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1
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Previously on
"The neighbors"...
2
00:00:03,134 --> 00:00:04,505
These are the weavers,
This is their new house,
3
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,307
And these are
Their new neighbors.
4
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,479
I'm larry bird,
Leader of this community
5
00:00:08,479 --> 00:00:10,311
And immediate neighbor
To your west.
6
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,412
(debbie) we're just living
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00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:13,184
Amidst golf cart driving
Pie makers
8
00:00:13,184 --> 00:00:14,485
With the names
Of professional athletes.
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00:00:14,485 --> 00:00:16,317
I'm sure there's
An explanation for this.
10
00:00:18,789 --> 00:00:21,092
(children screaming)
We hope that you
Will consider staying.
11
00:00:21,092 --> 00:00:22,493
We believe there's much
We could learn
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00:00:22,493 --> 00:00:24,525
From one another.
13
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,398
(whirring)
14
00:00:27,398 --> 00:00:29,560
How the hell did you eat
Half a carton of ice cream...
(keys jangle)
15
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,202
On the drive home?
16
00:00:31,202 --> 00:00:32,803
Oh, there's a spoon
On my keychain.
17
00:00:32,803 --> 00:00:35,166
Marty.
18
00:00:37,368 --> 00:00:39,510
Okay, there's no spoon.
I used the picture of the kids
19
00:00:39,510 --> 00:00:42,213
And I scooped the ice cream out
While you were getting gas.
20
00:00:42,213 --> 00:00:43,374
I'll get help.
Please don't leave me.
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00:00:43,374 --> 00:00:46,077
(jackie) go! Come on!
22
00:00:46,077 --> 00:00:47,518
(larry) looking great, son.
Keep it up.
23
00:00:47,518 --> 00:00:49,580
You can do it, dick butkus!
Come on now.
Just another minute.
24
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:51,682
Max! Let him go!
25
00:00:51,682 --> 00:00:55,726
Three minutes that time,
And I didn't even cry!
26
00:00:55,726 --> 00:00:57,088
Guys,
What is happening here?
27
00:00:57,088 --> 00:00:58,759
Oh, max told us
That you asked him
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00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,192
To prepare dick
For his first day of school.
29
00:01:01,192 --> 00:01:03,164
We're covering wedgies next.
30
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,735
And then hate crimes.
31
00:01:04,735 --> 00:01:06,597
Personally, I'm unclear
As to why you're so sure
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00:01:06,597 --> 00:01:09,069
Dick butkus will be the target
Of ridicule.
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00:01:10,141 --> 00:01:12,273
My hair smells funny.
34
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:14,245
Educated guess.
35
00:01:14,245 --> 00:01:16,347
Guys, school is tough.
I mean, it's like
36
00:01:16,347 --> 00:01:18,209
When you go to prison
And you find the biggest guy
37
00:01:18,209 --> 00:01:20,351
And you beat him up
To prove yourself, you know?
38
00:01:20,351 --> 00:01:21,612
No.
What's prison?
39
00:01:21,612 --> 00:01:23,214
(debbie)
School is opposite of that.
40
00:01:23,214 --> 00:01:25,116
The toughest kid picks
On the weakest kid
41
00:01:25,116 --> 00:01:26,287
Almost immediately.
42
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,359
And you wonder the chinese
Are dominating you.
43
00:01:28,359 --> 00:01:31,662
Don't worry. Max will look out
For dick. Won't you, max?
44
00:01:31,662 --> 00:01:33,093
Yeah, I guess.
45
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,865
You won't leave his side.
46
00:01:34,865 --> 00:01:36,197
Easy now.
47
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,599
Oh, it's so complicated--
48
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,701
Your schools,
Social structure.
49
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:41,802
It's overwhelming.
50
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,604
On our planet,
We skip all this nonsense
51
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:44,735
And educate our children
52
00:01:44,735 --> 00:01:47,608
By feeding them
The brains of their elders.
53
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,211
So you take the brain,
Actually--
Please don't. Don't.
54
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:51,712
Sorry.
Elder feeding is quick,
55
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,184
And while brutal,
56
00:01:53,184 --> 00:01:56,147
It leaves us ample time to focus
On nurturing our children.
57
00:01:56,147 --> 00:01:57,648
Hmm.
58
00:01:57,648 --> 00:01:59,790
Well, we've been parents on this
Planet for quite some time now,
59
00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:02,293
And between friends and school
And t-ball,
60
00:02:02,293 --> 00:02:03,494
I mean, nurturing's great
And everything, but--
61
00:02:03,494 --> 00:02:05,156
Listen, we have three kids.
If two of them
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00:02:05,156 --> 00:02:07,898
Make it home alive at the end
Of the day, we're happy.
63
00:02:07,898 --> 00:02:09,460
But don't worry.
If you listen to us,
64
00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:10,501
We'll get you through it all.
65
00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:11,632
(larry) listen to them?
66
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,234
Pardon me
For being skeptical,
67
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,865
But look how they use this room,
68
00:02:14,865 --> 00:02:16,807
With all their towels and soaps
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00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:19,370
And excrement bowls.
70
00:02:21,312 --> 00:02:23,143
Come again?
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00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,915
I'm sorry.
Uh, I'm confused.
72
00:02:24,915 --> 00:02:26,247
You're confused?
73
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:29,320
I've my head in there
For the last 40 minutes.
74
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,522
No, I mean...
75
00:02:31,522 --> 00:02:34,185
What do you guys do
With your bathrooms?
76
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:39,230
So let me get this straight--
77
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:43,163
You people keep plants
In your bathrooms?
78
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,196
It's true, marty.
79
00:02:45,196 --> 00:02:47,798
We grow gardens in the room
Next to our sleep chamber.
80
00:02:47,798 --> 00:02:49,400
You keep a sewer there.
81
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,644
Yes, I guess we are
The crazy ones.
82
00:02:53,644 --> 00:02:55,175
You know, I can
Actually understand--
83
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,347
Yeah.
Yeah.
84
00:02:56,347 --> 00:03:01,852
♪♪♪
85
00:03:01,852 --> 00:03:05,286
First day of school.
86
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,358
Wait. We still have
Three kids, right?
87
00:03:07,358 --> 00:03:09,660
I'm making lunch for dick butkus
And reggie jackson.
88
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:11,222
Do you know how much cooler
That would've sounded,
89
00:03:11,222 --> 00:03:12,363
Like, a month ago?
90
00:03:12,363 --> 00:03:14,595
I don't want them outting
Themselves at school.
91
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,927
Alien-ting.
92
00:03:16,927 --> 00:03:19,870
Outing...Liening. Mm.
93
00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:21,432
You sure you want
To get involved here?
94
00:03:21,432 --> 00:03:23,334
Because if there's one thing
I know,
95
00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:25,406
It's that you don't tell other
Parents how to raise their kids.
96
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,807
(crunches)
You know, you're right.
97
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,879
Everything about what you just
Said to me is right.
98
00:03:28,879 --> 00:03:30,381
It's just something about
These neighbors.
99
00:03:30,381 --> 00:03:32,212
They're a blank slate.
100
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,615
I get to teach them
How to live.
101
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:37,848
It makes me feel like oprah.
102
00:03:37,848 --> 00:03:39,850
Does that make me gayle
Or stedman?
103
00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:43,654
Ooh. Can I be gayle?
She gets to go on all the trips.
104
00:03:43,654 --> 00:03:46,297
(electronic humming)
105
00:03:46,297 --> 00:03:48,529
Wife, what are you doing
To my sink garden?
106
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,231
We are living with humans now.
We must behave as they do.
107
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,764
They know more about
These things than we do.
108
00:03:53,764 --> 00:03:56,407
And they sure do like
Reminding us of it.
109
00:03:56,407 --> 00:03:58,369
Was that sarcasm, husband?
110
00:03:58,369 --> 00:03:59,370
I don't know. Was it?
111
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:00,771
I really don't know.
112
00:04:00,771 --> 00:04:02,713
It might have been irony.
113
00:04:02,713 --> 00:04:04,445
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
114
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:07,848
Ugh. Even the doorbell sounds
Bossy when they ring it.
115
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,352
(door opens)
116
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,253
Good morning, neighbors.
117
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,356
Here. I know they don't eat,
But I made them lunches.
118
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,527
Oh, actually,
I already prepared them--
119
00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:18,459
Hey, there's the man!
120
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,431
How do I look?
I feel so free.
121
00:04:20,431 --> 00:04:21,632
(chuckles)
122
00:04:21,632 --> 00:04:24,335
Are these denim trousers
Sagging properly?
123
00:04:24,335 --> 00:04:25,496
Reggie jackson,
Pull up your trousers.
124
00:04:25,496 --> 00:04:27,368
We don't need to see
Your anuses.
125
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,400
(gulps)
And, dick, tuck in your shirt.
126
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,343
No, no, larry, the sloppier
The clothes, the cooler the kid.
127
00:04:32,343 --> 00:04:34,345
Okay.
How do we get to china?
128
00:04:34,345 --> 00:04:35,446
I'm serious now.
129
00:04:35,446 --> 00:04:37,277
Dick, remember,
If the kids are mean...
130
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,449
Oh, they're gonna be mean.
131
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:39,610
Ignore 'em.
132
00:04:39,610 --> 00:04:41,582
They'll find a new target
Soon enough.
133
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,355
Understood.
Perhaps we should alert
The commander of the school.
134
00:04:44,355 --> 00:04:46,457
Oh, no, no, no, no, jackie.
135
00:04:46,457 --> 00:04:47,388
Calling attention to your kid
136
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,361
Only puts a bigger target
On his back,
137
00:04:50,361 --> 00:04:52,022
On his tiny,
138
00:04:52,022 --> 00:04:53,764
Frail...
139
00:04:53,764 --> 00:04:54,995
Boneless?
140
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,997
Boneless.
Boneless back.
141
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:59,430
But don't you worry.
We will keep an eye on him.
142
00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:01,372
You sure you don't want to get
A quick haircut before we go?
143
00:05:01,372 --> 00:05:02,903
Gentleman's high and tight?
144
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,074
Not necessary.
145
00:05:04,074 --> 00:05:05,476
Thought I would try.
146
00:05:05,476 --> 00:05:08,379
We are truly very grateful
For your guidance, weavers.
147
00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:09,680
It really means a lot to us.
148
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,011
Oh.
149
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,483
(whispers)
Now that was sarcasm.
150
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:13,344
(whispers) are you sure?
151
00:05:13,344 --> 00:05:15,546
No.
152
00:05:15,546 --> 00:05:16,887
(normal voice) so many rules.
153
00:05:16,887 --> 00:05:18,349
Is there anything
More complicated
154
00:05:18,349 --> 00:05:19,990
Than raising
Two school-age boys?
155
00:05:19,990 --> 00:05:23,424
(amber) mom! I need you! Now!
156
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,064
(door creaks)
157
00:05:34,064 --> 00:05:36,407
Honey? First day of school.
How we doing?
158
00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:38,038
I don't know
How you're doing,
159
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:42,373
But here's how I'm doing,
Mom.
160
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,516
It's not that bad.
161
00:05:45,516 --> 00:05:47,077
It's volcanic, mother.
162
00:05:47,077 --> 00:05:50,481
Okay, amber,
You're being a bit dramatic.
163
00:05:50,481 --> 00:05:51,852
Ha! Dramatic?
164
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:52,923
Yes.
165
00:05:52,923 --> 00:05:54,655
You want to see dramatic?
No.
166
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:55,886
Look at my face!
167
00:05:55,886 --> 00:05:59,490
Look at my zit, mom!
This is dramatic!
168
00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:01,361
Shh.
Thank you for all
Of the french fries, ma.
169
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,362
Shh.
170
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,794
Learn to cook!
171
00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:09,740
She okay?
172
00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:12,673
Oh, you know, the usual.
Did I miss anything?
173
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:14,475
Oh, you know, the usual.
174
00:06:15,506 --> 00:06:17,448
(door opens)
175
00:06:19,410 --> 00:06:21,952
(cheering)
(playing discordantly)
176
00:06:27,718 --> 00:06:31,592
(cheering loudly)
177
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,163
(cheering stops)
178
00:06:33,163 --> 00:06:35,626
Oh, my god.
What's on her face?
179
00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:37,397
I think I'm gonna be sick.
180
00:06:40,130 --> 00:06:41,602
Do you want a closer look?
181
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:42,873
No. Mnh-mnh.
No? No?
182
00:06:42,873 --> 00:06:44,104
No. Yep.
You sure? You sure?
183
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,405
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
184
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,478
Reggie.
185
00:06:47,478 --> 00:06:49,580
Come on.
We're getting the bus.
186
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:52,543
Reggie jackson,
We will walk you to school,
187
00:06:52,543 --> 00:06:55,446
And once there, give you
An emotional parental send-off.
188
00:06:55,446 --> 00:06:56,687
No, no. No. No. No.
189
00:06:56,687 --> 00:06:57,788
Oh, what now?
190
00:06:57,788 --> 00:07:00,190
Hit the road, jack. Yeah.
191
00:07:00,190 --> 00:07:03,524
Uh, I don't mean to overstep,
192
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:04,695
But...
193
00:07:04,695 --> 00:07:07,427
I'm gonna drop
A little "A-ha" moment.
194
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,800
Honey, you're not oprah.
195
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,432
(lowered voice)
Well, to them, I kinda am.
Will you just spit it out?
196
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,034
Well, they're teenagers,
197
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,467
So being seen around
Your parents is humiliating.
198
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:17,568
(jackie gasps)
Humiliating?
199
00:07:17,568 --> 00:07:19,069
Yeah.
On our planet,
200
00:07:19,069 --> 00:07:21,912
Children and parents are proud
To show affection.
201
00:07:21,912 --> 00:07:25,576
In fact, every year,
There's a festival of hugs,
202
00:07:25,576 --> 00:07:27,478
Followed by
A carnival of compliments.
203
00:07:27,478 --> 00:07:29,179
It's awesome.
204
00:07:29,179 --> 00:07:30,481
Okay. Great. Honey...
(kisses) I gotta get to work.
205
00:07:30,481 --> 00:07:31,882
Good luck today.
Okay.
206
00:07:31,882 --> 00:07:33,453
How will we survive
Without you?
207
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,686
Husband,
I think that was sarcasm.
208
00:07:35,686 --> 00:07:37,728
It felt right. Thank you.
Yes.
209
00:07:37,728 --> 00:07:40,090
(school bell rings)
And you are sure these denim
Trousers don't look foolish?
210
00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:42,062
Because I have to
Keep them held up,
211
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,034
Otherwise they seem to--
Shh.
212
00:07:44,034 --> 00:07:45,496
(tape fast-forwarding)
213
00:07:45,496 --> 00:07:48,639
♪♪♪
214
00:07:48,639 --> 00:07:50,641
(man) ♪ uh-huh ♪
215
00:07:50,641 --> 00:07:52,603
♪ yeah, yeah ♪
216
00:07:52,603 --> 00:07:53,644
♪ yeah ♪
217
00:07:53,644 --> 00:07:55,576
♪ yeah, yeah,
Y'all who it is ♪
218
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:56,947
♪ steppin' in, handlin' my biz ♪
219
00:07:56,947 --> 00:07:58,549
♪ not many get down like this ♪
220
00:07:58,549 --> 00:08:00,180
♪ v.I.P.
When they know it's me ♪
221
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,582
Him.
222
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:02,713
♪♪♪
223
00:08:02,713 --> 00:08:03,784
What about him?
224
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,485
Most popular dude.
225
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,957
He's the key.
226
00:08:06,957 --> 00:08:08,488
♪♪♪
227
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,760
I still got it.
228
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,222
Nice zit, freak show.
229
00:08:12,222 --> 00:08:13,493
Oh, that was discouraging.
230
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,025
Well, at least you got
A cool nickname.
231
00:08:15,025 --> 00:08:17,598
Freak show!
232
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,530
All right, let's go. Let's go.
Move and groove.
233
00:08:19,530 --> 00:08:20,671
Come on.
234
00:08:20,671 --> 00:08:21,672
Whoa!
235
00:08:21,672 --> 00:08:24,605
Fabulous! Just fabulous!
236
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:27,007
Greetings, new friend.
I look forward to quenching
237
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,640
Our thirst for knowledge
Together.
238
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,181
Hi, guys. How you doing?
239
00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:34,514
Hi. I'm miss morton.
And who do we have here?
240
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,986
Well, I got three
For you today.
241
00:08:35,986 --> 00:08:37,918
This is max weaver,
Third grade,
242
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,920
Abby weaver, first grade,
243
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,992
And dick... Butkus,
244
00:08:41,992 --> 00:08:43,293
Also third grade.
245
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:45,295
Larry, do you want
To say good-bye?
246
00:08:45,295 --> 00:08:48,528
Larry!
247
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,060
If you hadn't come
Into our lives,
248
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:52,563
I'd be back in my bathroom
Right now with both my sons,
249
00:08:52,563 --> 00:08:54,034
Trimming our respective bushes.
250
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,637
I've planned a love salute
For my parents.
251
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,108
Oh, you'll love this.
252
00:08:58,108 --> 00:08:59,710
It's what we do when we part
From our children,
253
00:08:59,710 --> 00:09:00,841
Even briefly.
254
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,973
It will involve gathering
Random schoolchildren
255
00:09:02,973 --> 00:09:05,576
And professing my love
For my mother...
256
00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:07,077
Mom?
257
00:09:07,077 --> 00:09:08,949
In traditional song form.
258
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,721
(max) mom!
Uh, not today, dick.
259
00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:12,282
You just go with max,
All right?
260
00:09:12,282 --> 00:09:14,855
"I love you so much, mother,
261
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,628
"That I wish
I could overthrow father
262
00:09:17,628 --> 00:09:19,590
And love you as he does."
263
00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:21,732
And you shall.
264
00:09:21,732 --> 00:09:23,563
All right,
You can take them now.
265
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,095
But I want to profess
My love of dick.
266
00:09:25,095 --> 00:09:28,138
No. No more talking. Please
Take them. Just take them.
267
00:09:28,138 --> 00:09:29,800
(miss morton) all right,
Come. Come. Come. Come.
268
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,172
Super--it's super fun.
Okay, welcome.
269
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,704
Welcome.
270
00:09:33,704 --> 00:09:35,205
(children shouting playfully)
271
00:09:35,205 --> 00:09:38,348
They're pulling everything
We have out by the roots.
272
00:09:38,348 --> 00:09:41,081
(sighs) buck up, guys.
Your son's gonna need you later.
273
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,885
Now listen to me.
This is what's about to go down.
274
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,717
(school bell rings)
275
00:09:46,717 --> 00:09:48,689
(debbie) your little boy
Is going to walk into school
276
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:49,960
And instantly become
277
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,663
The newest, most unique boy
There.
278
00:09:52,663 --> 00:09:56,727
And because of that, he's going
To get targeted as the weakest.
279
00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:58,669
And when it all goes bad,
280
00:09:58,669 --> 00:10:00,771
When he comes home in tears,
281
00:10:00,771 --> 00:10:03,774
You're gonna have
To pick up the pieces.
282
00:10:03,774 --> 00:10:04,935
Ow!
283
00:10:04,935 --> 00:10:06,637
Ow!
284
00:10:06,637 --> 00:10:09,139
Look, I'm not the weakest boy
In school.
285
00:10:09,139 --> 00:10:15,085
He's new and strange,
And I'm expressing dominance!
286
00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:16,616
(max groaning)
287
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,748
Hey, guys, look.
288
00:10:17,748 --> 00:10:19,650
The new kid just got beat up
By the redheaded girl.
289
00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:20,721
(boys laugh)
290
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,729
Well, this is a first.
291
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:32,162
I don't think I have ever
Had to call parents in
292
00:10:32,162 --> 00:10:34,234
On the first day of school
293
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,837
Within the first half-hour.
294
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,409
We're as surprised as you are,
Principal berger.
295
00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:41,641
I'd imagine so.
It appears the weavers
296
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,644
Don't know everything about
Everything after all. (chuckles)
297
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,947
Dick butkus is the victor
298
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:50,280
And max weaver the feeble one.
(laughs)
299
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,253
Max, what happened? I thought
The two of you were friends.
300
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,785
I don't know, mom.
301
00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:57,387
Everything just seems
Upside down right now.
302
00:10:57,387 --> 00:11:00,260
Wait a minute.
Dick beat up max?
303
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,432
I did.
He sure did. (laughs)
304
00:11:02,432 --> 00:11:04,334
(marty) why?
So I would not be viewed
As the weakest,
305
00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:07,397
Thus tormented, wedgied,
And hate-crimed.
306
00:11:07,397 --> 00:11:08,999
And who told you
That would happen?
307
00:11:08,999 --> 00:11:10,370
The small one.
308
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,242
We wanted to come to you,
Principal,
309
00:11:12,242 --> 00:11:14,074
But we were told
It would only make it worse
310
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,846
For dick
And his boneless back.
311
00:11:15,846 --> 00:11:16,907
Boneless?
312
00:11:16,907 --> 00:11:19,349
Who told you that?
313
00:11:19,349 --> 00:11:22,252
Oh, please.
Without our guidance,
314
00:11:22,252 --> 00:11:24,885
You would've sent them to school
Looking like arnold palmer.
315
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:27,187
What has arnold palmer
Ever done to you
316
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,458
Besides keep an eye
On your house when you're away
317
00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:30,260
And pick up your mail?
318
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:31,792
I'm sorry.
What is happening here?
319
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,363
(larry) I'll tell you
What's happening.
320
00:11:33,363 --> 00:11:35,425
They've gotten
Everything wrong.
321
00:11:35,425 --> 00:11:37,427
Let me ask you, principal--
Is it proper
322
00:11:37,427 --> 00:11:40,070
That a boy be sent to school
With his pants so low
323
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:43,373
That you can see, not one,
Not two, but all three of his--
324
00:11:43,373 --> 00:11:45,175
Larry!
325
00:11:45,175 --> 00:11:47,037
Anuses?
326
00:11:47,037 --> 00:11:49,379
I don't think I understand.
327
00:11:49,379 --> 00:11:51,782
But I think
I'm starting to.
328
00:11:51,782 --> 00:11:54,444
Family, stand.
329
00:11:54,444 --> 00:11:57,317
All week, you two have deemed us
Incompetent parents,
330
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,890
But we are not
Incompetent parents,
331
00:11:59,890 --> 00:12:02,893
And my son's victory today
Proves just that.
332
00:12:02,893 --> 00:12:04,724
No. No.
This isn't a victory.
333
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,227
Of course it is.
Yeah, but I am
Giving him detention.
334
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,960
Thank you. Just send it
To our home, please.
335
00:12:13,363 --> 00:12:15,505
(door closes)
336
00:12:15,505 --> 00:12:17,207
They're british, so...
337
00:12:17,207 --> 00:12:19,209
From england. Yeah.
338
00:12:19,209 --> 00:12:21,341
Okay, family, stand.
339
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:22,943
(grunts)
340
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,115
Come on.
341
00:12:25,115 --> 00:12:26,246
Okay.
342
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,249
♪♪♪
343
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:33,353
♪ I've got a habit,
Habit for you ♪
344
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,225
♪ you've got a habit ♪
345
00:12:35,225 --> 00:12:37,257
I've had
A disturbing first day, amber.
346
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,929
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think the other students
347
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:40,861
Weren't interested
In learning anything--
348
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,763
Hit the "Mute" button, dude.
349
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,235
I'm thinking.
350
00:12:45,235 --> 00:12:49,299
♪ you got the honey,
What can I say? ♪
351
00:12:49,299 --> 00:12:50,370
♪ I've had the money ♪
352
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,471
What are you
Thinking about?
353
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,073
How I can impress "Twilight"
Over there
354
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,445
With mount vesuvius
On my chin.
355
00:12:55,445 --> 00:12:57,407
♪♪♪
356
00:12:57,407 --> 00:12:59,449
What did you do
At your last school?
357
00:12:59,449 --> 00:13:02,382
I didn't do anything.
I just had to be myself.
358
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,114
Also, I started a rumor
359
00:13:04,114 --> 00:13:05,986
That I was
In a celebrity relationship
360
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:08,488
And I was being really cruel
To my real friends
361
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,390
In front of the popular kids.
362
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,462
(chuckles)
363
00:13:12,462 --> 00:13:14,424
I find you fascinating,
Amber weaver.
364
00:13:14,424 --> 00:13:15,465
Mute.
365
00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,497
♪♪♪
366
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,569
I really have to get back
To work.
No, I know. All right, so go.
367
00:13:19,569 --> 00:13:21,431
So we'll talk it with them
When I get--
Yeah.
368
00:13:21,431 --> 00:13:22,873
Aah!
369
00:13:22,873 --> 00:13:23,904
Hi, jackie.
370
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,575
I have come to
Return these.
371
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:28,508
My husband and I do not want
Them near our toilet garden.
372
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,880
Okay.
373
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,281
As appreciative as we are
374
00:13:31,281 --> 00:13:32,542
For everything
That you have taught us...
375
00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:34,344
Don't falter, wife.
(kareem) go, jackie!
376
00:13:34,344 --> 00:13:36,516
You got this, jackie.
Bring it home, jackie!
377
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,419
We may do things differently,
But we are not bad parents,
378
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,021
Despite what you may think,
And--
379
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,492
I don't think
You're bad parents.
380
00:13:42,492 --> 00:13:44,454
(kareem) lies!
(mary lou) she's judging you.
381
00:13:44,454 --> 00:13:46,056
Make it rain, jackie.
382
00:13:46,056 --> 00:13:48,128
Listen, larry,
383
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,530
If you're not gonna raise
Your kids by human rules,
384
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,863
Then we're gonna
Have to insist
385
00:13:52,863 --> 00:13:54,604
That our children
Don't spend time together.
386
00:13:54,604 --> 00:13:56,937
Then I'll just go out
And buy dick a punching bag.
387
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,209
He won't even realize
Max is gone.
(gasps)
388
00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:00,610
What?
(zabvronians) huzzah!
389
00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:03,443
Our children are confident,
Smart, and strong,
390
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,915
And I'm not afraid to say it,
391
00:14:04,915 --> 00:14:06,346
And they are not embarrassed
To hear it.
392
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,948
And if my son's victory over
Your son today
393
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,479
Proves anything at all--
Okay, jackie,
394
00:14:09,479 --> 00:14:11,551
You really have to stop
Referring to it as a victory.
395
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:12,852
And you really need
To stop telling us
396
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,354
That we're doing
Everything wrong.
397
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,426
Well, then you really need
To stop doing everything wrong.
398
00:14:16,426 --> 00:14:18,628
Enough!
I refuse to be judged by a woman
399
00:14:18,628 --> 00:14:20,460
By a woman who subscribes
To "Us weekly."
400
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,962
I don't!
401
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,293
My daughter does.
402
00:14:23,293 --> 00:14:25,565
(laughs)
And I'm the bad parent.
403
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:30,100
(cheering)
404
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:32,242
Shut up!
405
00:14:32,242 --> 00:14:33,643
Ah!
(cheering stops)
406
00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:36,146
You have to cheer for me
Sometimes.
407
00:14:36,146 --> 00:14:38,648
I cheer for you. I have
Your back. You know that.
408
00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:41,511
Greetings.
409
00:14:41,511 --> 00:14:43,883
Ooh!
410
00:14:47,457 --> 00:14:49,189
Ooh!
411
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,292
Ooh!
412
00:14:54,164 --> 00:14:55,465
(max grunting)
413
00:14:55,465 --> 00:14:57,497
(boy) all right, new kid.
Initiation time.
414
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:58,598
Get off of me!
415
00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,070
Hey, harry potter's friend,
416
00:15:00,070 --> 00:15:01,932
You want to take a turn
Holding him down?
417
00:15:01,932 --> 00:15:03,403
I do not.
418
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,236
If you must dump a head
In an excrement bowl,
419
00:15:06,236 --> 00:15:07,507
I insist it be mine.
420
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,609
I'm quite good at it.
421
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:12,642
It's possible
I wasn't clear.
422
00:15:12,642 --> 00:15:14,544
Dick, help!
Shut up!
423
00:15:14,544 --> 00:15:16,446
Please! Stop!
424
00:15:16,446 --> 00:15:18,418
You're hurting him!
Listen to me!
425
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,591
I said stop!
426
00:15:21,591 --> 00:15:24,624
(squish)
427
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,696
Oh, crap.
428
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:33,063
Well, we're breaking new ground
Here today.
429
00:15:33,063 --> 00:15:37,307
Two incidents on the first day
Of school.
430
00:15:37,307 --> 00:15:40,040
So... Welcome back.
431
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,341
Well, it's good to be back.
432
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,612
Marty.
Sorry.
433
00:15:42,612 --> 00:15:45,315
Great to be back.
434
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,552
My son has been called
To the leader's lair twice.
435
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,654
It's a proud day indeed.
436
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,427
No. Not a proud moment. No.
437
00:15:57,427 --> 00:15:59,429
Perhaps you'd like to say hello
438
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:00,991
To the newmans
And the butlers,
439
00:16:00,991 --> 00:16:03,363
Who have also been
Inconvenienced today.
440
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:06,196
Since ricky and adam
441
00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:09,299
Weren't speaking
After the incident in question,
442
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:13,543
I asked them to draw pictures
Of what happened.
443
00:16:13,543 --> 00:16:16,046
Oh, the one on the left
Looks nothing like him.
444
00:16:16,046 --> 00:16:19,009
Mm.
We were just in the bathroom,
And he came in and turned green.
445
00:16:19,009 --> 00:16:21,681
I think he means
Green with envy.
446
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:24,454
No. Just green.
447
00:16:24,454 --> 00:16:25,585
They're lying.
448
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,617
Why do you lie?
449
00:16:27,617 --> 00:16:29,389
(ricky and adam scream)
450
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,221
Oh, this is a waste of time.
451
00:16:31,221 --> 00:16:32,522
My son was merely
452
00:16:32,522 --> 00:16:34,994
Coming to the defense
Of his feeble friend.
453
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,697
Who he punched
Earlier in the day.
454
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,469
Only to display his dominance.
455
00:16:39,469 --> 00:16:41,131
(paper rustles)
456
00:16:41,131 --> 00:16:44,634
I fear I have no choice
But to suspend dick.
457
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:46,576
Oh, thank you.
He'll love that.
458
00:16:46,576 --> 00:16:49,679
Where will I be suspended from?
Not too high, I hope.
459
00:16:49,679 --> 00:16:53,513
Seriously, what kind of parents
Act like this? And don't tell me
460
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,445
They're british,
Because I've been there.
461
00:16:55,445 --> 00:16:59,589
Wait. You're saying
We strike you as bad parents?
462
00:16:59,589 --> 00:17:04,594
Maybe this school is
Not a good fit for dick.
463
00:17:04,594 --> 00:17:07,057
I don't want to leave
This school.
464
00:17:07,057 --> 00:17:08,458
Please don't punish our son
465
00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:09,759
Because of something
We've done wrong.
466
00:17:09,759 --> 00:17:12,502
I don't really have
Much of a choice.
467
00:17:12,502 --> 00:17:14,734
Hold on. Hold on.
We've known this family
468
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,336
For quite some time.
469
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,638
Yeah, like, a whole month.
470
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:21,341
They are great parents.
471
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:24,314
It's just that they're
From another planet...
Country.
472
00:17:24,314 --> 00:17:26,276
Country. Country.
473
00:17:26,276 --> 00:17:28,818
And in trying to teach them
How things work,
474
00:17:28,818 --> 00:17:32,051
Some stuff may have gotten
Lost in translation--
475
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,654
As much our fault
As it is theirs.
476
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,586
(larry) you can say that again,
Sister.
477
00:17:36,586 --> 00:17:39,629
It seems I've graduated
From sarcasm to sass.
478
00:17:39,629 --> 00:17:41,661
Dick, max,
479
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:45,435
Can we promise principal berger
That an incident like this
480
00:17:45,435 --> 00:17:48,798
Will never happen again?
481
00:17:48,798 --> 00:17:51,641
Yes.
Yeah.
482
00:17:51,641 --> 00:17:54,744
Ricky? Adam?
How about you two boys?
483
00:17:54,744 --> 00:17:57,547
(crying)
I'm pretty sure ricky and adam
484
00:17:57,547 --> 00:17:59,349
Won't be bothering us
Anytime soon.
485
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,653
Okay, there you have it.
(grunts)
486
00:18:05,215 --> 00:18:07,187
Can I just take
This portrait?
487
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:09,419
Yeah, the good one,
Not the sloppy one.
488
00:18:09,419 --> 00:18:10,760
Thank you.
489
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,392
Good day.
490
00:18:14,364 --> 00:18:16,866
(indistinct conversations)
491
00:18:16,866 --> 00:18:20,370
You broke my heart,
Amber weaver!
492
00:18:20,370 --> 00:18:21,471
What are you doing?
493
00:18:21,471 --> 00:18:24,304
(students murmur)
494
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,136
(lowered voice) trust me.
495
00:18:26,136 --> 00:18:27,837
(loudly) and how
Do you repay my love?
496
00:18:27,837 --> 00:18:32,542
By having an affair with
A major american celebrity!
497
00:18:32,542 --> 00:18:33,743
(students gasp)
498
00:18:33,743 --> 00:18:35,785
I gave her everything.
499
00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:39,118
And all the while,
She's having romantic trysts
500
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,592
With television's alan alda!
501
00:18:42,592 --> 00:18:43,693
Wow!
502
00:18:43,693 --> 00:18:45,425
Who's alan alda?
503
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:48,127
(normal voice) I read about him
In your mother's "Us weekly."
504
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,500
Step one--I've created you
A fake celebrity relationship.
505
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,701
Reggie,
That's not how that works.
506
00:18:51,701 --> 00:18:52,702
Hey.
507
00:18:52,702 --> 00:18:53,733
H-hi.
508
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,365
Hi.
509
00:18:55,365 --> 00:18:57,307
New kid's weird, huh?
What a loser.
510
00:18:57,307 --> 00:18:59,509
Total stalker.
Have you seen his jeans?
511
00:18:59,509 --> 00:19:00,740
Yeah, I have.
512
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:03,543
A bunch of us are going
To zobo's for some fro-yo.
513
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,844
Awesome.
514
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,677
Let's go.
515
00:19:07,677 --> 00:19:10,320
Stay away from me, stalker!
516
00:19:11,681 --> 00:19:12,822
Have you ever been
To zobo's?
517
00:19:12,822 --> 00:19:13,723
I haven't.
518
00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:15,855
The ambiance at zobo's
Is amazing.
519
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,357
(amber) I used to be
A fro-yo chef.
520
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,858
Step two--be cruel
To your real friends
521
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,930
In front of the popular kids.
522
00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:26,436
These trousers are too big.
523
00:19:26,436 --> 00:19:27,837
(doorbell rings)
524
00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:29,839
Hello?
525
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,441
It's an orchid.
526
00:19:31,441 --> 00:19:33,443
We thought it would look nice
In your crapper.
527
00:19:33,443 --> 00:19:35,805
(birds chirping)
528
00:19:35,805 --> 00:19:37,277
Come in.
529
00:19:38,748 --> 00:19:41,681
Marty and debbie weaver
Brought us an orchid.
530
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,354
Oh, it'll look very pretty
In our crapper.
531
00:19:44,354 --> 00:19:45,915
Look, jackie,
It's not often
532
00:19:45,915 --> 00:19:47,917
That you get to train
Your neighbors.
533
00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:50,660
It's a treat. We may have gotten
A little carried away.
534
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,362
No, we--we asked
For your guidance.
535
00:19:52,362 --> 00:19:56,866
It's just that sometimes,
It's a little bit...
536
00:19:56,866 --> 00:19:59,869
If there's one thing we know,
It's how to raise our children.
537
00:19:59,869 --> 00:20:02,332
I know. I mean, we don't want to
Tell you how to raise your kids.
538
00:20:02,332 --> 00:20:04,374
Which is exactly what I said
This morning.
539
00:20:04,374 --> 00:20:06,276
Marty.
Or I could've said
Something else.
540
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:07,877
You know,
It's been such a long day,
541
00:20:07,877 --> 00:20:09,379
And I really should get to work
At some point.
542
00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:12,712
Point is, we're here to help
If you need help.
543
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,214
And we will try our best
To receive your help.
544
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,947
What a beautiful moment.
545
00:20:17,947 --> 00:20:22,492
It's the first day
Of my suspension.
546
00:20:22,492 --> 00:20:24,294
What?
547
00:20:28,698 --> 00:20:29,959
(debbie) amber, wait.
548
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,232
Honey, we thought
That before you went
549
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,665
To school,
You might want to give us
550
00:20:35,665 --> 00:20:37,937
A little, you know...
551
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,270
Emotional love salute?
552
00:20:41,971 --> 00:20:43,573
Some kind words.
553
00:20:43,573 --> 00:20:47,016
You know, something that
You love about us.
554
00:20:49,779 --> 00:20:52,021
A smile?
555
00:20:54,424 --> 00:20:56,686
Oh! (laughs)
Thanks, baby.
556
00:20:56,686 --> 00:20:58,558
You see?
Peace.
557
00:20:58,558 --> 00:20:59,989
Peace!
Peace.
558
00:20:59,989 --> 00:21:03,963
Oh, you see? They learn from us.
We learn from them.
559
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:05,765
Everyone's the better
For it.
560
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,397
Oh, good. There you are.
561
00:21:07,397 --> 00:21:09,439
We just grounded
Reggie jackson.
562
00:21:09,439 --> 00:21:11,901
Quick question--
How does he breathe?
563
00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:13,603
Oh, god.
What did they do?
40150
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