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1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,830
So did you hear our
great leader this week?
2
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:06,830
Yeah, the people's champion,
he's calling himself now.
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,950
And what's the first
thing he decides to do?
4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,030
Oh, that's right.
5
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,670
Commission a giant a statue of himself
6
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,550
riding a golden horse.
7
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,510
Because that's what the
people have been asking for!
8
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,470
It's like he can read our minds.
9
00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:23,310
That is excellent.
10
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,990
Is it? It's just talking.
11
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,270
It's far more than just talking, Grumio.
12
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,230
- This is great satire.
- And let's face it,
13
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,790
who needs food or affordable housing
14
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,310
when there's a giant man
on a horse to look at?
15
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,270
What do you reckon?
16
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,630
Yeah, I would.
17
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:39,590
No, I'm asking if you
think she's any good,
18
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,630
- you bloody cave man.
- Oh, I don't know.
19
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:42,990
I've not been listening.
20
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,710
I'm not a big fan of horse racing,
21
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,230
but at least those ones move.
22
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,470
Sod this, there's a guy round the corner
23
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,750
who can bend his knob into funny shapes.
24
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,950
Off you go, then. Sounds about your level.
25
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,200
- Er... I think that might be
my level too, actually. - What?
26
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,800
? Yeah! When in Rome
27
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,080
? Do as the Romans do
28
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,190
? Far from home
29
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,190
? All I got is you
30
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,630
Thank you so much for
coming. Glad you enjoyed it.
31
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,910
- Bye-bye.
- Hey, Minerva.
32
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,310
That was amazing.
33
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,350
Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you for coming.
34
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,510
Can I ask, would you consider
playing a more intimate venue?
35
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,230
Oh, it's not your bedroom,
is it, you bloody pervert?
36
00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:27,950
No, not that intimate.
37
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,350
It's the Crown & Toga on the Aventine.
38
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,510
Oh, yeah.
39
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,230
Would there be free
booze involved perchance?
40
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,630
Absolutely, and potentially
even some nuts.
41
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,270
- Ooh!
- I'm Marcus, the owner.
42
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,990
Well, Marcus, the owner,
43
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,880
maybe I'll come by and check it out.
44
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,150
Yes! I love it, a cabaret night.
45
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,750
We should put a line-up together.
46
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,950
Who said anything about a cabaret night?
47
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,390
- It's just Minerva.
- No.
48
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,270
That'll look budget with just one act.
49
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,470
- We want variety.
- We should get the dick guy.
50
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,870
He were proper talented.
51
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,590
He made his cock and balls look
exactly like a beef burger.
52
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,630
I had to look away. It
were making me peckish.
53
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,750
Right, well, I'm vetoing that immediately,
54
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,630
but if we are having other
acts they gotta be classy.
55
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,390
If you want musical interludes,
I'd be happy to oblige.
56
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,830
Don't know if I've mentioned
I'm a concert-level lutist.
57
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,950
Yes, you mention it at
least three times an hour.
58
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,310
Uh-oh. We're forming a house band.
59
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,470
You on the lute, me on the flute.
60
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,510
Flute? You're a flautist, are you?
61
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,150
Big time. I mean, I'm not
concert-level exactly,
62
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,510
but back in junior school
I used to shred that thing.
63
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,710
I was like, "Bah-ba,
bah-ba, bah," all day long.
64
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,390
Hm. I think I'd rather play solo.
65
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:32,910
You can do it somewhere else, then.
66
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,950
If you wanna play the main
stage at the Crown & Toga,
67
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,750
you need management say-so.
68
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,310
- He has my say-so.
- Ah.
69
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,550
I say we do the band idea.
So, Grumio, it's down to you.
70
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:43,950
Solo lute bullshit
71
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,830
- or mega-awesome house band?
- I'm not bothered.
72
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:49,750
OK, well, what if I said you
could also be in the band?
73
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,510
- Yeah, go on, then.
- Sweet.
74
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,230
Motion passed. House band.
75
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,310
Fine, but I want complete
artistic control.
76
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,950
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm
gonna dig out my flute.
77
00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,680
Blow out some banging tunes.
78
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,390
Well, just man the door,
provide a bit of security,
79
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,550
that kind of thing.
80
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,750
What, you expecting a feisty crowd, then?
81
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,430
Any crowd will be a novelty, really.
82
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,310
Tell you what, I can drag any
troublemakers up on stage,
83
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,670
slap 'em about a bit.
84
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,630
That could be funny or sad
depending on what you're into.
85
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,270
Very kind, but I think we'll
stick with music and satire.
86
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,670
Suit yourself.
87
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,590
Wow, you didn't tell me it was a toilet.
88
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,910
Sorry, I didn't want to put you off.
89
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,030
No, it's fine.
90
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,710
What better inspiration for
the state of Roman politics?
91
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,150
Ha! Exactly!
92
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,670
And if people want to
piss themselves laughing,
93
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:36,720
we're covered, so...
94
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,750
Let me test the acoustics.
95
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,310
Hello, ladies and gents, are
you shitting comfortably?
96
00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:44,250
So what do you reckon?
97
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,750
I mean, it's quite toilet-y.
98
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,870
But then the owner's cute and
he's giving me free drinks,
99
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,110
so... fuck it, let's go for it.
100
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,320
Yes.
101
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,500
- Your turn.
- OK.
102
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,430
Sorry, is that How Happy Is The Shepherd?
103
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,590
Yeah, good spot. I'm a bit rusty.
104
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,510
- That's a kiddies' song!
- Yeah, I know.
105
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,070
I got a gold star for playing it.
106
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,070
Well, what else can you play?
107
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,590
No, that's... that's it.
108
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,150
But in a band everyone
brings something different.
109
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,150
You bring the music, I
could bring the swagger.
110
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,470
Oh, yeah, so what do I bring?
111
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,470
I don't know. You can bring the drinks.
112
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,150
Piss off! You wouldn't have
this band if it weren't for me.
113
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,430
- Give me something proper.
- All right, fine.
114
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,230
I guess any old mug can play the drums.
115
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:47,190
Yeah, cool. I'll bang some
pots and pans together, then.
116
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,310
- Urgh!
- No.
117
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,310
No. No, no, stop it. That's... Stop it.
118
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,830
Stop it. Stop. That's a bit... horrid.
119
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,190
Let's look for something
less intrusive, I think.
120
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,270
Erm... Oh, yeah. Give
them a little shake, maybe.
121
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,350
A jar of beans? Are you kidding me?
122
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,470
Look like a right pillock up
on stage shaking a jar of beans.
123
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,350
It's fine. No-one's even gonna notice you.
124
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,230
They'll be looking at the front man.
125
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,230
Woah! The lute guy
should be the front man.
126
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,910
The hot guy should be the front man.
127
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,910
And you'll want first
dibs on the groupies?
128
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,070
- Front man's prerogative.
- You're not front man!
129
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,510
- Top up?
- Is the pontifex a pagan?
130
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,910
- Oh, no!
- Ah! Bum jug.
131
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,190
- Every time this happens.
- Bonkers, isn't it?
132
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,630
We're one of the most advanced
civilisations in history.
133
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,470
We can invent the aqueduct
and conquer half the world,
134
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,950
yet we cannot make a
jug that pours properly.
135
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,950
- What's with that?
- Brilliant.
136
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,550
- How do you do that?
- What?
137
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,710
Just sort of satirise everything.
138
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,430
I don't know. I guess I just...
139
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,670
observe stuff and then give it a spin.
140
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,070
Go on, then. Do another one.
141
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,630
OK. Erm...
142
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,350
Have you ever noticed that when
two people fancy each other
143
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,990
and are scared to 'fess up
144
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,150
they get pissed and make a joke out of it?
145
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,320
Huh. Yeah, I have, actually.
146
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,630
That is classic satire.
147
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,710
It was incredible. We ended
up having sex four times.
148
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,030
Yes, brother! You're a machine.
149
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,030
Four times might be my
record for an entire year,
150
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:14,590
let alone one evening.
151
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,230
Mate, I'm gonna be breaking
some sexual records of my own
152
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,070
- when Cerberus get on stage.
- Hang on? Cerberus?
153
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,630
Since when is the band called that?
154
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,990
So me and Aurelius came
up with it yesterday,
155
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,790
cos Cerberus is this three-headed dog
156
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,310
that guards the underworld,
and there's three of us, so...
157
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,270
Oh, are there? Don't feel like it.
158
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,950
All right. What do you want to
call the band, grumpy pants?
159
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,950
I've always like the word "Gonad".
160
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,350
OK. Do you know what it means?
161
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,790
It's like a fruit or something.
162
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,590
It's like a shit name for a band.
163
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,390
Look, you might not like it now,
164
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,990
but one day in the future,
165
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,830
you'll be able to tell your grandkids
166
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,790
that Grandpa Grumie was in the
original line-up of Cerberus,
167
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,920
and it's gonna blow their tiny minds.
168
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,270
Check.
169
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,770
Check. Check, one, two.
170
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,430
No, one at a time. I haven't finished.
171
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,630
Gloria! Hey.
172
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,110
Thanks for coming down.
173
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,910
I heard Minerva was on, so I
thought I'd brave the smell.
174
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,750
- I'm a bit of a fan.
- Me too, as it happens.
175
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,790
We've just started dating, so
I sort of have to be, really.
176
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,030
- You're dating Minerva?
- Mm.
177
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,670
Wow. I have to say I've lost a
teeny bit of respect for her,
178
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,950
but I've gained a bit for you.
179
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,110
OK, I'll take that.
180
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,950
Salve, and welcome to the Crown
& Toga's first cabaret night.
181
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,190
- Whoo! Welcome...
- We are your house band,
182
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,310
Cerberus, the three-headed dog.
183
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,760
Guardian of the gates of h...
184
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,950
- Woof.
- Joining me on stage
185
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,390
- is Aurelius on the lute.
- I can introduce myself.
186
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,210
And Grumio on beans.
187
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,310
And puffing out that sweet,
sweet music on the flute...
188
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,790
.. is old sugar lips himself...
189
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,110
your very own Jason.
190
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,030
- Three, four.
- Ooh.
191
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,590
Ah, these bozos are
well nerdy, ain't they?
192
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,830
- I've had angrier verrucas.
- Yeah.
193
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,390
I don't think Minerva's
satire crowd are that fighty.
194
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,870
Sorry, what? Minerva?
195
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,470
Did no-one tell you women ain't funny?
196
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:28,270
That is not true and... very sexist.
197
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,830
I suppose if she bombs she
can always take her kit off.
198
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,150
And that's even worse.
199
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,630
I wouldn't object, though,
cos she is quite fit.
200
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,030
- Do you reckon?
- Mm-hm.
201
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,950
Cos we've just started seeing each other.
202
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,990
Ah, nice one.
203
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,310
Cheers, man.
204
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:52,850
Aaagh!
205
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,990
We give you... Minerva!
206
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:07,960
Hi!
207
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,030
Hello. Ha-ha!
208
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,430
So if it's OK with you,
I'd like to start off
209
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,190
by talking about relationships,
210
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,870
because I have actually
just started a new one.
211
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,670
- Ooh, yep, thank you.
- Oooh!
212
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,670
Do you know what? We're
still at that stage
213
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,230
where we're trying to make a
good impression on each other.
214
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,910
You know how it is: wearing
your best loin cloth,
215
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,030
only getting naked when
the lights are dimmed,
216
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,350
brushing your teeth, you know the score.
217
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:36,670
And having loads of sex. Loads of sex!
218
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,430
Because, like, last night
we had sex four times.
219
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,790
Four times...
220
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,030
Because men think more is better, right?
221
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,950
I would have been happy with one time.
222
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,390
One good one!
223
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,710
One full meal rather than
four little bowls of nibbles.
224
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,070
Cos I'm quite lazy.
225
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,670
I would have liked to have gone
to sleep after the first time,
226
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,950
instead of having some guy
pounding away on top of me,
227
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,870
like he's trying to dig a well.
228
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,950
I think he thinks
229
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,670
if I have a sore vagina in the morning
230
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,030
then he can't possibly have a small penis.
231
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,270
Well, I've had the same feeling
after a yeast infection,
232
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,630
and that was invisible, so... you know.
233
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,360
I take it back: women ARE funny.
234
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,990
On the plus side, the cabaret
night was a hit, right?
235
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,590
Oh, yeah, a massive hit.
The number of people paying
236
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,590
to laugh at my shortcomings was huge.
237
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,230
We made more last night than
the rest of the month combined.
238
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,150
- So we should do it again.
- I don't know.
239
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,630
I don't think my ego could take it.
240
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,070
Have a chat with Minerva and
ask her to leave you alone.
241
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,390
Go back to digging out the
Emperor or whatever she does.
242
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,630
Maybe she can pick on HIS penis.
243
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,830
Cerberus need another crack at this.
244
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,670
Last night was a shit show.
245
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,270
Well, it might help if you
all played the same song.
246
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,070
I'm not talking about the music.
247
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,190
I didn't get to dust a single groupie.
248
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,550
Of course, I forgot what our
house band was there for.
249
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,950
It must be the costumes.
250
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,070
I'll call a band meeting
and thrash this out.
251
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,510
- Morning.
- Grumio, band meeting.
252
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,790
Sure, after me and Pris
have had our brekkie.
253
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,110
- You and...
- Priscilla.
254
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,630
Everyone calls me Pris.
255
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,390
Were you at the gig?
256
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,240
Oh, yeah, best night of my life.
257
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,350
You do realise I'm the front man?
258
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,160
Urgh!
259
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,630
We need to do more to
connect with our audience
260
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,350
during and, crucially, after the gig.
261
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,150
- Completely.
- Couldn't agree more.
262
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,750
So if anyone has any ideas.
263
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,110
- Maybe if you hadn't...
- Yeah, I've got a few.
264
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,430
Sorry, who is this, please?
265
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,830
Her name's Priscilla and she's
Grumio's... girlfriend, is it?
266
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,590
We prefer not to put a label on it.
267
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,150
Yeah. I'm somewhere between
a muse and a manager.
268
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,230
Right, and does the bean shaker
definitely need one of them?
269
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,750
He does actually, yeah.
270
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,110
Even so, I don't know if she
needs to be at the meeting.
271
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,310
Where I go, she goes. That's the deal.
272
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,510
You wanna listen to her
cos she knows her shit.
273
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,070
Does she now? And what
instrument does she play?
274
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,630
I play THIS instrument, yeah?
275
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,950
My gut. And it's telling me
your potential is going to waste.
276
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,670
You could be so much
better, cooler, sexier,
277
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,310
- I promise.
- She's right, boys.
278
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,870
- We really could.
- All right, fine.
279
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,080
She can stay if she makes us sexy.
280
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,110
Oh, God, they're building
another temple to Jupiter.
281
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,630
Do you think even Jupiter's,
like, "Come on, give it a rest.
282
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,390
It's starting to look a bit needy"?
283
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,310
That's funny. You're funny.
284
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:34,030
- Last night was funny.
- Yeah, did you enjoy yourself?
285
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,470
Loved it, yeah.
286
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,830
I mean, the stuff about me
was a bit of a surprise.
287
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,710
I wondered whether you'd bring that up.
288
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,630
And, you know, a wee bit personal.
289
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,790
You know, it wasn't really about you.
290
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,710
Wasn't it? Is there someone
else you've started seeing?
291
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,510
No, it was just like a comic exaggeration.
292
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,750
That's how satire works.
293
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,430
I observe something and
then I give it a spin.
294
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,550
In that case, couldn't you
have spun me a large penis?
295
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,390
No! Cos that wouldn't have been funny.
296
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,190
And I get that, but... next time
297
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,350
I'd prefer it if you
observed something else.
298
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,990
Oh!
299
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,270
Are you censoring me now?
300
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,310
Like, some big woman-hating patriarch.
301
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,870
What, you wanna cut out my tongue
302
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,910
and use me for breeding
purposes, is that it?
303
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,310
- No, I don't want that.
- I can stop gigging at your bar
304
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,070
- if you're uncomfortable.
- No, I am. I'm comfortable.
305
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,800
- Sorry, I'm being an idiot.
- Yes, you are.
306
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,440
Come on.
307
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,910
This does not feel sexier.
308
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,510
I think it's a huge improvement.
309
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,190
You're a decent lutist, but
there's something about you
310
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,350
that's a bit nauseating.
311
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,870
- Maybe it's the beard.
- I can shave the beard.
312
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,830
- But it could be the face.
- So I'll grow more beard.
313
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,190
Just keep facing the wall, I reckon.
314
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,430
And let's shuffle Grumio further forward.
315
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:42,750
Don't mind if I do.
316
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,910
Well, hang on. No, he
can't go ahead of me.
317
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,550
- I'm the front man.
- No, you're not.
318
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,270
You're just a vain sleaze
using a stage to pick up girls.
319
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,550
- And?
- Grumio's the only one offering
320
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:52,950
something original here.
321
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,470
He's the one with star quality.
322
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,710
- And star quantity.
- He's kind of carrying you two.
323
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,590
Yeah, and it's exhausting,
so with that in mind,
324
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,390
we want to change the name of the band.
325
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:06,710
- Oh, to what? Gonad?
- No, Grumio and the Gonads.
326
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,390
- No way. I'm not standing for that.
- I think it's genius.
327
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:10,990
We're not your Gonads.
328
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,790
If you don't like it,
he can always go solo.
329
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,710
What, jiggling beans and bopping about?
330
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,870
Good luck with that.
331
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,470
- I guess that's your answer.
- Come on, then, Pris.
332
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,480
You and me are gonna conquer the world.
333
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,640
Right, I'm gonna stop facing the wall now.
334
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,670
- What's wrong?
- Sorry, I'm just a bit tense.
335
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,720
So, relax, then.
336
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,910
Just a little bit worried
that my performance here
337
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,830
might make its way into
your performance later.
338
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,910
Oh, Marcus, don't be paranoid.
339
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,190
I mean, it's not that paranoid, is it?
340
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,240
- There is a precedent.
- Oh, shush.
341
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,840
Maybe let's get some lunch.
I really fancy some lunch.
342
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,640
You're not nauseating, you know.
343
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,840
Thanks, man, and you're not a vain sleaze.
344
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,350
- She was a meanie, wasn't she?
- A massive meanie.
345
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,350
Hey, you know what would
teach her a lesson?
346
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,870
If we reformed the band as
a mega-successful folk duo.
347
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,870
Yeah. That'd learn her.
348
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,190
The lute and the flute in perfect harmony.
349
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,030
We can't be called Cerberus, though.
350
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,270
- There's only two of us.
- OK, so how about... Gemini?
351
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,790
- The twins!
- Love it! Non-identical, obvs.
352
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,470
Yeah, and this time neither
of us will be the front man.
353
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,390
Or we can BOTH be the front men.
354
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,510
- How do we divide the groupies?
- I don't know, let THEM decide.
355
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,870
Yeah, very modern. Oh, this is epic!
356
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,630
We're gonna go on such a
journey together. Here...
357
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:47,430
Oh, whoa!
358
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,190
What was that? What the
fuck are you doing?
359
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,590
We're bro-ing down. Now you do
the same and we mix it together.
360
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,750
No, that's insane. Why
didn't you run it by me?
361
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,390
I don't know. I got carried away.
362
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,630
Aargh! Oh, shit, that stings!
363
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,790
Argh! I think I got some lime in it!
364
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,550
- Aargh!
- What happened to him?
365
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,950
Don't worry about him. He's
just a tortured artist.
366
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,910
- How did it go with Minerva?
- Not brilliant.
367
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,430
She accused me of hating women
and I couldn't get an erection.
368
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,910
- Cos you hate women?
- No, because I hate being
369
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,910
- the object of satire.
- Oh, yeah.
370
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,150
We're still doing the
cabaret night, though?
371
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,310
Yes, obviously.
372
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,550
In a fight between money and self-respect,
373
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,550
it appears that money always wins.
374
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,590
But depending how it goes down,
375
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,110
I might need a little
favour from Cerberus.
376
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,630
Yeah, sure, whatever you need.
377
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,380
We're actually called Gemini now.
378
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,110
? Shake it, shake it up now
379
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,230
? I'm the shaky, shaky man
with my shaky, shaky can
380
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,270
- ? Shake it real good
- Huge news, Grumio.
381
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,350
I've got you your first solo gig.
382
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,390
Magic. What, at the Arena?
383
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,230
Not quite, no. So it's
actually a birthday party.
384
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,910
- My dad's 50th.
- Oh, right, sweet.
385
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,870
I know it sounds a bit lamo, but...
386
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,230
some of his pals are,
like, super well-connected,
387
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,270
so this could be your big break.
388
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,630
Let me know if there's anything
you'll need, like food,
389
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,870
drinks, costumes, props, anything.
390
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,150
Well, I suppose I could
do with some drumsticks.
391
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,070
OK, yeah. So, wood or metal?
392
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,990
Chicken ones and turkey ones.
393
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,830
And apples -- red, not green.
And grapes -- green, not red.
394
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,710
- And you should jot this down.
- Yeah, right.
395
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,600
Yeah? And what? Rrrrrrah!
396
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,110
What was that about?
397
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,510
Trying to get a rise out of them.
398
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,830
I am not paying you to
get a rise out of them.
399
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,430
You're supposed to be security.
400
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,230
You need more security in a graveyard.
401
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:34,950
I could be at the bar getting shit-faced.
402
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,430
Be my guest, but in that case,
I'm not paying you at all.
403
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,380
Security is cancelled. OK?
404
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,350
Oh my... Sorry.
405
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,430
Hey, hey, hey. You look gorgeous.
406
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,430
Well, stop it, go on.
407
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:49,910
Yeah, I got some new sandals.
408
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,910
Why can't Roman shoes
cover the whole foot?
409
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,790
It's like they've run out of
material for bits in-between.
410
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,310
That is... You certainly
haven't run out of material.
411
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,270
Ha-ha. You should put that in your set.
412
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,710
- I don't really have room.
- So make room.
413
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,670
You could do a whole routine about sandals
414
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,510
or tunics and er... belts.
415
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,390
- What about them?
- Well, you know,
416
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,590
just taking them down, finally.
417
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:11,790
Bloody belts.
418
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,790
I mean, I could do
something about like how
419
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,150
if you tie your belt in a bow
420
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,110
then it looks like
you've been gift wrapped.
421
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,070
Yes! Ha! That is... It's a
bit surreal, but hilarious.
422
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,630
OK, well, the preview went well,
so maybe I can build on it.
423
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,510
Thanks, bae. Oh, you're so cute.
424
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:30,800
Knock 'em dead.
425
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,790
Hello and...
426
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,110
- .. welcome...
- .. to...
427
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,350
- .. cabaret...
- .. night.
428
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,550
- We...
- .. are...
429
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:40,710
- .. your...
- .. house...
430
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,910
.. band.
431
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
Gemini.
432
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,240
What are you doing? Jason!
433
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,230
- Oh, hi, Marcus.
- Oh, hi, you're back again.
434
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,030
Of course, where else can
I get top-notch satire
435
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,550
and gossip about my
neighbours at the same time?
436
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,830
Oh! Oh, no, that wasn't about me.
437
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,590
Oh, so are you not dating Minerva, then?
438
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,750
No, I am. That bit was true.
439
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,190
But, yeah, the other stuff was just jokes.
440
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,030
It's all invented. She's so inventive.
441
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,470
Right. Yeah.
442
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,110
Well, I look forward to seeing
what she invents tonight.
443
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,360
Well, me too.
444
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,390
No! Aagh!
445
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,840
You're not the front man.
446
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,710
Thank you.
447
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:44,390
My name is Jason and I am Gemini.
448
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,830
And now get ready to whoop
it up for the marvellous...
449
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:48,910
.. Minerva!
450
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,270
That was not the deal, bud. At all.
451
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,190
Hello, the Crown & Toga.
452
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,070
Great to be back, yes.
453
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,510
Wow, so you seem like a good crowd.
454
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,190
Perky, up for it, ready for action.
455
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,390
Pretty much the opposite
of my boyfriend's penis.
456
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,070
I get it.
457
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,030
Sometimes a penis just won't behave,
458
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,070
but what I don't get is why that means
459
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,270
everything has to grind
to a halt for both of us.
460
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:19,390
Yeah, I know. It's like when a
child gets knocked out of a game
461
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,150
and it takes up the ball and goes,
462
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,110
"Well, if I'm not
playing, then nobody is."
463
00:20:24,660 --> 00:20:26,240
Sorry, what's happening?
464
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,070
Wait. Am I being censored here?
465
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:30,510
Is that's what happening?
466
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,550
Oh, OK, so this is fun.
467
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,430
Over there, ladies and gentlemen,
468
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,030
that's Mr Droopy Dick.
469
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,270
And he wanted me to come on stage
470
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,720
and talk about fucking sandals.
471
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,430
This is the patriarchy
trying to shut me up.
472
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,950
No, no, no, this is not
the patriarchy, OK?
473
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,510
It's a guy who'd prefer his
privates were kept private.
474
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,350
Oh, it's satire, Marcus, deal with it.
475
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,070
Oh, it is satire, is it? OK.
476
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,110
Let's see if you can deal
with some satire of your own.
477
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,350
Give it a go.
478
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,870
Have you ever noticed when
you're going out with a girl
479
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,550
and she's got one or two wonky teeth?
480
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,790
- Oh, no.
- And a weird mole on her back.
481
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,430
- It's a bit niche, Marcus.
- OK.
482
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,670
What about when your
girlfriend's got a big bush?
483
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,110
I mean, anything would seem big
484
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,830
in comparison to the size of your penis.
485
00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:13,150
Thank you.
486
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,630
I've been Minerva, but,
please give it up for Marcus.
487
00:21:18,580 --> 00:21:19,910
Chauvinist pig!
488
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,950
Topple the patriarchy.
489
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,950
- Oh, come on, she started it.
- Get off!
490
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,470
- Tosser!
- Oh!
491
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,030
- Security, Davus, do something.
- I'm not on security.
492
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,990
- You fired me.
- Can I rehire you?
493
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,030
- Immediately?
- It'll cost you double.
494
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,030
- Yes, fine.
- Aaargh!
495
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,430
OK, you can be the front man.
496
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,910
Aaargh! Aargh!
497
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,950
? Shaky, I'm the shaky man
498
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,350
? I shake it at your brother
and I shake it at your gran
499
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,630
? I shake it over here
and I shake over there
500
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,030
? And if you're not careful
I'll shake it in your hair
501
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,510
? I'm the shaky man
502
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,000
Yes! ?
503
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,880
Right, who wants to see me turn
my knob into a beef burger?
504
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,350
? I came, I saw, I conquered
505
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,710
? I came, I saw, I conquered
506
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,990
? I came, I saw, I conquered
507
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:16,430
? Can I conquer you?
508
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,710
? Gotta believe
509
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,030
? I came, I saw, I conquered
510
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,630
? I came, I saw, I conquered
511
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,670
? I came, I saw, I conquered
512
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,030
? Can I conquer you? ?
513
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:30,630
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