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JUDGE: Nigel Norman Fletcher,
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00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,880
you have been found guilty
of the charges
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00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,760
brought against you and it is now
my duty to pass sentence.
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00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,240
DOOR CLOSES
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00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,560
KEY TURNS LOCK
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00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,240
Cyber-crime is a modern menace.
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00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,560
A man of your obvious ingenuity
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00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:20,560
and intelligence might have used
his gifts on behalf of society.
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00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,000
DOORS CLOSE, BUZZER BEEPS, BARS CLOSE
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00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,720
Instead, you chose to employ them
in the pursuit of self-indulgence,
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00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,640
greed and gain.
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00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:37,200
You will now face the consequences
and go to prison for five years.
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00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,840
- ALARM BEEPS
- OWL HOOTS
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00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:48,120
- Ow! Hell's Bells!
- Oh, bloody hell, Fletch!
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00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,800
Every bloody morning you wake me
up at some ungodly hour.
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00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,840
Duty calls, Joe. Go back to sleep.
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00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,960
I can't go back to sleep.
When I'm awake, I'm awake.
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00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,320
CRUNCHING
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00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,320
- What was that noise?
- What was what noise?
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00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,480
That crunching noise.
You stood on something.
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00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,260
No, I didn't.
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00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:06,606
It better not be my
Leaning Tower Of Pisa.
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00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,760
It's leaning a bit further now.
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00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:16,880
Aw, Fletch! I got a special mention
for that in art class.
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00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,160
Just a bit of glue, that's all it needs.
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Labour of love, this was, you know.
Kept me sane.
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Gave me a sense of pride
and accomplishment.
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- Meant a lot to me.
- Well, if it meant that much to you,
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00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,225
you shouldn't have left it
on the floor, should you?
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00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,560
I could've got a splinter.
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Come on, Fletcher.
Early bird catches the worm.
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Look, I'll make it up to you, all right?
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00:01:35,671 --> 00:01:36,360
You can start
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by not waking me up at the crack of
dawn every morning.
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All right.
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00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,600
Good morning losers,
larcenists, layabouts.
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00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,680
Lots to talk about today.
Congratulations to Scuddsy for
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00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,760
passing his massage therapy course
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00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,120
or, as his first client
described it, GBH.
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00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,680
But, first, here's a song for all
those poor blokes
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that are in here for something
they didn't do.
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They didn't run fast enough.
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? Keep on running ?
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00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,160
? Keep on hiding ?
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00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,840
? One fine day I'm gonna be the one ?
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? To make you understand ?
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? Oh, yeah ?
48
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? I'm gonna be your man ?
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00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:16,560
? Hey, hey, hey ?
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00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,000
? Everyone is talking about me ?
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? It makes me feel so sad ?
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? Hey, hey, hey ?
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? Everyone is laughing at me ?
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? It makes me feel so bad ?
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? So keep on running... ?
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00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:33,960
You know what?
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00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,080
Incarceration's a funny thing, innit?
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00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,680
At least on the outside you get to
choose who you bunk down with.
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00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,640
On the inside, it's wrong'un
roulette, innit?
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00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,640
I'm starting to miss my ex-girlfriends.
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00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,720
I had one who was a thoroughbred
lunatic but at least she smelt nice,
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unlike some people in here.
Naming no names.
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00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,360
Anyway, here's a song for my
cellmate - Joe Lotterby -
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Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit.
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Or in your case, Joe,
smells like moth balls.
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00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,720
Good show today, Fletch.
I was just wondering,
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00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:13,400
could you play some Chas and Dave,
London's finest?
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I might be able to. Any preferences?
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00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:20,440
Snooker Loopy maybe? Or Gertcha?
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00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,000
Wallop! That's a tune!
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00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,640
You're a dark horse, aren't you, Shel?
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00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,920
- You never play any hip-hop.
- Well I can't please everyone.
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00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,800
- Are you ever going to play any Yes?
- No.
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00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,200
Hold on to your handbags,
here comes Ullett.
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- Is this seat taken?
- Yes.
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Don't look like it.
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You know you're not welcome, Ullett.
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It's nothing personal,
it's just we don't like you.
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Why not?
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00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,840
Cos you're a thieving little git
who'd sell his own grandmother.
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00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,040
- Who told you that?
- The bloke who bought her.
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00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,080
I'll tell you what, if you can tell
us a joke we ain't heard before,
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00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,994
we'll let you have
your breakfast with us.
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All right.
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00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,960
This elephant walks into a bar...
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Heard it. Get lost.
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00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,520
Enjoyed your show.
How come you never play any U2?
88
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,240
Aren't things bad enough as it is?
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00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,200
Tell you what, I might you do you a
favour if you can help me out.
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00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:12,982
What favour's that?
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00:04:12,989 --> 00:04:15,040
Seeing as you're our
resident tattoo artist,
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00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,520
I wondered if you could take them
off as well as put 'em on?
93
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,720
Cos I think it's time
I got rid of "Davina."
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00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,360
Well, I can't take
'em off but I can cover 'em up.
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00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,440
Davina, though, a lot of letters.
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00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,600
Shame I never went for someone
called called Joy.
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00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,280
I'll fit you in, it's the least I
can do.
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00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,280
Bro, you've got that DJ business down.
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00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,960
You could do it when you go out.
Maybe even the BBC.
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00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,960
What? Stuck in a radio booth all
week for a few hundred quid?
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00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,680
No, no, no.
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00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,280
Freelance DJ, now you're talking.
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00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,280
Backpack and a memory stick.
104
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,200
Parties in Dubai, Moscow, Hong Kong,
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00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,280
50K a night and A-list crumpet.
106
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,080
Got it all worked out, have you?
Bit premature.
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00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,838
You've got at least
three years ahead of you.
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00:04:53,845 --> 00:04:54,640
Not necessarily.
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- What's that mean?
- Not saying.
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What do you know that we don't?
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- Not saying. Don't want to jinx it.
- Jinx what?
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What I'm not prepared to
say nothing about.
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00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,880
I'll tell you what, I'm taking
a phone call at the end of the day,
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00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,080
after which I might be able to
shed some light.
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00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,080
Shed some light! I've got it. You're
doing your electrician's course.
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00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,680
Give me strength.
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00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,600
What you got there, Joe?
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00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,560
About four weeks of painstaking
work in ruins.
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00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,320
You know I have to get up before
sparrow's fart and I have to
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00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,920
get dressed in the dark, and you
leave things on the floor.
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00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,040
Trouble in paradise.
The honeymoon is over.
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Tell you what, you said you had an
embarrassing tat
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you wanted to get rid of.
Irish will take care of it on me.
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00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,560
- Gang tat, is it?
- Were you in a gang, Joe?
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00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,120
Yeah! 1959, I were a Teddy boy.
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00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,569
Drape jacket with a velvet collar.
Drainpipe pants.
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00:05:48,608 --> 00:05:52,440
Hair creamed back into a duck's arse.
128
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,840
You had hair in them days, then?
129
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:59,560
Yeah. And three inch crepe-soled
shoes. I was the bee's knees.
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00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,160
What was the worst thing you ever did?
131
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,240
Ooh... Day trip to Scarborough.
132
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,282
Well...
133
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:12,480
I went on the pop, got into a fight
and I desecrated the floral clock.
134
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,800
- So where's the tattoo?
- It's "Pauline" on my left buttock,
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00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,120
but I'm not certain
if she's still there.
136
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,400
What do you mean you're not certain
she's still there?
137
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:28,440
Well, she might have faded away-
I can't see down there-
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00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,520
like her face has faded from my memory.
139
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,650
Any volunteers to check
him out in the showers?
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00:06:34,657 --> 00:06:35,360
Pass.
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00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,720
Pass. Cheeky sods.
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00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,640
Bring your buttock over later, Joe.
I'll take care of it.
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00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,880
- Busy, Fletcher?
- I am, as it happens, Mr Braithewaite.
144
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,680
- Preparing for tomorrow's radio show.
- That's why I'm here.
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00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,320
I've been tasked with the job
of seeing you don't include
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00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,920
- anything inappropriate.
- I'm not sure I know what you mean.
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00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,440
Some of your jokes of late have
been a little risque,
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00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,720
- bordering on the blue.
- Oh, you mean one about the gang
149
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,557
nicking all the toilets out
the police station?
150
00:07:00,596 --> 00:07:01,587
Remind me.
151
00:07:01,594 --> 00:07:04,566
Spokesperson said, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
152
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,680
"Nothing to go on."
153
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,760
Oh, I see. That seems harmless enough.
154
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,000
But the one about the haggis
and the rabbi...
155
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,520
- Mr Meekie took offence, did he?
- He did, yes.
156
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,576
So... what have you got for us tomorrow?
157
00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:19,880
You'll love this one.
158
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,560
It's late at night in the countryside
159
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- and a copper's doing his rounds.
- In a car or on his bike?
160
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,040
It don't matter, does it?
161
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,520
What matters is he sees something
strange in a field,
162
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,440
- a bloke having it off with a pumpkin.
- Having it off?
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00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,520
- Yeah.
- With a pumpkin?
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00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,000
Yeah.
165
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,080
What does the policeman do?
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00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,800
He walks over quietly in
his size 12 boots,
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00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,480
gets out his torch, flashes it,
and he says,
168
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,123
"Why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
169
00:07:46,162 --> 00:07:49,960
And the bloke turns round and says,
"Oh, no, is it midnight already?"
170
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,440
Midnight because...?
171
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,760
Well think of Cinderella.
172
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,040
Oh, I see!
173
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,680
But Cinderella
didn't turn into a pumpkin-
174
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,080
that was the coach.
175
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,680
And the footmen, they were turned
back into frogs, or was it mice?
176
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,160
No, she found herself back in her
kitchen rags.
177
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,240
You're a comedian's despair,
Mr Braithewaite.
178
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,040
Nor do I understand why the man
was having sex with the pumpkin
179
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:21,800
in the first place.
180
00:08:21,807 --> 00:08:23,680
Did I fail to mention
it was in Scotland?
181
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,560
Point of fact, Mr Meekie's home town.
182
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,280
Mr Hardacre, please.
It's Nigel Fletcher.
183
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,753
Yes, he's expecting my call.
184
00:08:38,870 --> 00:08:43,360
Now listen, and listen carefully,
it's all going down Friday night.
185
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,880
It's a big haul, gold bars
as well as cash and sparklers.
186
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:52,200
There'll be security but they won't
make themselves too busy,
187
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,840
not if everyone's tooled up
with Uzis and AKs.
188
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:58,800
Give Maggie my love.
189
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,600
Hope her psoriasis has cleared up.
190
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,160
Ciao.
191
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,560
Scuddsy, are you mental?
192
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,680
You know the screws ear wig our calls.
193
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,520
I know they do,
I just love winding them up.
194
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,360
- Is that your mum? Let me say hello.
- No, I'm on the phone
195
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,680
to a very expensive brief
196
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,520
and I've got to talk very quickly
cos I'm paying him by the minute.
197
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:30,520
Hello? Yes, it is me. Never mind
the weather, what happened?
198
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,880
Postponed? For six months?
199
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,120
Why?
200
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,440
You told me it'd be sorted in a week,
201
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,320
that's why I pay you all this money.
202
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,200
OK. You know what you
should do, don't you?
203
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,560
You should do what a duck can't
but a goose can.
204
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,040
Stick your bill up your arse!
205
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,280
So...
206
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,440
a wee bird tells me
your appeal has been turned down.
207
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,040
SARCASTICALLY: Aw.
208
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,800
Still, look on the bright side.
It will give you and I a chance
209
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,560
- to get to know each other better.
- It's been postponed, Mr Meekie.
210
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,560
If you're going to ear wig my calls,
you should listen properly.
211
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,200
- Good lawyer, is he?
- You know what they say, Mr Meekie.
212
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,000
"Good lawyers know the law.
213
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,600
"Great lawyers know the judge."
214
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,360
Postponed doesn't sound good.
215
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,240
At least you've got that
radio show of yours
216
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,800
as a substitute for the warmth
of friends and family.
217
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,040
You're enjoying this,
aren't you, Mr Meekie?
218
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,344
Don't answer that, it's
a rhetorical question.
219
00:10:29,399 --> 00:10:30,520
Oh, no, no.
220
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,880
I'd very much like to answer it...
in the affirmative.
221
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,760
You should tell a lawyer
joke on your programme tomorrow.
222
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,040
I know a very good one.
223
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,600
What's the difference between
a lawyer and a rhinoceros?
224
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,880
I've heard it. Lawyers charge more.
225
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,240
And while we're on the subject,
I know a good record you could play,
226
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,600
something your audience would be
sure to appreciate.
227
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,450
Try me.
228
00:10:54,457 --> 00:10:57,006
Engelbert Humperdinck,
Please Release Me.
229
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,920
MEEKIE LAUGHS
230
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,920
Ten seconds till lockdown!
231
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,440
Hurry up, Fletcher!
232
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,200
How did it go?
233
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,720
It didn't. Got postponed for six months.
234
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,360
And he was so confident.
235
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,080
Yeah, so were you. I told you not to
count your chickens
236
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,360
but you wouldn't take no notice.
237
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,680
Forgive me for looking for a light
at the end of the tunnel
238
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,360
but I do actually want
to get out of here!
239
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,520
All I was trying to tell you was
that you might be barking up
240
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,280
the wrong tree
and flogging a dead horse.
241
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,480
What's a dead horse doing up a tree?
242
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,280
Look, you've got to be resilient inside.
243
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,240
Look for little victories, that's
what your grandad used to say,
244
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,920
cos I don't want you going
ending up like Billy Forester.
245
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,600
All right, who is,
or who was, Billy Forrester?
246
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,160
He were a fella I shared
a cell with about 20 years ago.
247
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,320
He were a lot like
you-cheeky and full of fun.
248
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,600
He had his appeal turned down.
249
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,670
What happened?
250
00:12:00,677 --> 00:12:03,880
Well, it went on for
months but it changed him.
251
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,400
He started mumbling to himself
252
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,360
and he never smiled.
253
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:12,240
He just sat there
like a pimple on a gherkin.
254
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,800
- Did he get out?
- No, he got two years added on.
255
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,760
- What for?
- Strangulation.
256
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,160
What, his solicitor?
257
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,160
No, me. I were trying to cheer him up.
258
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,880
JOE SNORES LOUDLY
259
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,760
JOE FARTS
260
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,200
JOE: Oh, no, no, don't!
261
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,920
JOE WAILS IN HIS SLEEP
262
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960
Oh, no, no, no!
263
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,480
No, stop it, stop it!
264
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,400
Eileen, stop it!
265
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,320
JOE MOANS
266
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,080
HE FARTS
267
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,240
ALARM BEEPS
268
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,240
Oh, no. No, no, no.
That is out of order.
269
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,840
That is totally out of order!
270
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:36,400
What? You're out of order,
waking me every bloody morning.
271
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,200
No, you're out of order.
272
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,120
I haven't slept a wink all night
because of you and now this.
273
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,400
What?
274
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:47,320
Oh, I was cutting
my toenails last night.
275
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,154
And what do we do
when we cut our toenails?
276
00:13:53,170 --> 00:13:56,120
Well we only do them
when we're alone, which I was,
277
00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:01,080
and we throw the parings away,
which I did, except I missed one.
278
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:02,680
Yeah, you missed one.
279
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,360
You're making a mountain
out of a molehill.
280
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,720
There we go again, Inspector Cliche.
281
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,960
It's no wonder Billy Whatsisname
tried to strangle you
282
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,572
because it has to said,
Joe, you have habits.
283
00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:13,427
What habits?
284
00:14:13,528 --> 00:14:15,968
You're always sniffing in the
morning and you're always
285
00:14:15,993 --> 00:14:18,433
scratching your head. If it's not
your head, it's your nose.
286
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,456
If it's not your nose,
it's your apple sack.
287
00:14:19,482 --> 00:14:20,722
If it's not your applesack,
it's your backside.
288
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:23,449
It won't be scratching my backside
for a few days since Irish
289
00:14:23,481 --> 00:14:26,285
removed Eileen. I can't hardly sit down.
290
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,840
You said her name was Pauline.
291
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,160
I know I did
but it turned out different.
292
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,720
I've no idea who Eileen was or why
she's been beautifying my bum
293
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,360
- all these years.
- We're getting off the point.
294
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,360
That's another thing
that drives me crazy,
295
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,840
leaping from subject to subject
like a grasshopper.
296
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,880
I've never complained
about your snoring.
297
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,720
You ought to wear on of them
adjustable chin straps.
298
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,280
Adjustable chin strap? How dare you!
299
00:14:54,280 --> 00:15:00,745
Listen, son, I've been doing stir
for years and I get through it.
300
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,319
You've been here for five minutes
301
00:15:02,355 --> 00:15:05,275
and you're bleating
like a constipated sheep.
302
00:15:05,275 --> 00:15:08,755
All I'm saying is there has
to be rules, standards.
303
00:15:08,755 --> 00:15:12,355
Yes, all right, I'll try.
But a leopard can't...
304
00:15:12,355 --> 00:15:14,955
Change his spots? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
305
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,475
And you can't teach an old dog...
306
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:18,875
To bark up a new tree? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
307
00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:22,195
- And curiosity killed the cat.
- What's that got to do with anything?
308
00:15:22,195 --> 00:15:24,315
It's the only cliche you haven't used!
309
00:15:25,795 --> 00:15:26,835
HE BANGS ON DOOR
310
00:15:26,835 --> 00:15:28,955
Let me out of here!
I'm trying to storm out!
311
00:15:32,435 --> 00:15:37,235
Morning, losers. Welcome to another
day wasted at the Greybar Hotel.
312
00:15:37,235 --> 00:15:40,475
We're stuck in here
and we're going to hell.
313
00:15:40,475 --> 00:15:42,395
Things can't get any worse.
314
00:15:42,395 --> 00:15:44,955
I think it's time we did
something about it.
315
00:15:44,955 --> 00:15:47,555
This is the Kaiser Chiefs.
316
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,235
? I predict a riot ?
317
00:15:49,235 --> 00:15:50,995
? I predict a riot ?
318
00:15:53,355 --> 00:15:54,835
? I predict a riot ?
319
00:15:54,835 --> 00:15:57,195
? I predict a riot... ?
320
00:16:00,195 --> 00:16:02,595
MEEKIE BLOWS WHISTLE
321
00:16:05,555 --> 00:16:07,915
What on earth is going on here?
322
00:16:07,915 --> 00:16:10,355
MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH RADIO
323
00:16:10,355 --> 00:16:14,115
- What was that about, Fletcher?
- What was what about, Mr Meekie?
324
00:16:14,115 --> 00:16:15,995
I Predict A Riot.
325
00:16:15,995 --> 00:16:19,435
I predict a week in solitary if
there's any more of that, son.
326
00:16:19,435 --> 00:16:26,155
And you played three Cure songs
and a James Blunt B side?
327
00:16:27,555 --> 00:16:30,315
If that carries on, I'll be
opening up a suicide hotline.
328
00:16:31,515 --> 00:16:33,435
Can't be chirpy all the time, Mr Meekie.
329
00:16:33,435 --> 00:16:35,795
It was a reflection
of how I feel and you know why.
330
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:38,315
You think you're hard-done by,
do you? But just remember
331
00:16:38,315 --> 00:16:39,835
I can make your life a lot harder.
332
00:16:39,835 --> 00:16:41,995
I thought that was your life's
purpose, Mr Meekie?
333
00:16:41,995 --> 00:16:45,515
That radio show is a privilege,
laddy, and you are abusing it.
334
00:16:45,515 --> 00:16:48,035
Your job is to play records.
335
00:16:48,035 --> 00:16:51,235
Speaking of which,
I have another request.
336
00:16:51,235 --> 00:16:54,595
There is a song
by a band called Queen...
337
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,715
..I Want To Break Free.
338
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:05,372
DOORS CLOSE, BUZZER BEEPS, BARS CLOSE
339
00:17:06,115 --> 00:17:08,715
Oh! Can't unsee that!
340
00:17:11,955 --> 00:17:16,115
It's coming along nicely, Joe.
Still a bit pink but no infection.
341
00:17:16,115 --> 00:17:18,235
He's heard that a few times
over the years.
342
00:17:19,475 --> 00:17:23,675
None of your lip, if you don't mind.
What brings you here?
343
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:25,795
I've come to remove the last vestiges
344
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,715
of an unfortunate relationship.
345
00:17:27,715 --> 00:17:30,155
Davina, the bird who ruined my life.
346
00:17:30,155 --> 00:17:33,115
She didn't ruin your life, you did.
347
00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:37,075
If you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.
348
00:17:39,155 --> 00:17:42,555
IMITATES HIM: If you can't do
the time, don't do the crime.
349
00:17:42,555 --> 00:17:45,955
- No pleasing some people, is there?
- You two still rucking?
350
00:17:45,955 --> 00:17:48,635
Just gets to you, this place.
How do you cope?
351
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,835
Stir's part and parcel
for an incorrigible like myself.
352
00:17:51,835 --> 00:17:53,355
Having a trade helps.
353
00:17:53,355 --> 00:17:55,795
- What's the best tattoo you ever done?
- A fox hunt.
354
00:17:55,795 --> 00:17:57,955
Some mad bugger in County Offaly.
355
00:17:57,955 --> 00:18:00,635
Horses and hounds
covered his entire back,
356
00:18:00,635 --> 00:18:03,275
and you could just see the tip
of the fox's brush sticking out
357
00:18:03,275 --> 00:18:04,795
the crack of his arse.
358
00:18:04,795 --> 00:18:08,075
That was my Sistine Chapel.
359
00:18:08,075 --> 00:18:10,755
Well, hopefully, this won't
take as long as that.
360
00:18:10,755 --> 00:18:12,915
A shortcut would be to keep some
of the letters
361
00:18:12,915 --> 00:18:15,271
and replace the others
with something else.
362
00:18:15,278 --> 00:18:16,075
Like what?
363
00:18:16,075 --> 00:18:17,915
I could stick a P there at the start
364
00:18:17,915 --> 00:18:20,795
and, at the end, make it into a G.
365
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:24,955
"Paving"? What sort of person has
"paving" written on their arm?
366
00:18:24,955 --> 00:18:27,555
It looked great on my Uncle Seamus.
367
00:18:27,555 --> 00:18:28,550
Don't know about this.
368
00:18:28,557 --> 00:18:30,675
Sooner or later,
you'll meet another girl
369
00:18:30,675 --> 00:18:32,315
and she'll want it to have it off.
370
00:18:32,315 --> 00:18:34,235
Let's hope so.
371
00:18:34,235 --> 00:18:35,835
The tattoo, I mean.
372
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,395
- What's that?
- Numbing lotion.
373
00:18:39,395 --> 00:18:41,795
Give us half a pint
and a packet of pork scratchings.
374
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:48,675
Fond farewells and au revoirs
to two of our residents
375
00:18:48,675 --> 00:18:50,115
who are leaving us today -
376
00:18:50,115 --> 00:18:53,955
Hussein al-Rasheed and our young
rapper friend, Bubonic Rap Death,
377
00:18:53,955 --> 00:18:57,555
or, as his mum knows him,
Timothy Ridley-Coombes.
378
00:18:57,555 --> 00:18:59,755
Siberian winds
coming in from the east, lads,
379
00:18:59,755 --> 00:19:01,915
so you'll probably
freeze to death anyway.
380
00:19:01,915 --> 00:19:04,475
I've got a request in here from
Mr Meekie's father-in-law.
381
00:19:04,475 --> 00:19:06,835
I'm sorry I couldn't find
the track he asked for,
382
00:19:06,835 --> 00:19:08,995
My Son-in-law's A Joyless Spanner.
383
00:19:10,915 --> 00:19:14,075
So here is Radiohead with Creep.
384
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:19,555
Sit down, Joe.
385
00:19:19,555 --> 00:19:21,275
- You sure?
- Of course.
386
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:23,835
How you doing, old timer?
387
00:19:23,835 --> 00:19:27,635
- Doing well enough.
- Tell Joe what you told me, Scudds.
388
00:19:27,635 --> 00:19:29,715
Two geezers getting shipped out today,
389
00:19:29,715 --> 00:19:32,515
one of them had a single cell
and it ain't been filled.
390
00:19:32,515 --> 00:19:34,355
What's that got to do with me?
391
00:19:34,355 --> 00:19:38,275
Well, the kanga on that tier and me
have an understanding.
392
00:19:38,275 --> 00:19:41,715
I intimidate him and he gives me
bars of fruit and nut.
393
00:19:42,995 --> 00:19:45,075
I'll have a little whisper in his
earhole
394
00:19:45,075 --> 00:19:46,675
and he'll move one of yous two in.
395
00:19:46,675 --> 00:19:49,515
Cell of your own, eh, Joe?
Dream come true.
396
00:19:49,515 --> 00:19:52,595
- So you want to get ride of me, do you?
- I thought you'd be up for it.
397
00:19:52,595 --> 00:19:54,635
You've been complaining about my habits.
398
00:19:54,635 --> 00:19:57,955
- I thought it was me who had habits.
- I'd rather you moved out
399
00:19:57,955 --> 00:20:00,675
- than I get an adjustable chin strap.
- Whatever.
400
00:20:00,675 --> 00:20:02,755
Why are you giving me
a hard time about this?
401
00:20:02,755 --> 00:20:05,155
I'm trying to do you a favour.
A cell of your own's a luxury
402
00:20:05,155 --> 00:20:06,715
in the bin, especially at your age.
403
00:20:06,715 --> 00:20:09,715
When you're my age, what a fella
likes most is company.
404
00:20:09,715 --> 00:20:14,235
Mind you, I've had better company
talking to a wall.
405
00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:16,995
Well, if I'm that boring, maybe you
are better off on your own.
406
00:20:16,995 --> 00:20:20,085
Maybe I am. So, I'll go and
shift my stuff, shall I?
407
00:20:20,092 --> 00:20:21,121
Whatever.
408
00:20:22,675 --> 00:20:25,835
- Can you believe that?
- Does that mean yous two have split up?
409
00:20:27,675 --> 00:20:30,035
Fletcher! Governor, now!
410
00:20:32,035 --> 00:20:33,755
We're not...
411
00:20:38,475 --> 00:20:41,875
You owe Mr Meekie an apology, Fletcher.
412
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:45,715
Yes, Ma'am. Sorry, Mr Meekie. And
apologies to your father-in-law.
413
00:20:45,715 --> 00:20:49,115
I don't understand what's
happened to your show.
414
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:50,995
You persuaded me to let you have it.
415
00:20:50,995 --> 00:20:53,595
You argued that music has a therapeutic
416
00:20:53,595 --> 00:20:56,235
- effect on the incarcerated male.
- So it does, Ma'am.
417
00:20:56,235 --> 00:20:58,555
Yes, if it's positive and uplifting
418
00:20:58,555 --> 00:21:00,995
and until a few days ago it was.
419
00:21:00,995 --> 00:21:05,235
I enjoyed your show and I'm sure Mr
Meekie did, too, didn't you?
420
00:21:05,235 --> 00:21:10,195
I... It... had some merit, Ma'am,
if you like that kind of thing.
421
00:21:10,195 --> 00:21:13,915
But your recent
choices of music, I mean,
422
00:21:13,915 --> 00:21:18,795
Paint it Black, Back to Black,
Black is Black.
423
00:21:18,795 --> 00:21:20,355
Highway to Hell.
424
00:21:20,355 --> 00:21:23,835
He's using music to stir up dissent
and disobedience, Ma'am.
425
00:21:23,835 --> 00:21:26,435
I have to agree with you, Mr Meekie.
I'm sorry, Fletcher,
426
00:21:26,435 --> 00:21:28,955
but I'm seriously considering
taking you off the air.
427
00:21:30,475 --> 00:21:33,435
Perhaps you're right, Ma'am. Maybe
I'm not in the right frame of mind.
428
00:21:33,435 --> 00:21:36,275
Perhaps Mr Meekie could take over,
maybe he'd do a better job
429
00:21:36,275 --> 00:21:37,995
of lifting the prisoners' spirits.
430
00:21:37,995 --> 00:21:40,235
There's no maybe about it, laddy.
431
00:21:40,235 --> 00:21:43,235
The majesty of Kenneth McKeller,
432
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:46,595
the lifting tones of Moira Anderson,
433
00:21:46,595 --> 00:21:49,435
My Love Is Like A Red Red Rose,
434
00:21:49,435 --> 00:21:53,555
guaranteed to raise the spirits
of any man, woman or child.
435
00:21:53,555 --> 00:21:55,635
Oh, yeah. How does that go?
436
00:21:57,275 --> 00:22:03,755
? Oh, my love is like a red red rose ?
437
00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:08,035
? That's newly sprung in June ?
438
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:10,035
? Oh, my... ?
439
00:22:10,035 --> 00:22:12,035
Stop it, Mr Meekie.
440
00:22:12,035 --> 00:22:14,555
On second thoughts, Fletcher,
441
00:22:14,555 --> 00:22:17,555
maybe I'll give you one last chance.
442
00:22:17,555 --> 00:22:19,315
Thank you, Ma'am.
443
00:22:20,658 --> 00:22:23,987
DOORS CLOSE, BARS CLOSE
444
00:22:24,475 --> 00:22:26,435
- Caught you!
- Caught me what?
445
00:22:26,435 --> 00:22:29,195
Thieving, red-handed,
right in the middle of the day.
446
00:22:29,195 --> 00:22:30,955
I reckon it's a sickness
with you, Ullett.
447
00:22:30,955 --> 00:22:32,555
You're a bona fide kleptomaniac.
448
00:22:32,555 --> 00:22:35,875
- I'm not thieving, I'm moving in.
- What?
449
00:22:37,235 --> 00:22:38,835
I've been reassigned.
450
00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,355
By who?
451
00:22:40,355 --> 00:22:45,155
Mr Meekie. So, do you want
the top or bottom bunk?
452
00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:48,955
Don't move. Do not unpack a sock
until I sort this out.
453
00:22:51,795 --> 00:22:53,795
You get off that bunk!
454
00:22:53,795 --> 00:22:55,595
Don't, Fletch!
455
00:22:55,595 --> 00:22:57,715
- It's mine!
- Get off there!
456
00:23:01,555 --> 00:23:03,875
Scuddsy, Ullett's in my cell!
457
00:23:03,875 --> 00:23:05,955
What's he nicked?
I'll get it back off him.
458
00:23:05,955 --> 00:23:08,915
No, no, no. Meekie's put him in
there. Look, you've got to talk
459
00:23:08,915 --> 00:23:11,915
to your pet screw. I need to get Joe
back in with me. Where is Joe?
460
00:23:11,915 --> 00:23:15,315
His new cell ain't ready yet, so
he's gone for a walk round the yard.
461
00:23:15,315 --> 00:23:17,955
In this weather?
He'll freeze his nuts off.
462
00:23:22,555 --> 00:23:25,995
Joe, what are you doing out here in
the cold, you old loon?
463
00:23:25,995 --> 00:23:29,355
Come on, let's get you back inside.
We've got a lot to talk about.
464
00:23:29,355 --> 00:23:31,395
Joe?
465
00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:33,035
Joe?!
466
00:23:34,515 --> 00:23:37,475
Get the MO! It's an emergency!
467
00:23:40,955 --> 00:23:43,515
Lotterby has been taken to hospital.
468
00:23:43,515 --> 00:23:45,875
The MO reckons it's hypothermia.
469
00:23:47,955 --> 00:23:49,435
But is going to be all right?
470
00:23:49,435 --> 00:23:51,235
I won't sugar-coat it, Fletcher.
471
00:23:51,235 --> 00:23:53,875
When they put him in the ambulance,
he didn't have a pulse.
472
00:24:04,035 --> 00:24:06,715
You not doing the radio
show today, Fletch?
473
00:24:06,715 --> 00:24:08,115
Don't feel like it just yet.
474
00:24:09,155 --> 00:24:13,075
- It's all my fault.
- No, it's not. He was pretty old.
475
00:24:13,075 --> 00:24:16,595
Did he ever talk about it?
How he wanted to go, like?
476
00:24:16,595 --> 00:24:20,275
- Burial or cremation?
- Cremation, that would be my choice.
477
00:24:20,275 --> 00:24:23,395
You would say that, Loomis,
you're an arsonist.
478
00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:27,075
In India, they have a funeral pyre
and the body floats down the Ganges.
479
00:24:27,075 --> 00:24:30,355
I quite fancy a Viking funeral.
480
00:24:30,355 --> 00:24:32,155
What's that?
481
00:24:32,155 --> 00:24:35,635
They put your body
in a boat full of kindling wood,
482
00:24:35,635 --> 00:24:37,515
push it out to sea,
483
00:24:37,515 --> 00:24:40,555
then set fire to it with flaming arrows.
484
00:24:40,555 --> 00:24:43,875
Not being funny, Shel, but you
don't look much like a Viking to me.
485
00:24:45,595 --> 00:24:48,835
And the closest you've
been to the sea is Bermondsey.
486
00:24:48,835 --> 00:24:51,155
We take our holidays in Ilfracombe.
487
00:24:53,115 --> 00:24:55,675
Scudds, what did the hospital say?
488
00:24:55,675 --> 00:24:57,115
Spoke to the nurse...
489
00:24:58,395 --> 00:25:01,995
She said... he's no longer with us.
490
00:25:03,195 --> 00:25:04,595
What, you mean...?
491
00:25:05,955 --> 00:25:07,675
She said he's gone, Fletch.
492
00:25:12,475 --> 00:25:14,275
Hello, everyone.
493
00:25:14,275 --> 00:25:17,035
This is not a good day.
I'm not going to pretend.
494
00:25:17,035 --> 00:25:20,035
I'm sorry to have to tell you that
Joe Lotterby is no longer with us.
495
00:25:22,395 --> 00:25:25,795
My greatest regret is that my last
words to him were in anger.
496
00:25:25,795 --> 00:25:27,875
I'll think about that for
a very long time, Joe,
497
00:25:27,875 --> 00:25:30,395
and I'm really, really sorry.
498
00:25:30,395 --> 00:25:33,515
It's not easy doing time,
we all know that.
499
00:25:34,915 --> 00:25:36,355
We live like sardines
500
00:25:36,355 --> 00:25:38,835
and most of us
are strangers to each other.
501
00:25:38,835 --> 00:25:41,675
Joe had been banged up
longer than any of us,
502
00:25:41,675 --> 00:25:43,355
but he never complained.
503
00:25:43,355 --> 00:25:45,275
I'll miss you, mate.
504
00:25:47,715 --> 00:25:49,755
Porridge will be a lot
harder without you.
505
00:25:49,755 --> 00:25:52,835
Bloody hell, the daft
bugger thinks I'm dead!
506
00:26:01,355 --> 00:26:03,875
Well, I can't say it's good to be back.
507
00:26:06,515 --> 00:26:08,995
That was Bill Withers with
Ain't No Sunshine.
508
00:26:10,035 --> 00:26:13,555
If anyone else has got a song
for Joe, just let me know.
509
00:26:13,555 --> 00:26:16,675
- Johnny Cash, Ring Of fire.
- Oh, you...!
510
00:26:18,275 --> 00:26:19,755
How's it going, Fletch?
511
00:26:19,755 --> 00:26:22,915
How's it going? We thought
you'd snuffed it!
512
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:25,395
Scuddsy rang the hospital,
they'd said you'd gone!
513
00:26:25,395 --> 00:26:28,075
Yeah, so I had. They needed the bed.
514
00:26:28,075 --> 00:26:31,595
Yeah, but they said
that... you... were no longer with us.
515
00:26:31,595 --> 00:26:35,475
Scuddsy, if you're listening,
you're an absolute dingbat.
516
00:26:35,475 --> 00:26:37,447
I've just eulogised
you to the whole nick!
517
00:26:37,454 --> 00:26:38,915
I know, I heard most of it.
518
00:26:38,915 --> 00:26:41,075
It were like being at my own wake.
519
00:26:41,075 --> 00:26:43,595
Lovely sentiments, Fletch.
520
00:26:43,595 --> 00:26:45,795
Now put something cheerier on,
521
00:26:45,795 --> 00:26:47,635
I'm dying for a cup of tea.
522
00:26:47,635 --> 00:26:49,715
INMATES CHEER
523
00:26:49,715 --> 00:26:52,915
All right, that will do, carry on!
524
00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:57,247
DOORS CLOSE, BARS CLOSE
525
00:26:58,635 --> 00:27:00,945
Cup of tea, Joe, just
the way you like it.
526
00:27:00,952 --> 00:27:02,241
Oh, thanks, Fletch.
527
00:27:03,435 --> 00:27:04,795
Do you need a kip, Joe?
528
00:27:04,795 --> 00:27:07,355
You must be feeling a bit off after
what you went through.
529
00:27:07,355 --> 00:27:10,675
Stop fussing. I'm feeling fine.
530
00:27:10,675 --> 00:27:13,635
Do you remember what it was like,
you know, when you were... dead?
531
00:27:13,635 --> 00:27:15,983
- Yeah, I do.
- What happened?
532
00:27:16,046 --> 00:27:17,507
When you went over to the other side?
533
00:27:17,555 --> 00:27:18,785
What was it like?
534
00:27:18,792 --> 00:27:22,475
It were like the Yorkshire
Dales on a summer's day.
535
00:27:22,475 --> 00:27:24,435
What, raining with loads of caravans?
536
00:27:25,915 --> 00:27:27,475
No, you clown.
537
00:27:27,475 --> 00:27:30,595
Rolling hills and gentle streams,
538
00:27:30,595 --> 00:27:33,115
and a maiden in a meadow-
539
00:27:33,115 --> 00:27:35,115
young and pretty.
540
00:27:35,115 --> 00:27:40,275
And the breeze ruffled her frock,
exposing freckled thighs.
541
00:27:40,275 --> 00:27:42,035
Freckled thighs, my word!
542
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:44,755
As I got closer, I recognised her.
543
00:27:44,755 --> 00:27:46,475
It were Eileen.
544
00:27:49,595 --> 00:27:51,675
What, the tat you forgot about
on your bum?
545
00:27:51,675 --> 00:27:53,595
Yeah! That's the one.
546
00:27:53,595 --> 00:27:56,835
She were always just out of reach.
547
00:27:56,835 --> 00:27:58,875
But she seemed to be saying,
548
00:27:58,875 --> 00:28:02,435
"I'll still be here when you get back."
549
00:28:03,755 --> 00:28:07,155
Then I woke up and a nurse
were giving me an enema.
550
00:28:09,515 --> 00:28:13,075
Well, it's nice to have you
back on this side
551
00:28:13,075 --> 00:28:14,995
and I'm sorry I was tetchy.
552
00:28:14,995 --> 00:28:18,075
- I'll try to be better next time.
- Thanks, Fletch.
553
00:28:18,075 --> 00:28:19,555
CRUNCHING
554
00:28:19,555 --> 00:28:20,955
Oh!
555
00:28:21,072 --> 00:28:26,744
Corrected & Synced by Bakugan
556
00:28:26,794 --> 00:28:31,344
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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