
00:07:35,926 --> 00:07:38,058
...And, um...
I couldn't, uh...
186
00:07:39,089 --> 00:07:41,492
I couldn't achieve lift-off,
If you know what I'm saying.
187
00:07:41,492 --> 00:07:43,133
Oh, marty.
188
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,996
All I know is baby polar bear
Does not breathe.
189
00:07:45,996 --> 00:07:48,969
Uh, look --
Oh, you need advice.
190
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,142
Um, it's my understanding
That men on this planet
191
00:07:52,142 --> 00:07:53,674
Overcompensate
For their problems
192
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,777
By throwing themselves into
Something totally unrelated.
193
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:59,109
Looks like
You're on your way.
194
00:07:59,109 --> 00:08:00,511
Well done. Carry on.
195
00:08:00,511 --> 00:08:01,812
Now, if you'll excuse me,
196
00:08:01,812 --> 00:08:04,815
I have to stick my head
In the deep freezer.
197
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:10,791
So we moved here
When my ex was hired
198
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,793
To bring salsa castle
Stateside.
199
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,124
Two years later,
I have no husband,
200
00:08:14,124 --> 00:08:15,796
A taco restaurant,
And a 10-year-old
201
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,097
Who blames me
For the whole mess.
202
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,901
So I'm just one gay sidekick
Away from a show on bravo.
203
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:22,032
I have a 10-year-old son,
As well.
204
00:08:22,032 --> 00:08:24,174
Oh! That's another thing
We have in common.
205
00:08:24,174 --> 00:08:26,076
Are you married?
I hope not.
206
00:08:26,076 --> 00:08:27,277
No.
207
00:08:27,277 --> 00:08:29,239
I am divorced,
Just like you.
Rough.
208
00:08:29,239 --> 00:08:31,642
What are the odds?
So slim.
209
00:08:31,642 --> 00:08:34,985
It's been very nice to have a
Fellow countrywoman to talk to.
Yes.
210
00:08:34,985 --> 00:08:36,987
I will see you soon,
I hope.
211
00:08:36,987 --> 00:08:39,049
Uh...How about tonight?
212
00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:41,521
You could come over for dinner.
Our sons could meet.
213
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,023
Ooh, well, um...
214
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,126
A traditional english dinner
Does sound very nice,
215
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,098
If it's not
Too last-minute?
216
00:08:48,098 --> 00:08:50,831
Oh, no, no. It's exactly
The perfect amount of minutes.
217
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:51,832
[ laughs ] Yay.
218
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,104
Yay!
Oh!
219
00:08:54,104 --> 00:08:56,106
Bye!
Bye.
220
00:08:56,106 --> 00:08:58,268
Oh, this is perfect!
We're gonna bond.
221
00:08:58,268 --> 00:09:00,170
And she's going to see
That I am just like her.
222
00:09:00,170 --> 00:09:02,973
And in no time at all, she's
Going to promote me to manager!
223
00:09:02,973 --> 00:09:04,244
I just have to pretend
To be divorced,
224
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:07,047
And that my sons
Are from british.
225
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,820
Sometimes I pretend
You're divorced.
Oh.
226
00:09:15,726 --> 00:09:17,557
Hey, jackie.
227
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,590
Want to have
Another brainstorming sesh?
228
00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:21,932
I can't brainstorm today.
Well, why not?
229
00:09:21,932 --> 00:09:24,895
Because it is...
Zabvronian new year.
230
00:09:24,895 --> 00:09:26,667
Oh, happy new...Year.
[ door slams ]
231
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,799
Hey, toots.
Hey!
232
00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:30,771
Want to talk?
[ door slams ]
233
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:35,776
I was voted
"Best listener"!
234
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,809
[ sighs ]
Family, gather!
235
00:09:38,809 --> 00:09:40,681
Oh, baby, baby, please. Come on.
We've talked about this.
236
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:43,313
Can you change out of
Your uniform in the garage
237
00:09:43,313 --> 00:09:45,886
So that you don't stink up the
House with your burrito smell?
238
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,818
I am the one
Supporting this family.
239
00:09:47,818 --> 00:09:49,690
I will smell
How I please.
240
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,862
So, my boss and her son are
Coming over tonight for dinner.
241
00:09:51,862 --> 00:09:53,924
But they think we're fancy
And british
242
00:09:53,924 --> 00:09:55,966
Because, unlike our children,
We chose the best human accents.
243
00:09:55,966 --> 00:09:59,269
So I'm going to need you
To pretend to be british people.
244
00:09:59,269 --> 00:10:00,931
Absolutely not!
245
00:10:00,931 --> 00:10:03,603
I'm not gonna
Put on a performance
For this british snob.
246
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,835
Good.
You're not invited.
247
00:10:04,835 --> 00:10:07,037
What? Oh,
Now I desperately want to go.
248
00:10:07,037 --> 00:10:08,608
How did you do that,
You devil?
249
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,280
No, you can't come.
She thinks we're divorced.
250
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,783
Well, we'll say we're cordially
Divorced and live together.
251
00:10:12,783 --> 00:10:14,184
It's modern.
252
00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:15,916
"The cosby show" was about
A couple that lived like that.
253
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,789
Okay, fine -- cordially divorced
Like the cosbys.
254
00:10:18,789 --> 00:10:20,190
So, what do you say,
Boys?
255
00:10:20,190 --> 00:10:22,853
Can you learn how to be british
In the next eight hours?
256
00:10:24,194 --> 00:10:25,896
♪♪♪
257
00:10:25,896 --> 00:10:28,929
♪ god save our gracious queen ♪
258
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,401
♪ long live our noble queen ♪
259
00:10:31,401 --> 00:10:34,104
♪ god save the queen ♪
260
00:10:34,104 --> 00:10:36,937
♪ send her victorious ♪
261
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,810
♪ happy and glorious ♪
262
00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:42,372
♪ long to reign over us ♪
263
00:10:42,372 --> 00:10:44,915
♪ god save the queen ♪
264
00:10:44,915 --> 00:10:47,748
♪ o lord, our god arise ♪
265
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,220
♪ scatter her enemies ♪
266
00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:52,723
♪ and make them fall ♪
Mm. Yeah.
267
00:10:52,723 --> 00:10:55,756
♪ confound their politics ♪
268
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,658
♪ frustrate their
Knavish tricks ♪
269
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,791
♪ on thee our hopes we fix ♪
270
00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:03,063
♪ god, save us all! ♪
271
00:11:06,036 --> 00:11:07,197
Oi!
272
00:11:07,197 --> 00:11:08,869
[ doorbell rings ]
Oh, they're here.
273
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,101
Arrange yourselves.
Yes.
274
00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:13,974
[ clears throat ]
275
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,445
Welcome, helen!
Come in!
276
00:11:15,445 --> 00:11:18,208
Jackie,
It's so nice to see you.
277
00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:19,880
And thank you
For inviting us...
278
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,682
♪♪♪
279
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,856
[ british accent ]
The name's james bond.
280
00:11:25,856 --> 00:11:27,187
James bond.
281
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:30,420
Hi. Hi, I'm helen.
282
00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:32,322
And this is my son,
Nicholas.
283
00:11:32,322 --> 00:11:34,424
Larry bird -- the ex.
284
00:11:34,424 --> 00:11:36,466
I still live here
Because we're modern.
285
00:11:36,466 --> 00:11:38,799
Sometimes I take lovers,
And they live here, too.
286
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:41,431
We've modeled our lives after
Fellow brit tilda swinton.
287
00:11:41,431 --> 00:11:45,105
She moved her lover into
The home she shares with her ex,
288
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:49,880
So, you see...
I'm just a tilda.
289
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:54,014
And so this young man
Is the lover?
290
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,116
What's wrong with you?!
He's our son!
291
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,388
[ cockney accent ] Oi, oi, oi,
Welcome to me flat.
292
00:11:58,388 --> 00:12:01,021
'ope you like manchester,
Right?
293
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,153
Oh, wait.
I screwed up my intro.
294
00:12:03,153 --> 00:12:06,857
The name's james -- no!
[ grunts ]
295
00:12:06,857 --> 00:12:08,999
It's me -- james --
Wait, that's not right.
296
00:12:08,999 --> 00:12:12,102
Oi! Oi! Oi!
297
00:12:12,102 --> 00:12:14,264
Tally ho. Pip, pip, what?
[ chuckles ]
298
00:12:17,007 --> 00:12:20,971
Hey, did you know it was
The zabvronian new year?
299
00:12:20,971 --> 00:12:22,342
Nope. I've been
Pretty slammed here.
300
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:23,844
Well, jackie
Was weird about it,
301
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,877
So I made her a banner
To cheer her up.
302
00:12:26,877 --> 00:12:28,278
I came up
With this whole backstory
303
00:12:28,278 --> 00:12:31,121
For the guy in the print shop
About this imaginary land.
304
00:12:31,121 --> 00:12:33,824
And did you draw yourself
A tattoo?
305
00:12:33,824 --> 00:12:34,985
Yep.
It's a rattlesnake.
306
00:12:34,985 --> 00:12:36,957
You know, I just thought
I'd temp it on there,
307
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,959
See how I felt about it
Before I committed.
308
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,991
So far, I'm loving it.
309
00:12:40,991 --> 00:12:45,395
Yeah, so, um,
I have an idea.
310
00:12:45,395 --> 00:12:47,337
Since there's nothing
You want to talk about,
311
00:12:47,337 --> 00:12:50,871
Why don't we skip the talking
And go upstairs
312
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:54,805
And have ourselves another
Date night again?
313
00:12:54,805 --> 00:12:57,277
[ laughs nervously ]
You're crazy.
314
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,810
Come on. You know date night
Is friday night.
315
00:12:59,810 --> 00:13:01,982
You're crazy.
[ laughs ]
316
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,084
Marty.
317
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,856
[ drill whirring ]
Marty!
318
00:13:05,856 --> 00:13:07,087
I-I'm sorry, hon.
I have to drill.
319
00:13:11,962 --> 00:13:13,964
Why are we eating
In the bedroom?
320
00:13:13,964 --> 00:13:16,426
Oh, we're eating upstairs,
Because, helen, like you,
321
00:13:16,426 --> 00:13:18,098
We are strictly
Upstairs people.
322
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,199
It's in our blood.
323
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,301
Well, she crafted a tong
Down the frog
324
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,474
For the apples and pears,
Saved a lot of trouble.
325
00:13:24,474 --> 00:13:26,576
[ chuckles nervously ] Sorry?
Right.
326
00:13:26,576 --> 00:13:27,978
I got them anywhere
From in china,
327
00:13:27,978 --> 00:13:30,040
But, mind you,
I'm more of a susan boyle.
328
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,883
The name's goldfinger.
James goldfinger.
329
00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:35,115
Dinner
Will be served shortly.
330
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,287
It's a traditional
English dinner.
331
00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:39,549
It's traditional shepherd's pie,
332
00:13:39,549 --> 00:13:42,052
As is our mutual
British tradition.
333
00:13:42,052 --> 00:13:44,324
Why don't you say "Tradition"
One more time?
334
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,425
Helen:
You remind me of my ex.
335
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,057
Jackie:
'course he does.
336
00:13:47,057 --> 00:13:49,159
We both had terrible,
Ungrateful husbands,
337
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:51,361
Which makes us
Practically twins.
338
00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:53,033
And twins look out
For each other
339
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,604
In the professional world.
340
00:13:54,604 --> 00:13:56,937
Care to ask my name?
341
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,268
[ scoffs ]
I know your name.
342
00:13:58,268 --> 00:14:00,440
It's james bond.
No. It's not.
343
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,943
It's bond. Bond bond.
344
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:06,246
[ sighs ]
I'm tanking this.
345
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:09,049
Ugh! Enough!
I hate it here!
346
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:12,022
I'll be downstairs
Playing "Mario."
347
00:14:12,022 --> 00:14:13,223
Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine!
348
00:14:13,223 --> 00:14:14,925
You leave me
Just like your father.
349
00:14:14,925 --> 00:14:20,060
Well, let's not allow
That sad parenting moment
350
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,392
To ruin an otherwise
Glorious evening.
351
00:14:22,392 --> 00:14:27,197
Boys, sing us the music
Of our people!
352
00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:32,943
[ beeping ]
353
00:14:32,943 --> 00:14:34,274
♪ if you want to be my lover ♪
354
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,476
Dick: ♪ you got to get
With my friends ♪
355
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,979
♪ got to get with my friends ♪
♪ with my friends ♪
356
00:14:44,614 --> 00:14:46,316
Happy new year!
357
00:14:46,316 --> 00:14:48,358
[ noisemaker blows ]
358
00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:50,620
[ laughs ]
Oh, who are you?
359
00:14:50,620 --> 00:14:51,891
I'm nicholas.
360
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,523
Are you visiting
For new year's?
361
00:14:53,523 --> 00:14:55,395
Oh, great.
You're crazy, too.
362
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,228
Is someone here?
Oh, debbie. Hi.
363
00:14:58,228 --> 00:15:01,301
I was just drawing our family
New year's bath.
364
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:04,134
Oh, hell no.
No, I'll be in the car.
365
00:15:04,134 --> 00:15:06,306
Jackie,
What's going on here?
366
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:09,309
[ normal voice ]
Hello, pussycat.
Oh, hi, dick.
367
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,281
Happy new year!
368
00:15:11,281 --> 00:15:13,913
I don't know what you're
Talking about, pussycat.
369
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:17,517
Jackie, didn't you say it was
The zabvronian new year?
370
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,649
All right, fine,
I made the whole thing up,
371
00:15:19,649 --> 00:15:21,091
'cause I didn't want you
To know the truth,
372
00:15:21,091 --> 00:15:23,253
Which is
That I got a menial job.
373
00:15:23,253 --> 00:15:24,594
You did?
374
00:15:24,594 --> 00:15:25,956
Yes.
375
00:15:25,956 --> 00:15:27,497
I'm actually entertaining
My boss right now
376
00:15:27,497 --> 00:15:29,559
In the hopes
Of a promotion.
377
00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:32,532
Oh, jackie, I'm so sorry.
Why didn't you tell me?
378
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,464
Because I didn't want you
To look down on me.
379
00:15:34,464 --> 00:15:36,636
You're always saying you
Wouldn't want to do any work
380
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,468
That wasn't fulfilling,
And my job is...
381
00:15:38,468 --> 00:15:39,539
It's just a job.
382
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,541
Jackie, do you know how many
"Just jobs"
383
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,343
I've had in my lifetime?
384
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,614
No.
385
00:15:44,614 --> 00:15:47,577
Oh, a cater waiter,
A dish washer, a hair washer,
386
00:15:47,577 --> 00:15:49,449
A dish dryer,
A hair dryer --
387
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,482
I spent most of my 20s
Getting things wet or unwet.
388
00:15:52,482 --> 00:15:54,184
[ laughs ]
389
00:15:54,184 --> 00:15:55,585
I'm proud of you,
Jackie.
390
00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:58,528
There's nothing embarrassing
About supporting your family.
391
00:15:58,528 --> 00:15:59,629
Thank you, debbie.
392
00:15:59,629 --> 00:16:01,731
If only my husband
Shared your opinion.
393
00:16:01,731 --> 00:16:04,294
Oh, husbands are exhausting.
Mine --
394
00:16:04,294 --> 00:16:07,367
Hey,
Larry can I talk to...
395
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,698
You?
396
00:16:08,698 --> 00:16:11,341
Why do you need to talk
To larry?
Larry: that's it!
397
00:16:11,341 --> 00:16:14,504
I can't take one more minute
With that british snob.
398
00:16:14,504 --> 00:16:16,376
Oh, do you need
More advice?
399
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,049
Is it still about trying to lift
Something off of debbie?
400
00:16:19,049 --> 00:16:23,053
[ gasps ] You talked to him,
But you didn't talk to me?
401
00:16:23,053 --> 00:16:26,556
Deb, wait a minute --
Just one second.
402
00:16:26,556 --> 00:16:29,389
[ door slams ]
Ohh, this is exhausting.
403
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,522
Can we please stop
Trying to impress people
404
00:16:32,522 --> 00:16:35,225
And get that dreadful woman
Out of my bedroom/dining room?
405
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:36,626
No, we cannot, larry.
406
00:16:36,626 --> 00:16:38,628
We have to impress her
So that she gives me a promotion
407
00:16:38,628 --> 00:16:42,302
So that we can keep the
Electricity on for our children.
408
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,304
[ sighs ]
If you will excuse me,
409
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,306
I am going to go and try
And salvage the evening.
410
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,608
Why don't you buy yourself
Another foot massager,
411
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:51,581
Seeing as you refuse to be
Part of the solution?!
412
00:16:58,118 --> 00:16:59,289
[ sighs ]
413
00:16:59,289 --> 00:17:03,423
Yes,
I am part of the problem.
414
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:07,427
Deb. Come on, deb.
Deb, stop. Stop.
415
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:10,430
Please,
Just listen to me, okay.
416
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,162
I was embarrassed.
417
00:17:12,162 --> 00:17:14,164
I never had
That problem before.
418
00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,166
It didn't exactly make me feel
Like mickey rourke.
419
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:17,637
[ chuckles ]
420
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:20,310
You need to update
Your sexy reference.
421
00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:23,773
Marty,
We've been together 28 years.
422
00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:26,746
What happened last night
Has never happened.
423
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,278
Well, now,
There was that one time
424
00:17:28,278 --> 00:17:30,450
After the really upsetting
Episode of "S.V.U."
425
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,152
Remember?
Doesn't count.
426
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,084
That was your body
Being respectful.
427
00:17:34,084 --> 00:17:35,585
That's true.
Other than that,
428
00:17:35,585 --> 00:17:39,129
Your reputation
Is flawless.
429
00:17:39,129 --> 00:17:40,630
Well,
When you say it like that,
430
00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:43,263
I guess...I'm kind of like
A stud, huh?
431
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:46,136
I'm a regular
Michael bolton.
432
00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:50,570
Michael bolton?
We need to get you out more.
433
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,373
Apologies
For all the craziness.
434
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,506
I guarantee that my shepherd's
Pie is well worth the wait.
435
00:17:58,708 --> 00:18:01,211
Baa!
436
00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:06,386
Okay. Okay, I think it's time
That I joined my son.
437
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,787
You people are insane.
438
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,659
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Um, okay.
439
00:18:09,659 --> 00:18:11,661
Look, it's just that --
I'm not --
440
00:18:11,661 --> 00:18:12,592
We're not --
441
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,494
We are not
Who we say we are.
442
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:17,797
Well,
We're not british society.
443
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:19,199
Larry bird.
444
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:24,434
Yes, I was once
A fancy daddy's boy.
445
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:28,278
I rowed crew on the charles,
Traveled with prince charles,
446
00:18:28,278 --> 00:18:30,610
Went to every taping
Of "Charles in charge,"
447
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,482
But then my father
Cut me off.
448
00:18:32,482 --> 00:18:35,615
My ex-wife was hoping
To impress you tonight
449
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,617
So that you would
Promote her to manager,
450
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,152
Because she is the only one
Supporting our family.
451
00:18:42,152 --> 00:18:44,694
I tried to pretend I was helping
By keeping up appearances.
452
00:18:44,694 --> 00:18:48,698
But the truth is,
I never had a real job,
453
00:18:48,698 --> 00:18:53,263
At least not one I didn't
Inherit from my father.
454
00:18:53,263 --> 00:18:56,236
What if I find that my wife
Is good at everything,
455
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,238
And I'm no good
At anything at all?
456
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,710
Helen: oh, god.
457
00:19:00,710 --> 00:19:03,243
So just another useless
Trust-fund baby.
458
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,544
Yeah,
Exactly like my ex.
459
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:07,877
Jackie, I thought
I saw myself in you.
460
00:19:07,877 --> 00:19:10,750
I didn't realize we'd both
Married the exact same moron.
461
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,853
However,
You will get your promotion.
462
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:17,527
Oh!
Because I can't see how you can
Support two children and a fool
463
00:19:17,527 --> 00:19:20,860
By squirting cheese out of
The end of a sword all day.
464
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,563
Oh, thank you so much!
465
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:24,934
I-I don't know
How I'm going to repay you.
466
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:28,238
Aw. Well, you can start by not
Inviting me to dinner again.
467
00:19:28,238 --> 00:19:30,200
Oh.
Good night.
468
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,206
To jackie!
To jackie!
469
00:19:36,206 --> 00:19:39,279
What about me? I really
Came through in the end.
470
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,681
I mean, it seemed like it was
Jackie's story at the beginning,
471
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,553
But it was really my story
At the end.
472
00:19:43,553 --> 00:19:45,485
I'm the one who grew.
473
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:46,556
We're very proud of you,
Too, larry.
474
00:19:46,556 --> 00:19:48,558
And from now on,
No more secrets.
475
00:19:48,558 --> 00:19:49,719
Oh, it's okay.
476
00:19:49,719 --> 00:19:51,721
When it comes
To money and sex,
477
00:19:51,721 --> 00:19:53,793
Humans should keep
Some things to themselves.
478
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,295
What?
Who's talking about sex?
Hmm.
479
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:56,626
Seriously?
[ cellphone beeps ]
480
00:19:56,626 --> 00:19:58,298
Oh, sorry, guys.
481
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,930
That's the alarm for me to take
My new cholesterol meds.
482
00:20:00,930 --> 00:20:02,632
Wait, is your medication the one
With the tv commercial
483
00:20:02,632 --> 00:20:05,475
With the couple dancing
In the gazebo?
484
00:20:05,475 --> 00:20:06,936
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. I hate
That he has to take it.
485
00:20:06,936 --> 00:20:08,207
I watched this segment
486
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,410
On the 11th hour
Of the "Today" show
487
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,681
Where they talked
About the side effects.
488
00:20:11,681 --> 00:20:13,813
Yeah, well, luckily,
I haven't had any side eff--
489
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:17,447
The cholesterol medicine!
Of course!
490
00:20:17,447 --> 00:20:18,688
I knew it wasn't me!
Oh!
491
00:20:20,850 --> 00:20:23,523
That was me.
Mm.
492
00:20:27,957 --> 00:20:29,299
Goodbye,
Solar-powered blender.
493
00:20:29,299 --> 00:20:31,661
Oh, the fun we would have had
On the beach.
494
00:20:31,661 --> 00:20:35,365
Fare thee well,
Bidet-on-the-go.
495
00:20:35,365 --> 00:20:38,568
May you find someone else
To keep as fresh as a daisy.
496
00:20:38,568 --> 00:20:40,640
Well, that's it.
497
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,012
That's all my fanciness.
498
00:20:43,012 --> 00:20:44,444
Mm.
499
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,316
Mm.
Mm.
500
00:20:47,917 --> 00:20:48,978
All right.
501
00:20:48,978 --> 00:20:52,652
That's everything,
You bloodhound.
502
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,584
We'll mail this back
Tomorrow.
503
00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:56,586
I'm very proud of you,
Husband.
504
00:20:56,586 --> 00:21:00,860
I hope your pride keeps my head
As warm as a summer day
505
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:04,964
And my undercarriage
As fresh as a spring morning.
506
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,367
♪♪♪
507
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,299
The name's bond.
508
00:21:09,299 --> 00:21:10,570
James bond.
509
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:12,642
Dick! It's over!
510
00:21:12,642 --> 00:21:14,644
Aw, bloody hell.
38304
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