All language subtitles for Portlandia s04e03 Celery.eng

[Phone rings]

9-1-1 where is your emergency?

There is blood everywhere.

That sounds very grizzly, sir
I'm just going to ask you a

couple questions. Have you had
any trouble urinating?

No.

Do you have any new
sexual partners?

No.

I need to know what you had
for dinner this evening?

A salad.

Could there have been
beets in the salad sir?

There is spinach...

Was there goat cheese?

Oh yeah, actually there
were beets in there.

Yes beets often change the consistency
and the color of your stool.

- Really?
- You are going to be fine.

I promise it's not
blood, it's beets.

Oh damn ok, thank you.

You are very welcome.

9-1-1 what's your emergency?

Please stop crying.

Don't roll your eyes.

They can't see me rolling my
eyes, she doesn't know I'm

rolling my eyes.

What?

What have you eaten today?

I had a bowl of soup.

At any point do you think you
had any beets?

- No.
- Ok,

what kind of soup was it?

Borscht.

Borscht is actually
made from beets.

So you did have beets.

What should I do?

Just flush a couple
times, it will be fine.

[Toilet flushing]

9-1-1 where is your emergency?
Are you able to breathe?

Yeah.

- Is it beets?
- Yeah.

Great.

- Hi was it beets?
- Yup.

Thought so.

9-1-1 how are those
beets you ate tonight?

Hi I assume it's beets?

Beets butt what's your problem?

Do you have a red toilet?

All that is ma'am is just
beets discoloring your stool.

You can call it a stool stain.

You don't have rectum cancer.

It's beets.

You didn't notice
I had a hair cut.

Where did you get a hair cut?

Right here.
This is shorter.

[Phone rings]
9-1-1 what is your emergency?

I've had a car accident.

Can you tell me your exact
location?

I'm not sure.

Did you have a beets in a
salad, or beet chips or...

Beets am I understanding
you correctly?

Beets the vegetable.

I was in a car accident,
there's a...

I'm covered in red,
wait a minute.

You know what, you're
right it is beets.

I crashed into a beet truck. How
the heck did you know that?

Sir, it's always beets.

I think I'm covered
in beet juice.

Of course it's beets sir, thanks
for calling.

Hello, 9-1-1.

[Theme music]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Settle down everyone.

It's been a good year.

Heirloom tomatoes didn't even
exist five years ago.

Now eaten like steak,
kale consumption is at

an all time high.
[Applause]

Excellent work Larry.
Hahaha,

and brussels sprouts are back.

Don't know how you did it Bill.

Bill: Ah, they sell themselves.

Which brings us to celery.

Yes, Marty I'm
talking about you.

Marty: Yeah, doing
the best I can here.

Your numbers are down.

- Yeah.
- Look at this graph.

Oh because my graph...

That's you down here.

I don't have that same graph.

Oh.

Did you ever here of a
thing called Bloody Marys?

I need new ideas Marty.

What I'm trying to get back to
you is just food, just a basic

stick of celery is
good in and of itself.

Really Marty? Because I
feel like celery is limp.

Ah, old celery is,
I'm talking about

the new and improved celery. I'm
gonna do a whole, a whole viral

celery phenomenon that is just
going to knock your socks off.

My socks are already off, Marty.

Popeye, I'm gonna talk with uh,
who does Popeye? It's not

Hannah-Barbera, no I'll find
out. I'll get on it.

And I think we should have the
New Adventures of Popeye.

- Instead of eating spinach. He eats celery.
- Bill?

I've got an idea of
where to put the celery.

How about the, what is it
called, the dumpster?

[Laughter]

I just wanted to announce that
we just got an account with

Virgin Airlines. For brussels
sprouts to be featured on the

menu. With flights as a dessert.

Oh. Bravo.

- Honey and maple syrup.
- Real results Marty.

- That's what I'm looking for.
- I'm old school.

And I think most people when you
talk to them they would agree.

Marty you know who else
was old school?

Dick with alfalfa sprouts and
now Dick is gone.

We need new ideas.

I'm out of ideas! I don't know
what to do anymore.

Well, what about ants on a log?
You know, you put the two little

raisins and a smiley face.
That's how we met.

- That's how you wooed me.
- They laughed at me when I did the

peanut butter and the raisins.
They were pointing at me going

- that's your idea?
- I don't know why they'd laugh.

Because you're a good guy and
that's a good snack.

They're going to fire me. You
understand? They're going to

- fire me. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Have some dinner.

- Beet salad?
- They were on sale at the market.

Yeah. Would it kill you to put a
little celery in there?

- In a beet salad?
- It's good!

- It doesn't taste good honey.
- Why don't people like celery?

It's full of soluble and
insoluble fiber.

You don't understand that's very
hard on the digestive system.

- Ahhh.
- My life is falling apart.

[Music]

Seventeen has just come in.
Number fifteen is paid.

Number twelve is ready.

- Hi, welcome to Order Grill.
- Hi.

- One?
- Yeah.

Welcome to the Order Grill.
Where the ordering experience

is tailored to your needs. First
of all, how was your day today?

- It was fine, thank you.
- Fine, ok. That's great.

So you gotta fill this out.
There's a new email that you

make up for here. And then you
do your protein preference.

Then it's your veggies. There's
tomatoes, fried green tomatoes,

sun dried tomatoes, cherry
tomatoes, red bell peppers and

then beverage bonanza. Ok,
that's just for...

- I know it seems like a lot.
- It does seem like a lot.

But it's not. And you would be
number eighteen. Guys number

- eighteen is putting in their order.
- It's a pastrami sandwich.

Don't tell me your
order. That's not me.

Come on, come on. Let's go to
the first station.

- It seems complicated.
- Complicated!

- What are you talking about?
- I'll let you go.

- Hi, I'm Lillian and
I designed this restaurant. - Hi.

What I've done is I've changed
the form and therefore the

entire essence of ordering.
You're going to order whatever

- you want. Can I give you a map?
- Pastrami sandwich.

[Music]

So drink station is right over
there. To the right and then

back to the left. And the ice
station is right back over there.

So you have the ice and
the soda at opposite ends.

I know, haha. Um, ok, fourteen
twenty-eight.

And when do I get my food?

- Pastrami sandwich.
- Is that me?

- Pastrami.
- I have a potato flag.

- Is that helpful?
- Pastrami sandwich.

- Twelve?
- Is your name Pastrami?

- No.
- Pastrami?

- Does it have Sauerkraut on it?
- No, then it's not yours.

- It's probably mine.
- We'll start it from the

beginning.

Trish: - Hi, I'm Trish.
Jayme: - I'm Jayme, welcome to Pet

- Haven.
- This is Jack White.

Jack White loves to run away.
Yeah, it's a really good dog for

- running away.
- If you're someone that loves

- the chase.
- If you want to make fliers,

- if you want to be stressed out
all night. - That dog is for you.

[Music]

Hey, can I get a Bloody Mary
please? Thanks pal.

What the hell is this?

Pickles? Pickles in a Bloody
Mary? Where's the celery?

This is not proper bartending.
This is bullshit.

Oh, hey Bill. Bill! Bill!
Hey, it's me Marty.

- How are you doing Marty?
- Hey, can I buy you a drink and

maybe pick your brain a little
bit? Hey, can I get a Bloody

Mary for my friend here.
Congratulations on a great year.

- I mean, wow.
- Well,

- boy oh boy.
- We just got an account

with the country of
Russia. Imagine that.

- How do you do it?
- In order to get up you've got

to use your brain. You've got to
use your, you know, your

- intellect. How are you making
people re-think celery? - Soup.

Does that seem exciting to you?
Soup? You're going to walk into

a five star restaurant and say,
"Hey you guys need to start

selling celery soup." You want
people to get something in a

plate and go, "Try this, try
this." You think they're going

to do that about soup? Who are
you partnering with?

- For a while raisins. But...
- What is it 1955?

I need help.

Look, I'm gonna... I'm going to
give you a phone number.

You've got to reach out to some
other foods. You did not get

this from me.

Bacon? You son of a gun.
This guy is a genius.

Don't be desperate. Stop being
sweaty about everything.

Make a new business partner, but
don't get too friendly.

You understand what I'm saying?
The stove is hot don't burn your fingers.

[Phone rings]

- Hello?
- Hi honey, it's me.

I got a lead on something and
I'm pretty excited about it.

I'm going to have to go away for
a little while.

I don't like how you're sounding
Marty, please come home.

- Do you trust me?
- Yeah, I trust you.

- Just be careful, ok?
- Of course I'm going to be

careful. And I'm going to get us
both those cell phones we want.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

[Kissing sounds]

[Music]

[Texting sounds]

Like, like. Happy B-day.

[Texting sounds]

Ok, Ms. Brownstein you are here
to declare social bankruptcy.

I want you to be clear on what
this means. You will be absolved

of all debt. All your Facebook
friends will be gone, all your

emails and voicemails will be
deleted. All your Twitter

followers will be gone. You'll
be able to start with a clean

slate. But this is kind of the
nuclear option.

[Text message]

Do you want to get that?

It's like it physically hurts
when it goes off.

- I just want you to know.
- I'm sorry hold on, hold on.

If you need to, you know, like a
couple of friends. Instagram or

- something.
- I don't, I don't want to do

- any of that anymore.
- We do offer counseling to help

- you sort of get out of debt.
- I tried that, I feel like my

- bandwidth is just full.
- I have some template responses

I use... um, pet pictures. I'll
just write, "Cuuuuuute."

- Just with like a bunch of Os.
- Cute is with a U.

- No, C-Y-O-O-O-O-T.
- I appreciate that you've come

up with a method for dealing
with it. I don't want to live my

life like that.

You're just supposed to
put that in there?

[Sips]

I'm so jacked up right now. You
know, Pink re-tweeted me

- recently.
- Yeah, that must feel

- fulfilling.
- Huge. One of my biggest ones.

A play on words, I said, "Abacus
is a machine you can really

- count on."
- I can't wait to miss out on

- jokes like that.
- Alright, Ms. Brownstein.

- You can sign right there.
- I'll go to the library and

- find something in a book. And...
- What's a library?

Is that like a big Kindle?

Oh my God, Fred, I just got back
from Powell's. I got so many

books. I got that one Lorrie
Moore book that I have not read

yet. I went to acupuncture then
I got a massage. I just have so

much time I feel like I'm just
soaking it all in.

- I feel so alive.
- I'm sorry, do I know you from

- some place?
- Seriously?

Yeah, you seem very cute and I
hope that we met somewhere

great. Are you
visiting Portland?

- Fred, it's Carrie.
- Carrie? Carrie what?

Brownstein, B-R-O-W-N-S-T-E-I-N.

- Listen.
- Ok, are you on Facebook?

No, I'm not on Facebook anymore.

So you are not on there.
Are we friends?

- Yes we're best friends.
- We're best friends?

We're best friends.

Let me just Google you, wow I've
never seen a blank Google page.

It's almost like you
don't exist, you're not

on Google at all
Carrie Brownstine.

- Stein.
- I don't no anything

about you if you're
not on here or on Instagram.

- Are you on Instagram?
- No.

I want to go back,
I changed my mind.

Just give me a second, meowbama,
for pawsident, let's go.

Ok, so here are other people who
aren't online, your new group

of friends, say hello to
Bronwin, your aunt Elizabeth

Dave, Coma Dave and a baby.

What about my other friends.

They're gone.

I'm making a scrap book for you,
about the spotted owls

that I told you about them in
the '70s and all the big ruckus

that they caused.

She is your Wikipedia now.

Now they were trying to get the
barred owls to be killed.

I have to go, I'm so sorry, I
miss the internet.

- This is what you wanted.
- Fred, Fred!

But owls are very amazing.

I'm still online, thanks.

Fred, Fred I'll get
back online, I'll leave a

giant digital footprint.

Hello?

Who is it?

Oh hi it's me Marty from celery,
are you the bacon guy?

You're a little bit early, I've
never really heard that word

before, "The bacon guy" if
that's what you'd like to

call me I don't really care.

I don't mean any disrespect, I
get called the celery guy.

Well you're a man who
celebrates, sells celery

so therefore you're a guy
and you're the celery guy.

I actually think that celery is
exciting in its own right.

It's not that I need bacon.

But right now I could
really use some help.

What do you have for me, that's
what I'd like to know.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'm married.

Oh well.

But I'm willing to share the
profits, of course.

Once celery takes off.

You want to play games with me?

I do not want to play games with
you, I'm here to make a deal.

I'm here on business.

Well this is what I'd like, I
know you have a wife and I

would like one night with your
wife and then we will be in

business together and
you'll be a huge success.

You want to sleep with my wife?

I would, yeah, I'd like that.

No offense, I don't
think she'd like you.

Nobody does.

I'll do it.

Do you want to see
a picture of him?

I'm good.

Ok, I want you to understand I'm
not asking you to do this.

Listen I'm going to have sex
with the bacon guy, celery is

going to get back on top and we
are going to take that trip.

To Santa Barbara like we keep
saying we are going to do. Ok?

I'll talk to him, maybe he
would go for a hand job.

- Ok.
- Ok, this is just...

I give a great hand job by the
way that is not a downgrade.

It's going to feel like
intercourse for him.

What's wrong with me, stupid
celery, what am I doing?

You don't look so good.

My wife is going to
bang a guy from bacon.

Do you know what
F-B-I stands for?

- You're from the FBI?
- Don't look at me.

We've been investigating bacon
for years, if you were willing

to wear a wire I think we could
bring bacon down, you in?

I'm in, I'll do
whatever it takes.

Popcorn?

- Thanks
- You're welcome.

Are you going to
call me or anything?

[Music]

Do you own any change?

Spare change do
you have a dollar?

Spare change?

Does anyone have a dollar?

- Help us out.
- Do you have a dollar?

Hi do you have a dollar?

This is going to sound kind of
weird can I like join you guys?

I just have had this corporate
job for years, 9-5 everyday

is the same it's so
monotonous, you know like,

this one day my co-worker said
to me "Thank God it's Friday"

and you know what I did?

- I laughed.
- Yeah, do you have a dollar?

All I have is a five. Do you
guys have any change?

- Sort of getting it.
- Yeah, but you want to do like...

Do you have any change,
you got to do some volume.

Do you have a dollar?

- Dollar. - Dollar. - Dollar.
- Dollar. - Dollar.

So could I like join
up with you guys?

Yeah, give us a dollar.

So you are going to be one of us
you got to dress like one of us.

Yeah, I mean these are the colors
I sort of live in sort of a cats

tongue this is like a lavender,
this is like a devotion blue.

Yeah, that's got to go.

[Music]

Things have to hang,
you need a lot of this.

What are those for?

Just so you can hear it.

I don't know it doesn't feel
like me, I feel a little exposed.

It's because you don't
have your animal.

Yeah.

No.
[Dog whimper]

No.
[Dog whimper]

No.
[Meow]

Now what?

Now we walk around.

[Music]

Hey guys, sorry I don't think
this is working for me.

My therapist said I needed to
get out, get more exercise.

I think I'm just
going to go join a gym.

That's going to take a lot of
pan handling to...

I'm actually rich, I
have a lot of dollars.

Wait, you're rich?

Yeah, I have a ton of money.

I mean I'm rich too.

Really?

Yeah, I like grew up in
the South West Hills.

What school did you guys go to?

- Caitlin Gabel, where did you?
- No way! Central Catholic!

What sports did you
play in high school?

I was pretty good at tennis.

I was ranked eighth in state.

- Oh my God.
- Steffi Graf she was like

my hero.

Steffi Graf.

- Weddle fan? Boris Becker fan?
- I was a Beck head.

I knew it.

Do you know Denis McDonald?

Oh he's real famous.

Well it was cool hanging out
with you guys I think I'm going

to go back to work tomorrow.

Oh I don't think you
have to work tomorrow.

Oh yeah, it's Friday.

Huh, T-G-I-F.

Ahh haha.

[Music]

[Computer noise]

[Door bell]

Come in.

- Hey.
- Why, hello Martin.

This is my wife Loraine.

Have you ever seen
a Venus fly trap?

Not in real life.

It's kind of an animal and it's
kind of a plant at the same time.

So she's ready to have a go
with you in exchange for

your help with the
celery deal that we made.

You look like you're
wearing a wire.

Haha. A wire? Why would I--

Run!

Stop running,
somebody catch them.

[Music]

Hey, where were you, we almost
got, what's happening.

We have everything we need,
thanks for your help.

Who are you anyway?

- What kind of rows are those?
- Why is there corn everywhere?

Corn used to be America's
vegetable and then along comes

bacon and makes every vegetable
from zucchini to celery sexier

than corn. I'm sorry you got
caught in the cross fire but

our work here is done.

I was going to whore myself out,
is that still on the table?

Why would that still
be on the table?

For fun.

There was no FBI.
It was all a ruse

big corn had been pulling the
strings all along and celery

was caught in the cross fire,
thank you.

If you want to find out what
happens next, you'll have to

buy my book.

It's done.

[Music]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0