All language subtitles for Nothing Funny (1995)

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Second again.

My whole life I'm always second.

Even when I came in first,
I felt like I was second.

In the Eternal Life will I also
place fucking second?!

I think I know him from somewhere.

But where...?

- Looks like that guy from TV...
- Does he?

Don't think so.
Wait, I know him too!

Wasn't he on TV?

Wait... Do you remember when
they were choosing the prettiest teen?

Of course!

That one with those huge honkers...!

I think he was a judge on that one.

Holy heck!
Are you sure?

That would be something!

Yeah. It's that one fella

that made all those movies
about all those bimbos.

Those bimbos.

Jesus!
A real film director!

He must have had his fair share
of the merchandise...

Yeah, sure...

You think he banged them all himself?

- For sure!
- No way.

Banged them into the ground!

This dude sure lived his life
to the fullest!

As if!

What's his name...?

Adam Miauczyński.

Oh, man!
Look at his heels!

What's that on them?
Are those scars?

He must have been a happy fella.

Happy...

Where do you gather that from?

Have you ever seen someone rub their
feet together instead of their hands?

He must have been really happy!

Like all Hell.

We could make him smile just a little.

Like in the movies.

Check his teeth, see
what we're working with.

Damn, that's a no-go!

The front holds up fine,
but after that – ruins.

He probably brushed too hard,
too often.

Look, Billy has a black Willy!

Silly Billy, a black Willy!

How could that happen?

Surely from banging all those girls.

What a life he had!

Nothing funny ever happened to me.

NOTHING FUNNY

I was born at that horrifying moment
at dawn,

the one I fear just as much as dusk.

And those stupid cunts left me
unchanged in my dirty diapers.

So I cried for hours,
rubbing my heels together,

until they were bleeding,

which left me with these
lightning-like scars,

useless during Communism,
as they are now, in democracy.

Ever since I can remember,
my parents were always fighting.

I heard their first argument

when they were fighting
about my name.

Adam. Adaś.

Michał, damn it!

I think "Michał" is nicer, too.

Adaś, for God's sake!

I hate that name.

A... daś!

Stop fighting already!

That's impossible, of course,
because I was a new-born,

but something inside me shouted,
howled in that moment,

and then it kept on howling
throughout my entire life.

Ew!

I was born as a second son,
and my parents wanted a daughter.

My sweet little girl, Adasia!

Sup, youngin'.

My older brother, Miki,

always hits the back of my head
as a way of greeting.

Sup, youngin'.

Are you stupid?

With time, my brother caused me
to have a sort of tic. A tic.

Every single day is constructed
out of bullshit like this!

I studied directing,
because I wanted to be famous.

I wanted to date beautiful women,
drive expensive cars,

and have a lot of money.

An orange carcass.

Dear God...

I feel like crying every time I think
about the fact that I've spent

the best years of my life
in this shaky, breaky,

jumpy little dwarf
you can barely call a car!

Sweet Jesus...

What do I do?

Life was so good until now...
That's all over!

And all these holes
drilled in my teeth!

Was it a dental extraction
or restoration?

She kicked me out half-way
through the drilling!

She... kicked you out?

Her drill kept getting
stuck in my teeth.

She said they're too hard.

- What's too hard?
- My teeth!

I have hard teeth too. I think.

She tried drilling
in a couple of them.

And the drill got stuck in each one!

So she said to "go someplace else,

since I want to be
so stubborn about it!"

Miauczyński!

Do not go in there!

Stefa, look at that, damnit...

The drill just won't freaking pull.

Can't help you.

I... have to... pull this guy's roots...

with incisor forceps!

I'm going to have to leave it
like that. I simply can't do more.

Your tooth is too hard.

But it shouldn't give
you any more trouble.

What the hell are you doing?!

They were sticking out weirdly,
so I filed them down a little.

What...? Have you lost your mind?!
They're healthy teeth, aren't they?!

Well, yeah.

And you filed them down like
I'm some kind of rabbit?!

Hare.

...hare!

You have wolf's teeth.

But your bite is like a hare's.

Someday your jaws would
get stuck for good.

How can you talk like that to a hare...
to a patient...

Who do you think you are?!

Alright, alright. You can go now.

They kicked me out
from my first movie

because of the
cinematographer's diarrhea.

You got a lighter?

Danke.

We were filming a war movie,
and we were staying at some farm.

And the cinematographer had a
diarrhea. Constantly.

Every time he ate a soup, he
immediately ran to the outhouse.

Could I have some salt?

- Of course. Here.
- Thank you.

This soup is delicious.

The pyrotechnician had an idea
on how to cure his diarrhea.

I have an idea.

On how to cure his diarrhea.

I think it might be an anxiety issue.

Could be.

It's not physiological,
it's the nerves.

He doesn't have diarrhea, he simply
made himself believe he has it.

It became a stupid reflex for him.

That's why it's up to us to...

...make him have an opposite reflex.
Make him fear the toilet.

Make him associate that outhouse
with something deeply unpleasant.

We'll lift it up...

and balance it on two springs.

Oh, yes...

We'll put a nail from
the upside and the downside.

And to those nails we'll attach two
wires.

They're connected to the battery
and the firecracker with a detonator.

And all of that we'll
bury in the shit.

When he sits down, the nails will
connect,

the circuit will complete,
and everything will blow to hell!

The thing is, you must eat the soup
quicker than him

to come here and attach the wires,

before the cinematographer
comes running with his diarrhea.

But why me?!

And me?!

Can you hold this for a moment?

Be careful.

I graduated from movie school
with honours more than ten years ago.

and the authorities gave me
an apartment as a reward.

And that's how I ended up
staying in Lodz for almost 20 years,

the one, the only city
in the whole world

that I hate with burning passion.

20 years and I still feel
as if I'm only here on a delegation.

I've spent 20 years breathing
this cancerous city's air.

As if I've been exiled.

I even made up a song about it
earlier this week.

"Banished to Łódź City,
Even dogs find it shitty".

Dad, what is this?

- Where did you find it?
- In mum's drawer.

- What were you looking for in there?
- Money.

Did you finish your homework
finished?

In my wife's drawer
my son found a form

from an agency called
"A wife for a foreigner".

My wife borrows the "Success"
magazines from her friend,

a wife of a businessman
that I went to Polish studies with.

He got kicked out,
so they can afford buying "Success".

What is the meaning of this?

If someone attractive responds,
I'll divorce you and leave with him.

With whom?

Him.

I'm not picky.
Even an Arab would do.

That's even better.
I'm done living in poverty.

My wife is a teacher.

Don't listen!

Oh, mum, can I?

Sure.

How old do you have to be?

The sooner, the better.

Awesome.

Don't you love me anymore?

Do I... what?

She couldn't understand
what I was asking.

What about the kids?

I'll take them away.

What if I say no?

Then I'll leave them.
Doesn't matter.

Well then why don't we just
get divorced now?

Sure.

Every day I wake up hoping
that today is the day

that I get to live through the same
scenario

like in "The Master and Margarita".

That I step outside and meet
my unknown future love.

And love will strike us

like a criminal in the middle
of the night.

Half pack of margarine...
processed cheese... one kifli...

Will one be enough for you?

No.

- What time are you getting off?
- At 8 P.M.

Take it off...

I can't!

My hair is a mess!

But I can't focus!

It's very...

completely distracting to me!

Let me show you something!

This is my husband.
He gets out of the military.

And this is our daughter.

She's pretty.

And by sleeping with one or the other,

I might be messing
with someone's fiancée.

Maybe a nice, young man.

And for others, a mother or a wife.

Let's go one more time!

I need to get her
to kindergarten early.

Liliana?

Ah! Lila!

They said, people said,

that you could not name
a single woman

- that Maciek wouldn't bang.
- You're calling the right person.

But first - a job interview with me!

Let's meet in the Zoo.

Why there?

I'll show you how pumas do... the thing.
Don't laugh!

It's necessary to understand
the theme of the movie.

After that we'll go to my place.

See you then.

- What happened?
- I better leave.

I got kicked out from my second
production because of an explosion, too.

The main and most expensive scene was
when all Polish Uhlans

blow up a bridge as they retreat
away from Germans.

It had to be built specifically
for this movie,

as it was to be blown up,
and it had to be real,

because before the explosion
a whole army had to ride across it.

Its construction swallowed, absorbed
1/4th of the movie's budget.

Enough reason
for the line producer

to be focused on this scene exclusively.
It could only be filmed once.

It had to work. You couldn't film
without a bridge.

On the day we were
to film that scene,

the line producer personally
showed up on the set.

He never did that before.

Alright!

It will hold!

We can film!

We're ready to film, director!

Get ready!
Get the army on the other side!

We're about to start!

Keep it together, people!
This is the only chance we get!

Ass-istant, you better stay here.
You could fuck something up.

I'll come back here to give the sign
to blow up the bridge!

On the side of the river,

where our army
was supposed to retreat to,

they only left one camera
and me – the assistant director,

who was in charge
of absolutely nothing.

Forgotten, left out as usual,
a regular third wheel.

Ah, the most important person,
the line producer, was also here.

He was watching everything from afar.

In that moment I decided to do
everything

and anything I could
to show him my commitment,

After my last setback,
of which he was no doubt aware,

I wanted to become someone
he would remember.

Good morning,
mister producer, sir.

Is this the bridge?

Yes, sir, the one and only,
mister producer, sir.

When are you filming that scene?

Soon. In a moment.
"At high noon".

What?

Well...
Like the movie.

Everything is ready to go,
mister producer, sir.

First the army will cross over
that bridge,

and then we will set off
the charges placed under it,

and everything will blow to hell.

So the charges are already placed?

Of course, mister producer, sir.

Who will set them off?

Sappers. We hired specialists to come
in specifically for this scene.

Where are they?

At the foot of the hill.

They're hidden with the igniter
in the bushes.

How will they know it's time
to blow it up?

Do you have a sign
to let them know?

Yes, of course.

We have a sign to let them know
exactly when to blow it up.

And?

What sign will that be?

The line producer
will take her hat off

and raise it in the air.

Take her hat off and raise it.

In the air.

He doesn't notice me at all,
he doesn't see me!

And they'll set it off.

And they'll see a hat?
The hat?

Of course,
it'll be very visible to them.

Please, allow me to demonstrate
it to you.

Now was my chance for him
to look at me

and remember my honest,
dedicated face.

It wasn't the bridge.

Yes. It was.

The bridge.

No.

Yes. Unfortunately,
mister producer, sir.

No...

- I was simply meaning to show you...
- No!

- ...how it will look...
- Nooo!

...the sign...

Nooo!!!

Noooo!!!

No!

Nooooo!!!

They didn't kill me

only because the whole crew was still
on the other side.

13 years ago, a moron moved into
the apartment below mine.

Apparently, he was hired someplace
as an "actor".

Every day after coming back from work

throughout the day
and most of the night

he drills holes in the walls
and the ceiling.

Today I'm having some friends
come over with the impulse drills.

We'll drill holes together!

I must be completely stupid!
To look at a plate!

I must be quite the idiot.

They show a plate on TV,
and I stare at it brainlessly.

Is there no sound, no sounds?

- No.
- What happened?

I don't know. There was sound.

There were sounds.

There were.

Not even an alien plate,
a regular one!

They must be showing
how to make a plate, I suppose.

One with flowers or birds. Insane!

I even said to my wife, I mean,
ex-wife, we only watch TV together:

Are you also watching the plate?

Also.

We stared at that plate together
for 15 minutes.

With no sound. No sounds.

Another time I got kicked out of set
was because of a forest.

So green.

Very.

Yeah.

Green...

as Hell.

Indeed.

The plant life this year

has developed beautifully.

How long until we get there?

Not that long.

We've been driving for about 50 km,
I think.

Even more.

Almost 70, director, sir.

70?

How much longer are you planning
on having us drive?

Maybe 20.

We still 20 km left?

Even more, director, sir.
Around 30.

You found a shooting location

100 km from the studio?!

Well, if you want a good location...

It would do you well if it was
a really, REALLY good location.

I do think it's very good,
director, sir.

We're here.

Well!

Hey, Ass-istant, wake up!

Where's that location of yours?

Here!

This is the location.

Here?

This?

Yeah.

Yeah...

Where?

Where's that location,
which one is it?

Well, this.

This.

What do you mean, "this"?

Are you telling me this location
is in our general vicinity?

Point to it with your finger,

because for your sake I hope
I'm dreaming right now.

Well, this.

This?

What is this?!

It's a forest.

Can you explain to me what in
the fresh fuck do I need a forest for?

What do you mean, what for?

It's in the screenplay.
In the script. "A forest".

In the script? Show it to me.
Right now.

Look, I found a mushroom!

Here.

"When they finally drove over the hill
they were greeted by a view of a forest".

Turn the page.

- Oh, fuck.
- Read it.

"...they were greeted by a view
of a forest...

...of crosses."

Every day I leave my house
hoping to meet my Margarita.

And I believe I will meet her.
And we'll talk for hours,

like we've parted ways
only yesterday.

Like we've known each other for years.

And that she'll tell me that we must
have been in love even before we met.

And that she left on that day

specifically because she wanted me
to finally find her.

The fact that we'll sleep with each
other sooner or later

that wasn't even a question to me.

The only remaining question was:
when?

Excuse me.

Do you want me to do it?

Can you BE today?

I don't know.

I was never really interested in that.

Julian was the one who knew things.
He knew everything.

You know, I haven't been with anyone
for a long time after my divorce

One time we drove out to buy a sheep.

Some lamb meet for the grill.

I went with the sheep herder
to a hut to pay him.

And he suddenly sat me on the table,

and he suddenly did that thing
with my... you know,

I climaxed around 4 times,
one after another, no kidding!

And he himself – nothing.

He stepped out and managed
to bone my friend, too.

Two birds with one stone,
you could say.

I realised I was with a real man.

What do you think of that?

Ugh.

You could choose the colour.

How about black?

Don't even show it to me.

I broke up with my first...
my fiancé,

for offering this disgusting thing
to me.

To be or not to be?

Be careful!

That didn't take long.

From my last movie
I kicked myself out.

We were filming another movie
about Germans or some shit.

I was also
the assistant director

and we were about to shoot
a scene full of smoke,

but the wind kept blowing it
all away

so everyone was pissed
both at the movie and the wind...

Oh, Jesus...

Director, sir!

Director!
Will this dog be good for burning

for a burned dog corpse
at that hut later?

This dog, burned?

We'll put it down, burn it a little,
and put it in the cottage for that scene.

Fuck right off, or I'll have you put
down, burned a little,

and put in the cottage for a scene!

Oh, Jesus...

All of them great humanities majors,
for fuck's sake.

Where will I get a burned dog from?

You expect me to burn mine?

I won't lie down there myself!

Oh, Jesus... Oh, Jesus...

Can't your Ass-istant
help with the smoke?

Help them spread the smoke, Miauczyk!
Help them with the smoke!

I hate when people call me Miauczyk.

Give the assistant

one of those cans!

Smoke!

Smoke!

More!

More!

Keep it going, Miauczyk!

You, you! Keep it going!

Miauczyk, go left!

Go right!

Come on, come on!

Now, fuck off!

Action!

What the fuck am I doing here?

I'm in my forties, got two bachelors
from two separate studies,

and I'm running around
smoking like a car on fire

around a set of some shitty movie!

Like a dog, like a mutt!

Stop, damn it!

I was second all the time.

Running 1500 m – second,
in Polish – second,

in football – second,
in the Biology project – second...

And it'll be like that
until our fucking demise!

I let him curse when he's feeling
angry, nervous.

I hope he'll turn out less stressed
out than I am.

I want to love!

I want to be useful to somebody,
I want to help them,

I want to feel needed, be of help
to the woman I love.

I tried starting out with
a kind of "love foreplay".

I'd like to add something
from myself to this.

As if she has no need
for the rest of me!

Pathetic.

After years of being second
I am finally the first!

I'm going to make my own movie!

Hey, Waldi! Adaś speaking.

Adi?

It's been so long!

What's up?

I wanted to ask you if you wanted
to make a movie with me.

To be the director of photography
for my movie.

Well, well! A debut!

I guess, kind of.

That's interesting.

Give me a moment.
Let me fill my pipe,

so that I have everything I could need
for a conversation.

I'm just coming out of a bath.

I am ready, I am listening.
What's the name of the movie?

"Draw water with your hand".

I can already picture people lining up
in front of the theatre!

Can you tell me what the movie
will be about?

What about?

Sum it up in a few words.

It's a pretty complicated movie,
it's not constructed in a regular manner.

It's similar to a daydream of sorts.

Are you listening?

Yes, yes. A daydream.
I'm with you so far.

Where is the owner of this dog?

Maybe it's a wolf from the woods?
It looks like a wolf.

Yes, exactly, a daydream.

Kind of like a daydream!

Yes, you said that already.

Is that your dog?

You have a dog? A doggo?

No, no!

Wait, my pipe went out, it did...

Maybe it got wet from the rain.

Okay.

- What did you say?
- Nothing.

And in that daydream the hero is
talking

and is constantly facing
characters from his thoughts,

he has all kinds visions.

Yeah... That won't be very successful.

You know...
It's either "to have" or "to be"!

Maybe we can do both.
What about the dates?

We can start immediately!

That's out of the question.

I just finished a movie.
I need to rest, my man.

Alright! Fuck you then, man!

I'm out here in the rain,
some wolves running around...!

We had a freaking deal for years!

But I guess no...

...means no!

Miss Elu, is the manager around?

No.

What about the executive?

They left all together.

Miss Ela, I decided not to do that
movie after all.

I've been thinking and wondering the
entire night,

going through all the "fors"
and "againsts",

but I think I have to give up
the making of this movie.

Which one's better?

- What?
- Colour.

- I don't know. Blue, I guess.
- I'll keep the blue, then.

Though for you, a woman,
pink might be more suitable.

It is for you, yes?

I can't muster enough courage
to drag all of my insides

to the outside.

I have to protect my privacy.

Well, make up your mind, then!

I already did.

Pink, then?

They'll take it all apart!

Pink. But...

Okay. I'll take two in pink.

If there's still no one left to call,
no one left to meet,

I don't know how I can keep on
living this existence.

Mister Adam the director!
A phone-call for you!

Margarita!

Oh, no, I can't mess this up.

If I drool all over her
I'll blend in with the crowd

of all the guys attracted to her...
I must stand out, I must...

...be tough. A though guy.

Good morning.

And I laugh to myself,
merry at the thought of those

who don't have the "bon ton"
in their blood,

unable to fit in a greeting
without a rush

despite being in an energised
state of walking.

What's up, you shit-faced bamboo?

Are you just fucking around,
or did you swap heads with your dick?

I'm the one fucking
asking "what"!

You're pissing away valuable time,
ya cunt.

Get that shit done by today,
not tomorrow.

And stop shitting yourself over every
detail, it's fucking unbearable to watch.

"When on schedule you stay,
you don't fuck up our day".

Do it, or I'll rip your fucking face
clean off.

Thank you.

Adam Miauczyński.

You won't get mad
if I take my clothes off?

I don't want them to wrinkle.

Nope...

I can't look at her...
She's definitely hot as wildfire,

and I can't get soft,
I have to be a tough guy!

Do you have a light?

Can I ask you to light my cigarette?

No, I really can't look at her
undressed...

I'll burn up,
I'll go out like a light.

I won't look, I'll go out
like a light!

Do you have a light?

I've been dreaming about a love for
life my whole life.

I want to meet a woman
I could grow old with.

Are they yours?

Mine.

Wonderful.

How are you doing it?

Incredible.

You must have a really good...
blowing technique...

I do...

You live alone?

With my mum.

Won't she hear us?

She won't if we're quiet.

Oh, it's so dark. It's black!

Are you sure she won't hear us?

No. Will you treat me right?

I will!

I think it's finally it!
She's really wonderful.

Great.
You're getting married?

I don't know.
She's really young and fresh.

Still a child's face, her hair
like little blonde springs.

Interesting.

Her face stuck
in a permanent pout,

as if she just had to partake in milk,

which she doesn't like very much.

- Why are you clinking like that?
- I'm clinking?

I'm sorry.

Fuck this,
fuck this all to Hell, man!

I'm sorry!

- Damn you!
- They only told me some of it!

It's probably just a bit of slander!

Adaś!

40 out of the 40 years I've lived
have been wasted by communism.

Anxiety, imprisonment of the mind,

the split of a personality,
mongrelisation...

And democracy finished the job.

Are you getting in?

What are you waiting for?
Were you expecting a boat?

Is it going up?

Where do you think?
Sideways?

Dear sir.

- A good morning to you, first.
- Good morning.

Dear sir.

For this movie I need two kinds of...

Two kinds of, how to put it...
dicks.

Dicks?

Yeah.

Members.

Male penises.

There's a female kind?

I guess... not.

Then what was that about?

Keep talking.

One of them should be...

...Like so.

This big.

No, I'm just explaining
the attaching mechanism.

And the size...

Regular-sized, damn it!

Neither big nor small!

Calm down!

Average!

I don't know the exact measurements
of an average penis!

How big is yours?

Oh, that's...

You've never measured it?

No. And you? Have you?

I didn't.

I mean, I did,
but I'm not sure if it's long enough.

For an average one.

I did, too.

Well?

How long is it?

- 16...
- 14...

15 centimetres.

Around. Ish.

And it should spring...

- Like the real deal.
- Well, yes.

To the stomach, off of the stomach,

when the lady friend undoes his zipper

it should jump out of there
vertically.

Almost vertically.

I see.

So I think it should be...

Attached to some tapes or something
around the hips and crotch.

And on top of that
I'd give the actor

these tight elastic knickers...

These are mine!

What, you don't wear your knickers
on you?

I wanted to go swimming.

Kind of like a fundoshi,
like a ballet dancer's belt.

Acrobats, pole vaulters wear it too.
I saw it.

Pole vaulters.

And we make a hole
in that dance belt

and finally put the dick
through that hole.

The penis.

Yes, the penis.
Stick it out of the hole. Like so.

And then it will be attached.

Securely.
Excuse me.

Alright, director, sir,

we'll figure it all out so that the penis'
everything is attached everywhere.

To the knickers.

It will hold well for sure.
We'll think of something.

I think this idea you'd want to...

Alright, director, sir,

We'll take care of it
and it will work.

Camera, stop!

What's with that stupid grin?

You're supposed to be aroused,
why are you grinding your teeth?

It's not arousal!

These wires are stabbing me
in my actual cock!

What wires?

Those dicks mounted this dick
on bar stocks!

And it's cutting through my dick.

Show it to me!

If it goes through my zipper,
it'll guillotine my balls right off!

French Revolution style!

I'm going to fucking murder them.

You're gonna have to power through it.
Maybe it won't cut it off.

- Won't guillotine it.
- Thank you for your incredible support.

Alright.

- Let's go.
- Fuck!

Let's try that again.

- Camera!
- Action!

- And the other dick...
- The penis, you mean?

Penis – it should be inflatable.

So that it grows in his pants
as the hero gets more aroused.

So, like a hard-on?

What?

A hard-on?

What hard-on?

Well, yes. A hard-on.

But not a full-on hard-on.
Not precisely,

since it will be kind of soft,
given the inflatable nature.

It's just a manner of speech.

I'd say we do it out of
a bicycle inner tube

with a Presta valve.

Seal the tube off from both sides,
guide it,

have a wire attached
inside the pant leg,

and pump it up accordingly
with the hero's arousal.

Please, director, sir, don't even
bother with this kind of stuff.

We're the ones
who will have to worry.

I know precisely what you mean.

When she undoes it here, and he
pops out from the...

Can we start filming already?

Go ahead.

I have to leave for the airport in 15
minutes.

We're putting out a play tonight.

Action!

Camera, stop!

What the ever-loving fuck
is going on with that dick?!

It's like a bike puncture!

I guess there's a leak,
director, sir.

Take that shit off!

10 minutes left.

We're ready to go.

Camera!

What's wrong now?!

Only 5 more minutes.

What is she getting drunk on?

She keeps a flask
in the laundry basket.

If you had to show your ass-butt
for literal hours,

you'd take a swig for courage too,
darling.

The glue isn't holding on one side,
director, sir.

And who are you?

The taxi is waiting to take
the lady to the airport.

One minute left.

We can't film this today!

Give me those pins.

You're destroying my hair!

They worked on it for two hours!

We don't need you
to use your head today, dear.

Let's roll, Adaś!

Camera.

Adaś!

You wanted to run away from momma?
Adaś!

And where would you even go, Adaś?

You'd miss me too much, you'd cry your
eyes out...

And in the morning, I leave my house
again to meet my unknown lover.

I don't know the face I'm looking
for yet, but I already love her.

I heard it's impossible
to precisely recall

the face of a loved one
in our thoughts.

That's probably the reason why

I still don't know
what she'll be like.

Hi.

Hi.

You live here, too?

Yep. I do.

Me too.

That's nice, isn't it?

Yep.

Wonderful.

I hate this city.

Me too.

- Do you like my flowers?
- No.

You're Margarita.

Yes. That's my name.

Of course it is.

I think you're the one
I was looking for.

I've been waiting for you, too.

You're my last chance.

Margarita!

Fuck off.

That's my husband. Ex.
But we live together.

Gośka!

I'm staying.

I'm afraid to make love to my lover

and sleep with her at night
for fear of farting.

Yes! Farting from love.

Because the what I feel for her
causes me such anxiety,

that I have an upset stomach
and I have to fart all the time.

I haven't had it when I was alone.

But whenever we're about
to get to business,

I'm overcome with emotion,
and I start needing to fart.

Why are you going
to the toilet so much?

Ah, if only she needed to fart, too!

Maybe she loves me less?

I love her too much
and because of that, I fart.

What?

Climax, I will not,
for I fear the farts I've got.

And that's how farts force me
into solitude.

That's the gentleman,
director, sir.

Pleasure to meet you.

Overall, I've got no criticisms,

maybe save for two scenes.

We will play that film,

if you cut out the scenes
with the members.

- You mean the penises?
- Yes, the penises.

- But they're not real members.
- Penises.

Penises.

But they look real.

That's a good thing, isn't it?

Unfortunately...

But they're the best scenes!

That's the condition.

We have to cut them,
director, sir,

Adaś director, sir!

How do we cut them out?
I'd rather they cut me out.

Don't be so dramatic,
director, sir.

I made your bed in the small room.

Hi.

Hi.

M.

Margarita!

Overdue letter!

It's a bitch.

A great Dane bitch.

I have to keep her up here,
because she's jealous of that woman.

Don't you drink around her!
Dogs hate alcohol.

And great Danes are
the most anal about it.

Adaś...

I need to say something.

She sure likes to pop a fart before
the coitus, doesn't she?

Did she have that with you?

I don't know what to do next.

I died in November, of course,

in that horrible month that ended
all my relationships.

It deprived me of all my romances.

And now it took from me
my last chance for love.

There's nothing funny
about my death, either

Remember: every day is a battle.

But keep your distance...!

For any and all failures
you should only blame yourself.

Don't get up empty-handed
should you fall over.

- Dad fell over again.
- Yes, I heard it.

- What should we do?
- Let's cut his head off.

I hate it when they talk about me
like I'm not there!

Oh, wonderful.
Let's cut dad's head off!

Sit on your father's legs.

What are you... Beata!

Beatka!

Now it's "Beatka".

I'll give you your "Beatka".

Ania, tell your mom to stop.

Just let it happen, Dad.

Now the legs.

Ania, fetch the cleaver from the
kitchen.

Come on, you guys!

Enough of the drunkenness.

Fetch the cleaver, Ania.

Drinking.

You're not seriously going to...

Alright. Hold your father's head.

Stuff his mouth with something.

You can't do this!

You'll answer for this!
You'll rot in...!

Every Judge would exonerate me.

Cover him up with a tablecloth,
I'm grossed out by blood.

Hold him tight.

It was as if someone put
a stopper in me.

I was afraid of dying of cancer
my whole life,

but I had a feeling it would be a
heart-attack in the end,

during a monstrous hangover,

when I'm surprised from behind
by a little boy on a big bike.

I didn't expect to die
from a gumboot punch.

How can I face God like this?

Or gods, maybe.

What will I represent when I
begin to stop being?

What will be the sum, the amount
of "guilty" and "achieved".

A humanities graduate,
without Latin or Greek.

An "intelligent" person, who didn't
even know English.

Not good in Russian, went straight
for German "danke shen".

Barely touched Polish literature,

which filled me with embarrassment
and boredom.

Bible - unread, begun and
never finished Proust, Joyce.

Didn't go to theatre,
didn't watch many films,

unless they showed something on TV.

Never built a house...

Never planted a tree...

What happened?

We were just making a joke.

And how did it go?

Great.

Fucking great.

Goodbye, Adaś.

Well...

The joke's over.