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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,195 --> 00:00:04,257 Nigel Norman Fletcher, you have been found guilty of the charges 2 00:00:04,351 --> 00:00:08,149 brought against you, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. 3 00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:10,743 DOORS SLAM, LOCKS CLICK 4 00:00:10,876 --> 00:00:13,516 Cybercrime is a modern menace, 5 00:00:13,516 --> 00:00:15,116 and a man of your obvious 6 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,036 ingenuity and intelligence 7 00:00:17,036 --> 00:00:19,996 might have used his gifts on behalf of society. 8 00:00:19,996 --> 00:00:22,596 LOCKS CLICK, BUZZER 9 00:00:22,596 --> 00:00:24,796 Instead, you chose to employ them 10 00:00:24,796 --> 00:00:27,476 in a pursuit of self-indulgence, 11 00:00:27,476 --> 00:00:29,236 greed and gain. 12 00:00:29,236 --> 00:00:30,876 LOCK CLICKS AND BEEPS 13 00:00:30,876 --> 00:00:36,756 You will now face the consequences and go to prison for five years. 14 00:00:36,756 --> 00:00:38,796 DOOR SLAMS 15 00:00:38,796 --> 00:00:41,396 Is your wife still keeping up with AA? 16 00:00:41,396 --> 00:00:45,476 Yeah, but it's a bit difficult, cos she's doing OA as well. 17 00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:46,836 What's that? 18 00:00:46,836 --> 00:00:48,356 Overeaters Anonymous. 19 00:00:50,156 --> 00:00:54,076 And she's got NA, Narcotics Anonymous. 20 00:00:54,076 --> 00:00:55,356 Has she got a job yet? 21 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,596 Well, she's applied for something at the FA. 22 00:00:58,676 --> 00:00:59,916 What one's that? 23 00:00:59,916 --> 00:01:02,596 Football Association, 24 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,276 but I don't think she'll get it. 25 00:01:04,276 --> 00:01:06,436 She's got to apply for her job-seeker's allowance. 26 00:01:06,436 --> 00:01:08,276 Oh, how does she go about that? 27 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,796 Well, she needs to go down the job centre, tell her to take her 28 00:01:10,796 --> 00:01:13,676 P45 with her, and she's going to fill out a form or two. 29 00:01:13,676 --> 00:01:17,596 She's got to take some sandwiches, cos she'll be there three days. 30 00:01:17,596 --> 00:01:19,956 Cheers, Fletch. I owe you. 31 00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:21,276 I know. It's in the book. 32 00:01:21,276 --> 00:01:22,316 Next. 33 00:01:25,076 --> 00:01:27,956 My Sheila liked your letter - going to come for a visit. 34 00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:29,316 Oh, that's great, Loomis. 35 00:01:29,316 --> 00:01:31,236 Yeah. Can you do another one for Gail? 36 00:01:31,236 --> 00:01:32,556 Who's that? Old flame? 37 00:01:32,556 --> 00:01:34,196 No, no. It's my wife. 38 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:38,036 Oh, you're on fire, aren't you? 39 00:01:40,276 --> 00:01:41,716 What's he in for, bigamy? 40 00:01:41,716 --> 00:01:43,076 No, he's an arsonist. 41 00:01:45,196 --> 00:01:47,156 You wrote a letter to my wife Gwynneth. 42 00:01:47,156 --> 00:01:48,196 - Did I? - Owen. 43 00:01:48,196 --> 00:01:50,196 - Owen. - Ten days ago. 44 00:01:50,196 --> 00:01:52,276 She's written back. Can you read it for me, please? 45 00:01:52,276 --> 00:01:54,876 You know, if there's a queue, Owen, you don't have to wait for me. 46 00:01:54,876 --> 00:01:57,116 Just give it to one of the screws. They read all the mail. 47 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:58,196 That's shocking, that. 48 00:01:58,196 --> 00:02:00,676 I don't want them being privy to my innermost thoughts. 49 00:02:00,676 --> 00:02:04,036 Well, they're my innermost thoughts, because I wrote it for you. 50 00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,716 Let's have a look, shall we? 51 00:02:05,716 --> 00:02:11,196 "Dear Owen, I read your letter and apreciate..." Only one P. 52 00:02:11,196 --> 00:02:13,796 "..that you are so in remorse for what you've done. 53 00:02:13,796 --> 00:02:15,916 "Trouble is, you had done what you'd done before 54 00:02:15,916 --> 00:02:17,356 "and you'd done it before that, 55 00:02:17,356 --> 00:02:18,916 "and my fear is you'll do it again, 56 00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:21,636 "just like you had done all those other times." 57 00:02:21,636 --> 00:02:22,756 What does she mean by that? 58 00:02:22,756 --> 00:02:24,526 She thinks you're an incorrigible recidivist. 59 00:02:24,533 --> 00:02:25,116 A what? 60 00:02:25,116 --> 00:02:27,516 She thinks you've done it before. 61 00:02:27,516 --> 00:02:29,076 Hold on, there's more. 62 00:02:29,076 --> 00:02:31,996 "I've decided I will visit you, even though the girls at the salon 63 00:02:31,996 --> 00:02:34,396 "advise against it, on account of what you done, 64 00:02:34,396 --> 00:02:35,847 "and the last time you done it, you 65 00:02:35,854 --> 00:02:37,842 done it during the national anthem." 66 00:02:40,636 --> 00:02:42,876 - You didn't, did you? - I couldn't help myself. 67 00:02:45,276 --> 00:02:47,036 "PS, your spelling's improved. 68 00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:49,116 "Good to see you're learning something inside." 69 00:02:49,116 --> 00:02:50,956 Case closed. That's you done. 70 00:02:54,316 --> 00:02:56,636 All right, Bluebeard? Sit down. 71 00:02:56,636 --> 00:02:57,756 What can I do for you? 72 00:02:57,756 --> 00:02:59,436 I want my brother killed. 73 00:03:02,436 --> 00:03:03,596 Oh, yeah? 74 00:03:03,596 --> 00:03:05,116 And when do you want this to happen? 75 00:03:05,116 --> 00:03:07,476 Christmas Eve. 76 00:03:07,476 --> 00:03:09,676 This is Fletcher's Friday Clinic, you muppet. 77 00:03:09,676 --> 00:03:12,396 You want Murder Incorporated - they're over on E wing. 78 00:03:15,636 --> 00:03:18,236 I think I need a break after that. 79 00:03:18,236 --> 00:03:21,156 You know, considering we don't do any killing, 80 00:03:21,156 --> 00:03:22,516 we're making a killing! 81 00:03:22,516 --> 00:03:25,316 Yeah, well, if I can help someone as I pass along... 82 00:03:25,316 --> 00:03:27,956 Just make sure they all pay up. Get us a cup of tea. 83 00:03:27,956 --> 00:03:30,116 I'm Barry, Barry Mayhew. 84 00:03:30,116 --> 00:03:32,036 All right, Barry? You're new, aren't you? 85 00:03:32,036 --> 00:03:34,596 - How are you holding up? - Yeah, keeping it together, just. 86 00:03:34,596 --> 00:03:35,876 It's rough sometimes, mate, 87 00:03:35,876 --> 00:03:37,956 but remember, the first two years are the worst. 88 00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,756 Well, that's some consolation. 89 00:03:39,756 --> 00:03:41,396 I'm just geeing you up. Sit down. 90 00:03:43,276 --> 00:03:44,916 You look seriously stressed, Barry. 91 00:03:44,916 --> 00:03:46,876 You can't do that. You've got to put up a front, 92 00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:48,196 and you've got to walk the walk, 93 00:03:48,196 --> 00:03:49,936 otherwise they'll all think you're a fraggle. 94 00:03:49,943 --> 00:03:50,516 Fraggle? 95 00:03:50,516 --> 00:03:51,756 Someone who's vulnerable. 96 00:03:51,756 --> 00:03:53,436 Oh, right, yeah, cheers. 97 00:03:53,436 --> 00:03:54,796 The thing is, I need a favour. 98 00:03:54,796 --> 00:03:56,516 Well, it'd better not be a fiscal favour. 99 00:03:56,516 --> 00:03:57,836 I can't put my hands on any money 100 00:03:57,836 --> 00:03:59,516 till I get out of here and find a shovel. 101 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,116 No, I need you to write me a letter. 102 00:04:05,116 --> 00:04:06,836 I've been watching you, listening to you 103 00:04:06,836 --> 00:04:08,436 when you're talking to the others, 104 00:04:08,436 --> 00:04:10,956 you know, and you've obviously got a way with words, 105 00:04:10,956 --> 00:04:14,276 and I don't... 106 00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:16,276 have a way with words. 107 00:04:16,276 --> 00:04:18,516 So I see. Letter to your brief? 108 00:04:18,516 --> 00:04:21,276 Girlfriend. Well, ex. 109 00:04:21,276 --> 00:04:23,676 Listen, do you know enough to know how it works in here? 110 00:04:23,676 --> 00:04:25,956 Yeah, do you want sweets, soap or smokes? 111 00:04:25,956 --> 00:04:30,116 Well, currency of any sort, but phone credit's my favourite. 112 00:04:30,116 --> 00:04:31,316 This is her. 113 00:04:31,316 --> 00:04:33,556 Mmm. Pretty girl. 114 00:04:33,556 --> 00:04:36,316 Yeah. I let her down real bad, and I just need to... 115 00:04:36,316 --> 00:04:37,756 Convey the extent of your remorse? 116 00:04:37,756 --> 00:04:41,396 Yeah, yeah, yeah, and make her realise, like, that I'm... 117 00:04:41,396 --> 00:04:42,436 Consumed by guilt? 118 00:04:42,436 --> 00:04:45,676 Can't sleep at night knowing you've betrayed her trust? Yeah. Yeah? 119 00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,476 You seem like a nice enough fella, Barry. 120 00:04:47,476 --> 00:04:51,236 Tell me, why did it all go wrong with... what's her name? Joanne. 121 00:04:51,236 --> 00:04:53,916 Joanne. I went out with a Joanne once. 122 00:04:53,916 --> 00:04:57,156 She left me for a lady contortionist at the Cirque du Soleil. 123 00:04:57,156 --> 00:05:00,236 Talk about getting your knickers in a twist. 124 00:05:00,236 --> 00:05:02,516 I ripped off her parents' life savings. 125 00:05:02,516 --> 00:05:06,236 Oh. I was hoping for something simple like bonking her mate. 126 00:05:06,236 --> 00:05:08,276 I had this sure-fire deal, couldn't miss - 127 00:05:08,276 --> 00:05:09,436 property development. 128 00:05:09,436 --> 00:05:12,396 I persuaded her old man to come in on it. We'd make a bomb, I told him. 129 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,316 All went tits up. They lost everything. 130 00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:15,356 Market crashed? 131 00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:17,796 No, it made a fortune, but then I embezzled it. 132 00:05:20,436 --> 00:05:22,996 Bit of an uphill, Barry, getting Joanne back on your side. 133 00:05:22,996 --> 00:05:25,956 I just want to express my shame and self-loathing. 134 00:05:25,956 --> 00:05:28,036 That's good. Get that down. 135 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,716 You know, this reminds me of my own situation. 136 00:05:30,716 --> 00:05:33,196 I had a girlfriend with expensive tastes once called Davina. 137 00:05:33,196 --> 00:05:36,236 Would you not forgive you? Forgiveness didn't come into it. 138 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,316 As soon as I got collared, 139 00:05:37,316 --> 00:05:39,536 she left me for some Argentinian tool who plays for Man City. 140 00:05:39,543 --> 00:05:40,276 Who? 141 00:05:40,276 --> 00:05:41,316 Esteban. 142 00:05:41,316 --> 00:05:43,536 Esteban? He had a blinder against Stoke. 143 00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:44,276 Yeah. 144 00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:47,556 My greatest hope is that he'll get a transfer to Shakhtar Donetsk. 145 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:50,236 She won't find a Prada store there. 146 00:05:50,236 --> 00:05:51,516 DOOR SLAMS 147 00:05:51,516 --> 00:05:52,596 BUZZER 148 00:05:54,236 --> 00:05:55,836 What are you writing, Norm? 149 00:05:55,836 --> 00:05:57,676 - I'm writing a letter from the heart. - Uh-huh? 150 00:05:57,676 --> 00:06:00,236 Not my heart, some bloke called Barry's. 151 00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:03,676 He went for his fiancee's folks' savings. Needs to explain. 152 00:06:03,676 --> 00:06:04,756 Needs closure. 153 00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:07,316 Needs a bloody good belting, if you ask me. 154 00:06:07,316 --> 00:06:10,036 Come on, Joe, we've all let someone down... 155 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,956 wives, girlfriends, families... 156 00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:14,436 He thought he was doing right by them, but he lost the lot. 157 00:06:14,436 --> 00:06:15,756 The dad drives an Uber now. 158 00:06:15,756 --> 00:06:18,476 Ah, well, swindlers we called them back in my day. 159 00:06:18,476 --> 00:06:20,436 Con artists. Spivs. 160 00:06:20,436 --> 00:06:22,236 Sneaky crims, you know? 161 00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:23,556 We're all crims, Joe. 162 00:06:23,556 --> 00:06:26,236 Oh, no. No, there's a difference. 163 00:06:26,236 --> 00:06:29,116 Folk like me, we are robbers. 164 00:06:29,116 --> 00:06:33,596 We're a cut above, cos we do banks and warehouses and wages vans, 165 00:06:33,596 --> 00:06:37,396 and that needs prep, application and graft, 166 00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,076 and there's something noble in that. 167 00:06:39,076 --> 00:06:42,716 Oh, yeah, very noble - an old-school cosh over the head. 168 00:06:42,716 --> 00:06:45,756 There's nothing wrong with old-school. 169 00:06:45,756 --> 00:06:50,076 Cos let me tell you something about back then-people connected. 170 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,996 They talked, and I don't just mean on Facebook. 171 00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:55,156 I mean face-to-face. 172 00:06:55,156 --> 00:06:58,996 Huh, and a pint was two bob and a packet of fags was half that. 173 00:06:58,996 --> 00:07:01,356 Ah, I never had to buy a pint. 174 00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:04,556 Every time we walked into the pub, it was drinks on the house, 175 00:07:04,556 --> 00:07:05,636 and do you know why? 176 00:07:05,636 --> 00:07:09,236 Cos you were holding a sawn-off shotgun? 177 00:07:09,236 --> 00:07:11,316 No, you prannock, 178 00:07:11,316 --> 00:07:12,836 because we had a reputation. 179 00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:15,316 We weren't pickpockets or perverts. 180 00:07:15,316 --> 00:07:17,836 We were a business. 181 00:07:17,836 --> 00:07:20,476 I went down to London once and the Kray brothers took us to 182 00:07:20,476 --> 00:07:22,476 The Talk Of The Town. 183 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,436 Liza Minnelli... 184 00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:26,956 I've still got the programme somewhere. 185 00:07:26,956 --> 00:07:30,396 You've had your moments, Joe. Great memories. 186 00:07:30,396 --> 00:07:33,516 Yeah, there's some things you just never forget. 187 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,516 What is it? 188 00:07:37,516 --> 00:07:39,276 It could have been Shirley Bassey. 189 00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:43,596 Nice wee racket you've got here, Fletcher. 190 00:07:43,596 --> 00:07:45,716 I don't know what you're talking about, Mr Meekie. 191 00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,196 I've seen them lining up for your advice... 192 00:07:48,196 --> 00:07:51,916 the lovelorn and the lost, the no-hopers and the not-guilty club. 193 00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:54,196 Well, they're all entitled to an appeal. 194 00:07:54,196 --> 00:07:56,716 All Fletch does is find the right words. 195 00:07:56,716 --> 00:07:58,756 You're helping young Mayhew, I gather? 196 00:07:58,756 --> 00:08:00,756 I don't see why not. He's not a bad lad. 197 00:08:00,756 --> 00:08:03,276 Of course he's a bad lad-that's why he's in here! 198 00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,356 Just a letter to his girlfriend, is it? 199 00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:09,556 Uh... That is not on. 200 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:12,156 He'll read it before I send it, anyways. What's the point? 201 00:08:12,156 --> 00:08:14,556 Some of these phrases seem familiar. 202 00:08:14,556 --> 00:08:16,996 "The smouldering embers of our love"... 203 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,756 quite similar to your letter to the arsonist's mistress. 204 00:08:19,756 --> 00:08:21,276 Well, it did some good. 205 00:08:21,276 --> 00:08:23,596 He hasn't set fire to his mattress since then. 206 00:08:26,036 --> 00:08:27,516 Here we go, Jacko. 207 00:08:27,516 --> 00:08:29,956 I've written a letter to the Court of Appeal on your behalf. 208 00:08:29,956 --> 00:08:32,076 I have made it clear that you were wrongly convicted 209 00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,636 and nowhere near the scene of the crime on the date in question. 210 00:08:34,636 --> 00:08:37,396 That's what I was saying... I was stitched up... 211 00:08:37,396 --> 00:08:40,716 and when I get out of here, I'm going to sue the Government. 212 00:08:40,716 --> 00:08:41,996 Well, that'll be extra. 213 00:08:44,516 --> 00:08:46,636 - He robbed a betting shop, didn't he? - Allegedly. 214 00:08:46,636 --> 00:08:47,751 What do you think his chances are? 215 00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:49,356 Well, seeing as he wasn't wearing 216 00:08:49,356 --> 00:08:53,036 a mask and there were 22 eyewitnesses, I'd say 1,000 to 1. 217 00:08:53,036 --> 00:08:55,596 Your letter didn't work, mate. She doesn't want to know. 218 00:08:55,596 --> 00:08:59,076 Oh. That was one of my best efforts. Bit of a masterpiece, I thought. 219 00:08:59,076 --> 00:09:00,316 She didn't even open it. 220 00:09:00,316 --> 00:09:02,236 Says she doesn't want to read anything I write 221 00:09:02,236 --> 00:09:03,476 or hear anything I have to say. 222 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,156 Not good, Fletch. He's due a refund. 223 00:09:05,156 --> 00:09:06,436 Oi, I'll be the judge of that! 224 00:09:08,316 --> 00:09:11,236 I'll tell you what, I'll write to her from me. 225 00:09:11,236 --> 00:09:12,516 How will that work? 226 00:09:12,516 --> 00:09:14,996 Well, she'll have to read the letter out of sheer curiosity. 227 00:09:14,996 --> 00:09:18,676 I will state your case in sincere and eloquent prose, tell her how 228 00:09:18,676 --> 00:09:21,676 much you're hurting and how much a visit could help to heal old wounds. 229 00:09:21,676 --> 00:09:22,996 Worth a try, I suppose. 230 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,636 Yeah. Leave it with me, Barry. 231 00:09:27,556 --> 00:09:30,036 You perform quite a service here, don't you, Fletcher? 232 00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:32,876 I like to think so, Mr Braithwaite. Pull up a chair. 233 00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:36,716 Tell me your problems. Unload. Usual rates apply. 234 00:09:36,716 --> 00:09:37,996 I haven't got any problems. 235 00:09:37,996 --> 00:09:39,156 Yeah, could have fooled me. 236 00:09:39,156 --> 00:09:40,196 Come again? 237 00:09:40,196 --> 00:09:41,756 - Want a cup of tea? - Oh, lovely. 238 00:09:43,356 --> 00:09:46,396 No, I'm quite content with my life, Fletcher. 239 00:09:46,396 --> 00:09:49,276 Married 23 years, both kids went to uni... 240 00:09:49,276 --> 00:09:51,516 Yes, it's all very settled. 241 00:09:51,516 --> 00:09:54,556 Oh. You can't settle for settled, Mr Braithwaite. 242 00:09:54,556 --> 00:09:56,156 Your old lady'll get tired of it. 243 00:09:56,156 --> 00:09:59,756 Now she's free of kids, all of her hidden yearnings could come out. 244 00:09:59,756 --> 00:10:01,116 What hidden yearnings? 245 00:10:01,116 --> 00:10:02,516 Oh, we all have them. 246 00:10:02,516 --> 00:10:05,276 You'll get home one evening, there'll be a note on the fridge, 247 00:10:05,276 --> 00:10:07,636 "Sorry, dear, but I've had enough of settled. 248 00:10:07,636 --> 00:10:09,796 "Remember that nice young man who fixed our roof? 249 00:10:09,796 --> 00:10:12,516 "Well, we've bought a camper van and we're off to explore the world, 250 00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:13,556 "and each other. 251 00:10:13,556 --> 00:10:15,516 "PS, there's a chicken casserole in the oven. 252 00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:16,796 "Preheat at 180. Goodbye." 253 00:10:17,796 --> 00:10:19,916 No, no, no. No. 254 00:10:19,916 --> 00:10:20,956 Really? 255 00:10:20,956 --> 00:10:24,316 Yeah. You've got to keep things buzzing, Mr Braithwaite. 256 00:10:24,316 --> 00:10:26,476 You've got to surprise her. Well, how do I do that? 257 00:10:26,476 --> 00:10:29,676 Well, get home early tonight before she does. 258 00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:32,116 Get a good bottle of wine and stick it in a bucket of ice. 259 00:10:32,116 --> 00:10:34,236 A box of expensive chocolates wouldn't go amiss. 260 00:10:34,236 --> 00:10:36,956 Oh, how expensive? Are we talking Celebrations? 261 00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:41,156 Well, no. You've got to push the boat out. 262 00:10:41,156 --> 00:10:42,796 Terry's All Gold it is. 263 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:47,436 Whatever. Anyway, dim the lights. 264 00:10:47,436 --> 00:10:49,956 Buble or Bacharach on the sound system. 265 00:10:49,956 --> 00:10:51,156 She comes in. 266 00:10:51,156 --> 00:10:54,356 You suggest she relax in a hot bath with a chilled glass of wine, 267 00:10:54,356 --> 00:10:56,076 but you've already run the tub. 268 00:10:56,076 --> 00:10:58,916 You see, you've surrounded it with scented candles, 269 00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:02,116 giving off an atmosphere of seduction and sensuality. 270 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,476 She had a bath on Tuesday. 271 00:11:13,356 --> 00:11:15,676 - She wrote back. - Who? 272 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,436 Joanne, Mayhew's ex - wants a visit. 273 00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:20,596 Oh, I thought that was the idea. 274 00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:22,796 No, she wants to see me, not Barry. 275 00:11:25,676 --> 00:11:28,276 She said, "I'm curious to know why anyone would want to stick up 276 00:11:28,276 --> 00:11:30,676 - "for him as much as you do." - And will you see her? 277 00:11:30,676 --> 00:11:31,956 Well, I don't see why not. 278 00:11:31,956 --> 00:11:35,156 It can only help, arguing his case face-to-face, 279 00:11:35,156 --> 00:11:36,596 and she's got a very pretty face. 280 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,676 Oh. I can see where this is leading. 281 00:11:39,676 --> 00:11:41,636 No, you don't. 282 00:11:41,636 --> 00:11:42,876 Should I tell him? 283 00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:45,316 I probably should, but I don't think I will. 284 00:11:45,316 --> 00:11:47,356 Maybe after, if it goes well. 285 00:11:47,356 --> 00:11:49,036 If it doesn't go well, no harm done. 286 00:11:49,036 --> 00:11:50,476 So, don't say anything, all right? 287 00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:52,316 Oh, it's none of my business. 288 00:11:52,316 --> 00:11:55,516 I used to get women visitors when I was in Parkhurst - 289 00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:57,956 women that I'd never met and never heard of. 290 00:11:57,956 --> 00:12:00,516 I think they were titillated by the thought of meeting 291 00:12:00,516 --> 00:12:02,156 a real bank robber. 292 00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,636 Well, it does happen. Mm-hmm. 293 00:12:03,636 --> 00:12:05,356 Even lifers get marriage proposals. 294 00:12:05,356 --> 00:12:07,316 Did you ever get to conjugate with any of them? 295 00:12:07,316 --> 00:12:09,396 Oh, no, I didn't fancy that. 296 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,676 What, in a cold little room with one gas fire 297 00:12:11,676 --> 00:12:13,476 and the screw's eye at the peephole? 298 00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:15,396 Nah. 299 00:12:15,396 --> 00:12:18,996 Well, there was a prison officer that took a fancy to me. 300 00:12:18,996 --> 00:12:20,956 She really liked me. 301 00:12:20,956 --> 00:12:22,316 - Yeah? - How much? 302 00:12:22,316 --> 00:12:24,676 Once a week in the boiler room and twice on Sundays. 303 00:12:24,676 --> 00:12:25,716 No! 304 00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:32,676 DOOR CLOSES 305 00:12:34,276 --> 00:12:37,076 - I'm Fletch. - Yeah, I thought you probably were. 306 00:12:37,076 --> 00:12:39,316 Yeah. Have you got another name? 307 00:12:39,316 --> 00:12:41,836 Nigel. Nigel? 308 00:12:41,836 --> 00:12:44,636 You do not look like a Nigel. 309 00:12:44,636 --> 00:12:47,716 - What do Nigels look like? - I don't know, just not you. 310 00:12:47,716 --> 00:12:49,676 I bet you don't get many Nigels in the nick. 311 00:12:49,676 --> 00:12:52,916 No. I always thought it'd sound all right if I ever got a knighthood. 312 00:12:52,916 --> 00:12:54,516 Sir Nigel Fletcher - 313 00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:57,676 It's got a nice ring to it, like an ambassador, 314 00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:00,356 or that bloke who ripped off all those pension funds. 315 00:13:02,756 --> 00:13:04,996 So, why did you write those letters for Barry? 316 00:13:04,996 --> 00:13:08,076 I thought you didn't read the first one. Well, of course I read it, 317 00:13:08,076 --> 00:13:10,076 and I knew that he hadn't written it. 318 00:13:10,076 --> 00:13:11,476 And then you read the one from me. 319 00:13:11,476 --> 00:13:14,956 Yeah, and you used a lot of the same material, didn't you? 320 00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:20,636 I'm a great believer in recycling. 321 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:25,276 I was very touched by your letter, Owen. 322 00:13:25,276 --> 00:13:28,916 "I only hope the smouldering embers of our love can be rekindled." 323 00:13:30,756 --> 00:13:32,996 You've never used words like that before. 324 00:13:32,996 --> 00:13:34,836 They were from the heart, Gwynneth. 325 00:13:37,196 --> 00:13:40,516 It doesn't alter the fact you've done things you shouldn't have done. 326 00:13:40,516 --> 00:13:42,156 I haven't done them of late. 327 00:13:43,276 --> 00:13:45,276 I should hope not. Not in here! 328 00:13:46,916 --> 00:13:52,276 "The only fire I now want to start is one in your heart. 329 00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:56,796 "I only hope the smouldering embers of our love can be rekindled." 330 00:13:58,956 --> 00:14:00,716 That's poetry, Brian. 331 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,196 No, it's plagiarism. 332 00:14:04,836 --> 00:14:07,676 So, what do you do, Joanne? 333 00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:09,076 This and that. I went to uni. 334 00:14:09,076 --> 00:14:11,036 That didn't really open any doors. 335 00:14:11,036 --> 00:14:14,356 And then I took a gap year out, sold a bit of jewellery online... 336 00:14:14,356 --> 00:14:15,556 I'm still finding my way. 337 00:14:15,556 --> 00:14:16,636 You could be a model. 338 00:14:16,636 --> 00:14:18,076 - What?- Nothing. 339 00:14:20,116 --> 00:14:22,716 - Are you hitting on me, Nigel? - No. 340 00:14:22,716 --> 00:14:25,316 I thought you were here to argue Barry's case. 341 00:14:25,316 --> 00:14:28,156 I do. I am. Erm... 342 00:14:28,156 --> 00:14:31,436 Look, he wants to see you, eye-to-eye, 343 00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,876 and explain how sorry he is for everything that's happened, 344 00:14:33,876 --> 00:14:36,196 so maybe next time you could come and see him, yeah? 345 00:14:36,196 --> 00:14:38,076 Well, I'll think about it. 346 00:14:40,076 --> 00:14:42,236 So, am I allowed to know what you're in here for? 347 00:14:42,236 --> 00:14:43,556 I was a computer hacker. 348 00:14:43,556 --> 00:14:46,236 Oh, so you're clever, then, eh? 349 00:14:46,236 --> 00:14:48,956 I'm not that clever, Joanne. I wouldn't be in here if I was. 350 00:14:50,436 --> 00:14:54,396 No, I'd be partying in Miami, or on a catamaran in the Grenadines, 351 00:14:54,396 --> 00:14:58,156 or buying a gorgeous girl a glass of Pinot Grigio in a local wine bar. 352 00:14:58,156 --> 00:15:00,676 I prefer a cheeky cocktail. 353 00:15:00,676 --> 00:15:02,716 FLETCH WHIMPERS 354 00:15:05,876 --> 00:15:07,839 Dangerous game you're playing, Fletcher. 355 00:15:07,846 --> 00:15:08,556 What game? 356 00:15:08,556 --> 00:15:09,836 The one with Mayhew's lass. 357 00:15:09,836 --> 00:15:12,076 Shades of Cyrano De Bergerac. 358 00:15:12,076 --> 00:15:14,556 Didn't he used to play for Watford? 359 00:15:14,556 --> 00:15:18,716 It was a famous play and more than one film. 360 00:15:18,716 --> 00:15:20,906 Oh, yeah. Isn't he the geezer with the long nose? 361 00:15:20,913 --> 00:15:21,636 Precisely. 362 00:15:21,636 --> 00:15:23,036 It made him repellent to women, 363 00:15:23,036 --> 00:15:26,396 but he was a poet who penned beautiful verse, 364 00:15:26,396 --> 00:15:29,676 so much so that his friend asked him to write letters to a young woman 365 00:15:29,676 --> 00:15:30,876 he was madly in love with. 366 00:15:30,876 --> 00:15:34,636 The problem was, Cyrano fell for her, 367 00:15:34,636 --> 00:15:37,796 and the words he wrote were from HIS heart. 368 00:15:37,796 --> 00:15:39,476 I don't see any comparison. 369 00:15:39,476 --> 00:15:42,476 I hardly know her and my nose is normal. 370 00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:44,916 It'll be interesting to see how this plays out. 371 00:15:47,276 --> 00:15:48,876 Cheers, Fletch. Worked a treat. 372 00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:50,476 Lit a spark, did it? 373 00:15:50,476 --> 00:15:51,996 Oh, and I liked your girlfriend. 374 00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:53,236 She's not my girlfriend. 375 00:15:53,236 --> 00:15:55,036 Not how it looked from where I was sat. 376 00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:57,356 She could light my fire, though, no question. 377 00:16:00,236 --> 00:16:03,476 You know, if that wall wasn't so high, we'd have a view. 378 00:16:03,476 --> 00:16:04,916 If that wall wasn't so high, Joe, 379 00:16:04,916 --> 00:16:07,196 people would be pole vaulting over it all day long. 380 00:16:07,196 --> 00:16:09,676 You'd have to find a pole to vault with first. 381 00:16:09,676 --> 00:16:11,996 I bet you could lash one up in the workshop, I suppose, 382 00:16:11,996 --> 00:16:13,956 but where would you stash it? 383 00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:15,756 I love these pointless conversations. 384 00:16:15,756 --> 00:16:18,316 I think that's what I'm going to miss most when I get out of here. 385 00:16:18,316 --> 00:16:19,476 Hey, how about a big window? 386 00:16:19,476 --> 00:16:21,396 I mean, it'd have to be bulletproof, of course, 387 00:16:21,396 --> 00:16:23,396 but then we could see things. 388 00:16:23,396 --> 00:16:26,156 Trees, cows in the fields, 389 00:16:26,156 --> 00:16:28,036 a midwife on a bicycle... 390 00:16:28,036 --> 00:16:31,116 A tantalising glimpse of her grey stocking. 391 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:32,836 I'd settle for that at my age. 392 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:35,636 Hey, I don't get it. 393 00:16:35,636 --> 00:16:37,756 How come she comes up here and sees you and not me? 394 00:16:37,756 --> 00:16:39,876 - Those were Joanne's terms, Barry. - Why? 395 00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,876 Don't bark down my throat. 396 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:44,436 Look, I arranged for her to take a phone call from you. 397 00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,076 - You did? Really? - Yeah, really. 398 00:16:47,076 --> 00:16:48,956 Huh. Well, what am I going to say to her? 399 00:16:48,956 --> 00:16:51,196 Well, the sort of thing I've been saying to her so far. 400 00:16:51,196 --> 00:16:53,836 Oh, you have to help me. I'll get tongue-tied and muck it up. 401 00:16:53,836 --> 00:16:55,556 Well, we'll think of something. 402 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,476 Thanks, Fletch. You're a ledge. 403 00:17:00,516 --> 00:17:02,676 What are you thinking about? 404 00:17:02,676 --> 00:17:04,276 Cyrano De Bergerac. 405 00:17:04,276 --> 00:17:07,156 Yeah, Arsenal were mad to sell him. 406 00:17:10,556 --> 00:17:12,716 LOCK CLICKS 407 00:17:12,716 --> 00:17:15,956 "I've thought about hearing your voice for so long." 408 00:17:15,956 --> 00:17:19,396 Oh, I'm freaked, Fletch. My heart's racing. My mouth's dry. 409 00:17:19,396 --> 00:17:21,236 Don't worry, I'll talk you through it, 410 00:17:21,236 --> 00:17:23,636 and remember, calm but contrite. 411 00:17:30,596 --> 00:17:32,596 Joanne. Yeah, it's me. 412 00:17:32,596 --> 00:17:35,876 Oh, yeah, I guess you know that, yeah. Erm... 413 00:17:35,876 --> 00:17:38,276 Yeah, no, thanks for taking the... Erm... 414 00:17:38,276 --> 00:17:39,396 Yeah, no, I'm fine. 415 00:17:39,396 --> 00:17:42,596 Yeah, I'm just a bit thrown, to hear your voice, you know? 416 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,036 I can't read my own writing. 417 00:17:46,236 --> 00:17:48,356 I've thought about hearing your voice for so long. 418 00:17:48,356 --> 00:17:51,316 I've thought about hearing your voice for so long. 419 00:17:51,316 --> 00:17:53,676 I've thought about seeing you, seeing your face. 420 00:17:53,676 --> 00:17:56,556 I've thought about seeing you, seeing your face. 421 00:17:56,556 --> 00:17:58,636 Not that your face has ever been out of my mind. 422 00:17:58,636 --> 00:18:01,036 Not that your mind has ever been out of my face. 423 00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:07,076 I love the way your hair folds over your cheek, 424 00:18:07,076 --> 00:18:09,596 and your chin dimples when you smile. 425 00:18:09,596 --> 00:18:13,196 I love the way your hair folds over your cheek, and, erm... 426 00:18:13,196 --> 00:18:14,796 Your chin dimples when you smile. 427 00:18:14,796 --> 00:18:16,716 And your chin dimples when you smi... 428 00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,436 What? No. Fletch isn't here. What gives you that idea? 429 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,756 No, it's just me talking. Yeah. 430 00:18:23,756 --> 00:18:26,236 All right, I'll give him your regards. 431 00:18:26,236 --> 00:18:29,036 - He's a great bloke, Fletch. - He's a great bloke, Fletch. 432 00:18:30,116 --> 00:18:31,436 More to him than meets the eye. 433 00:18:31,436 --> 00:18:33,196 More to him than meets the eye. 434 00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:35,316 He's kind, sensitive, smart... 435 00:18:35,316 --> 00:18:36,716 Why is this all about you? 436 00:18:38,636 --> 00:18:42,196 What's that? Oh, yeah, magic, babes. Yeah, next week. 437 00:18:42,196 --> 00:18:43,836 Yeah, I'll put in the application. 438 00:18:43,836 --> 00:18:45,796 I just want to work it out. 439 00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:48,316 Right, yeah. Bye. 440 00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:49,756 She's coming to visit. 441 00:18:49,756 --> 00:18:52,436 What you wanted. All down to you, Fletch. 442 00:18:52,436 --> 00:18:54,676 She still sounds a bit wary, so, you know, 443 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,916 we have got a lot of work to do, haven't we? 444 00:18:56,916 --> 00:18:59,676 There's no we, Barry. You're on your own. 445 00:18:59,676 --> 00:19:01,236 - I can't do this any more. - But... 446 00:19:01,236 --> 00:19:04,036 No, words don't matter, or how clever they are. 447 00:19:04,036 --> 00:19:05,796 What matters is if you mean them. 448 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:08,116 It has to be from the heart. That's how it works. 449 00:19:08,116 --> 00:19:09,316 LOCK CLICKS 450 00:19:12,156 --> 00:19:13,916 Mission accomplished, Fletcher? 451 00:19:15,996 --> 00:19:17,196 Sorry, Mr Meekie? 452 00:19:17,196 --> 00:19:20,396 Oh, it was the outcome you wanted, surely. 453 00:19:20,396 --> 00:19:24,676 I can't help thinking you don't look too chipper about it, though. 454 00:19:24,676 --> 00:19:26,636 Were my predictions correct? 455 00:19:26,636 --> 00:19:28,276 Is it Fletcher who's smitten? 456 00:19:29,396 --> 00:19:31,956 They should call you Cyrano, Mr Meekie, 457 00:19:31,956 --> 00:19:35,236 cos you're always poking your nose in other people's business. 458 00:19:38,596 --> 00:19:40,636 DOORS SLAM 459 00:19:41,996 --> 00:19:46,796 Hey, remember that conversation we had about a midwife on a bicycle? 460 00:19:46,796 --> 00:19:50,396 Well, I had a dream about one last night, 461 00:19:50,396 --> 00:19:53,956 and then suddenly she started looking a lot like Joan Collins. 462 00:19:53,956 --> 00:19:56,316 I mean, what's that all about? 463 00:19:56,316 --> 00:19:59,036 - I have absolutely no idea, Joe. - DEODORANT HISSES 464 00:19:59,036 --> 00:20:01,156 Oh, have you got a visit? 465 00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:05,076 Cousin Harriet-married to a bloke called Reg. 466 00:20:05,076 --> 00:20:06,876 Works in sewage reclamation. 467 00:20:06,876 --> 00:20:09,316 She's a nice girl, but she's not the sharpest tool in the box. 468 00:20:09,316 --> 00:20:11,756 - And why does she want to see you? - How should I know? 469 00:20:11,756 --> 00:20:13,756 Probably wants my advice-Everyone else does. 470 00:20:13,756 --> 00:20:15,876 - Why are you so tetchy? - Who says I'm tetchy? 471 00:20:15,876 --> 00:20:18,996 I know tetchy. You're tetchy. 472 00:20:18,996 --> 00:20:21,316 Let me guess why... 473 00:20:21,316 --> 00:20:25,316 It wouldn't have something to do with Joanne, I suppose? 474 00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:26,596 Who? 475 00:20:26,596 --> 00:20:29,756 Oh, don't give me that. Joanne, Barry's girl. 476 00:20:29,756 --> 00:20:32,156 Ah, she's coming today to see him, isn't she? 477 00:20:32,156 --> 00:20:33,676 And you have fallen for her. 478 00:20:33,676 --> 00:20:35,636 - HE SCOFFS - Of course I haven't. 479 00:20:35,636 --> 00:20:36,916 Ah, come on, Fletch. 480 00:20:36,916 --> 00:20:38,116 Ever since that last visit, 481 00:20:38,116 --> 00:20:40,556 you've been mooching around all potato-faced. 482 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:43,036 I tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. 483 00:20:43,036 --> 00:20:44,276 Oh, knock it on the head, Joe. 484 00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:45,876 That's why no-one comes to visit you, 485 00:20:45,876 --> 00:20:47,556 cos you're always nausing people off. 486 00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,756 No, it's simpler than that. 487 00:20:49,756 --> 00:20:52,676 All my pals are either banged up or dead. 488 00:20:54,996 --> 00:20:56,596 So, Reg booked us this holiday. 489 00:20:56,596 --> 00:20:58,516 He thought it might bring us closer together, 490 00:20:58,516 --> 00:21:01,916 but a caravan in north Wales is not my idea of a holiday. 491 00:21:01,916 --> 00:21:06,476 I got so bored of Reg, I pretended I was ill so we'd come home early. 492 00:21:06,476 --> 00:21:09,436 Have you heard any of this, Nigel? Nigel? 493 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,716 Huh? Oh, sorry, Harriet. 494 00:21:11,716 --> 00:21:16,276 Yeah, north Wales - bad idea, even when it doesn't rain. 495 00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:20,156 The rain's not the problem. It's me and Reg. I need your advice. 496 00:21:20,156 --> 00:21:21,796 Advice? Seriously? 497 00:21:21,796 --> 00:21:23,796 You were always the smartest one in the family. 498 00:21:23,796 --> 00:21:27,276 It doesn't mean I'm the best person to give advice. Look where I am. 499 00:21:27,276 --> 00:21:30,156 I think I want to leave Reg, but I don't know how to go about it. 500 00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:31,796 Sounds like you need a divorce. 501 00:21:31,796 --> 00:21:34,196 It's not rocket science - you just need grounds. 502 00:21:34,196 --> 00:21:36,756 Like what? Well, like desertion. 503 00:21:36,756 --> 00:21:37,956 Has he ever abandoned you? 504 00:21:37,956 --> 00:21:40,596 No, he's at home now. 505 00:21:40,596 --> 00:21:42,436 And he's not clinically insane? 506 00:21:42,436 --> 00:21:43,716 Of course not. 507 00:21:43,716 --> 00:21:45,956 Hmm... What about unreasonable behaviour? 508 00:21:45,956 --> 00:21:48,276 Has he ever abused you verbally or physically? 509 00:21:48,276 --> 00:21:49,436 Don't be daft! 510 00:21:49,436 --> 00:21:52,036 You know Reg - he keeps rabbits. 511 00:21:53,596 --> 00:21:55,396 KNOCKING LOUDLY 512 00:21:55,396 --> 00:21:57,196 No physical contact. 513 00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:00,876 Nigel! 514 00:22:00,876 --> 00:22:05,196 Well, that only leaves one thing, doesn't it? Adultery. 515 00:22:05,196 --> 00:22:08,396 I think we've got him there, Nigel. 516 00:22:08,396 --> 00:22:10,436 He's not the father of my child. 517 00:22:15,356 --> 00:22:19,596 Oh, Fletch, my missus has got a wicked new job... 518 00:22:19,596 --> 00:22:21,036 tea lady at Millwall. 519 00:22:22,036 --> 00:22:25,116 Oh, well, she won't be rushed off her feet, the way they're playing. 520 00:22:25,116 --> 00:22:27,636 Well, thanks for the advice. 521 00:22:27,636 --> 00:22:30,076 - How's the baby? - We haven't got a baby. 522 00:22:30,076 --> 00:22:32,916 You're thinking of Lockhart - E Wing, cat burglar. 523 00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:34,636 Oh, yeah. 524 00:22:34,636 --> 00:22:36,676 She's feeling much more secure now, is Gwynneth. 525 00:22:36,676 --> 00:22:38,356 - Gwynneth? - My wife. 526 00:22:38,356 --> 00:22:40,556 Oh, good. Erm... 527 00:22:40,556 --> 00:22:41,796 COUGHING: Owen. 528 00:22:41,796 --> 00:22:44,476 Owen. Yeah, yeah. Has she kicked the habit? 529 00:22:44,476 --> 00:22:45,266 What habit? 530 00:22:45,273 --> 00:22:47,636 You're thinking of the dodgy dentist, prescription pills. 531 00:22:47,636 --> 00:22:50,916 Oh. Of course I am, yeah. Well, keep not doing what you done before. 532 00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:52,756 Oh, I've done doing that. 533 00:22:55,036 --> 00:22:57,316 The visit went great, Fletch. We've made it up. 534 00:22:57,316 --> 00:23:00,196 - Oh, that's wonderful, Barry. - Yeah. I remember what you said. 535 00:23:00,196 --> 00:23:01,676 "The words don't matter," you said. 536 00:23:01,676 --> 00:23:04,236 "What matters is that they're from the heart." 537 00:23:04,236 --> 00:23:06,276 Well, I'm glad I could have been of service. 538 00:23:06,276 --> 00:23:08,236 Early days yet, but, as soon as I get out, 539 00:23:08,236 --> 00:23:09,956 I'm going to pop the question, 540 00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:13,196 and if she says yes, will you be my best man? 541 00:23:14,316 --> 00:23:15,476 How could I say no? 542 00:23:15,476 --> 00:23:16,756 Oh, cheers, mate. 543 00:23:18,196 --> 00:23:20,196 - Another satisfied customer. - Yeah. 544 00:23:20,196 --> 00:23:23,196 Oh, by the way, Nifty Small said he's going to sue the Daily Mirror. 545 00:23:23,196 --> 00:23:25,396 - He wants your help. - Not interested. 546 00:23:25,396 --> 00:23:28,036 - Fletch, he's a big face on the block. - Don't care. 547 00:23:28,036 --> 00:23:29,076 I'm shutting up shop. 548 00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:31,796 What? But you're the go-to guy, 549 00:23:31,796 --> 00:23:34,556 and, plus, we're making some serious coin. 550 00:23:34,556 --> 00:23:36,396 It's not in my interest to get involved in 551 00:23:36,396 --> 00:23:37,796 other people's business, Aziz. 552 00:23:37,796 --> 00:23:41,076 I realise that now. I'm better off looking after my own. 553 00:23:41,076 --> 00:23:43,996 It's hard enough doing bird without making it easy for everyone else. 554 00:23:43,996 --> 00:23:45,956 - But... - No buts. 555 00:23:45,956 --> 00:23:47,276 Put the word about. 556 00:23:47,276 --> 00:23:49,636 The medical, the married, the legal and the lovelorn - 557 00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,116 I'm through with all of it. 558 00:23:53,036 --> 00:23:54,796 DOOR SLAMS 559 00:23:58,516 --> 00:23:59,916 Hope I'm not interrupting. 560 00:23:59,916 --> 00:24:01,596 You are, as it happens, Mr Braithwaite. 561 00:24:01,596 --> 00:24:03,036 Who's this letter on behalf of? 562 00:24:03,036 --> 00:24:06,956 On behalf of me, for me, from me, so, if you don't mind, 563 00:24:06,956 --> 00:24:08,836 I'm not really in the mood to dispense advice. 564 00:24:08,836 --> 00:24:09,876 I'm not looking for any. 565 00:24:09,876 --> 00:24:11,946 I wish I hadn't have listened to you in the first place. 566 00:24:11,953 --> 00:24:12,636 Oh... 567 00:24:12,636 --> 00:24:14,716 Go on, then, tell me all about it. 568 00:24:14,716 --> 00:24:17,836 Well, I got home early before the wife on Thursday, 569 00:24:17,836 --> 00:24:20,916 dimmed the lights, put on some romantic music, filled a bath 570 00:24:20,916 --> 00:24:24,836 with aromatherapy crystals and put those tealight candles around it. 571 00:24:24,836 --> 00:24:28,116 Creating an atmosphere of seduction and sensuality. Exactly. 572 00:24:28,116 --> 00:24:30,676 Then I remembered I hadn't picked up a bottle of white wine 573 00:24:30,676 --> 00:24:33,396 like you'd recommended, so I went down to the off-licence, 574 00:24:33,396 --> 00:24:34,876 where I bumped into a neighbour. 575 00:24:34,876 --> 00:24:38,756 Now, he offered to sell me a second-hand Flymo Chevron. 576 00:24:38,756 --> 00:24:40,316 Long story short, Mr B... 577 00:24:40,316 --> 00:24:42,836 He was letting it go cheap, cos when he was doing his back lawn, 578 00:24:42,836 --> 00:24:45,436 - it had cut off two of his toes. - Oh, dear. 579 00:24:45,436 --> 00:24:46,876 Well, this made me late going home. 580 00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,236 The wind had got up and I'd left the bathroom window open. 581 00:24:49,236 --> 00:24:51,316 One of the candles set fire to the shower curtain. 582 00:24:51,316 --> 00:24:53,036 I mean, the fire brigade were very prompt 583 00:24:53,036 --> 00:24:56,116 but there was quite a blaze by the time they showed up. 584 00:24:56,116 --> 00:24:58,436 See? This is just one more reason why I've decided to 585 00:24:58,436 --> 00:24:59,996 never dispense advice ever again. 586 00:24:59,996 --> 00:25:02,396 Now, if you don't mind, this letter's very important to me. 587 00:25:02,396 --> 00:25:03,996 I've got to remodel half the bungalow. 588 00:25:03,996 --> 00:25:05,836 Mrs Braithwaite's moved in with her mother. 589 00:25:05,836 --> 00:25:08,196 Well, I should have charged you extra! 590 00:25:08,196 --> 00:25:10,796 Well, I was wondering if you'd help me with the insurance forms. 591 00:25:10,796 --> 00:25:11,956 What's in it for me? 592 00:25:14,556 --> 00:25:17,356 Well, I don't suppose I'll be needing these. 593 00:25:20,276 --> 00:25:21,836 I told you to push the boat out! 594 00:25:21,836 --> 00:25:23,596 Yeah, but I had to pay for the Flymo! 595 00:25:28,796 --> 00:25:30,316 FLETCH SIGHS 596 00:25:30,316 --> 00:25:32,676 I had one of them dreams again last night. 597 00:25:35,036 --> 00:25:38,076 Not the one about the district nurse who turned out to be Joan Collins? 598 00:25:38,076 --> 00:25:40,996 Well, this time she looked more like Theresa May. 599 00:25:42,876 --> 00:25:45,036 Sounds like a nightmare. 600 00:25:45,036 --> 00:25:49,476 Mind, she went past on her bike so fast, I couldn't be certain. 601 00:25:49,476 --> 00:25:51,756 What do you think it all means? 602 00:25:51,756 --> 00:25:53,396 I have no idea, Joe. 603 00:25:53,396 --> 00:25:56,076 I'm not a shrink or a clairvoyant or an agony aunt, 604 00:25:56,076 --> 00:25:57,876 and since I gave up being all of the above, 605 00:25:57,876 --> 00:25:59,916 I'm sleeping a whole lot better. 606 00:26:03,316 --> 00:26:05,116 Letter for you, Fletcher. 607 00:26:06,436 --> 00:26:07,756 Is that from who I think it is? 608 00:26:07,756 --> 00:26:09,876 I think it might be. I recognise the handwriting... 609 00:26:09,876 --> 00:26:13,756 HE SNIFFS ..and the eau de parfum. 610 00:26:13,756 --> 00:26:16,156 And you're enjoying this moment, which leads me to suspect 611 00:26:16,156 --> 00:26:18,156 I won't like the information contained within. 612 00:26:18,156 --> 00:26:20,156 Oh, I haven't read it, you have my word, 613 00:26:20,156 --> 00:26:22,316 but young Mayhew is wandering about the place with 614 00:26:22,316 --> 00:26:25,076 a smile on his face, so I can't believe it contains good news. 615 00:26:25,076 --> 00:26:28,396 Oh, hand it over, for God's sake. The suspense is killing me. 616 00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:32,636 Let me guess. 617 00:26:32,636 --> 00:26:35,276 "Dear Nigel, I'll never forget you. 618 00:26:35,276 --> 00:26:39,236 "I'm so glad we met, but in the end I realised I was taken in 619 00:26:39,236 --> 00:26:41,276 "by your glib, facile surface charm." 620 00:26:42,716 --> 00:26:45,356 You couldn't be more wrong, Mr Meekie. 621 00:26:45,356 --> 00:26:48,636 I believe this is what the French call a billet-doux, 622 00:26:48,636 --> 00:26:52,356 containing warm, romantic sentiments and unbridled sensuality. 623 00:26:52,356 --> 00:26:53,556 HE SNIFFS 624 00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:57,746 It didn't end well for Cyrano, you know. 625 00:26:57,753 --> 00:26:58,356 Mm-hmm? 626 00:26:58,356 --> 00:27:02,036 His love Roxane ended up in a convent. 627 00:27:02,036 --> 00:27:04,956 Well, this doesn't read like the letter of a future nun. 628 00:27:07,036 --> 00:27:10,316 15 years went by before he went to see her. 629 00:27:10,316 --> 00:27:11,356 He wasn't well. 630 00:27:11,356 --> 00:27:15,676 He'd been hit on the head by a heavy log, pushed from a high window. 631 00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:19,036 - Heavy log? - Pushed out of a high window, yes. 632 00:27:19,036 --> 00:27:23,636 She finally realised it was him that she loved. 633 00:27:25,316 --> 00:27:26,916 She kissed him... 634 00:27:28,316 --> 00:27:29,476 ..and then he died. 635 00:27:31,236 --> 00:27:32,876 Oh, well, thanks for that, Mr Meekie. 636 00:27:32,876 --> 00:27:34,116 You've cheered us up no end. 637 00:27:34,116 --> 00:27:35,156 You're welcome! 638 00:27:37,116 --> 00:27:38,716 I don't get it. 639 00:27:38,716 --> 00:27:41,236 Who does she fancy? You or Barry? 640 00:27:41,236 --> 00:27:44,356 No, this is all about her sticking with Barry. 641 00:27:44,356 --> 00:27:46,556 She just wanted to say, "Thank you for playing Cupid." 642 00:27:46,556 --> 00:27:47,836 Oh, but you said to... 643 00:27:47,836 --> 00:27:50,076 Well, I wasn't going to give Meekie the satisfaction of 644 00:27:50,076 --> 00:27:51,356 knowing I was the loser, was I? 645 00:27:51,356 --> 00:27:53,036 Oh, so it wasn't to be? 646 00:27:53,036 --> 00:27:55,716 Well, I must say, you're taking it very well, Fletch. 647 00:27:57,476 --> 00:27:59,596 Well, us Fletchers have a very resilient streak. 648 00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:00,956 My grandad used to have a saying. 649 00:28:00,956 --> 00:28:03,156 He said, "Never run after a bus or a woman, 650 00:28:03,156 --> 00:28:05,556 "cos there'll be another one along in a minute." 651 00:28:05,556 --> 00:28:06,916 That's the spirit. 652 00:28:06,916 --> 00:28:08,036 Yeah. 653 00:28:08,036 --> 00:28:09,916 Also, she wants me to meet her sister. 654 00:28:09,916 --> 00:28:11,956 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 655 00:28:12,106 --> 00:28:15,200 Synced by Bakugan 656 00:28:15,250 --> 00:28:19,800 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 51702

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