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SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC
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_
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When I was wee,
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and we'd be out in the car
and we'd pass a wedding,
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00:00:36,010 --> 00:00:40,929
a church or outside a registry
office, my mum would, without fail,
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00:00:40,930 --> 00:00:43,978
slow down, roll down
her window and shout out,
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00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:46,229
"Don't do it, you mad fools!"
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00:00:48,150 --> 00:00:51,659
In retrospect, I think she was
still processing her feelings about
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00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:54,379
the divorce, but we just
thought it was funny.
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00:00:54,380 --> 00:00:56,729
Every time! Really funny.
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00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:00,569
Though not if you were a...
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00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,179
... reluctant bride with acute hearing.
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00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,149
Such incidents bred in me a suspicion,
14
00:01:09,150 --> 00:01:12,899
a certain uncertainty towards marriage.
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Towards men.
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00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:20,119
Towards making promises
amid pomp and circumstance.
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Towards institutions and the done thing.
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What one ought and what one not.
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Oh, my scepticism is a rich inheritance.
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00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,959
The family fortune
from my mother's side.
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But here I am...
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... which is why I
have to get this right.
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Which starts with getting THIS right.
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All those Jaffa Cakes inhaled for
inspiration can't have died in vain.
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HE CLEARS THROAT
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00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,609
Once upon a time, a plucky young man
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went on an adventure miles from home.
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00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:05,169
In a magical kingdom in a far-away land,
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00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:08,252
he met a handsome prince
who spent all his days
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bringing joy to the lives of others.
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One night, at a ball
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00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:17,309
where all the beautiful people
in the kingdom had gathered,
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the handsome prince spoke to the
man who was minding his own business
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while desperately trying to get
served at a bar where, yet again,
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he had forgotten to take off
his cloak of invisibility.
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So kind was the prince that he
bought the plucky young man a drink.
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And so gracious was the man that
he asked the prince to dance.
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And the dance was so entrancing
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that everyone else in the room vanished.
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The world stopped spinning and
it was just the man and the prince
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00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,299
in each other's arms
on top of the world...
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... with only Lady Gaga for company.
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Now THERE'S a threesome!
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HE CACKLES
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Pause for applause, wild
applause, possibly some cheering.
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Obviously, if I fill in a few details,
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the magic of the story may pale,
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as magic often does when
you see its mechanics.
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The adventure was a
fortnight in Florida.
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The ball was a club playing Bad Romance.
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The plucky young man was...
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... youngish.
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00:03:27,210 --> 00:03:29,739
And the prince wasn't a prince at all,
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00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:33,299
but another plucky young man
on an adventure of his own.
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00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:37,418
That his adventure was working on
a roller-coaster in a theme park
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gets bonus OMG points in my mind,
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but then I've always
loved roller-coasters.
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Real and emotional.
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Lest you hadn't noticed.
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Of course, this story isn't like
the fairy tales I was raised on.
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No horse-drawn pumpkins,
way too many homosexuals.
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I do have a story about
three bears, but NSFAJ.
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00:04:03,826 --> 00:04:05,185
Not Suitable For Auntie Janice.
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00:04:06,776 --> 00:04:08,135
Nor anybody else, mind you.
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00:04:10,106 --> 00:04:14,605
No, people like me didn't feature
in the stories I was told growing up.
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Felt as if I didn't exist.
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Even if there were characters like me,
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00:04:19,666 --> 00:04:22,805
they were Hall of Mirrors
distortions that made me feel like
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I didn't want to exist.
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00:04:28,016 --> 00:04:29,985
I had a go at ending
my existence back then.
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But I was as good at
suicide as I was at physics,
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so I lived and learnt.
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It's painful to be invisible in
other people's stories, but there is
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a sliver of liberation.
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You can tell your own story.
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You can author your own life.
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There's no script to stick to...
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... which is fucking terrifying.
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And quite exciting.
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And fucking terrifying.
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Not that scripts can't be quite useful.
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For me and my people...
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Oh, my God! My people?
84
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For me and other gay people, we
now have the opportunity, the right,
85
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to have the fairy tale wedding
that others have always had.
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Even just for a day,
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we can be handsome princes
and/or/and beautiful princesses.
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Though inevitably,
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some of us will end up more Princess
Margaret than Kate Middleton.
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We, the gays, can now tell,
out loud and proud, our stories.
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And everyone... yes, even you,
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Auntie Becky, who told me I
was making my life difficult
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with my "choice"... to be gay...
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... has a better life because of it.
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00:06:04,016 --> 00:06:05,422
Me having the right to get married
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doesn't take anything
away from anyone else.
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Rights aren't like cake.
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00:06:11,566 --> 00:06:13,395
Me having some doesn't
mean you get less.
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And speaking of cake...
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Too wordy? Too wordy?
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Too twee? Too angry? Am I angry?
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Maybe I should start a fight.
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Set fire to something.
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Uncle Frank, perhaps.
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Bloody straights!
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Not only do they go around
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shoving their lifestyle
down everyone's throats,
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but they've also exhausted
every aspect of getting married,
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00:06:44,756 --> 00:06:47,665
made every possible
choice, and to a cliché!
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And only now, when it's on its
last legs, do they wheel in the gays
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for a vital refresh after all this time.
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Hardly any time at all.
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00:07:01,256 --> 00:07:03,975
Not just a big day, but monumental.
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00:07:05,896 --> 00:07:09,555
Part of me wants the formality
and frivolity over and done with
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00:07:09,556 --> 00:07:11,385
so life can get back to "normal".
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Another part of me wants to
live in perpetual anticipation...
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00:07:18,836 --> 00:07:21,975
... in the thrall of
the imminent thrill.
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And another part of me wonders
if it's a good idea at all.
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Even in victory, you lose something.
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The feeling of...
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... being the rebel...
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... the subversive, the outlaw.
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I know! Never happy with what I've got.
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Until him.
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I personally have no reservations,
no nerves, no niggles,
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no last-minute jitters,
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00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:04,125
no brief or lengthy reconsiders
for the love before this one,
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00:08:04,126 --> 00:08:06,745
or for my first, or for
the one that got away,
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00:08:06,746 --> 00:08:08,385
or the one that required an escape.
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00:08:09,846 --> 00:08:13,175
Not even for my great
unrequited who might have...
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... if I'd asked.
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Nope.
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The answer to the proverbial
question when popped
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was never going to be no.
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00:08:23,856 --> 00:08:26,675
It's at moments like this you
realise, despite your best efforts,
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00:08:26,676 --> 00:08:29,855
you've still been indoctrinated
with old-fashioned, romantic,
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sentimental ideas of what
love is and how it plays out.
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00:08:32,856 --> 00:08:35,295
I read it described once in a book
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as having fairy tales
stuck in your innards.
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00:08:40,876 --> 00:08:42,935
Love is a sentimental tapeworm.
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00:08:47,576 --> 00:08:50,255
Sometimes, I still can't
believe I'm having a wedding.
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Getting married's one
thing, but a wedding? Ha-ha!
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And a wedding of this size!
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A wedding we technically cannot afford.
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A wedding at which
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00:08:59,574 --> 00:09:02,274
I'm already having an issue
with the table decorations.
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00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,815
From Auntie Sheila.
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00:09:05,516 --> 00:09:07,417
She normally buys them
half-price in the January sales
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00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:09,235
for the following
Christmas. Only, this year,
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00:09:09,236 --> 00:09:12,235
she decided my getting married
was a special enough occasion
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00:09:12,236 --> 00:09:15,805
to get them out six months
early. A special enough occasion!
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00:09:17,916 --> 00:09:20,915
And the fact that she's not sure
she'll be around come Christmas,
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00:09:20,916 --> 00:09:21,945
her bowels...
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00:09:23,166 --> 00:09:24,195
... being what they are.
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00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:28,555
All I care about is they
don't pull focus today.
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00:09:28,556 --> 00:09:30,145
The bowels, not the crackers.
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00:09:30,146 --> 00:09:31,785
These crackers were only from Asda.
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00:09:34,086 --> 00:09:36,475
But let's not get entangled
in Auntie Sheila's innards.
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00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:41,873
Marriage... an institution for the insane
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to which you commit
yourself voluntarily.
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For those that won't commit
or submit, those that can't,
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won't or don't fit...
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... there are other institutions.
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Asylums and prisons, say.
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00:09:55,416 --> 00:09:58,085
In the end, we all find our place,
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or are put in it. The kitchen,
the bedroom, the attic, the cellar,
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00:10:03,946 --> 00:10:05,025
the cemetery.
168
00:10:07,036 --> 00:10:10,605
I read The Handmaid's Tale at
school. It was very illuminating.
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00:10:10,606 --> 00:10:11,865
I loved school!
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00:10:11,866 --> 00:10:14,965
Well, I loved learning.
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00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:17,215
Could have done without
the relentless bullying,
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00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:19,795
having the shit kicked out
of me on a weekly basis.
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And kids I didn't even know
shouting across the playground at me,
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"Die of Aids, you fucking poofter!"
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Children... so adorable.
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You can't really blame them.
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Little pitchers. What gets
poured in gets poured out.
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00:10:35,546 --> 00:10:40,555
And what got poured in then was
Section 28, Tory family values,
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00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:44,915
the gay plague and EastBenders
on the front of The Sun
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00:10:44,916 --> 00:10:47,405
because I was the danger, me!
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I never felt that, of course.
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I wish I'd felt dangerous.
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00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:52,045
What I felt was anxious.
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00:10:53,406 --> 00:10:57,385
Fearful, most of the time,
forever poised for fight or flight.
185
00:10:57,386 --> 00:10:59,515
Needing to read every room in an instant
186
00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:00,995
to assess the potential threats,
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00:11:00,996 --> 00:11:05,735
who the alphas were, who to
avoid and who to make an ally.
188
00:11:09,156 --> 00:11:11,125
From that,
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00:11:11,126 --> 00:11:14,455
the last one left
standing, unpicked at PE,
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00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:17,595
the saddo sitting out the school
disco slow dances because he
191
00:11:17,596 --> 00:11:19,885
couldn't wrap his arms
round the one he wanted,
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00:11:19,886 --> 00:11:22,135
the teenager looking for love
193
00:11:22,136 --> 00:11:25,605
in pissy public toilets
and parks after dark...
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... to this.
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00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:31,185
Respectability.
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00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:33,955
Propriety.
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00:11:35,926 --> 00:11:36,955
Decorum.
198
00:11:40,186 --> 00:11:42,065
Perhaps everyone has their price...
199
00:11:44,736 --> 00:11:47,136
... and maybe mine is measured
in crockery and cookware
200
00:11:47,137 --> 00:11:48,715
on a John Lewis gift list.
201
00:11:52,656 --> 00:11:58,145
Or maybe it's measured
in love and loving,
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00:11:58,146 --> 00:12:01,795
from spoonfuls to right big buckets.
203
00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:05,405
And what I learnt about love, first
and foremost, I learnt from Liza.
204
00:12:06,385 --> 00:12:08,684
Oh, my lovely mum, not Ms Minnelli.
205
00:12:08,685 --> 00:12:10,934
Although... terrific!
206
00:12:13,985 --> 00:12:15,352
There was this one time
207
00:12:15,353 --> 00:12:17,874
when I got really badly
beaten up by Grant Smiley
208
00:12:17,875 --> 00:12:21,854
at the swings and Mum went round
to his house like a pocket tornado.
209
00:12:21,855 --> 00:12:24,954
She ripped strips off Grant's mum
and scared the bejesus out of him.
210
00:12:24,955 --> 00:12:26,964
He steered well clear after that.
211
00:12:28,375 --> 00:12:30,154
Smiley's not so smiley then.
212
00:12:32,875 --> 00:12:36,114
Knights in shining armour
come in all shapes and sizes.
213
00:12:36,115 --> 00:12:38,734
Mine was five foot nothing
in her stocking soles.
214
00:12:41,735 --> 00:12:43,362
I remember Mum having to decide whether
215
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,784
to buy a pint of milk or a loaf of bread
216
00:12:44,785 --> 00:12:46,424
because we couldn't afford both...
217
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,294
... but I never remember having to
choose between love and laughter.
218
00:12:53,785 --> 00:12:55,234
We had both in abundance.
219
00:12:56,695 --> 00:12:58,894
Some shouting, too, admittedly.
220
00:12:59,925 --> 00:13:01,984
OK, a lot of shouting.
221
00:13:01,985 --> 00:13:04,514
Some screaming even,
maybe, occasionally.
222
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:06,724
But mostly...
223
00:13:08,645 --> 00:13:12,164
... overwhelmingly, love.
224
00:13:15,865 --> 00:13:17,784
When I told her that
I'd met a man on holiday
225
00:13:17,785 --> 00:13:20,644
and he worked in a theme
park, she didn't bat an eyelid.
226
00:13:20,645 --> 00:13:23,326
When I brought him home, she
welcomed him with open arms
227
00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:25,234
and asked if, being an American,
228
00:13:25,235 --> 00:13:27,164
he liked the Dixie Chicks.
229
00:13:27,165 --> 00:13:31,994
And then she said it was typical
Steven to win a man at a funfair
230
00:13:31,995 --> 00:13:34,054
when most people make
do with a goldfish.
231
00:13:36,165 --> 00:13:38,604
But she's always been the
witty one in our family.
232
00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:40,737
Oh, which reminds me.
233
00:13:40,738 --> 00:13:43,147
Obviously, there's going
to be an Oscar Wilde quote.
234
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You can't have a gay wedding
without an Oscar Wilde quote.
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When I worked in a care
home when I was at college,
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there was an old blind
man I read to sometimes.
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He loved Oscar Wilde.
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He even said he'd seen him once.
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00:13:57,675 --> 00:13:59,324
And that's how I know this quote.
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"All women become like their mothers.
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That is their tragedy.
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00:14:07,285 --> 00:14:08,554
No man does.
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00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:11,044
That's his."
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00:14:13,055 --> 00:14:14,834
That's not my tragedy.
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00:14:14,835 --> 00:14:16,664
For better or for worse, mostly better,
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00:14:16,665 --> 00:14:19,154
I am totally turning into my mother.
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00:14:20,605 --> 00:14:21,634
And I'm fine with that.
248
00:14:23,325 --> 00:14:25,804
Though I suspect she'll always
be the better line dancer.
249
00:14:28,665 --> 00:14:30,304
I could say, I suppose, that...
250
00:14:31,945 --> 00:14:34,054
... today isn't about
me, it's about her...
251
00:14:35,415 --> 00:14:37,804
... about seeing my lovely mum so happy.
252
00:14:39,965 --> 00:14:42,164
And that wouldn't entirely
be a lie, but come on!
253
00:14:42,165 --> 00:14:43,434
Let's face it!
254
00:14:43,435 --> 00:14:44,794
Today's all about me.
255
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:47,564
Me and him.
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00:14:49,525 --> 00:14:50,614
But mostly me.
257
00:14:52,385 --> 00:14:53,474
And him.
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00:14:57,825 --> 00:14:58,904
Him!
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00:15:00,875 --> 00:15:04,524
The man who, when we first
met, smelled of candy floss,
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00:15:04,525 --> 00:15:07,154
soap and everything will be all right.
261
00:15:08,705 --> 00:15:10,064
Quite a heady combination.
262
00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:13,714
My someone to dance
round the kitchen with,
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00:15:13,715 --> 00:15:16,384
my someone to take photographs of,
264
00:15:16,385 --> 00:15:20,134
someone to talk to all day
and spoon with all night.
265
00:15:20,135 --> 00:15:21,264
He loves my singing.
266
00:15:22,295 --> 00:15:23,514
OK, totally hates my singing.
267
00:15:24,735 --> 00:15:27,174
And he even likes my cooking.
268
00:15:27,175 --> 00:15:29,374
He laughs at my jokes
and he lets me cry.
269
00:15:29,375 --> 00:15:32,234
He encourages me to be kind.
270
00:15:34,015 --> 00:15:35,424
He makes me want to be a better man.
271
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:42,454
And the best view ever isn't
Uluru, or Iguazu, the Taj Mahal,
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00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:45,504
the Grand Canyon, or even Edinburgh
as seen from Arthur's Seat on
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00:15:45,505 --> 00:15:48,824
a clear autumn day with the
Forth shimmering in the distance.
274
00:15:51,175 --> 00:15:54,124
It's the nape of his neck when
he's lying asleep in my arms.
275
00:15:58,065 --> 00:16:00,504
I know we don't get happily
ever afters in real life.
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00:16:00,505 --> 00:16:02,794
I'm a hopeless romantic,
not a total fucking idiot.
277
00:16:04,955 --> 00:16:06,594
As my friend, Russell, said to me once,
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00:16:06,595 --> 00:16:09,314
"Even with the happiest
couples, one of you dies first."
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00:16:10,815 --> 00:16:11,844
But first...
280
00:16:13,815 --> 00:16:14,904
... there is such...
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00:16:16,535 --> 00:16:18,174
... unalloyed joy.
282
00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:24,224
We went to the supermarket yesterday
and we were wandering around and,
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00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:27,034
at one point, he took my hand, because
that's the kind of thing he does.
284
00:16:27,035 --> 00:16:28,674
And instantly, I got flustered.
285
00:16:30,035 --> 00:16:31,164
Residual anxiety.
286
00:16:32,285 --> 00:16:34,254
Remembrance of past battery.
287
00:16:35,335 --> 00:16:36,974
Enduring scars.
288
00:16:36,975 --> 00:16:39,022
Even though I know I'm hardly likely
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00:16:39,023 --> 00:16:41,054
to get my head kicked
in by the salad bar,
290
00:16:41,055 --> 00:16:42,594
PDAs can still make me nervous.
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00:16:43,955 --> 00:16:45,884
And then he said,
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00:16:45,885 --> 00:16:48,604
gentle as anything, and I'm
not going to do the accent...
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00:16:50,055 --> 00:16:52,494
"If there's a gay kid
in here with his folks,
294
00:16:52,495 --> 00:16:54,274
frightened that he's a freak,
295
00:16:54,275 --> 00:16:56,994
don't you think that
it might give him hope,
296
00:16:56,995 --> 00:16:59,194
seeing two guys wandering around,
297
00:16:59,195 --> 00:17:02,854
being themselves, getting their
groceries, like everyone else?"
298
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:07,824
If happiness is a place...
299
00:17:10,825 --> 00:17:12,604
... it's the biscuit
aisle in Sainsbury's.
300
00:17:15,695 --> 00:17:17,004
And anywhere else I am with him.
301
00:17:20,945 --> 00:17:22,724
And when we met,
302
00:17:22,725 --> 00:17:25,074
I'll never forget what he
said when I introduced myself.
303
00:17:25,075 --> 00:17:26,846
"Pleased to meet you, Steve. I'm Adam."
304
00:17:26,847 --> 00:17:28,684
And then, "And if that's the case,
305
00:17:28,685 --> 00:17:30,041
we should probably get married.
306
00:17:30,042 --> 00:17:33,604
Adam and Steve has a certain
ring about it, don't you think?"
307
00:17:33,605 --> 00:17:36,134
Oh, and now it has got
a certain ring about it.
308
00:17:37,405 --> 00:17:40,304
He liked it and he put a ring...
Ooh, don't spoil it, Steven.
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00:17:45,885 --> 00:17:46,914
HE SIGHS
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00:17:51,235 --> 00:17:53,384
This is the beginning of
a new chapter in my story...
311
00:17:54,325 --> 00:17:57,134
... our story, that continues tomorrow
312
00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:59,944
when we go back to where our tale began,
313
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:04,684
and I get to meet Adam's extended
Orlando family which, funnily enough,
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00:18:04,685 --> 00:18:06,654
does include a giant
and a couple of dwarves.
315
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,938
We may even stop off
for a dance at the ball
316
00:18:11,939 --> 00:18:14,524
where the beautiful people are.
317
00:18:14,525 --> 00:18:17,854
Sadly, they don't do glass
slippers in my size, but then,
318
00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:19,734
when did I ever leave
a club before midnight?
319
00:18:23,155 --> 00:18:24,374
Ladies and gentlemen...
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00:18:25,545 --> 00:18:27,514
... please raise your glasses to my...
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00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:34,684
... husband, the love of my life, Adam.
322
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:40,644
To our always and forever,
till death do us part...
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00:18:41,625 --> 00:18:44,764
... as hopefully happily
ever after as it gets.
324
00:18:51,655 --> 00:18:54,284
I think it's better off the cuff.
325
00:18:54,285 --> 00:18:55,695
From the heart.
326
00:18:57,396 --> 00:19:00,086
Oh, you can really overthink
these things, can't you?
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00:19:02,487 --> 00:19:07,487
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