Original subtitles

Young man, it is my duty to inform you that you've dissipated your inheritance.

That is, what there was of it .. to put it plainly: you have nothing left!

Absurd, ridiculous .. my father left me twenty million dollars. Where is it?

I'll tell you where it is. First of all the inheritance tax cut it in half.

Then the Federal tax took a slice. ─ There were mortgages to be paid.

He left a million to a university. ─ And another million to a hospital.

There were disbursements and attorneys fees and other administrative expenses.

Gentlemen, I've heard enough.

I take it I'm as poor as the proverbial mouse that lived in a church.

I have paintings in my home that cost a fortune.

But I haven't got a dollar in cash to have my picture taken for a passport.

If I want to travel I've got to use my aeroplane, my motor or my yacht.

But I haven't got a nickel for a streetcar.

My library has rare and costly books, yet I haven't got a penny for a newspaper.

It's all very clear. I'm a millionaire who has everything but money.

Gentlemen, I bid you good-day. I'm going to play polo.

Excuse me boss .. I was just .. fixing the keyhole.

Gents, he fixed the keyhole. If there's a charge, you pay. I have no money.

What's the matter? Didn't you get any dough from these guys?

When you looked through the keyhole, what did you see? ─ Nothing.

That's what I got from these guys .. nothing .. come on.

Boss, you were great. You beat those boys single-handed.

Thanks for the praise Bill, but don't forget to say kind words to the ponies.

Oh they're great boss. If I had the money I'd buy them from you.

Why do you think I want to sell them? ─ You might .. because you're broke.

It's tough to be broke, especially when you are rich.

Yeah, nowadays it seems nobody's got any money except the poor.

Thanks for the beating Middleton. ─ Towny, we did it again.

Nice work Towny .. you did a good job.

You did not so bad yourself. ─ I could do better if I had your pony.

What do you want for them? ─ Thanks old man, but not for sale.

Not even if the price is right.

There's not enough money in the world to buy those ponies.

I raised them myself. You know .. sentiment.

Are you dining at home tonight? ─ Yes, why don't you drop over.

Thanks, we will. ─ Drink anything? ─ Anything? Haha .. everything.

I like Carlton .. he's a swell player. But he's pretty badly mounted though.

I think I'll give him a couple of ponies.

Gee boss, you do nothing but give things away ever since I've known you.

Two ponies for this guy, a car to that guy, a trip to Europe for this guy ..

Why don't you do something for yourself once in a while?

Bill, I don't think I'd know how to do anything for myself. I never had to.

You'll learn.

How are all the horses Pop? ─ Fine, Mr Middleton. In grand shape.

I worked Gallant here this morning, the half in 47:2.

He's ready to win at any time.

Frenzy here did a mile and a quarter in 2:06, and he's ready to win any time.

This one here sir I walked myself, and he's ready to win.

Better run him tomorrow. Make sure.

And big Hawk here, he gallops over the hurdles .. he jumps like he's got wings.

And he's ready to win any time.

Right you are. Mr Jeffries wants to know when you're going to pay that feed bill.

I'll pay him as soon as we win a race. ─ I'll tell him that.

And we're ready to win any time?

And Senator Gordon wants to give you $50,000 .. for Black Mamba.

$50,000? ─ What's that?

You'll be selling Black Mamba will you?

Oh, I'm begging your pardon sir. I didn't know it was you, Mr Middleton.

Set your mind at ease Boots. Black Mamba's not for sale. How is she?

How is she? Eddie, bring Mamba here. I want Mr Middleton to take a look at her.

She isn't coughing any more, is she? ─ She isn't. I worked her this morning.

She did the quarter in 23, the half in 47, and the mile in 1:36.

If you don't mind me saying so ..

She'll win the Kentucky Derby or my name is not "Boots O'Connell".

How are all the foals? ─ Fine. Come and look at the new ones.

Wait until you see them. You'll be proud to say that you bred them yourself.

There he is. Isn't he a fine looking lad? Look at the withers on him.

And he's got a head like his father.

Sure would love to have a picture of him at this age.

And you will have .. jump in the car .. I've got a camera.

Bill, how are we going to get the horse to Louisville?

Ask me something easy. How do I know? ─ Well, there's no money to ship her.

No money? I'll print some for you. ─ Beg pardon, sir. Excuse me asking.

How will you get to Kentucky? ─ Hop in Boots.

Bill, didn't you get the tickets? ─ With what? I don't know what money is.

Maybe your Uncle Morton will help you? ─ Maybe. Don't worry Pop.

I won't, sir.

What's that? ─ I don't know.

The doctor said to give it to you. ─ Well, I won't take it.

But you must. The doctor says it's good. ─ Well then, let him take it!

But the doctor isn't sick. ─ I know, but he ought to be.

That's what's the matter with the world.

All the patients are sick and all the doctors are healthy.

It ought to be the other way round. ─ Come on, take it.

I won't take it! I won't take anything. ─ Mr Middleton!

You've got a terrible temper. ─ Yeah, I know I have.

You'd have a temper too.

If you had a good-for-nothing nephew like that Townsend Middleton.

I can't do anything with him. I can't do anything with him.

Well, looks like the nurse can't do anything with you. ─ No.

Neither can you. What do you want here?

I'm going to the Kentucky Derby. ─ Well, what's holding you up?

Money .. I can't go unless I ship my horse .. how about it?

Not a penny!

I asked you five years ago to let me handle your affairs.

You said: "No. I'll handle my own affairs".

I didn't come to listen to a sermon. ─ No, you came here for money.

He did not. He came here to invite you to the Derby with him.

Wouldn't you like to see it? Would you like to see your nephew win the Derby?

I don't want to see any Derby. I don't care anything about a Derby.

You don't? And you, who owned one of the finest racing stables in the country.

Didn't you win the Derby twice? And the Grand National?

All with horses that you bred yourself. And you don't want to see the Derby?

Shame on you! ─ You don't want to miss it uncle.

Kentucky .. the Bluegrass. The bugle-blowers .. they're off!

Well, so are you! Get out! Get out! ─ Mr Middleton.

What's going on here? ─ It's none of your business.

Mr Middleton, don't speak like that to me. I am your doctor.

Well, why don't you get a shave? ─ An impossible patient Mr Middleton.

What are you trying to do? Slander me? I'm paying you fifty dollars a visit.

I know you are, and I'm sorry to say you are throwing your money away. ─ What?

Fifty dollars a visit and I'm not making any improvement. I want my money back.

It's your own fault Mr Middleton. In a week you'd be alright if you do as I say.

If you go on like this, you'll never be able to get out of bed.

Oh I won't eh? Get out of the room! Get out, I tell you. .. get out!

All of you, get out!

Eleanor! Eleanor! ─ Yes, Mr Middleton?

Don't "yes" me. ─ What can I do Mr Middleton?

Get my car ready for me. I hope to see my nephew win the Kentucky Derby.

Here's to the winner of the next Derby .. Towny Middleton!

Towny Middleton!

Black Mamba! ─ Black Mamba!

Come on, drink up here .. here, a pastry .. one of the little ones there.

I wonder if Towny is going to take us to the races. ─ I Wonder.

If it isn't Mr Humber the track president. Glad to see you.

And you Topsy Martin. Glad so see you.

We can't say the same for you. Where do I get a drink?

I want to dance. ─ I want a drink. My feet are tired.

Drink is no good for tired feet. ─ Neither is dancing.

Besides, you don't know how to dance. ─ I do. I've been dancing for 58 years.

Then sit down and give yourself a rest.

Boss, there's a lot of excitement in the neighborhood. Special trains and cars.

I think a lot of people are going in aeroplanes.

Everybody's going to the Derby to see Black Mamba running. Can you beat that?

Everybody but you and me and the horse. Say it ain't true .. say it ain't true.

I'm afraid it is.

What's the matter with Popsy? He owns the railroad. Won't he stake you a car?

I don't want him to know how I am fixed.

Hello Middleton, you know I'm still in the market for those ponies of yours.

So am I. ─ Me too. All eight of them.

Sorry gentlemen, they're not for sale.

See here Middleton, I understand you are going abroad for a year or two.

You don't want the ponies on your hands while you're away, do you?

I don't mind. ─ Make us an offer. ─ $20,000 for the string.

Well, he'd be giving them away. Who'll say 25? Who'll say 25?

I'll say 25. ─ I heard 25, who'll say 35?

Who'll say 35? Who'll give 35 to buy the finest Polo ponies in the world?

Keep it up. Don't lose your voice.

Not me. I didn't get elocution lessons for nothing.

Who'll say 35? Who'll say 35? Who'll say 35 besides me?

I will. I'll give you 35. Middleton, what do you say?

I think you like to do business with Bill.

Alright Bill, I'll give you $35,000 for the string.

Make it $37,500 and the deal is closed. ─ The deal is closed.

You got a good bargain. ─ I think so too.

I hated to sell those ponies Bill, but I had to.

I know you did. Now, what are we going to do with the dough?

First, I'll give a $1,000 to the servants. How much do I owe you?

You mean that liquor I sold you when I was bootlegging? For 27 grand?

Oh forget about it, I drank most of it myself.

I tell you what I'll do. I'll give $35,000 to Ransom.

It will save Greenhill Manor for a little while.

What's that leave us? ─ Let me see .. $1,500.

What? To get us to Louisville? That will only get us a freight car.

I'm not particular. Are you? ─ No, neither is Black Mamba.

Well boss .. how do you like being a hobo?

I don't mind it .. as a matter of fact I enjoy it.

Sure like to hear you talk like that .. it shows you're not a snob.

Thanks Boots, I'm glad you understand me.

And who doesn't. You're not so hard to figure out.

You said it Boots, he's just like me .. open and above board.

Let's talk about the Derby.

That's right, let's talk about Louisville.

Let's talk about how we get back. You know, we've got one-way tickets.

What made you think of that?

He's always thinking like that .. Bill, you are a pessimist.

A "pessimist"? What's that?

It's a man who's never happy unless he's sad.

Ah, I'm no pessimist .. I'm an octopus.

Ride her well, but keep her off the pace until you get to the home stretch.

From then on .. you know what to do.

Black Mamba, if you've never run before, run today .. this is Boots talking.

I'm depending on you Mamba. I know you won't let me down.

I wish you all the luck in the world. ─ The same to both of us.

Sally, that's Townsend Middleton, millionaire. Try and get to know him.

He wouldn't care nothing about me. We ain't nothing, we ain't got nothing.

What are you talking about? We are one of the first families of Kentucky.

We're one of the first families, but we're down to our last dollar.

How much you got in your purse?

A dollar .. a dollar-eighty.

Well I got twenty cents. Let's pool it and bet two dollars on Black Mamba.

Alright .. meanwhile, I'll ask Mr Middleton if he's going to win.

Good luck Willy.

Why don't you and Pops use my box. ─ Thank you.

I beg your pardon. ─ Oh, thank you.

You're Mr Middleton, aren't you? ─ How did you know?

Who doesn't know you? Is Black Mamba going to win today?

I think so .. I hope so. ─ So do I .. I bet on it.

Can I see you to your box? ─ I'd rather not go back to my box.

My dad's got a load of old Majors and Colonels there.

Well come and sit in my box. ─ Oh, thank you so much.

That's what I call "Southern hospitality".

Yes, I'm just a Yankee with a Southern complex.

Who do you think will win the big race? ─ I'm going to win it with my horse.

Who is that? ─ Black Mamba.

Oh Daddy, I thought I left you up at the clubhouse with General Green.

I just came down to get a hot-dog. I'm superstitious about it.

If I don't eat a hot-dog when I got to the races .. I don't win.

Mr Middleton, I'd like you to know my father. ─ How do you do, sir?

I'm Colonel Barnaby. I have 5,000 acres of the best tobacco in all Christendom.

Barnaby? I've heard that name before.

You should have. There were sixteen of us in the Confederate Army. Sixteen, sir.

We're going up to Mr Middleton's box.

Yes sir, yes sir. I'm glad we're doing it.

Mr O'Connell, Boots and Bill, this is Colonel Barnaby and his daughter, Sally.

How do you do, sir. ─ Howdy, howdy.

Glad to know you all.

I take it Colonel, you are backing Mr Middleton's horse?

I made a small wager, but if you folks think she'll win, I'll press my bet.

I think she'll win Colonel. I hope so. ─ If you think so, I think so.

I'll go down and bet $10,000 on her. ─ But Daddy, you've bet $10,000 already.

Then I'll make it $20,000.

When a Barnaby bets .. he bets.

How do you like those glasses, Popsy? ─ Fine, but the track is too far away.

No wonder .. you're looking through the wrong end.

Is that better? ─ Yes, alright but ..

Now the track is too close. ─ So are you.

You are boiling all over me. You take a look Mr Middleton.

See the horses? ─ No .. where are they?

Right there on the track. ─ Well, where's the track?

That will be enough. I'll tell you all about it.

"Well there they are now. Each and every horse is in his own stall."

"That's Black Mamba making that trouble. She's the only filly in the Derby."

"Looks like they're straightened up now .. ready to go .. and they're off!"

"They're all crowding at the start, all anxious to get the best break."

"Oh, oh, what's that? One jockey is off and the horse has lost his rider!"

Hear that boss? Which horse lost it's rider? I hope it isn't Black Mamba.

Can you beat that for luck .. it is Black Mamba.

"Each and every jockey is out to win, and here they come now."

"It is Black Mamba without a rider, owned by Mr Middleton the millionaire playboy."

"She's out of it now. You can't win a race without a jockey."

"And now it's Fancy Free in front, Patsy Light second, and Audacity is third."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a race, a real race. A real Kentucky Derby."

"A race for 3-year-olds. The finest race horses in America."

"With the best jockeys in the world. They're on the back stretch now."

"Audacity is now in front, Patsy Light is second and Fancy Free is third."

"And the little filly without her rider, she keeps on going."

"Black Mamba is still running. But she's running without her jockey."

"Now on the home stretch. Audacity in front and Patsy Light challenging."

"And it's going to be a fighting finish. And there they go for the line."

Tough luck, boss .. tough luck.

Fourteen horses in the race and it had to be our jockey that falls off.

Come on, there's lots more races to be won.

I knew that jockey was no good. He's been hanging out in cafés every night.

No wonder he can't ride in the daytime. He's a night rider.

Mr Middleton, I'm awfully sorry. You must have lost a fortune.

No I didn't. I didn't have it to lose. ─ Oh, go on ..

Everybody knows you're one of the richest men in the country.

If you want to think that, go ahead. ─ But I do. Makes it so exciting.

You are not only rich, you're charming.

If my nephew had any sense he would have glued that jockey to the saddle.

Well now there is nothing left to do but dance.

Oh Middleton, can you dance? ─ Yes, but I'm not dancing with you.

I think you are a wonderful sport. You've had such a miserable day.

Why cry over spilt milk? Especially when we're drinking wine. Here's to you.

Here's to you.

Towny, I've been looking for you. ─ Stop looking, here I am.

Ask me to sit down, I'm no floor-walker. ─ Alright, sit down.

I'm Topsy Martin, who are you? ─ Sally Barnaby. ─ Where's Popsy?

Outside, talking to your uncle. I had to leave, they were both talking too much.

Probably about Black Mamba losing her rider. I'm the only one who doesn't care.

Isn't he wonderful? He's so unconcerned. ─ I'll say he is, especially about me.

Ask me to have a drink will you. ─ I'm sorry.

You're local talent, aren't you? ─ Yes, I was born here.

Pardon my Southern accent. ─ I can take it.

Girls, I've got a great idea. I'm going to give a party .. Captain, Captain!

Yes sir?

I want to reserve this room tonight for me and my guests. ─ You sure can, sir.

Will be about 30 of us. Better have a 100 quarts of wine. Will 100 be enough?

Better make it 101 in case somebody drops in.

Who is going to drink all that wine? ─ Don't worry, you'll get yours.

How about some food?

They'll be food. A party's no good without food.

Hello Bill .. remember Sally? ─ Yes.

I'm giving a party in her honor.

We got some nice Chinese pheasant. ─ That sounds good. Get thirty of them.

You like pheasant, Bill? ─ Sure, especially if they're Chinese.

Darned clever, those Chinese pheasants. ─ I've never eaten any pheasant.

They must be heavenly. ─ Oh, you'll like them, ma'am.

We serve them with a special dressing and Hawaiian pineapple.

Is that the way you like them, sir? ─ Yeah, with rye bread and sauerkraut.

Yes sir. ─ We'd better have terrapin.

I'm sorry sir, we have no terrapin. ─ Can't you catch some?

Well pardon me, I'll have to call off another engagement.

Wait. Don't disappoint me. I'm giving this party for you, you know.

I should say not. I'm going to eat those Chinese pheasants if it kills me.

I said 100 quarts of wine, but you'd better make it 200.

Yes sir!

Are you giving, a party or a pageant? ─ Leave him alone, will you.

If he wants to spend, let him spend.

What do you mean "spend". He ain't got nothing in his pockets but holes.

Don't get excited Bill. I'm going to give that girl the best party she's ever had.

Do me a favor Topsy. Get her to come to New York. ─ When?

With us, tonight.

Hey, have you got a razor in your purse? ─ Why? You want to shave at the table?

No .. I want to cut my throat.

Sir, there is a Colonel Barnaby wishes to see you at the bar.

What will it be? Swords or pistols? ─ I don't know, but I'll find out.

Where shall I send the body? ─ If no-one calls in 30 days it's yours.

Colonel, were you at the Battle of Bull-run?

Yes indeed .. and I was the last man to run.

Give me a glass of water. ─ Yes sir, Colonel.

Colonel, you have something to say? ─ Indeed I have.

I've got 5,000 acres of the finest tobacco in all Christendom.

I know it. I'm not interested in real estate.

But you're interested in my daughter. How dare you, how dare you!

How dare I what?

What are you doing with my little bumble-bee?

Just entertaining her. ─ Well, well .. that's different.

Have some of my private stock.

Mr Middleton .. may I speak to you for a moment?

You'd better get down to the stable. They're going to take Mamba away.

Bill, go to the stable. They're trying to take the horse away from us.

Leave it to me.

Why send Bill there? Why don't you go? You can talk better than he can.

He'll only start a fight. You'd better get down there. ─ Alright, come on.

Where you going, Towny? ─ Hello Sally. You know Boots don't you?

Yes of course .. you aren't going to leave me here alone are you?

Sally, you go back with Topsy. I'll be right back.

What are you going to do? ─ What I was sent down here to do.

I'm going to take this horse away from who owns it.

You're going to do what? ─ You Mr Middleton? ─ I am.

Well sir, we have an attachment against for $37,000. You want to pay it?

Could you give me a little more time? ─ No sir.

I'm afraid we'll have to put a seal on your barn.

You mean a trained seal? ─ No sir. This one.

Now we're in a fix. What are we going to do next?

First thing to do is to find your uncle. Maybe he'll give you some dough.

Good idea. If he saves Black Mamba for us, we'll invite him to Sally's party.

There ain't going to be no party. I cancelled it. ─ You did?

Yeah, and if you don't hurry, there ain't going to be no horse.

????

You guys going back to the courthouse? ─ Yes.

Well, I'll be right over there with Senator Luffing. He'll take care of this.

Let him come.

Hey boots .. are you in there?

Sure I'm in here .. where are you? ─ I'm out here.

That's where I'd like to be. ─ We'll have you out in two minutes.

I knew this trip wouldn't do you any good. ─ Well, you mind your own business.

But I'm your nurse. ─ Well, mind your own business anyway.

Mr Middleton, don't excite yourself. ─ And you mind your own business, too.

Remember what the doctor said. ─ Wait until I get hold of that doctor.

When I get through with him, he'll need a doctor.

Uncle Morton, you've got to help me. ─ Are you in trouble again?

Listen to me for a moment. I'll explain everything.

You've been explaining things all your life.

You've got to listen, I'm in a bad spot. I gambled everything on Mamba and lost.

And it looks like I'll lose her too. I'd rather have anything happen but that.

I need $37,000 to save her. ─ $37,000?

Do you suppose I carry that around in my breast pocket?

You don't have to give me the cash, just give me a draft. ─ A draft?

Yeah that's it, a draught. Get me out of this draught, both of you.

Get me out of this draught!

$37,000 .. who does he think I am? Santa Claus?

$37,000.

It looks like we're being dispossessed. ─ Oh, don't worry Mr Middleton.

It is always darkest just before dawn, and something is bound to happen.

Yes, but it seems as if it always happens to me.

We'll get out of this mess alright, sir. ─ I hope so.

Pop, let me tell you something.

A man who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth is at a great disadvantage.

He doesn't know the value of a dollar. ─ I guess you're right, sir.

I know I am.

I wish I was born to poor parents and had to battle my way through life.

I'm no good to myself or anybody else. ─ Ah now, now sir.

They don't come any better than you are. You have your faults.

But with all your faults, you're a much better man than you think you are.

You are generous and kind. You had money and you spent it.

And that's more than some millionaires will do. Furthermore, you love horses.

And show me the man that loves horses and nothing bad can come of him.

What? What in the name of ..

How did you do it? Where'd you get her? ─ Nobody knows, not even the Sheriff.

Well so far so good, but how do we get her to Long Island?

Whose car is that? ─ Uncle Morton's.

Let's put it on. He'll never know the difference.

That's a good idea .. Eddie .. Eddie! ─ Here I am.

Come here .. put Mamba on uncle Morton's private car.

Come on Mamba .. I don't think uncle Morton is going to like this.

They told me to do it, I guess I got to do it.

First time I ever do it. Having a horse riding in a private car.

I ain't going to put you in no barn, I know that .. come on Mamba.

How can I thank you? You've done me a great favor.

I did a favor for myself. You think I'd let them take Mamba away from us?

Certainly not. Come on, get in Popsy's car. Ride with us. ─ Who's "us"?

Popsy, Topsy, me and the little lady you met in the box.

No thanks, I'll be riding home with the horse.

How many hot-water bottles have you got?

Twelve. ─ I told you to get twenty-four.

The doctor said you didn't like it hot. ─ Now, wait until I see him.

I'll make it hot for him. ─ Now don't excite yourself.

Huh? Oh you're right, you're right. I've got to be quiet.

What I need is rest and quiet.

[ loud banging ]

Stop that noise!

Mr Middleton, remember your high blood-pressure.

Yes, that's right. How high is it? ─ A hundred and ninety.

[ loud banging ]

Cut that out! What's going on in there?

[ horse whinny ]

I'll settle them .. let me at them .. let me at them!

I'll bet that's my nephew, that worthless good-for-nothing.

Who is responsible for this?

Who put that nag in this car? ─ Begging your pardon, sir.

This is no nag. This is Black Mamba, a thoroughbred.

I don't care if it's a thoroughbred To me it's just a nag.

I want it taken off my car! ─ Just a moment Mr Middleton.

Aren't you ashamed for talking that way? About the grandest of all animals?

Man's best friend, the horse.

There is no more faithful animal in the world. It responds to every kindness.

And in return it gives you devotion that is beautiful to behold.

Why didn't a King once cry:

"A horse, a horse, my Kingdom for a horse."

What King? ─ Richard the third.

It was the fourth. ─ It was the third.

The lady's right, it was the third. ─ I'm sorry, sir.

Why so sentimental about horses? ─ I've been with them all my life, sir.

I raised this one from a baby. I fed her with my own hands.

I beg your pardon, sir. But, I love her.

Oh well .. if you love her, then that's a different matter.

But what's she doing in my car? ─ There's nowhere else to put her.

Why not? They've a horse-car here.

Sure, sir. But you can't put her there unless you've the money to pay her fare.

Please don't put her off Mr Middleton.

Well alright then. I'll let her stay.

But I'm not doing this for that good-for-nothing nephew of mine.

I'm doing this for you. ─ Thank you, sir.

It's kind of cold here, isn't it? ─ It is, but I can turn on the steam.

No, no, no .. don't do that. Steam is bad for a horse's lungs.

Hey nurse .. give this young lady some of my hot-water bottles.

I don't want that horse to catch pneumonia.

It's fine.

Try that .. that ought to fix it.

It's come along fine. Go to the Derby next year and I'll rub the other leg.

You girls like a little drink?

Yes, I'd like a champagne cocktail. ─ I'd like a mint julep.

I'm dying to see New York. I'm crazy to ride in the subway.

Anyone is. You'll find out.

It's nice to see the things you always hear about.

The theaters, the nightlife, the cafés, and all with champagne.

And the Chinese pheasant. ─ I've never eaten any.

You haven't? New York is just full of Chinese pheasants. ─ Really?

Why, every Chinaman in New York has got a pheasant.

Did you ever see the Brooklyn Bridge? ─ Twice. Once going and once coming.

Was it nice?

The bottom of the bridge isn't much. I saw it from a yacht.

A yacht .. has Towny got a yacht?

No. He had one, but they cut him down to a rowboat.

Come in. ─ Open up.

Well, I'll be seeing you. ─ Must you go?

No, I mustn't .. but you want me to.

What a day. What a day. ─ Cheer up, Yankee.

Things can't be that bad. ─ Yes they can .. they are.

Oh come on, you're fooling. How could a man like you be anything but happy?

Strange as it seems, I'm everything but happy.

I'm afraid you're acting Towny. I think you're just looking for sympathy.

I don't know how much trouble other folk have, but I certainly got my share.

Trouble? What trouble can you have?

Money, friends, a beautiful home. Why, you've got everything.

You are wrong Sally. Especially about my money.

I know .. you're selfish. Wealthy men are all alike.

You got everything and you want twice as much. You're a naughty boy, Towny.

No I'm not. You don't understand. Take my house for instance, it is ..

It isn't big enough. You want a castle with a 1000 rooms and gold in every one.

You're a bad, bad boy, Towny. ─ I'm quite sure I'm not that selfish.

So am I .. deep down in your heart all you want is happiness.

That's all I want .. happiness.

What's going on in there? Will he fall for that doll with the "Mame" dialect?

Sure, he's in there holding her hand.

I used to hold my wife's hands. But that was to keep her from slugging me.

I wonder how that thing in there is going to end.

I don't know, but I'm afraid Cupid hit him with an arrow.

Cupid hit me with an arrow once, but it was poisoned.

Yeah, but this is love.

Love? That's the tenth word in a telegram.

Popsy asleep? ─ Asleep? I think he's dead.

Come on, let's dance. ─ I'm wrong .. I'm dead.

Eleanor, have you ever been married? ─ No sir, never. ─ Neither have I.

That shows both you and I have got good sense .. nobody should be married.

Marriage always spoils a most beautiful friendship.

You're quite right sir, but we must have marriage or there wouldn't be children.

There shouldn't be any children. Children have no brains.

A man ought to be thirty years of age before he was born.

What's this .. a letter from my nephew? There's one thing I will say for him.

He's done a lot of silly things. But he's never been fool enough to get married.

Dear Uncle, you are cordially invited to my wedding.

Tomorrow afternoon at 4:00. Your loving nephew .. Townsend.

Well I ..

Eleanor, take a letter. ─ Yes, sir.

Townsend Middleton.

Young man, my first impression of you was correct: you are a moron.

I always thought you a half-wit. I was charitable .. you have no brains at all.

If you have any intelligence, you have a very clever way of concealing it.

That's all. ─ Shall I sign your name to it?

Yes, sign it six times, and put a bomb in it!

Well .. in an hour from now, you'll be a married man.

Say .. did you tell her you are broke? ─ She knows everything .. almost.

Ah, then she's marrying you for love .. I thought that was passé.

Passé? Are you going highbrow on me? ─ No, I got it from a crossword puzzle.

Your bags are all packed Mr Townsend.

You will find your woolly pyjamas at the bottom of this bag.

They say it's awful cold in Atlantic City.

So please by careful and take two blankets on your bed.

There's a sweet old thing. Been with us for forty years.

Did she ever get paid?

Can I do anything for you Mr Townsend? ─ No thanks, Beuhl.

But I want you to be my Best Man. ─ You don't mean that, sir?

Yes I do. There won't be anyone present but the help.

Bill, you'll give the bride away. ─ I don't know anything about her.

What are you blubbering about? ─ What's the matter Beuhl?

I don't know whether I'm unhappy, or whether I'm crying for joy.

You had better make your mind up. ─ I can hardly believe it, sir.

I was in this house when you were born, I watched you grow up.

And when you were so high, I would give you rides on my back in this very room.

Now here I am .. going to be Best Man at your wedding.

There's loyalty for you. I bet you never cried like that.

Yeah, once when my mother tried to give me castor oil.

Isn't anybody coming here for the wedding?

Oh sure, everybody .. but no guests.

No guests? ─ No, just the servants.

Beuhl, Enrico and me, and Mr O'Connell .. and Boots.

Boots? That's missed Mr O'Connell's daughter.

They live in the stable, don't they? ─ No, not in it .. over it.

The horses live by themselves.

I don't blame them. If I were a horse, I'd pick my company too.

Oh Boots is a lovely girl, she has been here ever since she was a little baby.

And Mr Townsend is crazy about her. ─ How interesting.

And she's crazy about him, too.

They are crazy about each other. ─ No, they're not. They're just crazy.

Good morning Beuhl. ─ Good morning.

I played that horse you gave me. ─ He didn't win, did he.

Not the race he was in.

Come on you, come on. Cheer up. It's not a funeral you are going to.

It might just as well be. ─ The top of the morning to you, Bill.

The same to you, and you too, Boots. You look like a million dollars.

What are you supposed to be doing? ─ Decorating the place.

What good is a wedding without flowers?

Better let me do it, you don't know the first thing about it.

Ah, it's a woman's job anyway. Come on Pop, you and I will have a drink.

What's the matter, Boots?

You ask me that?

I cut myself on one of the rose thorns. ─ Oh, I'm sorry. Let me see it.

Where? .. I don't see anything.

Well I'll kiss it. Maybe it will make it feel better.

Come on now, you mustn't cry. It's my wedding day.

Well sir, the last wedding I went to was my own.

The only wedding a guy shouldn't go to.

To be sure, you've got to go to it. How are you going to get married?

You shouldn't be. ─ What do you mean?

You know, marriage isn't so bad. ─ The marriage ain't.

It's the after-effects. ─ Were you ever married?

Twice .. I'm a two-time loser.

We've had a lot of fun, you and I. ─ Sure, we've had that.

Remember when we took the young hunters over the hedges and across the fields?

And they ran away with us.

And we didn't get home until the moon came up to show us the way.

Those were the happy days, Boots. Let's drink to them.

Yes, it was the happiest time.

Will I ever forget it.

Remember when you wouldn't let me shoot a deer because you said it had sad eyes?

Oh come on Boots, what are you crying about? This is no time to be crying.

Well .. is there going to be a wedding here or not?

I'm ready if you are.

[ door knock]

That's either a Minister or a Sheriff.

A Minister. ─ Bill, have you got the ring?

Yeah.

I had it .. I had it upstairs.

While you were getting dressed.

I can't think what I did with it.

I took it out of the box.

Can you beat that? I put it on my finger so I wouldn't forget it.

That's 20 pairs of shoes, 10 pairs of sandals and 10 pairs of street- shoes.

I'll take them all. Charge them to Mr Townsend Middleton.

I'll take the sable scarf and this mink coat.

Charge them to Townsend Middleton.

I'll take this one too.

That makes 12 dresses and 12 hats, and charge them to Townsend Middleton.

I'll take these pearls .. and these emeralds .. and these diamond clips.

Charge them to Townsend Middleton.

You've been too extravagant dear. You've been throwing money away.

I didn't spend so much. Only $12,000.

$12,000 is a lot of money these days.

Are you finding fault with me?

I'm not finding fault, but I think you ought to take it easy.

Well, I hope we're not going to quarrel on our honeymoon.

Here's a funny situation. You two having cross words and I'm doing a crossword.

That's very funny. ─ I don't see anything to laugh at.

Oh .. excuse me.

I don't mean to be quarreling with you, but I do object to your extravagance.

I don't think I'm so extravagant. ─ I do. You spent $300 for one hat.

With blue feathers.

Hey boss, how do you spell "bird"? .. with an "i" or with a "u"?

With an "i". Leave me alone will you.

What if I did spend $300 for a hat? It's not the first time.

I was once bought a hat that cost $400.

And if I want to spend $400 for a hat, I'll spend $400 for a hat.

Or $500, or $600, or a $1000.

Hey .. what great General was buried in Grant's tomb?

Napoleon.

Don't be angry dear, I didn't mean anything I said.

You did mean it! You said everything in front of that horrid man.

Forget it. Be a good girl and stop crying.

I won't stop crying. I won't stop crying!

We're on our honeymoon and yet we fight as if we've been married for 20 years.

It's all your fault. ─ I know it, but please stop crying.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, really I didn't.

But you did hurt them. ─ I know it and I'm sorry.

Telegraph for Mr Middleton, sir.

Hey, what kind of fruit starts with a "b"? ─ Apple?

Apples don't start with a "b". ─ Sure .. "baked" apples.

Boss, I've got bad news. Pop O'Connell kicked off

Oh that's awful. ─ I don't know how Boots took it.

Poor Boots, this will break her heart. ─ It sure will, she's got nobody now.

Nope, nobody but me. ─ And me. ─ What's the trouble?

We just had bad news. Pop O'Connell died last night.

I'm afraid we'll have to go right home. ─ Go home? For what reason?

He's nothing to you. Only a trainer. ─ You don't get it. I worry about Boots.

The girl will grieve herself to death. I've got to go back and look after her.

This is a fine honeymoon.

I've never been so unhappy in my life.

Boots can take care of herself can't she? ─ I'm afraid not. We've got to go back.

We don't have to go back to her, and we won't go back to her!

Please be a good girl and stop crying. Come on, please stop.

I'll get you that Rolls Royce. ─ Will you?

A limousine, the biggest one they've got. ─ The red one? That I saw this morning?

Phone the Rolls Royce concession and send that red limousine right over.

It costs twenty-five thousand.

Twenty-five thousand? I'll beat them down to twenty-four.

Oh Towny!

Well here we are, back at the old home. ─ Yeah, and I hope it is still ours.

Old-timer, it's nice to be back. ─ Glad to see you back, sir.

Madison was lovely, but give me Greenhill Manor.

Well, aren't you coming in?

A little later, dear. I'll take a walk around the stables.

He thinks more of those horses than he does of me.

Oh you're too suspicious.

Brady. You take good care of my car. ─ Yes ma'am.

Boots, I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Your father was a grand man.

He was loved by everyone who knew him. He loved horses and they loved him.

Sure, but what am I going to do without him?

You're going to carry on, just as he'd want you to.

You mean, you are going to let me stay here?

Here and nowhere else. You belong here.

You will let me train the horses? ─ Why not?

What's more, I'm going to give you one. What do you think of that?

I'm going to give you Black Mamba. ─ It's no time for fooling, Mr Middleton.

I'm not fooling .. and don't call me Mr Middleton.

I am "Towny" to you, the same as I am to everyone else.

Alright Towny. But I couldn't be taking Black Mamba. That wouldn't be fair.

If you don't take her, Mr Ransom will.

Have they tried to take the horse from you?

They are trying to. But if I give her to you, they can't do it.

We'll settle that right now. Come on.

Hey there. ─ I beg your pardon?

How do you spell "cents"?

"Cents"? What kind of "cents"?

The kind you have in your head, or dollars and cents?

Dollars and cents. That's all you've got on your mind, ain't it?

What do you mean? ─ You know what I mean.

You got this guy buying you cars and diamonds and he hasn't got a quarter.

What do you think of that, huh? ─ Oh, hasn't he?

Well, if he has he's holding out on himself.

Well he may not have any cash and he may be going to lose Greenhill Manor.

But he still has Black Mamba and she's worth $50,000.

And you think you are going to get her? Ha!

I'd like to know who else is going to get her.

Yeah, well we'll see about that. ─ You bet we will. ─ Yeah.

And another thing.

His uncle, who's worth thirty million dollars isn't going to live much longer.

And Townsend Middleton is the sole heir.

Bill .. Bill. ─ Here I am, boss.

Get a piece of paper and take this down.

Okay.

I, Townsend Middleton ..

For the sum of one dollar ..

Hereby sell, assign and deliver to Valerie "Boots" O'Connell.

I can't spell "Valerie". I'll say "Boots".

My racehorse "Black Mamba".

To have and to hold the same forever. ─ What's this? Am I hearing right?

Right and left!

It means the owner of Black Mamba is nobody else but Valerie Boots O'Connell.

You can't do that!

Yes I can. If I don't, Ransom will take the horse away.

How about me? I'm entitled to some consideration around here.

Sure, if I'm going to be starting you any trouble Towny ..

"Towny"? ─ Sure, that's his name ain't it?

You won't be any trouble. I want you to have Black Mamba and you've got her.

Thank you.

Methinks the lady is having a tantrum.

A tantrum? A seven-letter word for "nuts".

How long are you going to stay with us? ─ Indefinitely my son .. indefinitely.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a long, long time.

By the way, I want you and Sally to be happy.

And I'm going to make it my business to be with you all the time.

I'm not only going to be her father, I'm going to be yours .. where is she?

Where is my little bumble-bee. I want to congratulate her. Where is she?

You'll find her in the room at the head of the stairs.

I'm going right up.

Boy .. take my luggage to my room and unpack it.

This is going to be a happy family.

A happy family!

Where is she? Where is she?

Ah, my little bumble-bee. I knew you would do it.

I knew you'd do it. ─ Do what?

Why, you're the wife of a millionaire.

And I've come to live with you to make your happiness complete.

How did you get here?

I came all the way from Louisville on a truckload of lettuce.

Did you eat anything? ─ Been on a vegetable diet for 3 days.

That isn't very elegant food for a Kentucky Colonel.

No it ain't .. I'd like to sink my teeth into a porterhouse steak.

Well so would I .. but there isn't a bite to eat in the house.

What kind of talk is that from a millionaire's wife?

Did you ever hear of a millionaire without money?

What are you talking about? ─ That's what I married.

A wealthy man who hasn't got a nickel to his name.

You mean to say that you've been humbugged?

I thought I'd never want for anything as long as I lived.

But all I married was a tramp with blue blood in his veins.

He's not only hasn't got any money, he doesn't even love me.

What do you mean?

He's in love with his trainer's daughter.

They haven't got me fooled. Neither of them.

But I'll show them who's boss around here.

I wonder if her mother is coming up from Kentucky too?

She can't get away.

She's taking care of that 5,000 acres of the "finest tobacco in all Christendom".

Townsend .. Townsend!

Oh, I don't like that "Townsend". I'll take a walk in the garden.

Who was that who just went out? ─ It was just Bill.

Yes, and he talking about me too, wasn't he? ─ No, Honey. No.

Don't "Honey" me. I'm getting sick and tired of things around here.

You've got to get him off the place.

I can't do that.

He's been with me for years. ─ I don't care anything about that.

I'm going to get rid of him. He's not going to live in my house.

Do you want me to tell him, or will you tell him?

I can't tell him to get out. ─ You tell him or I will!

Wait!

Alright .. I'll tell him.

Beuhl. ─ Madam?

We won't be needing your services any longer and you can leave at once.

Tell the rest of the servants they are discharged and have them leave with you.

Old pal, it's tough to have to do this but .. I'm in a spot.

Maybe she'll calm down in a day or two and you can come back.

In the meantime, you go to the Princeton Hotel and live there.

Don't worry about the bills, I'll pay them.

When she cools off, you can take her for a walk for half a mile Eddie.

Miss O'Connell? I've something to say to you.

I've been talking to Mr Middleton.

We've decided that you must leave the premises at once.

I don't understand.

There is no further explanation necessary.

We want you to pack your belongings and leave at once.

Mr Middleton's orders.

Mr Middleton, things have taken a terrible turn at Greenhill Manor.

We've all been fired.

And the Sheriff's foreclosed the place. There's only one way we can save it.

Yes .. I know, you are going to ask me for money.

But I'm going to give you something in return for it. ─ What's that?

I'm going to sell you Black Mamba for $100,000.

How do you know I want Black Mamba? ─ How can you help but want her?

You're a racing man all your life. Now you can get the best horse in the world.

I'll train her for nothing.

And she'll win the handicap as far as a country boy can throw an apple.

It'll flush your cheeks and you'll feel like a young man again.

You bet, as young as a baby.

Who is this man? What is his name? ─ Mr William Terence McGuire.

A fine gentleman, a man of honor. ─ I have been for years.

Hey, that's a pretty strong grip you got. How old are you?

Me? I was sixty-one on my last birthday. ─ How do you keep looking so young?

I eat the right kind of food and I never took a drop of medicine in my life.

Well, I'm always taking medicine. Say, maybe you can give me some good advice?

What do you suppose is wrong with me?

I tell you. You buy the horse and let me train her, and hire Bill to train you.

Well, do I look like a horse? ─ No, but I'll have you eating like one.

The first thing to do is to get rid of those nurses and doctors.

Doctor .. fifty dollars a visit. I'll get rid of that doctor today.

A nice big roast beef, that's what you need. With the gravy oozing out of it.

Not dripping, but oozing out. A big heap of mashed potato with butter on it.

With asparagus and sliced tomatoes. ─ And couldn't I have some corn?

Corn on the cob! And a big hunk of lemon pie.

If you want to add a couple of bottles of beer, that rounds it out nicely.

I'm getting to feel better already.

I could have some of that right now. ─ You will!

Sure, and we'll get a chef to prepare it for you.

And a lot of other servants to take good care of you. What do you say?

Bring them all up here, and your Black Mamba too.

Hello.

It's that phony Colonel I told you about. Talk to him, get a load of this guy.

I bet he tells you about the 5,000 acres.

Hello.

This is Colonel Barnaby of Kentucky speaking.

I've got 5,000 acres of the finest tobacco in all Christendom.

Well, I don't smoke tobacco. ─ That ain't what I called you up about.

My daughter happens to be married to your nephew.

And they haven't got a penny between them.

Yeah, and I suppose you want me to take care of them. Is that it?

Well, not exactly.

My daughter and I would like to come and see you, and talk matters over.

Bill, they want to come over here.

Let them come over. Let's hear what they got to say.

Alright Captain. ─ Colonel!

Alright Colonel, come on over. ─ Well, you see ..

We're "on foot" over here. Would you send your limousine for us?

Yes, alright.

You say this fellow's a windbag, Bill? ─ You'll find out.

Wait until you meet him face-to-face. You'd wish you'd met him back-to-back.

Hey .. my grandfather used to own a place like this .. only twice as large.

Save that for uncle Morton.

Henry, give me a hand with this outfit.

It can make it .. I'll just mike up the roof light.

I'll run the wire through here and put the recorder on the floor.

They'll never see it.

Sir .. this has been the happiest day of my life.

It's always an honor to meet a Middleton. ─ You bet it is .. good, sturdy stuff.

The Middletons go back as far as the Pilgrims.

I know it sir. That's the only reason I let my daughter marry your nephew.

Uncle Morton, we are in dreadful circumstances.

But I wouldn't think of accepting one penny of your money.

No sir .. we'll handle this thing ourselves.

But .. of course .. if you want to help Townsend out.

He's your kin. ─ Well ..

I'm not ready to discuss finances just now, but I'll talk with my nephew.

Thank you sir.

If you ever come down to Kentucky, I want you to visit me and my plantation.

I got 5,000 acres of the finest tobacco in all Christendom.

Goodbye uncle Morton.

Good day, sir. ─ Good day, sir.

Oh, Bill.

Hey Bill .. I don't know, but they sounded alright.

It looks to me as though Townsend .. is a scalawag.

I wouldn't put much stock in what they say. They're a pair of phony-baloneys.

I wouldn't be too sure about that. ─ No? I'll have the proof in a while.

What do you mean?

Oh nothing, only I put a Dictagraph in your car.

If they say anything about you on the way home, you'll hear it on the record.

You thought I was going to desert you and the babies, didn't you.

But I've come back to take care of you. You're coming along with me.

Boots .. what are you doing here?

Queenie's had pups. They're too young to be moved, so I've come back for them.

Will you be giving me a hand?

With a litter like that you'll need both my hands.

Boots, I'm sorry for everything that's happened.

I don't blame you. Women can be awful mean when they want to.

Not all women.

Sure, it's a lover's quarrel. You'll be making it up soon.

I don't know. It doesn't look like that.

How's everything with uncle Morton? ─ Of fine.

You know what he had for breakfast this morning? ─ What?

Two big slices of ham, four eggs and two bottles of beer.

Well I'm glad the turn of events has boosted uncle's appetite.

It sure has that. He's the happiest man in the world.

Boots, I know why you sold Black Mamba. I know what you did with the money.

How am I ever going to repay you? ─ What are you talking about?

The Sheriff told me everything.

I know you gave Ransom enough to save the estate.

And I'm going to kiss you if it's the last thing I ever do in my life.

Now we'll hear what they think of you. I know what they think about me.

Get a load of this. ─ Where you going?

I thought I'd take it on the lam. They might say something nice about you.

"Sally, my little bumble-bee, just as I thought."

"A miserly old skinflint, that's all he is."

"The Middletons. They can trace their family back to the Pilgrims."

"I bet they were just a lot of horse-thieves."

"Sally, I think we're wasting time waiting for that old buzzard to die."

"He's good for another fifty years."

"Daughter, we'd better look for another prospect .. we'll get no money here."

All you said about those two isn't bad enough.

There just a couple of sidewinders. All they're after is my money.

Get me Ransom on the phone. I'll fix the whole lot of them.

Including Townsend for getting mixed up with such riffraff.

They're a lot of .. what did you say they were? ─ Phony-baloneys.

Yeah, yeah. That's it .. phony-baloneys!

Hello? Mr Ransom? Hold the wire. Here he is.

Hello? Ransom? How much you got coming to you on Greenhill Manor?

$200,000? Alright, you'll have my check in the morning.

But get those tenants out by 6 o'clock tonight .. yes, all of them!

I'm taking over the place myself .. goodbye.

That'll fix him.

Well, my little bumble-bee and I are going back to Louisville.

How about the fare?

The fare?

I got forty-two dollars. Will that be enough?

It's all you got, ain't it? ─ It's all I've got.

Then it's enough.

Forty-two dollars? Why Daddy, we'll have to ride on the bus.

Yeah, and I never thought I'd see the day that a Barnaby would ride on a bus.

Here comes one now.

Boy .. if I never see you again, it will be soon enough for me.

I ought to shoot you down like a dog.

Those are my sentiments too. Goodbye and good luck.

Sir .. do you know who I am?

Colonel Barnaby. I've got 5,000 acres of the finest tobacco in all Christendom.

This is my daughter Sally. The prettiest girl in all of Kentucky.

She thought she married a millionaire, but he ain't got a penny.

Now boy, start this car and get us out of here before I shoot you down like a dog.

Hello pal. ─ Bill, what are you doing here?

I heard you were losing Greenhill Manor. I've come over to tell you I was sorry.

Thanks pal, I knew you wouldn't turn against me.

Not me. Pals is pals. I got some dough in the kitty. You want ..

No, no. I don't need anything.

Bill, I brought this all on myself.

I'm going to battle it through and start from the very bottom.

What do you mean? ─ I'm going to get a job.

You? You never worked in your life. ─ I'm going to have to get used to it.

I don't know what to do but I'm going to do something.

Where you going? Can I drive you somewhere?

No thanks Bill. I'll just take a little walk.

You sure you don't need something? ─ If I do, I'll call you.

Well don't forget, you know me. .. pals is pals.

Home James .. around the park and then home.

Well, I'm going to do something I never did before.

I give up. What are you going to do? ─ I'm going to go to work. ─ What?

Wait, don't say another word. I have to have a drink.

I knew it would knock you for a twister, but it's the truth.

Wonders never cease. I've known the Middletons over fifty years.

First time I ever heard of one going to work. ─ I'll set a precedent.

Well, you're going to work, eh? What on earth can you do?

That's where come in. You'll give me a job.

You're the President of the G&R Railroad aren't you? ─ Chairman of the board.

And you're responsible for every dollar they make.

You'll get a chance to put another feather in your cap.

This is going to be good. ─ You bet it is.

I went to a Radio Station.

And told them I know more about sport than anyone in America.

Did they believe you? ─ They agreed with me.

I told them I'd like to go on the air to cover sports: racing, boating, hockey.

Well, when do you start? ─ As soon as I get a sponsor.

And he's it! ─ That's why I'm here.

A railroad of the air? Whoever heard of it? ─ Nobody. You'll be first.

What can you say for a railroad?

Now that I've got a sponsor, I'll give you an audition .. come on.

Wait a minute. I have to change my clothes.

Wait, I've got to put my socks on.

And put your shoes on too. One on each foot.

I've got to have another drink of water. ─ You've had eight already.

My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. I can't help it, I'm nervous.

What are you nervous about? There is nobody here but you and me.

Look in that room. They're all listening in. Have you ever seen such faces?

Are you ready Mr Middleton? ─ Yes.

Here's the microphone. Step up to it please, don't be afraid. Step up.

Remember, this is for the honor of the family.

Quiet, young lady, quiet. We're about to start.

I introduce that well-known sportsman and playboy, Mr Townsend Middleton.

Stand by me. ─ "Well, you ready?"

Sure. ─ Go ahead.

Friends of Radio-Land, I'm going to cover the entire field of sports.

And I intend to do so with an unbiased viewpoint.

I'm going to do my best to be a sportsman.

That's why I've chosen for my first broadcast "sportsmanship".

What is "sportsmanship"? I'll tell you what it is.

It's fair play.

It's decency .. it's honesty.

If you play in a game or engage in a contest of any kind.

You can't always win. Someone has to lose, it may be you.

If a man doubts the honesty in sports, it's because he lacks sportsmanship.

And there is just as much sportsmanship in life as there is in sports.

Regardless of who wins, there will always be a few skeptics ready to cry "fake".

A man who doesn't like horses always attacks racing.

I've been an owner and a breeder for years, and I love it.

That's why I've chosen this as my first broadcast. I'm going to defend it.

This is my first subject: "Is racing honest"? I say it is.

"Wait a minute, that's alright. But what will you say about my railroad?"

"That's what I'm going to pay for." ─ Sit down .. sit down!

He'll talk about your railroad. Say something about his railroad.

What will I say? ─ Oh anything. Make it up.

When you travel on the G&R Railroad, you travel the safe way and the same way.

No matter when you go, or where you go, take the G&R.

Our slogan is "Comfort, Speed and Courtesy".

It makes no difference who you are, if you should wish to go afar.

Be sure you get aboard a car, that travels on the G&R.

Our dining-room is a symphony of snow-white linen and gleaming silver.

When you eat in the dining-car on the G&R, you enjoy every morsel of food.

Because it's tasty, it's delicious .. it's heavenly.

Why? Because it's the G&R. ─ That's it, that's it. That's great.

Who's got a contract? Get me a contract .. get me a contract, now.

I want to sign him up right away. Oh, wait a minute.

How much do they give these fellows for doing this?

Their salaries range from $500 to $5,000.

Alright .. I'll give you a $1,000 a week to start.

Is that enough?

I need another glass of water.

Bill .. for the first time in my life I begin to feel proud of Townsend.

How long has he been working now?

He's been broadcasting for 15 weeks. He's the most famous mouthpiece on the air.

Gee, it was a great description he gave of the fight the other night, wasn't it.

I loved it when he broadcast the hockey game. He made it sound so realistic.

He's getting a $1,000 a week now, Mr Middleton.

Will you stop talking about money. You sound like that Sally Barnaby.

Bad girl. Don't be mentioning her name.

I wonder what happened to the Colonel and his bee-loved daughter?

I guess they're down on that 5,000 acres of the finest tobacco in all Christendom.

So Townsend's getting $1,000 a week, and he's been on the air for 15 weeks.

Well .. he should have $15,000.

But I'll bet he hasn't a penny. ─ That's a bet you'll lose Mr Middleton.

I got a letter from him, he's in Chicago .. just listen to this.

"Dear Bill, I've just finished my fifteenth week on the radio."

"And I've got over $12,000 in a savings account."

"How's that for a guy who doesn't know how to handle money?"

"I will be in New York soon to broadcast the handicap."

"And tell Boots I hope I'll be able to announce that Black Mamba wins."

"Give my kindness to uncle Morton, and remember me to all the servants."

"By the way, I haven't heard a word from Sally and the Colonel since they left."

"Which is good news to me. Your old pal, Towny."

And here's one for you, Boots.

"P.S. Put your arms around Boots and give her a kiss for me."

You want me to pay it for him?

Sure. I'll be taking it direct or not at all.

[ door knocks ]

Come in.

Congratulations my son, congratulations!

We just heard about the fabulous salary you're getting.

We've come to take you back in to the bosom of our family.

We're going to show you how to save your money. You need a manager.

And I've come to look after your business.

Thanks .. but I've been doing pretty well looking after my own business.

Here's some business you overlooked. I'm going to make it my business.

"All my love" .. and he signed it.

What is it? What is it? ─ A love letter to Boots.

Give it to me, Honey.

Ha .. this ought to be worth $50,000.

I've never told you two what I really think of you. I'm going to tell you now.

You are both a couple of low, conniving swindlers.

You are my wife, I'm sorry to say. But I know I can buy you off, can't I.

Just as I thought.

That's all you want, just a little money. ─ Not so little.

Keep your mouth shut, or I'll throw you out .. now let me tell you something.

You caught me when I didn't know my left hand from my right. I was in a daze.

I didn't know about women. I don't know, but I know more than I did then.

I didn't propose to you, you proposed to me. And like a chump I fell for it.

The only reason you proposed to me was that you thought I had plenty of money.

Well, you were fooled, weren't you.

You too, you big bag of wind.

I ought to shoot you down like a dog. ─ Don't bluff me with that business.

The only thing you shoot is hot air and plenty of it.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you $10,000 to call it off .. give me a divorce.

We want twenty-five. ─ And not a penny less.

I said I'd give you ten.

Come on Daddy .. we'll fight this out in court.

This letter won't sound so good, when the jury hears it.

Maybe we should have taken the $10,000. Half a loaf is better than none.

We'll get what's coming to us .. leave it to me.

Leave it to you and we'll get nothing. ─ Don't worry Honey.

We'll get our share .. if we don't, I'll shoot him down like a dog.

Get me The Baldwin Detective Agency in Louisville.

What do you suppose he's doing?

You don't reckon he's had you followed and watched?

I told you to be careful.

Hello, is this The Baldwin Detective Agency?

This is Townsend Middleton speaking.

How many men did you have following Mrs Middleton?

Two? And that information is authentic?

You are sure .. and you've got photographs too.

That's fine. Send them to the Governor Hotel in Chicago .. thank you, goodbye.

I say we'd better take the $10,000. ─ Alright .. but let me do the talking.

[ door knocks ]

Come in.

Young man.

We got down in the lobby and we started talking the whole thing over.

And we decided we acted too hastily. ─ Is that so? ─ Yes.

We asked you before for $25,000.

And now we think the price is too steep .. what do you think?

I don't want to be unreasonable, Towny.

Now, you offered $10,000. We'll take it.

While you were down in the lobby I decided I'm not giving more than $5,000.

Well .. that ain't enough. ─ Go back to the lobby and think it over.

We couldn't accept $5,000, could we Sally? ─ By no means!

Second thoughts, I'm not even going to give you $5,000, I'll only give $2,500.

$2,500? Do you realize Sally has got to go to Reno? And I've got to go with her?

Come to think of it, you don't need $2,500.

She only needs six weeks in Reno to get a divorce.

At the Riverview Hotel you can get a room for 2 dollars a day.

4 dollars a day for both of you. That's 28 dollars a week. 6 weeks is ..

One hundred and twenty .. a hundred and .. sixty-eight.

200 dollars to take care of the food, that's 368 dollars.

Why, the railroad fare is 50 dollars apiece.

Why makes you think you go on a railroad? You got to Reno on a bus.

A bus? ─ A Barnaby on a bus?

Yeah, you know how it feels. You've been on one before.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you a $1,000, take it or leave it.

Young man .. I .. ─ We'll take it! ─ Okay.

A $1,000 isn't much, but it's worth that to get rid of him.

I thought you told me this fellow was a dumbo.

I thought he was, but I'm beginning to believe you are.

I'll trouble you for that letter.

What's that?

"In full consideration for all past, present and future claims .."

"That I may have against Townsend Middleton for support and maintenance."

What does this mean?

It means that he and I are no longer married.

Young man, if you ever come to Kentucky. ─ I know, you'll shoot me down like a dog.

"I'm watching the Army and Navy game and it's the last minute of play."

"The Army's on the Navy's ten-yard line and there they go."

"The ball is passed. Looks like a forward pass .. it is."

"Brewster has the ball, he drops back and throws it over the line and .."

"O'Hanlon knocks it down. That was an attempt to pass from Brewster to Casey."

"And there is the gun. The Navy wins six-to-nothing."

"Townsend Middleton speaking. Hope you'll be with me tomorrow at the big handicap."

"The favorite is Black Mamba. If you don't mind me saying, I hope she wins."

"In case you are thinking of going to the race, don't forget to use the G&R."

"It's the safe way and the same way."

"We will now hear the Navy band.!

Bill. ─ Yes, sir? ─ That's my nephew.

Yeah, and he's my pal. ─ And he's my friend.

And you know something .. I now believe he's the best broadcaster in the world.

He sure is. ─ He's got a voice as smooth as silk.

You said it. All warm and wide. ─ Here's those reporters.

Hey, well what is this? A photographer's convention?

No, sir. We've come to interview you about tomorrow's handicap. Who will win?

How do I know? I'm no mind-reader.

We know you're not, but you've a horse in the race. You must know something.

You're mistaken. He doesn't know a thing about it.

No, I don't know anything about it. All I know is I've got a horse in the race.

But I don't know who'll win, do I? ─ No sir, but ..

I do so! Black Mamba's going to win. That's who is going to win.

And don't forget, Townsend Middleton will broadcast the race. He's my nephew.

Townsend Middleton? Oh, he's settled down, hasn't he.

I should say he has. He works for a living now.

And he gets a $1,000 a week. ─ Good for him.

But what we want to know is .. have you shipped Black Mamba to the track?

I should say not. I'm taking her down there myself, in a van.

Bill, you're a great driver. This is it.

Come on uncle Morton, I'll help you out. ─ I don't want help. I'll get off myself.

Alright, alright. I was only trying to be polite.

Polite. That's why I fired my nurse, she was too polite.

Always helping me do something when there was nothing to do.

Polite people make me sick.

Did you get off the wagon safely? ─ Of course I did.

What do you think I am, an invalid? ─ Sorry.

Don't be sorry .. Bill, get me a dozen hot-dogs and bring them to my box.

A dozen? ─ Yes, a dozen!

And if you want any, you get some for yourself. ─ Okay.

Black Mamba .. you are running in the Middleton silks.

And I want you to run like you've never run before.

She'll do her best, she's as sound as a dollar .. I think she'll win.

You think she'll win .. I hate people who think .. I know she'll win.

"Here we are in Maryland folks. It's a beautiful day for a beautiful race."

"Horses are on their way to the post. They'll be off in a few moments."

"Ladies and gentlemen."

"The winner of this race will be the finest 3-year old in America."

"Number 12 coming through the gate now is Black Mamba."

"Owned my Morton Middleton the multi-millionaire."

"Let's take a look at the odds."

"Irish Maid and Southern Master are well placed."

But it's that little filly Black Mamba with best odds.

They're all nervous, but it's Black Mamba who broke out."

"She's a temperamental filly but she'll be alright."

"They're putting her back in the stall now. They're all straight."

"And they're off!"

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on Black Mamba!

Watch that horse!

Hold the place! Hold!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

She's doing it!

I don't know who won this race, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll have to wait for a photograph. It was a photograph finish.

Surely, Black Mamba won by that much!

That much? Why she won by that much!

Bill, how much did she win by? ─ That much.

We'll know when they look at the photos if it was Black Mamba or Irish Maid.

It's tight, but I think Black Mamba won. ─ It looked like Irish Maid to me.

Too close for my eyes. ─ Too close for mine too.

But the camera sees everything.

Ha! Photographs!

Since when have you had to look at a photograph to know who won a horse-race?

And those judges .. they're crazy.

Here comes the picture now.

Number 12, Black Mamba. ─ Just by a whisker.

Irish Maid is second and Fancy Free third.

"Number 12 .. 5 .. and 3."

There it is! The number! We've won!

Of course we've won! You can't fool those photographs.

No, you can't fool those judges either. ─ No, I should say not.

Why, those are the finest judges in the world.

The race winner was Black Mamba.

I'll get to the owner and see if he wants to say a few words to me.

I'm proud to say, he's my uncle.

Uncle Morton, will you say a few words?

No, I won't say a few words. You know how I feel about you.

Come on uncle, forget how you feel. ─ I'll do no such thing.

You just won the greatest race of the year. You're not sore at me are you?

You've been a bad boy for 20 years, you expect me to forgive you in a minute?

Yes I do.

Alright I will. Give me the microphone, I'll say a few words.

Ladies and gentlemen .. well. I haven't anything to say.

Here Boots, you say something. ─ Sure, I'll say something.

I'm very happy that Black Mamba won the race, as I'm the trainer of the horse.

But I don't really deserve any credit.

The real credit belongs to Mr Townsend Middleton, who bred the horse.

A little correction. Miss O'Connell gave me the credit for winning this race.

She's wrong. Only person to get credit is Miss O'Connell for training the horse.

And I'll try and get Mr Middleton to say a few words. Come on.

Alright, I'll say something. Ladies and gentlemen, all I have to say is ..

I don't know how to make a speech. I know some words, but can't think of any.

Here Bill, you say something. ─ Hello anybody!

We want you to know we're glad Mamba won. And we think she was very lucky.

Luck had nothing to do with it. Mamba was the best horse and ran a great race.

Boots O'Connell was the trainer. She's the sweetest little trainer I ever saw.

And it won't surprise me if Boots and Townsend were married in the future.

Boots, if I asked you to do me a favor, would you do it?

I might. What's the favor?

Will you marry me?

I don't know what to say. ─ I do .. I was right!

Boots O'Connell and my nephew Townsend, will be married in the very near future.

And I invite you all to the wedding.

Hey, you know what you've done? You've invited 60 million people. ─ I know.

Don't forget folks, you all to come to the wedding and bring all your friends.

What do you say Boots? Will you marry me?

Sure .. I don't want to be disappointing sixty million people.

And their friends.

t-g