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1
00:00:06,470 --> 00:00:07,550
So you're telling me
2
00:00:07,610 --> 00:00:10,300
I can't get any pancakes at this IHOP?
3
00:00:10,340 --> 00:00:11,940
It's not the place you're thinking of.
4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,740
This is the Inter-dimensional
Hole of Pancakes.
5
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,830
It's the crossroads of all dimensions...
6
00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:20,240
like Grand Central Station
but for space and time.
7
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:21,820
If you eat anything in this IHOP,
8
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,320
you will literally explode.
9
00:00:23,350 --> 00:00:26,520
Yeah, I know. It's IHOP.
10
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,360
Why are we meeting there?
11
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:30,580
The Judge's powers
are limited in the IHOP,
12
00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,780
so she can't just retire me on the spot.
13
00:00:32,810 --> 00:00:35,280
And I believe that when
she hears what I've discovered
14
00:00:35,310 --> 00:00:37,550
about the points system,
she'll take our side.
15
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,480
If not, then we'll jump through a portal
16
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:40,750
to another dimension,
17
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,650
hope our molecules don't liquefy,
18
00:00:42,690 --> 00:00:44,070
and regroup from there.
19
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,420
Excuse me.
20
00:00:45,450 --> 00:00:47,250
Okay.
21
00:00:47,290 --> 00:00:49,190
Now watch your step.
22
00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:50,960
Hey, so...
23
00:00:50,990 --> 00:00:52,760
Yeah, so...
24
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,430
I don't want to go in there.
25
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:55,890
I get that. Come here.
26
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,360
Here are your options.
27
00:00:58,400 --> 00:00:59,530
Option number one...
28
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:01,570
[screams]
29
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,670
Cruel but necessary.
30
00:01:07,020 --> 00:01:10,690
[screams]
31
00:01:10,730 --> 00:01:12,390
Oh, look at this.
32
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,550
They added a tenth dimension.
33
00:01:14,580 --> 00:01:16,710
- [all yelping]
- [laughing]
34
00:01:16,730 --> 00:01:18,790
Boy. Permits must have been a headache.
35
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,380
It looks like we're inside
36
00:01:20,420 --> 00:01:23,040
a Diane Von Furstenburg pattern...
37
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:26,190
from spring 2013!
38
00:01:26,210 --> 00:01:28,610
Okay, everyone, just be cool.
39
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,610
I know exactly what's going on.
40
00:01:30,650 --> 00:01:33,510
We all smoked too much salvia.
41
00:01:33,550 --> 00:01:36,360
We got to ride this out
for about two, three minutes,
42
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:38,790
and then we'll be back
in Pillboi's broken hot tub,
43
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:40,960
and this will all be over.
44
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:46,080
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
45
00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:47,860
♪ ♪
46
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:50,400
Hey, is... is this a good time to talk?
47
00:01:50,430 --> 00:01:52,470
Well, there's no time like the present.
48
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:56,200
And here there's neither
"no time" nor "the present."
49
00:01:56,230 --> 00:01:58,380
[giggles] Go ahead.
50
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:00,840
So you know how me
and you used to be married
51
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,420
when I was dead before?
52
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:03,820
Mm-hmm.
53
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,110
I think I'm starting to catch
feelings again for you.
54
00:02:07,150 --> 00:02:08,260
Mm-hmm.
55
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,450
And if I don't double-die in this IHOP
56
00:02:10,490 --> 00:02:15,120
and the Judge lady doesn't
turn you into a marble...
57
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,320
do you want to try being
boyfriend-girlfriend?
58
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,120
I'm not a girl.
59
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,040
But, yes, I'd very much like
to go on a date with you
60
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,490
somewhere sometime,
61
00:02:23,530 --> 00:02:26,300
as opposed to here, which is
nowhere at all the times.
62
00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:28,670
- [both chuckle]
- You get it?
63
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:29,800
Yeah.
64
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,240
Hey!
65
00:02:31,270 --> 00:02:32,740
Butthead!
66
00:02:32,770 --> 00:02:34,570
You lie to my face,
67
00:02:34,610 --> 00:02:37,240
disrespect my orders,
68
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,310
steal the only key to Earth,
69
00:02:39,350 --> 00:02:42,720
meddle with an already
compromised timeline,
70
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:46,450
kidnap the humans into a Janets' void,
71
00:02:46,490 --> 00:02:50,420
and now demand a meeting
in the freakin' IHOP?
72
00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:51,920
I hate this place!
73
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,260
I wouldn't have asked for a meet
74
00:02:53,290 --> 00:02:54,860
if it weren't vitally important.
75
00:02:54,890 --> 00:02:57,160
And I promise, no more rule-breaking.
76
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,830
[mockingly] Oh, yeah, really? Cool.
77
00:02:58,870 --> 00:03:00,770
'Cause it kind of looks like
78
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,170
you stole a book from Accounting!
79
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,610
No more rule-breaking starting now.
80
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,170
Ugh.
81
00:03:09,210 --> 00:03:10,940
Hello, Chidi.
82
00:03:10,970 --> 00:03:12,780
That is a great look for you.
83
00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:14,810
If things don't work out here
with old Blondie,
84
00:03:14,850 --> 00:03:17,550
you know who to call... this bitch.
85
00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:19,450
Sorry.
86
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:20,820
What is on me right now?
87
00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:22,940
Oops. Where'd you come from,
little buddy?
88
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,390
No, don't touch it!
89
00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:26,620
Tahani, do not touch the Neednoggle.
90
00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:28,390
- What?
- Bad.
91
00:03:28,430 --> 00:03:30,460
This is all bad.
92
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:33,200
[scoffs] Humans are such whiners.
93
00:03:33,230 --> 00:03:35,800
Here, hot pants,
let me take care of it for you.
94
00:03:35,830 --> 00:03:37,370
Help.
95
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,640
Ah.
96
00:03:38,670 --> 00:03:40,300
Ah.
97
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:43,640
Everybody, you're all
still standing in the IHOP.
98
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,310
The Judge simply augmented your reality
99
00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:48,860
to make you feel like
you're in a normal IHOP.
100
00:03:48,890 --> 00:03:49,890
Very smart.
101
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,070
Don't suck up to me, you suck-up.
102
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,660
This is far better.
103
00:03:53,690 --> 00:03:56,650
Instead of a slug creature,
I have a cute little scarf.
104
00:03:56,690 --> 00:03:58,150
- No! No!
- No, no, no! Don't touch it!
105
00:03:58,190 --> 00:04:00,560
Tahani, that's still the Neednoggle.
106
00:04:00,590 --> 00:04:04,160
The Judge just made it
look like a scarf.
107
00:04:04,250 --> 00:04:05,710
- Wonderful.
- All right.
108
00:04:05,750 --> 00:04:08,310
Why don't we all sit down
so I can fill the Judge in
109
00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:09,720
on what we've learned?
110
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,720
Your Honor, I once stood in front of you
111
00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:14,290
and said I thought there
was something wrong
112
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,340
with the points system.
113
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,460
I finally know what it is.
114
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:20,430
Life now is so complicated,
115
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:23,430
it's impossible for anyone
to be good enough
116
00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:24,900
for the Good Place.
117
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:26,800
I know you don't like to learn too much
118
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,430
about life on Earth to remain impartial,
119
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,900
but these days just buying a tomato
120
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,270
at a grocery store means that you are
121
00:04:34,310 --> 00:04:37,740
unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides,
122
00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:40,850
exploiting labor,
contributing to global warming.
123
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,420
Humans think that
they're making one choice,
124
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,450
but they're actually
making dozens of choices
125
00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:48,290
they don't even know they're making.
126
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:52,040
Your big revelation
is life is complicated?
127
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:53,530
That's not a revelation.
128
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,330
That's a divorced woman's throw pillow.
129
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,100
I mean, this guy chose this tomato.
130
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:00,670
Those are the consequences.
131
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,340
You don't want the consequences?
132
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,940
Do the research. Buy another tomato.
133
00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:06,680
What else you got?
134
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,020
Um...
135
00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:09,490
I'll tell you what else
136
00:05:09,530 --> 00:05:10,730
I got, uh...
137
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,630
I got this.
138
00:05:15,370 --> 00:05:16,500
Michael.
139
00:05:16,530 --> 00:05:18,330
What... what are you doing?
140
00:05:18,370 --> 00:05:19,730
The Backpack Kid dance.
141
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:20,950
- Why?
- I don't know.
142
00:05:20,990 --> 00:05:22,390
It makes people happy.
143
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:23,790
Is it helping?
144
00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:25,320
Can I say something?
145
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,980
Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
146
00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:29,790
Boring!
147
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,800
[grunts] I got this.
148
00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:33,440
I want to tell you about a guy
149
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,970
from my dance crew in Jacksonville
150
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,630
called Big Noodle.
151
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,070
Well, we gave it our best shot, guys.
152
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:39,109
It was nice knowing you.
153
00:05:39,110 --> 00:05:40,670
I used to yell at Big Noodle
154
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:43,470
'cause he always showed up
late to rehearsal.
155
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,540
Then one day, the swamp
under my house flooded.
156
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:47,980
I needed a place to crash,
157
00:05:48,010 --> 00:05:50,380
so I slept at Big Noodle's house.
158
00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:52,420
Turns out that he had
to juggle three jobs
159
00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:54,480
to take care of four grandparents
160
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,520
who all lived in the same bed
just like in "Willy Wonka."
161
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,360
I never yelled at Big Noodle
for being late after that
162
00:06:00,390 --> 00:06:03,060
'cause I knew how hard it was
for him to be there.
163
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:05,500
And he definitely
didn't have time to research
164
00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:07,060
what tomatoes to buy.
165
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,500
Even if he wanted to,
166
00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:11,000
possession of a non-fried vegetable
167
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,670
is a felony in Jacksonville.
168
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,570
The point is, you can't judge humans
169
00:06:15,610 --> 00:06:18,510
'cause you don't know
what we go through.
170
00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:22,510
Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right.
171
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,550
I didn't really understand people
172
00:06:24,580 --> 00:06:25,780
until I went to Earth.
173
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,950
Maybe you should give it a shot.
174
00:06:27,990 --> 00:06:30,020
If you still don't see things our way,
175
00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:31,720
then we'll drop it, and you can...
176
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,760
you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
177
00:06:39,970 --> 00:06:42,530
Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot.
178
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,700
I'll go down there.
See what you guys go through.
179
00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:47,700
And then one way or another,
180
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,710
this is going to end.
181
00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:51,540
Hey, do you guys know a good place
182
00:06:51,580 --> 00:06:52,880
where I can get Mexican food?
183
00:06:52,910 --> 00:06:54,880
Oh... [scoffs] Mexico.
184
00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:56,550
Duh. [chuckles]
185
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,080
- Whoa.
- [sighs]
186
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,120
How long will she be gone?
187
00:07:01,150 --> 00:07:02,420
No way to tell.
188
00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:03,620
Uh, my guess is...
189
00:07:03,650 --> 00:07:05,490
Oh, brother.
190
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,060
That was rough.
191
00:07:08,090 --> 00:07:09,760
- Right?
- Sheesh.
192
00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:12,160
Earth is a mess, y'all.
193
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,300
Woof!
194
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,460
Also, I guess I'm black?
195
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,170
And they do not like
black ladies down there.
196
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,070
Crap, y'all.
197
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,940
This is bad.
198
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,600
Where did you go, exactly?
199
00:07:24,630 --> 00:07:26,800
Tanzania, Paraguay,
200
00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:28,600
Vietnam, Denmark.
201
00:07:28,670 --> 00:07:30,170
It's terrible everywhere
202
00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:31,850
and always in a different way.
203
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:34,110
The only place I liked was Hawaii,
204
00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:35,610
although I barely left the resort.
205
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,280
The last place I went
was a Black Friday sale
206
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,320
at an outlet mall in Michigan.
207
00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:43,480
- Why?
- For the deals.
208
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,320
Earth stinks, y'all.
209
00:07:45,350 --> 00:07:47,520
It's hot, and it's crowded...
210
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,790
but somehow also cold and lonely.
211
00:07:50,830 --> 00:07:54,660
I thought it was going to be
so easy to make good decisions.
212
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,000
The first thing I did was I Googled
213
00:07:57,030 --> 00:07:59,230
"big, juicy natural tomatoes,"
214
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,230
which led me to a porn site
215
00:08:01,270 --> 00:08:05,070
that was for people
with a sunburn fetish or...
216
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,470
I kind of never recovered.
217
00:08:06,510 --> 00:08:08,340
Right. That's problem number one.
218
00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:11,140
Life is chaotic and messy
and unpredictable.
219
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:12,740
Problem number two...
220
00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:16,350
even if you do somehow manage
to make good decisions,
221
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:19,950
you still lose points because
of the unintended consequences.
222
00:08:19,990 --> 00:08:22,220
Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere.
223
00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:23,820
Like, there's this chicken sandwich
224
00:08:23,860 --> 00:08:26,230
that if you eat it,
it means you hate gay people.
225
00:08:26,260 --> 00:08:27,530
And it's delicious.
226
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,560
It is. It is so good.
227
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,200
And I essentially tried
to do what you suggested.
228
00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:34,200
I obsessed over every choice.
229
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,430
But that was also bad,
230
00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:38,040
and I still got sent to the Bad Place.
231
00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:39,680
So I'm problem number three.
232
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:42,440
Oh, no, you are
nobody's problem, sweetheart.
233
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,710
[sighs]
234
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:46,140
You know, we got to figure this out.
235
00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:49,940
And then Turtle makes a bet
with Ronda Rousey,
236
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,180
and if she loses, she has to...
237
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:53,050
Oh, come on.
238
00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:54,690
I was just in the middle of
torturing William Shakespeare
239
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,870
by describing the plot
to the "Entourage" movie.
240
00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:57,910
What is this?
241
00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:00,020
Some new information
has come to my attention,
242
00:09:00,050 --> 00:09:01,230
and I need a solution.
243
00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:03,380
I want the Bad Place
to weigh in on this.
244
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,730
But first, let's have
a change of scenery.
245
00:09:05,770 --> 00:09:07,370
[all yelp]
246
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,300
Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP,
247
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,700
so be careful.
248
00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:13,570
Shawn, I have reason to believe
249
00:09:13,610 --> 00:09:15,240
that humans might be,
250
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,110
on average, better
than the points system
251
00:09:18,130 --> 00:09:19,310
suggests they are.
252
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,610
Counterpoint... humans are terrible...
253
00:09:21,650 --> 00:09:23,880
Limp Bizkit, slavery.
254
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,550
The prosecution rests.
255
00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:27,220
Got to say, that's a solid rebuttal.
256
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:29,650
Look, there are plenty of awful people
257
00:09:29,690 --> 00:09:31,220
and thoughtless jerks,
258
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:33,890
and, I guess Nazis again, somehow.
259
00:09:33,930 --> 00:09:35,430
But there are also people
260
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,500
who are really trying to be good,
261
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:39,430
and they aren't getting close.
262
00:09:39,470 --> 00:09:41,300
Because they're not good at being good
263
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:42,900
because they're bad.
264
00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:45,770
The score they got on Earth
is how good or bad they are...
265
00:09:45,810 --> 00:09:47,640
full stop, end of story.
266
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:51,240
Then why did these four
get better over and over again
267
00:09:51,260 --> 00:09:52,440
in my Neighborhood?
268
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,260
Why did they help each other in ways
269
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:56,410
they had never helped anyone on Earth?
270
00:09:56,450 --> 00:09:58,250
I don't know. Maybe it's a fluke.
271
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,620
Plus, you have zero proof
they did get better.
272
00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:03,190
You didn't keep track of their points.
273
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,190
That's it.
274
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,260
I know what we have to... Aah!
275
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:09,290
Oh. He forgot we're still in the IHOP.
276
00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:10,830
Anybody got eyes on Chidi?
277
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,630
[high-pitched voice] Help!
278
00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:14,900
Help!
279
00:10:14,930 --> 00:10:17,520
Can someone grab
my tiny boyfriend, please?
280
00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:19,800
I'm on it. And... got him.
281
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,640
Ah. Here you go.
282
00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:22,940
Ah! Ha!
283
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:25,270
[breathing heavily]
284
00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:27,310
I... I just saw
285
00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:28,880
a trillion different realities
286
00:10:28,910 --> 00:10:30,880
folding onto each other
287
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,450
like thin sheets of metal,
forming a single blade.
288
00:10:34,490 --> 00:10:36,820
Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife.
We've all seen it.
289
00:10:36,850 --> 00:10:39,190
- Let's get back on track, bud.
- Oh, okay, sure.
290
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:42,560
What I was saying, um,
before, you know...
291
00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:45,960
I saw the Time-Knife?
292
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,330
Is this...
293
00:10:47,370 --> 00:10:49,370
Michael is right.
294
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:53,200
His Neighborhood gave us the
chance to become better people
295
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,640
because it removed all the variables
296
00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:57,210
that make life on Earth hard.
297
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,840
Yeah, uh, there was no rent to pay,
298
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,640
no racism, no sexism.
299
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:05,850
No awards-show gift-suite
publicist infighting.
300
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,520
What? Those gift suites
can be a real minefield.
301
00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:12,250
But Shawn is also right.
302
00:11:12,290 --> 00:11:14,720
The four of us becoming
better people could be a fluke.
303
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,560
So let's repeat the experiment.
304
00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:20,830
It's what Simone taught us
about data collection.
305
00:11:20,870 --> 00:11:23,330
Try it again and see
if you get the same results.
306
00:11:23,370 --> 00:11:25,730
Of course! I build a new Neighborhood.
307
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,670
We choose four new people,
308
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,159
tell them they're in the Good Place,
309
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,240
create challenges for them,
track their progress.
310
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:35,340
My guess is they will do
what the original four did.
311
00:11:35,380 --> 00:11:37,250
Seek help, support each other,
312
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,580
make wise decisions, improve.
313
00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:41,380
If they do, then it's proof
314
00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:45,720
that humans are not
"bad, full stop, end of story."
315
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,410
This is so stupid.
316
00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:50,330
Where would you even put
this Neighborhood?
317
00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:52,590
I wouldn't allow it to be built in
the Good Place, that's for sure.
318
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:53,900
And I doubt you'd want to come back
319
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,960
- to my neck of the woods.
- Ooh.
320
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,240
I have an idea.
321
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:04,620
Hi, Mindy. We need to use your backyard.
322
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,250
You need my backyard? For what?
323
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,320
We're conducting
an important experiment...
324
00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:11,500
Okay, you know what? I don't care.
325
00:12:11,570 --> 00:12:13,810
In fact, as soon as I started
asking the question,
326
00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:15,760
I thought to myself,
"Why are you asking this?
327
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,300
You don't care about the answer."
328
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:19,390
Do whatever you want.
Just leave me out of it.
329
00:12:19,430 --> 00:12:22,360
And if you want to talk
to someone, talk to Derek.
330
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,930
I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.
331
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:29,040
Who's Derek?
332
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:31,810
Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend.
333
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,410
I made him, so...
334
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,080
he's more like my son.
335
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:36,480
Although I did make him
336
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:38,010
because I was jealous of you and Tahani,
337
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,390
so he's kind of my rebound booty call.
338
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:43,420
So he's your son-rebound-booty-call.
339
00:12:43,450 --> 00:12:45,090
Fine, if you want to put labels on it,
340
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,820
I guess he's my son-rebound-booty-call.
341
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:50,420
But he doesn't mean anything to me.
342
00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,890
Also, Derek never really...
343
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:53,960
worked right.
344
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:55,090
He's a buffoon.
345
00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:57,100
You have nothing to worry about.
346
00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:58,930
"How should he love thee?
347
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:00,700
"Or how deem thee wise
348
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,270
Who wouldst not leave him
in his wandering?"
349
00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:08,010
Oh. I didn't see you there.
350
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,280
I was just reciting
some Edgar Allan Poe.
351
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:12,250
Hi. I'm Derek.
352
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,350
Welcome to the Medium Place.
353
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:16,280
[gurgling]
354
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,320
Derek, why are you so different?
355
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,020
You have Mindy to thank for that.
356
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:23,680
See, she found a plunger
sticking out of the ground
357
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,920
behind our house,
and every time she hits it,
358
00:13:25,950 --> 00:13:27,030
I pass out.
359
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,460
When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter
360
00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:30,920
and a little bit better.
361
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,970
Not to brag, but I almost have
a full-grown penis now.
362
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,530
It's resplendent and mostly functional.
363
00:13:36,570 --> 00:13:38,140
How many times has Mindy rebooted you?
364
00:13:38,170 --> 00:13:39,940
I don't know. Half a million.
365
00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:41,940
- What?
- She reboots me a lot.
366
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:43,180
Sometimes when she's bored
367
00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:45,310
or just needs some "alone time."
368
00:13:45,350 --> 00:13:46,980
Sometimes just for laughs.
369
00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:50,550
[laughing] Derek.
370
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,480
- Shall we head inside?
- Okay.
371
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,150
Cool.
372
00:13:54,190 --> 00:13:56,020
So here are the rules.
373
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:58,620
Michael designs the new
Neighborhood however he wants.
374
00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:01,730
The Bad Place gets to choose
the four new humans.
375
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,130
But they have to be the same
general level of badness
376
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,160
as the original four, all right?
377
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,070
No serial killers, no dictators,
378
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,370
no one who managed a boy band.
379
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,970
Michael will not
get the files in advance,
380
00:14:14,010 --> 00:14:15,870
so he does not have forever to plan.
381
00:14:15,910 --> 00:14:19,010
But he can then change the Neighborhood
382
00:14:19,050 --> 00:14:20,480
however he wants.
383
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:22,420
Yeah, I have about
a billion objections to this.
384
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,920
- So do I.
- Good.
385
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,480
That means it's a fair compromise.
386
00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:27,660
So one last issue...
387
00:14:27,690 --> 00:14:30,150
where do we get all the other
residents for this place?
388
00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:31,920
Well, my original Neighborhood
389
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,530
was built for torture,
so everyone was a demon.
390
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,030
We can't have that.
391
00:14:36,060 --> 00:14:37,840
I say we get them from the Good Place.
392
00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:40,330
Over my dead skin suit.
393
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:42,230
Well, what other option do we have?
394
00:14:42,270 --> 00:14:45,240
Would anybody like a Medium snack?
395
00:14:45,270 --> 00:14:48,910
I myself will be enjoying
another classy martini.
396
00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:50,310
Don't mind if I do.
397
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:51,480
[gasps]
398
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:52,620
I can make the people.
399
00:14:52,650 --> 00:14:53,870
Just like I made Derek.
400
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:55,380
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
401
00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:58,180
If the Judge restores my powers
in the Medium Place, I can do it.
402
00:14:58,260 --> 00:15:00,420
They'll be way more advanced
than the original Derek.
403
00:15:00,450 --> 00:15:02,290
- No offense.
- None taken.
404
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,220
Okay, the other residents
will be comprised
405
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:06,560
of Janet babies.
406
00:15:06,590 --> 00:15:08,620
You will have one year of Earth time
407
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,590
to try to improve the humans.
408
00:15:10,630 --> 00:15:13,400
I will be monitoring everything
to ensure there's no cheating
409
00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:15,230
and to track the humans' progress.
410
00:15:15,270 --> 00:15:16,930
Deal?
411
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:20,100
- [electric buzzing]
- [grunting]
412
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:22,400
- Ow!
- [chuckling]
413
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,410
- Classic.
- Ha ha!
414
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,930
- [electric buzzing]
- Ow!
415
00:15:30,350 --> 00:15:32,250
- Janet?
- Hi, there.
416
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:33,550
- Ah.
- Ready to start building?
417
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:35,220
- Yes.
- I have some ideas
418
00:15:35,250 --> 00:15:37,390
for how to design
a sort of basic Neighborhood,
419
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,150
which we can then tailor to the guests
420
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:40,590
as we learn more about them.
421
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:42,920
Now, when you say, um, some ideas...
422
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960
- I have 11 trillion ideas.
- Yes.
423
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,460
I'm so glad you're here, Janet.
424
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,490
- Me too.
- All right, so...
425
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:52,930
[clears throat]
What's your first basic idea?
426
00:15:52,970 --> 00:15:56,300
[beep]
427
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:58,410
Perfect. So basic.
428
00:15:58,430 --> 00:16:00,240
[both laugh]
429
00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:03,250
[peaceful music]
430
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,850
♪ ♪
431
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,280
This house was built to torture you.
432
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,450
Why did you have Michael
re-create it exactly?
433
00:16:12,490 --> 00:16:14,360
Well, in the memories I watched,
434
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,990
this was where we fell in love.
435
00:16:16,030 --> 00:16:19,030
So I figured, why mess with success?
436
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,160
I mean, blegh, what am I saying?
437
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,430
This house is stupid.
438
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,030
And you're lame, and I hate you.
439
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,330
I love you, too.
440
00:16:26,370 --> 00:16:28,340
This is gonna be fun.
441
00:16:28,370 --> 00:16:31,170
I mean, I know we have to help
these new people,
442
00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:33,010
but most of the time,
443
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,680
we'll just get to live together
like a normal couple.
444
00:16:35,710 --> 00:16:38,280
We can chill out and just relax
445
00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:41,110
- and study philosophy...
- Have sex.
446
00:16:41,150 --> 00:16:42,450
Horndog.
447
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,050
Nerd!
448
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:48,790
[straining]
449
00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:50,320
[beep]
450
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,690
Hi, I'm Daphne.
451
00:16:51,730 --> 00:16:54,490
Hi, Daphne, I'm Janet. I made you.
452
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:56,460
Great. I'll wait for your instructions.
453
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,460
Thank you for making me. Bye.
454
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:00,230
Okay, Daphne's done.
455
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,660
Only another 185 people to go.
456
00:17:02,740 --> 00:17:05,340
I'll check back in an hour.
457
00:17:05,370 --> 00:17:08,210
- You're doing so good, Janet.
- Thanks, Jason.
458
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,710
- Making people is exhausting.
- [beep]
459
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,000
Can't help but notice
460
00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:13,810
you're making a bunch of people.
461
00:17:13,850 --> 00:17:16,180
You know, if we pooled our resources,
462
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:18,690
we could be done in two shakes
of a lamb's Derek.
463
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,150
Whatever. Janet doesn't
need your help, dude.
464
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:23,190
Actually, it would go a lot faster.
465
00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:25,360
- Thanks, Derek.
- No problem.
466
00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:26,530
- [beep]
- Don't worry.
467
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,390
This is purely professional, okay?
468
00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:30,330
Now, be a pal and hold my classy martini
469
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,430
while I get down to business.
470
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,170
Let's make people.
471
00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:40,540
[phone ringing]
472
00:17:40,580 --> 00:17:41,970
Hello, Your Honor.
473
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,710
[chuckling] You fell for it.
474
00:17:43,740 --> 00:17:45,380
It's me, Shawn.
475
00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,550
Just wanted to wish you bad luck.
476
00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:50,200
Trying to psyche me out?
You must be scared.
477
00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:51,550
Oh, I'm very confident.
478
00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:53,270
I think we've picked
some excellent subjects
479
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:54,600
for your stupid experiment.
480
00:17:54,630 --> 00:17:56,220
When you fail, and you will,
481
00:17:56,260 --> 00:17:57,970
I've got something special cooked up
482
00:17:57,990 --> 00:17:59,360
for your four little friends.
483
00:17:59,390 --> 00:18:01,560
Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured
484
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,260
with penis-flatteners
and bees with teeth.
485
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,730
You are so predictable.
486
00:18:05,770 --> 00:18:08,400
Why don't you at least
switch it up once in a while?
487
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:12,870
Try using teeth-flatteners
and bees with penises.
488
00:18:12,910 --> 00:18:15,390
First of all, that's stupid.
489
00:18:15,410 --> 00:18:17,380
But also, we are switching it up.
490
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,520
When you fail, the four humans
491
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:20,080
will be tortured for all eternity.
492
00:18:20,110 --> 00:18:22,550
But guess who's going
to be doing the torturing?
493
00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:25,580
Hello, idiot. [chuckling]
494
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:27,420
We built a Michael suit.
495
00:18:27,450 --> 00:18:29,420
The boys down in R&D
said it couldn't be done.
496
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:31,160
So I made it out of them.
497
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:32,620
That's Vicky in there right now,
498
00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:33,880
taking you for a spin.
499
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,770
You are disgusting.
500
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,260
- Disgusting-ah.
- Oh, Michael.
501
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,130
It's going to be so amazing
watching your four BFFs
502
00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:43,740
look so sad and betrayed and confused
503
00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:45,820
as you, their reformed demon-daddy,
504
00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:47,640
unleash a swarm of...
505
00:18:47,670 --> 00:18:49,440
penis bees.
506
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:50,570
I invented those.
507
00:18:50,610 --> 00:18:52,020
That was me.
508
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,410
Well, I will just tell them
what you're going to do,
509
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,250
and they'll know that
it isn't really me.
510
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,420
And we'll erase their
memories of you telling them.
511
00:18:58,450 --> 00:19:00,450
Thanks for inventing
that little trick, by the way.
512
00:19:00,490 --> 00:19:02,680
Very useful. Have fun, Michael.
513
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:07,160
Enjoy everything that is
about to overwhelm you.
514
00:19:07,190 --> 00:19:09,600
BOTH: Mm, bye, bitch!
515
00:19:16,630 --> 00:19:19,670
So how bad is contestant number one?
516
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:22,050
Murderer? War criminal?
517
00:19:22,110 --> 00:19:23,810
Instagram DJ?
518
00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:25,340
Uh, yeah, um...
519
00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:26,950
- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.
520
00:19:26,970 --> 00:19:28,440
Yep. Just a little jittery.
521
00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:30,370
Last time I designed a Neighborhood,
522
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,140
things didn't really go
according to plan.
523
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,040
Eh, plans are for wimps.
524
00:19:35,070 --> 00:19:37,070
We should have done this
Shellstrop-style...
525
00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:38,099
don't prepare at all,
526
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:39,700
get drunk the morning of the test,
527
00:19:39,730 --> 00:19:40,910
BS our way through it,
528
00:19:40,940 --> 00:19:43,210
and then brag about
how we didn't even study
529
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,310
an still got a C-plus.
530
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,050
- [chuckling]
- So what do we got, man?
531
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,050
I got to go give everyone
a heads-up, remember?
532
00:19:49,090 --> 00:19:50,220
Uh, his name is John.
533
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:51,820
Um, some sort of journalist.
534
00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:54,390
No major crimes or atrocities.
535
00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:57,620
- Is he out there right now?
- Mm-hmm.
536
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,400
Wow, that's freaky.
537
00:20:04,430 --> 00:20:07,400
So, based on initial skimming
of his file,
538
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:11,390
we will run scenario G48-119.
539
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,910
Jeez, Louise.
540
00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:15,010
Well, you have to be prepared
for anything.
541
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,980
I mean, is John coming in
thinking that he belongs,
542
00:20:17,010 --> 00:20:19,080
or does he know he definitely doesn't?
543
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,820
Dude, dude, relax.
544
00:20:20,850 --> 00:20:22,420
All we have to do today
545
00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:23,950
is tell John he's in the Good Place,
546
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:25,320
show him around the Neighborhood,
547
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,190
and get him to Tahani's welcome party.
548
00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,920
That's it. We can deal
with the rest later.
549
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,830
- Right?
- Right.
550
00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:32,990
- Right, right, right.
- Hey, listen...
551
00:20:33,030 --> 00:20:35,430
whatever your plan is,
it's gonna be great.
552
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,100
We trust you.
553
00:20:37,130 --> 00:20:40,170
Your friends will always trust you.
554
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,270
[beep]
555
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:46,510
- Okay. Here I go.
- Okay.
556
00:20:46,540 --> 00:20:48,270
I'm gonna...
557
00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:52,210
Yep. Here I go.
558
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:55,180
I go here.
559
00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:56,950
And...
560
00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:59,120
- I'm gone.
- Michael?
561
00:20:59,150 --> 00:21:02,020
- Oh, yeah, I'm gone.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
562
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:03,290
I can't do this.
563
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,020
Hello? Is anyone here?
564
00:21:06,050 --> 00:21:07,610
Michael, buddy, John is awake.
565
00:21:07,630 --> 00:21:09,290
- We need to open the door...
- Mm-hmm.
566
00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:11,060
And welcome him into the afterlife.
567
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:12,460
Remember, the whole plan?
568
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,030
I do remember.
569
00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:17,140
That's why I can't do it.
It's just too scary.
570
00:21:17,170 --> 00:21:19,340
Oh... [whimpering]
571
00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:21,230
No...
572
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,779
[knock at door] Hello?
573
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:27,780
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
40956
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