Original subtitles

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all

about knowing fuck all about owt needs to watch their backs...

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky-high!

Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots!

And now you've got your ConDemNation!

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never? Anybody watching

needs to know we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times...

yak-yak-yak-yak-yak- yak-yak-yak-yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now!

Party!

Party!

The way I see it, all living creatures have three basic needs...

eat...

defecate...

fornicate.

Beyond that - it's all about wants.

Money... health...

belief in a higher power, of whatever stripe.

Not me. I'm content.

I'm the centre of my universe,

because I'm worth it.

Yeah, right!

Therefore, all I want in life is recognition for a job well done.

You're going to get caught.

You're going to lose everything.

What?

I've got a win! Oi, I've won a pound.

You're a fucking one-woman case for euthanasia you, aren't you?

Here, let's have a look.

Oh, well... Well, here y'are, look, I tell you what.

Just to save you time... I'll give you a quid, y'know, a pound.

Pack it in!

Look at you - lucky white heather.

Fuck me - you don't know you're living, eh?

What you on about?

A terrace on Gibson Street

collapsed straight down into a big hole in the ground.

And two buildings either side barely touched. Mine shafts or something.

All of fucking Manchester's on tunnels. I'm surprised the city hasn't collapsed.

I'd love to see the theatre of shite collapse! Boom!

Wouldn't we all?

Bye-bye, United!

It's unlikely, admirable though the thought is.

Salford teeters atop coal seams, but Satan himself protects Trafford.

Plenty of time to pick up trivia on the dole, have you?

As a matter of fact, it was my first job after school, smart arse.

Job?

You had a job?

Wading through shit underground,

shoring up dilapidated Victorian sewers,

so the fucking Cabinet War Rooms didn't collapse.

We went to them on a school trip.

Yeah, it was Winnie's hideaway,

in the Second City, in case the Nazis flattened Westminster.

Second city, my arse!

Get over it.

You know who owns the War Rooms now and the whole block above?

That fucking nonce who runs the Great Northern Lottery.

Go away!

Fuck off!

Seriously?

The one who owns all the late-night porn?

I applied to be one of the girls on the beds.

You know, ?1.50 a minute for some verbal filth and a bit of camel-toe.

Your mother would be proud!

Uses them as his print-works now - Lottery HQ.

Don't mess about up that way.

One-Eyed Gary tried to knock that place off

and they gave him six months in traction, and 27 years.

Fucking disgusting - a hallowed room,

where Churchill might have retreated to govern.

But he never did.

Well, he might've done,

if the Germans hadn't been so... rubbish.

Now it's host to the Tax on the Poor...

Weekly Draws, Lucky Dips and Scratch Cards. Fucking 'ell!

What d'you think One-Eyed Gary'd have got away with if he'd got away?

Well, say he took two rucksacks in,

a box of cards measures about 12 by 5. Probably eight boxes in a bag.

1,000 tickets in each box, that's 16,000 tickets.

One in ten of those are winners, so that's 1,600 winners.

Anything over 200 needs a name and address, so it's a no.

Say nine in ten are under 200, your average will be, what, 20 quid?

So 20 times 1,400...

About 28 grand. Give or take.

Aw, bless.

Where the fuck'd you get these?

Council archive for those two. Straight off the internet.

And this from the library.

Didn't know you had a library card.

Fuck off! I robbed it!

You don't steal from libraries. It's unethical.

So what are we looking at here, then?

Here, right, we've got, er...

Haven't a fucking clue, mate. We're going to need some help.

Ventilation shaft, leading from the War Rooms,

back along this way to the Pump Room. Oh, yes.

Clean water for the dignitaries and selected toffs,

in case of an air raid, while the plebs fry to death up top.

Focus, Frank!

All right, well, the Pump Room can be accessed via the sewer tunnels,

serviced by maintenance shafts

here, here...

Where does this one come out?

That one is, er...

What's that street there? Oh, yeah,

that's the car park in what is now Perseverance Way.

We need a body up top.

Right, surveillance. Observation, details, time, movement.

What security they've got, how many shifts, when they change,

cameras - where are they? - Their coverage, blind-spots, alarm system.

We need to know every cough, spit and fart of the place or we don't go.

Then we go in through shaft 47/B off Perseverance Way.

Two-man advance, down 80 feet...

harnessed to each other and the ladder, taking no chances...

to the north by north east tunnel into the Pump Room, into the vent,

then straight, right, then straight again for 140 yards

and into the secure room.

We take only what we can carry, no more than 11 rolls a man.

Greed is not good in this scenario.

Two journeys, taking no longer than four hours,

clearing the site with 15 minutes before the change of shift.

It'll be two weeks before they realise the cards are gone.

Hold on, hold on. How do you spell surveillance?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Boy scouts' day out, is it?

Something like that.

And you wouldn't be straying on the wrong side of the law, would you?

Nah.

I'm making sandwiches...

for the church social.

Fair enough.

Oh, it's dangerous.

That's why I can't tell you.

Your shout.

It'll probably make a packet, though, you know, if it comes off.

Really?

Mmm.

? I loved you cos of all that That's the truth

? That's the truth, that's the truth That's the truth!

? I don't think you know where your head is, I was

? Always there to help you break the fall

? And now you wanna pretend that you're a superstar

? And now you wanna us to end what's takin' you this far

? Don't tell me that you're done as far as we go

? You need to have a sit down with your ego! ?

You've been watching Deja vu, Andre.

Stop sticking your tits out.

I'm not.

You fucking are and it looks stupid.

If you didn't keep all the good lines to yourself, I wouldn't have to!

Well, I have the best voice.

I've got better tits than you, and I've got a better voice than you.

I'm going for a fag.

All right, Mr Powell.

"I just want to be famous!" "I've got so much to offer!"

I think they're quite talented.

You see Deja Vu, Andre selling millions?

It's not about selling records these days, Grandma.

Shift your head! It's about uploads and downloads,

number of hits, comments, feedback, going viral.

Deja Vu, Andre? Do they think they even know what that means?

They think it's sophisticated.

Where you off to?

Work.

Is that it?

The less I tell you, the better, you know that.

You can't be charged as an accomplice and at least Connor has

one parent guaranteed not inside. Don't ask me about my work, Karen.

Is that that all I'm getting?

What are you digging around for? Don't you trust me?

Think I'm cheating on you, fucking around?

I'd have a better excuse than this if I was. But I'm not...

I meant, is that all I'm getting - no kiss?

Sorry.

I'm just distracted, that's all.

Fuck it! I've done my bit! There's no point, I'll only slow you down!

You've been down there, you know what it's like.

35 years ago. How's that going to be of any use?

I can barely remember this morning, let alone 25 years ago.

You said 35.

See? Point proven!

Oh, shut the fuck up, Frank, and stop whining like a woman!

Who's like a woman?

What you doing here?

I'm coming with you - the Five Musketeers.

Her share comes out your cut, you stupid little fuck.

Says who? Who the fuck put you in charge?

I did - someone has to lead, and I'm senior.

Ah, like fuck!

All right, fine! Let's put it to the vote, shall we?

Hands up who wants to follow Shane?

Put your fucking hand down! Right. We've got a schedule to follow.

What?

Right, well, very best of luck to you all.

Don't worry, I am the soul of discretion.

Hey... I don't think so, Frank.

Oh, f...!

Sorry, Frank, we need you down here,

or it's the blind leading the blind.

How the fuck?! I don't want to go.

I don't want to?! Man, that is such a shit excuse.

Well, I don't - I am not going.

It's up to you.

Think of the karma!

Are you coming?

No.

You fucking monster!

I think I heard a tiny cry, Frank.

Ah, I don't know. Maybe it made it.

You think so?

Right, hang on, mate! I'm coming.

There you go.

Right, you.

Stay sharp, yeah?

Stink!

Tell me that smell ain't your arse.

You said there'd be a fucking ladder!

Don't talk to me, you murderer.

Yeah? Don't you forget that, Frank.

Why are you so scared, anyway?

I'm not scared. I'm exercising choice - or trying to.

I think this is a buzz!

Yes, well, you're a Jock. Being in a sewer's a step up in the world for you.

Funny! Ooh!

Ah! Careful!

Bastard!

Will you lot stop fucking jabbering, and concentrate!

Cos if one of you lot falls, you'll bring me down with you...

and I won't be happy, trust me.

Oooh!

Fuck off!

Terry... Terry? Terry!

I fucking can't... Watch where you're standing, watch it!

Oh, for fuck's sake, Frank!

Look, here he is...

he seems fine.

Oh!

Bastard.

Right, we'll be out of here in a few hours. Speaking of which, hurry up.

Yeah, well, my work here is done.

Do I have to fucking hit you? This way.

Oh, fucking hell, no.

Fuck it.

Wooh! It's hot in here.

There you have it. Your vents.

Fucking look at you - this is gluttony. It's all "grab, grab, grab, me, me, me."

Everybody wants. Give us another one.

It's not fucking right.

Fuck me!

In your dreams.

Careful.

Right... Ruby?

Whoa, whoa, whoa - what's this?

She wants to be a team player - now she's a team player.

In there?

I'm game.

To get the vent off the other end, yeah?

Excellent.

You OK?

Damn fucking right. Let's do this.

? Don't tell me that it's time for going solo

? You need to knock some sense into your ego. ?

'You have been watching "Deja Vu Andre". '

The Fall, the Mondays,

Stone Roses, and now Deja Vu Andre...

it's Manchester's next gift to the world.

I've seen worse on TV on a Saturday night.

She's not doing her schoolwork because she's concentrating on her music!

How big do you feel, right now?

I was just being realistic.

Or cynical. They're showing initiative, trying to better themselves.

They'll be wanting boob jobs and to be in magazines...

that's not the work ethic I'd hoped for.

I believe in them.

Oh, come on!

Shane, I can actually feel you staring at my arse.

I'm not!

There's ghosts down here, you know.

Fucking hell! Wise up, Frank, you dick!

Listen, I'm telling you, I can feel another presence down here.

I can sense it.

It's just us, Frank - no-one else.

Why do you keep saying me name?

I don't keep saying "Jamie", Jamie.

Why do you keep saying "Frank"?

Will you fucking relax?!

Oh! Is it because I'm going to be the first to die?

What?!

Well, that's what you keep saying, "Frank this, Frank that."

Gives me identity, buttering me up before I die a horrible death.

Stop being such a drama queen!

This place gives me the creeps as it is.

Will you please just...

You all right?

Aaaargh!

Ssssh! What was that?!

I don't know. Who gives a fuck?! Maybe Jamie saw a spider or summat.

Keep moving.

Go!

What you doing?!

You're supposed to be up there!

It's gone dark. No-one's about.

Thought I'd check everything was all right. It's fucking sick in here!

Does no-one listen to a fucking word I say?!

Hey, you're a bit jumpy for the leader of the pack.

A bit... screamy.

I don't like dark, wet holes.

It's not a crime.

There's almost too many retorts I could make.

Someone's here!

What are you on about?!

There's a fucking bed!

It'll be here for the heat off the pipes.

Probably some lazy bastard workman from years ago.

Probably him.

You have to listen to them. They're not half bad.

That's not the point! The point is, we have no control, and she's exposed.

Exposed to what - the real world?

I think you'll find my family owns this fucking pub - put it on the tab!

But I thought...

You're not paid to think! Leave the thinking to me.

You either shut up or you get out.

Fuck off, bitch!

Hope you've not come in here for a ruck.

No, why would I do that?

Everyone's kicking off tonight. Must be something in the air.

No. I'm not here for a ruck.

It's been ages since I had a good ruck - or a bad one!

White wine!

Shhhh!

Will you shut the fuck up!

Hey, shut the fuck up!

Sssh!

You just said it!

But I didn't mean for you to shout!

Make your fucking mind up!

? I really don't think you're strong enough

? Oh, no, no

? Oh, no. ?

Why are they taking so long?

Fuck me. Fair bit of salty yoghurt got slung then, didn't it?

Are you sniffing me?

Oh, yeah, I'm a regular little arse sniffer.

What took you so long?!

A security guard came.

Did he see you?

No. Well, I fucking hope not.

What you doing?

You can't go back - we've only got 45 minutes till the shift change.

We can make it.

All right - strictly 30 minutes, yeah?

You first this time. I'll ogle your arse.

Oh! Look at this! Ancient porn!

Oh, fuck me!

Circle of life.

Huh?

Shine your... bell-end on that.

If I'm not mistaken... there's a young lady in here

with an overly developed affection for vegetables.

How would you know?

How do you think it got here?

Yeah. 35 years ago, I was a horny little devil,

not unlike yourself - bigger penis, obviously.

Oh, there you are! Trudy from Wigan.

The whole cucumber?!

Yeah.

There's a pineapple on the next page...

and not the tinned kind neither. Go on, knock yourself out.

Frank!

We're all supposed to be in this together!

Holding a fucking gun to my head?! I told you I didn't want to come.

Fuck! Fuck! You nearly killed us!

Oh, well... On your own head be it.

Get down!

Or mine...! Shit!

Turn back!

Turn back! Get back!

Frank!

What happened?

What the fuck do you think's happened? Cover your mouth.

Oh!

Fuck!

Let me clear this stuff away, we should find a way through.

Give it here.

Are you all right?

I can't move my legs!

Hold onto me. Get a move on!

Fucking hell! We're going to bring the whole thing down.

There's got to be another way out.

Fucking hell!

What the fuck's happened?

Frank's tried to do a runner and brought down a couple of supports.

The whole shaft's collapsed.

Well, we aren't getting out that way.

What the fuck happened to Frank?

He's faking it.

Jamie, he looks dead.

What the fuck?

Told you.

I was NOT faking it!

Any joy?

There's nothing.

Me neither.

Nor me.

You know I don't believe in mobile phones, fucking cancer.

What are you doing?

Listening out for the emergency services, it's been ages.

They should be onto us by now.

Certainly hope not.

We're breaking the law, son. The Filth catch us down here

it won't be soup and blankets,

it'll be a long stretch in Strangeways. For me anyway!

So, what is the exit strategy then, dear leader?

Me?

Yeah. You're the one that dangled the carrot

for the greedy few.

You used the stick on me. This is on you, all of it.

Built to last, these places.

So... what are we facing here?

Mimi sent me, I'm supposed to help Jamie out.

Help Jamie do what?

Never ask a man about his business, Karen.

Well, if I meet a man, I'll bear that in mind.

Help Jamie do what?

It's collection day.

Jamie's not here.

Well, can I have the books, then? Mimi'll want...

I will do it.

Fuck off.

You're his grandmother!

And you're his mother, you should be looking after him yourself.

Erm, I've got business.

Oh yeah, so you have, gonna go all gangster,

but the child-care arrangements didn't suit.

Oh listen to you, "child-care", have you learnt a new language.

Fine. I'll ask somebody else.

See you later, love.

Unbelievable!

It's not a lot of food.

Should've brung more, just in case.

That would've required planning, forethought.

No-one can hear you scream down here, you know.

I didn't want to be here, I was Fritzl-ed!

Who brings rubbers to a robbery?

It's not me, I always go bareback.

What?

If I was a bloke, you'd be patting me on the back right now,

calling me a "Stud".

Yeah, good for you, equal rights for slappers.

Just because I have that, doesn't mean...

We have to adapt to our environment.

Everything around us is a potential resource.

What for?

Food, water, air, warmth.

We have no idea how long we're gonna be down here for.

We need to conserve what we've got.

Split between the five of us? We'll starve.

No, four, I can go three days without sustenance.

Only when you're pissed.

We've got no booze left, you drank it all.

What? Is that it?!

I don't want any. Not solid, anyway.

I'd sooner have none, than a little. Remove the option, trick your gut.

You're my fucking hero!

When the need arises, shit in a bag,

otherwise, we could find ourselves in real trouble.

Can't you have the pink one?

You be a good boy for Aunty Gloria, OK?

Are you all right?

Jamie's being a prick. We've had a fall out.

Why what's happened? Hasn't hit you, has he?

He wouldn't dare.

But he didn't come home last night.

Maybe he's seeing someone.

I'm sure that's not true. Jamie loves you.

Yeah, well, he makes me wonder, sometimes.

Yeah, I know, can't live with, can't bury them in quicklime

and go to Vegas on the insurance money.

Are you sure this is a good time to go banging on doors,

demanding money?

Yeah, work off a bit of frustration.

Take someone with you.

There's five of us,

three from the same family, including you,

all gone at the same time. They've got to notice.

Yeah, someone must know, right?

I mean, he's married.

Surely you would...

Ah-ah... He's by the book, hero of his own life story.

Tell no-one, need to know basis.

Ask him, if you want.

You're not one for the pillow-talk, are you?

I'll get there. I'm still getting used to this.

I might not be around for a few days.

You don't have to answer to me.

Yeah, I know. It's just... It's just a big job.

I want you to know these things, that's all.

Keep talking, I'm listening.

50 feet underground...

It's gonna be a four-man crew more's the pity,

but I've no choice.

Jamie? Jamie?

What?

There's definitely no chance that you said something

to anyone about where we are?

Karen, maybe?

No, I'm by the book.

Hiya.

I'm sorry.

It is about the support, and not the outcome.

Fair weather parent, are you? Supportive when the going's good?

She's smashed it, a big success.

That's brilliant.

Oh, you're happy now are you?

179 hits.

179! Stick that in your pipe.

179 hits in 24 hours. That's humiliating.

What?

We Tweeted thousands of people and only 179 bothered.

They're all laughing at us. We're shit.

I fucking knew it!

Keep the dream alive, shall we? Oh, baby...

I'll have this as well.

Put it on the tab.

What? I'm making a stew, you dirty-minded buggers.

Rough day?

You could say that, Jamie's away,

I'm doing his collections,

except Mimi doesn't think I'm up to it.

Who are you calling on?

It's Thursday, Mister Quinn, collection day.

Fuck off, tart.

Every twat they look at me like they want to fuck me,

or fuck me up, or sometimes both.

Well, I might be able to help.

I'm in the family, now.

Working in here you know everyone.

You'd be amazed what you get to know about people.

This could be your lucky day.

Be quiet, otherwise he'll hear us.

Don't move.

Look at the size of it! It fucking stinks.

Stuck down here, in this fucking den...

Is there any point in that?

There's every point.

It's still money.

You got any winners?

What's with all the fucking questions?

'I keep my mouth shut, and my ears open.

'It's amazing what you can learn.

'This bloke's always drunk by now cos he works the night shift.

'Picks up a bottle of gin on the way home.

'Walk right in and take the money.

'Fat Dennis's granny's always there.

'He comes in to buy fig rolls for her.

'And she's Old School.

'She'll make sure he pays.'

Thursday?

'And that ginger twat tried to grope my knackers by the

'deep freeze every Saturday shift for four years.'

Three hours, four figures. Not too shabby.

Make the money work for you.

Oh, no. That's too much.

Like you said, you're in the family now.

You've earned it.

All right, Lillian. Having a bit of bread with your stew?

Oh, no.

This is going up the shitter.

Yesterday's batch is always best.

Well, it's not my shitter, of course.

Personal and professional.

Don't get confused.

Cheers, Ches!

'You are going to get caught.'

'Don't you trust me?

'You think I'm out cheating on you, fucking around?'

'You're going to lose everything.'

'Don't have to answer to me.'

'I'm listening.'

'Fucking around.'

'Lose everything.'

'Take it easy, then.'

You got something to fucking say?

What?

You want a fucking go, do you, eh?

Get the fuck off me!

Fuck the lot of you!

Nice one, big chap. Good on you.

Your daughter, knock-out.

Thank you. I like to think so.

37,000 hits?!

Sorry?

I've got a semi here, me.

What?!

They're kids!

Only a semi!

Let me see your phone.

She's like me. Never pushed a buggy before.

How's she doing?

She's not doing her schoolwork now cos she's too upset.

She's humiliated.

Ladies! You think that's humiliating?

Somebody's been fucking about with Tish's video.

No!

What is that?

Oh. My. God!

Is that a penis?

Somebody's doctored it.

That's disgusting!

Ooh! And it actually looks like he's sticking it up.

It really does look like they're naked.

My phone!

Cool.

Oh, babies. You're all right?

Fan-tastic!

42,000 hits!

And that's not even my real boobs!

We're famous. Apparently.

Apparently it wasn't about the music.

What have you done to my daughter?

Me?!

We're so famous!

We should do a calendar! Tasteful, like.

Just tit and total Hollywood.

My tits!

They look great! I could be a porn star!

Come on.

How d'you get on?

Not a natural.

It was about as much fun as you'd think.

Chesney came with me.

Nothing from him.

He'll turn up.

Thanks again.

Bye!

Something you need to tell us?

No.

That woman, your friend, is worried.

Well, she should really talk to her husband about that.

Hiya!

'Please leave your message after the tone.'

Cheer up! Might never happen.

Brilliant, seeing as you're asking.

Pulled in every payment, and then some.

Even got compliments on my friendlier approach,

when they realised I'm no mug.

Piece of piss, really.

Oh, come on! At least let me rub your faces in it a little bit!

There's a problem.

Fuck off! I did a good job.

No, not with you.

They're all missing.

Who?

All of them.

Jamie, Shane, Ruby, Aidan, Frank.

Patty thought Frank was up to something with Aidan.

When she came round here, we realised they was all together.

He's still a child.

So, forgive our lack of congratulations about your success.

But we've got other things on our minds.

Where?

We've asked everyone we can think of.

So, if he hasn't told you, then we are fucked.

'Scuse me.

'It's like when'

a kiddie's been snatched.

Or some poor girl's gone missing,

or a killing's happened.

Somebody always knows something.

Now's your chance.

Come forward,

and we'll go and fetch our loved ones,

say no more about it.

'You don't have to answer to me.'

'Yeah, I know that.'

It's just... well, it's a big job.

I want you to know about these things, that's all.

Keep talking. I'm listening.

50 feet underground.

'Fucking men.

'It's always got to be about them.

'What am I doing?

'Look at me. I'm shaking.

'This has got to stop.'

Then hear this...

and I'll say it quiet so you know I mean it,

if I find anyone's been holding out,

or if something should happen to any one

of those five souls lost out there...

then permanent damage will be done.

'All creatures have three basic needs.

'Eat,

'defecate,

'fornicate.

'If I had my time again,

'if I get the chance,

'all I want is to live.'

We need blood.

Violence isn't the answer.

You're writing him off already?

What if he's dead or found shitloads of money and fucked off?

I know where they are, Dominic.

How come you know about it?

Jamie told me.

When?

Are you all right and alive?

M'am, we're down here!

We're through!

Buzzing!

Shit! Jamie!

We've had a setback. There's been a second collapse.

On my count of three...

Let me go.

Please, Ruby. I'm begging you.

No!

Not even if you were the last man on earth!

What if them lot all died,

and I was the only survivor?

OK, I tell you what.

If you can suck your own knob,

I might consider it.

Self-fellating?

You dirty cow!

You know I'm up for a challenge.

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