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1
00:00:03,023 --> 00:00:04,122
How's that pressure?
2
00:00:04,191 --> 00:00:05,875
They train us to just
use our fingertips.
3
00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:07,138
Hmm, it's perfect.
4
00:00:07,163 --> 00:00:09,329
It's much better than
the way Mother does it.
5
00:00:09,663 --> 00:00:11,085
That's good to know.
6
00:00:11,110 --> 00:00:12,343
Mmm.
7
00:00:12,732 --> 00:00:14,699
- How's the temperature?
- Good.
8
00:00:14,768 --> 00:00:16,534
Good.
9
00:00:16,603 --> 00:00:18,302
It's getting hot.
10
00:00:18,371 --> 00:00:19,722
I know.
11
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:21,269
No, seriously, my scalp is burning!
12
00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:24,172
Oh, dear! I'm so sorry.
13
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,308
Here, I-I'll be right back.
14
00:00:26,376 --> 00:00:28,676
[Sighs]
15
00:00:28,744 --> 00:00:29,977
Wait. Where's Clive?
16
00:00:30,046 --> 00:00:31,879
You're supposed to bring
him over to my chair, Eileen.
17
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:33,181
I don't trust myself with him.
18
00:00:33,249 --> 00:00:37,051
It's like I'm angry, but
I'm angry in my pants.
19
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,287
You want to have sex, Eileen.
20
00:00:39,355 --> 00:00:41,122
No, that is not how I do things.
21
00:00:41,191 --> 00:00:43,057
Look, I can control my urges.
22
00:00:45,194 --> 00:00:47,561
[Sighing] Oh, damn him.
23
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,663
He's just so...
24
00:00:49,732 --> 00:00:52,165
sexy all the time.
25
00:00:54,102 --> 00:00:55,469
I need some air.
26
00:00:57,714 --> 00:01:00,647
27
00:01:01,710 --> 00:01:03,176
Kenny: Alicia Keys might be able
28
00:01:03,245 --> 00:01:04,911
to walk around with no makeup on,
29
00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:06,512
but now that Brett's in the picture,
30
00:01:06,581 --> 00:01:08,581
this diva needs a little help.
31
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:09,816
[Muffled] Tomorrow,
32
00:01:09,885 --> 00:01:12,964
you are going to look
absolutely stunning.
33
00:01:13,089 --> 00:01:14,254
[Sighs]
34
00:01:16,339 --> 00:01:18,023
Brett!
35
00:01:18,092 --> 00:01:20,192
[Swallows]
36
00:01:20,261 --> 00:01:21,227
You're here!
37
00:01:21,295 --> 00:01:22,495
[Grunts] Sweet Sissy Spacek.
38
00:01:22,564 --> 00:01:24,671
[Chuckles] You have
a curler in your hair.
39
00:01:24,696 --> 00:01:26,383
No, I don't. [Chuckles]
40
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,258
How did you get in here?
41
00:01:28,302 --> 00:01:30,403
I climbed in your window.
42
00:01:30,472 --> 00:01:33,005
Oh, my God.
43
00:01:33,074 --> 00:01:35,098
Oh, my God! Did my parents see you?
44
00:01:35,123 --> 00:01:36,441
- No, I don't think they were...
- Shh!
45
00:01:36,510 --> 00:01:38,110
[Whispering] These walls are paper-thin.
46
00:01:38,179 --> 00:01:39,245
Jimmy: Hey, Brett!
47
00:01:39,313 --> 00:01:40,346
[Normal voice] See?
48
00:01:40,414 --> 00:01:42,248
Okay, I'm sorry. I won't stay long.
49
00:01:42,316 --> 00:01:44,055
I just wanted to see where you live.
50
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,450
Look at this room!
51
00:01:45,519 --> 00:01:49,289
You've got your ribbons and plaques.
52
00:01:49,314 --> 00:01:51,022
What's that? "Perfect Attendance."
53
00:01:51,091 --> 00:01:53,892
Yeah, powered through
shingles to get that one, NBD.
54
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,293
Supposed to get another one this year.
55
00:01:55,362 --> 00:01:57,028
Attendance is kind of my jam.
56
00:01:57,097 --> 00:01:58,730
You know, I usually go for the bad boys,
57
00:01:58,799 --> 00:02:00,399
not the altar boys.
58
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:02,697
I am not an altar boy.
59
00:02:03,771 --> 00:02:05,470
It's funny... I have never dated
60
00:02:05,539 --> 00:02:07,772
a Secretary General of the Model U.N.
61
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,627
or a Kiwanis Teen of the Week before.
62
00:02:10,705 --> 00:02:13,240
I... I, like, barely won that award.
63
00:02:13,308 --> 00:02:15,697
I didn't even show up to
the ceremony... on time.
64
00:02:15,722 --> 00:02:17,578
Ooh, real rebel.
65
00:02:17,646 --> 00:02:20,047
Yeah, damn right I am. [Chuckles]
66
00:02:20,115 --> 00:02:24,485
I have a boy in my room after hours
67
00:02:24,552 --> 00:02:26,220
who I might just kiss.
68
00:02:28,054 --> 00:02:30,424
Mm, hold on. I do not feel good.
69
00:02:30,492 --> 00:02:33,594
I should not have swallowed
that whitening strip.
70
00:02:33,848 --> 00:02:36,116
I got a real funny tummy right now.
71
00:02:39,773 --> 00:02:42,609
Well, we are officially
no longer married.
72
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:43,654
Mm-hmm.
73
00:02:43,679 --> 00:02:45,999
We should do something special
to, you know, signify it.
74
00:02:46,024 --> 00:02:48,046
Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah.
Like a fancy handshake.
75
00:02:48,071 --> 00:02:49,638
- Yeah!
- Okay.
76
00:02:49,663 --> 00:02:51,865
Oh. There. Okay.
77
00:02:51,890 --> 00:02:53,647
- Just... good marriage.
- Hey, also with you.
78
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,015
Thank you.
79
00:02:55,083 --> 00:02:56,784
Well, I guess we should
divide up our assets, huh?
80
00:02:56,851 --> 00:02:58,152
[Both chuckle]
81
00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,659
Oh, here we go. Uh...
82
00:02:59,683 --> 00:03:02,957
I bequeath to you one
salt and pepper shaker
83
00:03:02,973 --> 00:03:04,394
from Un Poco Mexican Restaurant.
84
00:03:04,419 --> 00:03:06,219
Aww, Pat. Are you sure?
85
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,254
Ah, yeah.
86
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,488
Look, you stole them anyway,
87
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,390
and I was never really
comfortable with it.
88
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,979
And your half of the estate
89
00:03:13,004 --> 00:03:16,062
is a gift certificate for
a free couples massage.
90
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:17,230
- Oh, hey!
- Huh?
91
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,010
Someday, you can take
some special lady...
92
00:03:19,035 --> 00:03:21,510
Oh, no. It expires tomorrow.
93
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:22,802
Gloria it is!
94
00:03:28,422 --> 00:03:29,743
Hey, Pat!
95
00:03:30,063 --> 00:03:32,012
Greetings, my lady.
96
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,048
I have come to finally
ask you on a proper date.
97
00:03:35,291 --> 00:03:38,080
Bam! Couples massage.
98
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,502
Has everything a real
date's supposed to have...
99
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,023
hot rocks, aromatherapy,
uncomfortable nudity!
100
00:03:43,158 --> 00:03:44,555
Now's not a good time.
101
00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:46,523
Well, here's the thing, though.
102
00:03:46,548 --> 00:03:49,883
It's kind of got to happen
in the next 16 hours,
103
00:03:49,959 --> 00:03:52,160
because this gift
certificate expires today.
104
00:03:52,228 --> 00:03:53,995
So, why don't I just come on in?
105
00:03:54,063 --> 00:03:55,729
You can finish what you're
doing, and we'll go, okay?
106
00:03:55,754 --> 00:03:58,127
Um, uh... How do I say this?
107
00:03:58,152 --> 00:03:59,458
There's someone here, Pat.
108
00:03:59,533 --> 00:04:00,769
Like a housekeeper?
109
00:04:00,837 --> 00:04:04,181
Yes... but it's a man.
110
00:04:04,206 --> 00:04:05,908
Who I just had sex with.
111
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:08,620
Oh, wow, okay!
112
00:04:08,688 --> 00:04:09,869
I mean, you moved so slow,
113
00:04:09,894 --> 00:04:12,134
I-I just assumed you weren't interested.
114
00:04:12,159 --> 00:04:14,859
Um, well, this wasn't a romantic thing.
115
00:04:14,927 --> 00:04:16,061
No, no no. This was...
116
00:04:16,128 --> 00:04:18,363
this is couples massage
for a couple of friends,
117
00:04:18,431 --> 00:04:20,498
and I totally expected
you to have somebody here.
118
00:04:20,566 --> 00:04:22,438
I just left a girl at my place.
119
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,220
Yeah. Blair... Underwood.
120
00:04:24,245 --> 00:04:25,937
No relation, but she
gets that all the time.
121
00:04:26,005 --> 00:04:27,038
I'm gonna go.
122
00:04:27,106 --> 00:04:28,039
123
00:04:28,107 --> 00:04:29,307
[School bell rings]
124
00:04:29,375 --> 00:04:31,803
Brothers from the same
mother! I need your help.
125
00:04:31,828 --> 00:04:34,012
We're supposed to dissect
live frogs in biology today,
126
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,108
but I am starting a petition to stop it.
127
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:37,549
Man, you're so lucky!
128
00:04:37,616 --> 00:04:40,186
The only thing I got to
dissect was a starfish.
129
00:04:40,211 --> 00:04:41,780
They don't even have vaginas!
130
00:04:41,805 --> 00:04:43,388
Aww, poor Jimmy.
131
00:04:43,456 --> 00:04:45,883
Another thing hiding
its vagina from you.
132
00:04:46,743 --> 00:04:48,293
Since when is this your cause?
133
00:04:48,318 --> 00:04:50,495
There's two things I care
most about in this world...
134
00:04:50,563 --> 00:04:52,664
frogs, and the dismantling
of the Federal Bank.
135
00:04:52,732 --> 00:04:54,612
Okay, well, I'm with
you on the frogs thing.
136
00:04:54,637 --> 00:04:56,426
But I actually have faith
in our banking system.
137
00:04:56,451 --> 00:04:57,669
Then you're a damn fool.
138
00:04:57,737 --> 00:04:59,471
But hand out these petitions for me.
139
00:04:59,538 --> 00:05:01,473
If we get 100 signatures,
they'll cancel the class.
140
00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:03,641
I'll sign it for you
if you draw me a picture
141
00:05:03,709 --> 00:05:05,510
of where a starfish's privates are.
142
00:05:05,578 --> 00:05:08,487
Like, if my hand is a starfish,
143
00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:10,465
where the party be at?
144
00:05:10,490 --> 00:05:11,516
- Ow!
- [Cellphone vibrating]
145
00:05:11,568 --> 00:05:13,684
Oh, wait. This is Brett.
I have to take this.
146
00:05:13,709 --> 00:05:16,996
Um, but I will get signatures
for you at lunch, okay?
147
00:05:19,004 --> 00:05:20,425
[Clears throat]
148
00:05:20,493 --> 00:05:21,493
[Deep voice] What's up, yo?
149
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:22,894
Oh, sorry. Wrong number.
150
00:05:22,962 --> 00:05:25,830
[Normal voice] Oh, no, no,
no. Sorry, it's me. It's Kenny.
151
00:05:25,898 --> 00:05:27,999
I'm saying a normal hello. Go for Kenny.
152
00:05:28,024 --> 00:05:29,624
Hey, what are you doing right now?
153
00:05:29,656 --> 00:05:31,438
Ah, you know, I'm just at school,
154
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,671
watching these losers get to class.
155
00:05:33,739 --> 00:05:34,873
Yeah, move it, nerd!
156
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:35,940
[Whispering] I'm so sorry, Lars.
157
00:05:36,008 --> 00:05:37,994
I'll see you at Model U.N. later.
158
00:05:38,978 --> 00:05:40,011
[Normal voice] What are you up to?
159
00:05:40,079 --> 00:05:41,978
On Tuesdays, we have a walk-away lunch,
160
00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:44,415
and, uh, I'd like to walk away with you.
161
00:05:44,483 --> 00:05:46,084
Uh, you want to come?
162
00:05:46,152 --> 00:05:48,620
I actually... I don't
have a walk-away lunch.
163
00:05:48,687 --> 00:05:50,522
Oh, okay, well, I don't want you
164
00:05:50,589 --> 00:05:52,056
to get in trouble or anything.
165
00:05:52,124 --> 00:05:53,258
So, how 'bout later, then?
166
00:05:53,325 --> 00:05:55,372
A-are you kidding? I love trouble.
167
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:56,793
Trouble, actually, is not just the name
168
00:05:56,818 --> 00:05:58,129
of a board game I excel at.
169
00:05:58,197 --> 00:05:59,895
It's also a word...
170
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,803
to describe something
I like to get into.
171
00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:04,873
[Chuckles nervously] Right?
172
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,272
Um, so, in summary, you and me, lunch...
173
00:06:07,339 --> 00:06:08,439
it's happening.
174
00:06:08,507 --> 00:06:09,641
[Knock on door]
175
00:06:09,708 --> 00:06:13,318
Oh! Eileen! Well, what a nice surprise.
176
00:06:13,343 --> 00:06:14,579
Um, what brings you by?
177
00:06:14,647 --> 00:06:17,248
Well, I just thought I'd drop by,
178
00:06:17,316 --> 00:06:19,317
bring some lunch, say hi,
179
00:06:19,385 --> 00:06:22,555
and mention that my divorce
from Pat is now final.
180
00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:24,808
- Oh.
- As of today,
181
00:06:24,832 --> 00:06:26,648
I am no longer a married woman.
182
00:06:26,673 --> 00:06:29,430
[Chuckles] I am so pleased for you.
183
00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:30,647
How's Pat taking it?
184
00:06:30,672 --> 00:06:32,206
He's such a sensitive guy.
185
00:06:32,231 --> 00:06:34,632
He has sad eyes. Did
you ever notice that?
186
00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:36,601
Clive, I don't think you understand.
187
00:06:36,669 --> 00:06:39,804
I can now do things
that unmarried women do.
188
00:06:39,872 --> 00:06:42,640
Things that married
women can't do, right?
189
00:06:42,708 --> 00:06:45,410
Like file an individual tax return
190
00:06:45,477 --> 00:06:49,180
or have intimate relations
with another consenting adult
191
00:06:49,248 --> 00:06:50,448
who is also not married?
192
00:06:50,516 --> 00:06:52,350
[Inhales sharply]
193
00:06:52,418 --> 00:06:53,599
Oh!
194
00:06:53,624 --> 00:06:55,253
Mm, yes.
195
00:06:55,321 --> 00:06:57,116
[Chuckles]
196
00:06:57,141 --> 00:06:59,974
Well, I'm not sure
what's about to go down,
197
00:06:59,999 --> 00:07:02,694
but this has the potential to
be the most significant moment
198
00:07:02,761 --> 00:07:05,129
I've ever experienced in
the vice principal's office,
199
00:07:05,197 --> 00:07:08,967
so I would just like to make
the mood a little more special.
200
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:10,535
Okay.
201
00:07:10,603 --> 00:07:12,637
202
00:07:14,106 --> 00:07:15,373
Yeah.
203
00:07:15,441 --> 00:07:16,507
Oh.
204
00:07:16,575 --> 00:07:17,650
Well...
205
00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:19,713
well...
206
00:07:19,738 --> 00:07:21,228
The lighting is romantic,
207
00:07:21,253 --> 00:07:23,603
but the mist also helps with my sinuses.
208
00:07:23,628 --> 00:07:24,571
Oh.
209
00:07:24,596 --> 00:07:26,284
Have I told you I
have a deviated septum?
210
00:07:26,309 --> 00:07:28,282
Let's not talk about that.
211
00:07:29,406 --> 00:07:31,907
- [Knock on door, door opens]
- Clive, I need a pep talk.
212
00:07:31,932 --> 00:07:33,266
Oh.
213
00:07:33,525 --> 00:07:35,493
I see this is a bad time.
214
00:07:35,561 --> 00:07:37,028
Eileen just told me
about the divorce papers.
215
00:07:37,096 --> 00:07:37,996
How you doing, buddy?
216
00:07:38,063 --> 00:07:40,365
Oh, I'm good. I'm...
217
00:07:40,432 --> 00:07:41,833
I'm just gonna go see a movie.
218
00:07:41,901 --> 00:07:43,534
Something with, uh...
219
00:07:43,602 --> 00:07:45,069
Blair Underwood.
220
00:07:45,137 --> 00:07:46,885
[Sighs] What is my problem?
221
00:07:47,806 --> 00:07:48,673
He'll be okay, right?
222
00:07:48,741 --> 00:07:49,974
Yeah, until he finds out
223
00:07:50,042 --> 00:07:52,825
Blair Underwood's really
more of a TV actor.
224
00:07:54,194 --> 00:07:55,380
- [Fire alarm wailing]
- Aah!
225
00:07:55,405 --> 00:07:56,425
Aah!
226
00:07:56,450 --> 00:07:58,261
Crap, it's the candles!
227
00:07:58,286 --> 00:07:59,550
Why is that alarm so sensitive?
228
00:07:59,618 --> 00:08:01,380
It's just a big wooden
building full of children!
229
00:08:01,405 --> 00:08:02,880
Well, what should we do?
230
00:08:02,903 --> 00:08:05,204
We got to go out to the
blacktop, take attendance.
231
00:08:05,273 --> 00:08:07,474
Wha... we could just
head over to my place.
232
00:08:07,542 --> 00:08:09,278
Let them burn!
233
00:08:11,118 --> 00:08:13,633
I'm not sure if this
is inappropriate, but...
234
00:08:13,658 --> 00:08:14,749
[Sighs]
235
00:08:14,774 --> 00:08:18,016
you look a little tense, and I
think a massage could help us both.
236
00:08:18,048 --> 00:08:19,672
Oh, you know what? Never
mind. Peace be with you.
237
00:08:19,735 --> 00:08:20,825
Jimmy!
238
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:21,860
Hey!
239
00:08:21,885 --> 00:08:23,648
How'd you like to grab a couples massage
240
00:08:23,673 --> 00:08:24,707
with the old man?
241
00:08:24,775 --> 00:08:26,842
Leave school in the middle of the day?
242
00:08:26,892 --> 00:08:28,926
And miss my math quiz?
243
00:08:29,011 --> 00:08:30,612
- I'm in.
- Oh, wait, if there's a math quiz...
244
00:08:30,679 --> 00:08:31,876
No take-backs!
245
00:08:33,477 --> 00:08:35,586
- Sorry I'm late.
- Oh!
246
00:08:35,611 --> 00:08:38,620
I raced home to pick something up.
247
00:08:38,687 --> 00:08:41,491
Oh. Oh, Clive.
248
00:08:41,516 --> 00:08:44,063
It's our first time. Can't
we just keep it simple?
249
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,227
Oh, simple's the only
way I know how to do it.
250
00:08:46,295 --> 00:08:49,030
[Clears throat] I just
thought these sensual oils
251
00:08:49,098 --> 00:08:50,976
might be nice to just relax us.
252
00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:53,201
Yeah, well, we don't
need to relax, right?
253
00:08:53,269 --> 00:08:56,493
We're two consenting
adults in an empty house.
254
00:08:56,518 --> 00:08:58,306
And, by the way, the
mailman already came,
255
00:08:58,374 --> 00:08:59,607
so we won't be interrupted.
256
00:08:59,675 --> 00:09:01,543
- Eileen O'Neal?
- Yeah.
257
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:02,954
Give me your forearm.
258
00:09:05,555 --> 00:09:07,925
Ooh, that's nice!
259
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:10,425
I only use oil to cook.
260
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,917
- Right.
- But...
261
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:13,321
this is nice. It's kind of warm.
262
00:09:13,389 --> 00:09:14,613
- Is that right?
- Feel this.
263
00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:16,495
Oh, okay. [Chuckles]
264
00:09:16,511 --> 00:09:17,544
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
265
00:09:17,612 --> 00:09:19,480
Yeah, little bit of a tickle there.
266
00:09:19,547 --> 00:09:20,781
Yeah.
267
00:09:20,849 --> 00:09:22,339
- Um...
- Wow.
268
00:09:22,378 --> 00:09:24,485
It is heating up there, huh?
269
00:09:24,552 --> 00:09:26,034
- It sure is.
- Whew.
270
00:09:26,855 --> 00:09:28,288
Aah! No!
271
00:09:28,356 --> 00:09:29,448
Now my forehead's on fire.
272
00:09:29,473 --> 00:09:31,696
Aah! It's like a thousand knives!
273
00:09:31,721 --> 00:09:33,394
Get it off! Get it off!
274
00:09:33,461 --> 00:09:35,462
How old are these stupid oils?
275
00:09:35,530 --> 00:09:37,798
I got them as a gag gift at a Y2K party.
276
00:09:37,866 --> 00:09:40,167
It's crazy we're still alive
to use them, though, huh?
277
00:09:40,235 --> 00:09:41,835
- It burns, it burns!
- Ow!
278
00:09:41,903 --> 00:09:44,505
I need to prove to Brett
that I'm a bad boy,
279
00:09:44,572 --> 00:09:45,906
but how?
280
00:09:45,974 --> 00:09:48,742
So, tell me about your
exes. What were they like?
281
00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:50,944
- I don't want to talk about them.
- Come on.
282
00:09:51,012 --> 00:09:53,313
This car is a safe space.
283
00:09:53,381 --> 00:09:54,548
I mean, not physically,
284
00:09:54,616 --> 00:09:56,650
because your oil light
is on, but emotionally.
285
00:09:56,718 --> 00:09:58,285
Come on, just tell me about one of them.
286
00:09:58,353 --> 00:10:00,788
Did you, like, cut school and eat lunch?
287
00:10:00,855 --> 00:10:02,523
Is that, like, your go-to move?
288
00:10:02,590 --> 00:10:03,824
Sometimes, okay?
289
00:10:03,892 --> 00:10:06,494
But we didn't eat in the
car. He had a motorcycle.
290
00:10:06,519 --> 00:10:08,319
Mm, that's cool.
291
00:10:08,417 --> 00:10:11,498
I'm actually trained in
stage combat and unicycling.
292
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,858
- That's not nothing.
- [Cellphone beeping]
293
00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:16,437
Oh, crap, five minutes
to get back to class.
294
00:10:16,504 --> 00:10:18,172
Does that mean you have
to get back to class?
295
00:10:18,239 --> 00:10:20,253
What? No, that's just a
text from my drug dealer.
296
00:10:20,278 --> 00:10:21,378
What?!
297
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,948
Oh, God, I've gone too far.
298
00:10:22,973 --> 00:10:24,311
I'm just kidding. Um...
299
00:10:24,379 --> 00:10:28,948
that is an alarm to tell
me to do something crazy.
300
00:10:28,973 --> 00:10:31,216
What is something crazy that
you've always wanted to do?
301
00:10:31,262 --> 00:10:32,686
Um... okay.
302
00:10:32,754 --> 00:10:34,317
This is gonna sound really lame,
303
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:37,581
but I have always
wanted to get a tattoo.
304
00:10:37,606 --> 00:10:40,627
Me, too! I've always
wanted to get a tattoo.
305
00:10:40,695 --> 00:10:42,696
No, I haven't! don't want a tattoo!
306
00:10:42,764 --> 00:10:44,031
Let's do it now.
307
00:10:44,099 --> 00:10:46,867
Why can't I stop my big stupid mouth?
308
00:10:46,935 --> 00:10:49,870
It's a little weird that
Gloria had somebody over, right?
309
00:10:49,938 --> 00:10:51,875
I mean, who has sex when it's light out
310
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:53,707
and you can see each other?
311
00:10:53,775 --> 00:10:56,410
I tell you, people do the
strangest things sometimes.
312
00:10:56,478 --> 00:10:58,111
Jimmy: I hear you, Dad.
313
00:10:58,136 --> 00:10:59,546
Is this good?
314
00:10:59,614 --> 00:11:01,215
I could use a little more pressure.
315
00:11:01,299 --> 00:11:02,805
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
316
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,000
[Grunting]
317
00:11:04,025 --> 00:11:05,609
- To be fair, though,
- Mm-mmh.
318
00:11:05,634 --> 00:11:08,388
you and Gloria never
really dated, right?
319
00:11:08,456 --> 00:11:10,844
Well, no, not really. But...
320
00:11:10,869 --> 00:11:13,827
we had a lot of potential, you know?
321
00:11:13,895 --> 00:11:15,729
It was all ahead of us.
322
00:11:15,797 --> 00:11:19,500
Mm! Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
323
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:22,174
Why are you two massaging each other?
324
00:11:22,437 --> 00:11:24,671
Damn it, Jimmy! I told you
that's not how this works!
325
00:11:24,739 --> 00:11:26,974
- I... I...
- [Sighs]
326
00:11:27,538 --> 00:11:30,172
Murray: Thank God this
calamine lotion's flesh-colored.
327
00:11:30,197 --> 00:11:31,211
It just blends right in.
328
00:11:31,279 --> 00:11:32,246
Yeah.
329
00:11:32,313 --> 00:11:33,213
Oh.
330
00:11:33,281 --> 00:11:34,581
[Seductively] All right.
331
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:36,688
Third time's the charm.
332
00:11:36,713 --> 00:11:38,102
[Sighing] Oh.
333
00:11:38,127 --> 00:11:39,253
Yep.
334
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,791
Yep.
335
00:11:42,857 --> 00:11:45,092
That's, uh... that's Pat's side.
336
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,760
Oh, right.
337
00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:49,129
That's... that's my side.
338
00:11:49,197 --> 00:11:51,322
Oh, um...
339
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:52,908
You know, let's just...
340
00:11:52,933 --> 00:11:54,549
Why don't we try the bench?
341
00:11:54,936 --> 00:11:56,336
Okay.
342
00:11:59,974 --> 00:12:02,211
Sorry, I just...
343
00:12:03,219 --> 00:12:05,882
There hasn't been any
other man in this bed
344
00:12:05,907 --> 00:12:08,148
besides Pat for 18 years.
345
00:12:08,207 --> 00:12:09,538
Oh, well,
346
00:12:09,572 --> 00:12:11,952
you should really change
your mattress every 10 years,
347
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:14,221
as is recommended by the manufacturer.
348
00:12:14,289 --> 00:12:15,756
Oh, really?
349
00:12:15,824 --> 00:12:17,491
Huh.
350
00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:19,912
Maybe I should get one of those, um...
351
00:12:20,829 --> 00:12:22,229
memory-foam mattresses.
352
00:12:22,297 --> 00:12:25,666
Oh, yeah, I would definitely
recommend memory foam.
353
00:12:25,733 --> 00:12:29,837
Or latex. It's heavy, but it's durable.
354
00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:31,772
You really know a lot about mattresses.
355
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,040
I just bought one for myself.
356
00:12:33,107 --> 00:12:36,012
I recommend Raffi. He's
over at Mattress Planet.
357
00:12:37,912 --> 00:12:39,112
[Cellphone ringing]
358
00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:40,551
It's the school.
359
00:12:41,549 --> 00:12:42,783
Hello?
360
00:12:42,851 --> 00:12:44,184
Oh, okay.
361
00:12:44,252 --> 00:12:46,629
I'll be right there.
362
00:12:46,654 --> 00:12:49,089
What is it? What happened?
363
00:12:49,157 --> 00:12:50,757
Whoa!
364
00:12:50,825 --> 00:12:52,693
[Needle buzzing]
365
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,677
Have you decided yet?
366
00:12:55,697 --> 00:12:56,864
You know, I'm just gonna spin around
367
00:12:56,931 --> 00:12:58,699
and point at the wall,
and whatever I point at,
368
00:12:58,766 --> 00:12:59,867
that's what I'm gonna get.
369
00:12:59,934 --> 00:13:00,901
That's badass.
370
00:13:00,969 --> 00:13:02,703
[Chuckles] Damn right it is.
371
00:13:04,606 --> 00:13:05,888
Okay.
372
00:13:06,908 --> 00:13:08,475
[Sighs]
373
00:13:11,919 --> 00:13:13,981
"RIP Kevin" it is.
374
00:13:14,048 --> 00:13:15,449
You sure?
375
00:13:15,516 --> 00:13:18,206
Kevins die every day, man.
376
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,517
I'll know one eventually.
377
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:26,110
I feel like you might
be trying to impress him.
378
00:13:26,427 --> 00:13:27,628
This is permanent.
379
00:13:27,695 --> 00:13:29,663
I know. I'm good.
380
00:13:29,841 --> 00:13:30,874
All right.
381
00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:34,668
You look pale, Kenny.
382
00:13:34,736 --> 00:13:36,638
I'm always pale when I'm fired up!
383
00:13:36,663 --> 00:13:37,696
[Chuckles nervously]
384
00:13:38,573 --> 00:13:39,873
- [Needle buzzing]
- Okay.
385
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,541
This may hurt...
386
00:13:41,609 --> 00:13:42,826
a lot.
387
00:13:46,648 --> 00:13:49,917
[Breathing heavily]
388
00:13:50,572 --> 00:13:53,153
Pat: Wow, your elbows feel so good.
389
00:13:53,525 --> 00:13:55,889
Much better than Jimmy's.
390
00:13:55,957 --> 00:13:57,491
How you doing over there, son?
391
00:13:57,558 --> 00:13:59,411
Oh, yeah.
392
00:13:59,544 --> 00:14:02,663
Just two naked dudes hanging out.
393
00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:05,333
Naked? I'm not naked.
394
00:14:05,566 --> 00:14:07,100
It's actually been a really long time
395
00:14:07,168 --> 00:14:08,435
since a woman's touched me,
396
00:14:08,503 --> 00:14:10,904
and so I'm wearing boxers and briefs
397
00:14:10,972 --> 00:14:13,573
just in case, you know,
the circus comes to town.
398
00:14:13,641 --> 00:14:15,645
We should have just let
them massage each other.
399
00:14:15,670 --> 00:14:16,732
You know...
400
00:14:16,757 --> 00:14:17,802
[Sighs]
401
00:14:18,005 --> 00:14:20,681
I sure am glad you're here
with me instead of Gloria.
402
00:14:20,748 --> 00:14:22,980
- Yeah, she would've ruined this.
- Hmm.
403
00:14:23,005 --> 00:14:25,085
And I'm glad at the fact
that she's having day sex
404
00:14:25,153 --> 00:14:28,160
with some random dude
isn't getting you down.
405
00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:30,558
Yeah, I'd almost forgotten about it.
406
00:14:30,583 --> 00:14:32,903
Your life is pretty
sweet right now, Dad.
407
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:36,074
You got all this freedom
because your marriage is over.
408
00:14:36,317 --> 00:14:37,753
It sure is.
409
00:14:37,778 --> 00:14:39,544
And you're starting a new life
410
00:14:39,569 --> 00:14:42,148
in your own 200-square-foot house.
411
00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:43,717
It's 190.
412
00:14:43,784 --> 00:14:45,352
And you don't have to listen to anyone
413
00:14:45,419 --> 00:14:46,724
or do anything you don't want to,
414
00:14:46,794 --> 00:14:48,261
because you are all alone!
415
00:14:48,329 --> 00:14:50,797
Yes, okay. I get it!
I'm all alone, all right?
416
00:14:50,866 --> 00:14:52,133
I live in a garage.
417
00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:54,068
I just got dumped by a
girl I'm not even dating.
418
00:14:54,136 --> 00:14:55,970
Your mother's lover is my best friend.
419
00:14:56,038 --> 00:14:59,656
And despite all this underwear,
the circus is in town!
420
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,075
What is going on?
421
00:15:01,143 --> 00:15:02,977
I hate these kids.
422
00:15:03,045 --> 00:15:06,280
One of the little monsters let
the frogs out of the biology lab.
423
00:15:06,348 --> 00:15:07,248
What...
424
00:15:07,316 --> 00:15:08,616
Oh, my God.
425
00:15:08,684 --> 00:15:10,451
Do you see what's happening?
426
00:15:10,519 --> 00:15:12,750
First, it was the fire
with the smoke alarm.
427
00:15:12,775 --> 00:15:14,922
Then it was the boils with the sex oil,
428
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,515
and now frogs!
429
00:15:17,554 --> 00:15:19,092
What are you talking about?
430
00:15:19,117 --> 00:15:20,762
Plagues. It's a sign.
431
00:15:20,829 --> 00:15:23,498
God is punishing me for my lustful ways.
432
00:15:23,565 --> 00:15:25,933
He sent plagues at every
turn just to stop me.
433
00:15:26,001 --> 00:15:27,301
I'm sorry, Clive,
434
00:15:27,369 --> 00:15:30,498
but God is telling me
that I shouldn't do this.
435
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,609
I don't know what other
plagues he's gonna send.
436
00:15:33,903 --> 00:15:36,271
I mean, I could handle cattle disease.
437
00:15:36,296 --> 00:15:37,929
A sea of blood?
438
00:15:38,712 --> 00:15:40,492
It's just not worth it.
439
00:15:40,753 --> 00:15:41,886
[Frog croaking]
440
00:15:42,329 --> 00:15:43,922
[Moaning sleepily]
441
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,646
Are you feeling better?
442
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,048
I guess.
443
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,083
Did I do it?
444
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:54,329
Oh, my God, I did it! I'm tuh-tooed!
445
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:56,376
You sure are, killer.
446
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,829
Wait, where is it? All
I see is this freckle.
447
00:16:01,854 --> 00:16:03,195
No, that's it.
448
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,264
When the needle hit
your arm, you passed out.
449
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,832
Legally, I had to stop.
450
00:16:07,292 --> 00:16:08,931
I fainted?
451
00:16:08,956 --> 00:16:10,869
Like a lady?
452
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,409
[Groans]
453
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,207
- Hey, where's my friend?
- He left.
454
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:17,443
I knew it.
455
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,244
I knew this relationship wouldn't last.
456
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,412
God, I'm such an idiot.
457
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,354
I was trying to be
cool, but I'm not cool.
458
00:16:22,589 --> 00:16:24,216
Nah, it's not the first word
459
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,852
that I would use to describe you.
460
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,729
So, what's going on, Dad?
461
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:31,610
Well, I thought that I
was upset about Gloria,
462
00:16:31,635 --> 00:16:33,625
but that doesn't make any sense
463
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,127
because we weren't
even in a relationship,
464
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,047
so I didn't lose anything.
465
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,204
I think what I'm upset about
466
00:16:39,229 --> 00:16:41,567
is just the thought of being alone.
467
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,036
Dad, a man alone is a bachelor.
468
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,038
The world is your oyster.
469
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,974
Y-you could... you could
have sex with twins,
470
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,876
or you could buy a crossbow.
471
00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:52,144
I've always wanted a crossbow.
472
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,712
And when you're not doing those things,
473
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,215
you have me and Kenny and Shannon.
474
00:16:56,455 --> 00:16:58,617
No matter what, we're always
gonna be there for you.
475
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,748
But I should spend more time by myself.
476
00:17:00,773 --> 00:17:03,779
I mean, I need to be
comfortable with... [Chuckles]
477
00:17:03,804 --> 00:17:05,849
well, me.
478
00:17:05,874 --> 00:17:08,227
I know you're gonna love it, Dad.
479
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:10,229
Just based on today, I can say
480
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:13,065
that being with you is pretty awesome.
481
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,932
I couldn't keep my hands off you.
482
00:17:14,957 --> 00:17:16,783
And when you're done being by yourself,
483
00:17:16,808 --> 00:17:18,596
there is no limit to the amount of women
484
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,272
you're gonna have in your tiny house.
485
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,574
Well, there is actually a
limit, 'cause I spaced it out.
486
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:23,942
It's like five.
487
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,310
It's that with two in the loft?
488
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,512
Yeah.
489
00:17:28,207 --> 00:17:29,848
Oh, hey!
490
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,183
Kenny, hey.
491
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,518
There you are.
492
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:33,752
Oh, my God, did you come here
493
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:34,902
to break up with me to my face?
494
00:17:34,927 --> 00:17:36,321
Okay, well, let me make it easy for you.
495
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,457
I know that you date bad boys,
496
00:17:37,505 --> 00:17:38,996
and you enter houses
in unconventional ways,
497
00:17:39,021 --> 00:17:40,993
but I'm Kenny O'Neal.
I'm a front-door man.
498
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,808
That sounded really sexual.
Okay, what I meant to say is,
499
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,572
I am not a bad boy, and I never will be.
500
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:45,931
So, I accept your resignation.
501
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,166
Do you want to take a breath?
502
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,511
[Sighing] Yes.
503
00:17:49,097 --> 00:17:50,302
- [Exhales]
- Okay, relax.
504
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:51,370
I'm not here to break up with you.
505
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,205
I left to get you a Gatorade,
506
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:54,940
and then, when I came
back, you were gone.
507
00:17:54,977 --> 00:17:57,612
[Sighs] That is so sweet.
508
00:17:57,637 --> 00:17:59,445
I-I don't want some bad guy, okay?
509
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:02,214
They're awful, and sometimes
they steal your leather jacket.
510
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:03,549
Really?
511
00:18:03,574 --> 00:18:04,640
Really.
512
00:18:05,188 --> 00:18:07,286
Well, what kind of guy do you want?
513
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:09,031
Maybe a guy whose bangs
514
00:18:09,056 --> 00:18:10,389
were curled with an old-lady curler?
515
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,125
I bought that in the
men's section at Sephora.
516
00:18:12,150 --> 00:18:15,320
Relax, okay? I think good guys are hot.
517
00:18:15,383 --> 00:18:16,795
Yeah?
518
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:17,921
Well, this morning,
519
00:18:17,946 --> 00:18:19,407
I brought up my neighbor's trash cans
520
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,666
because they have Alzheimer's.
521
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:21,601
Keep talking.
522
00:18:21,626 --> 00:18:23,735
I put change in other people's meters,
523
00:18:23,786 --> 00:18:25,882
and sometimes, I slip
an encouraging note
524
00:18:25,907 --> 00:18:27,041
in my brother's lunch.
525
00:18:27,066 --> 00:18:28,500
I want to kiss you.
526
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:31,052
Hey! You screwed me, Kenny.
527
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:32,811
You were supposed to get
me signatures at lunch,
528
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,012
but you weren't even here.
529
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,547
So, I had take matters
into my own hands,
530
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,349
and I released all the frogs.
531
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,551
Velzey: Shannon O'Neal,
I need to speak with you!
532
00:18:39,626 --> 00:18:41,757
You'll never take me alive!
533
00:18:42,515 --> 00:18:44,423
Everything's gonna be fine, Brett.
534
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,225
You just try to control yourself
535
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:47,860
while this good guy gets to work.
536
00:18:48,092 --> 00:18:49,928
Mrs. Velzey, hi.
537
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,830
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
538
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,225
Shannon wasn't the one
who released the frogs.
539
00:18:54,288 --> 00:18:55,334
It was me.
540
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:56,902
I find that hard to believe.
541
00:18:56,970 --> 00:19:01,273
Oh, well, maybe this tuh-too
will change your mind.
542
00:19:01,544 --> 00:19:02,685
That tiny freckle?
543
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:04,877
Okay, moving on. I
am the one who did it.
544
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,849
Any punishment you were
gonna give to Shannon
545
00:19:06,874 --> 00:19:08,614
I will now bear the brunt of.
546
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,075
Two days suspension.
547
00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,067
Yeah, no. It was Shannon.
She went that way.
548
00:19:13,509 --> 00:19:15,970
I'm sorry, but I want
another attendance plaque.
549
00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:19,691
Hello, Clive.
550
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,735
- May I come in?
- You know you may.
551
00:19:24,923 --> 00:19:28,400
Eileen, I can totally
understand how you could see
552
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,236
the fire and the boils
and the frogs as plagues.
553
00:19:31,275 --> 00:19:33,127
As I say it now, that's
all I can think of, too.
554
00:19:33,152 --> 00:19:34,873
Yes, that's why I had to bring
555
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,475
my big Mary up from the basement.
556
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:39,275
Big Mary? What was Kenny
doing in the basement?
557
00:19:40,170 --> 00:19:40,979
Oh!
558
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,314
[Bells toll]
559
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,061
That Mary. She is lifelike. [Chuckles]
560
00:19:45,086 --> 00:19:47,428
May we speak privately?
561
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:51,657
Look, whatever you say,
562
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,425
I am not going to
have sex with you here.
563
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,861
Good, because I don't want to
have sex with you here, either.
564
00:19:56,886 --> 00:19:59,774
Eileen, those signs,
they weren't plagues.
565
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:00,966
They were miracles,
566
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:03,435
because they stopped us
from making our first time
567
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:04,836
something not special.
568
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,744
We were trying to do it
in all the wrong places.
569
00:20:07,769 --> 00:20:10,509
Yeah, I guess I really
would have regretted it
570
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,110
if we had had sex in your office
571
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,478
five feet from my kid's homeroom.
572
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:17,416
Yeah, or your living
room or your marital bed.
573
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:19,854
God wasn't saying, "Shame on you."
574
00:20:19,879 --> 00:20:21,820
He was saying, "Get a room."
575
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,639
In fact, he said...
576
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:24,923
"Get a suite."
577
00:20:25,256 --> 00:20:26,265
[Gasps]
578
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,202
It's a Courtyard by Marriott.
579
00:20:29,438 --> 00:20:31,330
Please tell me it's
the one by the airport.
580
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,531
- You know it is.
- [Sighs]
581
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:35,334
We can watch the planes
take off all night long.
582
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,032
Again and again and again.
583
00:20:37,057 --> 00:20:39,265
Or just one solid takeoff.
584
00:20:39,290 --> 00:20:40,343
Okay.
585
00:20:41,344 --> 00:20:42,217
[Clears throat]
586
00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:43,375
We should get room service, eh?
587
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,828
Well, there is a
breakfast buffet included.
588
00:20:46,406 --> 00:20:47,922
Bye, Mom, I'm going to school.
589
00:20:48,266 --> 00:20:49,672
What is that on your arm?
590
00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:51,648
Thi... Nothing? [Chuckles]
591
00:20:51,673 --> 00:20:53,010
Come here.
592
00:20:58,485 --> 00:21:00,486
Is that a tuh-too?
593
00:21:00,554 --> 00:21:02,250
No, it's a freckle.
594
00:21:02,275 --> 00:21:03,998
I know every inch of your body,
595
00:21:04,023 --> 00:21:06,045
and you have never had a freckle there.
596
00:21:06,070 --> 00:21:07,093
Sunspot?
597
00:21:07,161 --> 00:21:09,595
You don't tan. You burn... in hell
598
00:21:09,663 --> 00:21:11,211
if you don't look at Mary
599
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:14,271
and tell me that that is fresh ink.
600
00:21:15,903 --> 00:21:17,470
- [Bells toll]
- Oh, God!
601
00:21:17,538 --> 00:21:20,206
She's always bigger than you remember.
602
00:21:20,256 --> 00:21:24,806
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