Original subtitles

No!

No, that is not acceptable. We had a deal.

Does that not mean anything to anybody anymore?

What, your yes, not yes? Your no, not no?

I mean, if this doesn't go through, I'm screwed.

I'm screwed.

I've got a mortgage, I have a baby, come on!

Oh, geez.

No, let me call you back, let me call you back.

You all right?

Better than you, beamer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, now this situation is all wrong.

Oh, come on.

Trust me, I'm doing these glasses a favor.

Unh!

Taking the lady to a spa weekend.

Whaaat?

That's big time, son.

He wouldn't even tell me how much it costs.

That's because it's not about money, Jules.

It's about giving you a vacation you so richly deserve.

And spending an absurd amount of money to do it.

You are growing up right in front of my eyes.

Come on, Gus, you knew this day would come.

Yeah.

Bye, Gus.

Okay.

Make sure you water my plants, thrice daily.

But do not talk to them, because once they get started

they will not stop, especially Jim.

- Jim is the fichus? - Yes, indeed.

Got it.

What?

I need to tell you something.

Read my thoughts.

I don't know how to do that.

- Yes, you do. - No.

Ready?

Fine.

Waffles.

My God, it's crazy, that's exactly what I was thinking.

- That was just a test. - Okay.

- Okay, here it is, ready? - All right.

- Still waffles. - Damn it.

- One more time. - Okay.

Why are you gazing into each other's eyes?

We're not doing that, just a routine forehead check.

Reciprocated.

Listen, Shawn, I know you're nervous

about this weekend, but don't worry.

You're ready for this.

Now go and have some fun, you big spender, what?

Come on, son, come on.

I'm gonna call you, okay? So keep your phone on.

Oh, yeah.

Think you can survive for two days without each other?

Of course.

Look, Jules, I know that you have very definite expectations

for this weekend.

What do you mean?

Well, you sent me an email on the fifth saying

"Shawn, I have very definite expectations for this weekend."

Right, to which you responded,

"Slumber party, nudie times, drinky-drinky."

That's my "out of office reply."

Look, I just think this trip is important for us.

It's our first time out of the SBPD bubble

and we'll see how we really are as a couple.

Mmmmmmmm!

It is an opportunity for us

to take our relationship to the next step

in a mature way.

- I'm very excited. - Me too.

Now let's go have fun.

Don't worry about me, I have an epic weekend planned.

It's gonna be off the--

...hook.

Whoa.

Hello, Guster. I didn't know you shopped here.

- I had coupons. - Yes.

They do have some good bargains.

I loaded up on an armful of 40 watts.

That's a lot of light bulbs.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm set.

Good lord, you're not actually buying scented candles are you?

How else am I supposed to freshen up my place?

Well, do what I do,

you put your laundry basket outside,

and blast the place with right guard.

Your girlfriend's gonna wish she stayed in prison.

Don't you usually see her on Saturdays?

Yeah, but she got thrown in solitary

for dry-gulching a home girl on the chow line.

She sure hates cutsies.

Shawn and I usually play skee-ball,

and make crank calls all night.

That's you who keeps calling me?

No.

What the--?

Henry?

What are you doing here?

Buy one full price, get one free.

That's what I call value.

Oh, so you're the one that took all the light bulbs, huh?

You two shop together often?

- Pff, please. - No.

Come on, man.

So you and your shirts got a big weekend planned?

If by big weekend you mean watching the Mannix marathon,

then yes, we do.

Yeah, we got nothing to do either.

Tsk, speak for yourself. I have plans.

In fact, I'm going to a new spot tonight.

It's supposed to be slammin'.

Packed to the rafters with "biddies."

Heh, heh.

Ladies.

Oh.

Well, personally I'm looking forward

to a nice, quiet weekend at home, alone.

Yeah, solitude.

Good for the soul.

Good for you.

Packed to the rafters?

Yeah.

Excellent, now I'll just need to see a photo I.D., Mr. Guster.

Certainly.

- Enjoy your stay. - I am sure we will.

Oh...

That's all you.

Shawn, the hotel can arrange for a hot air balloon tour.

I would love to do that.

I think it would also be romantic if we took naps

in those large pool floaties that look like shamu.

Shawn, I know this isn't your thing,

but it makes me so happy that you're here.

And look, we did it!

The two of us, on vacation.

Along with all of these other people, unfortunately.

We're going to have fun, relax, and most importantly,

no work.

For two whole days I am not a cop,

and you are not a psychic.

Come on, you know I can't just turn it off like that.

Okay.

But just--none of this?

Heh, heh!

I believe this is gonna work out just fine, sugar plum.

- Let's go a huntin'. - Ooh.

I know you know

that I'm not telling the truth

I know you know

they just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception

learn how to bend

your worst inhibitions

tend to psych you out in the end

Look, Gus, this is my fifth message.

I'm all out of alias'.

It's Shawn, I need to talk to you.

Call me back immediamente!

Gracias.

What the--what?

- Um-- - Oh, um, Shawn.

This is Barbie and Clive Noble, they just arrived today as well.

Did they?

Yeah, I saw Juliet here, and I said,

now there is a beautiful woman

with impeccable taste.

We're gonna get along just fine.

Oh, my God, look at that rock.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry we stole your shade, Shawn.

Uh...

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine, we can share mine.

I did say "seat save."

Do you not remember me saying "seat save?"

No, I don't.

Oh!

Why are you inviting strangers into our vacation?

Because that is what adult couples do,

they make vacation friends.

Why do we need new friends? I have Gus.

You have... whoever your friends are.

Shawn, you're embarrassing me.

So, uh, Barbie here is from Kentucky

and she met Clive in Seattle and they have been married

for five years.

Wow, that's so much information,

how long was I at the juice bar?

So, uh, what do you do, Shawn?

Professional water skier.

Who works for the city of Santa Barbara,

as do I.

Y'all both water ski for the city of Santa Barbara?

Oh, baby-- my temples, my temples.

Oh, sorry, honey.

- Oh, oh! - How's that?

Oh, right there, mm.

So, um, is there a lot of money

in competitive aquatics, Shawn?

It's good benefits.

Decent Christmas party.

You know, we do okay.

Oh, I bet. This place is puh-ricey.

Nothing too good for my Barbie.

Oh, baby, what do I do to deserve you?

- Besides totally deserve me? - Oh, I do.

Muah, I love you so much, baby.

I love you.

I hate them.

Well, Shawn, the Nobles and I

were talking about grabbing dinner together.

Great, you should all enjoy yourselves.

All of us, together.

Mmmm, no thanks.

- We'd love to. - Sounds good.

- Yeah. - Excellent.

All right.

All right, let's get those sticky buns

into a mud bath, baby, come on.

Oh!

- Come on, let's go. - Would you stop it?

We'll see you guys.

What's your damage, Spencer?

What is my damage?

I'm gone five minutes and all of a sudden we're swingers?

What is this, The Ice Storm? Who are those people?

They're just people.

That's the worst kind!

We don't know them, something's off.

Plus, we don't know them.

And we'll have to talk to them.

It's called being an adult, Shawn.

You should try it sometime.

I'm wearing a man's robe.

What did I tell you?

Biddies by the bushel.

Ooh!

I'm about to put in some work!

I'll tell ya, if I weren't in a serious

and meaningful relationship I'd be doing all sorts of damage

up in this hizzy.

Am I saying that right?

Hizzy?

What are you guys saying?

Lassie, you only think you got game 'cause you got a lady.

No, no, no, no, I got a lady because I got game!

Please, you wouldn't be able to get any KOF play

inside this room.

I can get more play than you, playa!

I mean, don't get me wrong, Gus,

you have a certain sort of charm about you,

but I'm a classic.

I never go out of style, I'm like pleated pants.

Really?

Care to make this interesting?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

I can't hear squat.

We're talking about a little gentlemen's wager

over who can strike first with the ladies.

Great! I want in.

I don't think so.

What? Hey, listen, I'm as young on the inside

as these kids are on the outside.

Yeah, but when you were that young on the outside,

this was all farm land.

Ha!

Hey, you wanna put it to the test?

How about this?

First one to pull some digits off one of these hotties wins.

Losers bring barbecue to my house on Sunday.

Oh, it is so on.

Yeah, it is!

Safety is off.

Let's go.

Try this little slice of heaven.

Oh...Oh!

- It's key, it's key. - Mm.

- It's key lime? - Yup.

Well, don't they make a lovely couple, Jules?

What, two men can't share dessert?

And then go dancing... like gentlemen?

Hey, if the rhythm is right, let the music take you away,

my friend.

Amen.

I was wrong, these two are awesome.

So how'd you two meet?

Oh, my God, this is the best story.

All right, so I used to eat at this funky little sports bar

where the napkins were made of,

you know, real sweaty sports jerseys...

From De Palma vineyards, a light aroma of pear and citrus

with a delicate hint of gouda.

Yeah, well, soon you'll be seeing my face

on every box of that Jesus juice.

Seen the commercial of my latest line of classy box wines?

We got "Houston Ray red, Houston Ray white,"

and the Houston Ray rose is clean out of sight."

There's a guy who found a look and ran with it.

Yeah.

Nice watch.

Omega Speedmaster special edition.

Astronauts wore those on the moon.

About $100,000 retail.

I keep my expensive watches in the hotel safe.

I'm never on time but I feel so much more secure.

And we were married three weeks later.

- What? - Yeah.

You guys got married after three weeks?

Hey, when you know, you know.

We have a very simple life philosophy.

We trust our instincts.

If we feel like it, we do it.

And then we usually have to call the fire department.

Baby, you look ravishing this evening.

- Baby... - Hm?

All your facial parts, they're in the right spots.

Thanks, Shawn.

Arrr!

What do you say, tennis in the morning?

Well, now you're talking.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Let's say 10:00 A.M.

Get a little breakfast first.

You know, civilized.

Oh--oh, baby.

Mmm...What's happening?

Oh, no, what's wrong?

Um, she gets migraines, horrible.

- Ooh. - Horrible migraines, yeah.

The room starts spinning, down is up, up is down.

- Left is always left, though. - Left is left.

- Oh. - Yeah.

It's odd.

You know what? Let us pick this up, okay?

- Oh, no, no, no, we couldn't. - Oh.

No, no, it's fine.

You guys can get us back tomorrow morning at breakfast.

They've got sweet rolls as big as your face.

We'll share one.

'Cause we like to share things, Clive and I.

Yeah, yeah.

Take her out to the veranda for a drink.

You'll thank me.

Okay, come on, doll, let's go.

- Okay. - You ready?

Oh, we are just party poopers, I'm sorry.

- Easy. - Ow! Oh, my God.

- Easy, easy. - Feel better.

I hope she's okay.

And now...

shall we away to the...

veranda, m'lady?

My girlfriend's in prison.

Hello.

Mind if I freshen that up for you?

Sure, baby.

- Thanks. - No problem.

That's $12.

Hey, can you call my cell phone

and see if it's working?

Oh.

I mean, you know, when you're done with your call!

That's cool, I can wait!

Wait, don't you need my number?

Hey, does anybody have a phone they can call my...

phone with?

Any luck?

I'm still shopping, I'm not gonna just give it away.

Yeah, I hear that!

What?

It's legit!

I don't believe it. Who?

Her name is Chelsea.

Now for that barbecue.

I like beef ribs, but they don't like me.

Corn on the cob gets into my dental work,

so creamed corn is an acceptably substitute.

And bring something green.

I need the fiber.

The veranda is so romantic.

I wish someone had told me a long time ago

that being an adult means hanging out

with awesome people

and making fun of other people.

Barbie and Clive were such a nice addition

to our vacation.

- I'm so glad we did this. - Me too.

- I'm very fond of you. - Me too you.

Mmmm.

- Awfully dark in here. - Yeah.

We were robbed.

Stop saying the resort is sorry for our loss.

The resort is a building.

And unless it is monster house,

or the overlook hotel, I am not impressed,

neither is my lady friend.

As I've told you repeatedly, we will contact you

if your items turn up.

Stop saying "if they turn up."

Norm! Please read me the list I gave you last night.

I wanna make sure you have it all.

Uh, one pound cake, partially eaten.

Yes.

One inflatable shamu pool floatie.

That's right.

One capital one credit card belonging to a Burton Guster.

Which I have for some bizarre reason.

Continue.

One Nintendo DS.

Why would you bring a video game on an adult's vacation?

Because it's awesome.

And I'm in love with it.

And now several hours have passed

and it could be anywhere in the world.

Have you contacted Interpol?

Sir, we, the staff, not the building, apologize.

Unfortunately there were several thefts last night,

and we're slightly overwhelmed.

- Several. - Hmm.

Where are the local authorities?

It's a small department with limited resources.

Um, feel free to take your bathrobes with you

as our gift.

A $200 value.

Dude, like we weren't gonna take those anyway!

Um...

I don't understand why you're so upset.

Because I was really connected to that DS, Jules,

and I get emotional on vacation.

And now, to top it all off,

we're gonna be late for tennis with Barbie and Clive.

They'll understand, we were robbed.

Yeah...

Let us pick this up, okay?

You guys can get us back tomorrow morning at breakfast.

I've gotta call them.

I've gotta warn them!

About the lax security here!

Hold on to your pound cakes, everybody!

It's a free-for-all in here!

Shawn.

Hello? Who is calling?

Clive's doing a bit.

He's so funny.

Uh, jawohl!

Uh, unst schnitzel, das boot,

uh, Burgermeister Hasselhoffer?

Ich verlange zu wissen, wer anruft!

We haven't found your things yet.

I need Clive Noble's room, please.

There's no one by that name registered at the resort.

Tennis is off.

All right, beef ribs.

And...

Beef ribs.

And...

More beef ribs? Are you kidding?

Neither of you thought to bring a vegetable?

This is a man's weekend.

Not a Ladies Rotary Club luncheon.

You know? Hello?

This is capital one fraud alert.

There's some suspicious activity on your card in the Ojai area.

Fraud? Ojai?

Damn it, Shawn.

So Spencer, did you call

that little senorita you met last night?

Are you kidding? She's a couple of decades

south of my comfort zone.

I just did it to prove a point that I'm still vibrant and alive

and I can still reel them in.

Henry Spencer, master caster.

Heeeeey!

Hey!

I waited all morning for you to call me

but I got bored.

Oh.

- Hey! - Hey!

Hey! I'm so glad I'm in a relationship.

Whoo!

Cheers.

Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.

Awesome!

- Shawn, calm down. - How about you calm down, huh?

How about you calm down?

You know what the worst part is, Jules?

They just pretended to like us

so that they could rob us blind.

She had you eating out of the palm of her hand

with that little phony proposal story.

What about you and Clive?

You were feeding each other cake.

Okay, so I admit I was seduced by delicious flavor.

I am just a man, Jules!

I forbid you to investigate, we are on vacation.

Just let the local authorities do what they do.

Which is what, exactly, Jules? They wear Bermuda shorts.

Oh, my God.

That's my Nintendo!

Shawn...

Give me that!

Really?

I'm...

sorry, little man.

Enjoy your stay.

Hey, don't run.

There's no-- Didn't you read the signs?

You're acting like a child, Shawn.

I am not acting!

Well, it is about time.

Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you've paid for

on my credit card.

How are my plants?

It's bad enough you used my company card

to pay for your suite.

But now you're traipsing around doing wine tastings?

It wasn't us, okay?

- Our room got robbed. - Somebody took my credit card?

Where are the charges from?

Sutton House winery in Deep Valley vineyards.

I don't believe this, they took a wine tour?

Who?

We know the people who stole it, okay?

And I--I also still need to talk to you

about what is essentially a life or death situation.

But since you took a year to call me back, guess what.

- I have to go now. - Do not hang up on--

Jules?

- Mm. - I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to fly off the handle like that.

You're right.

I think hotel security can handle this

and we can always buy new stuff.

But you know what is irreplaceable?

A lover's retreat.

Mm.

What do you say we do something romantic?

Ooh, balloon tour?

God, no.

How about we go wine tasting?

Yeah.

Mm...Mm!

These are the best ribs I have ever eaten.

Oh, my God, I'm a mess.

Ma'am, cancel the card immediately.

- Thank you. - Mm.

Is that her second slab?

I have never seen a woman eat ribs like that in my life.

- Mmm. - Except in caveman drawings.

- Look, Chels, here's the thing. - Mmm.

I think you're an amazing girl.

Yeah, you do.

But don't you think I'm a little old for you?

No, I like older men.

Especially the balding, virile type.

You know.

Terry Bradshaw, Sean Connery-- ooh, Dick Cheney.

- Okey doke. - Wow, okay.

Um, Chelsea,

it was a pleasure meeting you.

But I need to head to Ojai

to kill my best friend in the world.

Mm.

And I need to help him bury the body.

Ooh, babe, can you get me another puller?

Uh, yeah-- guys, two things.

First, what's a puller?

Second, please don't leave.

Oh, you know, as much as I hate to leave

the uncomfortable Henry show,

I'm Guster's ride.

You kids have fun now.

Oh, wow, looks like

the party's over a little early, huh?

Mm!

Look, why don't I pack you up some, uh, potato salad to go?

Don't be silly, muffin.

We're goin' roller bladin', yo!

Holla!

Who the hell goes rollerblading

with seven pounds of ribs in 'em?

Chelsea do, that's who!

Wait!

What's wrong with you?

For over a century,

my family name has been synonymous

with this region.

De Palma.

It's about quality...

and tradition.

We've never changed and we never will.

I can't wait till my son Giancarlo carries on

the De Palma name with the same pride that I do.

Enjoy.

Look, I was robbed, okay?

And I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now.

Do you get that?

If you were in my shoes right now, you would...

Oh, hey, man.

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your call.

Oh, please, if only that was the worst thing

that happened to me this weekend.

Oh, well, what do you mean by that?

Uh, let me see, I was robbed.

Some punk couple fakes an accident on Route 33,

and when I'm dumb enough to check on them,

'cause I'm a good Samaritan, what do they do?

They rob me.

- What did they look like? - Of course like models.

They took my car keys, eye glasses, phone--

pretty much everything but my sunglasses.

I had to walk five miles.

First it was cloudy, then it was blazing hot.

That explains your face.

Is it obvious?

- Looks like spam. - Oh, great, yeah.

Check it out, man.

I think we got robbed by the same couple.

What?

You see, I'm a psychic man.

And my senses led me to that punk couple

in this very spot.

I knew you were investigating. Sean, this is our vacation.

I don't get to do this very often.

"Houston Ray white and Houston Ray rose

is clean outta sight."

Houston...

We have a problem.

Vacation's over.

Excuse me.

O'Hara.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, I thought you could use some help

from a detective not dressed as a cub scout.

I came to get my credit card back.

I'm having some lady troubles.

- It's a long story. - Excuse me.

- Gus! - Boom.

A paper trail of deceit.

Look, I was a victim here too, man.

Shawn, you robbed me.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're no different than the thieves

who robbed you of the thing you robbed.

Wow.

Well, that hurts, Gus.

You know why?

Because when I realized your card was gone

I was sick to my stomach.

Yet you still managed to order

pay-per-view and surf n' turf for two to the room.

Yes, to mask the pain that was running deep.

And every bite of delicious lobster was a buttery reminder

of your face.

The local cops found a spent round on the floor.

It's a .38 special.

Oh, now that is a classic.

Go-to munitions for cops and soldiers

since w-w-one.

Typically used in revolvers, but no stranger to semi-auto.

I'm sensing Houston was killed with his own gun.

And do you sense who might have done it?

Nice watch.

Omega Speedmaster special.

About 100k retail.

Clive and Barbie.

Who the hell are Clive and Barbie?

Clive and Barbie are cold-blooded murderers,

who lie and make tennis dates

they have no intention of keeping.

And...

They have my Nintendo.

All right, well, O'Hara and I will stay here

and help the Barney Fife brigade

comb this place for clues,

you guys all head back to the hotel--why the face?

Uh, well, Shawn and I were hoping to work on this one...

together.

Why?

Well, it's our romantic weekend away.

We'll take any alone time we can get.

Fine.

You two stay here and do whatever police work

you feel enhances your sense of romance.

The rest of us will head back to the hotel.

- Happy? - Elated.

I'm so glad.

- All right. - All right.

So what's our next move?

Uh...

I have an idea.

I wouldn't do that, Clive.

- Guys! - Oh!

Hey!

Barbie and I were just saying that we should hang out again.

Maybe go for a hike?

Hi, Jules.

Oh, my God, I love those shoes.

Hmm.

Hot air balloons.

How many ways can we think of to kill ourselves?

Man, you gave Chelsea the slip in a big way, that was cold.

I didn't give anybody the slip.

- Yes, you did. - I did not.

I followed up with Chelsea.

I apologized for leaving so abruptly

and simply informed her that I was coming up here

to spend some time with my son.

You see, my generation embraced the long forgotten value

called respect.

I just hope she got the text.

You never, ever tell a crazy woman where you are.

- She's not crazy. - Yes, she is.

No, she's needy, and I respect the difference.

- That chick is bonkers! - Told you.

Hey!

Hey.

I know you, right?

- I'm Gus. - Right.

- So where's daddy? - I don't know.

I haven't seen him in a while.

Ooh.

Hey, pop-pop.

Man, there are some cuties up in here.

Look at that.

So how'd you find us?

- I'm a psychic. - Right.

And I actually paid for dinner.

Seriously, how'd you find us?

We saw that the credit card was declined a half mile away

and we put it together.

So y'all are cops?

- That is sexy. - Huh.

Normally civil servants can't afford the places we hit.

Okay, enough!

It's confession time, where's my Nintendo?

Seriously?

Dude, I think we pitched that.

Oh, God.

- Oh, now I feel bad. - Oh, baby.

You guys lied to us!

You made us believe that you really liked us as people!

- And they killed someone. - Come again?

Well, that's true also, but it's the lying.

It's the lying that's really hurtful.

Well, of all the people we've robbed,

we like you guys the best.

It's true, she went on and on about it

the whole time we were rifling through your stuff.

- But we didn't kill anyone. - No.

Sure you didn't.

Why are you wearing a dead man's watch?

Look, we broke into his room, we took his watch

and a briefcase full of legal documents.

- But that's it. - That's right.

We are dirty thieves,

but we are basically nice people.

And we are totally against animal cruelty.

And illegal downloading.

Piracy makes me sick.

Wait a minute.

That's not the gun that killed Houston Ray.

That's a fake, it's a prop.

We stole it from a movie we were working on.

- Yeah. - You guys worked on a movie?

- Yeah. - As extras.

The Wild Stallion.

The Wild Stallion with Connie Selleca?

Oh, she is a total pro, no attitude.

She is all about the work.

You guys are horrible people,

but you're so cool!

Shawn, you gotta believe me.

Do you really think we'd kill a guy for his watch?

And keep robbing highways just a few miles away?

Come on, sir.

What was the time of death on Houston Ray?

Stand up.

Uh, local coroner said 1:00 PM, why?

Hands behind your back.

Okay, uh, where's the last place you tried to use the card?

- Come on. - Uh, Target.

But it was declined. Oh, so embarrassing.

We're the real victims here!

I love you, baby.

So who killed the Texan?

Our house red is from De Palma vineyards--

Soon you'll see my face on every box of that Jesus juice.

De Palma, it's about tradition.

We've never changed and we never will.

We have to go wine tasting again.

You told the police you had never seen the guy

found dead here today.

Well, lots of people visit my winery,

I mean, he's not the first person to die during a tasting.

It's often that people are shot in the gut

and dumped in a barrel?

- No, that was new. - Heh.

Tell you what I think, I think you knew the Texan.

Vineyard is struggling,

he comes in here, wants to buy you out.

But you would rather liquidate than turn your family business

over to a wine box mogul.

So he wouldn't take no for an answer,

you liquidated him.

You couldn't have been more wrong.

Damn it.

Look, I'll break it down.

I hate the wine business.

I hate Ojai and I hate my family.

What?

Even your son Giancarlo?

I don't have a son and if I did

I'd hate him too.

That's just a spiel that I give in the winery

during the tours.

It's all malarkey.

My name is not even De Palma.

It's Goldberg.

Gunner Goldberg.

I mean, would you buy wine from a Goldberg vineyards?

Maybe Spritzer.

That Texan was my ticket out.

He could have put a picture of his ass on the box

for all I care.

That I'd buy.

Curiosity.

I was so desperate to unload I almost accepted

a low ball offer from this other schmuck.

But the guy, I mean, he's leveraged to the hilt.

Money from all sorts of illegal sources and--

And who is that?

A real sad sack.

Listen to me, I am dealing with a lot of crap right now.

A lot of crap.

Sad sack.

- Was his name Jerry? - Yeah.

All right, this is Jerry Kincaid's room.

Housekeeping!

Looks like nobody's home.

All right, guys, look, we gotta keep moving.

Chelsea could be anywhere.

This room is sweet!

It has its own steam room.

You can go.

You could have just asked me to open the door, you know.

Instead of pulling your gun on me.

Sorry, it's force of habit.

Jerk.

That's fair.

Guys?

Drop the gun, detective.

Or I swear I will shoot everybody in their stupid faces!

Worst gentleman's weekend ever.

Thanks.

It's not like Lassiter to not answer his phone.

This is all you.

So...

Jerry wanted to buy the winery but Houston swooped in,

he's taking the deal away.

Jerry just doesn't seem like the killer type.

Well, as we've learned this weekend, Jules,

people are not always what they seem to be.

Except on reality TV.

We're are the real housewives of somewhere.

- What is it you-- - Jerry confronts Houston.

The Texan laughs, all Texan like.

And Jerry loses his schlitz.

That's a thing, right?

Pretty sure that's a malt liquor.

So, clearly there was a struggle.

Jerry ends up with the Texan's gun.

Now calm down, friend.

Without thinking-- Boom! He shoots him.

Or maybe he was thinking, at this point

it's immaterial.

Shawn, the steam room.

Jules, come on, we have a situation here.

It's not the time to steam it out.

Shawn, the steam room!

Wow, you are a randy little lass.

- Unh! - Aarrggh!

- Oooh! - Unh!

What are you guys doing in there?

Jerry trapped us!

Well, how did he do that?

Why doesn't our room have a steam room?

Jules, I got the best available room that they had.

With my credit card!

Come on, Jerry got a head start, let's go!

Henry! Henry!

- Henry? - Aah!

Squinty guy, sunburn, real sad sack?

Oh, yeah, I saw the guy you're talking about.

He left about ten minutes ago

in a silver sedan.

How are we supposed to catch him now?

I'll catch him.

Carlton, there are five different ways out of here

you'll just be guessing.

- Whoa, whoa! - Go, go!

Maybe not, follow me to the activities desk.

That chick is a freak!

Aah!

Would you settle?

I think after this weekend

I can go without seeing you guys for a while.

- Agreed! - Agreed!

All right, let's get this guy.

All:

Yeah, Spencer!

Lassie, I can see you!

We're in the sky!

We commandeered a balloon from the tour desk!

Okay, let's do this! What do you got?

Uh...

I don't really know the names per se...

but it looks like he's crossing over a bridge!

Cheese, anyone?

Not now, Felipe!

Where--would you get your elbow out of my face?

Well, he's passing a big, red, wooden building!

That's settler's homestead, home of the first silk factory

in Central California in 1887.

Crackers?

- Ooh, apples. - It's settler's homestead!

Who--what the hell is that?

It's the first silk factory, it was built in 1887!

Eighteen eighty what?

87, 87!

Well, how is that supposed to help me?

- Will you move over? - You move over!

Oh, yeah, Lassie, I see you again!

You're right behind him!

His route goes the long way, you can cut him off!

Uh, take the upper road,

and floor it!

Wait, okay, left?

Just turn! Turn!

All right, left!

Right here, all right, all right!

Aaaah!

Aaaarrghh!

- Slice, slice! - Slice what?

What do you want me to slice?

Not you! I'll take a slice of cheese.

Oh, here.

- Uh, the orange kind. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mmm.

What the hell are you saying?

I'm so sorry, my mouth is full of cheese!

It's much hotter than I was anticipating.

It's jalapeno cheddar.

Spencer, get your head in the game,

I'm gonna kill you!

He's coming right at you!

There he is! I got you now!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - No, no, Lassiter!

Lassiter, Lassiter!

No, no, no, no!

Aah!

Unh!

Get out of the vehicle!

You drop that weapon or I will drop you!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You got it wrong, you got it wrong.

This is all a big misunderstanding.

Come on.

Turn around, face your vehicle.

Get down on your knees, cross your ankles,

put your hands behind your head.

What, you think I'm a gymnast?

That's crazy, I'm not that flexible.

- What are you talking about? - Just do it.

God.

Surprisingly good work, Spencer.

- We got him. - Yeah, you see?

Jerry was leveraged to the hilt

with some pretty tough customers.

When the Texan swooped in to buy the vineyard,

Jerry found himself on the hook to investors

for a deal he couldn't make.

I will shoot you! Unbelievable.

Faced with a choice--

Hello? Hello?

Huh.

- Aah. - Should we head back now?

No, Felipe, I do believe we'd like to take

the long way home.

Our adult vacation.

Do you wanna see how long it takes for this grape

to hit the ground?

Oh, I do, I really do.

Hercules! I hit a house!

- Try the apple slices. - Yup.

- Please stop throwing things. - Oh, sorry, Felipe.

Sorry, Felipe.

Party pooper.

- Feli-poop. - Mm-hmm.

- We're really up here. - Yeah, we are.

I'm gonna kiss you on the mouth.

Mm.

Heh, nice vacation, huh?

It wasn't a disaster.

Got a hot air balloon ride.

Didn't count on the dead Texan in the wine barrel,

but my fish the first night was delicious.

I let you down, didn't I?

- No, you didn't. - Oh, I did a little.

When I look at Clive and Barbie, they're such a great couple.

Shawn, they're criminals.

Yeah, but they're devoted.

And we're not?

No, we-- no, we are, we are.

I just...

Look, Jules, I know you have these definite expectations,

right?

And that in a perfect world I'd be a little less like me,

you know?

A little more mature, and open to things like

dancing and trips to Ikea.

And I can do that, you know?

And I'm not just saying that because I think I have to.

I want to.

For you.

And for us as tag team champions.

Okay.

I know that you're looking for commitment.

And...

And the "m" word.

And some such...

You didn't think that when I said "definite expectations"

that I meant--

No.

No, no, no, no, of course not.

That would mean I'm a complete moron.

No, I didn't-- I didn't think that.

Because I just wanted to make sure that we were

headed down the right path and we are.

I mean, just coming here, this more than meets

my current expectations.

I'm not ready to get married.

- Are you? - Oh, God, no.

No, no, no.

I mean, it's on my bucket list.

But other than that, uh, hells no.

Thank you for being so much smarter than me.

Hm?

Well, I hope you look that good

when I'm 140.

You know I will.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm gonna have to dispute the room charges.

I mean, who orders pistachio ice cream

at 1:00 A.M.?

We found this in one of the dumpsters out back

of the resort.

I believe this is one of the items

stolen from Mr. Spencer's room.

You know, I've never seen a grown man so upset

over the theft of a toy

that wasn't his child's.

We take our handheld entertainment very seriously.

Well, that's your business.

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