All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e06 The Real Fit.eng

See, now, this is exactly

what I want to do to the
garage before I move in.

Tiny house.

Shannon: I don't know.
It feels like they're using

an awfully wide-angle lens to make that

kitchenette/dining room/
hang zone feel roomy.

I'm with Dad. Tiny houses are awesome.

You know what we should build first?

- Hmm?
- A toilet desk.

Do your business while you're
doing... your business.

- [Chuckles]
- Okay.

That is just an incredibly...

space-efficient idea, Jimbo.

- Right?
- Huh?

But you have your SATs
in two weeks, okay?

And I don't want you
juxtaposing your time.

Ha! Nice try. I know that's not a word.

No, it is, but he used it wrong.

No one wins.

Oh, hey, housemate.

How was your hike with Clive?

A bird pooped on my shirt.

Just my luck.

Or it could be God's judgment
for you openly dating

our vice principal while you're
still living with your husband.

That's very funny, Shannon,
but it doesn't work like that.

I think.

Well, you're not gonna have to worry

about the "me living here"
part much longer,

because tomorrow,

I start converting the garage.

Dug out all my old tools. Ready to go.

Well, why don't you get
someone to help you,

you know, someone who's actually handy?

What do you mean? I'm handy.

I put together the bookc...

Oh, never mind.

Why don't you call your brother
Dwayne, have him drive down?

- [Gasps]
- I'm sure he'd love to help you.

Of course he would.

But then we'd all have to sit
and listen to his heroic tales

of how he's the greatest
fireman in the world.

Just call him.

Fine. I'll call him.

I'm surprised no one asked
me for my help.

[Chuckling] Okay.

- [Wobbling]
- Has to warm up.

- [Wobbling]
- Okay.

Maybe I just need to work
on my core strength first.

Let me see it.

Steady as a rock.

I could literally do this all day.

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --

Guess who's getting his booty
blasted at 4:00 p.m. today!

- There has to be a line, Kenny!
- No, no, no, no, no.

It's an exercise class I signed up for...

Booty Blast Cross Training.

But the instructor is a cutie.

You know, I've been
meaning to hit the gym.

Yeah. Not really liking
where this is going.

Oh, come on. It'd be fun
to take a class together.

No! You're just trying to jock-block me.

Absolutely not.

Is there anything so crazy

about me wanting to get in shape
and live a healthy lifestyle?

- Who wants candy?
- Me!

I've got extra, because, apparently,

some people thinks
it's creepy to push a few kids

on the swings to satisfy
your baby craving.

Some of those people are in this room.

- [Motorcycle approaches]
- Oh, no.

That's the sound of the
motorcycle I got married on.

What the hell is Dwayne doing here?

He's helping Pat build the tiny...

B-B-Bup! There's no time for answers.

I can't have him see me like this.

- Why? You look great.
- I know. That's the problem.

We've been divorced five years.

He still can't keep his hands off me.

I need something ugly.
Eileen, give me that scarf!

I just got this at Talbots. Wha...

Shannon, glasses!

Okay.

- Bad?
- Eh.

Has anybody seen my baby bro?

Because I cannot find him anywhere.

- Hi, Uncle Dwayne!
- Hi, Uncle Dwayne!

Hey! I think everybody's sick

of the old fireman carry bit, Dwayne.

- Nope.
- Scores every time.

[Grunts]

Patty's just jealous because
he's the only brother

that never became a fireman.

Wouldn't even take the test

because he couldn't stand
the heat, iterally.

Look, like I've told you,
Paul, Sean, Mark, and Brendan

a million times, I became a cop

because I wanted to save people
who weren't on fire.

Shannon, I see you're still
the smartest one here.

And I can't see anything.

Kenny, I understand you're
a homosexual now.

- Up top.
- Yeah.

Eileen, not yet divorced,

and already catting around
with another man?

Is that why you're glowing?

What?! No. It's just hot.

Shut up!

Then there was Jodi.

Jodi, Jodi, Jodi, Jodi, Jodi.

You look great.

You are pulling off that
sexy librarian thing.

These glasses are making me nauseous.

Okay. So, before we get crackin',

let me just walk you through
what I'm imagining here.

Is some of that blueprint
drawn in crayon?

Yeah.

Okay, so, I think the first
thing I want to tackle

is the kitchen/ library/breakfast nook.

And the rice cooker is in the shower.

Yeah. Steam serves two purposes.

How do I put this in a constructive way?

I hate everything about this idea.

Come on, Dwayne. Look, I know you're used

to being in charge, but do
me a favor on this one.

Let's pretend like this
project is a vehicle.

There's only one steering wheel.

In a fire truck, there's
two steering wheels.

Uncle Dwayne!

Did I miss the fireman's carry?

I could do it again.

I know how to use this thing.

Do you?

See, threatening each other with tools...

This is something we could all be doing,

if Dad wasn't making me study.

Hold on here, Patty.

Are you telling me you're
not into teaching your son

valuable life lessons while
you both work with your hands?

Of course I am.

If I hear the first chord of
"Cat's in the Cradle," I...

[Sighs] Damn it! I broke the seal!

Fine! For an hour, okay?

Until I can stop the waterworks.

[Paper slams]

Drink it. Drink that water.

Oh, God. You are thirsty, aren't ya?

Aunt Jodi. Whatcha doing?

[Sighs] Staring at Dwayne.

Why didn't it work out with you guys?

I get why it didn't work
out with Mom and Dad,

but you two clearly have chemistry.

Our chemistry's always
been off the charts,

ever since we locked eyes
at that Cranberries concert

and made love behind the merch stand.

Uh, so, why didn't it last?

Well, the T-shirt vendor had to come back

and restock the Larges.

Oh! You mean the relationship.

Yeah.

We wanted different things.

God. Look at him.

Even in winter, he's
wetting himself down.

Dwayne runs hot.

Yeah. I'm gonna split.

See, Kenny.

No one can tell that you're
wearing my sweatpants.

My soul can.

Ooh, they have a monthly unlimited plan.

You think we should just go ahead

and sign up for that right now?

Now way. They're always a rip-off.

Plus, we haven't even
seen what it's like yet.

[Chuckles] I'm pretty sure I
know what it's gonna be like.

- [Whistle blows]
- Josh: Hey, Blondie.

Mom Sweats! Get ready to hurt!

Stephanie: Aaaah!

Stephanie, for the love
of God, flip the tire!

This is not the gay I was promised.

This is probably just some stock photo

they found on the Internet.

[Hammering]

All right. Just finished the
frame for the full-size bed,

Uncle Dwayne.

Impressive work there, Jimbo.

Oh, whoa! Full-size bed? No.

We're gonna be lucky to
fit a standard twin

up in the sleeping loft.

I mean, I've been pricing large dog beds.

Patty, you're a big guy.
Maybe it's time to be realistic

about how much stuff you
can actually cram in there.

That's what your mom said last night.

[Laughs]

Oh, no. Your mom was Grandma.

Listen, I don't mind
living in small spaces.

I shared a room with Sean, Paul, Mark,
and Brendan for all those years,

and it wasn't so bad till
I outgrew the drawer.

[Sighs]

Maybe there's a way we
can save the library,

if you get cracking on some 9x9,
perfectly level support boxes.

Okay.

Oh, yeah! And then we can just
wall-mount the whole thing.

All right, fine. But you
need to get back upstairs and study.

But I just installed a bridging
joist next to a binding joist.

See, the kid is a genius.

Yeah. Spell "joist" for me?

- [Scoffs] G...
- Nope.

Damn it!

[Grunts]

Time!

[Breathing heavily]

Time-out. Time-out.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.

[Groans]

Wow.

I don't even know how to count that.

- Negative five reps?
- Not very attractive, is it?

You're one to talk, Eileen.
Your form's a mess!

[Breathing heavily]

I am so sorry I dragged you here.

We do not have to come back.

Are you kidding? I feel invigorated.

I feel like I could kill someone...

with my thighs.

I've never felt more alive.

I already told Josh we signed up
for the monthly unlimited plan.

Yay! Ohh!

[Grunting]

Okay. Drink up.

The faster you get it down,

the less you'll realize
it's mostly raw eggs.

[Sniffs] Ugh! Mom, it's been
four days straight.

My body is breaking down.

During thrusters yesterday,
I swear I had a vision

of an old, native American
man laughing at me.

Oh, that's just the janitor... David.

He's half Ojibwa. It's a great life story.

Can't we just take one day off?

No. That's what they
want us to do, Kenneth.

That's how those monthly
unlimited leaches

make their money.

But don't you have the
Ladies Auxiliary at church?

Well, they can eat pie without me.

This program is gonna make
us stronger, better people.

Remember, pain is temporary,
but quitting lasts forever.

Quitting last forever. Yeah, yeah.

We get the same
inspirational e-mail blasts.

Grab me a water bottle.

[Groaning]

Nope.

[Strains] Am I doing it?

Ugh. Forget it. I got it.

[Grunts]

You're a monster.

Chug that protein shake, Kenneth,

if you have the throat
muscles to get it down.

Shannon.

I'll pay you $5,000 if you
drink this right now.

[Gulping]

[Gasps]

Ah!

I did not see that coming.

I'll let you pay me in installments.

I can't keep doing this. Help me, sister!

I need a way out!

Well, Mom went with
you in the first place

to make sure you didn't
flirt with the instructor.

So, what if you did flirt with him?

- [Door opens]
- Then she'd make me quit.

- [Door closes]
- You're a genius. Thank you.

Dwayne, the whole point of you asking me

to get you guys lemonade is
that I bring it out to you.

You coming in here with me

is you getting yourself lemonade.

I just like watching you make it.

It's already made, with extra pulp

[whispering] just like you like it.

It's fortified with calcium
so you don't get osteoporosis.

I should get these outside.

Just as fun watching you go.

[Door opens]

Did you see that?

Two old people talking about lemonade?

Are you kidding? They're so electric.

Why does she keep running away from him?

It's like she won't let herself be happy.

Well, there's nothing we can
do about it now, right?

Oh, my God. I'm trying to
shrug right now,

and nothing's happening.

All right. I finished the
support boxes you asked for.

Now, can I finally come out here
and hang out with the big boys?

Uh, not quite, buddy.

Make like five more for
good measure, okay?

Oh, come on. Are you serious?

As a house on fire,
which I never joke about,

because I am a fireman.

[Bottle clatters]

What the hell?

You threw my boxes away?

Why did you just ask me to go make more?

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God.

It's "Rock" all over again, isn't it?

- What's "Rock"?
- It's a game that he and Sean

and Paul and Mark and
Brendan used to play,

where they'd have me go sit in
my room and pretend to be a rock.

Then they'd do the same in their room,

and the first person to
stop being a rock lost.

Well, did you win?

Could you be a rock the longest?

No, Jimmy! No!

It was a trick that my
brothers played on me

so they could go hang out
without me tagging along.

And Jimmy isn't even
supposed to be out here.

He hasn't studied all week
'cause he's been working with you!

He's great at this. He's actually
better than you.

Look, I didn't even want
you to come here.

But then you show up and
you start parenting my kid!

That is one thing you definitely
don't know everything about!

Jimmy, get upstairs and start studying.

Dwayne, I don't care what you do.

Did you anchor the hinges yet?

Nope.

Damn it.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, Pat had a hissy fit,

and then Shannon wanted
me to come up here

and fix her smoke detector.

- Why are you here?
- She texted me

she finally wants to hear my
"Shark Tank" idea.

Well, the weird thing is,

there's nothing wrong with that battery.

But I'll hear your idea.

I don't know if I could...

Hi, Sharks.

Have you ever wanted to brew

a fresh pot of coffee while driving?

Then you're gonna love
the "Car-brew-ater."

[Door closes, locks]

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

Kenny: Shannon was right.

The only way I was going
to get my mom to drop

Booty Blast Cross Training
was to use the booty.

Hey, Josh... shua.

Hope these compression
tights aren't too extreme.

I just like my sport fabric breathable,

if you know what I mean.

I don't, but your shirt's on backwards.

[Grunting]

Hey, Josh, think you could spot me?

Johnson!

Don't help him too much, Karen.

I'm pretty sure this is
how Batman does it.

[Chuckles]

[Grunts] Okay. Okay.

Aah! Mom. Mom!

Mommy!

[Spoon clinking]

Out so soon?

You locked us in there
for an hour, Shannon!

You may not approve of my methods,

but I'm sure you'll find the
outcome to be satisfactory.

You can't expect that by
locking me and Uncle Dwayne

in the the same room,
we're gonna instantly make out.

I mean, that's what happened,
but you can't expect it.

- So, it worked?
- For a few minutes.

Until the Spotify commercial came on,

and I snapped out of it.

Dad is so cheap.

Why didn't he spring for Premium?

Hey, hey, that's not the point.

Of course it is.

You and Uncle Dwayne just
needed a little push.

It's so clear you're meant to be together.

He didn't want to have
kids with me, Shannon.

What?

That's why we broke up.

He didn't see me as mom material.

Wow. Um, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Of course you didn't. You're just a kid.

Look, you're very smart for your age.

The fact that you set up my 401k

and you talked me out of that
nose ring, that means a lot.

But... there's some things
you got to learn

just by living.

All you think I can do is build
useless support boxes, huh?

Behold...

the sleeping loft.

No fancy fireman's pole,
just a simple cop ladder,

built by a cop, for a cop...

because a cop.

You okay, Dad?
You seem a little out of it.

Well, I'm working on
very little sleep, buddy.

So, thanks for your help,
but I didn't need it.

Hold up, Patty.
Let's see this puppy in action.

Try it out for us.

No, no. I-I just put a tarp up there,

and I haven't painted it yet, so...

Yeah. You don't trust it, do you?

Of course I trust it. I'm a cop.

Well, then climb up
there and show it off.

You know what?

I am closer, and I'm lighter,

so I will give the loft a test myself.

No, son! Stand down.

If anyone's going up there...

it's gonna be me.

Step aside.

[Sighing] Okay.

Here I go. Up the ladder.

[Wood creaking]

[Chuckles uneasily]

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

How do you like me now, mo...

Aah! [Grunting]

I've never been so excited

to go to Sunday Mass, because today,

it happens to conflict with
a certain exercise class

my mom is addicted to.

Um, why are you wearing
high-performance leggings to church?

Didn't you get the e-mail blast?

We have a buns-only class at 11:00.

But, Mom, this is Mass.

I don't think I've ever
seen you miss Mass.

What can I say, Kenny?

I'm committed to the Cross...
Training... schedule.

Oh, my God. This place
is your new church.

It's not a church. It's a lifestyle.

That was also in the e-mail blast.

I'm serious!

The sayings you're always repeating,

the getting yelled at by judgy men,

and you've been avoiding church.

This... This Cross Training
is your new religion.

What?! Now, that is just crazy talk.

Now, hand me my book,
or I'm gonna be late.

Oh, you mean "The 10
Commandments of Kettle Bells"?

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

I can't believe you built a platform

with one sheet of particle board.

[Scoffs]

Why wouldn't you just
let me help you, Dad?

Uh, you know why.

That's the thing. I suck at the SATs.

Like, analogies, I'm like a baby

and they're... robots?

I can't do analogies!

And I'm good at building
stuff, and I like it.

Is it so wrong to want to
do something that I like?

No, of course not.

I just want you to know what
all your options are first.

I get it! You want me to go to college!

That's why you bought me this
stupid "DartMouth" shirt!

Oh, who are we kidding?

That kid's never getting into DartMouth.

- [Door closes]
- Nope.

Hey, I can make fun of him.
I'm his dad. You can't.

And let me tell you something else.

The reason I want Jimmy to go to college

is so he can be successful

and not have to live in
a tiny house like me.

I know you're perfect at everything,

and your life is so amazing,

but, you know,
it's not that easy for the rest of us.

I am not perfect.

I just follow in the footsteps

of Paul, Sean, Mark, and Brendan.

You took a risk.
I only do things that I'm good at.

If anything seems like a challenge,

I take the easy way out.

It's why I wanted to dumb
down your tiny house design.

I don't know how to cantilever a loft.

Obviously, I don't, either.

Yeah, but you tried. Look at you.

You raised a family.

I don't have the courage to do that.

Jodi would be... a great mom.

The reason that we split

is because I was scared
that I would suck as a dad.

I didn't know that.

Hey, Dad, it's time for church.

Oh, hey, Shannon. I didn't see you
standing there in the kitchen.

I thought this was the library.

It is.

Oh, Lord.

Is that sinner's mix?

I hope you enjoyed that carob chip.

I just snuck a couple of handfuls

just to keep my energy up.

And what else?

Yesterday, I drank a Yoo-hoo in my car...

...through a Twizzler.

Okay, let's see.

Give me 30 box jumps,

20 burpies, and 10 clean and jerks.

Then we'll call it even.

It's like penance.

Walk in strong!

Together: Crawl out stronger!

Oh, my Josh.

I mean, gosh. Kenny was right.

Okay, it's not that unusual.

- [Sighs]
- I'm here to spring you out.

What's going on, Mom?

I don't know.

I'm not feeling like the
greatest Catholic lately.

Why? 'Cause you're dating VP Murray?

And my divorce isn't final yet.

Church just doesn't feel right to me.

I feel like a hypocrite.

I guess I threw myself into this

because I thought it'd
give me all the structure

and community without all the guilt.

You know, kind of like Diet Catholicism.

Hmm.

But the guilt came with me anyway.

And so what if you're not
the Catholic you used to be?

Things change,
but God still shows up for you.

Trust me.

[Church organ plays]

[Sighs]

Your clothes are literally
falling off your body.

You need a carb, girl.

I'll sneak you a sleeve of the
body of Christ on the way out.

Now, that's terrible, Kenny.

Grab two.

[Sighs]

So, listen, buddy.

I've been thinking.

If you really don't want
to take the SATs,

I'm not gonna force you.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

I've been busting my butt for that test.

Of course I'm gonna take it.

I might even decimate it.

Sounds right to me.

Hey. I'm sorry I trapped you
and Uncle Dwayne together.

And I'm sorry you think the
Cranberries are an aphrodisiac,

but you should know you're not the reason

Uncle Dwayne didn't want to have kids.

He did think of you as a mom.

He just didn't think of himself as a dad.

You're gonna be an awesome mom one day.

I know I will.

But until then,
I'll go to the park with you.

You'll be my fake kid?

A girl still likes to get pushed

on the swings every now and then.

[Gasps]

Wow, Mom, you're really making up

for lost time, aren't ya?

No. My quads are just too sore to get up.

[Whispering] Gotcha. A little help here.

Aah-ah-ah-ah!

Sorry.

Huh?

- Very nice.
- Looks great, Dad.

Yeah. I like what you've done with it.

Thank you very much.

And last but not least...

toilet desk.

Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

I was just writing my novel.

Glad to see you're finally
using the toilet for good.

Well, shall we retire to the dining room?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

But I'm skipping the shower rice.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait. How does this...

Oh, you'll get it.

Is this push or pull?

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