Original subtitles

I've worked out who the blackmailer is...Hello, Hello, Hello.

What have you done that for?

He's set me up, they'll think I killed him. Killed who?Mr Jolly.

Ravenhill Hospital. Come on, we're going.

SCREAMING

Nearly there, Freddy.

I'm taking you home. Poor Freddy needs all the blood he can get.

And you're gonna give it to him.

It's always been me.No!

It's Robert. He's gone mad!

Where are you taking him? Somewhere quiet.

Mr Lomax. I've got Snappy but I've been locked in and can't get out.

Where are you?

May I remind those of you not rendered totally mindless

that the governors will be attending a performance

of our little entertainment in less than two weeks.

It is therefore VITAL

..that we put on a good show for them.

Isn't that right, little mouse?

Yes, Miss Kenchington.

I beg your pardon?

Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak.

That's better.

The lunatics haven't taken over this particular vegetable patch.

Now you've been practising this song for four days now so I don't expect to hear any mistakes.

I don't know how Trevor Nunn does it, but I have my own prompter if need be.

IT CRACKLES

Now...

Sing.

Sorry about that, I'm up to my neck in wheelie bins at the moment.

How can I help you? I done five murders.

You've done five murders.

Mm!Right.

Can I ask, did they all occur in the Haringey area?

I'm not sure.

Would you like to have a perusal of the boundary map while I make a quick phone call?

Thank you.

Samantha, it's Simon on the front desk.

Better than it was, thanks. I've got a gentleman here who's done five murders.

Three men, two ladies.

Three men, two ladies and I just want to check our protocol before I advise him.

H's looking at it now.

Oh, silly beggar, I didn't even ask him!

You are a Haringey resident, aren't you?

He is.

My second murder was here.Oh, God, he's pointing at Critchley Gardens.

What number?23, I think.

23, you see that's Barnet, isn't it?

Yes.

And there's no chance of you moving the body? He's saying no.

All right.

I will. Thanks, Samantha.

Erm...tuna melt.

Bye! Yeah, would have been better for me if you could have done all your murders in the same borough.

Critchley Gardens is the thin end of the wedge.

Here's the number for the Citizens Advice in Barnet, you can call them i f you want, I'm saying nothing.

And here's a leaflet for Crimestoppers, though it might be a bit late for that.

Thank you.

Oh, you forgot your... I'm presuming it's a head.

Can I have the next one please?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?'Hello, Mr Treeleaf?'

We've arrived at hospital like you said.

How do we find you?

Ask him if he's still got Snappy?

Yeah, yeah I still got him.

Just come and find me. I'm at Room 130, yeah?

We're nearly there, Mr Treeleaf.

We can hear you knocking. I'm not mocking.Huh?

BANGING

Oh, my goodness!

What is it?There some lady here... She white as lychee.

Help me...Never mind that. Is there a crocodile?

No crocodile. Just red baby.

Let me see, let me see.

Quick!

Urgh.

It needs a nappy change.

Get rid of it.

This lady need help. We've got to find Tealeaf.

Oskar?Joy? Joy, is that you?

Yes. I never told anyone, Oskar, not to this day.

Calm yourself, that's not why I'm here.

Why are you here, then? Where's my baby?

He's over there somewhere.

Tealeaf! Where are ya?Freddy?

Haven't you grown!

Oh, Freddy! Oh, mwah.

TOILET FLUSHES

This is embarrassing.

I'm not fussy.

In the war we went in our neighbours' pots and pans.

Didn't you have a toilet?Yes.

We just didn't like the neighbours.

I'll be all right once I start piddling.

Hurry up and start then. If the police catch us, we're fucked.

Don't rush me.

It's hard to get going with you stood there.

Do you think you could get me a Bounty bar?

Bounty bar? How can you think of food sat on the toilet?

I'm diabetic!

Oh, great! That's all I need.

What happens if you don't?

Fuck's sake.

Hey, kid, give us that Topic.

Come on, this lady needs it.

I'll give you 50p.

A pound, then. There's a pound in my pocket.

Go on, you can have it.

Go on, that's it, you had your hand on it, then.

I know this must look funny.

You understand why I had to get you away from there, Robert?

Yeah. Guess I lost it.

You're allowed. Psycho.

You're not so bad yourself.

Carrie!

Shit.What's wrong? We've run out of petrol.

Come on, then. Looks like we're doing Babes In The Wood tonight.

Yeah, yeah. I can see you.

Another 12 feet, another 12 feet. Yes, yes.

You're there. No. No, no. Next door, next door, next door, next door.

I've already done the bolt. It's the key. It's the key.

Just open the key. Hold on.

Oh, Tealeaf. You've made me the happiest man alive.

Come on. Let's go.

It's smaller than I remembered.

Things always are.

When you're a kid, I mean.

Toys and shit. Oh, he's not a toy. Never a toy.

I know, I know. It's a commodity.

Yes. Worth thousands to me.

Still smells of the ocean.

So what were you in here for anyway? You're not that mad, are you?

That's one word for it.

Of course, the doctors here gave it all kinds of fancy names -

acute egopsychosis.

Also known as Paradise Syndrome.

It affects you when you've got everything you've ever wanted.

And there's only one way of curing it.

What the fucking hell did you do that for?

I nearly died getting that for you!

I first completed my collection in 1988. I travelled to Fiji.

Gave those Crabtree bitches what they wanted, namely one of these each.

And that was it.

I was a millionaire. My quest was over.

But what does a man do when he has everything, Tealeaf?

I became depressed. Suicidal.

That's why I ended up in here.

Then one day I had a brainwave.

Find myself a little Tealeaf, just like you, get him to break into my holy of holies and steal

Snappy the crocodile, or Chilly the Penguin, or Humps the Camel and release him

And that was it.

The chase was back on.

I was cured in seconds.

Oh, I'll find Snappy again, don't worry that.

Might take me months, years even, but he'll turn up.

He always does.

Maybe you could help me, eh, Tealeaf?

Tealeaf?

Tealeaf?!

Tealeaf!

Now, sing!

♪ I look handsome, I look smart

♪ I am a walking work of art

♪ Such a dazzling coat of many colours

♪ How I love my coat of many colours

♪ It was red and yellow... And green and purple... ♪

Yellow.♪ Blue. ♪

Again.

♪ It was red and... ♪No!

Just David.

♪ It was red and yellow and green and red and...♪No. Again.

♪ It was red and yellow and green and purple and... ♪Again.

♪ It was red and yellow and orange and...Again.

Please, Nurse Kenchington... You were warned.

The colours, David. IT CRACKLES

But I can't remember them. We've done them all week, David.

The colours, please.

But I can't remember...Now!

♪ It was red and red and... ♪No!

Again.

♪ It was red and purple... ♪

Again! It was red and lilac... No!

Again. It was red and lilac... No!

Again. It was red and lilac and... Again!No!

♪ It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach

♪ And ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate

♪ And mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose

♪ Azure and lemon and russet and grey, purple and white and pink and orange and blue! ♪

Hey! Well done, lad. I knew you'd get there in the end.

Quiet!

David, what have you done?

She's dead.

Sorry. I brought you this.

Don't know why.

Hey, missus. Wake up, we're here.

This isn't Sunnyvale.

I know it isn't.

Get out.

What have you brought me here for?

I don't want raping, thank you very much.

All that chocolate's made me feel sick.

I asked for a Bounty anyway.

Well, you got a Topic!Oh, get out!

Hello?Hello.

Not you!

Hello? Anybody here?

I don't like it.

It's obviously been shut down for years.

But then why was the door open? Ghosts.

Ghosts don't need doors open.

They just walk straight through them, don't they?

THEY SCREAM

Freddy!

Come on. Get back here now.

Why are you being so naughty?

I'm worried about other lady.

She very pale.

No. You don't look so clever yourself, my boy.

In fact I think you might have a touch of jaundice. Poor Freddy.

This way! Freddy! Freddy!

She's a zomboid, I've seen a film about them.

Who are you, Van Helsing?

It's all right, you must sit down.

Poor lady, she lost a lot of blood.

Do you work here? No, I work for Mr Lomax.

I come here with him. Is he the main boss?

No, he blind man, he look for crocodile. He go see Mr Treeleaf.

Freddy, what have I told you about running away from Mummy?

Do you work here?No-one's worked here for a long time, dear.

Not since the incident.

What incident?I shouldn't...

What incident?That's enough!

We swore we'd never speak of that day and we're not going to start now. Who is this clown?

His name's Mr Jelly... No,

Jolly. And I'm Claudia Wren.

And what may I ask brings you to Ravenhill?

I could ask you the same thing.

Lady! Lady! She pass out!

Is she diabetic?

I've got half a Topic in the car. Where are the keys?

Tealeaf?Where are they? I left them in the ignition.

Well, I've not touched them, they're no use to me.

You, give me your car keys? Piss off!

Language!Keys!

I left mine in car too.

Well, they're not there now. None of them are.

Looks like somebody doesn't want us to leave.

HE SINGS: ♪ Close every door to me.... ♪

What's that?

Sounds like David.

It is.

He must be here too.Come on.

♪ Hate me and laugh at me

♪ Darken my daytime and torture my night... ♪

David?

It's not him. It's just a video.

DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time.

Kerry? I think we should head back.

Why?Because we're in the middle of the woods and it's dark, that's why.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh, my!

I'm serious! We're never going to find anywhere open around here.

Look! Smoke.

How fitting that you should all return to the scene of your crime.

What's up with his voice?

Do you want a Fisherman's Friend?

Ssh! So it was you that brought us here?

Yes, Michael. I have been controlling your every move for weeks. Nothing was left to chance.

I have drawn you all back here, like moths to a flame.

Each and every one of you.

Well, that's not quite true. Cos David's not here, is he?

Er, no. I don't quite know what happened there.

And where's the dwarf?

Erm, I don't know, actually...

But it was I who sent the letters.

And the video tapes.

What video tapes? I never got one.

Well, I sent you one. I sent you all one.

Hands up who got a tape?

I did.I did, but I couldn't play it.

You should've done it on DVD.

I don't think I got one, but I've not been home, so...

Of course you didn't get one, it's got nothing to do with you. In fact, who are you?

Help...pleeve...And who's she?

She need blood, I think.

We need Hancock here, that right, Mr Lomax!

I told you not to mention that bastard's name!

Sorry, sorry, carry on with your speech.

It's not a speech!

You've ruined it now, anyway.

Oh, don't say that, I'm enjoying it! I'm really smiling.

Will you get on with it, please? She's diabetic.All right.

The reason I've gathered all of you here - nearly all of you -

is that two years ago you were responsible for the death of Edwina Kenchington.

That was an accident!

Was it?

Robert, there's more white spirit in the craft box,

will you fetch it for me now?

Make sure those curtains are soaked, Mr Lomax. We can't have any traces.

Oh, don't worry, this whole place is going to go up like a torch.

I didn't mean to hurt her. Don't worry, David.

We'll soon have it all sorted. Go and wait outside. Good boy.

We've got to be quick, the supervisor will be here soon.

Come on. Everybody out. Out!

Go on, little mouse.

You do the honours.

My pleasure.

Everybody, back to your cells and remember - the first we know about this is when the alarm goes off.

Will we get into trouble?

Not if we stick together. It's all over now, David.

She can't hurt you any more.

She's there!God!

You killed her.

Well, what if we did? She deserved it.

She was an evil old bitch, you don't know what she was like.

Oh, I do, Mr Lomax.

I know exactly what she was like.

Because that "evil old bitch"...

..was my mother.

I've done bad things since I was let in the world.

Too many bad things.

I wish I could mend what happened.

Get me out, then.

Pardon?I said, get me out.

Speak up.

Are you in there?

Dig for me, David.

Dig for me.

I will.

I'll save you. I'll get you out...

I'll get you... I'll get you.

Hello? Anybody home?

There must be someone in, look.

Hello?

Probably having a poo.

Robert!Well, I sometimes need one in the middle of a meal.Not soup!

Do you think they'll mind if I have a bit? I'm starving.

Don't! I'm just going to quickly use the phone, then we should just go.

Hello? Yeah, I've run out of petrol

and I've left my car in the middle of nowhere.

883-192.

Erm, 1st of the 9th, 1972...

Squeak, squeak, little mouse.

It's KV57 KYX.

Kerry?Just a second... What?

Who are you talking to?

Grandma! I'm gonna need some help.

WITCHY LAUGHTER

Dr Strachan!Jolly?!

I thought you were Jolly? No, I'm Jelly!

He's Jolly. But you're dead.

Not quite.

I knew you'd come if it meant saving your own skin.

A fake bloody head.

I thought at the time that were a bit far-fetched. I'm totally lost now.

They all killed your mother, yeah, fair enough, this is all a revenge thing, blah, blah...

But what am I doing here? I've got nothing to do with any of it.

On the contrary, Jelly, I blame you perhaps most of all.

I was operating on your hand.

A minor repetitive strain injury.

Whilst my beloved mother was choking in the flames.

You are the reason I wasn't there to save her.

Oh, right. Yeah, I get it now.

I don't. Tell it to me.

I'm sure some of it don't add up, though.

I dunno, I'll have to think back. And now you are all going to suffer,

the same way I suffered.

What does that mean?

It's almost time.

Free me, David.

Free me from this torment.

Now, you're not going to get me, are you?

Let me see...

Do you want me to kiss you?

No, I don't.

Get out of my way.

It's not here!

It isn't here, damn it!

What are you doing?

You're supposed to be dead.

Oh, no, David, I'm very much alive.

It's you who are dead.

Well, I wish you'd get on and tell us what you got in mind.

It's way past my Freddy's bed time. Isn't it, my little Freddy Fruitcake?

I 22, lady.

I go bed when I like.

Oh, dear! The terrible twos!

He's just over-tired, I expect.

Here, Tealeaf.

Dial 999. I'll distract him.

So, how did you find out the truth?

I received an anonymous letter...

Explaining to me that my mother had been murdered,

along with a list of those responsible.

I took it to be a confession

from someone who could no longer bear the guilt...

David.

He was always the weakest link, goodbye.

It wasn't David.

It was me.

Mummy?Shut up.

Come on, then, whichone of you has it?

Nurse Kenchington?Give it to me.

Give it to me now or I'll shoot the lot of you.Give you what?

You know what I'm talking about.

One of you has my locket.

But Mummy... You're alive! You stole it from me.

Which one of you has it?

Give it to me.

Give me my locket.

I'll have some Lockets if someone's going. Not eucalyptus, though.

Mummy, you mustn't be here.

I need it!

I was going to punish them... Be quiet, Stuart.

I need it, you lunatics.

Pleeve!

MUMMY!

Look.

You idiot.

I knew there was a reason I brought this.

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