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1
00:00:01,032 --> 00:00:02,033
(rooster crows)
2
00:00:02,033 --> 00:00:04,004
(snoring, alarm beeps)
3
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:07,538
(dolly parton's "9 to 5"
Playing)
4
00:00:07,538 --> 00:00:10,511
♪♪♪
5
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,083
(exhales)
6
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,616
♪ tumble out of bed
And I stumble to the kitchen ♪
7
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:18,049
♪ pour myself
A cup of ambition ♪
8
00:00:18,049 --> 00:00:23,194
♪ and yawn and stretch
And try to come to life ♪
9
00:00:23,194 --> 00:00:25,126
♪ jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumpin' ♪
10
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:27,428
♪ out on the streets
The traffic starts jumpin' ♪
11
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:31,362
♪ with folks like me
On the job from 9 to 5 ♪
12
00:00:31,362 --> 00:00:32,363
(claps)
13
00:00:32,363 --> 00:00:34,405
♪ workin' 9 to 5 ♪
14
00:00:34,405 --> 00:00:37,208
♪ what a way to make a livin' ♪
15
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:38,609
♪ barely gettin' by ♪
16
00:00:38,609 --> 00:00:41,212
♪ it's all takin'
And no givin' ♪
17
00:00:41,212 --> 00:00:43,744
♪ they just use your mind ♪
18
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:46,046
♪ and they never
Give you credit ♪
19
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:50,751
♪ it's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it ♪
20
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:53,354
♪ 9 to 5 ♪
21
00:00:54,725 --> 00:00:57,088
(chomping sounds)
Mmm.
22
00:00:57,088 --> 00:00:58,289
(boy) wait up!
23
00:00:58,289 --> 00:00:59,430
(car horn honks)
24
00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:02,663
Mom, I officially
Hate what I'm wearing.
25
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,635
I know, baby,
But at least it's clean.
26
00:01:04,635 --> 00:01:06,367
I'll throw in a wash
When I get home.
27
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,569
Just tell the other kids
It's--it's eclectic.
28
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,641
And don't forget
I have hockey today.
29
00:01:10,641 --> 00:01:12,403
And abby has scouts.
Amber has debate.
30
00:01:12,403 --> 00:01:13,404
With this new schedule,
31
00:01:13,404 --> 00:01:15,246
I need six more hours
In the day.
32
00:01:15,246 --> 00:01:16,247
(abby) look out!
(tires screech)
33
00:01:16,247 --> 00:01:18,479
Oh! (gasps)
34
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,851
Just what the morning
Was missing.
35
00:01:22,413 --> 00:01:25,786
All right. Learn lots,
And be right back here at 3:15!
36
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,658
(door slides closed)
37
00:01:27,658 --> 00:01:31,122
(woman in distance) no running!
(girl) I found it!
38
00:01:31,122 --> 00:01:34,165
Max! Wait!
39
00:01:34,165 --> 00:01:35,526
You forgot your lunch!
40
00:01:35,526 --> 00:01:37,298
(children laughing)
41
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,631
Mom, get back in the car!
42
00:01:40,631 --> 00:01:42,203
What?
43
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:45,606
(laughter continues)
44
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:46,607
Oh, god.
45
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,579
My mom's eclectic.
46
00:01:53,384 --> 00:01:58,789
♪♪♪
47
00:01:58,789 --> 00:02:01,752
Yes, beth, I will pick up
The girls after scouts,
48
00:02:01,752 --> 00:02:04,225
But on thursday, could...
49
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,657
I will pick them up
On thursday, too.
50
00:02:06,657 --> 00:02:09,260
This is a hell of a system
We got goin', beth.
51
00:02:09,260 --> 00:02:10,701
Hello?
52
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:11,702
Hello?
53
00:02:11,702 --> 00:02:13,234
(sighs)
(beeps)
54
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:19,270
Oh, take me away,
You beautiful celebrities.
55
00:02:19,270 --> 00:02:20,211
Unh-unh.
56
00:02:20,211 --> 00:02:22,313
Tori spelling
Did not wear that better.
57
00:02:22,313 --> 00:02:25,176
And maria menounos did?
58
00:02:25,176 --> 00:02:27,248
It's called a brassiere,
Miss menounos.
59
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,649
Look into it.
(sighs deeply)
60
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,781
We're ready for you to take us
To one of your grocery stores
61
00:02:30,781 --> 00:02:33,324
So we can cross off another
Experience on our bucket list.
62
00:02:33,324 --> 00:02:35,186
Oh, right. That was today.
63
00:02:35,186 --> 00:02:37,157
You know what, guys?
I'm having a tough week.
64
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,230
The kids have started
All-new activities,
65
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:41,232
And marty's
Working late, so...
Well, yes,
66
00:02:41,232 --> 00:02:43,334
You can go over the details
Of your life along the way.
67
00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:45,196
What life, larry? I'm a mom.
68
00:02:45,196 --> 00:02:46,467
I'm a limo driver
Without a limo.
69
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,339
I have no life.
Perfect.
70
00:02:48,339 --> 00:02:50,301
Chop-chop, driver.
Ugh.
71
00:02:50,301 --> 00:02:53,244
(muzak playing)
These boxes go on forever.
72
00:02:53,244 --> 00:02:55,676
And you humans actually
Feed this to your children?
73
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,478
(sniffs)
Is it to punish them?
74
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,210
No, larry,
Not a punishment.
75
00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:00,311
It's called cereal.
76
00:03:00,311 --> 00:03:03,314
It's 98% processed sugar
Spray-painted pink.
77
00:03:03,314 --> 00:03:04,355
You're better off
Eating the box.
78
00:03:04,355 --> 00:03:05,756
Hey there.
Hello.
79
00:03:05,756 --> 00:03:07,958
Oh, everyone's so friendly
At the grocery store.
80
00:03:07,958 --> 00:03:09,820
Yes. Especially the males
To my wife.
81
00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:10,821
What's that all about?
82
00:03:10,821 --> 00:03:12,523
Uh-huh. I should have
Warned you--
83
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,625
Technically, this is
The pickup grocery store--
84
00:03:14,625 --> 00:03:15,966
A lot of creepy single dads
85
00:03:15,966 --> 00:03:17,968
And way-overdressed
Divorced ladies.
86
00:03:17,968 --> 00:03:19,500
Hello, ma'am.
87
00:03:20,571 --> 00:03:21,872
It's annoying,
88
00:03:21,872 --> 00:03:23,334
But the produce here
Is way better
89
00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:25,205
Than at
The regular family stores.
90
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,338
Hello there.
Hello.
91
00:03:27,338 --> 00:03:29,940
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Wait a second.
92
00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:33,284
So you're saying that these men
Saying hello to my wife,
93
00:03:33,284 --> 00:03:35,286
That they're--
They're flirting, larry.
94
00:03:35,286 --> 00:03:36,887
They're letting her know
That they find her attractive.
95
00:03:36,887 --> 00:03:38,389
I am?
She is?
96
00:03:38,389 --> 00:03:42,222
Are you kidding?
Larry, your wife is a 10.
97
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,554
Out of how many?
98
00:03:43,554 --> 00:03:47,227
Because if she's a 10,
I'm at least a 38.
99
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,331
I'm confused.
Back on our home planet,
100
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,762
Larry bird was
The beautiful one.
101
00:03:51,762 --> 00:03:52,933
Really?
102
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,234
Yes, really.
103
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,707
In zabvronian form,
We measure beauty
104
00:03:56,707 --> 00:03:59,239
By the size and depth
Of a translucent green aura
105
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,342
That radiates
From our bodies.
106
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,474
Jackie's aura was like
A gray jersey smog.
107
00:04:03,474 --> 00:04:05,646
It's true. I'm hideous.
108
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,978
I naturally assumed
That our beauty ratio
109
00:04:07,978 --> 00:04:09,350
Would translate on earth.
110
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,282
Well, larry,
I hate to break it to you,
111
00:04:11,282 --> 00:04:13,284
But it didn't.
112
00:04:13,284 --> 00:04:14,655
Nonsense!
113
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,387
You're the hot one
In your marriage.
114
00:04:16,387 --> 00:04:17,928
I don't see anyone
Flirting with you.
115
00:04:17,928 --> 00:04:19,330
Well, larry, I'm not exactly
116
00:04:19,330 --> 00:04:21,362
Screaming "Swingin' single"
This morning,
117
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,733
But when you're a mom
Raising three kids,
118
00:04:22,733 --> 00:04:24,565
Sometimes you can't
Find the time
119
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,397
To work on your upkeep,
And you just...
120
00:04:26,397 --> 00:04:27,638
(gasps)
121
00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:30,571
Oh, my god. I'm dressed
Like adam sandler.
122
00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,443
Oh, my god.
123
00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:34,475
I'm not as hot as my wife.
124
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,307
Oh, my god.
125
00:04:36,307 --> 00:04:38,309
I'm pretty.
126
00:04:39,510 --> 00:04:41,011
(whirs)
127
00:04:43,314 --> 00:04:44,885
Hey, mom, whatcha doin'?
128
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,457
Oh, thanks for asking,
Amber.
129
00:04:46,457 --> 00:04:47,988
I'm in the mood
To get glammed up,
130
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,620
So I've been going through--
All right, I'm gonna
Shut this down,
131
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:52,923
'cause I really don't care.
Um, can I borrow $50?
132
00:04:52,923 --> 00:04:53,924
No.
133
00:04:53,924 --> 00:04:55,566
But I have to ask you
One thing.
134
00:04:55,566 --> 00:04:57,328
If I were to get
All styled up,
135
00:04:57,328 --> 00:04:59,330
Do you think I could
Get into a club?
136
00:04:59,330 --> 00:05:01,332
A book club?
A nightclub.
137
00:05:01,332 --> 00:05:03,504
I saw some pictures
Of this place in new york--
138
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:05,305
Hell.
It looks like fun.
139
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,479
The thing is, amber,
I'm not just a mom.
140
00:05:08,479 --> 00:05:10,511
I'm also a woman.
141
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,743
Mom, I love you.
142
00:05:12,743 --> 00:05:15,416
It's clear you're...
Going through something,
143
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,318
But I have to believe
That's what dad is for.
144
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,091
So... Peace.
145
00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:22,553
I'm not just a mom!
146
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:27,398
Honey, I cut my elbow.
147
00:05:27,398 --> 00:05:29,029
Can you put neosporin
On it?
148
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,961
Ohh. It hurts.
149
00:05:30,961 --> 00:05:34,034
...Eight, nine, ten.
150
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,706
Ready or not, here we come!
151
00:05:35,706 --> 00:05:37,468
Here I am!
152
00:05:37,468 --> 00:05:39,870
No, dick,
It's hide-and-seek.
153
00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:42,042
You hide, we seek.
154
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,814
You don't want to be found.
155
00:05:43,814 --> 00:05:47,518
With all due respect,
We are children, not idiots.
156
00:05:47,518 --> 00:05:50,481
Is there not a more mentally
Challenging game we could play?
157
00:05:52,122 --> 00:05:54,485
Fine. I'll hide again.
158
00:05:56,527 --> 00:05:57,858
How can you children play
159
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,631
When a tragedy
Has befallen this family?
160
00:06:00,631 --> 00:06:02,433
I lost my looks!
161
00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:04,495
I'll never be
In one of these magazines.
162
00:06:04,495 --> 00:06:06,467
I want to be pretty.
163
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:09,440
Can't you do that weird
Clap-over-your-head thing
164
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,842
And turn into george clooney
Or something?
165
00:06:11,842 --> 00:06:15,646
Oh, george clooney...
166
00:06:15,646 --> 00:06:17,377
Wubba-wubba.
167
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,651
Abby, mommy told you
To stop doing that.
168
00:06:20,651 --> 00:06:22,483
Yes, I'm with mommy
On this one.
169
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,615
Anyway, children are
The only ones
170
00:06:24,615 --> 00:06:26,016
That can change their shape.
171
00:06:26,016 --> 00:06:29,420
And besides, if I were to
Transform myself magically
172
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:33,824
Into an overrated sex symbol,
It wouldn't be george clooney.
173
00:06:33,824 --> 00:06:35,426
It would be christian bale.
174
00:06:35,426 --> 00:06:37,498
Christian bale...
175
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,530
Cut me off a slice of that.
176
00:06:39,530 --> 00:06:41,472
Abby!
I have to figure out
177
00:06:41,472 --> 00:06:44,575
A way to be more
Physically appealing.
178
00:06:44,575 --> 00:06:46,837
You could get a makeover
Like they do on tv.
179
00:06:46,837 --> 00:06:49,740
Ohh. This is
Real life, kids.
180
00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:51,542
It's not tv.
181
00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:54,615
We are a family of aliens
Living amongst humans.
182
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:58,418
And every week, we tackle
A new problem together
183
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,552
And learn that, while we may be
From different backgrounds,
184
00:07:01,552 --> 00:07:06,557
Even planets, family dynamics
Are, in fact, universal.
185
00:07:06,557 --> 00:07:10,430
It's real life, kids.
It's not tv.
186
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,662
Ugh.
187
00:07:11,662 --> 00:07:15,035
Besides, how could
I even get a makeover?
188
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,467
Amber could help.
189
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:20,471
She's obsessed with
Those stupid makeover shows.
190
00:07:20,471 --> 00:07:22,613
She hogs our whole dvr
With them.
191
00:07:22,613 --> 00:07:23,674
Wait a second.
192
00:07:23,674 --> 00:07:27,718
Amber weaver, that sad sack
Of slouching grouch,
193
00:07:27,718 --> 00:07:29,550
Can make me
Look like johnny depp?
194
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,482
Mr. Depp...
195
00:07:31,482 --> 00:07:34,525
Table for two confirmed.
196
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:35,686
Abby!
(max) abby!
197
00:07:35,686 --> 00:07:37,057
Hey, guys.
198
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,890
When you're done with
The creepiest conversation ever,
199
00:07:39,890 --> 00:07:41,532
It's called hide-and-seek,
200
00:07:41,532 --> 00:07:43,534
Not hide-and-talk.
201
00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:45,536
Now try to find me.
202
00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:49,640
Is he for real?
203
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:50,871
I'm not sayin'
I want the person
204
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,472
In the grocery store
Hittin' on me.
205
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,045
I'm just sayin' it would
Be nice to be noticed.
206
00:07:55,045 --> 00:07:56,046
I notice you.
207
00:07:56,046 --> 00:07:57,778
I used to have it
So together,
208
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,479
And now
We're sharing sweatshirts.
209
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,952
When you don't have to
Get dressed for work,
210
00:08:01,952 --> 00:08:03,183
It's a slippery slope,
Marty.
211
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:06,517
I dropped the kids off
In my underwear yesterday.
212
00:08:06,517 --> 00:08:08,559
Oh, see, honey,
Now that sounds hot to me.
213
00:08:08,559 --> 00:08:12,893
Babe, there is a reason
Why you are the hottest m.I.L.F.
214
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,494
In all the kids' classes,
Okay?
215
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,568
And I look
At these things... A lot.
216
00:08:17,568 --> 00:08:18,899
All right. Easy, cowboy.
217
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:23,203
Well, maybe, you know,
I don't wanna be a m.I.L.F.
218
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:26,707
Maybe just once, I'd like to,
You know, drop the "M."
219
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,179
Just be an I.L.F.
Is that a thing?
220
00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:33,544
I just want a day off
Where I can feel like a woman.
221
00:08:33,544 --> 00:08:34,815
Like--oh!
Remember that movie
222
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,987
We were watching in bed
The other night,
223
00:08:36,987 --> 00:08:39,620
Where that woman takes the train
Into the city by herself,
224
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,222
And she meets that beautiful
French guy with all the books?
225
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,094
You mean "Unfaithful"?
226
00:08:44,094 --> 00:08:45,525
You know I'm bad
With the titles.
227
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,958
The point is, she had
This nice passing moment
228
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,860
With a stranger
In the street.
229
00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,732
Oh, and she was wearing
That cute blue dress.
230
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,564
Yeah. Then they had
An affair,
231
00:08:53,564 --> 00:08:54,565
And her husband killed him.
232
00:08:54,565 --> 00:08:55,666
Oh.
233
00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:58,208
Well, I fell asleep
Before that happened.
234
00:08:58,208 --> 00:09:00,811
You know I can't stay awake
Unless it's a michael bay film.
235
00:09:00,811 --> 00:09:02,973
But I don't want that.
I want the first part--
236
00:09:02,973 --> 00:09:06,617
The cute blue dress
And a couple of hours to myself.
237
00:09:06,617 --> 00:09:07,618
Okay.
238
00:09:07,618 --> 00:09:09,680
Then do it.
You go ahead.
239
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,151
You-- you--you take
The day today.
240
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,654
Whatever you want.
I can handle the kids.
241
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,586
Really? And you understand?
242
00:09:15,586 --> 00:09:17,187
Totally. All the way, hon.
243
00:09:17,187 --> 00:09:19,029
Look, you do so much
For us, you know?
244
00:09:19,029 --> 00:09:20,260
Let me do something
For you.
245
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,734
Oh, you know, marty,
You are always surprising me.
246
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:25,195
Just when I think
I'm sittin' there
247
00:09:25,195 --> 00:09:26,697
Looking at this
Goofy man-child
248
00:09:26,697 --> 00:09:30,340
Who can't even put neosporin
On his own elbow,
249
00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:33,844
And feeling like my life
Is getting claustrophobic
250
00:09:33,844 --> 00:09:36,306
And closing in on me,
251
00:09:36,306 --> 00:09:39,349
You say exactly
What I needed to hear.
252
00:09:39,349 --> 00:09:41,351
Thanks for understanding,
Babe.
253
00:09:41,351 --> 00:09:42,753
(kisses)
254
00:09:44,815 --> 00:09:46,657
"Goofy man-child"?
255
00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:51,962
Oh, boy.
256
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,669
Amber,
Your mother just said
257
00:09:58,669 --> 00:09:59,970
A bunch of concerning things
To me.
258
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:01,732
She used words
Like "Goofy man-child."
259
00:10:01,732 --> 00:10:03,333
I will spare you
The details,
260
00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:05,135
But I need you to help me
Step up my look for your mom.
261
00:10:05,135 --> 00:10:06,837
Step in line, pal.
262
00:10:06,837 --> 00:10:08,278
I'm getting pretty first.
263
00:10:08,278 --> 00:10:10,010
I went to the grocery store
264
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,042
And found that jackie
Is better-looking than me.
265
00:10:12,042 --> 00:10:13,243
Oh, buddy.
You didn't have to go
266
00:10:13,243 --> 00:10:15,215
All the way to the grocery store
To learn that.
267
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,386
Well-played, dad.
Right?
268
00:10:16,386 --> 00:10:18,649
I'm reeling. I'm not
Used to being like you--
269
00:10:18,649 --> 00:10:20,320
Far less attractive
Than my wife.
270
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,192
And larry bird
Gets on the board.
271
00:10:22,192 --> 00:10:24,695
So you both need
My makeover prowess.
272
00:10:24,695 --> 00:10:26,626
And if you've seen
Any makeover shows,
273
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,199
You know what that means--
Hideous "Before" pictures,
274
00:10:29,199 --> 00:10:31,631
Shopping,
The emotional pep talk,
275
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,264
And finally, the big reveal,
Where the whole family applauds
276
00:10:34,264 --> 00:10:36,737
Because they no longer
Have to love an ugly person.
277
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:37,808
I'm down.
Sounds great.
278
00:10:37,808 --> 00:10:39,409
What's in it for me?
279
00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:41,411
The knowledge that you
Helped a once-great leader
280
00:10:41,411 --> 00:10:43,373
Regain his confidence.
No.
281
00:10:43,373 --> 00:10:45,115
To help reawaken
My sex appeal
282
00:10:45,115 --> 00:10:46,376
And keep your mother
Interested in me.
283
00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:49,119
And I just threw up
In my mouth... Twice.
284
00:10:49,119 --> 00:10:52,322
Amber, perhaps my friend
Might help persuade you.
285
00:10:52,322 --> 00:10:55,686
Say hello
To george washington.
286
00:10:55,686 --> 00:10:56,887
Leave.
287
00:10:56,887 --> 00:11:00,660
Whose brother abe
Just came to the party.
288
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,292
6 whole dollars?
289
00:11:02,292 --> 00:11:04,394
Holy god,
You're terrible at this.
290
00:11:04,394 --> 00:11:06,396
Lucky for you, I'm broke.
291
00:11:06,396 --> 00:11:09,669
Kids, we're goin' to the mall.
292
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,872
The money was a good idea.
293
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,343
Right.
294
00:11:15,405 --> 00:11:17,047
Hey, jackie.
295
00:11:17,047 --> 00:11:19,149
What are you doing
In my garage?
296
00:11:19,149 --> 00:11:20,851
(door closes)
Trying out all the mirrors
In the neighborhood,
297
00:11:20,851 --> 00:11:22,753
And I wanted to see
If I look pretty in one
298
00:11:22,753 --> 00:11:24,815
In which I may be closer
Than I appear.
299
00:11:24,815 --> 00:11:26,686
Frankly, I'm still not
Seeing it.
300
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,761
Oh, please.
Jackie, you are a knockout.
301
00:11:30,761 --> 00:11:32,462
I'm taking a day off
From being a mom.
302
00:11:32,462 --> 00:11:34,464
Wanna have
A day of beauty?
303
00:11:34,464 --> 00:11:37,768
Like spa,
Shopping, hair.
304
00:11:37,768 --> 00:11:39,469
We could buy you
Some new clothes.
305
00:11:39,469 --> 00:11:42,873
Oh! It could be
Your "Pretty woman" montage,
306
00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:44,474
Where you try on
Tons of clothes
307
00:11:44,474 --> 00:11:45,705
Until you find
That magical piece
308
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,838
That looks perfect on you.
309
00:11:47,838 --> 00:11:49,209
Ooh.
310
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:53,143
(the pentagons) ♪ I like the way
You look at me ♪
311
00:11:53,143 --> 00:11:54,785
♪ your pretty, pretty eyes ♪
312
00:11:54,785 --> 00:11:56,817
♪♪♪
313
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:59,950
♪ I like the way you love me ♪
(song distorts and stops)
314
00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:02,092
Well, that didn't take long.
315
00:12:02,092 --> 00:12:04,124
Okay. Now me.
316
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:07,727
(song distorts and resumes)
♪ the way
You make me understand ♪
317
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,261
Ooh. That was fun,
Debbie weaver.
318
00:12:11,261 --> 00:12:13,964
Right? God, I love
Being de-mommed.
319
00:12:13,964 --> 00:12:14,965
Look at this top--
320
00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:17,337
Not a drop of mustard
On it.
321
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,469
It's sort of a let-down to waste
These outfits and this hair
322
00:12:19,469 --> 00:12:21,171
On an empty house.
323
00:12:21,171 --> 00:12:24,014
Well, we could go out,
Just the two of us.
Oh.
324
00:12:24,014 --> 00:12:26,246
Hold on. Wait.
325
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,477
Here. Hell.
326
00:12:27,477 --> 00:12:29,249
Hell?
We're going to hell.
327
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,520
We're going to hell?
We're going
Straight to hell.
328
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,252
Why are we going
Straight to hell?
It's a club.
329
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,423
Oh.
In the city.
330
00:12:33,423 --> 00:12:35,755
Zac efron
And leonardo dicaprio go there.
331
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,857
Gangsta.
Yeah.
332
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,528
We could try to get in,
Spot a few celebs,
333
00:12:38,528 --> 00:12:40,160
And then come home
Before it gets too late.
334
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,331
Let's do it!
Yes!
335
00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:42,492
Yes!
Come on!
336
00:12:42,492 --> 00:12:44,494
Ooh! Okay, hell.
337
00:12:44,494 --> 00:12:46,466
(hip-hop music playing)
338
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,038
(man) you four, come on.
Let's go.
339
00:12:48,038 --> 00:12:50,400
Oh, god, I'm not
Getting in here.
340
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,302
I just spent $62
341
00:12:52,302 --> 00:12:54,444
To park my minivan
In an underground garage.
342
00:12:54,444 --> 00:12:55,405
I'm in hell.
343
00:12:55,405 --> 00:12:58,508
No, technically,
You're not in hell yet.
344
00:12:58,508 --> 00:13:01,181
All right.
You two, let's go.
345
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,113
Look at all these kids,
346
00:13:03,113 --> 00:13:06,456
With their metal shoes
And their confusing hair.
347
00:13:06,456 --> 00:13:09,219
I'm not gettin' in.
I'm just a mom.
348
00:13:09,219 --> 00:13:11,261
Debbie weaver,
You are not just a mom.
349
00:13:11,261 --> 00:13:13,123
You're sexy
And you're gorgeous,
350
00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:16,366
And my only chance of getting in
Is with you at my side.
351
00:13:16,366 --> 00:13:18,198
♪♪♪
352
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,270
Let's do this.
(whispers) yes.
353
00:13:20,270 --> 00:13:22,802
Ooh.
354
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,837
♪♪♪
355
00:13:26,837 --> 00:13:28,378
Whoa. Ladies.
356
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,383
♪♪♪
357
00:13:33,383 --> 00:13:34,544
Have a nice time.
358
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:37,547
♪♪♪
359
00:13:37,547 --> 00:13:40,820
Whoo-hoo!
We got in! We are so cool!
360
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,122
Girls...
361
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,524
Don't make me regret
Lettin' you in here.
362
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,227
Understood, sir.
363
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,159
(woman) ♪ if I had my way,
I'd rather play ♪
364
00:13:49,159 --> 00:13:51,501
♪ every day
Would be saturday ♪
365
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:52,562
We're home!
366
00:13:52,562 --> 00:13:55,906
(larry) jackie!
Behold my makeover!
367
00:13:55,906 --> 00:13:58,338
They chemically removed
The color from my hair
368
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,910
And sprayed it on my face!
369
00:13:59,910 --> 00:14:01,371
I'm a 10 again!
370
00:14:01,371 --> 00:14:02,512
Guys?
371
00:14:02,512 --> 00:14:06,846
(dick, muffled voice)
Hello? I'm in here!
372
00:14:08,618 --> 00:14:10,580
(singsongy) hello?
373
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:18,228
Hide-and-seek is literally
The worst game ever.
374
00:14:18,228 --> 00:14:21,861
Did none of you realize
You'd left me at home?
375
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,533
Dick, where is everyone?
376
00:14:23,533 --> 00:14:26,866
Mom and debbie weaver
Got dressed up and went to hell.
377
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,269
As far as I'm concerned,
You can all go there, too.
378
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:31,541
Wait. Wait, this whole
Makeover thing was for nothing?
379
00:14:31,541 --> 00:14:33,103
All right,
Now might be a good time
380
00:14:33,103 --> 00:14:35,375
For your standard
Post-makeover, pre-reveal
381
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,377
Emotional pep talk.
382
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,251
Unfortunately,
I fast-forward
383
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:42,983
Through that part
Of makeover shows,
384
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,554
'cause frankly,
Emotion bores me.
385
00:14:44,554 --> 00:14:46,886
All right. We look great.
We do.
386
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,919
It's time to remind our wives
How great.
387
00:14:48,919 --> 00:14:49,920
Yes.
388
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,191
Amber, you're babysitting.
389
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,423
Larry, let's hit it.
Let's hit it.
390
00:14:53,423 --> 00:14:55,895
No one else is playing, kid.
391
00:14:58,068 --> 00:14:59,599
(lid clatters)
392
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:03,974
Seriously, this game
Should be called hide-and-sucks.
393
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,941
♪♪♪
394
00:15:10,941 --> 00:15:12,442
Thanks, jackie.
395
00:15:12,442 --> 00:15:13,944
This really was
What I needed.
396
00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,415
We got dressed up,
397
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,387
Found out we could
Get into a club.
398
00:15:17,387 --> 00:15:21,151
And, wow, the music
Is really loud in here.
399
00:15:21,151 --> 00:15:22,152
How you doing?
400
00:15:22,152 --> 00:15:23,994
I was almost
On "The apprentice."
401
00:15:23,994 --> 00:15:25,595
Move along, pal.
402
00:15:25,595 --> 00:15:28,158
Work on
Your pickup line.
403
00:15:28,158 --> 00:15:31,001
At the risk
Of sounding ungrateful,
404
00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:32,432
Being hot
Is growing tiresome.
405
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,065
I know. Let me run
To the bathroom,
406
00:15:35,065 --> 00:15:36,466
And we'll go home.
407
00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:38,108
Excuse me!
408
00:15:38,108 --> 00:15:41,171
Sorry. Coming through!
Coming through.
409
00:15:41,171 --> 00:15:44,074
Ow. That's my toe.
410
00:15:44,074 --> 00:15:46,346
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ooh. Excuse me.
411
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,318
Oh, my god,
You're michael bay.
412
00:15:48,318 --> 00:15:50,120
Oh, my god,
I am michael bay.
413
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,521
I love all your movies.
414
00:15:51,521 --> 00:15:53,283
"Armageddon" was epic.
415
00:15:53,283 --> 00:15:55,555
Oh, that is--that's a good word.
I like that word.
416
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,287
The animal crackers?
Hated that scene.
417
00:15:57,287 --> 00:15:58,288
Really?
Hated that scene.
418
00:15:58,288 --> 00:15:59,959
Loved it.
419
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,291
You an actress?
420
00:16:01,291 --> 00:16:03,593
Oh, I did a play in junior high,
But that's it.
421
00:16:03,593 --> 00:16:05,235
Shame. You'd look so good
422
00:16:05,235 --> 00:16:07,167
Walking away from an explosion
In slow motion.
423
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,168
(laughs)
424
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,140
Not tonight, starsky & hutch.
425
00:16:10,140 --> 00:16:12,102
Come on, man, please.
You gotta let us in.
426
00:16:12,102 --> 00:16:13,243
I can't let you in here.
427
00:16:13,243 --> 00:16:14,974
You look like
Ellen degeneres.
428
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:18,478
What if we left you
With our sexy little friend
429
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,410
George washington?
430
00:16:20,410 --> 00:16:22,152
Oh, not again.
Uh-oh.
431
00:16:22,152 --> 00:16:25,185
Looks like frankie d.'s
In the house.
432
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:28,118
All right, come here.
433
00:16:28,118 --> 00:16:29,259
(lowered voice) I want you
To keep him distracted.
434
00:16:29,259 --> 00:16:30,590
I'm gonna look
For another way in.
435
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,991
Okay.
436
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,124
♪♪♪
437
00:16:34,124 --> 00:16:36,126
You know what
I don't understand is,
438
00:16:36,126 --> 00:16:38,298
What's so special
About this club
439
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,370
As compared to...
440
00:16:40,370 --> 00:16:43,073
That one over there
With no line?
441
00:16:43,073 --> 00:16:44,474
Why don't you go over there
And find out?
442
00:16:44,474 --> 00:16:45,535
Well, I will.
443
00:16:45,535 --> 00:16:47,707
Here I come...
444
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:50,710
Manhunters.
445
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:53,513
So you came all this way
446
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,145
Just to see
If you could get in?
447
00:16:55,145 --> 00:16:56,316
Well, sometimes
You need to go out
448
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,547
To see if you still got it.
449
00:16:57,547 --> 00:16:59,049
Well, take it
From a total stranger,
450
00:16:59,049 --> 00:17:00,250
You definitely got it.
451
00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:03,022
Thank you, michael bay.
452
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,394
Wait. Say that again?
453
00:17:04,394 --> 00:17:05,455
You're gorgeous.
454
00:17:05,455 --> 00:17:08,128
Huh. Nothin'.
That's weird.
455
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,130
And we have all your movies
On loop,
456
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,362
And still, I feel
Absolutely nothing.
457
00:17:12,362 --> 00:17:14,804
Wow.
Hello.
458
00:17:14,804 --> 00:17:16,166
I couldn't help but notice
459
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:18,068
The most beautiful I.L.F.
In this place.
460
00:17:18,068 --> 00:17:20,140
Hey, pal, I'm having a talk
With the lady here.
461
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,072
I know,
But I'm here now, pal.
462
00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:26,276
And I have
Just one question to ask.
463
00:17:26,276 --> 00:17:29,119
Is it me, or is it crazy loud
In here?
464
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:30,520
It is so loud
In here.
465
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,282
Were clubs
Always this loud?
466
00:17:32,282 --> 00:17:34,224
And very crowded.
Way too many people,
467
00:17:34,224 --> 00:17:35,755
All night long
I've been wondering
468
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,088
Why I'm not home watching
"Shark tank" on tivo.
469
00:17:38,088 --> 00:17:41,191
I have a real shark tank
You can cozy up in front of.
470
00:17:41,191 --> 00:17:42,292
♪♪♪
471
00:17:42,292 --> 00:17:44,063
You're not just a mom.
472
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,736
It's okay.
I love being a mom.
473
00:17:46,736 --> 00:17:49,639
Sometimes you just
Need a day, you know?
474
00:17:49,639 --> 00:17:51,101
Are those skinny jeans?
Yeah.
475
00:17:51,101 --> 00:17:52,602
You should probably
Get used to 'em,
476
00:17:52,602 --> 00:17:54,804
'cause they're not coming off
For, like, a month.
477
00:17:54,804 --> 00:17:56,246
Take me home?
478
00:17:56,246 --> 00:17:57,307
I would love to.
479
00:17:57,307 --> 00:17:59,209
♪♪♪
480
00:17:59,209 --> 00:18:02,212
Better luck next time, buddy.
481
00:18:02,212 --> 00:18:05,585
I can't believe how much
That guy looks like michael bay.
482
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,458
What the hell
Just happened?
483
00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:11,191
Oh, my god.
You're michael bay.
484
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,263
There we go.
485
00:18:13,263 --> 00:18:14,224
(chuckles)
486
00:18:14,224 --> 00:18:16,496
(debbie laughs) ohh.
Excuse me, sir. Great place.
487
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,398
Oh, it's cold.
488
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:21,431
Well, then allow me...
Milady.
489
00:18:21,431 --> 00:18:23,433
Mmm.
490
00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:25,405
And I do love
Wearing your clothes.
491
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:28,178
Debbie weaver!
Where'd you go?
Oh!
492
00:18:28,178 --> 00:18:30,580
Oh, jackie, I left you.
493
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:33,383
Yes, you did,
With all those horrible people.
494
00:18:33,383 --> 00:18:34,414
(imitate new york accent)
"I like ya legs.
495
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:35,785
Ya ever been in a porsche?"
496
00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:37,687
Hey, do you know
What happened to my friend?
497
00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:38,788
Orange british dude?
498
00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:39,789
Yeah.
499
00:18:39,789 --> 00:18:41,151
Went to manhunters.
500
00:18:41,151 --> 00:18:42,152
Manhunters?
501
00:18:42,152 --> 00:18:43,423
(woman) ♪ me and my girls ♪
502
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:44,794
♪ boys I like ♪
503
00:18:44,794 --> 00:18:47,126
♪ boys I, I like ♪
504
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,658
♪ boys I like ♪
505
00:18:48,658 --> 00:18:50,330
Attention!
506
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,662
Larry bird, are you here?
507
00:18:52,662 --> 00:18:53,763
(larry) jackie?!
508
00:18:53,763 --> 00:18:55,805
Husband!
509
00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:57,807
Look at you.
510
00:18:57,807 --> 00:19:00,440
Well? Aren't you going
To fall all over yourselves
511
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,243
Trying to say hi to my wife?
512
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,314
Why?
513
00:19:04,314 --> 00:19:05,645
You're way hotter
Than she is.
514
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,877
(laughs)
515
00:19:07,877 --> 00:19:10,880
And all is right
With the universe again.
516
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,423
It's a bit silly,
Isn't it?
517
00:19:13,423 --> 00:19:15,585
The whole looks thing.
518
00:19:15,585 --> 00:19:17,357
I'm sorry if
I got carried away.
519
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,789
And I'm sorry if I got
Insecure...
520
00:19:19,789 --> 00:19:21,331
And orange.
521
00:19:21,331 --> 00:19:22,192
Mm.
522
00:19:22,192 --> 00:19:24,394
You were always
The beautiful one.
523
00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:26,165
♪♪♪
524
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,238
So you wanna dance, mama?
525
00:19:28,238 --> 00:19:31,671
And I don't mean "Mama"
In the mom way.
526
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,673
I-I mean it
In the hot way.
527
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,705
Not that moms aren't hot...
(speaks indistinctly)
All right. Shut up and dance!
528
00:19:35,705 --> 00:19:37,277
Just dance.
529
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:40,850
♪ boys I like,
Boys I, I like ♪
530
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,418
I can't believe
That was really michael bay,
531
00:19:48,418 --> 00:19:49,689
And he hit on my wife.
532
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,321
He did.
533
00:19:51,321 --> 00:19:53,263
Michael friggin' bay
534
00:19:53,263 --> 00:19:56,266
Hit on my sexy wife.
535
00:19:56,266 --> 00:19:58,398
Okay, I don't know
If it's sexy or weird
536
00:19:58,398 --> 00:19:59,669
That that's turning you on.
537
00:19:59,669 --> 00:20:01,501
I don't know, either,
But it's happening.
538
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,533
I can see that.
539
00:20:03,533 --> 00:20:06,676
Stop! Wait!
(breathing heavily)
540
00:20:06,676 --> 00:20:09,939
I'm officially and forever done
With hide-and-seek.
541
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,283
By the way,
It wouldn't kill you
542
00:20:13,283 --> 00:20:15,685
To dust under there
Every now and then.
543
00:20:18,448 --> 00:20:19,819
(clears throat)
38418
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