Original subtitles

So, you know how I'm running the marathon?

Yeah, cos you've not shut up about it.

Cos you still haven't sponsored me.

I can't get me head around it.

Why would anyone run if they weren't being chased?

It's for charity. I'm running for Save The Lepers.

Are they actual lepers or just social lepers like yourself?

Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha!

Some of them are very seriously disfigured.

The money I raise will pay for them to be quarantined.

That's not saving them.

That saves you from having to look at them.

It's saving everyone.

Why have you put your occupation as head barman?

That's not important.

It's important to the head barman. I'll cross it out.

- Don't tamper with my form. - Woah!

Your parents are giving ten Denarii per mile?

- What? That is shitloads. - No, that's standard.

Hang on. "Per mile" is written in a different ink.

- I don't think so. - You tampered with the form.

- They were being stingy. - You sly bastard.

Are you gonna put anything on my form?

- Obviously not. - I already said no.

I've drawn a cock and balls.

A severed cock and balls.

That looks like a hate crime against lepers.

Thank you very much.

? Yeah! When in Rome

? Do as the Romans do

? Far from home

? All I got is you

Grumio, the people on table three

are still waiting for their apple pie.

Oh, yeah. They might be waiting a while.

Here, check this out. Some twat in a pram dropped it outside.

Check out what?

An oaf covered in crumbs blowing a paper toy?

Yeah, but look how fast I can make it go.

I'm probably setting a record.

For what? Being the world's shittest slave?

Probably, yeah.

For the price of just one glass of wine,

we could clothe a whole family of lepers.

Woah! Hey, sorry, you can't do that in here.

I'll have to ask you to leave.

But I'm fundraising for the Make A Leper Smile Foundation.

Good for you. But you're asking my customers

to spend their money on lepers rather than wine.

Wow! OK, that's rather uncharitable of you.

Many of these lepers have nothing, you realise?

Mm-hm. And I've got debts. I've got less than nothing

and I do enough charity work as it is,

looking after that one there, so...

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise.

Oh, he's adorable. What's his name?

His name's Grumio. He's basically a human barnacle.

Hey, Grumio. Hey, darling.

Oh, bless! Oh, I bet he's a real handful.

You have no idea.

Well, I hope you get financial support for all you do.

No, but I really should.

Oh, you certainly should. Yes, being sole carer

for someone with such obvious disabilities can be so draining.

You're not joking?

Why would I joke about people less fortunate than ourselves?

Well, quite. It's no laughing matter.

So... Sorry, this financial support thingy,

do you happen to know how I might get that?

Well, you have to have a very high tolerance

- for filling in boring forms. - Ah!

I actually used to work for a major donkey charity,

so I could guide you through it if you like.

That would be great.

On second thoughts, you're welcome to stay.

Oh!

I'd be pleased with anything under four hours.

Four hours?

You gonna be doing it on your hands and knees?

That's a solid marathon time.

Mate, I've had relationships shorter than that.

Well, clearly you know nothing about

running or relationships.

Oh, yeah? So how come I won medals, then,

in running, not relationships.

When was this? Under sevens, under eights?

- Under 11s, actually. - Ha!

So what? They used to call me Jase the Pace.

So, you were a child. It doesn't count.

Of course it counts.

God-given talent like mine never goes away.

Well, enter the marathon, then.

I would love to see Jase the Pace in action.

You'd have to make do with seeing him

- as a speck in the distance. - Oh, big chat.

How about, whoever comes first gets to be head barman?

- I'm already head barman. - And wear a massive crown.

OK, bring it!

Oh, I've brought it. Consider it brought.

So, as soon as we've got that all-important certificate

from the Marathon Board, you can start fundraising.

I really do appreciate this, Diana.

As does Grumio, in his own way.

Oh, stop it! As soon as I stared into

his vacant yet wise eyes, I knew I had to help.

Now, name of charity?

I've gone with The Grumio Foundation.

Oh, nice. Catchy!

Purpose of charity? Caring for those suffering

from the affliction known as Grumio Syndrome.

Right. That is just Grumio though, isn't it?

Currently, yes. Now, what would you say

were the symptoms of Grumio Syndrome?

Erm... OK. He gets very hungry.

Oh, bless! So, acute hunger.

- And he's always tired. - Chronic fatigue.

I'd also add grumpiness, and... is ingratitude a symptom?

I don't think so, no. But we've got plenty to go on,

and the panel will get a much better picture

once they meet him in person.

Hm... So they actually have to meet him, do they?

Yes, of course.

They can hardly endorse the Grumio Foundation

without meeting Grumio.

Yeah. It's just... I should have said:

another symptom of his syndrome is shyness.

- Oh! - Both acute and chronic,

so panels are a bit of a no-no.

Well, we'll just have to make them a yes-yes.

I find, if it helps, the best way

to win over the mentally afflicted

is to turn everything into a game.

Wow! Grumio, you've got that thing really spinning.

Tell me about it. I've been doing some training of me own.

I can see.

In fact, there was a girl in the bar last night, Diana,

who saw you in action and was just blown away.

She'd love to introduce you to some people.

People? What people?

They're like a panel of judges,

who will see if you can break a record for blowing a windmill.

You mean, they're a windmill-blowing,

record-judging panel?

Exactly. And, if you won, you'd get a certificate.

Obviously I told her you wouldn't be interested.

You know, you don't do it for the awards or anything.

- I do it for the love. - Well, this is what I thought.

But, that being said,

when you achieve something extraordinary,

it's nice to have it recognised.

So, shall I tell her we're on, then?

Fine. Now give me some space.

I need to get back to me training.

Why-aye, stop that! What you trying to do?

Push the place over or something?

No, no, no. Stretching the old calves out.

- Part of my training regime. - Oh, regime? Regime? Very posh!

So what are we talking then?

Well, what I was thinking: run to the sandwich shop,

get a bacon roll, then run back.

See, I wouldn't run just after eating, you lunatic.

- You'll give yourself a stitch. - Mm, yeah. Good point!

What about, run there,

eat my lunch and then just walk back?

See, I wouldn't run on an empty stomach either.

Yes. Well, maybe I'll just walk there as well.

Yeah, cheers, Landlord, that's a much better regime.

Any time, any time.

Consider me your personal trainer.

Cheers, boy!

Step it up, mate, you're losing.

I'm not losing. This isn't a race.

- You're at the back. - We're just training.

It's non-competitive.

Maybe I'll get my crown fitted now.

Excuse me, coming through.

Sorry, Phyllis. Excuse me. Thank you.

Sorry.

Everyone, this is Marcus and, of course, Grumio himself.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Grumio.

How are you feeling today?

Nervous, but also pretty psyched.

Huh! Good for you. We're all pretty psyched too.

Maybe you'd like to start by telling us a bit about yourself?

OK. Erm...

Grumio prefers to express himself

with actions rather than words.

He's brought something in he'd like to show you.

Oh, now that is splendid. Look at those colours.

Colours don't matter. They're just decoration.

Oh, right you are, champ. Silly me!

Why don't you just go for it? So the panel can check you out.

OK. Here we go.

Can I get a countdown, please?

Of course.

Three, two, one, go.

And... stop.

Did I win? Have I done it?

Where are the sleeves?

It's not supposed to have sleeves, you fool.

It's a state-of-the-art sports tunic.

I also bought these cushion soled running sandals. Uh-oh!

You can't intimidate me, boy.

You might have all the kit, but I've got the fit-ness.

You don't have any of the fit-ness.

Your regime seems to consist of eating bacon rolls.

Bacon and lettuce actually.

Sometimes with a slice of tomato.

The only thing that's fast about you is your mouth,

which come race day will be eating my dust.

If I was beaten by you, Aurelius,

- I'd eat me own shit. - OK, fine. You're on!

Fine! What? On for what?

Whoever wins gets to be head barman.

Whoever loses eats their own shit.

Well, I wasn't actually suggesting that.

Then don't casually use expressions like

"I'd eat my own shit," Jase the Pace.

- Are we on or not? - Oh, we're on.

We're on for the crapathon.

- Crapathon, eatathon. - Oh, yum, yum, yummy.

You're eating from your bummy.

- Excuse me, is anyone serving? - Yes.

- Sorry, what can I get you? - A glass of wine, please?

Er... Excuse me, you haven't paid.

Hey! No, where you going?

Oi! Come back!

Oi! Get back here.

I could have done better.

The air in that room were too stodgy.

It slowed me blades right down.

Let's just wait and see, shall we?

Look, here comes Diana now.

Oh, blimey, she's holding summat.

Do you think it's...

I did it. I won the certificate.

You did, you little legend.

You were magnificent in there, Grumio.

You showed such character.

- Well, I had to dig deep. - Here, I'll take that.

What does it say then?

It just confirms your achievement.

I should probably take him home.

He's had a tiring day.

Thank you so much for all your help.

Well, we've only just begun.

Now we have to spread the word

and convince people to run for Grumio.

- Run? You what? - OK, great.

- We'll see you around. - OK.

What were all that about running for me?

I don't know. She can be a bit weird.

- Grumio. - Oh, hello again.

- We're heading home. - Of course.

I just wanted to thank you for showing such courage...

- No probs. - We really do have to go.

.. in the face of your profound disability.

And we all hope that with this certificate

your devoted carer can raise lots of sponsorship money

to better tend to your very special needs.

Best of luck, champ!

You dirty, dirty bastard.

"The Rome Marathon Committee

hereby certify that the Grumio Foundation

is an officially recognised charity."

I'm gonna get this framed.

He's made me look a right numpty.

Er... To be fair, you did most of the hard yard yourself.

Hang on. Does this mean I'm not the windmill-blowing champ?

- Of course you're not. - Well, who is then?

Nobody, because it's not a real sport.

Oh, my jove, you're killing me here.

Look, Grumio, I am sorry I lied to you,

but, please, all I'm asking, is you go along with it

so we can do a bit of fund raising.

I'm impressed. That is dark, even for you.

Scamming nice people out of their cash.

They're not nice people.

They're bleeding heart, woolly-headed snowflakes

who get a smug boner

from giving their small change to charity.

They don't care whether that's the lepers or us.

The lepers or you, you mean. What's in it for me?

Well, here at the Grumio Foundation

we'll give you a life as rich and rewarding

as any other boy or girl.

Maybe a pony ride!

Come on, Grumio, it's not long until the marathon.

All you've got to do is sit back,

let me take care of you until then.

- I'm sure you can handle that. - Fine!

- I can if you can. - Thanks, champ.

Oi, Jase, how do you fancy running

for the Grumio Foundation?

I'm not sure I can run at all, to be honest.

Let alone beat that bearded bastard.

Come on, are you Jase the Pace or not?

You've got to knuckle down and do some actual training.

I need to nobble another runner.

Oh! The bacon roll regime not cutting it, then?

No, not so much. Can you help me out?

Well, I might know someone

with a stash of super-strength laxatives

made from the Egyptian colocynth plant.

- What, like a drug dealer? - No. Me mother.

Yeah, she was horribly bunged up last month.

Then she took that stuff and then she wasn't.

Oh, cool.

As long as it means Aurelius can't run.

It will certainly give him the runs.

Slip that in his drink,

wait 24 hours and he'll paint the town brown.

Amazing! Thank you.

And any other ideas are welcome,

no matter how drastic.

You could creep up on him and slice open his hamstrings.

Er... Nah! That's a bit too drastic.

OK.

- Give for Grumio. - Give for Grumio.

Give for me.

Grumio's plight seems to have caught the popular imagination.

I've already persuaded 22 runners

to switch from the lepers to us.

Oh, that's incredible. I mean, will the lepers not mind?

No, the lepers have got plenty of funding,

so it's no skin off their nose.

Oh, poor choice of phrase!

I'm hungry. I want a snacky.

OK. Well, we can get you a snack when we get home.

Get me a snacky now, carer.

Well, Diana, you don't have a snacky on you, do you?

Sadly not. No snackies here.

- Come on, champ. Not far to go. - I'm too tired to walk,

on account of me syndrome.

Oh, that will be the chronic fatigue.

Of course it is.

You'll have to carry me. Like what you normally do.

Oh!

Right, yeah. On you get, then.

Ha-ha!

It looks like you've been eating a few too many snackies, Grumio.

Hang on, I've changed my mind.

I want you to push me round in one of them wheelie things.

Just one sec, Diana.

What are you doing?

You wanted to care for me. I thought you could handle it.

I didn't expect you to pull a stunt like this.

- Stop over-egging the pudding. - The pudding can get

a lot eggier than this. Don't tempt me.

- What does that mean? - Carer, I need toilet.

- Really? - Oh!

- Right now? - I'm gonna wet me knick-knocks.

OK. I'll get you the wheelie thing.

Thanks, Marcus. Love you.

Hi.

He really does care, doesn't he?

Oh, he's the caring-est carer in the whole world.

I'm ever so lucky.

Good run. Whoo!

Hey, marathon man, how was training?

Great. You should try it sometime.

I'm hitting peak form in time for tomorrow.

Shame you hit yours when you were ten.

I'm just trying to conserve my energy.

Sure. Well, you'll need it

when you're chowing down on your own chod.

No condiments, by the way.

I don't want you masking the taste.

Fine! No condiments, I promise.

Runner's honour!

Here, have some water. You must be parched after your run.

I am, yes. Thank you.

Another pie? Are you serious?

I'm gonna need all the energy I can get

when I'm running this marathon, aren't I?

Sweetheart. But you know you can't run the marathon yourself?

I can. Me and Marcus have figured out a way of doing it.

Have we? I don't remember us discussing it.

Everybody, my name is Grumio,

off of the Grumio Foundation.

Ahhh.

Ta for all your support so far.

So, I had wanted to run this marathon,

but what with the old syndrome, that sadly will not be possible.

So, instead, I'm gonna get pushed round the course

in me wheelie thing by my lovely carer... Marcus.

- Ahhh! - Ha! Wow, Marcus!

You piece of shit, Grumio.

Who will also be wearing a flowerpot on his head.

So, let's have a toast to my hero Marcus.

- To Marcus. - To Marcus.

- Bottoms up! - Oh, yeah.

I just adore the flowerpot.

Yeah, I might actually take it off once we get going.

It is quite awkward.

No, you wont. You'll leave it on until the end.

I wish I could just take off my syndrome,

but, alas, I cannot. It is for life.

Oh, you are just bloody heroes, both of you.

Huh! Thank you.

'Runners, stand by, please, for the race to commence.

It's probably just nerves.

I remember the under 11s cross country final,

I was all over the place.

I've got nothing to be nervous about.

- I'm a finely-tuned machine. - You'll be fine.

Good luck, pal.

May the best man win.

Oh! Aaargh.

OK, that didn't feel amazing.

Will the runners take their positions, please.

Go on, Grumio.

- Keep going, Grumio. - Nice and smoothly now, carer.

We can't have me jiggling about in my condition.

Mm-hm. As soon as I get that charity money,

your condition is finding a miracle cure.

'Three, two, one.

- Thank you. - Go on, Grumio.

You're kidding me!

Ooh!

Oh, look at them fruit up there.

No, Grumio, I can't take any more weight.

Don't be a baby. It's only fruit.

Yes, please.

- Argh! - Anyone need a lift?

Bleurgh!

'Congratulations!

'Keep going.

Nearly there!

- Jase the Pace? - Yeah, what?

Were you the one who unpicked my running sandals?

- Yes. - And fed me laxatives?

Yeah. And I put honey in your hair.

- I didn't know about that one. - I wanted the bees to eat you.

Bees don't eat honey, they make it. Bees eat pollen.

It doesn't matter now, does it?

I'm broken. It's all over.

Come on.

- What are you doing? - You've come too far.

I won't leave a man behind. Runner's honour!

Thanks, Aurelius.

We can both be head barman.

Ha-ha-ha!

- Yes! - Booooo!

I've beaten you. Eat shit.

Head barman, baby.

Whoo!

- Grumio. - Well done, Grumio.

Cheers.

You did it, Grumio.

Easy-peasy.

So, how did we do?

You tell them.

We raised a total of -- you won't believe it --

36,435 Denarii

and 82 Sesterces.

Oh, my jove, that is incredible.

Which puts you in sixth place between Lepers International

and Action For Lonely Lepers.

We're in a leper sandwich.

Not a sandwich I'd care to eat, but well done.

I guess I'm gonna need a bigger bag then?

Oh, no. You won't be taking that home with you.

Ah! Sorry, why's that?

Well, the charity's made so much

the earnings have to be officially administered

by a full-time chief executive.

Right, which is me, presumably?

Er... No. You're a carer with no experience in the sector.

Luckily for you, Diana has plenty.

So I've sanctioned her appointment.

Oh, phew!

I thought I was getting cut out there.

Well, hm, the thing is, Marcus,

as the CEO of a growing charity,

I'd be a fool not to pump money into marketing and PR.

And once you've taken into account office rental

and, of course, my salary,

there's very little left for frontline services.

OK. How little exactly?

Yeah... no, nothing.

What? I'm getting no money?

What about Grumio with his acute and chronic symptoms?

How will I care for him?

You've managed heroically so far.

Just keep doing that. Anyway, the foundation did invest

in a brand-new windmill for him.

- How's that, champ? - I prefer me old one.

- Oh, bless! - This is a stitch-up, isn't it?

That's why you've been so helpful,

to siphon off all of our money.

- Excuse me? - You've known

there's nothing wrong with Grumio, from the start.

Well, of course there's nothing wrong with him.

Just because someone has Grumio Syndrome,

it doesn't mean they can't lead a perfectly normal life.

Come on, then, champ. Let's go home.

Are you gonna push me?

All right, get in.

Nice and smooth, please.

Whee! Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha!

Urgh, urgh, urgh.

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? Can I conquer you?

? Gotta believe

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? Can I conquer you?

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