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1
00:00:02,133 --> 00:00:04,004
("We wish you a merry christmas"
Plays)
2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,536
Merry crap-mas, everyone.
3
00:00:05,536 --> 00:00:06,637
This sucks.
4
00:00:06,637 --> 00:00:09,040
(sighs) okay, guys.
5
00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:13,084
I know christmas didn't
Go exactly how we planned.
6
00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:15,086
We don't have any presents
Under the tree.
7
00:00:15,086 --> 00:00:17,218
We don't have a tree.
But santa--
8
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,390
Santa called. He's not gonna
Be able to make it this year.
9
00:00:19,390 --> 00:00:22,323
But here's the thing--
We have each other.
10
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,155
We got through another
Year together,
11
00:00:24,155 --> 00:00:26,026
And that's what
Really matters.
12
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,098
Yay, none of us died.
13
00:00:27,098 --> 00:00:28,599
(angrily)
Merry christmas.
14
00:00:28,599 --> 00:00:30,401
So this is what we're
Gonna do, okay?
15
00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:31,732
We're gonna go downstairs,
16
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,734
And we are gonna make
The best of this.
17
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,436
All right? Let's go.
18
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,238
(claps hands)
Come on.
19
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,048
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
20
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,750
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
21
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:53,154
God bless us, every one!
Aah!
22
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:58,789
Ow!
(squealing)
23
00:00:58,789 --> 00:01:01,492
(pig squeals)
24
00:01:01,492 --> 00:01:03,834
Did you get max's ipad?
I think we forgot the ipad.
25
00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:05,536
We didn't forget it.
It's right there.
26
00:01:05,536 --> 00:01:07,138
It's the blue wrapping paper.
Are you sure
That's the ipad?
27
00:01:07,138 --> 00:01:08,199
Honey, you tend to remember
28
00:01:08,199 --> 00:01:09,640
Something you bought
Your 8-year-old
29
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,472
That you're gonna be paying for
For the next three years.
30
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:12,803
Okay, I got amber's snowboard,
31
00:01:12,803 --> 00:01:14,805
And our list
Is officially complete.
32
00:01:14,805 --> 00:01:16,807
(groans)
The rest is up to santa.
33
00:01:16,807 --> 00:01:18,749
Ho! (grunts)
(grunts)
34
00:01:18,749 --> 00:01:20,181
(knocks on door)
35
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:22,613
Hello!
Hey, guys!
36
00:01:22,613 --> 00:01:24,355
What's with the apron?
You cooking something?
37
00:01:24,355 --> 00:01:26,787
No. I just like what it does
For my silhouette.
38
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,319
He loves the apron.
39
00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:30,561
So, guys, we need
A small favor.
40
00:01:30,561 --> 00:01:32,393
We need a place to hide
Our christmas gifts.
41
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,165
We got some nosy kids,
And--
42
00:01:34,165 --> 00:01:37,097
Ohh! Christmas! I've been
So excited for this one!
43
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,869
Oh, you people.
44
00:01:38,869 --> 00:01:41,402
So, we're not excited
About this one, either?
45
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,304
Here we go.
You mean the orgy
Of commercialism
46
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,376
I've been hearing about
Since march? No.
47
00:01:45,376 --> 00:01:48,179
I just don't see how two
Relatively sane human beings
48
00:01:48,179 --> 00:01:50,581
Can participate in such
An insane holiday.
49
00:01:50,581 --> 00:01:52,813
Oh, it's not insane, larry.
It's fun for us,
50
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,515
And for the kids,
And abby's 6,
51
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,218
And she still gets caught up
In the magic of it all.
52
00:01:57,218 --> 00:02:00,391
Ah, there it is. Abby.
It's always about "Abby."
53
00:02:00,391 --> 00:02:02,423
Don't put my daughter
In quotations, larry.
54
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,824
What's so special about
That little girl?
55
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,596
Nothing, as far as I can see.
56
00:02:05,596 --> 00:02:07,698
Yet you two have concocted
Yet another excuse
57
00:02:07,698 --> 00:02:10,501
To lavish both her and the more
Worthwhile weaver children
58
00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:12,733
With disposable
Commercial crap.
59
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:13,904
Larry, you've got it
All wrong.
60
00:02:13,904 --> 00:02:16,136
Okay, christmas
Is about family
61
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:19,270
And smiles and the joy
Of being together.
62
00:02:19,270 --> 00:02:21,842
The gifts are just
One tiny part of it.
63
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,515
Oh, yes. And there's that
Fat, slovenly burglar
64
00:02:24,515 --> 00:02:26,217
You call santa claus.
65
00:02:26,217 --> 00:02:28,819
Honestly. Put on an apron
For god's sake, fatso.
66
00:02:28,819 --> 00:02:30,751
He's struggling
With santa claus.
67
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,783
Of course you can keep
Your presents here.
68
00:02:32,783 --> 00:02:34,455
All right.
All right, get around back.
Ready, babe?
69
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,156
1... 2...
Watch the top.
70
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,688
Wheel your barrow
Your full of crap--
I'm okay.
71
00:02:37,688 --> 00:02:38,859
(marty) the door. The door.
Oh! Oh!
72
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,531
(shouting indistinctly)
Man down. Man down.
73
00:02:40,531 --> 00:02:42,162
All right.
Yeah, we got it.
74
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,336
(shouting indistinctly)
Just watch the floors.
They're bamboo.
75
00:02:45,336 --> 00:02:47,798
I got it. Yes.
Okay.
76
00:02:47,798 --> 00:02:51,542
(man) ♪ deck the halls
With boughs of holly ♪
77
00:02:51,542 --> 00:02:54,545
♪ fa la-la-la-la,
La la-la-la ♪
(sighs)
78
00:02:54,545 --> 00:02:56,507
What's wrong?
(clicks tongue)
79
00:02:56,507 --> 00:02:59,280
Do you think larry's right,
And we're too caught up
80
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,651
In the presents?
81
00:03:00,651 --> 00:03:03,254
No, babe. Larry's just
Being larry, okay?
82
00:03:03,254 --> 00:03:05,556
Our kids understand
The meaning of christmas.
83
00:03:05,556 --> 00:03:07,218
They don't even need
Presents.
84
00:03:07,218 --> 00:03:08,659
Hey, mom, make sure
My snowboard
85
00:03:08,659 --> 00:03:11,362
Has step-in bindings
And not those lame straps.
86
00:03:11,362 --> 00:03:13,224
(singsongy) we'll see
What santa brings.
87
00:03:13,224 --> 00:03:14,725
Yeah, uh, don't even worry
About wrapping it.
88
00:03:14,725 --> 00:03:15,926
It's just gonna slow me down.
89
00:03:15,926 --> 00:03:18,499
Also, jeremy called,
And it turns out
90
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,231
We're going on the ski trip
The day before christmas
91
00:03:20,231 --> 00:03:21,572
Instead of the day after,
92
00:03:21,572 --> 00:03:23,534
So I'm gonna need
My presents early.
93
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:27,238
Hold up, amber. This family
Celebrates christmas together.
(normal voice) yeah.
94
00:03:27,238 --> 00:03:29,580
Yeah. I'll text you
From the mountain.
95
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:30,981
What--
96
00:03:30,981 --> 00:03:32,243
Well, I'll be here.
97
00:03:32,243 --> 00:03:34,245
And I want some new games
For the xbox.
98
00:03:34,245 --> 00:03:36,287
Wait. I thought you wanted
An ipad.
99
00:03:36,287 --> 00:03:38,989
I'll multitask. Oh,
And I also want a new bike.
100
00:03:38,989 --> 00:03:40,751
A new bike.
What about you, huh?
101
00:03:40,751 --> 00:03:42,653
You have any changes
You'd like to make?
102
00:03:42,653 --> 00:03:45,225
Nah. Santa knows what I want.
He'll take care of me.
103
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,428
Oh, and, uh,
Here's my new list.
104
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:48,729
I've highlighted the changes.
105
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,731
Be sure to look at page 3.
106
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,433
Page 3.
107
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,965
You should probably fax it.
It's getting pretty late.
108
00:03:54,965 --> 00:03:57,708
Okay, I'll get on that.
Thank you.
109
00:03:57,708 --> 00:04:00,871
God! What the hell?
Is this the constitution?
110
00:04:00,871 --> 00:04:03,274
Who makes amendments
To a christmas list?
111
00:04:03,274 --> 00:04:04,675
You know what? You're right.
112
00:04:04,675 --> 00:04:06,477
It's become all about
This stuff.
113
00:04:06,477 --> 00:04:08,349
Our kids are completely
Out of control.
114
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,950
I hated all three of them
Just now, marty.
115
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,022
In that moment, I hated
All three of our children.
116
00:04:12,022 --> 00:04:13,554
You know what?
117
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,756
Maybe we should try something
Different this year.
118
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,358
Forget the presents.
119
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,929
Let's take a nice
Vacation somewhere
120
00:04:18,929 --> 00:04:21,362
And hang with the family
For christmas.
121
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,394
Somewhere nice.
Maybe somewhere tropical.
122
00:04:23,394 --> 00:04:24,635
Yeah, but we can't afford
Tropical.
123
00:04:24,635 --> 00:04:26,597
We just spent a buttload
Of money on all their presents.
124
00:04:26,597 --> 00:04:27,998
No! We return the presents
125
00:04:27,998 --> 00:04:29,600
And we use the money
For the trip!
126
00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:32,002
Can we do that?
127
00:04:32,002 --> 00:04:33,344
We're the parents.
128
00:04:33,344 --> 00:04:35,005
We named those
Greedy little monsters.
129
00:04:35,005 --> 00:04:36,377
We can do whatever we want!
130
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:37,778
Oh, my god!
131
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,511
We could have christmas tans.
(squeals)
132
00:04:40,511 --> 00:04:43,714
I'm gonna be brown
For the super bowl!
133
00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:46,787
(larry bird) look at this
Bloated pile of consumerism.
134
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,959
And most of it for that
Little girl.
135
00:04:48,959 --> 00:04:51,562
What's her deal?
Is she really that cute?
136
00:04:51,562 --> 00:04:53,464
She is pretty cute,
Husband.
137
00:04:53,464 --> 00:04:55,666
Dad, she's pretty much
The cutest kid ever.
138
00:04:55,666 --> 00:04:58,369
And her teeth keep on
Falling out of her face.
139
00:04:58,369 --> 00:05:00,871
Hmm.
What's gonna fall off
Next, her nose?
140
00:05:00,871 --> 00:05:04,505
Oh, father! I love it
When you make fun of children.
141
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,607
The whole thing is ridiculous.
I mean,
142
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,479
What could possibly be
This shape,
143
00:05:08,479 --> 00:05:10,310
And yet be so exciting
To receive?
144
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,345
No, really. It's not
A rhetorical question.
145
00:05:14,345 --> 00:05:15,716
What do you think it is?
146
00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,017
It looks like
A giant board,
147
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,319
Perhaps for some sort
Of, um, winter sport.
148
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,751
Don't be a dolt, reggie.
149
00:05:22,353 --> 00:05:23,624
(abby) what's the surprise?
150
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,626
(marty) mm.
(debbie) well, your dad
And I were talking,
151
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,459
And we decided to do christmas
A little different this year.
152
00:05:28,459 --> 00:05:29,960
Presents early?
No.
153
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,532
Can we do jewish christmas
154
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,404
And get presents
For eight days?
155
00:05:33,404 --> 00:05:35,536
What? No. We decided
156
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:38,338
That instead of presents
This year...
157
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,572
We're going
On a family trip!
158
00:05:44,575 --> 00:05:46,417
(laughing)
159
00:05:46,417 --> 00:05:48,479
(laughing)
160
00:05:48,479 --> 00:05:49,820
We're not joking.
161
00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:51,522
(laughing stops)
162
00:05:51,522 --> 00:05:53,424
They're not joking!
163
00:05:53,424 --> 00:05:55,355
You're not joking?
164
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:58,429
What kind of sick game
Are you playing?
165
00:05:58,429 --> 00:06:00,431
We're just children!
166
00:06:00,431 --> 00:06:04,795
(men harmonizing)
♪ merry christmas ♪
167
00:06:04,795 --> 00:06:06,897
Perhaps it's
A galapagos turtle
168
00:06:06,897 --> 00:06:08,499
With a flattened shell.
169
00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:10,100
A giant stick of gum?
170
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,572
Okay, one more time,
Why are we so quick
171
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,743
To dismiss snowboard?
172
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,006
(paper rips)
(gasps)
173
00:06:16,006 --> 00:06:19,009
Oh, my. (scoffs)
174
00:06:19,009 --> 00:06:20,451
(ripping)
175
00:06:20,451 --> 00:06:23,454
Ohh. Oh, that felt
Really, really good.
176
00:06:23,454 --> 00:06:24,715
Oh.
177
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,419
(gasps)
178
00:06:28,419 --> 00:06:31,762
(exhales)
It's beautiful.
179
00:06:31,762 --> 00:06:33,594
What is it, husband?
180
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,095
It's a--it's--it's...
181
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,097
It's a thing.
182
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,529
(jackie joyner-kersee)
Oh.
And it's glorious.
183
00:06:38,529 --> 00:06:40,571
Okay, w-was that as fun
As it looked?
184
00:06:40,571 --> 00:06:42,032
Even better.
185
00:06:42,032 --> 00:06:44,134
(gasps) I want one!
Me, too!
186
00:06:44,134 --> 00:06:46,907
Yes! Presents for everyone!
Oh!
187
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,880
(andy williams) ♪ it's most
Wonderful time ♪
188
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,114
♪ of the year ♪
189
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:58,018
♪ there'll be much mistletoeing
And hearts will be glowing ♪
190
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:01,492
♪ when loved ones are near ♪
191
00:07:01,492 --> 00:07:03,594
♪ it's the most ♪
I got a bike! Cool!
192
00:07:03,594 --> 00:07:05,596
♪ wonderful time ♪
(glass shatters)
193
00:07:05,596 --> 00:07:09,059
Christmas is
The best thing ever!
♪ of the year ♪
194
00:07:09,059 --> 00:07:10,861
Yeah!
195
00:07:15,666 --> 00:07:18,639
So no presents
For christmas this year?
196
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,471
Great. You've ruined
The one day a year
197
00:07:20,471 --> 00:07:22,442
I actually find this family
Tolerable.
198
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,515
Oh.
So just to be clear,
199
00:07:24,515 --> 00:07:25,976
I've been good all year,
200
00:07:25,976 --> 00:07:27,718
And I'm getting lumped in
With her?
201
00:07:27,718 --> 00:07:31,522
Well, I guess a trip
For the family sounds fun.
202
00:07:31,522 --> 00:07:32,823
Oh, zip it, kiss-ass.
203
00:07:32,823 --> 00:07:34,785
You already told me I could
Go on a trip with jeremy.
204
00:07:34,785 --> 00:07:36,987
Okay. I think
We've all lost sight
205
00:07:36,987 --> 00:07:38,759
Of what christmas
Is really about.
206
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,562
It is not about presents.
207
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,163
It's about being together,
208
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:47,668
And we are gonna go away
As a family, all of us.
209
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,701
Does this mean we have to return
The presents we got for you?
210
00:07:50,701 --> 00:07:52,543
You got us presents?
211
00:07:52,543 --> 00:07:54,174
Of course not, but do you
See how that feels?
212
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:57,077
Mommy, I'm confused.
213
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,709
I saw santa at the mall,
214
00:07:58,709 --> 00:08:00,711
And he said I was
Very good this year,
215
00:08:00,711 --> 00:08:02,913
And I would be getting
Everything I asked for.
216
00:08:02,913 --> 00:08:04,715
Well, don't worry
About that, sweetie,
217
00:08:04,715 --> 00:08:06,687
Because daddy was texting
Back and forth
218
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,919
With santa this morning,
And guess what?
219
00:08:08,919 --> 00:08:11,021
He approved our trip!
You know what?
That's interesting,
220
00:08:11,021 --> 00:08:13,023
Because I was skype-ing
With santa
221
00:08:13,023 --> 00:08:14,895
After you finished
Texting with him,
222
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,728
And he said that I could go on
A ski trip with my friends.
223
00:08:17,728 --> 00:08:18,899
Oh--
What?
224
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,571
I know santa, too.
225
00:08:20,571 --> 00:08:22,903
All right.
You know what, smart-mouth?
226
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,105
Let me be really clear.
227
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,738
You are not going
On your ski trip.
228
00:08:27,738 --> 00:08:30,641
So lame.
229
00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:31,782
Come on, guys.
Let's go to our rooms
230
00:08:31,782 --> 00:08:34,745
Before they take
Those away, too.
231
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,248
Can you remind me again
Why want to be
232
00:08:38,248 --> 00:08:40,551
Alone on island
With these children?
233
00:08:40,551 --> 00:08:41,852
("Deck the halls" playing)
234
00:08:41,852 --> 00:08:43,023
(larry bird)
That "Christmas carol"
235
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,025
Is a wonderful story.
236
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,797
I love the ghost.
237
00:08:46,797 --> 00:08:49,199
Agreed. Although I didn't
Like tiny tim.
238
00:08:49,199 --> 00:08:52,563
Little, weird,
And totally unrelatable.
239
00:08:52,563 --> 00:08:54,965
I admit it.
I was wrong about christmas.
240
00:08:54,965 --> 00:08:56,637
It's a lovely holiday.
241
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,810
The things, the trees,
The snow.
242
00:08:59,810 --> 00:09:00,811
Mmm.
243
00:09:00,811 --> 00:09:02,312
The things.
244
00:09:02,312 --> 00:09:05,175
Christmas is magical,
Father! Magical!
245
00:09:05,175 --> 00:09:06,847
Dick, dick, fix your joints.
246
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,649
You're going to get
A bellyache.
247
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:12,923
I still can't get past
That santa fellow, though.
248
00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:16,887
526 million children
Celebrate christmas.
249
00:09:16,887 --> 00:09:19,229
That means
He has to deliver presents
250
00:09:19,229 --> 00:09:21,862
To 22 million children
An hour.
251
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,093
I mean, really!
252
00:09:23,093 --> 00:09:24,865
I mean, we're saying
He gets around the whole world
253
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,738
In one night...
At that weight.
254
00:09:27,738 --> 00:09:29,900
I mean, he can't fit
Into a sleigh,
255
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,301
Let alone fly in one.
256
00:09:31,301 --> 00:09:34,304
(grunts) I'm sorry.
I know this is off topic,
257
00:09:34,304 --> 00:09:37,808
But is anyone gonna admit
That I got this right?
258
00:09:37,808 --> 00:09:38,979
No.
259
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,851
Tell you what.
260
00:09:40,851 --> 00:09:43,213
Let's watch "The muppets:
A christmas carol" again.
261
00:09:43,213 --> 00:09:44,815
The muppets I like.
(beeps)
262
00:09:44,815 --> 00:09:46,957
I could really get down
With the muppets.
263
00:09:46,957 --> 00:09:49,089
Kermit.
264
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,921
(imitating kermit the frog)
Jackie joyner-kersee,
265
00:09:50,921 --> 00:09:53,593
Please press "Play."
(laughing)
266
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,795
That was very good!
(normal voice) did you
See that?
267
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:55,966
Yes.
I know, it's awfully good.
268
00:09:55,966 --> 00:09:56,897
Yeah.
269
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,129
Oh, I got it, marty.
Look at this--
270
00:09:59,129 --> 00:10:01,101
"Available time-share
In hawaii.
271
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,233
"Three bedrooms,
Updated kitchen,
272
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:05,035
Short walk to the beach,
Bidet"!
273
00:10:05,035 --> 00:10:06,977
(gasps) the tushie-squirting
Thing?
274
00:10:06,977 --> 00:10:09,279
Holy crap, they have
The tushie-squirting thing!
275
00:10:09,279 --> 00:10:11,211
(gasps)
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Can we afford this?
276
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,144
It's in our price range.
Marty, this is ours!
277
00:10:14,144 --> 00:10:16,016
We can do this!
We're going to hawaii!
278
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,318
Yeah!
Oh, let's go get the gifts
And return them
279
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,990
So we can pay for this thing.
280
00:10:19,990 --> 00:10:21,652
My tushie feels wet already.
281
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,856
Mm, merry christmas
To me.
282
00:10:25,856 --> 00:10:28,058
(rock version of "Jingle bells"
Playing)
283
00:10:28,058 --> 00:10:30,801
(man) ♪ jingle bells,
Jingle bells ♪
(zabvronians speaking
Indistinctly)
284
00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:32,002
♪ jingle all the way ♪
285
00:10:32,002 --> 00:10:34,905
♪ oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
286
00:10:34,905 --> 00:10:36,967
♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ hey! ♪
287
00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:41,041
♪ jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way ♪
288
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:44,715
♪ oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
289
00:10:44,715 --> 00:10:46,416
(grunts)
290
00:10:46,416 --> 00:10:49,249
I have never been so wrong
About anything in my life.
291
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,251
I love christmas!
292
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,854
Larry, what the hell
Is the matter with you?
293
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:56,987
For the first time on this
Stupid planet, nothing.
294
00:10:56,987 --> 00:11:00,931
I'm totally joyous.
I have sugarplums in my head!
295
00:11:00,931 --> 00:11:02,332
Why? What's the matter
With you?
296
00:11:02,332 --> 00:11:04,294
You were supposed to hold on
To our gifts
297
00:11:04,294 --> 00:11:06,266
For a few days,
Not give them away!
298
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,168
Or destroy 'em!
299
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,970
Merry christmas!
300
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,942
I can't believe
This is happening.
301
00:11:11,942 --> 00:11:14,444
To be honest, I think you're
Being completely illogical
302
00:11:14,444 --> 00:11:15,976
And a bit of a nasty elf.
303
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:18,208
You said christmas
Is about giving.
304
00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:20,350
I-I won't let you ruin christmas
For me. I just won't!
305
00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:23,053
I'm sorry. We're ruining
Your christmas?!
306
00:11:23,053 --> 00:11:25,756
You gave our gifts away!
(scoffs)
307
00:11:25,756 --> 00:11:28,018
Why are the aliens
Playing with our presents?
308
00:11:28,018 --> 00:11:31,191
Are they throwing
My ipad?
309
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,894
Jackie, this is
A major screw-up.
310
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,896
Oh, no, not again.
311
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,168
It's just that you have
So many holidays
312
00:11:38,168 --> 00:11:40,200
For us to screw up.
313
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,802
Can't we just get to the part
314
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,203
Where everything ends up
Being all right
315
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,235
And we learn
From one another?
316
00:11:45,235 --> 00:11:46,706
Can't we do that?
317
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,979
Jackie, we save up
All year for this.
318
00:11:48,979 --> 00:11:50,340
And now we can't
Return those gifts
319
00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:52,012
And use the money
To go to hawaii!
320
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:55,015
I'm so sorry.
My husband didn't mean--
321
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,047
Stop apologizing
For him, jackie.
322
00:11:57,047 --> 00:11:58,789
You can't keep apologizing
For him
323
00:11:58,789 --> 00:11:59,990
Every time he makes
A mistake
324
00:11:59,990 --> 00:12:03,093
And expect everything
To be better.
325
00:12:03,093 --> 00:12:05,055
Worst christmas ever!
326
00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:09,229
Whole year of being good
Right down the crapper!
327
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:13,103
I'm afraid you've been
Naughty, mr. Bird.
328
00:12:13,103 --> 00:12:15,235
And santa knows
When you've been naughty,
329
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,138
And he knows
When you've been nice.
330
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:19,940
♪♪♪
331
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,772
Does he know
Where the gym is?
332
00:12:21,772 --> 00:12:24,474
Because he's going to lose
A foot to diabetes.
333
00:12:24,474 --> 00:12:27,417
♪ oh, what fun is to ride ♪
334
00:12:27,417 --> 00:12:31,151
♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
335
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:41,431
Ohh!
336
00:12:41,431 --> 00:12:44,364
Hello, my little
Overlooked friend.
337
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:49,399
Husband, I think we've
Made a terrible mistake.
338
00:12:49,399 --> 00:12:51,802
You bet your sweet bippy
We did. We missed one.
339
00:12:51,802 --> 00:12:54,074
Ohh! The new ipad!
340
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:55,976
Husband.
341
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,948
Oh, it's fine.
It's just stuff
342
00:12:57,948 --> 00:13:00,450
They would have got bored with
Within a day or two.
343
00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:03,453
But not this. Steve jobs really
Got it right with this one.
344
00:13:03,453 --> 00:13:06,356
Larry bird! The weavers
Have been so good to us,
345
00:13:06,356 --> 00:13:08,518
And we keep on
Disappointing them.
346
00:13:08,518 --> 00:13:09,990
We have to make this right.
347
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,791
Either you do it, or I will.
348
00:13:12,522 --> 00:13:14,825
Wait, jackie.
What do you want from me?
349
00:13:14,825 --> 00:13:16,927
Do you want me to send them
Some flowers? Is that it?
350
00:13:16,927 --> 00:13:18,428
(door closes)
351
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:25,836
Siri, did I really
Ruin their christmas?
352
00:13:25,836 --> 00:13:27,277
(presses button)
353
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:32,142
Siri?
354
00:13:32,142 --> 00:13:34,885
I don't even know
How it happened.
355
00:13:34,885 --> 00:13:38,148
Just seeing all that
Wrapping paper and boxes...
356
00:13:38,148 --> 00:13:39,990
(sighs)
357
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:41,852
I know you can't ever
Forgive us,
358
00:13:41,852 --> 00:13:44,554
But we are truly, truly
Sorry for what we did.
359
00:13:44,554 --> 00:13:46,556
Jackie, what do you want me
To say?
360
00:13:46,556 --> 00:13:48,828
I know you didn't mean
To hurt us.
361
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,330
You guys got carried away.
I get it.
362
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,262
You celebrated
Your first christmas.
363
00:13:52,262 --> 00:13:54,064
The first ones are always
The best ones.
364
00:13:54,064 --> 00:13:55,405
Even amber.
365
00:13:55,405 --> 00:13:57,067
She had the sweetest
Look of excitement
366
00:13:57,067 --> 00:14:00,070
On her face
Her first few christmases.
367
00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:02,873
I hang on to that memory when
She says hurtful things to me.
368
00:14:02,873 --> 00:14:07,047
Ooh. I imagine you must think
Of that several times a day.
369
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,920
Yeah. Yeah.
370
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,582
(kermit the frog)
♪ have yourself ♪
371
00:14:12,582 --> 00:14:16,456
♪ a merry little christmas ♪
372
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,259
♪ let your heart be light ♪
373
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,631
(clicks)
374
00:14:21,631 --> 00:14:23,964
♪ from now on ♪
375
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:28,268
♪ our troubles will be
Out of sight ♪
376
00:14:33,944 --> 00:14:35,275
♪ have yourself... ♪
377
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,907
What do you want?
378
00:14:36,907 --> 00:14:38,608
We need to talk.
379
00:14:38,608 --> 00:14:39,910
(scoffs)
380
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:41,251
With the kids
All getting older,
381
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:42,882
We were afraid that this
Was gonna be
382
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,284
The last christmas
Where we'd have
383
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,086
One of those magical
Mornings together.
384
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,088
Marty and I just got
Carried away.
385
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,889
Ohh.
386
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,662
So we really screwed your pooch
On this one.
387
00:14:52,662 --> 00:14:55,625
Oh, jackie. Not only
Did you screw my pooch,
388
00:14:55,625 --> 00:14:58,598
But you didn't call her
The next day, either.
389
00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,270
Mmm.
390
00:15:00,270 --> 00:15:01,601
(slurps)
391
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:05,976
♪ happy golden days
Of yore ♪
392
00:15:07,477 --> 00:15:08,638
♪ faithful friends... ♪
393
00:15:08,638 --> 00:15:11,211
It's... Very good.
394
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,343
Thank you.
395
00:15:13,343 --> 00:15:16,586
Um... (sighs)
396
00:15:16,586 --> 00:15:17,687
I've been watching you.
397
00:15:17,687 --> 00:15:20,250
(scoffs)
And I can tell you're sad.
398
00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:23,023
So I came over to tell you
Not to be sad,
399
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,155
'cause santa's going to make
Everything all better.
400
00:15:25,155 --> 00:15:26,696
Ohh...
401
00:15:26,696 --> 00:15:29,399
Santa's going to make
Everything all better.
402
00:15:29,399 --> 00:15:31,201
(scoffs)
403
00:15:31,201 --> 00:15:33,964
When I was 4,
I got the flu,
404
00:15:33,964 --> 00:15:36,106
So I couldn't visit santa.
405
00:15:36,106 --> 00:15:38,138
So my mom told me
To write a letter
406
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,540
So she could mail it
To him before christmas.
407
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,512
The whole time,
I was really worried
408
00:15:42,512 --> 00:15:43,974
That he had forgotten
About me.
409
00:15:43,974 --> 00:15:46,416
But guess what?
What?
410
00:15:46,416 --> 00:15:47,717
He wrote me back.
411
00:15:47,717 --> 00:15:51,421
(scoffs) oh, please.
(sighs)
412
00:15:52,622 --> 00:15:54,354
What did he write?
413
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,457
He reminded me to be good
Even when no one was watching,
414
00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,060
And to never forget
What christmas is all about.
415
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:03,233
What's that?
416
00:16:03,233 --> 00:16:05,065
Family, silly.
417
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,297
(gasps)
418
00:16:07,297 --> 00:16:10,600
Santa... Told you that?
419
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,343
So no more sad faces,
Mr. Bird,
420
00:16:13,343 --> 00:16:15,575
'cause santa's going to make
Everything all better.
421
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,577
He always comes through.
422
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:22,082
♪ our troubles will be
Miles away ♪
423
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:25,615
Thank you for the tea.
Let's do it again sometime.
424
00:16:25,615 --> 00:16:28,258
♪ and have yourself ♪
425
00:16:28,258 --> 00:16:29,419
(door closes)
426
00:16:29,419 --> 00:16:31,321
♪ a merry little ♪
427
00:16:31,321 --> 00:16:35,295
♪ christmas ♪
Oh, dear.
428
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:39,229
I've been very, very naughty.
♪ now ♪
429
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:47,077
Oh, goodness.
What are you up to now?
430
00:16:47,077 --> 00:16:49,109
You were right, wife.
431
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,181
The weavers have been
Good to us,
432
00:16:51,181 --> 00:16:53,113
So I'm going
To make this right.
433
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,584
I'm going to be like
Santa claus
434
00:16:54,584 --> 00:16:56,316
And save their christmas.
435
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,748
All I need is a helper elf.
I've already made the costume.
436
00:16:58,748 --> 00:17:01,521
Oh, husband,
Love of my life,
437
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,323
I would be your elf
Any day.
438
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:04,724
Don't be ridiculous.
You're too tall.
439
00:17:07,457 --> 00:17:08,658
Oh.
440
00:17:08,658 --> 00:17:12,462
Oh, I do not like
Where this is going.
441
00:17:12,462 --> 00:17:14,704
("Christmas in hollis"
By run-d.M.C. Playing)
442
00:17:14,704 --> 00:17:17,437
♪ it's christmastime
In hollis, queens ♪
443
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,509
♪ mom's cookin' chicken
And collard greens ♪
444
00:17:19,509 --> 00:17:22,342
♪ rice and stuffing,
Macaroni and cheese ♪
445
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:25,044
♪ and santa put gifts
Under christmas trees ♪
446
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:29,519
♪♪♪
447
00:17:29,519 --> 00:17:32,782
I have a limitless amount cash
And desire to buy a car.
448
00:17:32,782 --> 00:17:35,655
♪ merry christmas
And happy new year ♪
449
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,687
(cheering, whistles blowing)
450
00:17:37,687 --> 00:17:40,160
Ooh! Jackpot.
451
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,165
♪♪♪
452
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:50,500
Excuse me. Do you have
Any plans this christmas?
453
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,642
Oh, my family's all dead.
454
00:17:52,642 --> 00:17:54,474
Perfect.
455
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,306
♪ it's christmastime ♪
Boo-yah!
456
00:17:56,306 --> 00:17:58,178
♪ in hollis, queens ♪
(pigs squealing)
457
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,410
Capture the christmas swine!
458
00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:01,711
Get the pretty one!
459
00:18:01,711 --> 00:18:02,812
♪ macaroni and cheese ♪
(oinking)
460
00:18:02,812 --> 00:18:05,285
♪ and santa put gifts
Under christmas trees ♪
461
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:08,087
♪ in the fireplace
Is the yule log ♪
462
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,660
♪ beneath the mistletoe
As we drink eggnog ♪
463
00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:12,462
Merry crap-mas, everyone.
464
00:18:12,462 --> 00:18:13,493
This sucks.
465
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:16,126
(sighs) okay, guys.
466
00:18:16,126 --> 00:18:19,669
I know christmas didn't
Go exactly how we planned.
467
00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:21,731
We don't have any presents
Under the tree.
468
00:18:21,731 --> 00:18:23,473
We don't have a tree.
469
00:18:23,473 --> 00:18:25,205
So this is what we're
Gonna do, okay?
470
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,576
We're gonna go downstairs,
471
00:18:26,576 --> 00:18:28,338
And we are gonna make
The best of this.
472
00:18:28,338 --> 00:18:30,180
All right? Let's go.
473
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:32,111
(claps hands)
Come on.
474
00:18:33,743 --> 00:18:35,215
Come on.
475
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,291
(pig squealing)
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
476
00:18:41,291 --> 00:18:44,594
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
(drumming)
477
00:18:44,594 --> 00:18:45,895
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
478
00:18:45,895 --> 00:18:50,200
God bless us, every one!
Aah!
(squealing)
479
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,461
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
480
00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:53,903
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
481
00:18:53,903 --> 00:18:56,336
Merry christmas, weavers!
482
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,668
What the heck is going on?
483
00:18:58,668 --> 00:19:01,211
Well, we know you wanted
The perfect christmas...
(humming)
484
00:19:01,211 --> 00:19:03,173
And we know you wanted
To go to hawaii,
485
00:19:03,173 --> 00:19:06,145
So we decided
To give you both.
486
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,578
Believe it or not,
It was larry bird's idea.
487
00:19:08,578 --> 00:19:10,180
Where is larry?
488
00:19:10,180 --> 00:19:11,381
(larry bird) ho, ho, ho!
489
00:19:11,381 --> 00:19:12,852
(bellowing laugh)
490
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:16,726
I understand your children
Had a bit of a mishap
491
00:19:16,726 --> 00:19:18,528
With their presents
This year.
492
00:19:18,528 --> 00:19:21,531
It was short notice,
But I was able
493
00:19:21,531 --> 00:19:23,533
To get the key items
On their lists.
494
00:19:23,533 --> 00:19:27,166
Now gather 'round the tree,
Let's light up the menorah,
495
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,270
And we'll kwanzaa
Till the break of dawn.
496
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,801
(bellowing laugh)
497
00:19:31,801 --> 00:19:33,473
(max laughs)
(larry bird) check it out.
498
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:36,276
Your dad and I know how badly
You wanted to go snowboarding
499
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:36,906
With your friends...
500
00:19:36,906 --> 00:19:38,308
Snowboarding!
Wh--
501
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:39,449
(debbie) so here's the deal.
502
00:19:39,449 --> 00:19:41,211
If you can be packed
And ready to go
503
00:19:41,211 --> 00:19:43,583
In a couple hours,
I will personally
504
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,255
Drive you there myself.
505
00:19:45,255 --> 00:19:47,287
Are you kidding me?
506
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:50,690
And miss this insanity?
There's absolutely no way.
507
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,493
Ohh! There's
The christmas face
508
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,796
I've been hanging on to
For all these years.
509
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,828
You owe me a snowboard.
510
00:20:00,570 --> 00:20:03,233
And there's the one
I've learned to accept.
511
00:20:03,233 --> 00:20:06,205
Now, I hear you wanted
The new ipad.
512
00:20:07,677 --> 00:20:10,410
Gee, thanks.
513
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,912
The wi-fi's a bit spotty.
514
00:20:15,445 --> 00:20:17,987
(lowered voice)
I know who you are.
515
00:20:17,987 --> 00:20:19,489
I knew you were an alien,
516
00:20:19,489 --> 00:20:22,292
But I didn't know
You were also santa claus.
517
00:20:22,292 --> 00:20:24,354
(lowered voice)
Oh, I'm not real--
518
00:20:24,354 --> 00:20:25,995
Oh.
519
00:20:25,995 --> 00:20:27,997
Don't tell anyone.
520
00:20:27,997 --> 00:20:30,600
It'll be our little secret.
521
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,001
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
522
00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:34,233
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
(bellowing laugh)
523
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,536
♪ and a happy new year ♪
524
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:39,008
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
525
00:20:39,008 --> 00:20:41,541
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
526
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,813
♪ we wish you
A merry christmas ♪
(bleating)
527
00:20:43,813 --> 00:20:47,246
♪ and a happy new year ♪
528
00:20:52,582 --> 00:20:53,983
Siri, who won the knicks game?
529
00:20:53,983 --> 00:20:56,686
Give me
A 5-day weather forecast.
530
00:20:56,686 --> 00:20:59,389
Buy me the new
Mumford & sons album.
531
00:20:59,389 --> 00:21:02,031
Ugh. That's it.
I'm gonna get a kindle.
532
00:21:02,031 --> 00:21:03,963
I'm done with you!
533
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:05,335
(scoffs)
534
00:21:05,335 --> 00:21:06,896
(inhales deeply)
535
00:21:06,896 --> 00:21:08,267
Mm.
536
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,039
(instrumental "Jingle bells"
Playing)
537
00:21:10,039 --> 00:21:11,901
I'm sorry.
538
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,376
It's been a rough week.
539
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:18,648
Come along.
Let's go for a walk.
540
00:21:18,648 --> 00:21:22,011
Siri, does this suit
Make my ass look big?
39681
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