All language subtitles for 1X02 The Dance-1

Okay. How many dogs?

Let's see. Dana, Karen.

- I count two, dad.
- 'Oh, yes.'

Another example
of that scathing Lambert wit.

Uh, none for me, Frank.
I couldn't keep it down.

I mean, my science fair partner
is coming for the weekend

and I'm really anxious
to meet him.

You've been working
with this dork for three months

and you've never even met him?

Well, we've met, but only
through my computer modem

and the occasional fax.

Okay, here's the potato salad.

Everybody dig in.

Uh, did I do that?

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ And no one would be better ♪

♪ To be puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in a clan ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ If all these dreams
fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

Maybe it would've been easier
if we built a cyclotron.

No, no, no.

Any dummy can build a cyclotron.

If we wanna take first place

we've got to build
a linear accelerator. Hmm?

Do you have any idea
what they're talking about?

Not really,
my junior high science project

was two cups and a string.

Oh.

Honey,
you know what would be fun?

Yeah, but the kids
are still up.

Yeah, well, yeah, that too.

But I was talkin' about
an evening out.

Just the two of us at the most
romantic restaurant in town.

I got it all planned.

Quiet little booth
in the corner, champagne.

I'll even pay
the strolling accordion player

not to come near us.

You say all the right things.

Okay, eight o'clock,
Saturday night.

Ooh. Oh, I can't make it.

Well, what do you mean
you can't make it?

Honey, they were booked solid.

I only got that table
'cause I promised Carmine

I'd re-pave his driveway.

And I don't wanna become
a speed bump.

I'm sorry, Frank,
it's just that Saturday night

is the backwards dance
at Al's school.

You know, that's where
the girls ask the boys and..

I thought if I was
on the dance committee

it would be a good way
for Al and me to get close.

Well, that's great, Carol.

Couldn't you get close
to her next week

and get close to me
Saturday night?

Mm. How close
do you want to get?

Don't you two ever
give your lips a rest?

Wait a minute. You two aren't
gonna reproduce, are you?

Not if you keep
coming through the door.

Come on, get your stuff
together. We got a game to play.

Let's go. Go.

Oh, Al, guess what?

I'm on the committee
for the backwards dance.

Great. Have a good time.

Uh, n-no, y-you're,
you're going, aren't you?

Of course not.

You mean you just
haven't asked anybody yet?

No, I mean I'm not going.

I know your problem.

You're afraid
no one will say yes.

Don't worry, all you have to do
is disguise yourself as a girl.

Dana, I could use you
in the other room.

For what?

Right now, the only thing
I can think of is a pinata.

Al, why aren't you goin'
to the dance?

I-it sounds like
it's gonna be fun.

I don't know.
There's no one I wanna go with.

Well, what about Roger? I just
thought you kinda liked him.

Dad, he's a pitcher.
I'm a catcher.

It's strictly
a business relationship.

You're not afraid of askin',
are you?

Why would I be afraid?

Well, for one reason, uh,
he could say no.

Dad, if he said no,
I'd deck him.

Listen, Al. If you want
somethin', you gotta ask for it.

I mean, look at me, I was afraid
to ask Carol to marry me.

And then finally, I asked her
and see what happened?

Yeah, you married her

and now, I've got
two jerky stepsisters

and a stepbrother who's building
a bomb in the basement.

So lemme get this straight.

Your mom and Frank

ran off to Jamaica,
got married

and didn't tell anyone?

Pretty weird, huh?

I think your family's great.

Why, I crashed your picnic
table, sat in your potato salad

and they just hosed me down
and told me to pull up a chair.

That's true.
Not many families would do that.

Well, certainly not mine.

Of course, they do hose
me down occasionally.

Let's have the old Beaver cheer
one more time.

Alright!

Hey, you guys, aren't you
supposed to be upstairs

workin' on your
science fair project?

Oh, yeah. We almost forgot.
We were too busy schmoozing.

Oh! Oh! Oh, oh..

Excuse me.

What's "schmoozing?"

I don't know, I think it's one
of those Chicago expressions.

Hey, uh, what were you
and Roger talkin' about

when you called that conference
out on the mound, huh?

Oh, I told him
just to throw strikes

nothing fancy

and I asked him to the dance.

Alright! What'd he say?

He said he was trying
to throw strikes.

- I mean, about the dance.
- Oh, he said yes.

Thanks, coach.

Boy, I got this
father stuff down.

Well, do you have any seats
left in the balcony?

How 'bout standing room?

Nothing?

Okay. Thanks for trying.

Oh, man. I blew it.

- Problem?
- Yes, Frank.

"Oh, man, I blew it"
usually indicates problem.

I'm sorry, Frank.
I didn't mean to be rude.

It's just that
I'm having a bad life.

Well, maybe I can help.
Heh! I'm hot today.

Well, I promised my music
teacher I was gonna take her

to see the musical "Cats"
for her birthday.

- But it's all sold out.
- Maybe you should speak to J.T.

Frank, I mean no disrespect
to your children

but J.T. is a pea-brained moron.

How could he possibly help?

Well, you see, his best friend's
father is a ticket broker.

He can get seats to anything.

He once got me a ticket
to Bucks-Bulls game.

I sat so close
I could smell the sweat.

What a treat for you, Frank.

I'm tellin' you. If you need
tickets, J.T.'s your man.

I can't believe
I'm this desperate.

Thanks, Frank.

Two for two.

Frank. Frank.

- You wanna help me?
- Oh, honey!

- Hurry up, hon, here.
- Oh, one second, hon.

- Take my right hand.
- Hang on.

Oh, wow! Animal crackers!

Ooh.

Thanks, Frank.

Anytime, honey.

Well, good news.

- We're back on for Carmine's.
- We are?

I thought you're
on the committee for Al's dance.

Well, I got out of that.

Well, hey,
this is workin' out great.

We're goin' to dinner
and Al's goin' to the dance.

- She is going to the dance?
- Yeah.

Then we're not going
out for dinner.

I gotta get back
on that dance committee.

Now, wait a minute, Carol.

I am the man in this family.
I wear the pants in this house.

Don't have any say as to what
we're doing on a Saturday night?

Shh. Frank, I'm on the phone.

It was just a question.

Al, you're gonna look
so pretty at the dance.

Thanks, but I'm kinda nervous.

What am I supposed
to do on a date?

Al, don't you think
you should ask someone

who doesn't date men
who are on parole?

He was not on parole.

He escaped.

Thanks for picking' us up
at the science fair.

Well, you're welcome.

Oh, Al!

Oh, you look beautiful!

Wow, what a fox! Hubba-hubba.

Come on, Steve,
we still gotta complete

the nuclear fission part
of our project.

Right, and if anyone asks us
where we've gone

we'll tell 'em
we've gone "fission."

Well, I killed them
at the science fair.

Ah!

Hello. Oh.

How you doin', Roger?

How's that old
pitchin' arm, huh?

Well, yeah, yeah,
she's right here. Hang on.

I-it's for you, honey.
It's your date.

Hi, Roger.

No. Sure. I understand.

'No problem.'

Bye.

What was that all about, Al?

Oh, nothin'.

A girl Roger liked better
asked him to the dance.

So he's goin' with her.

Looks like
I won't be needing this.

Oh, Carol. I got our
reservations back at Carmine's.

I figured since Al wasn't
goin' to the dance

we could still go out to dinner.

Yeah, well,
we have one big problem.

It's just that when I tried
to quit the dance committee

Mrs. Driscoll made me feel
so guilty I volunteered again.

Boy, is she good.

Alright, that does it. I'm not
makin' any more reservations.

From now on, we just go
and take our chances.

Frank, why are you worrying
about dinner reservations

when you should be
worrying about Al?

Honey, Al's alright.

She's already
over this Roger thing.

How do you know?

Because I talked to her.

I said,
"Al, how're you feelin'?"

She said, "Fine."

Gee, Frank, how'd you ever
get her to open up like that?

Frank, she is a 12-year-old girl

who has just
had her heart broken.

I remember one time
I had the biggest crush

on this guy,
his name was Bobby Stone.

I finally get up the nerve
to ask him to a movie

and he nearly laughs
in my face.

I tell you, I was so mad

the more I thought about it,
the angrier I got.

and finally,
I just got so angry

I went over
and toilet papered his house!

Oh, honey.

That must've taken you
a long time to get over.

- Well, when did this happen?
- Right before I met you.

Well, I think I'll go out back
and talk to Al.

Yeah, do what you want.
All men are scum.

Carol, I..

Oilin' the old
catcher's mitt, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, Al..

...I know that Roger shot
you down and you're hurtin'

real bad right now,
but these things happen.

Unfortunately,
it's, it's just a part of life.

It's never been
a part of my life.

I know.
But you're growing up now.

Believe me,
we all go through it.

It happened to me.

I know it happened to Carol.

Listen, it happens
to everybody.

You just gotta learn
to roll with the punches.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

No, I'm not.
It happens to everybody.

Watch.

Karen.

Karen, what do you do when a boy
breaks a date with you?

No boy has ever
broken a date with me.

Wow! If that ever happened,
I'd die.

Nice try, dad.

- Thanks a lot, Karen.
- Glad I can help. He-he.

You got them! You got my tickets
to see "Cats!"

Well, let's have 'em,
I have to meet

my music teacher
and get to the show.

Not so fast. We had a deal.

Isn't there something
you have for me?

Alright.

Here is Cindy Sherman's
phone number.

But if you tell her
where you got it

I will pull your tongue out
so far

it'll look like
you're wearing a neck tie.

And...here are your tickets.

Pleasure doing business
with ya.

Oh, my music teacher
is gonna be so excited.

She loves..

"The Wisconsin Cat Show?"

What is this, some of your
Lambert hillbilly humor?

Hey, you said
you wanted to see cats.

I wanted to see "Cats,"
the Broadway show!

They have a Broadway show
with cats?

It's a musical.

Cats that sing?

That has got flop
written all over it.

I'm gonna give you
a 30-second head start

and then I'm gonna
hunt you down like a dog.

I am chaperoning
a junior high school dance

instead of having
a romantic dinner with my wife.

Is my deodorant letting me down?

- Mom, guess what?
- What?

Steve and I won first prize!

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

- Oh! And you too!
- Oh!

I'm gonna go upstairs
and put this

next to my working model
of the human intestine.

We better get to the dance.
O-oh, Ste-Steve.

While we're gone, don't, uh..

Well, I mean, uh, just don't.

I know exactly what you mean.

- Hi, Steve.
- 'Oh, hi, Al!'

Listen, I heard
about you and Roger.

You know, you shouldn't
let it bother you.

Here we go again,
I am sick about getting advised

about being dumped from people
who've never been dumped.

Are you kidding?

Why, being dumped is my career.

If there was
a being dumped hall of fame

I'd be elected
on the first ballot.

Well, how do you handle it?

Well, magnificently,
if I do say so myself.

But you see, the secret is
being able to bounce back.

Whoa!

Uh, well, the point is

when you fall off
the bicycle of life

you gotta get back on
and keep ringing your bell.

My dad told me
something like that.

Hey, well, your dad's cool.

He's part of your
entirely cool family.

And by the way,
if you're ever looking to adopt

I'm sure my pop would
entertain a low-ball offer.

But even if I wanted to go

who could I ask a half hour
before the dance?

You?

Well, let me check my schedule.

Now, let's see here.

Eight o'clock, nothing.
Nine o'clock, nothing

Ten o'clock, nothing.
Yep, I'm free.

Great, I'll change!

Let's see, a girl in Chicago

a girl in Port Washington.

Steve, you are one bad dude.

'Al!'

You decided to come.

You gave me good advice, dad.
Steve helped me to see that.

Well, actually,
Al just had the good sense

to listen to my good sense
about your good sense.

Am I makin' any sense?

No, but it doesn't matter.
Al, I'm proud of ya.

And you look so pretty,
I hardly recognized you.

Uh, uh, I mean, it's just that
I-I've never, uh

seen you in a dress before.

I-it's, it's, uh,
good-good look on you. Ha-ha.

Now, come on, Al.

Let's get down,
let's get funky.

Let's boogie
till they call the cops.

Al? Is that you?

Hi, Roger. This is the guy.

Wow! You look really great
without your catcher's mask.

Uh, look,
my date's getting some punch.

You wanna dance?

Why, Roger,
you're asking me to dance?

Well, yeah.

Then there's only one thing
I can say.

Take a hike, moonface.

Wow! You were great!

Well, usually,
when I say something like that

I end up
crawling on the floor

looking for my glasses.

I'm glad you made me come
to the dance tonight, Steve.

- I owe you one.
- Hey, an easy debt to repay.

- May I have the dance?
- You got it.

Hey, buddy, play a molto vivace

with a mezzo allegro
and an up-tempo backbeat.

Play a fast one.

♪ Now if you want to do
the Steve Urkel dance ♪

♪ All you have to do
is hitch up your pants ♪

♪ Bend your knees
and stick up your pelvis ♪

♪ I'm tellin you baby
it's better than Elvis ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪

♪ Now point your fingers
up to the sky ♪

♪ And talk through your nose
way up high ♪

♪ Spin and dip
and jump and cavort ♪

♪ And finish it off
with a laugh and snort ♪

♪ Heh-heh-heh heh-heh-heh-heh ♪

♪ Heh-heh heh-heh heh-heh
heh ho.. ♪

Ah, this is nice.

We finally have
a private moment together.

Private? It's hardly private.

We're in the middle
of a bunch of kids.

That's what makes it so private.
Nobody's looking at us.

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪

♪ Do the Urkel ♪

♪ Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Urkel ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪♪