Original subtitles

How fitting that you should all return to the scene of your crime.

You are responsible for the death of Edwina Kenchington.

Nurse Kenchington. Give it to me!

One of you has my locket. But, Mummy!

You're alive.

Give me my locket! I need it, you lunatics.

Mummy!

Shit.

BRASS BAND PLAYING CIRCUS MUSIC MOURNFULLY

I ordered Mr Jolly, J-O-L-L-Y.

You've sent me Jelly, J-E-L-L-Y...

No, I'm Mr Jelly, I'm not dead, I'm alive!

HE COUGHS

For fu...

I don't believe it!

Y something B, sweet potato?

Sorry, ma'am? 15 across, Y something B, sweet potato.

Ah, That'll be a yam, ma'am.

Yam? Yes, ma'am.

Y-A-M? Yes, ma'am.

So "agricultural term" isn't "arable". Shit.

Do you have any news for me, Kelvin?

Yes, we have all eyes on the Ravenhill patients

and our operatives are awaiting your instructions. Have you located the dwarf?

Not at present, ma'am, no.

Mr Jelly is attending the funeral of Dr Strachen aka Mr Jolly,

and we believe Oscar Lomax and Michael Fry to be en route.

And this is in? Manchester.

Mm-hmm. And the Aston woman?

Oh, yes. At home in Bristol.

Our intel seems to suggest that the husband is in the process of moving out.

Well, I don't like all this.

Sorry, ma'am?

All these bits of paper everywhere.

I want to be like Judi Dench, doing this with things on a screen...

We can do that, can't we?

We can certainly look into it for you, ma'am. Yes.

Good, because this is all too random.

I want to feel like I'm in Minority Report, not a village post office.

Very good, ma'am. Keep up the surveillance, 24 hours.

One of these characters is going to lead us to our item, and we don't want to miss it when they do.

You made it then?

Yeah, we had to get the train

cos I'm not allowed to drive yet, isn't that right, Mr Lomax? Eh?

I said I'm not allowed to drive.

Quarter past five, already?

Thought I was a bit peckish.

Still no better then? No.

They said it could take weeks.

Both the eardrums were... What is it?

Perforated. No, it's just Mellow Bird's. Want some?

No, you're all right, thanks.

Suit yourself.

'I hope you're hungry! I've got a big bowl here. It's your favourite!'

Mashed swede.

Here we are, my angel.

Here comes the train, and the train goes into the tunnel... Choo-choo!

Choo-choo.

DOOR SLAMS

There, there.

All packed up, George? Yes.

I just came to leave the keys.

How's Jennifer? Jennifer?

Oh, yes! She's very well, thank you.

Aren't you, my lovely little... girl?

Good.

So you'll be going to stay with Nicola then, I expect?

No. No, she died, Joy.

Oh, dear.

As you know she lost a lot of blood in the explosion...

Oh, Yes, that's right, she did.

So they brought her back here for a full transfusion.

Seven pints.

But the blood was contaminated.

It should have been AB positive, but when they tested it...

it was Ribena. Vimto.

Sorry? Nothing.

Still, no point crying over spilt milk.

Nope.

Goodbye, Joy.

Oh, Well, looks like it's just me again, my little Freddie Fruitcake!

Her name is Jennifer. I know.

Her family will be over soon,

and they'll be taking Jennifer back home with them, I expect.

Yes, well. We'll see about that.

In the meantime I'm going to give her the best care a mother can, aren't I, my lovely little Fre...

Jennifer?

Freddie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie...

Gentlemen...

Come to make sure that your assailant is safely ensconced in his grave? Yeah, something like that.

We've just had confirmation that Jolly's mother died this morning.

Edwina Kenchington? I still don't believe that's a proper name.

As we weren't able to interview her, I wanted to ask you once again if you can recall anything

she said that could explain her actions that night? No, it was ridiculous.

Jolly did his big speech about revenge for someone killing his mother,

then out of nowhere she bursts in, babbling on about a locket or summat!

He didn't even know she was alive! We said this, didn't we?

Why did she wait two years to come back and tell him she wasn't dead? I'm sorry, it was a pathetic ending.

Keep your voice down, Jelly!

Apparently that pig's been sniffing round again!

He's already here, Mr Lomax.

Eh? The pig... He's here.

Oh. Well, we don't know anything about anything.

You said she was babbling about what, a locket? Yeah. No!

No.

Just... What?

Her pocket.

She was going on about a clown's pocket.

It's slang for big vagina.

Yeah.

Like a wizard's sleeve.

A yawning donkey.

Maybe she was just showing off.

Maybe.

Well, I shan't trouble you any longer.

If anything else occurs to you, you've got my numbers.

I'll be in touch.

What was all that about? Listen, I've been doing some digging, yeah.

Apparently Kenchington had been scamming money

out of the hospital for years, building herself a little nest-egg... That's why she went missing.

Waiting for the heat to die down, then come back and get the dosh.

So what's in that locket? Like a key, or a map, or summat?!

I don't know. I just think we should keep what we know to ourselves. See where it leads.

Tea Leaf, you're such an idiot...

you've put my bloody phone in my lunchbox!

See you later.

See you.

Hello, this is Brook Street Library, just ringing to let you know

that The Other Side Of Truth by Beverley Naidoo

has been returned to us and I've popped it behind the desk for you. Thank you very much.

Oh, excuse me.

I think we're a book missing. Sorry?

Well, I have The Secret and Peter Ackroyd's London, but we're missing

50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles, Volume Two.

Which one, sorry? 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles, Volume Two.

Yes! I got it out for my mother, actually, it must be somewhere in the house.

Can I have a look for it and bring it in tomorrow?

You can... but as of 4pm today the book will be overdue,

and that will incur you a 5p fine for every day that it's left unreturned.

OK, well, I'm sure I can find it...

I'll get it to you by the end of the week. Today, tomorrow or Friday?

No, it won't be today.

Tomorrow or Friday, but you do have the book, it's in the house, and you can get it to us by Friday, latest.

Well, whenever. No, not whenever.

Tomorrow or Friday.

Yes.

Do you know which? Cos I'm not in on Fridays.

I'm not sure, to be honest with you. What difference does it make?

5p.

All right.

And what happens if I can't find the book?

What, ever?

Yes, I've lost it, say. I get home have a look around...

It's gone. What then?

Well, then we'd have to charge you for the price of a replacement which is £5,

plus the outstanding fine of 15p, which would come to a total of...

£5.15. £5.15.

OK, thank you.

But hopefully that won't...

ECHOEY VOICE: 'And what happens if I can't find it?'

'I've lost it. Get home, have a look around and find it's gone. What then?'

GHOSTLY WHISPERS

ELECTRICAL HUM

MYSTERIOUS BUZZING

METALLIC CLANKING

Not now, Silent Singer.

LOUD BUZZING

SILENCE

Jelly, isn't it?

No, I think it's a trifle. No, I mean your clown name. Mr Jelly.

Yeah.

You're the first person to get that right in about ten years. We haven't met.

Arthur Chadwick, clown name Chuckles. I'm chairman of Focky.

Whatty? FOCCE.

Federation of Clowns and Children's Entertainers.

I don't think we've got you down as a member.

No, I've got all the forms but...

I can never...

find a pen in me house.

You should join, because we're a good union

and we do a lot of work with disabled clowns such as yourself. What other ones are there? Willy Wheels.

He's got Cornwall covered. There's a young clown just joined, Dumplings. He's got Down's Syndrome...

Right. Well, I'll have a think about it. Listen...

I know you and Stuart didn't get on too well in the latter years...

Stuart? Oh, you mean Jolly. Well, you know he stole my act?

Those allegations have been well documented.

Now, listen, what I am trying to say is,

that we've got these personal effects of Stuart's that we need to bequeath

and we thought you might be interested in them. Oh, right.

So finally, I get all my old tricks back! Eh, not all of them, no.

The big-box stuff has been auctioned off for Cairoli Foundation,

looking after old and retired entertainers.

I'll be eligible for that meself next year.

Time to hang up the nose, eh?

Well, I can see why you call yourself Chuckles! I was enjoying this funeral till you turned up!

And yeah, I'll gladly dispose of that lot for you... in the bin.

Smart ass.

David, leave Mrs Barron's things alone,

her husband'll be here in a minute.

When did she die? Last night.

It was like a disco in here with that machine going off,

I've not slept a wink. Come on then, what've you brought me?

Oh, David, how many times do I have to tell you? I said grapes!

I forgot. What am I meant to do with all these?

You know I don't like things with pips, they remind me of little teeth!

Sorry.

She's got some bananas...

I'm not eating a dead woman's bananas! Leave her some dignity.

Have you brought me anything to read? Yeah.

I Only Ever Loved An Angel - The Life And Times Of Fred West.

Well, that's really going to cheer me up, isn't it?

It's all about Rose.

She's the one who made him do the murders, apparently.

Oh, Hello Mrs Sowerbutts, how are we feeling today?

Much better, thanks. Good-o.

Might I have a quick word with your son, please? In private.

Go on, David.

The good news is that there's no damage to your mother's liver as a result of the overdose,

so we'll be able to discharge her today.

Thank you. There is, however, some not-so-good news.

When we performed the gastric irrigation and X-ray,

we found something rather disturbing in your mother's stomach.

Not like Marc Almond?

No, no, that's just myth.

Two pints, apparently,

and some of it was equine...

No, what we found was a shadow on her pancreas

which after further testing appears to be a malignant tumour.

But she doesn't like tuna.

No, tumour. A cancer.

Non-operable, I'm afraid.

Oh.

What does that mean?

Well...

you're going to save money on Christmas presents.

The important thing is

that in the time she has left

she has a stress-free environment

in which to manage her condition...

Hi, Hattie.

My God, miracle of miracles, he's not dead!

I'm really sorry, Hats. It's just... You know what it's like.

Come here, I'm only pulling your leg.

Give us a huggle.

You smell gorgeous, is that CK One?

Let's get you a brew...

I'm too excited, I'm going to get my electric cigarette out.

I'm trying to think of the last time I saw you. You didn't do any dailies on Spooks, did you?

No. I've been on Cranford all summer. That's right, I've heard they're all mad.

Who did make-up on that? Veronica. Is she behaving?

What do you think?

Drink, sir?

Coffee, please.

And the mother? No, I'm fine thanks.

Actually, do you have, like, a raspberry tea or a peppermint tea?

I have got chronic period pain.

Erm...

Never mind, I'll just have a sparkly water with lemon, please.

OK.

Please. He's bonny, isn't he? Lovely eyelashes.

So, what's been happening? Give me the goss.

Well, the big news is I've started seeing someone.

It's early days but it's quite serious.

Oh, congratulations! Yeah, I'm really happy.

Oh, I wish I was.

Oh, back at last!

No need to carry me all the way up them stairs, David.

It's all right. Thirteen flights.

I know who it is, you know, piddling in the lifts.

It's them from number 16.

Mr Heyward said he found a human tod in there last week.

Imagine that! A human tod.

Ah, you've pushed the beds together, David.

How thoughtful.

What's the matter? What's wrong?

Not again!

Who could have sent it to you? They're all dead.

Not all of them.

So, go on then, who is he/ Fill me in.

His name's Shahrouz and he's Iranian... Oh, my God!

He's a very gifted pianist and he came over here to study at the Guildhall. Oh, chucky butty!

I am so happy for you.

There's a bit of a problem. He's on a three-year student visa and it runs out next month.

If we can't get him a new one, that's it. He'll be deported.

And can't you go over there and live with him? Not really.

For one thing, it's illegal to be gay over there. Course it is, you forget.

I mean, you know me, Chris, I'm broad-minded.

When I did the cruise ships, I shared a cabin with a lesbian fire-eater

whose breath stank, by the way. Don't ask me what of, cos I don't know and I never asked.

So what if he got a job here, would that help?

He's got a job,

but it's only cash in hand.

He's a waiter.

In a cafe...

You don't mean?

Yeah. That's Shahrouz.

Shahrouz!

Oh, Chris, he's gorgeous!

Yeah, he is.

Will you marry him for me?

♪ Never ever forget

♪ That I got you

♪ And you got... ♪

Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't... strain yourself.

Well, I've got all I need

and we've got your details

so we'll be in touch. Thank you.

Emily, would you show the next person in, please?

Excuse me, you can't just...

Oh, it's OK, Emily. I know this young man. Hello, David!

Leave my mother out of this, it's got nothing to do with her!

And it's straight into the improv. Well, Erm...

I say your mother is a witch

and must be tried by the same jurisdiction.

Who's he calling a witch? Cheeky bastard!

I don't want you to contact me or my mother any more. And... break!

Good. Well, obviously I know you have the skill set for this position.

What have you been up to since the last time we worked together?

I killed three people. Yes, we've finished the improv, David.

Do your song! He's got a beautiful singing voice.

What song have you chosen?

Les Miserables. Ah, The Glums!

Away you go.

♪ Before you say another word, Javert!

♪ Before you chain me up like a slave again

♪ Listen to me

♪ There is something I must do...

Well, that sounds...

♪ This woman leaves behind a suffering child

♪ There is none but me who can intercede

♪ In mercy's name

♪ Three days are all I need

♪ And then I'll return I pledge my word

♪ And then I'll return... ♪

David! Now isn't the time to get into all this.

Perhaps Robin would like to come over to our flat tomorrow and have his tea and...

discuss how best to resolve the situation.

Tomorrow night? Well, Erm...

Let's see. Emily, how am I fixed for tomorrow night?

I've no idea.

Thank you.

Well, then in that case, I'd be honoured.

One thing - I mustn't touch any peanuts.

I was once hospitalised by a Bakewell tart.

Well, see you tomorrow, then. Bye!

Are you all right, Mum? Yeah.

If he thinks he's going to get one over on us

he's got another thing coming.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh. Just play carefully, I won't be a minute.

No getting out, you might slip!

Any joy? Sorry?

50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles Volume Two?

Oh.

Oh, its you?

No.

Sorry, what are you doing here?

Just thought if you'd found it I could pick it up and take it in tomorrow. Save you the 5p.

I haven't found it. I haven't even looked for it.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy.

Who is it, Mum? No-one.

DOORBELL RINGS For God's sake!

Would you like ME to look for it for you? No, I wouldn't!

DOG BARKS Now, go away, or I'm calling my husband.

Why, do you think he might know where it is? No! Look, go away.

This is ridiculous.

DOG BARKS

Not now, Silent Singer!

Not now!

Jolly...

What were you thinking?

I've hated you for so long.

And now you've gone...

and I haven't even got that.

MUSIC PLAYS I am J-O-L-L-Y

♪ I am J-O-L-L-Y

♪ I think I am, I'm sure I am

♪ I am J-O-L-L-Y

♪ I am J-O-L-L-Y. ♪

You've still got a few tricks up your sleeve, haven't you, Jolly?

So her brain is still functioning, they think? Oh, yes.

It's very common with trauma victims.

Complete body shut down,

but she's in there somewhere.

Well. Apparently Kenchington had been living in Salzburg for the last couple of years.

Ooh! Under an assumed name.

We think she faked her own death in the fire at Ravenhill two years ago.

Oh! But for some reason she came back to see all of you.

What did she want, do you think?

I've got no idea. We all thought she was dead.

Next thing we knew she came in with her face burnt off asking about some locket.

What did she say, exactly? About this locket?

Well, she thought one of us had it, thought one of us had stolen it.

And had you? Not that I know of.

Now, if you don't mind, Inspector, I think I can smell the beginnings of a full nappy.

Of course.

I notice Jennifer's got some movement in her left hand.

Oh, yes. We've been practising writing your name,

haven't we, Jennifer?

Do you mind if I try something?

No, no be my guest. But there is a ticking clock on that nappy.

Jennifer...

can you remember anything about this locket?

If you can, let us know.

Oh, no.

And there's nothing you haven't thought of that might help jog her memory?

No, No. Well, I've told you everything.

In that case...

Thanks for your help, Jennifer.

Don't tell anyone I was here, will you?

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