All language subtitles for Red Dwarf s10e06 The Beginning.eng

Next up, an experiment
to measure peer pressure.

How much is the individual

influenced by the group?

Seeing as Arnold Rimmer's late,

the subject of this experiment
can be him. When he finally

does us the honour of turning up,

I shall ask you a set of questions

and want you to answer accordingly.

First day of term and I'm late!

So embarrassing. He'll kill me.

Ahh!

Mr Rimmer!

I hope we haven't inconvenienced you
too much by starting on time.

Sorry, Father.

I'm "Father" outside college.

Inside college, I'm "sir"
or "Lecturer Rimmer", understand?

Yes, Father.

I mean, sir.

So embarrassing.

We're just about
to run through a few questions

as part of psy profiling.

OK,

take a look at this colour.

Is it purple, blue or green?

Hands up, purple.

Hands up, blue.

Green.

A fallopian tube
is a musical instrument.

True or false?

True?

What's the answer
to this piece of arithmetic?

You kills my brother.

Hm?

Oh, you got the wrong quarters, bud.
You want Lister.

That's two floors down, second on
the right, fourth on the left.

Night!

You kills my brother.

One floor down, sir.

Elevator at the end of the hallway.

You kills my brother.

Oh, smeg off, Rimmer.
I'm tryin' to sleep, man.

You kills my brother.
No, I didn't.

Oh, yes, you did!

No, I smeggin' didn't!

I are here to challenge
theys who kills my brother

to a duel to the ungonising death.

I will give you five of your
Earth minutes and then...

I will pursue you across space
unto the end of time itself.

I will not rest until you are
chokin' on your own warm blood.

Sounds fair to me.

Butt out, Rimmer.
Don't encourage him.

Do you accept the challenge, humo,
a duel across time and space?

No! Why?

Hogey, you are always doing this -
picking fights

and then challenging us to duels
across time and space.

No, I not. Yes, you are.

No, I not.

Yes, you smeggin' are!

You rogue droids are obsessed with
duels across time and space.

You eesult my kind,

saying we are obsessed with duels
across time and space.

I therefore challenge you
to a duel across time and space.

I will give you five of your...

No duels across time and space.

Why?!

Look, at first, it was fun,

it distracted us from being
stuck in deep space,

no...way of getting back home.

But we're all duelled out -
our duelling days are over.

Duellos annonos.

Oh, please! No!

I will give you a leetle start.

No! But we are in deep space.

It's light years from anywhere.

There be nothing else to do.

You think I don't know that?

So, how we going to keep from
going crazy?

For you, my friend,
it's way too late.

How about a ping-pong marathon?

Get a few buddies together.

Rogue nutters versus the Dwarfers.

We already do that.

You guys, you always win.

Crazy golf, then,
the botanical gardens.

We'll give you a shot a hole.

Oh, yeah, like we stand a chance.

What's wrong with that?!

You be knowing all the burrows,

how to get in and out
the little windmills.

What else?

All right, tell you what.

A cooking contest.

Who can bake the most delicious
cake - we'll thrash you.

Not if it a choux pastry, you won't.

Ooh, choux pastry.
Big words, my demented friend.

What are we playing for?

If I win...
-Oh...

..a duel across time and space.
But if you win,

a great treasure, the likes of which
you have never seen.

A piece of old cloth?!
No, thanks, we've already got one.

Hey, it's a map.

A map the likes of which
you have never seen.

Everything's the likes of which
you've never seen with him.

Do you doubt me? I'm just sayin',

you'd be surprised the likes of which
we have seen.

Don't be so quick to say everything's
the likes of which we haven't seen.

We've seen things the likes of which
you probably haven't seen yourself.

Is that a challenge?

No duels!

The map, it show
everything in this galaxy -

every wormhole,
every derelict, every planet.

Where d'you get this?

I steal from a Simulant Death Ship.

Hm, you don't want to mess with
those guys. They're deranged.

Once you cross them,

they hunt you down.

Not me. I steal while they slumber.

I clever as a hedgehog.

Look out!

The hull's cracked!

Sorry to intrude, sir.

Is now a good time
to clean your quarters?

Certainly looks like
it could do with a good tidy.

Oh! Sorry, sir, I didn't realise
you had company.

I'll rework my schedule.

Sorry to intrude again, sir.

When is a good time for my lesson
on human modes of speech?

Oh, now's an excellent time, Kryten.

Come in, take a seat.

Oh, what fun, sir!
That's sarcasm, right?

You see?
I am getting the hang of it!

There's a ship outside!
They're attacking us!

He's sealed the crack.
We've got to get out of here.

We can't just leave him! Watch me.

What's that? Oh, nothing.

Look, I'll be back. I don't know how,
I don't know when. You abandon me?

Then I have no choice.

I challenge you to a duel...

Oh, what's the point?

What the hell's going on?
Who's doing this?

Kryten, scan the local vicinity
for any anomalous energy patterns.

Everything's down, sir.
We're on EPS. Trying to reboot.

So, let me get this right.

We're being attacked by somethin'
but we don't know what,

and there's no way
of finding out what's out there?

I have a suggestion, sirs. What?

How about we look out of the window?

Sometimes the old ways
are the best ways.

Do it.

What, me, sir? On my own?

Of course on your own.

I love solo missions!
I'm on my way, sir.

Would you like a written report,
sir, or under these circumstances,

would a verbal account suffice?

Get on with it, man!
What's out there?

A rogue Simulant Death Ship, sir.

A Death Ship?

Yes, sir. Should we be concerned?

Concern would be an entirely
appropriate response

under these circumstances, sir.

What d'you think they want?

Although the Death Ship

didn't indicate the exact nature
of their business, sir,

I'm guessing
it's something a bit...deathy.

They must have been
tracking Hogey.

Finding us is just a bonus.
Simulants!

These are the guys
who despise humans, right?

The ones who won't rest till they've
annihilated every single one.

Correct, sir.
Not me, then. Excellent!

I'll be in the rec room,

reading this month's copy
of I'm OK! Magazine.

Make no mistake, sir - they will see
us all as Mr Lister's lieutenants.

They will show us no mercy.

Death Ships are captained
by special berserker generals

who've been crossbred

to create an insane
biomechanical entity...

of pure evil.

My Dominator, forgive me,
I implore you.

The Earth one remains alive.

Forgiveness is a human quality,
Chancellor.

It has no meaning
to a Simulant general.

You know what you must do.

Ooh.

Nuhh.

Uhh!

Ohh! Uh.

Firstly...

polish my Sword of Spite...

...as a punishment
for your idiocy...

Polish?

Yes. Polish.

As a punishment
for your idiocy. Secondly...

Just polish? Yes, just polish!

Secondly...

write me a formal letter of
apology.

So, you just want me to polish
your sword and write a letter?

Yes.

Nothing else? Nothing else.

So, you don't want me to, er...
ooh, I don't know, er,

commit hari-kari or anything?

Of course not!

Well, sir, that wasn't made
very clear.

Er, when you slid the sword
across the table,

I naturally assumed you wanted me
to commit hari-kari.

No, I do not!
Oh, I know that now, sir.

Before, though, it was just...
you know, it was a bit ambiguous.

Er...

I think a new system is in order.

I'm going to go now, sir.

Er... My Dominator,

thank you.

Ooh.

Uhh.

Oh, Chancellor.

You do have a tendency
to jump to conclusions.

Let this be a little lesson to you.

Oh.

Oh...

That bit looks important.

Hang on, hang on.

Do you know how to work that?

It's got lots of different settings,
but yeah.

Thought not.
What the hell just happened?

What the hell is this thing?

It's a wibbly gun.

It makes things go all...

..wibblified.

It appears to destabilise

the molecular structure
of solid objects, sir.

His version was clearer.
Come on. Cargo bay.

Let's get to Blue Midget and CB3.

Rimmer, what is that?

It's a holo-lamp, isn't it, sir?
It plays holo-messages.

My father gave it to me
when I was a boy.

He told me to play it
the day I become an officer

and join the Space Corps,
the day I become a somebody.

So, never been played, right?

And it shan't be until
I'm an officer. Come on, let's go!

Death Ship and three Annihilators
at six o'clock, sirs.

Question. Can we stay ahead
of them?

Only if we have enough fuel, sir.
Two, maybe three hours.

Asteroid field 80 clicks west.
Maybe offer some cover.

I'm taking her in.

According to the readouts,
quadrant two, vector four.

We can hide in that asteroid.
Take us in!

My Dominator, I am afraid
the human insurgents have escaped.

Er, they've flown into
an asteroid field.

That is totally unacceptable!

I agree, My Dominator. The security
forces have been shambolic.

Those responsible should be agonised.
I-I agree also.

And I. And I.

And I. And I also.

Oh, I refuse to be surrounded
by these toadying sycophants!

I agree, My Dominator.
I agree also.

And I. And I.

And I. And I also.

I want each member of my council
to think for themselves,

not just agree with my every word
and whim

out of some pathetic boot-trembling
terror for self-preservation.

Question my judgements!

Debate me, yeah?

Only then will we be truly strong.

Dominator, that simply isn't true.

I mean, the last person to
contradict you was... Kill him.

What?! Do you see what I mean?

Now, find the ship!

Ow...

It appears they've surrounded
the asteroid belt

and are sending in probes
to locate our position.

It's only a matter of time
before they find us.

So, what's our next move?

Shall I go slip into something
more appropriate,

like, say, a coffin?

Is that it? We're all going to die?

Well, YOU'RE all going to die.

I'm already dead.

I had the sense
to get dying out of the way early.

For years, you mocked me.
Not laughing now, are you?

Oh, yeah, cos being dead
is such an advantage here(!)

It is an advantage.
How's it an advantage?

I was killed instantly, Lister -
painless, quick and stylish.

"What's that
coming down the corridor?

"Ooh, it looks like
a radiation leak." Wham, dead.

Not perfect, I'll grant you,
but at least it wasn't embarrassing.

Embarrassing?
No weeping, getting hysterical.

Not one of those deaths

where you lose control
of your bodily functions,

your bowels clearing
all over the place.

At least my death was dignified.

I'd hardly call yelling,
"Mummy, Mummy," dignified.

Lister, I didn't yell,
"Mummy, Mummy."

No, you didn't have the time.
You just yelled, "Mu..."

Please, sirs, this is very bad
for morale. I can't believe

you're arguing about
who's going to have the best death!

I'm only trying to help, give you
some advice on how to die nicely.

You want to die twice, keep talking.
Please, sir!

He's right. We're all getting crazy.

We need to chill.

You're right.

We've been in these situations
before, we always find a way out.

Like the time that highly
corrosive micro-organism

almost destroyed Red Dwarf.

The highly corrosive micro-organism,
exactly!

We got out of that one.

Yeah, thanks to me.

Oh, sir! You cannot claim the credit
for that.

It was a total fluke. Fluke?

You think that was an accident,
the way I...? Ssh!

What's that?

Something's coming into
the asteroid.

It's a probe. It's approaching
half a click east.

Switch out all the lights.

Good thinking!
They'll think we're all out.

If things get really tricky,
we'll get Kryten to open the airlock

and tell 'em we've moved.

It seems to be backing off, sir.

They're coming back.

Look, we've got to get a battleplan -
astro-nav space-school stuff.

Rimmer, is that something
you could handle?

Pardon?

Is that something you can handle?!

The responsibility of coming up with
a battle plan?

All that strategy stuff.

Why me?

Cos you're into military strategy!

If it was a curry-eating competition
to the death, it'd be me.

If it was a towel-folding
competition to the death...

That would be me!

Phuw, phuw,
phuw-phuw-phuw-phuw.

Phuw-phuw-phuw.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.

I'd win that one, sir.

And what kind of competition
to the death

would it have to be
before you chose me?

So, moving on... Er...
Can you do it?

Yes, of course I can do it.

Obviously.

You don't sound very confident.

I'm very confident.

I've waited my whole life
for this moment.

Command of my own ship in a battle
against overwhelming odds?

It's your moment of destiny.

Right. I'll just...

make my way into the...supply room
and think of a plan, then.

It'll be just like taking an exam.

I can do this.

Sir, surely
there must be an alternative.

If there was, Kryten,
we'd be doing it.

-We're smegged.

Any joy, sir?

Not yet, no.

I'm still at the "can't think
of a plan" stage.

Well, I don't know
if this will help, sir,

but I've done a ship-wide search

and collated all the weapons
we have on board ship, sir.

Good, Kryten. I was just about
to suggest that myself.

Two forks and a pencil sharpener?!

Now, there is a rumour that there's
a stick and some string, sir.

But I don't want
to raise false hopes.

There is, of course,
Hogey's molly D.

The molecular destabiliser. Mm.

I'll leave it with you, sir.

Ehh!

They're driving me crazy,
cooped up in there.

Thought I'd take a break
and come in here!

Oww!

I love the string game!

Have you thought of your plan yet?

You can't think of anything,
can you?

I just love the string game!
You know why?

Because you're an idiotic cat?

No. Why you can't think of a plan,
dummy?

Because you're driving me crazy,
that's why. Uh-uh.

There's a demon
messing up your head.

Yes, you! No.

Your father.

My father's dead.

No way, non-bud.

His worthless, skinny ass
lives on inside you,

freezing your soul with fear.

How do you know all this?

Do you think awesome good looks

and rock-hard pecs are
my only qualities?

I'm a cat.

I sense things.

You gotta nail that demon
and kick his sorry ass outta town.

How? The only thing keeping him
alive is you.

You're never going to win over

that dude's approval.
Give it up! Let it go.

Hey!

Look how it's moving!

I lo-ove the string game!

Stop moving!

Anythin'?

Nothing.

What you doing?

I'm going to play this.
Your father's message?

But why, sir?
If I play it

before I've become the person
he wanted me to become,

it means I don't care
what he thinks any more.

It means...

I'm free of him.

Arnold, it's me.

If you're playing this message,
it means

you're an officer
in the Space Corps.

You've achieved your dreams,

you're a man of
significance and substance,

so this won't matter to you now.

Arnold,

I'm not your father.

But that's impossible.
It's not true!

Look inside yourself
and you will know I speak the truth.

Your father wasn't me.

It was Dungo, our gardener.

But he was a babbling imbecile!

A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly
falls into beautiful place.

Know from now on

your family line isn't made up of
Austrian princes and French royalty,

but of lame-brained artisans
and pram-faced trollops.

I didn't tell you before

because I didn't want it
to affect your self-esteem.

But now you've achieved
all your dreams,

it doesn't matter a jot.

Goodbye, Arnold.

And good luck.

PS - naturally, I won't be sending
you any more birthday presents.

This is the worst thing
that can happen.

Mr Rimmer's always had a huge ego
and no self-confidence.

Now his ego's smaller than a pixie's
right nut after an icy bath.

Well, you know, he thought
he came from

a military family, high-flyers,

success ingrained
in the very core of their DNA.

Now he discovers
he's no better than me.

What a nightmare.

I think I've got something.

What? How?

I've been thinking.

If Dungo...

I mean Dennis...

I mean Dad...

were here now, he'd be so proud.

Second Technician in the JMC,
senior officer in a mining ship,

and I don't smell of manure.

Suddenly, I don't have
that voice in my head

telling me I'm useless
at everything.

I have a new voice
telling me how proud he is.

I can think,

and I think I've got a plan.

It's crap!

I have to admit, sir,
I'm not entirely convinced myself.

I thought it was quite clever.

Let's take a vote.
Who's against?

'Take a look at this colour.

'Is it purple, blue or green?

'Fallopian tube is a musical
instrument. True or false?

'True?'

It'll work! Jujitsu-style!

Use the might of your opponent
against himself!

Are you quite sure, sir?

We have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

Apart from pain.

And maybe humiliation.

And obviously death and failure.

But apart from fear, pain,

humiliation, failure,
the unknown and death,

we have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

Who's with me?

I know I need to work harder
on that fear speech,

it wasn't quite as rousing
as it should be, but...

we can do this.

He's right! Let's do it.

Let's do it! Come on! Come on!

Get your butts in the air and
let's go! Yeah!

Kryten, bring them forks -
we might need them.

There, My Dominator.

They're emerging from the meteor.
Mm.

How's it looking?
Is it all going to plan?

Nothing in sight, sir.

Oh.

We're surrounded.
Twelve o'clock,

nine o'clock, six o'clock,
three o'clock.

The Death Ship
and three Annihilators.

Keep them in line -
it's absolutely crucial.

Right, open comm channels.
Here goes. Open, sir.

This is Second Technician
Arnold J Rimmer

of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Under Treaty 5
of the Geneva Convention,

we claim the freedoms and privileges
of prisoners of war.

Ha!

Load the photon mutilators. Mm.

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

We're surrendering.

Mutilators loaded,
Your Excellency.

You can't open fire
on a surrendering ship.

That's a scandalous breach
of the niceties of battle.

All ships, prepare to fire,
on my orders.

Right! You're on report,
m'laddo.

Fire!

Blow us up all you like,

but don't think for one second
you're getting away with it.

A letter worded in the
strongest possible language

is going off to Geneva.

Now, I'm not going to ask you again.

Abort your attack.

Right, that's it.

"Dear sir...

"I was scandalised earlier today
by a Simulant Death Ship

"which contravened Treaty 5
of the Geneva Convention."

Impact - 16 seconds.

It's the way of all things.

You live, you die.

But sometimes you live, you die,

and then you live again.

I know. I've done it myself.

Now!

They've destabilised their
whole ship, all four bulkheads.

-Look out!

Our own torpedoes
are on a collision course, Sire.

Under Treaty 5
of the Geneva Convention,

we claim the freedoms and privileges
of prisoners of war!

Sorry, I missed that. Pardon?

Good job, sirs.
Hell of a job.

You know what this makes me?

A working-class hero.

Working-class hero,
you and me both.

Kryten...

set a course for Red Dwarf.

The slime's coming home.

? It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

? I'm all alone, more or less

? Let me fly far away from here

? Fun, fun, fun

? In the sun, sun, sun

? I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose

? Drinking fresh mango juice

? Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes

? Fun, fun, fun

? In the sun, sun, sun

? Fun, fun, fun

? In the sun, sun, sun. ?

What did I tell ya?
We got out of that OK.

Just like we got out of that thing

with the highly corrosive
micro-organism.

Once again, Big Arn saves the day.
Oh, please, sir!

Can we sort this out
once and for all?

Just because you happened...

You kills my brother.

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