Original subtitles

I just feel like the office could be friendlier,

which is why I think wearing nametags

with your favorite movie on them is actually a great idea.

Ooh, did I tell you I think I found an apartment?

You promised me that we were going to

- stand in awkward silence. - You're funny.

It's in this up-and-coming neighborhood called Mu-To.

Cute, right?

Mu-To is short for Murder Town.

Aww, so that's why the kitchen had drains in it.

Oh, finally. I hope these are worth the wait.

Hi, I'll have two bear claws, a chocolate scone...

[maniacal laughing]

[epic music]

[commotion, people shouting]

Special delivery!

[laughing]

[all exclaim]

Nailed it!

[siren wailing distantly]

We're out of everything.

Oh.

[heroic music]

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --

Oh, here's something cute in East Charm City.

Oh, near the cute insane asylum?

Or near the cute, abandoned mannequin factory

- where all the pedophiles live? - [sighs] I have to

- increase my price range. - Mm-hmm.

Anyone else stay in a hotel carved out of ice this weekend?

Mm, I slept on a pile of clothes

at my weed dealer's mom's place.

Harrowing.

Anyway, I was in Iceland,

at the Wayne Industries managers retreat.

You were in Greenland.

There was a lot of ice.

Anyway, our division has made a lot of noise

because this one has whipped you all into shape.

- [imitates whip cracking] - Ooh.

I don't need to tell you why you shouldn't...

I regretted it immediately.

- Hmm. - They are green-lighting

your anti-rubble umbrella.

- That's amazing! - [all exclaiming]

Bah! Nooo!

[laughter, chatter]

The Rumbrella.

Strong, stylish, lightweight.

- Just like you, Teddy. - Thank you.

That's fantastic. We will have it done by the end of the week.

- Corporate's gonna be like... - Oh...

"What? Who's this squad of bad asses?

Let's give them more projects."

Or we could pick a reasonable timeframe

and Corporate's gonna be like, "What? Who's the squad

of sensible individuals who know how to achieve

- a work/life balance?" - Yeah, yeah.

What? I like Emily's idea better.

Get crackin'. Or as they say in Iceland,

[speaking "Icelandic"]

- What does that mean? - "Sir, please don't urinate

in the thermal hot springs."

I only remember it 'cause I heard it a lot.

No one tells a Wayne where to pee.

[laughter, chatter]

Yeah, but isn't it funny?

[laughs]

They look like they're having fun.

Hey, do you think they'd wanna go... I don't know...

Bowling or something Friday night?

Definitely.

Oh, with you? No.

- Okay, I know you're joking. - I'm not joking.

But I'm still new in town.

I mean, I work all the time.

It can get kinda lonely, you know?

Listen, you seem like a nice person

but you're also their boss,

and a boss can't be friends with their employees.

Well this boss can. [chuckles]

- And here we go, here we go. - [murmuring]

All right, I laid out the schedule for the Rumbrella.

It's ambitious, but we're not afraid of a little hard work.

Fuh-fuh-Fantasy Superhero League update.

- All right, hold that thought. - If you've got the top pick,

- I'd shy away from Superman. - Mm.

Sure, Supes can save an entire building full of people,

but some weeks he only saves Lois Lane.

- And that's just one point. - That's a fact.

Didn't Teddy pick him with his first pick last year?

Oh, I know he did. That was a rhetorical question.

- Suck it, Teddy! - Oh!

Hey, I will suck nothing. All right?

It was the right pick at the time.

Oh, yeah. The right pick

if you want to come in last.

- Like a bitch! - Ooh!

- Yeah! - Oh, fantasy league, huh?

Sounds like my kind of fun. Mixing it up with some friends.

Fair warning: [singsong] I can bring the trash talk.

You do not want me coming for you on a group e-mail.

Sorry. League's full.

Oh. Well, I am super busy anyways.

Otherwise, I would bring it... like a bitch!

Did you just call yourself a bitch?

I am better over e-mail.

Let's see where we're at on the Rumbrella.

Okay, so there's a massive super battle above,

but fortunately, our customer is holding her Rumbrella.

In my mind, it's my sweet grandma.

- And she's bringing me soup. - Nice touch.

- Mm. - Rubble starts to fall and...

[buzzer blares]

[crack]

[shrilly] No!

Grandma!

Ooh, looks like we're gonna be working late tonight.

[lightly tense music]

Doesn't mean we can't have fun. Should we order pizza?

[sighs]

Jackie, what is wrong with this picture?

There are no women or minorities?

Be serious!

What is wrong is I am missing. You can only see my shoulder.

- How did you let this happen? - I wasn't there

when the photo was taken, Van, because you forgot

your ivory cufflinks and made me fly 3,000 miles

- to go and get them. - Oh, so I'm supposed to

wear the gold ones two days in a row like some kind of

certified pre-owned car salesman?

You know what? Maybe I ask too much of you.

- I agree. - Maybe if I want

something done right, I should just do it myself.

- I'd love that. - I'm trying to say

you are incompet... you don't even feel shame properly.

Didn't make the Dream Team, huh, Van?

Hello, Samuel.

And you know that I did.

That...

That is my shoulder.

Really? Well, that's my face.

See, usually people prefer to have those in pictures.

Which is why I'm on Facebook and not Shoulderbook.

Ha ha ha.

Hey, Van.

How come you're not in that photo?

Oh. I like her.

Samuel Greene. Head of Human Resources.

And fully visible member of the Wayne Dream Team.

If you need anything at all, you let me know.

Mm-mm.

Well, he seems nice.

So do chimps. Until you dress them up

and have them perform "12 Angry Men"

for your Yale buddies.

Yes, that happened.

[buzzer blares]

[crack]

Guys, I can't stress enough the importance

of peoples' heads remaining attached to their bodies.

Fuh-fuh-Fantasy Superhero League...

Have you just been playing that fantasy site?

Emily, we're creative people.

We can't just grind away for 15 hours straight.

I totally get that you have a process,

but Corporate said they need this done by Friday.

No, you said you need it done by Friday,

which makes me think you don't fully understand

the meaning of the word need.

It's like when I say I need to own a pet shark.

I don't need one. I just really want one.

Emily don't worry about it, okay?

We're gonna finish this. We know how to manage our time.

[slurping]

Fuh-fuh-Fantasy Superhero League update.

[all exclaiming]

I think I'm gonna go with the Flash this year.

You always wanna go with the Flash.

- You always go with the Flash. - You know, he's sleek.

We can't even see what he's doing.

- That's the point of it. - Why won't they listen?

There has to be a way to motivate them.

[laughter]

There is. It's called being a dick.

[laughter, chatter]

Yeah, but then they'll hate me.

What would that look like? Any different than this?

Look, I'm sure you look at me and think,

"She probably has a million friends."

No. Not once. Not ever. I never thought that.

The other day, I took the elevator up and down,

just trying to meet people.

Oh, my gosh. That's so sad.

There any footage of that?

Look, you're the boss. You've gotta be the bad guy.

- [sighs] - Susan?

Little pin-up of some beach bunnies, eh?

Inappropriate.

That's just my daughter's swim team.

Makes for an uncomfortable work environment.

Get rid of it.

If you want people to do what you say,

you've gotta be the bad guy.

[sighs]

Or someone does.

What's your policy on people using company computers

to play Superhero Fantasy League?

Usually we turn a blind eye, unless it's causing a problem.

What if it is causing a problem?

- Then things get fun. - Mm.

Van, I think I know how to fix the photo situation.

Already done.

I am solving this in a way

that your little mind couldn't possibly comprehend.

You're taking a picture of yourself to Photoshop it

into the picture of the Dream Team,

and then you're gonna mount that in the lobby instead.

- Oh. - Van, please let me help you

before you do something very stupid.

Too late!

It's already done.

Jackie, I know what I'm doing.

My daddy didn't have someone else raise a dummy.

Come on, come on.

Hey, guys. How goes it?

The fantasy site's not loading.

Ron, can you get on?

No. It's blocked!

Blocked? You sure? Let me check.

- [video game-like music plays] - No Wayne, Jose!

- Dang! Dang it to hell. - No Wayne, Jose!

Me, too!

Guys, I was watching that sad YouTube video

of Emily going up and down in the elevator

when that vaguely racist cartoon bandit came on my screen.

What? No, it's just the fantasy site, right?

The entire Internet's gone!

[dramatic music]

I'll check Susan's computer.

Move it, Susan!

My God.

The only site we can get on is Linkedln.

What monster did this to us?

I know who did this.

- Guys, I'm sorry... - It was HR.

- [glass shatters] - ...That HR did this to you!

Man, this is a real bummer.

Dang! Well, guess we might as well get back to work.

Or we could figure out how to get the Internet back.

I mean, we're engineers. This is what we're paid to do.

- Yeah. - Actually, you're paid...

Yeah! No, no, no. Don't worry.

We're gonna put everything else aside

until we figure this out.

[sighs]

Emily, get in here!

Come on!

So I think there was some sort of miscommunication.

I just wanted the fantasy site blocked.

Now they're spending all their time

trying to get the Internet back.

So if you could just put it back.

Emily...[ahem] What do you think HR does?

Oh, well, you know, it's...

HR does the... It's human resources and...

You have no idea.

And neither does anyone else.

So the only way for me to keep my job

is if Corporate sees me doing something.

Okay, but come on.

Taking away the whole Internet

seems a little unreasonable.

That... that's very aggressive language, Emily.

You're flirting with a six-hour anti-bullying video.

- Well... - Oh, did...

did you wanna say something?

No?

Didn't think so.

[edgy music]

[sighs]

All right, this will cut off

the heating, air conditioning and sewage,

but it might get us our Internet back.

Do it.

[electricity fizzles, power down hum]

- [workers murmuring] - [video game-like music]

- No! - Aw, man!

- I should have peed first. - Mm.

Hey, what are you doing coming from HR?

- [lightly suspenseful music] - Uh...

Oh. [laughs] Were you making that whipping noise

to other black people?

No. I was just...

trying to get the Internet back...

for you guys because I knew you wanted it so bad.

- What? - You did that for us?

I mean, nobody screws with Samuel.

I mean, to be honest, Ron even thought for a second

that you were the reason the Internet was shut down.

[forced laugh] Ron.

Yeah, I had you all wrong.

And I try not to use the word hero

outside of a sandwich context...

but you just might be one.

You know, we were being a little tough on you earlier.

What do you say about joining our fantasy league?

Well, I thought you said it was full.

Susan, you're out! And don't gimme

that look, Susan... You knew this was coming.

Guys, let's get back to work on that Rumbrella.

For Emily. You wanted it by Friday?

Did I say that? I don't even remember.

I think you said Monday.

Friday. Definitely Friday.

I think. Whatever. [laughs]

Beautiful.

- You don't think the finger guns

are a little much?

- Hey Van! - Both: Pew, pew, pew.

Hey! [imitates machine gun]

[laughs] You tell me.

- Know what the best part is? - Yes, I do.

But what do you think it is?

I did this on my own.

I personally told the art department to do this

- [elevator bell dings] - for me, all by myself.

So instead of withstanding rubble,

the Rumbrella needs to repel...

[light music]

Did Van Photoshop himself into that?

Yes, he did.

And can we get the photo he used?

Yes, you can.

Both: Hm.

Guess what?

The team is back on track to finish

the Rumbrella, and they invited me

into their fantasy league.

Looks like I hit that friend/boss sweet spot.

I don't believe it. It doesn't exist.

Discard.

- Van, are we friends? - [laughs]

Bosses cannot be friends with their employees.

It is a myth, like the Yeti...

or the unconditional love of a mother.

And he has spent a lot of money

in search of both of those things.

Although I am making progress on the Yeti.

Oh, there he is! Pew, pew, pew, pew.

Ah! [all imitating gunfire]

- Yeah! Yeah, man. - Boom, boom!

Ooh hoo hoo!

What's with the finger guns?

- Oh, you don't know. - Mm-mm.

- You're gonna love this. - Okay.

Follow me.

Now that I'm a fully visible

member of the Dream Team,

everyone is giving me props...

[dramatic stings]

What the hell is this?

You've been memed.

Hey, gunslinger.

[all imitating gunfire]

What is happening here?

Samuel.

- Look what they've done to me. - Van. Come on.

It was just a joke.

Ooh, just a joke.

Well, I have a joke of my own.

Uhh, knock, knock?

Who's there?

- Really? - Susan!

A six-hour anti-bullying video

you'll all be watching this weekend

because I have just written you up.

- [all exclaiming] - No, no, no, no.

You are being ridiculous.

[edgy notes]

You mean as ridiculous as you asking me to stop them from

- playing their fantasy league? - Shh! Shh!

- Wait, what? - What?

- What's he talking about? - [sighs] Guys,

let's be honest, we were bullying.

We need to just take our punishment and walk away

and not listen to anything else anyone says.

- Emily betrayed you. - [workers murmuring]

I didn't take away your Internet for no reason.

She asked me to.

[gasps, murmurs]

[edgy music]

I'm just gonna go ride the elevator up and down

for a while.

And with the tenth pick in the longest draft ever

because Emily had our Internet taken away...

- Susan. - Thanks, guys.

I really appreciate you letting me back in...

Enough, Susan. You're only here so we can kick out Emily.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I should have been straight with you

from the beginning, instead of going to HR.

- Are we cool? - Uh, no.

We're the opposite of cool.

You're on the very short list of things that upset me.

It's you and the shockingly high price of shark ownership.

It's not all my fault.

I wouldn't have done what I did

if you guys would have just finished the Rumbrella,

which is... I don't know... Your job.

- And we said we would do it. - Yeah.

We bitch and we procrastinate because that's what we do.

But we would've gotten it done

at the absolute last possible minute.

You said you had our backs.

But then you went behind our backs.

Yeah, just like all our other bosses.

Except for "I Think I Can Fly" Tom.

He never had the chance.

Relax, Emily. We'll get it done by Friday.

You'll look great. Corporate will love you.

[sighs]

I swear to God, if I open my eyes

and you are wearing that "Scream" mask,

I am going to literally piss myself.

Just open your eyes, Van.

Ha! I told you I was there. I knew it!

The photographer cropped you out

because you were being a dick.

So I told him you were dying

and I needed this for your funeral.

My God.

Did the doctor say how long I have?

If you never give me another raise,

your face right now is payment enough.

You must feel so smug right now,

that you handled this when I couldn't.

[imitating gunshots]

[light music]

That's not how they work.

It's rubble time!

Are you ready, Emily? "Sorry, I'm too busy

"narcing on my friends because I think

I'm better than everybody."

You're not better than everybody, Emily!

[screams]

[clears throat]

I'm sorry. Please don't write me up.

I've been working really hard.

I'm here to inform you that the Internet is back on

and you don't have to watch the anti-bullying video.

What happened?

I'm not at liberty to say.

I see that open-toed shoe, Susan.

This is a place of business. We're not in the club.

So if I do this,

none of them have to sit through it, right?

As long as the six-hour anti-bullying video

gets watched four times, my quota is filled.

It can't be that bad.

Oh, I've seen it break NAVY SEALs.

There's a 75-minute song about name calling

performed by a puppet.

- Enjoy. - [orchestral music]

[sighs]

Hi, I am recovering super villain Prince Evillo.

I know, I know. The name.

Anyway, I am required to talk to you...

- [yawns] - About bullying.

What? I am doing it!

So remember what R-E-S-P-E-C-T spells out.

- The R stands for "Respect." - R. E.

The E stands for "Everybody better respect me."

[dark music]

I don't get it. Jay Z can say that word and I can't?

- [groans] - [thud]

[video soundtrack continues]

Oh, she's been doing this for 24 hours?

She told me not to tell you, and I wasn't going to,

but then she started twitching.

- All: Ooh! - Yep. There it is.

Uh-oh. Let's get her out of there.

Ooh.

If a bully's being mean...

I'll always intervene

'Cause being kind and friendly's

Part of my daily routine

Hey, it's over. You're safe now.

Thank you for taking that bullet for us.

Least I could do.

I'm sorry I screwed everything up.

I was trying to be a boss and a friend,

but I guess I ended up being neither.

Oh, Emily. That's not true.

- Really? - Of course.

You're definitely our boss.

And definitely not our friend.

That played out differently than I thought it was going to.

It's just that we barely know you.

But we could get to know you. I mean,

we still haven't finished our fantasy draft.

Fuh-fuh-Fantasy Superhero League update.

All right, Emily. It's the tenth pick. You're up.

Should I take Batman or Crimson Fox?

- I met Crimson Fox. - Well, you gotta go

- with who you met. - Everyone knows that.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay. Crimson Fox.

- [laughter] - So dumb!

Not even Crimson Fox would pick Crimson Fox.

- Well I bet your grandma would. - What does that even mean?

- I don't know. - [laughter]

Jackie, I just realized I left those cufflinks in Greenland.

I need you to hop on a redeye and have them back

in time for my dinner tomorrow night.

Do you mean these cufflinks?

Thank you!

Didn't... polish them.

[light music]

Totally different cufflinks.

I can't believe you've put up with him all these years.

He always remembers my birthday,

he got my really dumb kid into a really good school,

and when my dog needed super-expensive surgery,

he paid for a guy to come to my house and put him down.

Well, that's... sweet.

So...

let's take a look at that finished Rumbrella.

All right, Ron's grandma is rolling down the street.

The Flash... My number one pick...

Throws Professor Zoom into a building

because the Flash is the man.

And... this happens.

[buzzer blares]

[boulders crashing, thudding]

It works!

I mean, obviously it works because these guys are the best.

The rubble bounces off, but it destroys

- everyone around it. - Ah, ah, ah.

Not if they have Rumbrellas too.

Everyone has to have one. Ooh!

The Rumbrella taketh but, boy, does it giveth!

[all exclaiming]

- Breaking news. - Oh, hey guys, check this out.

Super villain Sinestro just imprisoned

the Flash in the Phantom Zone.

So it looks like the Scarlet Speedster's

gonna be out all year.

- Ohh! - Hey, Teddy, didn't you

pick the Flash, like a bitch?

- Ooh! Damn, girl! - [laughter]

And in a shocking turn of events,

Crimson Fox just saved an entire cruise ship.

- What? - So if you were crazy enough

to take her, ha, you're feeling pretty good about yourself.

Ohh! Snap! I own all of you.

- I don't need to to tell you... - Yep, immediately regretted it.

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