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1
00:00:01,432 --> 00:00:02,403
My name is debbie weaver.
2
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,774
This is my family.
3
00:00:03,774 --> 00:00:05,306
This is our old apartment
In bayonne, new jersey.
4
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:07,708
My husband marty got us a deal
On a town house--
5
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,111
Nicer neighborhood,
Wider streets.
6
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,742
Just one little problem--
7
00:00:11,742 --> 00:00:14,315
Our neighbors are all
From another planet...
8
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:15,486
Literally.
9
00:00:22,093 --> 00:00:23,324
Look at this, marty.
10
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:26,057
There's so much
To volunteer for.
11
00:00:26,057 --> 00:00:28,059
We could make a real difference
At this school.
12
00:00:28,059 --> 00:00:30,101
This is boring.
Humans are boring.
13
00:00:31,202 --> 00:00:33,164
Larry bird is underwhelmed.
14
00:00:33,164 --> 00:00:34,735
Well, why don't you find
Something that interests you?
15
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:37,768
Yeah, like, I think
We're gonna join the p.T.A.
16
00:00:37,768 --> 00:00:39,440
(breathes deeply)
What? What was that?
17
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,572
I don't know. The p.T.A.?
I mean, maybe this year
18
00:00:41,572 --> 00:00:43,814
We should volunteer
For different things.
19
00:00:43,814 --> 00:00:45,716
You know?
I could coach soccer.
20
00:00:45,716 --> 00:00:47,078
(scoffs) oh, coaching.
21
00:00:47,078 --> 00:00:48,349
Okay, what was that?
22
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:49,650
I love when you coach.
Love it.
23
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,482
Well, you talk about
Making a difference.
24
00:00:51,482 --> 00:00:53,084
Well, coaching is it.
25
00:00:53,084 --> 00:00:54,555
What's better than
Molding young minds
26
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,587
Through organized athletics,
Right?
27
00:00:56,587 --> 00:00:59,130
Oh, that sounds interesting.
Come on, marty.
28
00:00:59,130 --> 00:01:01,262
It's you blowing a whistle
While a bunch of kids
29
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,534
Run across a field like
A herd of confused cattle.
30
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:05,296
It's hardly manchester united.
31
00:01:05,296 --> 00:01:07,638
What does this, uh,
P.T.A. Do exactly?
32
00:01:07,638 --> 00:01:09,240
It helps the school--
Bake sales.
33
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,402
Bake sales
Are a small part of it.
34
00:01:11,402 --> 00:01:14,475
It's also a chance
To install an arts program.
35
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:17,248
Yeah, and get mired in bickering
And petty politics.
36
00:01:17,248 --> 00:01:20,411
Bickering and petty politics?
Oh, that sounds delightful.
37
00:01:20,411 --> 00:01:22,583
Just like zabvronian council.
38
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,356
Wife, I think I will join
Debbie weaver
39
00:01:25,356 --> 00:01:27,218
On this t.P.A.,
40
00:01:27,218 --> 00:01:29,790
And you can coach soccer
With marty.
Oh, excellent!
41
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:33,194
Now hold on. Do you even
Know anything about sports?
Oh, yes.
42
00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:34,565
I was nothing exceptional
As a child,
43
00:01:34,565 --> 00:01:37,698
But sports gave me some
Much-needed self-esteem.
44
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,270
I was hoping
That our little dick
45
00:01:39,270 --> 00:01:41,101
Might follow
In my footsteps.
46
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,773
(dick butkus, groaning)
Why are you fighting me?
47
00:01:42,773 --> 00:01:44,875
(groaning)
48
00:01:44,875 --> 00:01:48,839
(ball bounces)
(sighing)
49
00:01:48,839 --> 00:01:51,512
Good luck, coach.
(pats back)
50
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,484
♪♪♪
51
00:01:56,487 --> 00:01:57,718
(clicks tongue)
52
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,820
Well, this is
Boilerplate stuff.
53
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,893
You say this is similar
To your zabvronian council?
54
00:02:02,893 --> 00:02:04,725
You should have no trouble
Keeping up.
55
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,427
Where's your butcher of hope?
Hmm?
56
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,830
Tall chap, wears a dark hood
To mask his eternal sorrow.
57
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,502
Puts an end to debates.
58
00:02:11,502 --> 00:02:13,264
How can you have
A proper meeting
59
00:02:13,264 --> 00:02:15,236
Without a butcher of hope?
60
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,508
Maybe skim this.
61
00:02:17,508 --> 00:02:19,570
The next item on the agenda
Is the bake sale
62
00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:21,272
For the new soccer uniforms.
63
00:02:21,272 --> 00:02:23,444
Now, after giving it
A lot of thought,
64
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,216
I've decided
We'll sell brownies.
65
00:02:25,216 --> 00:02:26,277
All in favor?
66
00:02:26,277 --> 00:02:29,420
Ooh! Excuse me.
I'm debbie weaver,
67
00:02:29,420 --> 00:02:32,353
Max and abby's mom.
Hello, debbie.
68
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,425
I don't know your children,
But I'm sure you've taught them
69
00:02:34,425 --> 00:02:36,487
How rude it is
To interrupt someone.
70
00:02:36,487 --> 00:02:38,589
Oh. Fun.
71
00:02:38,589 --> 00:02:41,732
Well, uh, okay. I have
A couple of ideas.
72
00:02:41,732 --> 00:02:43,894
Back at our old school
In bayonne,
73
00:02:43,894 --> 00:02:46,437
We made gingerbread cookies
For the bake sale,
74
00:02:46,437 --> 00:02:49,200
And we decorated them
Like the soccer team,
75
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,541
And the kids loved 'em.
76
00:02:50,541 --> 00:02:51,902
And we ended up making
A lot of m--
(gavel bangs)
77
00:02:51,902 --> 00:02:53,604
Money.
78
00:02:53,604 --> 00:02:55,376
We made--
79
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:56,547
It was a lot of--
(gavel bangs)
80
00:02:56,547 --> 00:02:59,710
They were... Delicious.
81
00:02:59,710 --> 00:03:02,613
(whispering) the president has
Become your butcher of hope.
82
00:03:02,613 --> 00:03:04,455
Nothing good can come of this.
(under breath) just zip it!
83
00:03:04,455 --> 00:03:05,956
Thank you, debbie.
84
00:03:05,956 --> 00:03:08,289
I'm sure in bayonne,
You used what you had,
85
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:11,592
And I admire that, but we have
Different standards here.
86
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:13,424
So we'll be making brownies.
87
00:03:13,424 --> 00:03:16,196
This is ridiculous!
Marty was right.
88
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,769
The p.T.A. Is just
Petty politics. Let's go.
89
00:03:18,769 --> 00:03:20,731
(normal voice)
We shall do no such thing.
90
00:03:20,731 --> 00:03:22,773
This woman is not only
Attacking your idea,
91
00:03:22,773 --> 00:03:25,906
She's attacking your very being,
Your way of life, your children.
92
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,978
I think she just likes
Brownies.
93
00:03:27,978 --> 00:03:29,780
Excuse me.
94
00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:32,283
According to your guidelines,
95
00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:34,285
Any decisions
Regarding fund-raising
96
00:03:34,285 --> 00:03:36,787
Must be voted upon
By the entire group.
97
00:03:36,787 --> 00:03:39,990
Therefore, I move we vote--
98
00:03:39,990 --> 00:03:42,623
Gingerbread men or brownies?
99
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,325
I second the motion.
(women murmuring)
100
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,528
Fine. Next week,
You'll have your vote.
101
00:03:50,961 --> 00:03:52,963
What do we do now?
Divide and conquer.
102
00:03:52,963 --> 00:03:54,635
When linda's not around,
103
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,267
It'll be easier
To convince them.
104
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,738
We'll go after them
Separately.
105
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,640
Ooh! Pick 'em off
One by one.
106
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,573
Yes, and together,
We shall rule the galaxy.
107
00:04:02,573 --> 00:04:04,645
What?
What?
108
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,818
(children shouting)
(marty) keep moving, guys!
Keep it going! Pass the ball!
109
00:04:07,818 --> 00:04:09,820
Nice work, dick. Way to get
A piece of that ball.
110
00:04:09,820 --> 00:04:11,021
It's a great job.
111
00:04:11,021 --> 00:04:14,254
Mm. I'm confused.
I-I'm very confused.
112
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,927
It would appear that dick
Is not doing a great job.
113
00:04:16,927 --> 00:04:19,790
In fact, I would say that he is
The worst player on the team,
114
00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:22,493
And yet you keep lying
About his performance.
115
00:04:22,493 --> 00:04:24,895
Listen, jackie, coaching's about
Positive reinforcement.
116
00:04:24,895 --> 00:04:27,968
Okay, let's face it, kid's
Never gonna be david beckham.
117
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,641
(scoffs) we almost named him
David beckham.
118
00:04:30,641 --> 00:04:32,743
As a matter of fact,
I think with some practice,
119
00:04:32,743 --> 00:04:34,305
Dick could be
The greatest soccer player
120
00:04:34,305 --> 00:04:36,046
The world has ever seen.
(boy) oh!
121
00:04:36,046 --> 00:04:37,508
Yeah, not so much.
122
00:04:37,508 --> 00:04:41,011
I would lower
Those expectations... A lot.
123
00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:42,913
Well, maybe he could
At least grow up
124
00:04:42,913 --> 00:04:44,415
To look like david beckham.
125
00:04:44,415 --> 00:04:46,457
Mm, nope.
126
00:04:46,457 --> 00:04:48,989
But if we encourage him,
He'll probably have a good time.
127
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,791
Come on, guys,
Keep it going! Move it along!
128
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,022
Get the ball, dick!
129
00:04:52,022 --> 00:04:54,425
Ow! (grunts)
Ow!
130
00:04:54,425 --> 00:04:55,566
(speaks indistinctly)
131
00:04:55,566 --> 00:04:56,927
That's it! Way to go, dick!
132
00:04:56,927 --> 00:04:59,069
You almost made contact
That time, buddy!
133
00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:02,573
Thanks.
Felt great, coach. Ow!
134
00:05:02,573 --> 00:05:04,805
(scoffs)
Yeah, not david beckham.
135
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,808
Remember, you are stronger
Than these women, debbie weaver.
136
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,641
They must do your bidding
Or feel your wrath.
137
00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:12,413
Oh, thanks, larry.
You know, it's nice
138
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,785
To have a man supporting me
On this.
139
00:05:14,785 --> 00:05:16,887
Do I have lipstick
On my teeth?
140
00:05:16,887 --> 00:05:18,449
Yes, but I thought
That was on purpose.
141
00:05:18,449 --> 00:05:20,921
Hi... Elizabeth.
142
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,623
I'm sorry to bother you
At home,
143
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:23,924
But we were wondering
If you had a few minutes
144
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,626
To talk about the bake sale.
145
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,528
I really haven't thought
Much about it.
146
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:30,330
I usually just vote with linda,
But I'll let you know.
147
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,933
Elizabeth, debbie weaver
Has spent all morning
148
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,466
Putting lipstick on her teeth
To come talk to you.
149
00:05:35,466 --> 00:05:37,107
I insist you hear her out.
150
00:05:37,107 --> 00:05:39,840
He's very passionate
About the p.T.A.
151
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,712
Okay. (breathing nervously)
152
00:05:41,712 --> 00:05:43,374
But the last time
I voted against linda,
153
00:05:43,374 --> 00:05:45,816
My daughter didn't have
A playdate for, like, a year.
154
00:05:45,816 --> 00:05:47,978
She's kinda chunky. She needs
All the friends she can get.
155
00:05:47,978 --> 00:05:50,350
And that's why this is
So important,
156
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,653
Because the p.T.A.
Is about everyone.
Everyone.
157
00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:53,984
Not just one person.
158
00:05:53,984 --> 00:05:55,486
Yes,
Today it's about cookies.
159
00:05:55,486 --> 00:05:57,688
Tomorrow it's banning
Your potbellied daughter
160
00:05:57,688 --> 00:05:59,590
From the yearbook.
161
00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:01,061
Elizabeth,
Mother to mother,
162
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,033
We can't let linda
Get away with this.
163
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:05,666
(exhales) come in.
164
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:09,470
(under breath) excellent.
165
00:06:14,004 --> 00:06:17,478
Plus gingerbread cookies have
Fewer calories than brownies.
166
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:20,110
I know you like to feed
Your kids healthy foods.
167
00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:22,913
I know you have
A blog about it, yeah.
168
00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:24,815
Listen, tracy, I gotta
Start making dinner.
169
00:06:24,815 --> 00:06:25,986
Can I count on your vote?
170
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,889
Yeah? Great! Thanks! Oh!
(door closes)
171
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,861
(telephone beeps)
Whoo-hoo!
172
00:06:30,861 --> 00:06:32,693
(laughing)
173
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:35,696
Oh, dear lord, those shorts.
174
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,728
Yeah, they still fit.
175
00:06:37,728 --> 00:06:40,030
Do they?
176
00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:42,102
How was your practice?
It was awesome.
177
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,574
You know what?
I really feel like
178
00:06:43,574 --> 00:06:44,975
I'm starting to make
A difference.
179
00:06:44,975 --> 00:06:48,078
How about you? How is your
Little, uh, cookie thing coming?
180
00:06:48,078 --> 00:06:50,541
It's not a little cookie thing,
Marty, okay?
181
00:06:50,541 --> 00:06:52,513
I'm fighting to keep
The p.T.A. Democratic.
182
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:54,515
Right. With gingerbread man.
That's right.
183
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,116
I mean, I'm not chasing
Little kids around
184
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,018
In lady pants all day, but--
Okay, hold on, hold on.
185
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:01,492
I'm not chasing kids around
In lady pants, okay?
186
00:07:01,492 --> 00:07:03,654
I'm creating
Lifelong memories.
187
00:07:03,654 --> 00:07:04,955
All right, you know what?
I'm sorry.
188
00:07:04,955 --> 00:07:07,658
I'm glad that you are
Enjoying coaching.
189
00:07:07,658 --> 00:07:09,500
I just think it was
A good decision for us
190
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,031
To do separate things.
Yeah, it was
A great decision,
191
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,103
And I'm happy that you're
Enjoying the p.T.A.
192
00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:15,035
Well, I'm happy you're happy
I'm enjoying the p.T.A.
193
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,843
Whew.
194
00:07:27,117 --> 00:07:28,579
So, tell me, debbie weaver,
195
00:07:28,579 --> 00:07:31,051
Does gingerbread man
Taste the same as regular man?
196
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,523
No.
Oh!
197
00:07:32,523 --> 00:07:33,854
Hello, debbie.
198
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,626
Out seeing
How the other half lives?
199
00:07:35,626 --> 00:07:36,657
Hi, linda.
200
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:37,928
Don't tell me
201
00:07:37,928 --> 00:07:39,490
You're still
Trying to drum up support
202
00:07:39,490 --> 00:07:40,991
For your gingerbread cookies?
We are.
203
00:07:40,991 --> 00:07:43,133
And we've just acquired
The necessary votes
204
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,966
To overrule your brownie
Mandate, so take that, lady.
205
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,699
You know, I've been president
Of the p.T.A. For a long time,
206
00:07:48,699 --> 00:07:50,771
And I've seen your type
Come and go.
207
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,472
You move to the suburbs
208
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,144
And bring the bad ideas
From the city with you.
209
00:07:54,144 --> 00:07:56,547
Well, I'm not gonna let that
Happen here, okay?
210
00:07:56,547 --> 00:07:59,680
Great. Beep-beep.
211
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,853
Ow! (seethes) ow, god.
212
00:08:02,853 --> 00:08:06,056
(baby crying)
213
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,821
Wow. She's really into
The p.T.A.
214
00:08:13,263 --> 00:08:15,526
Maybe we should just let her
Do what she wants.
215
00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:17,027
Absolutely not.
216
00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:19,169
I have a plan that will
Guarantee us victory.
217
00:08:19,169 --> 00:08:21,732
Yeah? Okay.
218
00:08:21,732 --> 00:08:23,173
But don't do anything weird.
219
00:08:23,173 --> 00:08:25,936
(scoffs) you're weird.
220
00:08:30,881 --> 00:08:32,543
(electricity crackling)
221
00:08:32,543 --> 00:08:34,915
(door opens)
Come on.
222
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,617
Good evening, husband.
223
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,589
Oh, hello, wife.
224
00:08:38,589 --> 00:08:41,592
Oh, you look troubled.
What's the matter?
225
00:08:41,592 --> 00:08:44,555
(sighs) dick had
Soccer practice today.
226
00:08:44,555 --> 00:08:46,757
And he was really quite awful,
But marty weaver
227
00:08:46,757 --> 00:08:48,659
Kept on telling him
He was doing a good job.
228
00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:51,662
He called it
"Positive reinforcement."
229
00:08:51,662 --> 00:08:55,205
Oh, these humans and their
"Everyone's special" baloney.
230
00:08:55,205 --> 00:08:57,237
Mm.
Have fun sucking hind teat
231
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,009
To the rest of the universe,
Losers.
232
00:08:59,009 --> 00:09:01,872
Uh, I'm very concerned
That if dick is a poor athlete,
233
00:09:01,872 --> 00:09:05,175
He'll lack self-esteem
And fail to grow up
234
00:09:05,175 --> 00:09:08,278
To be a strong, confident
Black woman like his mother.
235
00:09:08,278 --> 00:09:11,882
I found myself in sport.
I was hoping he would, too.
236
00:09:11,882 --> 00:09:15,555
Well, you might need to take
More control of the situation.
237
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,287
These humans
Are surprisingly soft.
238
00:09:17,287 --> 00:09:19,229
They must be pushed
Into action.
Mm-hmm.
239
00:09:19,229 --> 00:09:21,291
You know what's best
For your son.
240
00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:23,263
You must be fierce
And take no prisoners.
241
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,965
(sighs) ooh, I don't know,
Husband.
242
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,066
Yes, you can do this.
243
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,197
Be fierce
And take no prisoners.
244
00:09:27,197 --> 00:09:29,269
Say it with me.
245
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,902
Be fierce
And take no prisoners.
Fierce and prisoners--
No--I--sorry.
246
00:09:31,902 --> 00:09:33,573
Well, it's close enough.
247
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,205
And if all else fails,
We can always install
248
00:09:35,205 --> 00:09:37,277
A performance chip
In dick's brain.
249
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,809
Oh... (laughs)
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
250
00:09:38,809 --> 00:09:40,580
Ohh!
251
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,252
Thanks, boo.
Welcome, snookems.
252
00:09:42,252 --> 00:09:43,714
Mmm.
(door closes)
253
00:09:43,714 --> 00:09:45,315
(exhales)
254
00:09:45,315 --> 00:09:48,218
♪♪♪
255
00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:59,299
(creaks)
256
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:02,703
Reggie jackson,
Are you in position?
257
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:05,706
(door squeaks)
258
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:06,977
Yes, father.
Target acquired.
259
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,343
Activate gingerbread device.
260
00:10:13,343 --> 00:10:14,885
Understood.
261
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,919
♪♪♪
262
00:10:26,096 --> 00:10:28,098
(high-pitched voice)
Linda?
263
00:10:28,098 --> 00:10:30,060
Oh, linda?
264
00:10:32,362 --> 00:10:36,266
♪♪♪
265
00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:42,272
Hi, linda!
266
00:10:43,914 --> 00:10:45,345
Linda?
267
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,947
Hello?
268
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,378
Is somebody there?
269
00:10:48,378 --> 00:10:51,221
(shower running)
270
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,358
♪♪♪
271
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,260
(clicks switch)
Who's there?!
272
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,800
(high-pitched voice)
Linda!
273
00:11:11,241 --> 00:11:13,343
Is somebody here?
274
00:11:13,343 --> 00:11:15,245
Hello, linda.
275
00:11:15,245 --> 00:11:18,308
♪♪♪
276
00:11:18,308 --> 00:11:21,051
Aah!
277
00:11:21,051 --> 00:11:22,883
(high-pitched screaming)
278
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,785
Aah!
279
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,858
(high-pitched screaming
And laughing)
280
00:11:27,858 --> 00:11:29,189
(thud)
281
00:11:31,862 --> 00:11:33,724
The next... (clears throat)
282
00:11:33,724 --> 00:11:36,226
The next item
On the age-agenda--
283
00:11:36,226 --> 00:11:37,267
(rattling)
What was that?!
284
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,729
What was what?
285
00:11:38,729 --> 00:11:40,731
(lowered voice)
She seems so nervous.
286
00:11:40,731 --> 00:11:43,373
I think she knows
We got the votes.
(lowered voice) perhaps.
287
00:11:43,373 --> 00:11:45,305
Or... Perhaps
She's suffering
288
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,937
From post-traumatic
Stress disorder
289
00:11:46,937 --> 00:11:48,378
From something I may
Or may not have made happen
290
00:11:48,378 --> 00:11:49,910
At her house last night.
291
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,481
What did you do?
292
00:11:51,481 --> 00:11:53,083
I defeated her.
293
00:11:53,083 --> 00:11:55,185
Where I'm from,
We wage war
294
00:11:55,185 --> 00:11:57,017
Through
Psychological destruction.
295
00:11:57,017 --> 00:12:00,150
Our goal is to mentally
Crush our enemies
296
00:12:00,150 --> 00:12:02,322
Until they can no longer
Function in society.
297
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,494
I just wanted
Gingerbread cookies.
298
00:12:04,494 --> 00:12:07,227
And gingerbread cookies
You shall have.
299
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,229
(normal voice) excuse me.
300
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,502
I have a question regarding
The bake sale.
301
00:12:12,502 --> 00:12:15,365
(pants) stay away from me,
Gingerbread man!
302
00:12:15,365 --> 00:12:18,809
(screaming)
303
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,942
(women murmuring)
304
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,444
The p.T.A. Is yours,
Debbie weaver.
305
00:12:26,176 --> 00:12:28,979
Well... Crap.
306
00:12:28,979 --> 00:12:30,480
I know you're tired, dick,
307
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,422
But this is
For your own good.
308
00:12:32,422 --> 00:12:34,284
Thank you, mother.
You were right.
309
00:12:34,284 --> 00:12:37,157
The pain in my side
Did eventually go numb.
310
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,259
Hey! What's going on?
311
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,162
We're running motivational laps.
This is 310.
312
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,895
I'm doing what I must
To protect my son.
313
00:12:44,895 --> 00:12:47,267
I don't want him to have
The same childhood I did.
314
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,869
(blows whistle)
315
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,240
(children shouting)
Let's go, team! Come on!
316
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,102
Gather round! Bring it in!
317
00:12:52,102 --> 00:12:54,304
Listen, tomorrow is
Our first game, okay?
318
00:12:54,304 --> 00:12:57,277
And if we go out there
And we do the best we can
319
00:12:57,277 --> 00:13:00,180
And we have some fun,
I think we can win!
320
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,212
No, no, no, no, no.
321
00:13:02,212 --> 00:13:04,855
We can win,
But we won't.
(sighs)
322
00:13:04,855 --> 00:13:06,386
And why not?
323
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,860
(voice breaking) because there
Is a weak link among us.
324
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,363
It's you, dick butkus.
325
00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:16,366
Your weaknesses are simply
Too strong to overcome.
326
00:13:16,366 --> 00:13:19,299
And therefore
You are off the team.
What?
327
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:22,202
Your assessment of my abilities
Is blunt but precise.
328
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:24,274
I shall take my leave.
329
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,378
You can't kick him
Off the team.
330
00:13:28,378 --> 00:13:29,980
Oh, well, he's the weakest,
331
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:32,512
And I must be fierce
And take no prisoners.
332
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,544
It will motivate him
To work harder.
333
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:37,287
Okay, well, I'm the coach,
And I say that he stays.
334
00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:39,419
Fine. You're off
The team, marty.
335
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,192
You can't kick me off!
(laughing) I'm the coach!
336
00:13:42,192 --> 00:13:44,024
Team, loyalty vote.
337
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,426
Would you rather follow me
To victory
338
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,428
Or coach weaver
To certain defeat?
339
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,559
(sighs)
Choose now!
340
00:13:52,302 --> 00:13:54,164
Max?
341
00:13:54,164 --> 00:13:56,937
Come on, dad! Look at her
In those shorts!
342
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,438
I just got puberty.
343
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,569
(boys) yeah.
344
00:13:59,569 --> 00:14:02,372
Look on the bright side,
Coach.
345
00:14:02,372 --> 00:14:04,574
You also look good
In your shorts.
346
00:14:04,574 --> 00:14:07,217
(laughter)
See?
347
00:14:07,217 --> 00:14:10,420
Positive reinforcement
Doesn't really work.
348
00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:13,283
(whistle blows)
349
00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:14,554
(sighs)
350
00:14:21,391 --> 00:14:23,333
How was practice?
351
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,594
Jackie made me cry.
352
00:14:24,594 --> 00:14:27,237
Because she made me feel
So good about myself...
353
00:14:27,237 --> 00:14:29,169
Which I do.
I feel really good about me.
354
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,271
You know, 'cause I'm making
Such a difference, you know?
355
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,373
What about you?
How's the bake sale coming?
356
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,645
Awesome. Excellent.
Also making a difference.
357
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:39,309
With larry bird,
The p.T.A. Is all mine.
358
00:14:39,309 --> 00:14:41,181
Literally.
359
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,612
Yeah.
360
00:14:42,612 --> 00:14:44,314
All right, well,
I'm gonna go take a shower.
361
00:14:44,314 --> 00:14:45,415
I'm gonna go bake
The cookies.
362
00:14:45,415 --> 00:14:47,387
But I feel really good
About myself
363
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,989
'cause I'm making
A difference.
Well, I'm even gladder
364
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,222
That I'm making more
Of a difference, so...
365
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:57,397
Jackie was right
About my thighs.
366
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,674
Where are the minions
To make our cookies?
367
00:15:04,674 --> 00:15:06,606
I'm here to motivate
Their labor.
368
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,939
The minions quit, larry.
Every single one of 'em.
369
00:15:08,939 --> 00:15:10,910
They all think you're
A dangerous lunatic,
370
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,613
And I agree with them.
Oh! Short-sighted fools.
371
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,946
They're obviously not
Worthy of your leadership.
372
00:15:15,946 --> 00:15:17,347
(utensil clacking)
You're better off
Without them.
373
00:15:17,347 --> 00:15:20,050
Well, I would disagree,
Since now you and I...
(sniffs)
374
00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:22,092
Have to make
200 gingerbread cookies
375
00:15:22,092 --> 00:15:24,324
By tomorrow morning
By ourselves.
376
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:25,996
What?
377
00:15:25,996 --> 00:15:27,927
Oh, no, I can't.
378
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,461
I have a, um, a work thing
Which I have to att--
379
00:15:31,461 --> 00:15:34,264
No, you don't.
No, I don't.
380
00:15:34,264 --> 00:15:35,665
My cat just died.
381
00:15:35,665 --> 00:15:37,707
Sit.
382
00:15:37,707 --> 00:15:39,139
Let's get cooking.
383
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,141
(dick butkus
Screaming and grunting)
384
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:47,617
(gasps and grunts)
385
00:15:47,617 --> 00:15:50,720
(inhales and exhales sharply)
386
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,284
Hey, dick, what are you doing?
387
00:15:54,284 --> 00:15:58,058
(exhales) I'm practicing so that
I might return to the team
388
00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,959
And regain
My mother's respect.
389
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,661
So far, it's been
A total disaster.
390
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:03,433
Well, you know, sometimes
Parents take sports
391
00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:04,664
A little too seriously.
392
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,636
And the truth is,
I think this might be
393
00:16:06,636 --> 00:16:08,468
More about your mom
Than you.
394
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,440
But you must admit,
By all metrics,
395
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,272
I am a pretty bad athlete.
396
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,044
Oh, the worst.
But that doesn't mean
397
00:16:14,044 --> 00:16:16,006
That your mother
Isn't proud of you.
398
00:16:16,006 --> 00:16:18,148
I think you're a lot like
She was at this age,
399
00:16:18,148 --> 00:16:21,611
And sports really helped her
With her self-esteem.
400
00:16:21,611 --> 00:16:23,983
And she just wants
That same thing for you.
401
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,715
But I'm not lacking
Self-esteem.
402
00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:28,218
Why would I be?
I mean, look at me.
403
00:16:28,218 --> 00:16:31,561
Who else do you think could
Pull off this look?
404
00:16:31,561 --> 00:16:32,722
Wow, not many.
405
00:16:32,722 --> 00:16:34,724
You're a good kid,
Dick butkus.
406
00:16:34,724 --> 00:16:36,426
Why don't you go
Get your uniform on?
407
00:16:36,426 --> 00:16:38,198
We're gonna go get you
Back on that team.
408
00:16:41,131 --> 00:16:43,773
(woman shouts indistinctly)
409
00:16:43,773 --> 00:16:44,774
(crowd cheering
And chanting indistinctly)
410
00:16:44,774 --> 00:16:46,736
Two, four, six, eight!
411
00:16:46,736 --> 00:16:49,639
Two, four, six, eight!
Two, four, six, eight!
412
00:16:49,639 --> 00:16:51,781
Dick?
413
00:16:51,781 --> 00:16:56,646
(cheering continues)
414
00:16:56,646 --> 00:16:58,388
Win at all costs.
415
00:16:58,388 --> 00:17:01,151
Be fierce.
Take no prisoners.
416
00:17:01,151 --> 00:17:03,523
I don't miss my son at all.
417
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,625
(blows whistle)
418
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,698
Gingerbread cookies!
419
00:17:08,698 --> 00:17:11,301
Help the soccer team
Buy new uniforms.
420
00:17:11,301 --> 00:17:13,133
They're yummy.
421
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:16,766
They can't taste worse
Than they look.
422
00:17:16,766 --> 00:17:18,068
You know, in spite
Of everything,
423
00:17:18,068 --> 00:17:19,569
I think this was
Quite a victory.
424
00:17:19,569 --> 00:17:21,441
Do you? Do you, larry?
425
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,443
We've sold zero cookies.
426
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:25,445
Alienated the parents
Of all our kids' friends,
427
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:26,816
Drove a woman crazy,
428
00:17:26,816 --> 00:17:28,418
And made the worst
Gingerbread cookies
429
00:17:28,418 --> 00:17:30,350
In the history of mankind.
430
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:32,782
So, why? Why, larry?
431
00:17:32,782 --> 00:17:35,355
Well, because I actually thought
You had some pretty good ideas
432
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:39,389
About arts programs
And teacher evaluation.
433
00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:42,662
And if anyone ever asks,
I shall deny it,
434
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,194
But, um...
435
00:17:44,194 --> 00:17:46,196
If I had to have
A human woman
436
00:17:46,196 --> 00:17:47,667
Guiding
My children's education,
437
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,640
I'd be very happy
If it were you, debbie weaver.
438
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,072
You are a good human woman.
439
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:59,078
That is actually a very sweet
Thing to say, larry.
440
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,610
Please don't be weird.
441
00:18:00,610 --> 00:18:02,852
No, you're weird.
442
00:18:05,615 --> 00:18:07,517
Okay, well, this is weird.
It is.
443
00:18:07,517 --> 00:18:08,558
(boy shouts indistinctly)
444
00:18:08,558 --> 00:18:10,089
Go, go!
445
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,294
Hello, coach mother.
446
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,765
Hello, son.
447
00:18:15,765 --> 00:18:18,128
Marty, what are you
Doing on my field?
448
00:18:18,128 --> 00:18:20,300
You need to put dick
In the game.
449
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,771
No, I can't.
450
00:18:21,771 --> 00:18:23,533
Oh, come on, jackie.
This isn't you.
451
00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:26,436
I know you're worried
About dick's self-esteem,
452
00:18:26,436 --> 00:18:28,878
But you don't have to be.
Dick is a great kid!
453
00:18:28,878 --> 00:18:31,641
Look at him.
He's smart, he's compassionate.
454
00:18:31,641 --> 00:18:32,812
Huh? He's cute.
455
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,184
And once I learn
456
00:18:34,184 --> 00:18:35,685
A couple of bulletproof
"Knock-knock" jokes,
457
00:18:35,685 --> 00:18:38,388
I'll be the total package.
(laughs) you see that?
458
00:18:38,388 --> 00:18:40,390
I mean, I don't know
An adult who's that confident.
459
00:18:40,390 --> 00:18:42,592
I just worry.
460
00:18:42,592 --> 00:18:45,325
(sighs) kids can be so cruel
To unique children.
461
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:48,458
Although you are
Really quite remarkable.
462
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:50,360
(laughs)
Okay.
463
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,501
("Adulthood" by
Jukebox the ghost playing)
464
00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:53,163
Mmm.
465
00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:55,735
Here you go, buddy.
Put these on.
466
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:59,169
Ooh... (sighs)
467
00:18:59,169 --> 00:19:02,742
You are a good coach,
Marty weaver.
468
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,275
I'm okay.
Mm.
469
00:19:05,275 --> 00:19:07,677
♪ I go outside ♪
470
00:19:07,677 --> 00:19:10,350
♪ ask the air if it would
Like to hide ♪
471
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,682
Nice try, dick!
472
00:19:12,682 --> 00:19:14,554
No, it wasn't.
473
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:17,657
Larry bird!
Say something encouraging!
474
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:18,688
Fine.
475
00:19:18,688 --> 00:19:20,230
Honestly.
476
00:19:20,230 --> 00:19:22,662
Your hair looks great, son!
Yes!
477
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,164
He gets that from you.
Thank you. Yes, he does.
478
00:19:26,836 --> 00:19:29,699
Oh, god, he's terrible.
I know.
479
00:19:29,699 --> 00:19:33,773
♪ no one survives ♪
(latch clicking)
480
00:19:35,545 --> 00:19:36,776
Hey.
481
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,548
Can I buy a cookie?
482
00:19:38,548 --> 00:19:41,381
I wouldn't. Unless you
Like the taste of failure.
483
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,612
You know, this is why
484
00:19:42,612 --> 00:19:43,813
We should do
This stuff together,
485
00:19:43,813 --> 00:19:45,755
Because I think we make
A pretty good team.
486
00:19:45,755 --> 00:19:47,857
Oh, come on.
We make a great team.
487
00:19:47,857 --> 00:19:49,819
(clears throat)
You know, I've been told
488
00:19:49,819 --> 00:19:51,261
That I'm a fantastic coach.
489
00:19:51,261 --> 00:19:52,592
(crunches loudly)
Well, I've been told
490
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,193
That I'm a pretty good
Human woman, so...
491
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,526
(marty) mm.
How did you do it?
492
00:19:56,526 --> 00:19:57,727
Hi, linda. Do what?
493
00:19:57,727 --> 00:19:59,599
The gingerbread man--
It was alive!
494
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,871
I don't know how,
But it was alive.
495
00:20:01,871 --> 00:20:03,573
You know, I think you're
Just stressed out
496
00:20:03,573 --> 00:20:04,904
From the drama
Of everything.
497
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,837
There's no such thing as
A living gingerbread man, linda.
498
00:20:07,837 --> 00:20:09,709
Oh. Really?
499
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,382
(jackie) get the ball, dick!
500
00:20:12,382 --> 00:20:14,614
(high-pitched voice)
I'm running as fast as I can!
501
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,716
♪♪♪
502
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,690
Aah!
503
00:20:20,690 --> 00:20:22,652
She's a little jumpy.
504
00:20:22,652 --> 00:20:24,854
Yeah, a little high-strung.
505
00:20:29,259 --> 00:20:30,560
(wind whistling)
506
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:35,765
(western theme playing)
507
00:20:47,277 --> 00:20:48,648
(whip cracks, snort)
508
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,950
♪♪♪
509
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,923
(heavy footsteps)
510
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,888
(loud thud)
511
00:20:58,888 --> 00:21:01,891
Ow!
37212
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