All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e04 The Real Move.eng

Voil?.

Meat ? la Murray.

Kenny: Since my mom is now

officially dating Vice Principal Murray,

she thought it would be a great idea

to invite him over for a
get-to-know-you dinner.

I don't know exactly
what she's expecting.

_

[Laughter]

Hey, no running, champ,

and spit out that gum, princess.

Detention for both you rascals.

Aw, nuts!

Oh. Thanks, poodle.

Oh, did you want one, too?

[Both laugh]

Hey there, twink.

Tell me about all the
cute boys at school.

[Laughs]

I love ya, Vice Principal Daddy.

[Applause]

Where are my tongs?
The long tongs? Whup...

that's a tong-twister.

I'll help you find them.

[Laughs]

Is Mom choking?

I think that's the sound that
she makes when she laughs.

Chilling.

I don't like him wearing Dad's apron.

Vice Principal Murray is
not the world's greatest dad.

He's not ever the world's
greatest vice principal.

I bet his ribs suck, too.

Damn it.

[Sighs] They're delicious.

Okay, you guys, I need
us to be supportive.

I someday want to bring a
boy home to meet the family,

so I need to smooth the way with Mom.

Not everything is about
you being gay, Kenny.

I know.

But it does seem to come up a lot.

Yes, exactly, Shannon.

I think we should all

be supportive of family
members with new lovers

regardless of occupation
and/or gender of said lovers.

Oh, hey, Lionel Richie,

stop saying "lovers"
at the dinner table.

Yes, no one here is a lover.

Are you enjoying that apron, VP Murray?

Would you like me to also get
you a pair of my dad's underwear

so you can wear those, too?

Oh, no, thank you, Jimmy.

I would like to propose a toast.

To going from vice princi-pal
to vice princi-friend.

- Pat: What the?
- Dad.

- Clive: Pat?
- Shannon: Dad?

[Spits]

How did that get in my mouth?!

Pat, I... I thought you were
going to the gym after your shift.

Yeah, I was, but the
elevator was broken,

so I took it as a sign.

Clive: Hi, Pat. [Chuckles]

Oh, wow, look at that gun.

It is... do... Is it loaded?

Here, um, uh, take my seat.

Or you could just sit on my lap.

Why did I say that?

Because I'm just so nervous.

[Laughs]

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

[Sighs]

Clive ended up eating
dinner on the floor.

I don't even want to know why,

but he actually seemed
pretty comfortable down there.

Anyway, it's time for us to do

what regular people do
when they get divorced.

Take classes at the learning annex

about knitting through your anger.

Of course not.

You know how I feel
about adult education.

No, I mean live in separate places.

Pat's looking at apartments today.

Oh, Eileen, that is not gonna be cheap.

Well, we're just gonna have
to buckle down, you know?

I'm making the kids have a yard sale.

And I'm gonna have to get a job.

I've been holding out
for something perfect,

but I think I'm just gonna
have to bite the bullet

- and take something terrible.
- [Gasps]

This is great.

I have something terrible.

We need a receptionist at the salon.

I was imagining more of
an office thing, you know?

I have this "Working Girl" fantasy.

I've always wanted to
wear sneakers with a suit.

You can wear whatever you want.

I once wore pajamas, and
they weren't even mine.

Knock, knock. [Sighs]

Clive. [Laughs]

How fun of you to pop by.

Even though we've talked about you

never, ever doing that.

But, um [clears throat]

I'm actually going to
the salon with Jodi.

You are? Yay!

- Work wives.
- Yeah.

Anyway, thanks for the...

Oh, these are for Pat.

I'm here to apologize
to him for last night.

So, you're bringing him chocolates.

I know. It's a little weird.

But the flower shop wasn't open yet.

[Sighs]

God help me, he turns me on.

Hey, buddy.

I, um, dry-cleaned your apron.

- You didn't need to do that.
- I did.

I couldn't sleep all night.

Look, I know what it looked like,

but I swear I'm not trying
to replace you. I mean,

how could I? You're a cop,

You got super-thick hair,

and you're like some kind of a man lion.

I've been told I have leonine
features before, Clive.

Of course you have.

Um, there's a mix CD in
the bag with the apron.

Well, I'm kind of busy right now,

so if you don't mind.

Look, Pat, um...

If you want me to go, I will.

Just tell me what we had wasn't real.

Well, that depends.

Are those, uh, caramel sea salt?

You know they are.

[Sighs]

Oh, damn you, Clive.

I can't shut you out.

- It's like lopping off my own arm.
- [Laughs]

Get over here, buddy. [Laughs]

- Oh, thank God.
- [Laughs]

- Whoo-hoo.
- Hey.

- Thanks for the hair compliment.
- Oh, no, of course.

And I am sorry about last night.

I would've had dinner with
Eileen and the kids at my place,

but Mother won't let me have guests.

Ah, that's okay. I get it.

We've both been displaced by divorce.

Things aren't that
great down here either.

Ah, I understand.

We both live in the basements

- of strong, handsome women.
- Mm-hmm.

But not for long.

Want to go with me to look
at a new place today, buddy?

Um, yeah.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah.

- I'll be your apartment wingman.
- Yeah!

- All right.
- Yeah. All right.

Oh, that's great 'cause I
cannot wait to get out of here.

I mean, those jock
straps aren't even mine.

I was wondering.

Oh, man, look at all this
stuff from when I was young.

My Richard Simmons
VHS, my calligraphy set.

Oh, my God, you guys, my Easy-Bake Oven.

[Laughs]

Honestly, why did I
even have to come out?

Kenny, not everything
is about you being gay.

Geez, not lately.

We have to focus.

There's gold in this garage.

Some idiot hipster

will want to use this
boombox as a purse.

What is wrong with you two?

Am I the only one who's
sad that Dad's moving out?

Well, yeah, it sucks,

but it's not really a surprise.

We've known this is
coming for, like, a year.

Yeah, but with him
leaving and Mom dating,

it's gonna be a lot harder
for them to get back together.

Interesting.

- Shannon, a word.
- Please.

How could he still think
that's a possibility?

Clearly, he's in denial.

We're gonna have to set him straight.

Yeah, but we have to be gentle.

He's not as emotionally
intelligent as we are.

[Rattling]

Damn it!

Aah!

This game is impossible.

Yeah.

Emotionally intelligent.

[Hair dryer blowing]

Basically, you just need
to answer the phones,

greet the customers, make appointments,

- that sort of thing.
- Not a problem.

Can't be any harder than
keeping Jimmy alive for 17 years.

Okay, you knock 'em dead.

I got to get back to my client

and figure out how to make

a party in the front
and business in the back.

[Telephone rings]

Oh.

Hello. Covington's Curl...

- [Ringing continues]
- Mm. Hello?

Um, hello?

Hello?

Oh.

[Ringing continues, phone beeps]

Covington's Curls. Please hold.

- Thank you.
- I'm Steve, the colorist.

And that's the first and last time ever

that I do your job.

I am not Steve the receptionist.

He was fired for stealing petty cash.

[Bell jingles]

Hello.

Let me guess... you're
here for an eyebrow wax.

I came to pick up some shampoo.

For your eyebrows?

Uh, that was a... that was a joke.

Uh, why don't you just
take this shampoo and go.

[Pop music plays]

[Bell jingles]

Hey, big guy.

You maybe want to talk about

how in the world you thought Mom and Dad

would ever get back together?

It's simple.

Dad lives in the basement.

And eventually, basements flood,

and when it does, Mom will
go down to check on Dad.

she'll slip and go under.

Dad'll dive in to save her.

He'll carry her upstairs and boom...

they rekindle their love for each other.

That was specific.

And ridiculous.

Mom is entering the workforce.

She'll discover a buried
talent for business,

cash out, and move to Tuscany
as a freelance expat blogger.

Sure, sometimes when she's
standing on the villa terrace,

her mind will fleetingly turn to Dad.

But she knows he's content

with his life on the ranch in Montana.

Jimmy: Oh, man.

I think you might be right

about them not getting back together.

Look at this.

Yeesh.

That's the one they framed?

They look as scared as
Kenny does at the lake.

'Cause it's cold and dirty,

and I can feel the fish on my feet.

I knew Mom and Dad got
married because of me,

but I always thought that
they would've done it anyways

'cause they loved each other.

Look at them... they were never happy.

If it wasn't for me, Mom
could have been an astronaut.

And Dad could have been married
to a different astronaut.

Why don't you just ask Mom and Dad

if they would've gotten married anyway?

Because they'll just tell me
what they think I want to hear.

Mm.

Like when they told us that our turtle

- went to live with its family in the woods.
- [Chuckles]

Exactly.

- Except this will be a lie.
- Right.

Well, you know, Father
Bernard is now at St. Leopold.

We could go ask him.

That's a great idea.

Plus, St. Leopold is where
Dad says my hamster lives.

I just don't trust him by himself.

[Bell jingles]

Lunch.

Thank God. I'm famished.

Oh, Eileen, you're amazing.

It took the old receptionist

three times as long
to get the orders in.

Of course she also had a
neck tattoo and chewed foil.

ll, I'll let you in my secret.

I always ignore special requests.

If I indulge all of my kids' pickiness,

I'd never get anything done.

Besides gluten allergy is not a thing.

[Coughs]

[Strained] Gluten.

Nice try, drama queen.

I got one of you at home.

[Laughs] [Thud]

Oh, no. He's really swelling up.

This place has got to be
better than the last one.

Who puts carpet in the bathroom?

That place was haunted.
I felt a presence.

Mother always said I had a gift.

Excuse me.

Hi.

How you doing? I'm Pat.

Called earlier about the
furnished two-bedroom.

I'm Marco. Welcome to the Hazelwood.

First off, I want you fellas to know

that here at the 'Wood,

we are very inclusive of
alternative relationships.

Oh, no. [Chuckles]

This is just for me.

Oh, yeah, we're not a couple.

- I'm just dating his wife.
- Yeah.

The devil's threesome.

I love it.

Most of the guys here are
divorced, too, like myself.

I'm not just the building manager.

- I'm also a tenant.
- Oh.

Hey, Sam.

Sam: Hey, guys.

Divorce beers by the pool.

What makes them divorce beers?

'Cause we can drink
them whenever we want.

- Ah!
- Yeah!

Come on, guys. Let's check it out.

Pat, this place comes with
furniture and friends.

I could use a beer.

[Groans]

So, were you trying to murder me?

Or are you just grossly incompetent?

If I wanted you dead,

I would've been a lot slower
with the EpiPen, Steve.

- [Bell jingles]
- Okay.

Well, I just got to the salon,

so I'll call you back later.

- Oh.
- Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, oh, Jodi.

Um, thank you so much for your services.

I... I'll be paying now
and going to my home.

Eileen, no, you have to help Nancy.

You're already on thin ice
with Steve, the colorist.

I can hear you.

And since I'm incapacitated,
you have to wash her hair.

[Exhales sharply]

[Sighs]

Eileen.

Hello, Nancy.

I haven't seen you since the book club.

Oh, my gosh, do you work here?

[Chuckles] I had no idea.

I feel so weird about you serving me.

Well, there's no reason
to feel weird, Nancy.

It's... it's my job.

And she's terrible at it.

Oh. [Laughs]

Steve.

Girlfriend.

Stop it.

[Laughs] Yeah.

So, uh, we were wondering

if maybe you remember

what our parents' wedding day was like.

Were they happy?

Oh, I remember like it was yesterday.

Your parents were so in love,
they were practically glowing.

Oh! Pat and Eileen.

Yeah, I was thinking of Matt and Irene.

Well, what do you remember
about our parents' wedding?

Oh, my, uh, uh,

who... who can remember such things?

I'm an old man.

Father, let's not
waste each other's time.

All right.

You're obviously not children anymore,

so I'll be honest.

It was a dark day... dark.

I've never seen two young
people so not in love.

I knew it. I ruined their lives.

I'm a homewrecker. No, wrong
use of that term, Jimmy.

But look, Father, I'm
sure maybe it started out

as a shotgun situation.

But they had two other kids,

- so something must have gone right.
- Ah, yes.

After Jimmy was born,

Pat and Eileen came to me for counseling

because they were
unhappy in their marriage.

So I told them to have another child

because children bring joy.

And that was you, Kenny.

So I'm a Band-Aid baby?

Not a very effective one.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, I'm just joshing you, son.

But no, you didn't help.

So they came back to me again,

and I told them the same thing.

And nine months later,
little Shannon was born.

And like I told them, the
third time was the charm.

Well, actually they're
getting a divorce.

Well, I tried.

So Mom and Dad were never really happy.

And having us just
prolonged their misery.

Ha. We were all mistakes.

Burn!

Wait.

Now, now, God doesn't make mistakes.

Sure.

Except homosexuality, right?

Not everything's about
you being gay, son.

I know... I keep trying to,
like, wedge it in there, but...

Uh, it's a little chilly for a luau, no?

Ah, it's always summer somewhere.

- Well, that is true.
- Yeah.

- Like, below the equator, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

The changes in latitude
is changes in attitude.

[Laughs] I like this guy.

- You are fun.
- Oh, thanks, man.

Would you like a passion
fruit margarita, Clive?

Mm, I would not like one, Graham.

I would love one.

[Laughter]

But, uh, I do think my kids

are gonna love that pool next summer.

Man, I haven't seen my kids in weeks.

Marco: Oh, yeah, it's been a while

since I've seen little Marco.

But you know, everybody gets busy.

And time flies here, man.

I mean, I moved in as a temporary thing,

and that was three years ago.

Tell me about it.

I blinked. I was hear eight years.

Eight years?

Carl's been here more than a decade.

Just till I save enough
to buy that mobile home.

Damn double alimony.

[Chuckles]

But we're living the life, man.

I haven't even told you
about our holiday spreads yet.

We do a decent turkey
dinner on Thanksgiving.

Serve it up in the gym.
It's all family style.

Well, I won't need the
family-style Thanksgiving.

I, uh, plan on celebrating
with my actual family.

[Laughter]

[All sigh]

Whoa, Nelly! Those shirts are da bomb.

Looks like you're wearing a jungle.

[Laughs]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah, ah.

[Laughter]

Nancy: I just think you are so brave,

- what you're doing.
- [Chuckles]

I can't imagine being single again.

Starting a whole new life and career.

And at your age?

Well, I can't imagine
having such a lumpy skull.

You better hope you don't get alopecia

'cause you would look really weird bald.

I only came in today

because Dan and I are
going out to dinner tonight

for our 10-year annivers...

Oops. I'm so sorry.

I... I'm sure that you
don't want to hear about

other people's happy marriages.

- All done.
- Ow.

- [Cellphone rings]
- Happy anniversary.

[Ringing continues]

Hello.

[Dance music plays]

Eileen, thank God.

You have to come and get me
from the Hazelwood. I'm in hell.

Ditto. I'll be there in 20.

Nancy: It burns.

Well, thanks again for coming to get me.

I tell you.

It was starting to get a
little crazy over there.

Clive was drunk texting his mother.

Mm, I don't think his sinewy body

- knows how to properly metabolize alcohol.
- No.

Anyway, I'm just glad
to get out of that salon.

- Oh, I see.
- So we both had crappy days?

Yeah.

Let's just stay in and have
a quiet night with the kids.

Yes, please.

Jimmy: Love is a lie.
Everything must go!

Our pain is your gain.

Shannon: What's your fancy?

I've got newborn footprints in clay,

a first-place trophy from
St. Barklay's family fun run,

and a very nice jar of baby teeth.

You have excellent taste.

Get out of here.

Thanks a lot, Mom. I
had him on the hook.

This 18-year-old photograph

is the reason why you're purging

all of our cherished family memories?

It's not just the photo.

We know you guys were
never happy together.

And then having us ruined your lives.

Wait, hang on a second.

That is not true, okay?

You guys didn't ruin our lives.

You're the best part of them.

Really?

Because Father Bernard
said you only had us

to try to save your doomed marriage.

Oh, please, what does he know?

- We saw that priest like 3 times in 18 years...
- [Scoffs]

- and he always called us Matt and Irene.
- [Chuckles]

Look, just because
our marriage has ended,

doesn't mean that we
regret that it happened.

If we could do it all
over again, we would.

- That's right.
- In heartbeat.

Really?

Yes.

Swear on this.

I swear on...

"Chicken Soup for the
Scrapbooker's Soul."

You three kids are the best
thing that ever happened to us.

Yes, samesies.

You kids, Mike Ditka,
pineapple on a pizza.

And no matter what, we're
always gonna be a family.

- Nothing will ever change that.
- That's right.

It's so funny.

We're happier at the end of our marriage

than we were at the very beginning.

[Laughs] Yeah.

It's too bad there's not a ceremony

where we get all dressed
up and celebrate that.

Yeah.

That would be weird.

- Hm.
- [Laughs]

["Heart and Soul" playing]

You know, not a lot of women can say

they're 30 pounds lighter

than they were on their wedding day.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles] Thank you.

- Very good, son.
- Thank you.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the divorce
of Eileen and Pat O'Neal.

Who gives this woman away?

I do.

And I give this man away.

Kenny: All right, Mom and Dad,

is there anything you'd
like to say to each other?

[Clears throat]

Pat, there are so many great things

that have come out of our marriage.

But we've known for a long time

that we just didn't work as a couple.

- And that's okay.
- That's right.

- Yeah. We got together way too fast.
- Yeah.

The only thing we really had in common

was a love of Foreigner.

Yeah, God, how great is Foreigner?

- They're so great.
- [Sighs]

Well, from this day forward,

I promise never again

to bother you with my wet towels...

- [Sighs]
- ... or sleep apnea.

And I promise that you'll
never have to see my bite guard

left out on the nightstand

or wash the dishes

before putting them in
the dishwasher ever again.

And I vow to see you kids all the time.

Like a lot.

Seriously, you're gonna
get really sick of me.

And I vow to continue
making family meals,

possibly taking into consideration

your special food requests.

Apparently gluten
allergy is a real thing.

Well, if anyone objects to this divorce,

please speak now or
forever hold your piece.

- I'm good.
- Me too.

Jimmy: [Sobs]

These are tears of joy.

I used to be in there.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Okay.

- Well, can we all join hands?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Do we O'Neals take each
other for better, for worse,

in sickness, and in health,

regardless of new lovers

or different geographical locations

for the rest of our lives?

All: We do.

Well, then, by the power vested in me

by the Little Saviors Winter Bible Camp,

I now pronounce us a committed family.

We may now take a family selfie.

Hey.

Here, I got the long arms.

- Selfie cam.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Everybody lean in.

- Get in there.
- Here we go.

A smiling or silly face?

Here we go, smiling.
Yeah, Smiling. Smiling.

Ready, one, two, three.

- [Camera shutter clicks]
- I have to say,

of all the pictures this
family has ever taken,

this one is the best.

Mm. Boy, getting Kenny
that Easy-Bake Oven

is definitely the best decision
we ever made as parents.

Yep, it's true.

- He's still got it.
- Yeah.

- [Sighs]
- [Sighs]

Boy, starting that new job

was a lot harder than I expected.

- Oh, yeah?
- It was really humbling.

I was terrible at everything.

- That doesn't sound like you.
- I know.

I'm never humble because I'm
always excellent at everything.

[Cellphone chimes]

Ha ha. Look at that.

Clive signed a two-year
lease at the Hazelwood.

He loved it there.

It's just not for me, though.

I don't want to eat
turkey on a elliptical.

- You know what?
- Hmm?

This garage is actually pretty big

- without all that crap in it.
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't we fix it up?

And you can move in here.

We'd each have our own separate spaces.

I like it.

Plus, if we don't need the
money for another apartment,

you can quit the job at the salon.

Oh, I'm not quitting.

I never quit anything in my life.

I'm not about to start now.

No, it's just new, is all.

- I'm a quick study.
- Oh, yes, this is true.

That's why you were

banned from casino night at the church.

Counting cards is not cheating.

Father Phil is a crybaby.

I'd say it to his face.

Oh, no, you did. That's why he cried.

[Laughs]

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